Archive of Our Own

Jeju was beautiful, more so than he had imagined.

The warm ocean breeze looked like it always was caressing his face, regardless the stage or season of the year, even when the whimsical clouds decided to take possession of the sky, and soaked the windows of his small apartment. The days passed slowly; the sun appearing early in the morning and hiding late at night. And it never stopped to amuse him the amount of stuff he could do in a simple week. It was fascinating to him, truly, the islandic life and the endless tranquility that flooded the place.

He was such a city boy, and the idea of not listening to car horns early in the morning still was unbelievable to him, no matter that he had lived in a small town of the island for fourteen months already.

The modest living complex was located a couple of streets away from the town center. It didn’t have more than four apartments, distributed in a small land that did not give them that much space, however, it was the most accessible option for a young adult just graduated from college.

A couple of young adults, rather.

Just in that moment, Seongwoo crossed the door of their shared apartment with take-out, his face still with all that make-up from who knows what photoshoot. He looked charming, his presence stopping time and his heart in the process. Seongwoo didn't seem to care about how his hair was all over the place because of the wind, or how his eyeliner scattered on his features. He always shone so perfectly, and he should be used to it.

However, Daniel wasn’t, not even by a longshot−the way his heart sped up inside his chest when the model deposited his lips against his on his way to the kitchen was proof enough.

If that was because the ‘Honeymoon’ phase hadn’t left his system yet, or because he knew those lips were against someone else’s; Daniel wasn't that sure anymore.

“Why everyone has to be so goddamn dramatic? I just can’t understand it.”

“Because is part of being human, idiot. And it isn’t our fault your love life is like, taken out of a soup opera. ”

“Shut up. I hate you both.”

“It’s time for the music break. It's the turn of ‘Bad songs everyone is sick of listening’!” Then, one of those typical melodies of popular artists started playing from the radio's speakers, so loud that it maybe had woken up his neighbors and also a sleepy Seongwoo in the process, probably.

But Daniel just couldn’t care less, because he needed to listen to his favorite radio program every Thursday. It was aired late at night, from one in the morning to the hour the broadcasters felt like it. Sometimes the transmission lasted a couple of minutes, others it extended until entered midday. Those were the most insignificant details.

He didn’t listen to it for that reason. He liked it because of the direct comments, the bad words and the songs. He stayed awake to listen to them talk about nothing and everything, complain about couples and how hard the work life was in Seoul. About how much they hated the rain and how horrible were doctors in general.

But, above all that, he listened to know what was of Yoon Jisung.

A shining existence that tormented his day and night, invading his dreams; and whose encouraging words still linger in this mind like a broken record, helping him even when they were kilometers apart.

The only thing he repented leaving behind.

He started smoking not long after moving to Jeju.

One day, while he was roaming the town, just felt the necessity to taste it once again. For some strange reason, he craved that disgusting feeling down his throat, burning everything in its way and giving him retches. And he did exactly that, walking with determinate steps to the first local he saw in his periphery and buying the very first pack of cigarettes he saw there.

It was as disgusting as he remembered it, and although to this day he couldn’t tell apart the grape flavor in between the strong taste of nicotine, he consumed it either way. In the apartment, in his way to the store, in the car on the meantime of waiting for the main street that took him to downtown open; especially when listening to the radio close to midnight.

It was the same Jisung that introduced him to the smoking world. And precisely today they had talked about that topic.

“I used to see this girl back in high school. She was older than me and liked to smoke after spending the night. One thing led to another, and she gave me the bad habit.”

“In other words, she smoked after getting laid?” Jaehwan commented, the other broadcaster on the show, the sound of pre-recorded whistles accompanying his question.

“Something like that.”

“Sounds like a very aggressive girl.” And that was what Minhyun had to add; the other guy working in that program, his voice as pleasing to listen to as usual.

“We pierced our nipples together, if that tells you something.”

“No. Just helps me to sexualize even more my mental image of your ex-girlfriend.” And after a couple of minutes of pointless discussions and some songs, the show had ended.

All in all, consuming cigarettes had become so much part of him as his unconditional love for cats. So essential he couldn’t look back anymore.

And Seongwoo despise it with an indescribable passion. It was something along the lines of not being good for the health of a guy who supposedly had a major on Modern Dancing; with credits to his name, at that.

The thing was; Daniel wasn’t a dancer anymore. He didn’t give dancing lesson nor had a figure to maintain. He did not require good lungs to be a twenty five years old adult living in Jeju and working part-time in a supermarket across his apartment. And definitely wasn’t indispensable for him to have a decent stamina if he was planning on marring Seongwoo by the end of the year.

Perhaps were those details which motivated him to continue feeding on his addiction and how, by the third month, the model was already used to the fact that his lips tasted like cigarettes every time they kissed.

Just the same way he had to ignore the odor of someone else’s perfume in his clothes.

 It wasn’t always like this.

There were times when their relationship was so perfect it was disgusting. A tiny bit, at least. It was like they’d lived in an oasis of love for years; both blinded by the beautiful landscape and drunk on the spring waters that tasted like unconditional affection for each other. And they had been boyfriends for so long that the idea of not making it completely official sounded like wasting a millionaire investment.

He had dated the model since he was sixteen. Seongwoo has being his first and only companion; Daniel being his in the same way. His perfect complement, a soulmate he didn’t need to look for. He adored him back then, when both were high school students pretending they knew something about true love, and he still does now; with twenty five years on his back and an engagement ring on one of his fingers.

He loved Seongwoo. Still does, really. Daniel thinks he always will.

Maybe was that reality, the way he knew he won’t find someone that could love him, that could complete him the same way the model did; perhaps was that fact which retains him there to this day.

Either way, his suspicion of cheating weren’t more than just that. Doubts. And Daniel wanted to believe in him, in their unbreakable relationship; one that had survived every type of catastrophe, standing proud and shining, overcoming every obstacle; and he was trying so fucking hard to do so.

The way he hugged him, circling his arms around his lower back, how he kissed him and the way he directed him towards the bedroom, letting him fall on the bed; everything was the exact same. He felt the same affection of those firsts times, like it hadn’t disperse even one inch, so imminent in Seongwoo actions that he felt like falling in love all over again. Overwhelm by the smiles of the attractive guy, by his love words and how his eyes shone with such genuine adoration every time their gazes found each other.

There were days they went to the beach, when the sun was starting to hide and the tourist went back to the main city. They didn’t bother bringing towels or some clothes, just walking by the shore while holding hands, happy, in peace for once. They talked about the future, the still unorganized wedding and about the pet they wanted to buy eventually. Both so much in love, like it hadn’t been even a minute since that initial confession. When they still were innocents’ teenagers; full of optimism and without worries.

They had kissed there, without worrying about someone seeing them. Seongwoo’s lips felt warm and soft against his, a bit trembling and insecure, just like back then. Overcomed by his intense feelings, maybe, he didn’t know. Daniel felt invincible, unwavering in between the model’s arms; forgetting about everything and just paying attention to the attractive presence in front of him.

And Daniel wanted to cling to that great feeling, not to the horrible grief that plagued his insides.

“Fuck, we’re too drunk to try and get afloat this shit.” A voice that sounded similar to Jisung’s said, a bit disoriented and with the words intermingling in the process.

“I told you going out drinking before the show were a bad idea.”

“Sorry mom. Damn, my head−” Although the condition of the other two radial broadcasters did not look, nor sound, that much good either.

“Whatever, just put on a song or something. We get paid to be radio show announcers, not alcoholics that get drunk in the middle of the week.”

It was fun listening to them, because they always had something to say. A story to tell, an incident to complain about; and was that relatable way of broadcasting that made the show so popular within the young adults. They talked about everything and nothing, cursing more than what they actually said and whining about the life itself, hating on every existence including their own.

Honestly, he couldn’t imagine Jisung working on a different show. Saying pretty and refined words, flattering what he knew the older despised and more feigning that doing his job. Because that was the image of the radio broadcaster Daniel kept between his best memories of those remote days; when he still lived in Seoul, studying Modern Dancing and trying to go somewhere with it.

And with that typical summer’s song playing in the background, Daniel let himself reminisce for today, and just today, the existence of Jisung in his life.

He remembered with such details. His cherry-colored hair, his glowing smile and the adorable way his eyes closed when he did it. His advices and the countless times he could rely on the fact the older would listen to him, would cheer him up and lend his shoulder for he to get all those restricted feelings out of his chest. And was a bit embarrassing to Daniel the graphic details of his memories, even recalling the older’s favorite set of earrings, his go-to brand of coffee and some parts of his old schedule.

It was amazing how important Jisung used to be in his life. Like a best friend, roommate and his closest confident. How essential was his influence in who Daniel is nowadays, how his life still looked like was gravitating around every little detail he treasure about the older boy.

No matter how much effort he gave to try and hide it, in pretending that Jisung did not mean a thing to him so Daniel could emancipate Seongwoo’s uneasy feelings, and be able to kiss him without having to taste the betrayal in his own lips.

“I met Woojin on my way to the station today. That conceited brat.” Oh.

He felt that it had been centuries since the last time Daniel even thought about said boy.

Woojin used to be in his Choreography class, and he didn’t need that much effort to start adoring the younger. He was a peculiar boy, to say the least. His sense of humor was a bit outlandish and hard to understand at times, but he was an amazing dancer. That was the detail Daniel remembers with such luxurious details. Back in the day, he just could look in complete awe when Woojin danced, even though Daniel was supposed to be his mentor.

Woojin was just that prodigious. And Daniel had the best memories choreographing with the younger back then.

Now that he thought about it, it had been a very long while since the last time he decided to go on a ride to memory land. His new life in Jeju apparently consuming every waking second of his daily life and thought that flied across his mind. Be it his never-fading wishes to taste new cigarettes flavors, or because of how distracting Seongwoo seemed to be while he wandered around their shared apartment without a shirt on. Whichever reason, in his day it just not fit in times to be all melancholic and nostalgic.

However, Seongwoo wasn’t home today. Some photoshoot, as always. And he had been walking from room to room, bored out of his mind and waiting for the commercial break of the radio show to finally end.

Maybe he could dial some calls to Seoul.

In the morning, at least. He highly doubted Woojin would answer him midnight on a Friday.

"Hyung!”

Woojin had not change at all, he concluded very quickly. Well, at least his voice reminded the same as the one back then, and that fact was enough to make him believe he called the same red-haired dancer with those mounted teeth.

“It's good hearing you, Woojin.” He told him honestly. Because it was. A wave full of melancholy suddenly dragged him; destroying Daniel in the process. Though it sounded a bit ridiculous, he could felt the city fragrance via de phone, the traffic noise and the hustle. He perceived it like a background music that accompanied every word of the dancer.

It was nicer that he had imagined.

They talked for what seemed to be hours. Woojin commenting about his jobs as a choreographer for the big guys, his dances replicated by Idols and broadcasted on national television. About how amazing, gratifying even was to finally be able to take his passion to a bigger scale. And he was so happy for the younger; at least one of the two of them was able to fulfil his dreams.

