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I knew it was her.
Most people would ask me how I could possibly recognize her when all I saw was the back of her head in a crowded street. The real question was how could I not recognize her? Even after all these years, I could still spot her a mile away. Since the day we met, her face, her body, her actions, her voice had been etched into my mind and as much as I wish I could get her out of my head, I couldn’t. Not after what happened between us and how deeply it affected me.
It was a Saturday afternoon and I was walking downtown, trying to kill some time before I had to meet the guys at the coffee shop. I didn’t feel like waiting at home and it was actually a nice day to be out, so I ended up going to a few stores in the shopping center. Though I only went in them to look, not buy anything or whatever.
That’s when I saw her walking in front of me, causing me to stop dead in my tracks. I wasn’t able to catch a glimpse of her face, but I looked at the way she walked. From the way her arms swayed to her slight hip movements, I knew her all too well to assume that this person was just some stranger. Which is why I found myself unable to breathe and sweating uncontrollably while my heart was pounding so hard that it could practically rip its way right out of my fucking chest. Could this really be her? It had to be.
After standing there like an idiot for a few minutes, I began to proceed in the direction where she had walked. Because I wasted so much time being shocked and confused, she was farther away from me, so I sped up the pace of my footsteps. At first, I only walked faster but as the sidewalk began to get even more crowded, I broke into a run before I nearly lost her. I made my way through the sea of people, bumping shoulders with a few of them and hearing them curse at me as I passed them by. I could care less at all the people around me as long as she was still in my line of sight. The only thing I focused on was her.
Of all days, it happened to be this day. Of all places, it ended up being here. Of all people, it had to be her.
I was finally closer to this girl, only a few feet away. The next thing I knew, I opened my mouth, acting completely on impulse and doing something without even hesitating. I called out her name.
Except she didn’t hear me. By the time I had reached her, I was out of breath and panting. Before I called out, I inhaled sharply and it made my throat dry, so once her name had escaped my lips, my voice was hoarse. Fuck, I had to get it together.
I slowed down and returned to walking, giving myself a few moments to relax a little and took some deep breaths before speaking up again. This time, I said her name louder and made sure I said it clearly so she could hear. Sure enough, she stopped and turned around, her eyes widening once she realized who she was facing. Those round brown eyes met mine and I then became frozen all over again. Her face was just as I had remembered it. It was almost as if time had never passed because she still looked the same. She still had that face that wouldn’t leave my head. It was her.
She looked up at me as if she was staring at a ghost and her mouth opened, but no words came out. I began to wonder if yelling out to her was even a good idea because I hadn’t thought about what would happen afterwards. So far, neither of us were saying anything. Then she took a step forward, moving closer to me.
“Alex?” she breathed.
I simply nodded and gave a slight smile. “H-hey.”
“Wow,” she managed to smile as well, though it wasn’t a full smile. “I-I can’t believe it’s really you.”
I also moved forward and was about to lift my arms to pull her into a hug, but decided against it because that wouldn’t feel right for the both of us. Mostly for her anyway. It was a good thing I didn’t because her smile almost faded when she saw what I was about to do. Instead, I ran my hand through my hair and then shoved both of my hands in the pockets of my jeans.
“I can’t believe it’s you,” I said. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m traveling right now,” she told me. “I’ve been performing in a few cities, including this one. I’m guessing you’re home for a few days?”
So she still made music like me. I knew she would. That’s the one thing that brought us together in the first place. Who would’ve thought it’d happen again.
“Yeah, for the week,” I replied.
“Oh, that’s good,” she said.
“You look beautiful, by the way.”
I bit my lip, once again wondering if I should’ve said it. Luckily, she thought nothing of it and just smiled at my compliment. I was still unsure if her smile was really genuine or if she even liked what I said to her, but it was better than me just keeping quiet. Besides, I couldn’t help but tell her that. She was beautiful and I didn’t waste any time giving her the truth.
Her dark hair had grown longer since I last saw her. It went down to her back and she was wearing it straight, something I still wasn’t used to. Back then she mostly wore it wavy; at least for the days we spent together. As much as I didn’t want it to happen, old memories came back at this thought. I thought back to why I preferred her hair liked that. How I always loved how it bounced whenever she took my hand and led me around, the both of us running all over the place like we were little kids.
