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You look at your feet. You have put on black socks and somehow they suit the light brown of the floor.
You think that the parquet is clean and smooth, you wonder if Yukimi is the one who cleans it.
You bring your knees closer to your chest and let your gaze wander around the room.
You have never been here before, you have tried to figure how this place was, how was the place where Yoite sleeps and eats and lives when he is not with you.
But, as it happens often, things are different from how we have imagined them.
Indeed you have never imagined that your first love could be this thin, silent guy, who just jumped into your life without saying anything about himself, some one you want to be with although he is just using you.
Yoite's cough brings your mind back into the room, you turn and your eyes widen a bit as you see Yoite crouching on the floor, like a little black bird.
Then Yukimi comes, holding a cup. You know it is lemonade. You know Yoite likes it, but you have never prepared it for him, you don't have a special mug, only for him, as Yukimi does.
You avert your gaze and look again at your feet. Still Yukimi's deep voice reaches your ears.
"C'mon, Yoite! Drink it up. Here are your pills".
Yoite doesn't answer but you know he is grateful, you don't see him, but you imagine his gloved hands holding the mug like a treasure.
You look out of the huge window, the street lamps seem like lost glow-worms to you. You think it would be nice to be a glow-worm, to fly away from this thing that people call love, because by now you know this is love. And you know that the pain you feel across your body when you see Yoite talking with Yukimi is jealousy.
You feel your eyes become watery, because in the end it was easier to be safe into your little nut shell.
Still you want to be with Yoite.
- Miharu.
Your breath catches in your lungs, you see yourself reflected in the glass, Yoite and the room behind you, with all the papers on the walls, the couch and the clean parquet.
You turn, sliding your light body on the floor.
- Yes, Yoite?
He is sitting there, in front of you, all bones and black coat, he keeps his eyes focused on your feet as he hands you the mug.
You quirk an eyebrow.
He shakes the mug a bit, you take it. Your hands brush against his gloved ones and you can feel butterflies flapping their wings inside your stomach.
- Drink it. It was cold outside.
You look at the lemon slice lost in the depth of the mug.
- Thanks.
You sip the lemonade and wonder if you are pressing your lips where he did.
The lemonade is hot in your throat, it calms you in a way.
You wonder if a future with Yoite would be possible, but then you see his thin body reflected in the glass. He is so little in the night sky, so huge for both of you.
Yukimi comes back and sits in front of his laptop typing his article away. The room is full with the sound of his fingers on the keyboard. You are getting used to it, and well is part of Yoite's world.
You slide on the parquet again, now you are sitting at his side. You hand the mug to him, in silence he takes it, puts it on the floor and looks at you.
You still hear Yukimi typing as you find yourself immobilized by Yoite's eyes. They are deep, and the weight of the things you don't know about him comes down on you again.
You watch him get up, he offers his hand to you and you take it. He leads you out of the room, far from the papers, far from the lemonade you have never prepared for him.
The kitchen is little, just the cooker, a cupboard and a little fridge. You smile thinking that Yoite eats a lot and in that funny way of his. You flinch as Yoite lets go of your hand.
- Miharu.
- Mhh.
You look at the mugs near the sink.
- Why are you like this today?
You hear the stress behind his words. He always talks slowly, each word seems a pearl. Now he forms it slowly and drops it slowly but you can hear the uncertainty behind. Then there are lines at the corners of his eyes, and he is laying against the fridge, the blue of his iris on you.
You take a step and take his hand, is soft under the glove.
- I…I don't want any distance.
You can feel Yoite's body tense up under your touch.
- W-what distance, Miharu?
The calm of his voice is cracked.
- I don't want any distance between us.
You feel stupid now, like a little kid afraid of being abandoned.
And you almost want to cry when you hear the sweetness of Yoite's voice as he speaks.
- W-we are together now.
You can feel his arms around your waist, and in an instant your face is brushing against his coat, you close your eyes.
He kisses you hair, you shiver as your heart speeds up, the time seems liquid now.
You whisper against the fabric of his coat and you feel Yoite shifting to hear you.
- Don't let anyone take us apart. Even if you are only using me.
You realize just now that you were holding his coat so tightly. You feel his hands over your shoulders. You want to tell him to stop as he pushes you away, but then he stops, his hands still over your shoulders. He looks at you and you know he has something difficult to say and you feel like your whole body is freezing.
- I…I'm not using you anymore.
You open your mouth but you find your face again pressing to Yoite's chest, one of his hands in your hair.
- Y-Yoite.
- I'm not using you any more, Miharu. And you are the one who doesn't have to let me go.
You smile and encircle his bird-like waist with your arms.
- Got you.
You feel his hand caressing your hair and his chest rise and fall against your cheek.
You smile, the movement of Yoite's fingers and the beat of his heart erasing all the distance.