And to think Daniel wanted to become a Dance Teacher. That had been his dream profession basically all his life; moving from Busan to Seoul just to amplify his chances of being successful and, maybe, open a dance studio after he graduated and saved up some money. All those savings he manage to collet during his college days, job interviews and invested time; thrown far away, forgotten, banished from his mind. Those plans, right now, seemed impossible. A bit ridiculous, even.

It wasn’t like he did not have the talent or the willingness. That wasn’t the root of the issue. Rather was because the idea of getting married in Jeju and work as a dance teacher in Seoul weren’t the most coincident plans in the world.

Anyway, Daniel hadn’t called Woojin to think about that depressing stuff.

“The other day I met Jisung-hyung.” Nor to talk about that, but the younger seemed to have other plans, because Woojin wasn’t dumb, and he knew how to properly address the most delicate topics around.

It wasn’t like he was adverse to talk about him, or that the topic of the older was delicate to him in particular. It was Jisung who didn’t like referring to Daniel at all, actually.

How many times he had tried to call him, without results. Even from other cellphones, via a public phone once as well. Simply was impossible for him to reach out to Jisung, and he arrived the point of just giving up attempting to. Daniel knew when to stop before it became embarrassing.

“I know. Heard him talking about it on the radio.” The words abandoned his mouth before he could attempt to stop them midway his throat. Well, it was already too late to try and take them back. And Daniel could swear he heard the grin forming in the dancer’s face, smiling mockingly and full of satisfaction.

 “I didn’t think you’d listen to him. I mean, it is a popular show after all.” Woojin said, malice soaking all of his words, to after add: “Jisung-hyung is going to be so happy after I tell him about it.”

Daniel very much doubted it.

Jisung always had meant troubles. At least to Seongwoo.

The older was his superior back then. When they started been roommates in College. Jisung had been in his senior year of Acting and Theater; and Daniel looked like a very confused and disoriented first year student. He remembered when they first met; Jisung had a very pretty violet-colored hair and the biggest smile decorating his face.

What he had said to him, or how the rundown of the encounter went about, where details shadowed by that lonely memory of the twenty two year-old radio broadcaster back then. What he did recall perfectly, though, was how close they’d manage to be in a short amount of time. The best of friends, Daniel may say. Where he was, it was safe to assume that the older would be around too. It became an unwritten rule. They shared every little thing, and to this day he wondered if it existed some detail about him Jisung didn’t know about.

Plainly put, it was impossible to him hide something from the older.

Perhaps it was a mix of everything. The way they shared clothes and earring, drank from the same cup of coffee, their countless inside jokes that nobody bother trying to even understand anymore and, on top of all that, the detail of being roommates for so long; that his close friends decided that teasing them would be a fantastic idea.

Even though they knew about his relationship with Seongwoo. That Jisung had been dating his Acting classmate for who-knows how long, and they acted like the most disgustingly cheesy couple on the whole University. It was a recurrent joke between friends; one both of them were sick and tired of trying to deny. So done with it, that they just didn’t bother anymore.

It was exploited to its limits. They’d dried the river until it became arid.

The conflict arrived when they thought it would be a fun and amazing idea to continue with the show with Seongwoo present.

“And where is your boyfriend, Daniel?” Was the question that overflowed the cup.

Because he was there, holding hands with his real boyfriend; and, now that he thinks about it, he should have said something. Scold them, whine, or deny it at the very least. But he didn’t. Just let out a laugh and hit one of the guys on the back of their head. Jihoon, Guanlin maybe, he couldn’t remember. The habit of just let go of the remark so ingrained in his mind that he wasn’t able to evade it.

Everyone thought Seongwoo would take the joke. He was a fun guy, always laughing and all that.

But he did not, at all. Too much of a stranger to typical jokes from Seoul and dancers that he just couldn’t understand the triviality of the question.

Daniel hadn’t been able to convince him otherwise, no matter what he told him back then. The situation got so serious, that Jisung had to step in. And the older took hours to persuade him that it was just a joke, that he had a girlfriend he didn’t intent to betray in such an awful way; if wasn’t for the actor’s amazing given talent to speak, he wouldn’t have any idea of where he would be right now.

“Seong,” He started, that loving nickname he had given having the desired effect, because the alluded young man backed away a couple of inches. “I’m twenty three years old. I’m not in age of being stealing boyfriends, for fucks sake. Don’t be stupid.”

Seongwoo adored the older actor. Admired him even, that’s why he took his words to heart. Never doubting Jisung in such a way again. However, that didn’t stop him to take all the precautions possible.

And that’s where the whole reason of him moving to Jeju originated from, living with the model and months away of getting married.

Daniel specifically remembered this time where the older and he went to pierce their ears together.

Well, the time when Jisung accompanied him because he was insecure of going on his own, and the actor had taken advantage of the situation and gauge his ears as he had wanted for a while. Recalled he told him something along the lines of “Nothing to worry about, Niel. It won’t take more than a couple of seconds”, while pushing him towards and inside the cubicle where a good friend of him would make the piercing. And Jisung never lied. Never.

He was nineteen back then. And the expression of complete impact that decorated Seongwoo’s face when he saw him a couple of days later had been priceless. It was unnecessary to say the model liked what he saw, or at least at that conclusion Daniel arrived by how enthusiastic was his partner to lead him to the bedroom and steal from him every fraction of oxygen inside his lungs.

They were good times, definitely. Far and long forgotten times, when his relationship with the other model was untarnished, he danced on competitions and still saw Jisung on a daily basis.

Yerim was the girlfriend of the older back in the day.

She was such a beautiful girl, of long and tangerine hair, an exceptional actress too. She was strange case of given talent, maybe; but definitely was popular young girl. And, by how always had been rumored between his gossip-y friends, Yerim had been flirting with Jisung for years, from even before entering College. It was cute, and the perfect representation of a romantic-movie-like relationship and love.

By how the older told him, when they were first year students and both had to do a modern recreation of Romeo and Juliet, he decided it was the perfect occasion to confess his honest and true feelings to Yerim, making her cry waterfalls in front of the public present that day. They had been dating since then, gaining the bad fame of being the cheesiest and most disgusting couple to ever exist in the Acting and Theater major.

But by the way the older talked about her, how his eyes shone so brightly and sighed like a complete idiot, he knew they were serious about this. That it wasn’t just a simple crush, a connection that would banish as soon as they grew older, or when they had to continue with their lives and find jobs. Acting was hard, sometimes it implied traveling to other cities, even other countries; that’s why the idea of being dating always was the last resort plan on the mind of an aspiring actor.

Everyone whole-heartily believed Yerim and Jisung were different, though; they had the good feeling they could make it work, someway or another. Or at least that was what their up-front relationship tried to demonstrate.

Daniel knew better. And he knew much more, too.

He still remembers the scandalized screams of the girl when she saw the older playing with his newly-acquired bellybutton piercing, pampering it in front of a mirror and asking Daniel to lend him saline water to attend it. In his memories still lingers the way Yerim looked at him, like he was a traitor, lying to her so shamelessly and doing all this stuff behind her back.

He shouldn’t have laugh when Jisung decided to just ignore her, but he did it anyways. Because the girl seemed to had lost every ounce of coherency on her mind, blinded by her unjustified jealousy and insecurities. And maybe he just added wood to the already flaming fire.

Yerim hadn’t always been a jealous type of girl, perhaps never was, now that he thought about it; she was an actress at the end of the day, and perfectly could have been acting that whole time.

Because Jisung wasn’t a very coveted guy either, just winning a couple of stares here and there when he really tried to get them. The older was such a character, a loving friend; but not always a romantic interest to his close ones, that’s why it was hard for him to understand where the origin of this never-ending loop of insecurities from the tangerine head laid.

Granted, Jisung looked great with make-up on, with those blue contact lenses; he wasn’t going to deny that. But either way, it wasn’t like the older wore them and tried to look in such a way for someone else than Yerim.

It had to pass a very, very long time for him finally comprehend it.

One day, when the older had made a little trip back to his hometown and he stayed in Seoul taking care of their shared house, Yerim knocked at his door. Say that he was surprised by her sudden visit probably didn’t make justice to the comical expression adorning his face. When she passed by him, he could sense the strong odor of alcohol, but decided to just ignored for now.

“And Jisung?” She asked as soon as she sat on the living room, roaming with her eyes all around the place.

“Went back home. His younger sister’s birthday was coming up.” Now that he looked back at the event, maybe he shouldn’t have said that to her, he should have just pretended ignorance and play dumb in front of Yerim. Because was that simple answer what lead to the girl losing it, to question him.

“He didn’t tell me anything about it, why he always tells you every little detail? Why he doesn’t do the same to his girlfriend?”

“I am not sure. Why don’t you ask him when he gets back?” And no matter what he tried to tell her to deviate the topic, to reassure her; nothing seemed to work on the altered girl.

“I just don’t get it. What do you have that I don’t? Moreover, Since when Jisung even likes boys to begin with?”

“I−”

“We have been dating for such a long time; I abandoned so many things for him. Why? Why you wear his earrings and drink coffee from his favorite cup? Why don’t you go find that model boyfriend of yours and leave mine alone?”

“What are you even talk−?”

“Did you both actually believe I wouldn’t notice? That I would play dumb and let my boyfriend leave with someone else just like that, so easily?”

“What do you me−?”

“There is something between you two, isn’t it?”

“It’s not what it−”

“I knew it. Always knew about it. It was just too suspicious. Who wouldn’t want to be with the oh-so-perfect-and-handsome Kang Daniel?” By that point, the young girl cried and cried, taking from one of her pockets a little bottle of vodka, drinking all of it in one go.

And that’s when he knew it was enough; he had to stop her before she did something stupid.

“I think it's time to go back home, Yerim.” Daniel took the keys of Jisung’s bike and drove the orange-haired girl straight to her dorm. Luckily, the older had mentioned by passing she lived in the apartment complex in front of their college, and just in that moment he was able to find one of Yerim’s friends; if it wasn’t for those coincidences, who knows what would’ve happen.

He went to sleep that night convinced the girl will forget about everything that had happened. But she didn’t, and the first thing he received in the morning was the same girl knocking at his door again, saying sorry and begging him not to say a word about the event to Jisung, that she didn’t mean anything she said and was one of her friends who ingrained those hurtful thoughts to her mind. And Daniel planned to forget about the occasion all around.

And he almost accomplished his objective. Everything came back like a hurricane when, three months later, the older had broken up with Yerim. Something about an opportunity to act on the opposite side of South Korea and that her agency was forcing her to take the role. She looked so devastated, in such a conflict and without knowing what to do.

Because of that Jisung broke up with her, without going back and think more thoroughly about it.

He didn’t shed even one tear for the girl, just gave her a last big hug, kissing her cheeks and wishing her the best. Assuring he would be cheering for her from anywhere he were to be in the future. He didn’t cry at home either; acting more civil and mature that Daniel had ever seen him behave, getting rid of their couple necklace and made a set of earrings from it.

She looked at Daniel before leaving, complicity in her eyes; there he was reminded of the event, when Yerim accepted he was the one that made her jealous, and how he never planned to say a word about it to the older. Maybe he should have, it could have save some problems and headaches.

It didn’t really matter what decision he had made in the end, because Jisung was going to give up on acting either way.

That happened three years ago.

