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It is her wedding night and Diana if Wessex is doing her duty. She has agreed to a marriage with the son of a man she hates after he saved her brother and nephews. She did what her father could not. She saved the heirs to the throne from Aelle. They were saved and now she has kept her part of the bargain. A life for the lives of the handful of people in this world she loves for than anything. She has done this for Alfred and Aethelwulf. She will be strong and she will spend the rest of her life being so. But now as the marriage is consummated and she loses her innocence Diana can feel a part of herself breaking.
Marcus is a good man. He is nothing like his father Duke John. He kissed her softly and apologized for the pain he was about to cause. With his brown hair and green eyes he is many a maiden's dream. But Marcus is not the one she wants. The one she wants is an ocean away and is a surly, ruthless, and angry cripple. If he could see her now she is sure Ivar would laugh and crawl away reveling in her misery. She hates him. But oh how she wants it to be him. She wants to love her husband and she wants to crave his touch.
But Ivar is in her bones. He haunts her. She can see him when she closes her eyes. Those haunting blue eyes that are burnt into her soul. She is almost fifteen winters old and she knows her place. She may be the daughter of a King but she is still a woman. A thing to be bartered and traded like cattle or coin. She will live in a castle and be adorned with jewels and fine cloth. But her would yearns for the wild wind and shores of Kattegat.
She had been sent to Kattegat for her own safety when she was ten after being poisoned by rebels who wanted to destroy her father. Three years she had dwelt among the heathen Vikings. For three years she had been under the protections of Ragnar Lothbrok. And for twelve turns of the seasons she had fought tooth and nail against Ivar at every turn. His arrogance and anger had spurned her at every turn. He never failed to bait her. He never failed to insult her intelligence or her faith. But Diana never took it laying down. She gave as good as she got.
and somewhere along the way, she a Christian woman, began to fall. And now here she is doomed to desire a man who would never want her back. There had been talk once of her marrying one of the Lothbrok sons to solidify their ties. She would have chosen Ubbe because he was kind or Sigurd just to spite Ivar.
She likes to think they parted as equals. She had saved him from drowning when she was twelve and he saved her from assassins the month before her departure. When she left Ivar still insulted her but it was softer somehow. She thinks respect may have been there at the end of it all.
But she will never see him again. She has told only Judith what lays within her souk. Judith had only held her and then said she would speak to her Father. Days later King Ecbert had declared that the Vikins would no longer be allowed in his halls and the the settlement in Wessex would be the place all future meetings would occur. He also promised her that Aethelwulf would be deal with all of the Viking matters. She could spend the rest of her life free of their taint and influence.
She knos Aethelwulf knows. The way he looks at her and the looks he shares with Judith. Diana also is sure her father knows. But none of them ever say anything.
As her husband spills his seed in her and kisses her softly Diana tries her best not to cry. She lets him hold her and as he drifts off to sleep she moves out of his embrace. She feels too raw. Like a wound exposed to the world for all to see and mock. But she lays in the bed and when the tears come she silently weeps. She does not let a sound escape her mouth. But still she cries all the same. She cries for something she lost and will never regain. For chances gone before she could realize what they were. Dreams unsaid and wishes she that will never be granted to her.
As the night passes she lets the sorrow overcome her. But when the dawn comes she watches the sun come through the window in her chambers. And with the sun her strength seems to come once more. She lets Marcus hold her and she lets him couple with her once more.
As they break their fast she prays for the strength for the year to come. She tells herself to be brave. There are worse fates she could have. She prays for children to love. Her prays for Aelle's head on a spike. She prays that she can learn to care for her husband.
Months pass and some of her prayers are answered. She will never be in love with Marcus. But she begins to care for him as a partner and friend,p. He is kind and allows her as much independence as a woman can have. And three months after their wedding her courses cease and she is with child.
Her son is all she could ever want. He has brown hair like Marcus and hazel eyes like her own. He is a big child with ten toes and ten fingers. Marcus fawns over him and her father gets drunk in celebration. But in the dark hours of night while her son nurses she imagines he has blue eyes and a dangerous barbarian for a father.
Diana is content with her life. She has a healthy child and a kind husband. But still sometim she can not help but wonder what if?