Of course, she had always been the better one at running away.
She had on deep red lipstick and wore a casual black dress that fell to her mid thighs, exposing her long legs. Dresses were a usual part of her wardrobe, especially during the summer. In the summer, she had all sorts of sundresses that she liked to wear with her worn out combat boots. Those same boots were still on her feet, apparently they were something just so special to her that she didn’t have the heart to ever throw them away. It was hard to let go of the things you loved. I could relate.
“Thank you,” she muttered. “You...you look good, too.”
We both fell silent again. I stopped making eye contact with her and instead focused on the ground, scuffing the heel of my shoe on the sidewalk. Seeing that I was no longer staring at her, she averted her eyes and began picking at her nails. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me. I had so many things that I had been wanting to say to her all these years and here she was, finally giving me the opportunity to do so. But what did I do? I kept my mouth shut and only uttered a few short sentences.
She cleared her throat, obviously uncomfortable with how quiet we had gotten and spoke up again. “Well, I should probably get going. My sister’s shopping around here, so she’s probably looking for me. It was nice seeing you.”
My eyes darted back to her and I grabbed her arm before she could take another step. I didn’t grasp her too hard, but it was enough to startle her because she had let out a small gasp at this action.
“W-wait,” I stuttered. “Do you, uh, want to get some coffee or something?”
“Coffee?” she raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know, my sister-”
“Will be fine,” I assured her. “Come on, it’s just one cup of coffee. Nothing else. We could catch up with each other. If you’re still worried about her, she could meet us there and get something, too.”
She sighed and just smirked at me. “Alright. I guess if she was really looking for me, she would’ve called. Getting a drink does sound good right now.”
“Okay, great,” I grinned. “Let’s go.”
We began walking toward the coffee shop, which was just around the corner. As she walked beside me, she folded her arms across her chest and looked in the other direction. I still hadn’t gotten too close to her, making sure we were inches apart. I still had no idea what I was doing and what made me ask her if she wanted to get a drink with me. The only thing that popped into my brain was what Jack had once told me when it came to asking girls to get coffee.
“Never ever ask a girl out to get coffee,” he had warned. “If you end up doing this, it’s because of one of two dumbass reasons. Either you want a one way ticket to the friend zone or you want to get back together with her. Both of those reasons give me a right to punch you in the face.”
But that was just Jack being...Jack. He was stupid. The whole friend zone thing didn’t apply here whatsoever because we were already friends. Kind of. I also most certainly did not at all have any desire to get back together with her. Nope, not all. I was with Lisa and I was happy. So no, I didn’t want to get back together with this girl. No. There were just some unresolved issues that we both had to work out.
I ordered a regular cup while she ordered iced coffee. She once told me she always got that, no matter what the weather was. I offered to pay for her drink, but she refused to let me do that. Though I insisted I could and told her it was no big deal, she wouldn’t change her mind. Eventually, I let it go and allowed her to pay for herself. She had always been so stubborn.
We sat at a small table near the window, that way she could keep an eye out for her sister and I could watch to see the guys when they arrived. While we observed various people pass by the shop outside, we were actually having a conversation.
She was the first one to go on about what she’s been up to since our last meeting. Then I shared with her my story before she continued to tell me even more about her life. Surprisingly, she was having an easier time telling me about her life than I was and she was even the one who talked more. I just listened to her, captivated by the stories she had of the shows she played and the places she traveled to.
“I always try to make the most of my trips,” she went on. “There’s only so much I could do before I leave on that plane.”
I held my drink in my hands as she talked, even though the cup was empty. As interesting as her stories were, I couldn’t relax in my seat. She had finally gotten comfortable enough to converse with me again and it was like the last seven years of being apart had never happened. It was like we were best friends and things were all back to normal. But that was the problem. We couldn’t just go back to normal. Not us. Not me. The last sentence she spoke especially bothered me because it took me back to the one thing we had avoided mentioning this whole time.
Before I leave on that plane.
