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This is a letter that is long overdue. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while, weeks probably. Maybe even a month. I’ve even been losing sleep over it. But, every time I think about writing it, I can’t seem to be able to put the pen to paper; to find the words I need to say. Until now.
You’ve been gone for a while. For a little over a year and a half. To be exact, it’s been 577 days. Things have changed. Lucis is a far better country than I’ve ever known it to be. Eos is better, as a whole. It is all because of you and your sacrifice. It was not in vain. I wish you were here to see the progress we’ve made.
The guys are doing all right, I guess. We don’t really say much to each other anymore. We’re back to how things were when you were in Crystal stasis. I think the pain is just too much to deal with, still too fresh. Being around each other is a constant reminder of what we’ve lost. It’s just not the same. I did manage to see them a few days ago. We took the time to have lunch together and try to catch up. It was nice meeting with them, but I really can’t tell what the future holds for the three of us.
Gladio has finally found a steady girlfriend. It’s Sania! He’s even thinking about asking her to marry him. Crazy, right? Ignis is fine. Iris was living with him for a while and tried to help out, but he was adamant that, while he loved having her, he didn’t really need her (she’s doing great, by the way). He’s more self-sufficient than ever. He actually managed to cook the meal we had for our lunch the other day. He never ceases to amaze me, especially since I still can’t even make popcorn without burning it and I have my vision. Remember that one time, right before we left Insomnia for our journey? You had to air out your apartment for an entire day and still couldn’t get the smell out completely. He’s thinking about going to see a doctor in New Altissia soon that could potentially help him restore his sight. It’s very experimental, but I hope that it works out. I want him to be able to see the beauty that you have created from the ashes of a world that has rarely known true peace.
I had a good time at lunch with them but it was hard coming back home, after. I didn’t want to go back to my apartment right away, so I decided to go out to some dumb bar. You would have hated it. Going there was a poor decision. I didn’t drink much -- you know I’m not much of a drinker -- but I drank enough to quickly return to a state of sorrow. It eclipsed whatever happiness I had experienced from lunch, entirely. My sorrow spread fast and like poison, and it hit me with an intensity that you wouldn’t believe. Or maybe you would. You were always kind of in love with sadness. That’s understandable. You had a sad life. But, when you were with me, you were happy. So was I. I was so, so happy.
I took a few shots. Yes, I know. That was probably a major mistake. One shot I took was one of the bartender’s choice. It was very strong. At first it was disgusting, then it wasn’t too bad. The aftertaste was kind of nice. It was cool and tasted like peppermint. It was refreshing, in a way. But it reminded me of winter, and my mind wandered to when I was in Niflheim. I still carry those days with me. I always will. Sometimes, I think about what would have happened if Aranea hadn’t been there. It would have been impossible for me to defeat the Magitek Infantry, my brothers, by myself. Often, I wonder about what I would have done to myself if she never showed.
I know I didn’t tell you about what happened in Niflheim, a decision that I regret. It was just all so crushing. I had never felt so low in my life. Growing up, I always wondered what my real parents were like. I had imagined so many stories and possibilities. None of them were even close to being a shadow of the truth. To find out that I was simply a clone was nothing less than heartbreaking. When I found out, I felt despicable, dirty. I wanted to tell you about everything that I had discovered at the production facility when we were resting at Zegnautus Keep, but I was afraid. I was afraid of what you and the others would think if I told you the entire truth. I was too afraid that you wouldn’t love me anymore. I now know that it was foolish to think that. I didn’t give you enough credit. I’m sorry.
I didn’t tell you how I felt about a lot of things while we were together. I have a feeling I have a lot more secrets than you, so it might have taken a while for me. I thought we had all the time in the world, and I took it for granted. I thought that we would have years to tell each other our secrets. This is one of my biggest regrets: thinking that we were invincible, that we had the luxury of time.
Before we were lovers, we were friends. Best friends. We were inseparable. You would sneak over to my house all the time to avoid going home right away, after school. It drove your assistant, and Ignis, nuts. I didn’t realize that I was in love with you then even though I knew I was, deep down. Truthfully, I think I was just scared to admit it because admitting it left room for rejection. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Regardless, having you over was amazing. You brought life into an otherwise lonely, desolate existence.
I remember the first real secret you ever told me. It was during the eleventh grade. When you came over that one day, I remembered that you were different. Nervous. I asked you what was wrong.
They’re hinting at marrying me off, you said. To Luna.