Seongwoo and he always had aimed to a spring wedding. It was the season where they’d met; fell in love and all the related cheesy stuff. He recalled with such good details the tree full of beautiful blue flowers accompanying the model in that unforgettable occasion, in an afternoon during their high school days, when they started dating. How could he forget about something like that, when his partner had look so nervous, so charming and attractive, putting de landscape behind him in shame and making him forget how to breath correctly.

That was the power Seongwoo always had had over him, even back in the day, when he wasn’t sure all of this was a good idea. When he believed that start dating sounded so crazy and he wasn’t sure if he actually reciprocated his so genuine feelings or not. But as soon as he felt the trembling lips of his childhood friend against one of his cheeks, close to his own mouth but not quite enough, he knew it wasn’t the moment to start doubting himself.

It was what Daniel wanted when he had just sixteen years of experience, and was what he wanted to work out right now. The thing he so badly needed to get better and to be back as it used to be like.

It was amazing how their relationship seemed to survive any type of crisis, looking like his love for Seongwoo always was going to be victorious against anything. When he believed everything was ruined, that there was no turn back and it wasn’t worth it anymore to fight for a relationship that just didn’t see the light inside the tunnel; there was something stopping him from completely giving up, from letting the model go and just try and move on from him.

When Daniel had been sure that he could not, for the life of him, stand Seongwoo for one more second, tired of his lies, his secrets, of playing pretend and acting like he didn’t know anything, they always found their way back, no matter how hard he tried to lose sight of the attractive model. He didn’t recall a time when the things between them weren’t like this, this engaging. As if a magnet, a lace linked them with caprice. Destiny, perhaps, but Daniel didn’t really believe in that kind of stuff.

He couldn’t bet on what exactly was, but he was sure there was no situation, moment or context that they hadn’t been able to surpass with ridiculous simplicity.

Well, their record was almost perfect.

His memories of the event were very blurry; the effects of the alcohol travelling on his system doing its job and successfully burring out of his mind the majority of what went down that day. That whole week, if he had to be honest.

One of his more clear memories were the angry screams that were coming out of Seongwoo’s mouth, talking about some guy, naming this person he’d never hear about. Told him he was easy for he let this random kid kiss him in front of everyone and allowing the picture to arrive to his hands. In the beginning he was very confused, a bit disoriented, but it didn’t take much time for him to get mad as well.

And Daniel never got mad; it just wasn’t in his nature.

However, he recalled lividly the way he cursed him in every way possible, calling him a hypocrite, accusing Seongwoo of cheating in front of his face for so long and that he was done with him playing the innocent card. That he was tired of him, his irrational jealousy and how he never let Daniel explain himself.

Because of all that, they broke off their relationship for the first time in seven years. He was mad at Seongwoo for being a knuckle-head, and he won’t be giving up so easily this time around. It was the only situation, the only time he honestly believed there was no way of fixing this mess and that he had to start moving on.

It was a scary thought back then. And still was now.

Woojin showed him that stupid picture then, when he could think straight and all the rage had filtered away from his body; and it was not him. Of course it wasn’t.

It was, apparently, this Laws major guy that just had his same hair color; kissing his own boyfriend on his birthday party. And he also told him how were some people from an antagonizing dancing team who decided it would be a good idea sending that image to Seongwoo and try to convince him it was Daniel.

How they got the model’s phone number was what sparked all that controversy. He knew it hadn’t been Woojin, nor Jihoon or any of his other dancing classmates. It had been someone else.

Perhaps those insane amounts of alcohol he drank on spite that day clouded his mind, stopped him from thinking coherently and made him do horrible things, or maybe he just needed to deposit all of his inside feelings on someone who would feel something, that would be sad, mad and have the reaction he needed to feel somewhat better with that whole stupid situation. Who knows, it could have been a mix of both things. He did not know to this day.

However, Jisung was the most affected by his irrational madness.

He didn’t remember very well how the acts develop that day, how his thread of thoughts lead him to conclude the older would give Seongwoo’s number to some guys he knew Daniel didn’t sympathized with. He honestly does not know. What he does have clear is that the conversation unleashed because of it wasn’t a very pretty one.

Daniel told him he was an idiot, the worst best friend in the world. How he couldn’t believe he had trusted him for so long, and the older decided to play with his feelings like that. He took him by the collar of his shirt, elevating him a couple of inches above the floor, talking about how disappointed he was, that Jisung had ruined everything good his life ever had and he would never forgive him for betraying him in such an awful way.

He named Yerim, a still sensitive topic, his friends and everything Daniel knew would hurt the actor.

Among the things he actually remembered. He was sure he said some even more horrible stuff.

And the other just let him be, letting him say all those things. That was the worst part, probably; that Jisung provided himself to be his hitting dummy, his way of retaliation and relief. When Daniel was over, his motor functions failing him because of the alcohol and realizing the actor to stand again on the floor, was when he heard the words that haunted him to this very day:

“You know what? Let’s forget about us being friends in the first fucking place. If you pretend I would forget about all this shit you told me just because you’re drunk, you are very wrong.” He told him, his voice was collected, without stuttering or regretting anything, closing the door behind him with a loud slam.

That’s the last time he had seen him.

The next week, Seongwoo had called. Begging for his forgiveness, talking about how Woojin called him and told him the whole truth; that the person on the picture wasn’t him, had never been him and he had just overreacted. And Daniel forgave him, of course he did; those promises sounded so pretty on his ears that he could bring himself not to believe in them.

He asked who had send him the picture as soon they had reconciled, and Seongwoo told him it had been a coworker that was friends with some of the kids on that dance team. He felt like the biggest jerk on the whole planet; though it already wasn’t a secret to anyone.

However, at this point, there was nothing else to do. Jihoon mentioned how just saying his name to the older had the worst response, making Jisung felt cholera infiltrating his body, deviating the subject and refusing to talk about it.

It was a severe case of wrath.

“You are a fucking idiot, Daniel-hyung.” That was the first thing Woojin told him, hitting the back of his head and not talking to him for a whole hour. It was grave, because the younger dancer never stopped talking to him, he just never did that. And Jisung never got mad to that extreme, either. “Go and apologize before it’s too late.”

And he had intended to do just that, but when he knocked on the door of their shared house, no one was there. Not even traces of Jisung once living there left behind, like he had erased himself from Daniel’s life. There was not a little single thing he could do about it at that point.

The next day, Seongwoo had proposed to him. Said he wanted to handle things better this time, that he just wanted to make him happy for the rest of their lives and he wasn’t going to allow the same situation repeating itself again. One week after, and he was moving to Jeju, leaving his Seoul life behind him; his friends, all of his work, everything without thinking about it more than once.

Thinking back, he should have been more insistent. Look for Jisung with much more determination, no having given up so easily, make the older listen to him at least. Apologize, tell him he was moving to Jeju; something, whatever, but make it so that even just one word from him had arrived to Jisung before leaving. If he had done that, maybe the actor would answer his phone calls.

Or would want to talk to him.

That happened two years ago.

The older still did not talk to him.

Daniel never got to say him he was moving to Jeju; that he was leaving him behind. And never has appeared the opportunity to apologize.

Seongwoo had promised him they’re going to get married in April; it was his mission to make it happen by that month and both of them had to work together to fulfil their ambitious dream.

And it was hard, because Daniel was a dancer; dancing was basically his one and only talent, the only thing he could made income from or advertise. Jeju wasn’t friendly to artists like him, either, and other real life activities turned out to be very complicated to him; that’s why making money wasn’t the easiest thing to do. However, he tried anyways; because he loved Seongwoo so damn much and he wanted to get married finally as well.

Was during that time when he started working part-time in a local supermarket close to his home. Daniel liked it there, because his recurrent clients always mistook him for someone famous, talking about his blonde hair, his height and his broad shoulders. That he could have become an Idol maybe, or at least someone important enough to not live in a small Jeju town or in need of a job. It was between hilarious and sad, honestly.

March arrived, and nothing. There wasn’t money, time. A wedding meant a big sacrifice, he got that very well.

They didn’t get married that April. The next year neither. The one afterwards wasn’t even in their plans. Always there was something, a problem that prevented them to start planning the ceremony: money, time, Seongwoo’s sporadic photoshoots, events that he had to attend. Daniel didn’t want to label them as excuses to continue postponing it, but just sounded like that; making promises with pretty words and convincing him of being patient.

In the end, Daniel just had to accustom the fact on his mind that they were never getting married.

That Seongwoo, while he could, would prevent it from happening.

Sooner than later, the day arrived. Saying Daniel didn’t see it coming, would have been a vile lie; because he always had a feeling, the bad presage burning his insides, like a time-bomb ticking and waiting for its exploding moment. And, being honest to himself, he had grown weary of playing this game.

In which he pretended ignorance. Daniel just was tired.

Seongwoo had been contracted to film a movie in Incheon, a once in a life time opportunity that the model would not let pass for anything in the world. This was the moment he so eagerly had been waiting for; when his acting would be seen by millions of people, not just by his mentors. And Daniel couldn’t be happier for him, his chest inflating in pride.

That day, when the dark-haired guy was with his luggage in hands at the door of their apartment and with the best smile decorating his handsome face, Daniel kissed him. He planted his lips against them like the world was going to end if he didn’t do it like that, like an addict getting his daily dose of drugs. The time seemed to stop there, with Seongwoo squeezing his waist and his hands moving up his shirt.

The model’s lips felt insecure against his, cautious. However, he just let it pass right through him, because this would be the last time of Daniel seeing his partner in a whole month, and he pretended that his most recent memory of Seongwoo had to be a happy one. Hiding the monster under his bed, just during that special moment; whispering loving nothings to him, receiving the same treatment back. Their dynamic should have always been like this, first and foremost.

He watched him leave with a peaceful smile on his face, eye-closed.

The start of the radio transmission was still hours away, so he decided to consume a couple of cigarettes to kill some time. He leaned on the bars of his apartment’s terrace, watching solitary cars pass by and making rings from the smoke that came out of his lungs and mouth.

There he saw him

He rather saw them.

A black vehicle stopped on the other side of the street, leaving for him to see Seongwoo’s face when he approached whoever was there, waiting for him on the car’s door. He detected to perfection the moment his eyes closed from their distance, the tenuous movement of his jaw and the head of his companion turning to one side. Daniel did not need to be a genius to know what the fuck was happening there.

And everything looked so familiar, too. The way the guy who was supposed to be his future husband warped his arms around the neck of the other person, playing with the ends of his hair on the exact same way the model did to him. It certainly wasn’t the first time this had happened, of that Daniel was more than sure.

His cigarette started burning between his fingers, burning him in the process, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care, to stop looking at image in front of his sight. His boyfriend intertwining fingers with a tall guy, hugging him with effervescence, walking him inside the car without being able to separate from each other apparently, laughing in such a way that the noise find his ears, all the way up to where he was. It was like Seongwoo wanted Daniel to watch him like this, in middle of the act, betraying all his trust and showing him his true colors.

For one second, he forgot how to breathe. How to think cohesively. How to live. What was true and false. Why he had accepted to move in with the model in the first place, when he knew this clandestine relationship dated from even then, when Seongwoo made theater numbers about his uncontrolled jealousy and what else, promising the moon and the sun; his unconditional love. And this is how the destiny paid him for his naivety.

