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The town looked so small from this vantage point. I felt almost like a god gazing down upon his tiny minions from above, surveying their lives completely unbeknownst to them. I wondered if that was the reason Robert liked this spot so much. He seemed like the kind of guy who would get a kick out of something like that. Then again, he was pretty hard to read. Any number of things could be going on inside his head. That was something I had gradually come to learn as I got to know him better, along with all of the other dads in the cul-de-sac. I think that mysteriousness is what drew me to him. It was as if he was baiting me like a fish to the hook, teasing me to come ever deeper into his world and whenever I got too close he would rip me from the water and leave me dangling helplessly - still as clueless as I was before. Damn, since when did I start using fishing as a metaphor? I’ve been spending too much time with Brian. Anyway, the point is Robert was hard to pin down. Just when I thought I had him figured out, he turned around and revealed another part of himself that I never would have guessed he had in him.
Case in point: Here we were, sitting in the back of his ute in the pitch black darkness on the edge of the town lookout. Most people would have been uneasy in my position, being in such close proximity of a man whose demeanour could flip on a dime. That was the way Robert presented himself to everybody at least, and from that it was fair to assume he was likely to partake in some unsavoury activities, like whipping out drugs or fetching a gun and running into the forest. Yet here he was, doing nothing even remotely intimidating. Instead he sat against the metal wall of the truck, whittling a rabbit out of a piece of pinewood as his boston terrier rested her head in his lap. A serenity enveloped him: he was completely content. It was actually pretty cute. I don’t think I had ever seen Robert as at peace as he was when he whittled. Such a shame really, he had a handsome face that deserved to be appreciated more, but it was hard to do that when it was adorned with a scowl ninety percent of the time.
I guess Robert sensed that I had looked away from the view and was ogling him instead because he glanced up at me, a smile tugging at the corner of his lip. “Like what you see there, bud?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” I retorted, shifting my gaze to the half-finished carving in his hand. “Nice rabbit.”
“Thanks,” he replied, shaving off an extra large chunk of wood as he spoke. “If you like this, you should try my rabbit stew. Once you’ve had it you’ll never go back.” My face must have paled at that remark, or at the very least my expression of horror gave me away, because Robert immediately broke into laughter at my reaction. “You should see yourself right now, you look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”
I snapped my jaw shut, quickly collecting myself and responding in due. “You wish that was the case, it would give you something to add to your cryptid list.”
“You mock me, but one day they’ll come for you and I’m the one who’s going to have to save your ass.” He put down his rabbit and pocket knife and pulled out his phone. “It’s one o’clock. We should get moving soon.”
“Aww, but the view is so pretty here. I can see my house! That’s almost as good as being there, right?” I looked to Robert for validation but he just stared at me blankly. I felt myself crumble under his gaze and turned back to the view of the town. “Okay, it’s not the same, but why do we have to go back? It’s not like either of us have anybody waiting at home or anything.” It was a real question that I had been asking myself a lot lately. Why go home? What was there for me? Amanda had finally gone off to college, leaving me completely alone. I always thought that when this time came I’d be with Alex, happily living out the rest of our days as we watched Amanda gain her independence and become a successful adult. Fate had other plans though, plans that left me alone in a cold empty house which I desperately wanted nothing more than to escape from. I guess that’s why I had been gravitating towards Robert a lot these days, he had an unspoken understanding of what I was going through. After all he was in the same position, he’d just had a few years head start on me. Val was long gone just like Amanda, and just like me he found himself trying to negotiate his free time now that his fathering services were no longer needed.
I could feel Robert’s eyes on the back of my head. “That’s our plight, conquering the empty nest,” he said and paused. “You should get a dog.”
My head whipped around and I saw Robert was now petting Betsy on the head. “Are you implying a dog could replace my Manda Panda?”
Robert ignored the question and shook his head. “That is such a weird pet name.”
“Hey!”
He chuckled and nudged Betsy off his lap. “Okay, time to go.” He grabbed his belongings and hopped out of the truck, not waiting for me as I ungracefully clambered out after him. Behind me Betsy jumped down and began bringing up the rear, trotting along happily. Robert opened the driver-side door and turned on the ignition, the truck roaring into life. He threw his knife and rabbit carving into the glove box but didn’t get in the car. Instead he turned to me, I was now standing behind him although I couldn’t tell you why, and leaned into my ear. “You know, you don’t have to go home if you don’t want to.”
I shivered as he pulled away, the arousal from his proposition shooting all the way down my spine. He shot me a suggestive look and I had to fight valiantly to keep a straight face. The offer was very tempting, I sure could’ve used the fun to relieve my anxiety, but my better judgement told me this was not the time. We were both having problems, both in a bad place, and that was the worst time to mess around. It would just make us feel worse in the end. Something in me suspected Robert knew this just as well as I did, and maybe a part of him was hoping I’d decline. Whatever the case I really didn’t want to go home. I couldn’t face that empty house right now, so I ventured for a compromise.