Those words hit me hard. I know she didn’t intend to, but all I could think about was another time when she went on a plane. Another time that left me with so much emotional baggage that it damaged my well being for the next few years.
“Are you okay?”
I snapped out of my thoughts and looked up to face her again. “Yes?”
She frowned. “You look like something’s bothering you. So are you okay?”
“Okay?” I repeated, also frowning. “You’re seriously asking me if I’m really okay after we haven’t seen each other in seven years because you decided that you no longer wanted to be with me and then got on a fucking plane and left me?”
Some people sitting near us looked over at our table. I didn’t realize that I had raised my voice until I saw that I had caught their attention. She was surprised by my outburst, but then her face immediately looked full of guilt. Once I had mentioned the main issue between us, she was aware that there was no other choice but for her to talk about it.
“Look,” she began. “I know I hurt you...”
I tried to remain calm, but my voice nearly cracked. “You did more than just hurt me. I’ve missed you. I’ve always missed you and when you left, I...I had such a hard time trying to move on. I tried to forget, I tried to find someone else. I know you told me that we weren’t going to work and I understand and I wanted so very badly to accept it, but I just can’t. And now you’re touring all over the place with some guy who isn’t me and I can’t even listen to your music because it hurts to know that this all was something you and I could’ve had if you gave us a chance to try. I loved you more than anything and I still do.”
“Oh, Alex,” she placed her hand over mine with a dejected look in her eyes. “I do love you, but not in that way. When we were together, I cared for you a lot. Those days we spent together during the summer were some of my favorite memories and you were an amazing guy. You just weren’t the amazing guy for me. When you first told me you loved me and that you would do anything for me, that was when I realized I didn’t deserve you. That’s why I told you we weren’t going to work. I couldn’t stay with you, especially not when I didn’t feel as strongly for you as you did for me. But now you have Lisa. She deserves you and you need to realize she’s the one you belong with.”
At her words, I took another deep breath and calmed down. She was right. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I had been sabotaging my chances at happiness all because I was stuck in one place, unable to let go of this girl. I honestly do love her, but she never was really mine and I was never hers. I had forced myself into believing that she was the only one for me when in reality, I was already with the one for me. Lisa was my chance at happiness and I had to hold on to her or else I’d lose someone who really loved me.
“I know that I messed up and could’ve dealt with things differently,” she put her other hand on the table and held both of my hands. “And you might never forgive me, but is there any way we could actually still be in each other’s lives as friends and not as strangers? After so many years of not talking to each other, I want to know if you and I can finally go back to normal.”
For the first time that day, I looked her in the eyes and gave her a smile. A real smile. There was no chance of us getting back together and I had accepted that. She was happy with a guy she loved and I was happy with Lisa. Maybe in some crazy alternate universe, we could’ve really loved each other and we could’ve worked. But for this lifetime, we were okay. I was okay.
“I can do normal,” I grinned widely and gave her hands a light squeeze. “I’d love to be friends.”
Her eyes lit up and she flashed me her own genuine smile, making her look even more beautiful than she already was. So this was how it felt to start over again; to finally get the closure we both needed.
She let go of my hands. “I have to go. My sister’s probably wondering where I had gone off to.”
“So...is this goodbye?” I stood up from my seat and she also got out of her chair, grabbing her purse.
“This is goodbye,” she sadly confirmed. “But it isn’t the last.”
I didn’t want her to say goodbye. This reunion had been so short lived and if there was any way I could’ve made her stay just a little longer, I would’ve done it in a heartbeat. But she had to leave and I had to let her go. As we shared one last look, she moved closer to me, leaned in, and gave me a quick peck on the lips.
“Goodbye, Alex.”
And just like that, she moved past me and went out the door. I looked out the window and watched her walk through the crowd and disappear. I was once again alone and slowly sat back down, still looking out the window.
Goodbye, Meg.
That was the day I let Meg Frampton go.
But even though I let her go, that didn't mean she was gone. We were what we should've been this whole time. What we were supposed to be since the beginning. It was best for her. It was best for me. We were just friends.
That was how she came back into my life.
Then again, she had never even left it.