He didn’t notice when he started to cry. Hundreds of tears started falling on his cheeks, cutting his breath, clouding his sight and dispersing his feelings. He felt awful, nauseous all of a sudden, sliding down the wall that supported his weight until being able to hide his face between his legs. His body was trembling uncontrollably, little sobs not taking too long in making echo across the rest of the empty apartment.

Although he saw it coming, even when it was clearer than water that Seongwoo had been cheating on him since the very first day he left to study modeling, how strong and persistent the signals were and how it shouldn’t have come to no surprise he would find about it eventually; he felt horrible either way. Daniel hated it, despised feeling this way. So weak, vulnerable, exposed; with his feelings all over the place.

His world started to collapse in front of his eyes, and he could do nothing more but watch it happen, without the strength or willing to try and avoid it. And this wasn’t him. He did not like this twisted version of Kang Daniel, at all.

The face of Kwon Hyunbin was unmistakable as soon as they separated, even in middle of his emotional disaster. Seeing the car drive away, getting lost between the streets that led to the airport.

Say that Daniel was a complete disaster didn’t do justice to how bad he had felt in those last seven days. Really, he was devastated. Smoking over and over again; who knows how many packs he had consumed in just the first couple of hours. Sometimes he ate, others slept, and the big majority of his time he used it to play with his engagement ring. He looked at it with a mix of contradicting emotions: love, disappointment, adoration, sadness. And hatred.

Oh, so much of that.

It was the worst type of feeling, Daniel concluded. Because he always had trusted so blindly on the model, never even thinking on betraying him or look for someone new; and now Daniel was receiving that same treatment back. And it turned out to be very hard to believe, the truth still sounding foreign in his mind, not matter that he saw them with his own eyes, and there was nothing to question or doubt.

He always knew the moment would arrive, but perhaps he was so used to make null senses, pretending he didn’t catch anything becoming some sort of weird and harmful defense mechanism. However, by the fifth day Daniel knew it was time to already let it go, to accept he was done with this playing dumb persona of his, and that there was no reason for him to continue hurting himself.

It was easier saying it, that actually concreting it.

He looked at himself in front of a mirror one of those days. His roots where black and he hadn’t noticed before; how much his hair had grown and how now only his tips retained their particular blonde color. It was weird, because Daniel was always attentive and prevented the situation for reaching that point. Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t treated his hair in a couple of months. Seven, maybe.

In retrospective, he had stopped doing a lot of thing that just mere two years ago he adored. Dance in competitions, choreographing, going out and party. He could not remember the last time he had drank alcohol, and that also sounded very alien-like. Daniel loved drinking; it wasn’t that much of a secret. Neither could he recall one day in a long time where he went shopping, or being hours deciding which set of earrings convinced him.

For some reason, that thread of thought just accomplish depressing him even more. Because Daniel leaved behind his Seoul life for moving to Jeju and give a chance to try and built a beautiful future with Seongwoo, and that was definitely out of the picture at the moment. And now he was more angry than sad.

He didn’t know what to feel anymore, to be honest.

“I don’t understand why Guanlin is so obsessed to learn how to ride a bike. He hasn’t talked about anything else for three fucking weeks already.”

“Why don’t you just teach him?”

“That brat is not going to win.”

And listening to Jisung’s voice on the radio didn’t help his cause. At all. It worked like gasoline for the fire of his contradicting emotions, feeding it in a painful way and pushing him to continue reminiscing the past. One he had decided to leave behind, and now he was starting to regret it. Just a little, a tiny bit, the image of Seongwoo of kissing the popular and attractive model in front of their shared apartment still lingering and tormenting his mind.

He remembered how soft the older’s hands were, the good sensation they left when Jisung caressed his arms. A habit Daniel never had been able to understand, but that certainly was gratifying and did miracles to his self-esteem during his lowest moments as a college student. He still could listen to his voice saying pretty truths, some both knew were unlikely to ever come true, but that helped him either way.

Jisung was too nice, consenting and always treating him as if Daniel was the younger brother he never could have. And he needed that support now, especially in this moment, more than ever. Tears started to form in his eyes again by the mere thought of talking to the older actor once again, not just listen to him via some radio show.

And he called him, he couldn’t help it. Looked through his contacts and called him, not caring about Jisung being in the middle of a radio broadcast, that it probably would sound and interrupt everything. He just did not care, because he needed a simple “Cheer up, Niel”, just one, and he would be satisfied. Daniel would feel like he could go on and endure all of this.

The cellphone of the older had been audible then, reaching the radio speakers. He had the same ringtone that back in the day.

“Who is it?” He heard Jaehwan ask, curious. And, like never before, the actor was left speechless, without having anything to say or comment for eternal seconds. The phone tone continued to sound against his ears, and Daniel didn’t need to be a genius to notice that the call had taken Jisung by surprise.

“Uhm. This−It’s no one important.” That was what he’d answered, distracted.

Daniel didn’t expect any different, really. He did not deserve something else. The call ended on that exact moment.

What he had heard afterwards, thought, astonished him.

Minhyun was a far acquaintance to him. The boyfriend of one of his seniors back when Daniel took Lyric Composition in his fourth semester; they’d talked a couple of times in their college days, one or two greetings when meeting on the hallway. Nothing worth emphasize. The singer has been Jisung’s good friend for a very long time, though, reason why they always had worked on the same radio station.

And taking that into consideration, it shouldn’t have arrived as a buck of freezing water when the guy said out of nowhere: “And how is your boyfriend?”, more than aware and up to date to the reason behind Jisung’s sudden change of attitude.

His heart skipped a couple of beats either way. The sound of pure surprise the actor let on the microphone without scrupulous just worsening the situation.

In his second week post-Seongwoo, he had managed to organize his life back to normality. As much as possible, at the very least.

He went to the salon and retouched his hair dye, now looking a pretty and bright blondish-brown that surpassed so easily his careless appearance from just a week ago. Bought those earrings he saw on his way to the beach last month and he gave himself an afternoon of fruitless shopping around the town. Also called Woojin by half week, promising the younger he would go to Seoul soon and attend at least one of his competitions. And the choreographer said, with luck, he could manage to get some studio for Daniel to dance a bit.

The things were great routed, and he was focused on moving on with his life and getting over this crisis.

He couldn’t bring himself to get rid of the engagement ring Seongwoo gave him yet, and maybe was way too soon to be thinking about taking that huge step. Daniel still felt the model’s presence in every corner of their apartment, his fragrance and memories tormenting him and weakening his determination. Sometimes, all the sadness came back like waves, reminiscing with affection those good moments and memories he had with the guy. Those unforgettable first times, the day they started dating and when they moved to Jeju. And other, the same thoughts made him want to rip his hair out in complete rage.

It annoyed him being this weak; still love Seongwoo with a ridiculous amount of intensity that hurt his chest and clouded his senses. And more often than not he found himself cursing the name of the attractive model, for having made him fall in love so helplessly.

And honestly, he started to wonder how devastating the hurricane of emotions would be the day the young man came back in three weeks. He wasn’t sure he would survive that, and didn’t know what he would do in that precise moment.

For that same reason he had been calling Jisung every day, countless times, insistently, until the older gave up and said something to him, whatever. He wanted Jisung to give him an advice, to guide him like just he knew how to do.

Daniel just wanted a last opportunity, explain at least. Tell him he was an idiot for leaving without saying goodbye, that he should have told Jisung himself about leaving to Jeju, the news should had come out of his mouth and not from a hallway rumor. Assure him he was sorry, missed him much more that he never imagined, or something like that. How he should never had treated him like that, so badly, blame everything on him when the actor had nothing to do with it.

How he did not meant any word that had come out of his insolent mouth, that he didn’t deserve a best friend like him and Jisung had all the rights to hate him. Daniel had brought it to himself, and he could hit him if he felt like it.

But he had to talk to him again, for god’s sake. Please. He just wanted to apologize, tell him about every little thing that has been plaguing his mind lately.

Daniel had sent him messages, an endless amount of them. It was clear to him the older didn’t even bother reading them before deleting them. Maybe he did read them, who knows, but either way he hadn’t receive an answer no matter how insistent he was. In one moment he thought about using Woojin as an intermediary, make the younger convince the radio broadcaster to talk back to him, but that will just make Jisung madder.

He knew from personal experience.

It was on Wednesday when he decided to leave him a voice message. One that went downwards by every word that left his lips.

He started good enough, maybe a bit annoyed, saying: “Please, Can you pick up the phone? Hyung, I’m begging you. Just for a second, nothing more. Just−just let me apologize; you don’t have to say anything back to me. Please.” And before he was aware of it, Daniel was borderline crying, unable to form cohesive sentences and spitting things he probably would regret saying in less than a couple of hours.

“Seongwoo−he and I, we are not good. Hyung, I miss you. Please. I need someone to talk to. I feel so alone, I’m begging you. Scold me; say that I’m the biggest fucking idiot in the whole world, but just talk to me. What can I said for you to pick up?”  By that point he was already crying, tears soaking his cheeks and falling to the ground. He was such a mess, so much he didn’t notice his own words, pressing send before he could retract anything.

“I like you. I love you so much, it hurts. Please. Answer the damn phone.”

He took a couple of minutes to collect and codify what he had just said. I love you. I miss you.

What?

And the more he thought about it, the feeling seemed to grow, becoming stronger, like it had been hiding between the most obscure confines of his mind all this time, coming out suddenly and destroying everything he thought he knew up until just seconds ago.

Maybe they were not meaningless words, he thought. Perhaps, and just maybe, there was a slight chance they were true.

Fuck.

It was the worst moment to be arriving to the conclusion that he perhaps always had a little, tiny, insignificant crush on the older actor. Maybe. However, the more he wandered, the more convinced he was that there was a highly chance that all of this was true.

He assumed by the way his heart sped up every time he found Jisung’s face in between some old pictures still saved on his phone. And also by the fact he never could bring himself to erase those images on the first place, although they were three, four years-old.

And Daniel was a complete idiot for not discovering it sooner, also guessed, because when he had commented it in between lines to Woojin, what the dancer had to add was a sound of pure exasperation, accompanied with a “And just now you realize it?”. Like it had been obvious from the beginning to everyone expect him and Jisung, apparently.

For some reason, everything started making sense; the constant teasing, insinuations and questions. Seongwoo’s jealousy that he had branded as irrational up until this very moment, that weird interrogation he receive from Jisung’s girlfriend. All of those were connected now, finally, after years pretending not to understand any of it.

And he cursed to himself. Because the probabilities of these newly-discovered feelings going somewhere were even less than zero.

Jisung never answered his voice message. He waited and waited, hopingly; but had not received something in two weeks already.

In all honesty, Daniel never thought the older would do it in the first place.

And maybe was time to just let it go too. Stop pretending Jisung would actually forgive him someday.

This was his last Thursday alone. Seongwoo would come back home on Sunday, and he wasn’t ready. At all. The simple idea of seeing the model again was enough to disturb his nerves, and he didn’t want to start imaging the devastating effects the young man standing in front of him in real flesh would have. Neither his body nor his mind was excited.

With a grape-flavored cigarette between his lips, he turned the radio on.

