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The Crowbar Chronicles Volume 1
Handy Man
Bert Johnson, Cec Yates and Cec's wife Alice pulled up to the Stanley residence in the freshly washed cab. As the vehicle rolled to a stop, Alice gathered her things off the back seat and opened the door, just as Cec rushed back to open it for her, the two of them almost colliding save for the door between them.
"Aww... I was gonna get that for you luvvie." Cec stammered as he widened the door for her.
"It's alright, sweetheart. I can get my door from time to time, eh?" She replied with a sweet smile, while Bert, out of eye-shot of the two of them, rolled his eyes and took one long last drag on his cigarette exhaling a chuckled huff.
"Lovebirds," he muttered under his breath.
"What's that, mate?" Cec asked, his eyes not leaving his new bride.
"Nuthin', mate." Bert replied as he flicked his fag end into the gravel.
"Say, Bert, why don't you see what Mrs. Stanley needs while I get Alice settled with Mrs. Truebody, eh? I'll join you in a jif."
"Aw'righty then. Sounds like a plan." He removed their toolbox from the cab's boot and closed it with a resounding 'thunk.'
The three of them walked together to the kitchen. Alice and Cec stayed in the kitchen while Bert continued on in search of the lady of the house. Since the departure of Mrs. Stanley's son Guy and his fiancée (now wife), Isabella, Mrs. Truebody (Prudence's most recent housekeeper) had very grudgingly acquiesced to return to the household for only as long as it took to train up Alice to replace her as the head housekeeper.
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"We might as well try to get this done while we still have a moment alone," Prudence Stanley announced in a rather matter of fact manner.
"Don't get all soft on me now, Mrs. S. Can't have you doing that. It'd ruin your reputation." Bert countered, a bit of levity rounding the edges of his voice.
"Well, Albert, truth be told, you do seem to have quite the proclivity and aptitude for this sort of thing," her voice was confident and sure.
"Hey now..." Bert sputtered, "I'm not..."
She cut him off with a wave and flutter of her hand, realizing with a slight chuckle, that his vocabulary wasn't on par with hers. "What I mean to say, Mr. Johnson, is that much as I might not expect it, you do seem to have a natural ability to do this sort of thing and with very satisfying results."
There was a pause before he made a hesitant reply. "Aw'right then. Long as we have that bit cleared up."
"Shall we, then?" Her voice was expectant and light.
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Upon reaching the kitchen, Cec and Alice discovered it empty. "Tell ya what luv," he turned to his wife, "why don't you wait here while I go fetch Mrs. Truebody. I'm thinking she might be in her office. I'll be back in a flash."
Alice smiled demurely at her husband, the slightest nervousness danced on the edge of her smile.
"No worries, sweetheart." He grabbed her hand and squeezed it lovingly. "You'll be fine. I know you will." He beamed with pride as she nodded; he leaned over to give her a chaste peck on her cheek before disappearing through the door.
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About twenty some odd minutes later, after getting Alice settled with the head housekeeper, Cec went in search of Bert and Aunt P. Mrs. S., he mentally corrected himself. He finally heard a pair of voices coming from one of the drawing rooms, and stealthily approached. He was about to enter when he heard Bert say, "I really don't think that's going to fit," thereby freezing him in his tracks.
To which he heard Mrs. Stanley reply, "Of course it will. Just push." There was a pause, a grunt, and a sharp intake of breath. Cec's ears pinked, and his neck followed suit. He paused, debating whether he should interrupt the occupants who seemed to be completely engrossed in their joint activity. He erred on the side of caution, getting closer to the doorway to hear better, but unable to peer past it in fear of revealing himself.
"Put your back into it, man!" Prudence scolded. "You're not some namby pamby school boy. Must I show you how to do it?" A few more grunts, and deep breaths could be heard, along with a bit of rhythmic thumping. "I would think a man of your experience would know how." Her voice was stern, reminding Cec of his least favorite school marm he had when he was a lad. "Ooh... just there. Aah... mmm... yesssss. That's it. Riiiight there." Her slightly breathy voice releasing each word in a series of staccato'ed bursts. "Good man. I knew you could do it. And one more time, just for luck?"
"You're a right demanding bird, there, ain't'cha?" Bert sounded well pleased with himself, as the two of them could be heard drawing in and releasing synchronous deep breaths.
"Really, Mr. Johnson." She snickered nervously, "I simply know what I want and how I want it, and at my age, I am certainly not afraid to say so. I'm sure you're more than familiar with that regard in as far as my niece is concerned."
"Far be it for me to bicker with the lady of the house." Bert interjected. "And as for Miss Fisher?" He paused in seeming contemplation. "She's a right good egg in my eyes. But if you ever tell her I said that, I'll deny it with my next breath," they chuckled conspiratorially.
"Thank you, Albert." Prudence responded. "You've been a great help. To both of us."
"Happy to oblige, Mrs. S. Now where did you say your two-man job was?"
"In the bedroom. My usual man who takes care of these things was unavailable. I think you and Mr. Yates could do a bang-up job for me in there."
"Awrighty then. Lemme go scrounge 'im up and we'll have you satisfied in no time."
Cec scrambled back from the entrance of the drawing room, not wanting to be caught skulking and eavesdropping in the doorway.
Bert strode out of the room to begin his search for Cec, when the man in question entered from the other room, slightly out of breath. "Blimey, Bert, you scared the pants off me!" His face, ears, and neck flushing once again.
"Oi, Cec... stop muckin' about and follow me. We're goin' to Mrs. S's bedroom. She's got a two-man job up there she needs taken care of. Th' things you gotta do to please a dame, eh?" He shook his head as he started out of the room.
Cec blanched, his eyes blown wide as he twisted and worried his cap in his hands. "I dunno what kinda things you and Mrs. Stanley were getting up to..." He trailed off, stammering.
"Eh," Bert said casually, his attention clearly divided. "You know, the usual. She wanted me to bang it in nice and tight. Get it well seated. You know how them society types can be. All prim and proper on the outside, but get 'em indoors and it's another matter altogether, if ya know what I mean." Bert poked his elbow into his friend's mid-section.
"So, wait... now she wants the both of us in her bedroom?!" Cec blanched again; any color he'd had was entirely gone. "I don't know if it's right proper for the two of us to be up in her bedroom; no matter how much she pays us."
Bert pulled back and fixed Cec with an entirely befuddled and quizzical look, adding a slight upturn, almost sneer, to the left corner of his upper lip. "Well where else we gonna go to move her furniture 'round, ya ninny?"
Up until Bert's last word, Cec had been holding his breath, fearful and uncomfortable in light of the previously overheard conversation. For one moment, time froze and simultaneously made him feel like he'd been instantly bludgeoned with a cricket bat. Then time sped forward and the dam broke. He burst out laughing, bending over and gripping his sides until tears streaked down his cheeks.
Bert squinted and wrinkled up his face, his upper lip in an approximation of a double sneer, then shook his head. He looked at his business partner in complete and utter bafflement. "What are you on about, Cec?"
Cec attempted to speak between hyperventilated breaths when Prudence Stanley waddled into the room, a scowl painted across her dour visage. "I don't know what on earth could be so hilarious, but I am going to need you both up in the bedroom tout de suite. Come along, gentlemen." She turned and toddled off, leaving Bert following in her wake, still puzzled as Cec howled, his belly laughs echoing behind them.