I swatted you on the back and said, That’s great! I’m so happy! I loved Luna. She was the one that convinced me to pursue you. But, truly, I didn’t know how I felt.
I was smiling and making jokes as I usually do, but you weren’t responding. You didn’t even roll your eyes at me, so I knew that something was up. I saw that your face was flushed and you were clearly troubled.
You told me, I think I like boys. Then, you kissed me.
I didn’t see you for a week. You avoided me. I was a wreck, but I was also feeling something that I couldn’t describe. The only way I can think to describe it now is…it was complete bliss. That sounds super lame, but I know that classifying the emotion as mere happiness would be grossly inaccurate. I had the feeling of your kiss on my lips for days. It’s been over fifteen years since that kiss and I can still feel it, even though we’ve shared several since then. It was my first one, ever. It will always have a special place in my heart.
As I wandered the school halls for a week, trying to catch you outside of the classroom (you even ignored me in the classes we shared, you jerk) I hoped and prayed that I would be able to get another opportunity to kiss you. It was another year until I did. It was well worth the wait. It was our second kiss, and our first time together.
Our first time was like anyone else’s. Pretty bad. But, I will never forget how tender you were. It was surprising. It’s not that I thought you were incapable of tenderness, it’s that I thought you would be incapable of truly liking me enough to be that gentle. Or that you actually wanted to be with me in the first place. You treated me with such tenderness and respect that was impossible to feign. It was unlike anything that I had experienced before, from anyone.
Our second time…it was much better. Much. I can still feel your weight on top of me as you pushed me back onto my bed. You kissed me with an intensity I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to match. We knocked teeth a few times, which was totally my fault, and I got really embarrassed. I remember pulling away and sitting up. I didn’t get far before you grabbed me, your hands wrapping around my forearms and touching my searing skin. You smiled and gave me a sharp yank, pulling me closer and into your body. Your smile was mischievous, a promise of things to come, yet still comforting. You kissed me again, your tongue caressing my own and sweeping across the expanse of it. I felt something deep within my stomach. Like our first kiss, I can still remember that intense, uninhibited arousal to this very day. It was overwhelming, threatening to consume me within its fire, devastating and awe-inspiring at the same time. I can still taste you in my dreams.
When we finally came together, when I finally felt you, it was
Sorry, I took a break. I started crying way too much and I didn’t want to smear the ink any more than I already have.
Each time we were together, it was better than the last. It was as if we were constantly learning new things about each other, our bodies. I remember you being ticklish in the most improbable, outlandish spot I have ever heard of (how does one even realize they're ticklish at the juncture of their big and second toes and only there???) and how you would giggle when I would touch the spot. Yes, giggle. You would do it almost uncontrollably when you were tickled, like a baby. It was an odd, beautiful sound. You didn’t laugh that often, but I managed to make you. Typically, the only way I would make people laugh was at my expense. When I realized that you never did, it meant the world to me.
It’s only natural that I’m starting to think about our last time together, but I’m not sure I can stand seeing much of it written on paper. Just know that it was more than I ever expected. I never expected you to come back to us, in the first place. I think we all were pretty much resigned to living the rest of our lives in a world of darkness. But, you did, and I was so grateful.
I remember you leading me away from camp by the hand, taking me to a place you found. It was a quiet, secluded place and we were safe from being discovered by anyone or anything. As we were walking, I looked up at the stars. There were so many and they were so beautiful. It was a perfect night, it was almost as if the gods had felt merciful for an instant and granted us that gorgeous, final moment. I felt this lightness of being that I hadn’t experienced since before you left. It was a wonderful feeling, but it was one I secretly dreaded. I think it was because that was the moment that I finally made peace with the fact that I would never see you again.
I have made peace, but I’m still filled with grief. I will always be. I will never forget the terrible, strange feeling of watching you walk into the Citadel's throne room, alone.
Waking up without you, every day, hurts my soul. It hurts it, so deeply and painfully, I honestly don’t know if I can carry on sometimes. But I refuse to let my grief overpower the love and joy that you brought into my life. You brought me so much joy. So much. My heart is so full of love for you. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as I love you. You are my life, you are my love; they are one and the same. You will always be a part of me. I can only hope that I will always be a part of you, wherever you are.
This letter is long. I think I should go.
Our love is to be admired. But, it is also one to be mourned. You are my first, in every sense of the word. You are my only.
I will never forget you, Noctis. You have me, forever.