“You look like a disaster, Jisung.” That was the first thing he listened, as soon the program had started.

“I love you too, Jaehwan.” He obviously couldn’t see him, but by just hearing Daniel could deduce the catastrophic state the older was on. His voice sounded raspy, clear sign of some aggressive smoking sessions and fatigue.

“I’m serious. Something happened?”

“Nothing in particular. I just haven’t been sleeping well these days.” Jisung was lying, he knew. However, he seemed to be the only one detecting the issue, because his radio coworkers let the topic go without stress.

After his revolutionary discover, maybe he had acquired the ability to comprehend the older better. Or at least to that he was attributing it.

“Isn’t today your anniversary, Minhyun? Jonghyun hasn’t stopped talking about you lately.”

“Yeah. It’s our fifth year together already.” The singer sounded so in love, Daniel felt a bit of jealousy plaguing his senses. A tiny amount, because he perfectly knew how much Jonghyun adored the other male, and how made for each other they seemed to be. As much as he believed Seongwoo and he were; but he wasn’t in the mood to think about the model today.

Daniel would have to do exactly that on a couple of days, after all.

He didn’t listen what they were saying for a couple of minutes, but he did listen to Jisung saying: “Don’t tell me we’re talking about love today”, his voice displaying such raw disappointment and hatred. The expression on his coworkers must have said it all, because the male cursed without remedy against the microphone.

In the beginning they talked about Minhyun’s anniversary. About how both of them were the most disgusting couple on all of South Korea and they made Jaehwan gag a bit inside his mouth. After, they discussed long-time relationships, how much of a waste of time they were if everything didn’t end up working at the end. Then, for a solid half hour they teased the singer with his boyfriend Sewoon, who sang like angel choruses, and how he didn’t have room to be criticizing the other male.

 “My relationship is way more realistic compared to the fairy-tale inspired of them. Thank you very much.” He concluded indignant, playing a song above the laughs from the other two radio broadcasters. It made Daniel crack up too, he wouldn’t deny it.

It wasn’t after the little session of listener’s comments, and other personal experiences, that the theme he wanted to hear about was brought to light. Jisung. And his stomach was full of false butterflies for an indescribable reason. Excited, anxious maybe.

 “Jisung-hyung has love problems?”

“I’m not seeing anyone, Jaehwan.” Listen the older saying that, so confidently; he won’t deny that it took away some weight out of his back.

However, Jisung sounded stubborn, sharp words arriving to his ears. He denied any allegation thrown at his direction, convinced the other two guys had lost their heads and all the capacity of thinking coherently with it; talking nonsense without background. Until a tiny detail had been said.

“We’re talking about whoever has been calling you every day. We aren’t dumb, hyung.” And Daniel felt his cheeks heating up, his heart speeding inside his chest. Honestly, he had talked himself into believing the older male had already blocked him and didn’t bother even erasing his messages anymore.

Perhaps there still was a ray of light inside the tunnel.

“I’ve already told you it’s no one important. Just someone I used to know, that’s it.”

Maybe. But he didn’t want to rise up his expectations

That day, the radio show had been almost full with the threesome of announcers complaining about everything and answering with attitude their listener’s comments. Laughed and programmed music breaks with nothing but songs all of them knew they hated. It was the charm of the broadcast in its most primitive essence, and he didn’t find weird the amount of public they had listening at those late hours.

They started talking and talking; putting some songs the audience requested and answering some message that arrived to the station. In between all that, Daniel couldn’t help to fall asleep. Who knows that they had said in those two hours he didn’t pay attention, and he wasn’t beating himself about it really. And if it hadn’t been for the ringtone of his cellphone sounding thundering across his apartment, he would have continued until the next day on dream world.

A bit disoriented, Daniel grabbed his phone and without looking the screen he took it to one of his ears. It was Woojin. “Tell me you are listening to hyung’s transmission right now, for the love of god.” He said that, ending abruptly the call not even ten seconds in, without bother to give him an explanation.

He looked at the clock. It was four in the morning.

“And well? Are you in love or not?” In his state of being half asleep and awake he could not discern which voice was the one making the question. What he did listen loud and clear, however, was the next thing said, after a couple of second in complete silence.

“I am, alright? Its just−It’s complicated.” So this was what Woojin wanted him to hear coming out of the older’s lips, the words practically taken from inside his throat.

He didn’t know if he had to feel happy or completely devastated about them.

“How so? How much, hyung?”

“He’s getting married. Soon, maybe, I have no idea. I don’t care, really. There is not a single possibility of him reciprocating my feelings to begin with. Happy?, It was what you wanted to hear?”

That description sounded way too familiar. He held his cellphone between his hands, tightening it, clinging up to it like it was a rock maintaining him close to the real world. Since all of this sounded like a tasteless joke, and it could not be actually true that, maybe−

“Hyung, we−”

“No. You two wanted the truth and there it is. I’ve been in love with this guy that has been dating someone else since I met him. Of one I haven’t talk to in years, which now lives in Jeju and most likely isn’t even listening to this shitty transmission in the first place.”

His cellphone started to vibrate in his grasp, insistently, Woojin’s number vaguely been registered by his rowdy brain. Jihoon afterwards; seconds later thought he also recognized a message from Guanlin arriving. It was too much to process in just one go, tears forming in his eyes and his heart alarming him of escaping his chest at any moment; Daniel looked at the radio like he did not know what it was, unbelieving. Because nothing that has been happening sounded like real life.

“Why don’t you send him a message? Who knows, perhaps he is listening.” Please. Daniel was listening. Please.

“You can use my ridiculous confession for personal peruse if you would like to, just saying.” Jisung let out a couple of laughs, nervous, insecure; and a long sigh abandoned his throat then, preparing himself before finally saying: “I like you, too. Love you and miss you so much you have no idea. It’s just that−”

And until there Daniel needed to listen to; the same words he sent in that voice message he thought that was erased and ignored, answered.

Seongwoo would come back home in three days.

However, he was working on getting his suitcases, collecting every single belonging of him scattered across their apartment. A one way ticket to Seoul inside the pocket of his pants, and with Woojin talking to him through the phone, giving him a couple indications and the address of the house he needed to arrive to.

He supposed husband to-be came back from filming his movie in less than two days when he went out of the house, his luggage at hand, and closed the door behind him.

Because Daniel was tired of playing pretend. Ignoring Seongwoo cheating on him this whole time, refusing to believe his relationship with him just didn’t work, and that he finally had found the chance of starting over. To move on.

He didn’t plan to let his only opportunity escape him, leaving his engagement ring on the table.

It was raining when he arrived back in Seoul. Was appropriated, he supposed.

The taxi ride had been more eternal that he had imagined. The address Woojin gave him wasn’t that far away from the airport, either, so he couldn’t understand the reason and origin of his immeasurable nervousness. His heart was beating so fast it made his chest hurt, his legs moving on their own while he saw the street nearing.

Daniel was complete and utter mess, in other words.

He hadn’t made a plan or thought of something specific he wanted to say to Jisung the moment they meet, if he was honest.

Didn’t even know if would be able to formulate words in his presence. This idea of abandoning Jeju was so impulsive, improvised, and he was starting to regret it. He looked around, walking in front of the others houses inside the living complex until finding the one with the number the dances gave him. Daniel wonder how the older would look like now, if he still had that cherry-colored hair he last saw him with, or if he had gotten something even more unconventional.

He was so anxious. So much, he couldn’t bring himself to knock at the door when he found himself standing in front of it. Raindrops rolled down his face, falling from the fringe of his soaked hair and probably looking like a neglected puppy. Jisung liked animals. He also liked pets very much. And Daniel liked Jisung.

He was deviating from the topic at hand.

And Daniel basically could hear Woojin’s voice inside his head; scolding him and saying something along the lines of “Do all of us a favor and knock at the damn door already.”

Daniel regretted it as soon as he did, though. Taking his suitcases suddenly and attempting to go back to the island before the older even saw him.

This was a stupid idea , there was no way Jisung would listen to him, or forgive him; maybe he never had referred to him to begin with and now he was going to look like a complete idiot in from of him for knocking at his door, pretending the last two years never happened. And what was he thinking when he had left Jeju and Seongwoo was going to kill him for not being home and−

“Daniel?” How long had been since the last time he had heard his name coming out of the actor’s mouth. He didn’t turn around, just stood there with his back at the older, dumbfounded. It was a lot, too much for his already weak determination. He should never have come back in the first place; he should have just stayed in Jeju, pretending that nothing had ever happened.

“Is it really you?” He asked again, taking Daniel from his shoulder and trying to turn him around to face him. “Niel, come on.” And until there he could endure it, suddenly moving and hugging the slim body of the smaller male.

He didn’t care they both were soaked, standing in the middle of a torrential rain, where all of Jisung’s neighbors could see them and looking like complete idiots that would not take long to get sick.

He simply did not care.

Just minding to bury his face where the shoulder found the neck of the actor, camouflaging his treacherous teardrops in between their already wet clothing. The older’s body felt so good inside his encircling arms, as slim and thin as he remember him to be, fitting with him like he had been made for it. Perhaps Daniel just had become a hopeless romantic, who couldn’t process all the type of emotions plaguing his mind in that exact moment.

It was after a couple of minutes when Jisung started to reciprocate, caressing his back and playing with his hair. They were in complete silence, just the sound of rain colliding with the asphalt making them company, but Daniel could clearly listen to those ‘It’s alright’ and ‘It’s good to see you again’ that never saw way out of their throats.

There he concluded; this is the place he belonged to. In Seoul, with his friends. With Jisung.

And Daniel questioned why he had gone to Jeju to begin with, when he could have use those two years doing this.

Jisung barely could walk him inside his house, and Daniel didn’t blame him really. Since he didn’t seem possible nor he wanted to separate from the older, hugging him from behind and petting his sides while the older tried to open the door. If the actor’s hands trembled because of his traits or the coldness, was something Daniel just could not tell, but his insides were full of butterflies either way by sensing the other male shiver in between his arms, so distracted by it that he couldn’t fit the key on the lock properly.

As soon they entered, Jisung forced his arms out of his waist, taking him to a room at the end of the main hallway, letting him there while he looked for some towels, he guessed. In the meantime, Daniel dedicated himself to look around the other male’s place. It has more spacious he had imagined, bigger than it seemed to be from outside, and perfectly could fit two people living in there. Perhaps, if things went on the right direction, maybe−

He didn’t want to delude himself. There still was a possibility the older decided not to given him the opportunity to fix everything, of going back on time and continue their friendship like these last two years never happened in the first place. After all, what motivation Jisung had to accept this newly-discovered feeling even he didn’t understand properly and that were more prone to hurt him than reverse the damage already done.

Daniel really didn’t think this plan thoughtfully and with at least some dedication. What the hell was he thinking?

“What are you doing here?” Jisung asked him, avoiding like a plague making eye contact with him, lending Daniel a towel for him to dry his hair.

By his broken voice, confused and a bit annoyed, he knew the older wasn’t that enthusiastic about him coming back as Daniel thought. Jisung looked sad, turning his back to him while he roamed around trying to find something that could fit him, ignoring his existence and the way Daniel was making holes on his neck by his penetrating stare.