“As good as that sounds, how about we pull out some old movies and have a marathon instead?” I watched Robert’s expression carefully, but like usual he was unreadable. I silently cursed his ability to do that, it seemed especially unfair right now when I was so desperately struggling to keep my cool. A pregnant pause hung in the air and I found my eyes awkwardly darting around as I waited for Robert to say something.
After what felt like an eternity he finally responded. “Yeah, sure. I get to choose though, I need to educate you in cultured cinema.”
“Deal.”
With that Robert ushered Betsy into the car and I walked around to the passenger side to get in. By the time I took my seat Robert was already in position and ready to go. We took off almost instantly, heading back into town, towards the cul-de-sac. I looked through the windscreen up at the star-speckled sky and wondered what movies Robert was going to force me to watch. As I stared, Betsy rested her head on my knee and I unconsciously began petting her. I felt a calm fall over me. Perhaps Robert was right, maybe I should get a dog. Tom Waits filled the air, the soft guitar somehow further mitigating the voices in my head. My breathing slowed and I felt myself falling into a transience of sorts, drifting away from the immediate confusion I found myself in. Betsy nuzzled my hand. I smiled. There was something inherently cathartic about night driving, I’d fallen asleep many a time in the passenger seat, lulled into the peace of unconsciousness by the gentle rock of the car. Somebody else might have questioned this whole scenario, scrutinised the late night wanderings of a middle-aged delinquent and his dog, but I didn’t see the need. I felt safe here with Robert at the helm.
“You’re going to be okay, you know,” Robert said, pulling me out of my reverie. “We both are.”
I looked over at him, his eyes were firmly planted on the road but I could tell he was just as focused on the conversation. “Yeah.” For a moment I simply stared at him. It was probably rude, but the way the moonlight cascaded through the window and highlighted the side of his face almost made him look like a painting. His dark eyes shone with intensity and a warmth that was all but hidden to the untrained gaze. I considered myself lucky that I was able to pick up on it.
“If you keep staring at me like that I’m going to have to kill you or kiss you.” This time he glanced over at me, flashing me a coy smile. “You can decide which one you’d prefer.”
“Well that depends, how would you kill me?”
“Probably with my pocket knife since it’s the only weapon I currently have with me.”
“I think I’d prefer the kiss. If I’m going to die, I’d rather it be quick and painless.”
Robert nodded. “Smart man.”
I couldn’t tell if he was serious about the kiss or not. I guess I’d have to wait until we arrived home to find out, but I’d be happy either way. We fell back into silence and I knew it would probably stay that way the whole trip back. The serenity of the music and Betsy’s body heat radiating onto my lap hit me again. Soon my eyelids became heavy and I slowly let the sweet cocoon of slumber envelop me.
When I awoke we were parked in Robert’s driveway. He was already out of the car and opening my door, reaching in to grab Betsy who must have completely crawled onto my lap after I dozed off. She let out a small whine as he slipped his hands underneath her and lifted her away. I immediately felt cold without her body heat and secretly wished he’d left her on me.
“Come on sleeping beauty, I have some whiskey with our names on it.” He tucked Betsy underneath one arm and outstretched the other to help me out of the truck. I put one foot on the ground and placed my hand in his, and as soon as he had a firm grip of it he yanked me forward without warning, causing me to fall into him and allowing him to catch me in an impromptu kiss. “I always make good on my promises,” he said as he pulled away, leaving me simultaneously stunned, pleased and wanting more all at the same time. Betsy whined again and Robert chuckled. “Okay, okay, we’re going inside now.” He released me and turned around, heading to the front door to unlock it.
While he did that I glanced over at my own house next door. The light was on, ready for me to go in, but it seemed so barren. I definitely made the right decision staying with Robert tonight. Prying my gaze away from the front lawn, I walked up to Robert’s door which he was now opening. He walked in and bent down, letting Betsy jump out of his hands and bound into the house with great enthusiasm. Once he was satisfied that she was safely inside he turned and gestured for me to follow him. As I entered he kicked off his shoes and hung up his jacket. The words “welcome home,” fell from his lips while I watched him.
There were many ways I wanted to reply, many ways I could have, but Robert was the type of person who appreciated forthrightness over lovey-dovey crap, so I settled on a simple “thanks.”
“No problem.”
It wasn’t exactly an epiphany, but in that moment I decided Robert had been right earlier. He and I - we would survive. If not together, then in some way or another. We’d be sure to figure it out eventually, probably one obscure old movie at a time; and honestly I was completely okay with that. Welcome home indeed.