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When Jonas got home, he could still taste the remnants of kebab on his tongue. But there was a feeling of guilt pooling in his stomach that left a stronger, more bitter taste in his mouth. That feeling was mingled in with relief and pride and happiness, sure—but the guilt was still the strongest of all.
Thea was watching some reality show when he walked in, something that he faintly recognized because Eva had also watched it from time to time. She glanced up at him when he walked in. "Not going out tonight?"
"Nah. Let's just watch a movie or something later."
She hummed in thought as he collapsed on the couch beside her, hoping that the show she was watching would provide some sort of empty-headed distraction, but he couldn’t bring himself to focus on it—his mind apparently had other ideas. It was rapidly flipping through the mental calendar he’d had, trying to pinpoint when exactly he’d first noticed Isak growing distant.
Was it two weeks ago, when he’d snapped and shoved Mahdi?
Was it from the beginning of the school year, when he realized that Isak had stopped asking where the parties were at every weekend?
Was it half a year ago, when Isak had broken up with Sara, barely giving an explanation about it? Or when Isak had texted him out of the blue at two in the morning, asking him if he could help him move out of his parents’ house in three hours' time?
Fuck, or was it before even all that?
Thea silently held out the bowl of chips she’d been picking at. Jonas grabbed a handful even though he was full from the kebab. She made a face when she saw how much he took.
“Don’t hog all of it,” she mumbled.
Jonas was happy that Isak had been willing to tell him the truth, he was. He was flattered and humbled when Isak had mentioned he was one of the first people he’d ever really told. Jonas was proud of him, even—so fucking proud.
But all the same, he couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty that it had taken Isak this long to tell him. That he’d had a thing with this guy for—how long? One week? Two? Even longer? And Isak hadn’t even dared to speak a word about it until it was all over.
And if Jonas had been one of the first people that Isak had told…
The whole thing felt so unfair. Jonas had told Isak about every girl he’d hooked up, usually even the very day after it had happened. And when he and Eva had broken up, Isak had listened to every single drunk ramble he’d given without a single complaint. It felt like he was taking more from Isak than he was giving back.
He wondered if he’d done something wrong. If he’d said something stupid or ignorant that had made Isak think that Jonas would have done anything but encourage him.
He couldn’t exactly say that he hadn’t seen it coming. He’d had his suspicions about Isak for a while, only setting them more deeply in stone when Eskild once made an offhand comment about finding Isak in a gay bar one night. And Jonas had made sure to watch his tongue ever since he’d first had that hunch. But the thought that he could have said something in the past—something that might forever be rooted in Isak’s mind and might have been the reason his own best friend hadn’t felt comfortable simply telling him about who he liked—it made Jonas feel sick to his stomach.
"Don't tell the other guys yet, though," Isak had said. "I'll probably tell them myself when I have to."
Suddenly, Jonas lost his appetite. He stretched out his hand and let the uneaten chips fall back into the bowl on Thea’s lap. She made an approving noise but didn’t shift her attention away from the show, in which a woman was wiping tears away and complaining about how her boyfriend hadn’t been there for her when she’d needed him.
“I’ve had my last straw with him,” she sniffled. Jonas felt that the boyfriend deserved another chance.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he fumbled to wipe his chip-oily hands on his jeans before fishing it out of his pocket. The effect of the text was instantaneous—the knot of tension gnawing inside him eased as his eyes moved over the words in the gray bubble on his screen.
ISAK
Hey
Thanks for today J
Sent underneath the text was a thumbs-up emoji. It may have been viewed as underwhelming by probably any other person, but Jonas knew Isak well enough by this point to know that any sort of emoji use in a situation like this was as close enough to ‘I love you’ as Isak got. He quickly wiped his hands on his pants again before tapping out a reply:
JONAS
Of course bro, no stress
Always here if you need to talk
His finger hovered over the sunglasses emoji for a few moments, before changing his mind last minute and sending what he believed to be a hilarious yet reassuring gif in reply.
Isak’s reply came in almost immediately.
ISAK
Hahaha
Sent right after was another thumbs up.
Jonas turned his phone screen off with a smile and leaned back on the couch. Meanwhile on the TV screen, the woman and her boyfriend seemed to have set aside their differences for a tearful heart-to-heart. And as they pulled each other into an embrace, Jonas decided that maybe he couldn’t do shit about what he may have said or done in the past, but he sure as hell would work his ass off to make sure he made up for it every day starting now. Isak liked boys, and Jonas would go to his grave trying to make Isak know that really, it was no big deal.
It was with this resolution that he allowed his mind to finally wander away from the mind-eating guilt inside him. Jonas reached for the chip bowl on Thea's lap again with a renewed determination, and she simply handed him the rest of the bowl with an eye-roll when she saw how much he'd grabbed.
On screen, the boyfriend was now gifting his girlfriend with a diamond necklace that he had pulled out of nowhere and looked far too expensive. Jonas wondered if the boyfriend was aware of the monopoly issue within the diamond industry. On that level at least, Eva definitely beat out all the contenders in his book. She’d told him straight up early on when they’d been dating that she’d much rather Jonas spent money on food for her rather than diamonds or any other sort of jewelry.
But every person values different things, he allowed after a moment, watching as the girlfriend’s face softened into an awed, little smile. He supposed it really wasn’t fair to judge people for it. Some people valued nachos while others valued diamond necklaces, while some people…some people preferred something as small as a little drawing.
Jonas blinked a little in surprise as he realized why the girl’s smile looked so familiar. He’d seen it on Isak just a couple hours ago, when he’d looked at the drawing Even had given him.
Maybe it was less about the gift itself, Jonas thought, and more about the person whom it came from.
And as he popped the last chip in his mouth, Jonas dimly wondered who this revue nerd Even was, and how exactly he’d managed to make his best friend—Isak Valtersen, who had once loudly proclaimed himself to be no less than “the fucking master of being chill”—smile stupidly for hours on end because of a little doodle on a scrap of paper.