Now that he was here, flied all the way from Jeju to Seoul in a matter of hours, leaving behind his husband to-be and the whole life they had formed back there; he didn’t need to fake anything. He made his decision and just was left to abide the consequences of his abrupt change of heart. With those thoughts in mind, he responded:

“I heard you the other day, on the radio. What you said about me.”

And Jisung’s body froze in his position, looking at him from above his shoulder with complete surprise. In any other context, situation and moment, he wouldn’t have helped to laugh about his comical expression, but not today. The older looked like he found about his biggest secret, his eyes shining in genuine terror.

He had been taken aback, that was for sure. “That−that was something you shouldn’t have heard.” And his answer just helped Daniel solidifying his belief, by how nervous the older seemed to be; because Jisung never had been the type of person to get anxious easily.

Their eyes connected for the first time then, and Daniel almost forgot how to breathe. Almost. The time stopping on its tracks. He hadn’t notice the brown hair the older now had, nor how shining and bright his eyes were, neither the faint make-up his eyelids still maintain, how red his lips were. It was a bit too much. Too much for his poor heart, one no longer knew how to beat at a normal rhythm.

And if a couple of minutes ago he thought this brand new emotions still were foreign and a bit unbelievable, it just took him to look at Jisung once to convince himself otherwise. He was over; completely controlled by his little crush.

“But I did.” He told Jisung then, and the older just looked at him, watching him without blinking, analyzing him maybe.

The older stood in front of where he was sitting, his clothes still all wet and his bangs mixing with his long eyelashes; his eyes shining in such a way he could assure Jisung was retaining the tears back. Daniel wasn’t sure he would be able to endure seeing the actor cry that soon after arriving to Seoul.

The raindrops clashed with the windows of what he suppose was Jisung’s room, the tension so dense it suffocated him, stole his air and made his head feel light. The older then put his hand against his shoulder, burning him in the act, and closed his eyes before saying:

“I think you should go back to Jeju, Daniel.”

And he could swear the sound of his heart breaking inside his chest was so loud the sound was audible for both of them, by the hurtful expression decorating the actor’s features. Daniel should have thought more profusely about coming back out of nowhere, after living in Jeju all this time. Two years they never talked, during which Jisung deliberately ignored his existence and he just pretended anything that had happened didn’t affect him in the sightless.

All of that started to show its real repercussions, with Jisung cleaning the lonely tears falling on his cheeks on complete silence, without being able to look at him and backing away slowly. Like the mere presence of Daniel hurt him.

“Hyung, please, I−” He tried to say, extending one hand and trying to reach the other’s arm, but Jisung interrupted him before he could even explain himself.

“Your life is in Jeju, with Seong; not here. Do the right thing and just go back, Daniel. I’m sure anything that had happened; you two would be able to fix it.” He told him without life or light on his voice, taking his ruined suitcases and walking them to the home’s entrance, with him chasing his steps.

“Don’t say that, hyung. Seongwoo and I, we don’t−” Daniel didn’t know how to explain it, the words dying inside his mouth. Couldn’t say he didn’t love the other male anymore. That his heart was here now, in Seoul, with Jisung; his determination destroyed itself there, unable to even say how the model had been cheating on him all this time, how tired he was of pretending don’t knowing anything and finally had decided to follow the path of happiness.

Daniel just couldn’t, because his feelings decided to betray him, the memories of Seongwoo still too latent for him to declassify them like that. And was all Jisung needed to hear.

“Go to Jeju and fix your relationship.” Jisung ordered him, turning his back to him again, opening the door and pointing out. The wet breeze hit him suddenly; his body still cold from being on the rain not too long ago. Daniel didn’t want to leave, he wanted to make this work, and nothing Jisung could say will convince him otherwise.

“Hyung, don’t−” He tried again, but the older limited himself to denied with his head.

“Please. Just do it.” And Jisung couldn’t take it anymore, teardrops travelling freely in his cheeks, his shoulders trembling and without looking at him, still determinate to ignore him. He closed the door then, the older resting his head there and letting Daniel hug him from behind.

At that moment, Daniel also didn’t seem able to restrain his imminent wishes to cry; whimpering against the actor’s back, caging Jisung in between his arms as if life depended on it.

Like that, they started talking quietly. Almost inaudible whispers were coming out of their mouths, just loud enough for the other to be able to hear them. Acting as honest as possible.

“Why you had to listen to that fucking radio show? Everything would’ve been easier if you never knew about any of this.” It was a bit difficult to understand him, since the constant cries mixed in with his words and the effects of his tears were noticeable on his voice, but Daniel had learned to grasp the meaning years ago.

“I have always listened to your show, hyung. Not just that day.”

“Why?”

“Because I wanted to hear you; and I was sure you would not answer my phone calls. You never did, after all.”

He couldn’t see, but Daniel swore to feel a huge smile growing in the older’s lips. “I was determinate to not do it, alright? You can’t expect me to want to talk after you accused me of being the worst best friend in the world.”

Right.

He forgot he even told him that. Thought Daniel knew during that fateful occasion he said even worst things, and the older just decided he didn’t want to mention it anymore. Perhaps it was better that way, try and let go of the event. But everything felt so latent, those last days on Seoul, how mad Seongwoo was; how angry Daniel was. So much he thought that was an amazing idea to retaliate all those feelings on the first person he’d seen.

And when he thought would be good to move with the model to Jeju.

Those weren’t his best moments, to be honest. Neither his most perceptive decisions.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, you have to believe me.” Daniel mentioned how much he missed him, how horrible he felt for even thinking those words, and if the older decided to resent him about it for the rest of their days, he wouldn’t question him.

He told him about Seongwoo and Hyunbin, about how badly Daniel wanted to start dancing again, the horrible taste of the cigarettes and how he still couldn’t tell apart the grape-flavor when he smoked them. Told Jisung about Jeju, the peaceful islandic life, how beautiful the beaches were and about the bad radio signal that arrived to his apartment.

Daniel told him he loved him again, how it wasn’t just a caprice and he really meant it. How much of a big idiot he was, and that Jisung had to believe in him. Tried to convince him that he wasn’t doing this to spite Seongwoo; how this were his most honest feelings and Daniel did not have a clue about a way he could show them to him in such way that could make justice to how fast his heart was beating and those butterflies flooding his insides.

The older turned in his grasp then, letting his forehead fall on Daniel’s and smiling up to him in such a mesmerizing way he didn’t know what to do. He felt breathless, blinded by the light coming from the other’s face. They looked at each other like they had never done that before, resting against the main door; Jisung trapped between the wood and Daniel. And he couldn’t help but to descend his attention to those inviting and red lips.

He wanted to kiss him. But wasn’t able to bring the enough courage to do it.

“Go back to Jeju, Niel. Make things work with Seong. And if after all that you decide coming back to Seoul is what you want, we would talk then.” How to say no, he thought, when Jisung’s voice sounded so warm against his ears, persuading him with extreme effectiveness and Daniel could just agree with his head; defeated.

The rain had stopped since then.

Daniel took the luggage between his hands, walking through the sidewalk on front with Jisung watching him, cheering him up to the right thing. He turned back to look at him in his way, seeing the older lighting up a cigarette in his lips. And before leaving completely, Jisung had said to him:

“I also said the truth. On the radio, I mean. And I won’t take it back.”

It sounded like a promise. The commitment of that something good would happen as soon as he resolved his issues with Seongwoo. Daniel started laughing then, smiling like an idiot while he took a taxi back to the airport.

In the end, he decided to leave his belonging on Woojin’s place, who cursed every existence on earth and the evil destiny for not letting this whole thing work on the first try. And Jisung, also, for playing hard to get and not accepting him after had declared his ‘unconditional love’ on the radio for everyone to hear.

It didn’t bother Daniel as much as he thought it would. Love had never been an easy game, after all. Although just now he was starting to release it with certainty.

And he shouldn’t have expected Jisung to accept his feelings so freely like that.

When he arrived back to Jeju, Seongwoo was already home. Daniel knew by how the entrance grid was open and not chained as he left it when leaving for his little trip to Seoul.

Godness.

He was nervous, a mound of emotions going up his throat and making him huge vomiting feelings. Even when he knocked at the door of their apartment, he felt nauseous, like he was a complete stranger, an invasion. That fact perturbed him a bit, because not even three days ago this place was which Daniel had called home for two years; one Seongwoo and he had worked so hard to build and maintain in good conditions.

It was difficult, accepting this cruel reality. Especially when their relationship could have gone so far, and now that possibility seemed so impossible.

Seongwoo was not surprised when he saw him there, standing on the entrance, Daniel’s eyes still a bit red because of the crying feast he and Jisung had the day before.  He didn’t bother touching up his hair, putting earrings on or wearing clothes according the weather and situation. The model had seen him in the worst conditions, in his most deplorable moments; he had nothing to hide, or something to pretend.

He felt a bittersweet taste in his mouth when he asked him permission to enter, greeting him with stranger’s cordiality and passing by him without kissing his lips like he had always done. It seemed like all of their dynamics together was revolutionized, changed and destroyed in those five weeks they were apart. Daniel had seen some things, discovered others, and didn’t plant to continue playing ignorance in front the most important person in his life for nine whole years.

He just couldn’t do it.

“I found your ring, on the table.” That was the first thing Seongwoo told him, lending him a glass of water for him to drink. Daniel was going to need it, he supposed, because his throat had already knotted itself, and they hadn’t started talking upon the most sensitive topics yet. He blinked away the forming tears out of his eyes; he was tired of suffering.

Daniel wanted to be happy, damn it.

“I saw you with Hyunbin, the day you left to film your movie.”

The model stopped in his tracks, looking at him like he had gone crazy. But he was determinate, and tired of all of this, so he stayed firm, maintaining their eye contact and with an anger blowing up in his insides. Daniel just could not believe Seongwoo wanted to play dumb, strike it as madness.

They fight for hours after that. Seongwoo was promising him the sun and moon once again, assuring Daniel he would change and amend the past. How he loved him more than life itself and he wouldn’t what to do if Daniel left him. The model talked about the wedding actually concreting this time, how he had saved enough money. How things could get better after all. Tried to convince him Hyunbin was just a friend that didn’t want to accept their relationship, who kissed him by force and whatever else silliness.

Seongwoo didn’t even deceit himself, but he was damn convincing either way.

However, Daniel was weak. The model looked really remorseful, cried and begged him for a last opportunity. Just one for him to demonstrate Daniel how much he loved him and how that fact would never change. How his affection for him went way beyond some random love affair. And he believed Seongwoo. Of course he fucking did.

Daniel also loved him so much. Always would, probably. And he wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

They didn’t lose anything with giving it another try.

In the end, after almost four months of fruitless attempting, it simply just didn’t work.

The trust was inexistent, Seongwoo’s cellphone sounding all the time, haunting him; the model answering it far away from his presence and looking so appalled to the idea of Daniel getting the call. Perhaps it was nothing and he had just become a bit paranoid, but it was too suspicious for Daniel to forget about the detail.

They kissed, walked hand in hand, fingers interlocked and, sometimes, if the mood and the situation were there, he let the model take his clothes off and lead him to their shared bedroom; however, all of it felt so bittersweet, his lips letting a bad taste on his mouth, his hands hurting every part of his body Seongwoo laid them on. It was terrible, and Daniel always had to force himself to pretend he enjoyed it.

And he felt bad about it, wrongly. Because Seongwoo used to be the only person Daniel imagined touching in such way, kissing him with those intentions in mind; and now, he couldn’t wait for this spectacle to finally end.

They went for walks to the beach as they used to, walking close the shore and talking about love. About weddings and invitations, and the ideas were becoming more realistic inside their minds. Maybe they could get married by the end of the year, close to their anniversary number ten. Who knows. And just like back then, Seongwoo encircled Daniel’s waist and kissed him as if they were alone and between the four walls of their shared apartment.

Everything was the same, the affection was the same, the actions were too; but he couldn’t take off of his mind the image of Seongwoo doing these exact things with the other model as well.

Daniel had been playing pretend for two full years, was used to laugh and smile when he knew things weren’t going great, and simulated complete ignorance. However, he couldn’t convince himself to forget about that horrible moment. Daniel couldn’t just pretend a cheating so obvious like that didn’t affect him at all.

And with that in mind, tired of still feeling the foreign perfume on Seongwoo’s clothes, the little hickeys that appeared from morning to afternoon, and the way the model disappeared for full on days; decided that he had had enough already.

“This isn’t working, Seong.” He told him in the four month. The model wanted to convince him otherwise again, making promise in pretty words and sporting that same smile that made Daniel fall in love almost ten years ago; but even him had accepted the fact that their relationship just didn’t seem to have an existent fix.

It was sad. And Daniel thanked their last memories together would be happy ones. They cooking dinner together, their shoulders bumping because of their closeness and laughing like both hadn’t done in a very long while. They kissed one last time, a simple meeting of lips to seal what hadn’t been, to lock the good instants during their relationship inside a box and try to move on.

Seongwoo’s lips tasted like goodbye, an awful flavor he learned to despise in that moment.

Before crossing doorframe, Seongwoo told him: “I’m so sorry, Niel.” And his voice sounded so devastated, flooded with such genuine sorrow it made Daniel want to regret it, kiss him one more time and whisper to his ear that they could make this work somehow. But he didn’t do that, banished that self-destructive thought out of his mind.

It was too much.

“I am sorry, too.”

Daniel had to go forward. Be honest, stop pretending what it wasn’t true. Life went on, and he planned to take advantage of this opportunity to start all over again. At least he was relieved by the fact his long-time boyfriend wouldn’t have much trouble accomplishing this.

And he smiled to Seongwoo one last time, before closing the door behind him.

Daniel listened to the radio on his way to the airport. It had been months since the last time he had done it, more focused on making his relationship work that hearing three angry young adults complain and program music.

“You look happier than ever, hyung. Did you get laid finally?”

“You’re a fucking idiot.” Jisung said, but could help to laugh anyways, amused by the horrible comments Jaehwan made. “I don’t get how I tolerate seeing and hearing you every day.”

It was a bit peculiar to hear him after months of withdrawal. And his voice has been having the worst effects on Daniel’s enamored mentality.

“Because you adore me, obviously.”

“Sure.” The older had said again, reluctantly, Minhyun melodious laugh listenable on the back. It was good to hear them again. “And for your information, really good stuff has been happening to me this lasts days.”

“Yerim, isn’t it?”

Yerim. How long ago was the last time he hear that name. It was nostalgic, really; just listening to it took him back to his College days. When Jisung had went out with her; when his long-distance relationship with Seongwoo still remained impeccable. Things had changed a lot since then.

“Yerim? Your ex-girlfriend Yerim?”

“She herself. Called me a couple of days ago; something about getting me a main role in this theater play her acting agency was organizing.”

“That means you are going back to acting?”

“Maybe. If the role is good enough, I might.” And pre-recorded sounds of trumpets and claps started to come out of his speakers. Because has been centuries since the last time Jisung even had the wishes to start acting again.

He also was happy for the older male.

Daniel would congratulate him as soon as he sees him again, in a couple of hours.

Daniel couldn’t remember other time he had more nervous than now. Not even in his first job interview he felt this anxious, and that occasion also managed to disturb his senses with special efficiency.

He had to be standing in front of the door for at least ten minutes before resolving to knock at it. Daniel fixed up his hair because of his mere nervousness, knowing that it was perfect already but he did it anyways, his stomach writhing inside his torso and plaguing itself with imaginary butterflies. He felt bubbly, happier and ever; it had been quite a bit of time since last time Daniel felt his screw up, this in love. It was nice, more than he’d imagined.

And when the door had opened up in front of him; his heart made an embarrassing jump inside his chest.

“Daniel?!” It was Jonghyun, surprisingly, who appeared from inside the house. He had his hair all over the place, his always-present charisma seemed to be still asleep, his eyes half open and looking at him like he was an alien. So it was true that Jisung already had a new housemate.

He would have to apologize to Guanlin for not believing him.

Either way, he was stoked to see his senior after years of not hearing a word about what he has been up to, the extension of his knowledge been the little things Minhyun mentioned of him on the radio and nothing more. Perhaps Daniel should also have called him once or twice, but the thought just never crossed his mind. However, it was good to catch up with him.

The older male knew him so well, making him laugh and knowing how to make him feel good, in confidence. And maybe that was what he had missed on those two years living in Jeju; being surrounded by more people, not expect Seongwoo to satisfy all of his socializing needs.

The more time it passed by, more convinced Daniel was about him making the good decision in moving back to Seoul.

“And what brings you back to Seoul? The last time I heard about you, you were moving to Jeju and marring your boyfriend.” Right. That much time has passed.

It was weird to him, really, how people mentioned Seongwoo and their popular relationship back then, how cautious they were when talking about it to him. Daniel had imagined Woojin would have said something to the older male, they choreographed together after all.

“I came to see Jisung-hyung, Do you know when he gets back?” If a diverse pallet of pinkish colors adorned his cheeks, was something he would not be admitting to anytime soon. In the same way he deliberately ignored the malicious smile forming on Jonghyun’s attractive face.

So he was up to date about everything that had happened.

“Hyung works until late today, but you could stay and wait for him if you’d like to.”

And he was more than up to accept that offer. Daniel couldn’t wait to see an expression of completed shock forming on Jisung’s face as soon as the actor saw him once again.

Jonghyun left for his part-time job half an hour after his arrival, making him promise that he wouldn’t act like a stranger again and would talk more thoroughly in other occasion. Daniel smiled confidently up to him, laughing as always, because he wanted to be optimistic and convince himself he would stay in Seoul for a good time; and by the bright expression decorating the older’s features, he supposed that Jonghyun was wishing the same thing.

He left him alone on the house he shared with Jisung then, until the actor condescend himself back. According to Jonghyun, the older male came back home around ten on a typical Friday night. Sometimes earlier, others didn’t see him until the very next day, so it was a bit hard to predict. Though Daniel didn’t mind either way; he had all the time on the world anyways.

Daniel warned the older’s arrival as soon as a prominent fragrance similar to cigarettes started invading the house. It was an unmistakable scent; strong, pure nicotine mixing up with the wind until getting to his senses. Daniel wouldn’t deny it was a bit comical how Jisung hadn’t gotten over that bad habit of smoking inside closed places; how back in the old days he received hell and back from their acquaintances for not bothering turning it off.

However, not even that good memory could spare Daniel’s mind from the nervousness that attacked him suddenly.

He was sitting on the older’s bed, without moving a muscle aside from his heart beating with such intensity inside his chest it made him feel dizzy. His face all blushed, probably; his features tired of smiling so much.

Jisung had the cigarette falling from his mouth when he opened the door of his room, the remains getting between the scarf around his neck and without noticing his presence right away. And the expression he made, it was honestly priceless.

“Daniel? What the hell are you doing here?” Jisung said; his mouth opened wide and his jaw almost falling all the way to the floor. Almost, and he couldn’t help to laugh out loud, hugging the actor who still was in a state of complete and utter confusion.

It had been only four months, but the older seemed to get more attractive each time Daniel looked at him. Still as skinny as always, dressing stylish-ly and with that faint make-up he never forgot to apply to himself. His brown hair, fluffy and soft between his hands; and that characteristic scent of perfume mixed up with smoke arriving to his senses.

All of that was so indicating of Jisung, the same guy with the ear piercings and funny comments he had shared dorm rooms for almost five years in College. And he felt like those two years living in Jeju were cancelled in front of the radiant presence of the actor.

“I thought you would never come back, really. I was convinced that next time I would hear from you was going to be in wedding invitations.” The older laughed against his ear, whispering more than saying words.

For some reason, Daniel did not like at all the despair wrapping Jisung’s voice and trying to camouflage between the trivialities of the expression without any results; at least to him.

It sounded like he never had trusted in the idea of Daniel actually coming back. Taking for granted that he would always prefer Seongwoo instead of him.  And he didn’t like the little faith the older had on him. However, Jisung had a big smile on his face when Daniel freed him from between his arms, looking at him with so much love and admiration that he couldn’t bring himself to say something, to try and convince him otherwise.

His imminent wishes of wanting to kiss him shadowed those horrible griefs with amazing speed.

But Daniel couldn’t convince himself to just do it. To grab his face in between his hands and collide those plump and pink lips against his own. He felt a little embarrassed, the mere idea of kissing Jisung making hurricanes inside his mind. And then he started to reminisce how soft, how sweet Seongwoo’s mouth was, how lightheaded he became every time they had kissed.

And maybe he wasn’t ready yet.

The memories of the model still a bit too present inside his brain.

They talked for what seemed to be hours straight. As Jisung had promised they would if Daniel decided to come back to Seoul.

The older told him about own his life in those two years. About how much he liked to work at the radio station even though he didn’t make lots of money by doing so. He commented about Jonghyun, their short year sharing space, about both of them saving some cash to buy a house Minhyun and the composer could call home. Jisung also mentioned him about his almost bike accident, his wishes of starting to act again and everything that had been inside his mind during the time Daniel lived in Jeju.

Jisung also told him that these feelings were new to him as well; maybe just a couple weeks earlier that his own discovering, not much more. How, suddenly, every single thing seemed to make sense, his world clicking. And when he had assumed them completely, Jisung thought he was fighting an already lost war, that wasn’t worth to have these one-sided emotions. And about how fucking hard he had been trying to forget about them.

Daniel just could smile down to him, a bit touched and relieved that Jisung hadn’t just given up. How perhaps, maybe, he still wanted to give a chance this. Whatever this was.

“I already told you this, but I won’t take back what I said then.” Jisung started, keeping the eye contact naturally. Like it was so easy to look at him that way; his eyes shining between the little tears swimming there. And he felt his legs tremble, barely resisting his weight; his heart working once again at such a fast speed he could listen to its beats inside his ears.

Maybe he should have sit before having his conversation.

“I like you, I really do. Almost too much, and if−” Jisung was resting his back against the wall, bringing the cigarette between his fingers up to his mouth frequently, making tricks with the smoke coming out of it and speaking about love like he was an expert. It was too much, his attention gravitating more towards his lips than he words it modulate.

Daniel had thought they were in a mutual agreement that yes, they liked each other and the time to do something about it finally has arrived.

With newly awaken confidence, Daniel walked up to him, caging the older between the wall and his body, faces so close their breathing could mix, the smoke coming out of the older’s mouth burning him a bit, being after inhaled by his own nose. The combination of all that, the still fresh sounds of Jisung admitting loud and clear to like him in his mind, and the way the actor looked up to him defying-ly, expecting and waiting for his next action; were a bit too much of his heart.

He didn’t ask for his permission, Daniel just took the cigarette out of Jisung’s mouth and replaced it with his lips.

He didn’t felt fireworks, trumpets or any of those silly things taken out of romance books; it was a different type of feeling the one invading him that moment. It was consuming, growing from his insides and traveling up to his mind, everything all of a sudden fitting in its position, finding the place they seemed to always belong to. Like a puzzle, almost.

All of his melancholy, sadness and emotions of typical dramatic young adult were expulsed out of his body. And everything felt so right; a magnet keeping Daniel there, with their lips connect no matter how his breathing started to lack inside his lungs, or how his mind was already clouded by the thought revolution flying across his mind. It seemed like all those years of friendship, and especially these last months of confusion existed to lead them to this moment, to this final conclusion.

Jisung never attempted to deepen the union, just petting his neck and allowing Daniel to take over the control of the situation, letting his cold hands go inside his sweater and touch his sides. Jisung didn’t say anything, just gave him permission to explore whatever, parting their lips every now and then to share the cigarette that still lingered between his fingers, lighting up another one if they ran out of it.

And was weirdly erotic; sharing smoke between their attached mouths.

If the older put it that way, there is a ton of things Daniel could try and do, if Jisung were to act so allowing. However, this wasn’t the best moment to let his thought travel on that lain. Not now, when everything seemed so perfect and how it always should have been.

They could take those steps later on.

After what looked like hours without getting tired of kissing, Daniel needed to say all he had been accumulating in this last months. And he did just that.

Daniel told him how sorry he was, for saying those things way back then. It might not matter now, but they were never words he meant from the bottom of his heart. That he was just mad, sad and it didn’t give him the right to take it all out on Jisung. Daniel promised everything he had said in that voice message was true, how they weren’t groundless words and how he had reached the point where he could not imagine spending one more day without seeing him, talking to him; without having Jisung by his side and laughing with him.

He tried to assure him that Seongwoo would always be someone important to him, that he wouldn’t deny his existence or ignore how strongly he felt for the model, but how those emotions were a thing from the past. How Daniel’s heart was now here, with Jisung. He told him he needed him more than anyone else and that he was an idiot for not noticing it early. And Jisung had the forgive him; believe in him, and how the older could hit him if that would made him felt better about this whole situation.

At the end of his little speech, the actor didn’t hit him. Neither he cried nor got mad, instead he limited himself to sonorously laugh, taking Daniel’s face between his hands before kissing him once again, silencing him, telling him by that way how he was ready to let all of that behind, to start from the beginning if that’s what Daniel wanted.

And he wanted to cry. Because Jisung was too understanding; and Daniel concluded that he did not deserved the love from a person like the older, being even friends with someone so loyal, so loving.

He would have to try very hard if the pretended to make this work out.

And he was more than happy to.

Jisung had never been mad.

He couldn’t.

He just was waiting him to apologize, for him to say something, anything that sounded sincere for Jisung to believe it. That would’ve been enough for the older back then, because he adored him that much; his love for Daniel went beyond boyfriend problems and discussions, didn’t change or decrease. It wasn’t something that trivial.

He also wasn’t able to hate him so persistently, to be honest.

But Daniel had moved to Jeju instead of apologizing.

And was what destroyed him; not what Daniel had said in between drunken mumblings and that Jisung didn’t even remember properly anymore.

Daniel didn’t have where to stay the night. And he started to think that; maybe, assuring Woojin everything would work out had not been one of his best decisions after all.

He also didn’t know how start asking the older if he could sleep here for today, in his house. Since Jisung already had a housemate, and his arrival had been so out of nowhere that they couldn’t just assemble a bed for him to be able to use. He couldn’t be so greedy, that impertinent, especially in his first day back in Seoul for the better.

“I guess we would have to share beds, then.” And Daniel didn’t like the idea, at all.

What put him so uneasy wasn’t the fact of sleeping alongside the older, because they used to do that all the time back then, it was something else. Everything was different; their relationship wasn’t the same anymore. Having Jisung there, resting on his back by his side, mere inches separating them and a breath away from being able to touch him; Daniel didn’t want to think about that.

He refused to; so much so, he forced himself to hide his eyes under his hands when the older took his shirt off to change it for something more casual.

Jisung just laughed at him, though. “It’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before, for god’s sake.”

Oh. Daniel has seen him before. Countless times, the memory a bit too vivid to belong to the mind of a young man that was months apart from getting married. And he was sure if he saw him in this context; it would not help his active imagination in the sightless. The actor, on his part, was having the time of his life, laughing mockingly at the blonde’s predicament.

And if the preamble was this catastrophic, Daniel couldn’t imagine how he would feel when they actually were sleeping together.

“Come on, don’t act like a little kid now.” Jisung said to him when both were lying down next to each other, taking Daniel’s hands and putting them around his own waist, done with seeing him doubt and act like a hormonal teenager. Honestly, it even surprised Daniel himself, because not even a week ago he was an engaged guy, going out and daily sharing a bed with a young male he had been dating for almost ten years.

He knew how to do this. It just was that Daniel did not know how to do it to someone else, someone that wasn’t Seongwoo.

“Just keep your hands there and go to sleep, lover-boy. It’s not that hard.” It was easier said than done.

Every bit of sleepiness seemed to have been frightened out of his system; too alert about the light movements the older did inside his arms, how soft the skin of his sides was and how distracting the back of the older’s neck was. And the little giggles Jisung let out of his mouth didn’t help his case not even one bit. He meant to get revenge, tickle him or something, take advantage of his upper position and make him pay with his own medicine, but when Daniel introduced his hands more inside his shirt, trying to find that spot always made the older cry in laughter, he felt too much metal tingling on his way.

He had forgotten about Jisung’s piercings.

Fuck.

He was screwed.

And Jisung laugh even more loudly, understanding what was inside his mind. Daniel just could laugh with him as well; hiding his reddened face against the older’s shoulder and profusely sighing; because all of this was too comical for him to handle.

“It’s hard, ok?” Daniel said in a muffled voice, embarrassed, while he played with the older’s bellybutton piercing. He then wondered why Jisung had to be such a fan of the whole perforation thing, or why he had to make him suffer in such a vile way. Perhaps Jisung was getting his revenge; for just have abandon him and for saying those horrible stuff back in the day.

Now he was starting to wish the older had hit him instead. This was just plain torture.

Daniel was growing excited.

“I can tell.” And Jisung was enjoying this way too much; his insinuations were overly obvious for him just to forget about them, caressing his arms and not doing anything but worsening Daniel’s predicament.

That’s why Daniel decided he already had had enough. If Jisung wanted to play with fire, so would he. He turned the older around until lay him on his back, placing his body over the actor’s and kissing his mocking lips, forcefully; ones that never stopped laughing even when his tongue found its way inside the older’s mouth, investigating everything on his way. Neither when his hands started travelling up and down, going to places not many people had permission to venture, or when Jisung started to unbutton his shirt.

They didn’t stop laughing, both of them. Smoking along the way and burning the sheets in the process. Because all of this seemed too humoristic, so out of this world that they simply didn’t want to believe this was actually happening.

If they did some things, fooled around; was a detail Daniel preferred keeping to himself.

The happiest person with all of this was Woojin. So much, two months after he came back to Seoul the younger gave him a whole afternoon on a dance studio as thanks for having ended everyone's suffering.

Daniel just ignored the comment.

It felt splendid to dance once again. It was like Daniel never had stopped; his stamina and technique as impeccable as back in his golden days. Being there, alone, just with a mirror and modern music coming out of his speakers, all felt nice. This was him, Kang Daniel in its most genuine essence, what he had always been and something he should have never ignored.

His body moved on its own, so lost on feeling the music vibrating through him, overwhelmed to finally come back to his first love, after years of neglecting it, like a last priority; that he didn’t notice when the studio’s door opened, nor when a person sat on a chair and looked at him between awed and surprised.

It was when Daniel felt satisfied and opened his eyes again, that he saw a man on suit and tie extending his hand to him, offering him a job as a teacher on that same dance studio.

The man talked a bit about the place prestige, how they had the reputation of training Idols before they went to auditions and tried to make their dreams come true on the bigger places, and how it would be beneficial for them if someone with such talent could teach here. Sure, if Daniel was willing to do it.

And he didn’t take more than a heartbeat in accepting the proposition, smiling up to the man so widely his face started to hurt. Because this was Daniel’s dream, what he always wanted to do with his life, his only and never-changing ambition; and he wasn’t going to be dumb enough to let this opportunity escape from his hands just like that.

Daniel gave his phone number to the man, who promised to communicate back to him soon, and say goodbye cordially.

As soon as he leaved the room, Daniel started laughing, happier that he had ever felt in his twenty five years of life, looking for Woojin’s phone contact with such urge to let him know about the amazing news, and to thank him with his life for letting this all happen to begin with.

The younger dancer screamed through the phone, and maybe cried a little, but both let the detail behind, hearing from afar the sounds of joy coming out of Jihoon and Guanlin’s mouth when they found out about it as well.

So big was his happiness, that he wrongly called Seongwoo, who also had the nicest and most heartwarming things to say, Hyunbin’s voice on the back, but he congratulated him with such love that he honestly thought nothing could go wrong at this point.

And when he arrived home, the first thing Daniel did was grab Jisung by his waist, lifting him up like he was a mere feather, spinning him and laughing without caring about how confused the older looked in that moment; stealing the cigarette from his mouth and putting it on his own.

“Hey, give it back!” Jisung had said.

Daniel probably had to stop smoking, he supposed, but would have time to think and convince himself about it later. He could worry about the small details later.

Now, he just wanted to be happy for once. Because everything seemed to fall in its place, the whimsical destiny working on Daniel’s favor after years betraying him, his life finally taking the path it always should had.

“How is your new place, Minhyun?”

“It’s perfect, beautiful too. And Jonghyun still waits for your visit, hyung.”

“I know, I know. I am a busy man, alright?”

“If by busy you mean playing to ‘the teenager in love’ again, well yes.”

“Don’t know what the hell are you talking about, Jaehwan.”

“I’m talking about the guy with the mole under his eye that follows you around like a lovesick puppy.”

“Leave him alone, Jaehwan. Finally things are working out for hyung.”

“Doesn’t matter. Revenge is a dish better served cold.” And with that last sentence, they went on music break.

It was a bit silly to continue listening to the radio when the solely reason why he started doing it in the first place lived with Daniel, had been sharing bed and clothes with him for months now; and more ridiculous seemed to him the way his insides filled with imaginary butterflies just by hearing his name implied on the show.

It didn’t make any logical sense, and Daniel was starting to convince himself that he still was on the ‘Honeymoon’ phase.

It was the least important thing, he concluded. Daniel didn’t have a reason to play pretend, act otherwise, or something to hide.

He already had enough of that.