Work Text:
“Hey Grant, Grant!”
“What's up, Chloe Bowie?”
Anderson was working on his physics extra credit but wasn’t all that upset about the distraction.
“I read something cool in the newspaper today.” She sat down on his bed. “It said that guys can marry guys now. Is that true?”
“In some places, yeah, but not everywhere.”
“Are you gonna marry Hotch?” Chloe asked.
“Whoa, slow down kiddo; this isn’t Kentucky.” Anderson smirked at his own joke though his nine year old sister had no idea what he was talking about.
“But you love Hotch, right? People get married so they can love each other and do it. You're halfway there.”
“It’s a little more complicated than that.” Anderson said. He was all the way there but Chloe didn’t have to know that.
“Do you mean the doing it part?” Chloe asked.
“Amongst other things, yes.” He nodded.
“I don’t understand. If guys can marry guys now then you should marry Hotch.”
“The thing is, we’re pretty young. Not too many people get married at eighteen anymore. There are a million other cool things to do first.”
“Like what?”
“Well skydive for one. Go hiking in the mountains, take a road trip to California with friends, take photos in Red Square, see the Statue of Liberty, karaoke some Bee Gees songs, read all of Ira Levin novels…seriously there are a million things.”
“Do we all have to do the same things?” Chloe asked.
“No, and the awesome part if that there are so many things in the world to do that my million and your million could be totally different. Rushing into marriage is a bad idea. You have to be mature and have a good job, at the very least. Why are you so into marriage right now?”
“I just want you and Hotch to be together forever.”
“Why?” Anderson asked.
“Well, there can't be a lot of guys who like guys out there. You found one so you gotta keep him.” Chloe replied. “Hotch is really cute and he drives a cool car.”
“Yes to both of those observations.” He nodded. “Don’t worry, no matter what I’ll land on my feet. I promise.”
“OK.”
“Hug it out, kiddo.”
Chloe laughed and hugged her brother. Anderson kissed the top of her head. Both of his sisters asked him the strangest things. He usually enjoyed every minute of it.
“Can I ask you one more thing, Grant?”
“You know you can ask me anything.”
“This is kinda private though.”
“OK.”
Chloe got up from the bed, walked over and closed the bedroom door. Then she sat back down.
“I can talk to you about anything right?” she asked.
“Yeah, seriously. Whatever it is I'm here for you because that’s what big brothers do. Is this gonna require me to kick someone’s ass?”
“No.” Chloe covered her mouth and giggled.
“What is it?”
“What's doing it really mean? I mean I kinda know but I have a lot of questions.”
“Oh, um…”
Anderson took a deep breath, closing his eyes. It was bound to happen one of these days. Chloe and Krissy were both smart and curious. But Chloe thought outside of the box. She wanted to learn things and never minded asking questions.
She didn’t want to be spoon fed the usual; that wasn’t how to get knowledge. She reminded him a lot of himself. That fascinated and frightened Anderson at the same time. He knew all the ups and downs he'd been through and didn’t want Chloe to have to endure that.
“Don’t you think this is something you should discuss with Mom?” he asked.
“Why?” Chloe made a face. “You know she's gonna say ‘when a man and woman love each other, blah, blah, blah…’ I really want to know stuff. C'mon Grant.”
“Alright look, three things first. One, don’t ever tell Mom we talked about this. She’ll kill me and I have a lot of life left to live. When the time comes for her to tell you stuff about doing it, just smile and nod. Deal?”
“Deal.” Chloe nodded and smiled to show she could do it well.
“Two, pinky swear that you won't tell Krissy either. People want to learn things at their own pace so rushing to tell her stuff will just confuse her. It could possibly turn her into a werewolf.”
“For real?” her green eyes went wide. “No way.”
“It’s possible, and you don’t want that to happen right.”
“No way.” She shook her head.
“So pinky swear.” Anderson held out his pinky and his sister wrapped her finger around it.
“Three, tell me what you think doing it means.”
“OK, but I got a lot of this from Janie at school. She sits in the back of the class and is a lousy speller but we trade snacks sometimes at lunch. She said she got it from her sister Lisa.”
“Gotcha.”
“A boy pushes his thingamabob into a girl’s hoo-hah, pumps it a few times, and sometimes they make a baby.” Chloe said. “But a baby only comes if a boy squirts out stuff called sperm. That has to be crap, right?”
“Yes and no.” this was a delicate conversation and Anderson wanted to make sure he didn’t scar his sister for life. Janie had already done enough.
“Do you know the real name for girl and boy parts?”
“Girls have vaginas and boys have P-E-N-I-S. I not sure how to pronounce that word and Mom says I can't say vagina out loud because it makes people uncomfortable.”
“The boy part is called a penis.” Anderson said.
“That’s a dumb name.” Chloe made a face.
“Yeah, it is.” He smiled. “There are other names but we’ll stick with the technical stuff for now.”
“And babies come from sperm? Mom told me last year that they came from the cabbage patch but I totally knew she was lying. I already know they come from bellies.”
“They come from bellies.” Anderson nodded.
“What about sperm?”
“We’ll talk about it when you're a little older. Sperm is complicated. Welp, I'm glad that I could help…”
“Grant!” she dragged his name out. “I have more questions.”
“I was afraid of that.” He mumbled.
“How do two boys, like you and Hotch, do it? Or two girls; Janie said they’re called lesbians. How do I know if I'm a lesbian or just a regular ol girl?”
Aha, so that’s what his was about. Anderson knew his little sister was still pre-pubescent but that didn’t mean she didn’t think other girls were cute. Confused was probably the wrong word but she was inquisitive. Chloe was the kind of kid that believed every question had an answer. And her question, no matter how much she beat around the bush, was am I a lesbian.
“OK, first of all Chloe, lesbians are regular ol girls. Gender and sexual fluidity, and I know you don’t know what that means, is probably the craziest conversation we’ll ever have. I'm glad that you're nine and don’t understand it all yet. When you get old enough we’ll talk about it all again.”
“But how do I know if I'm a lesbian now?” Chloe asked.
“Here’s the simple test, and this is very simple so it doesn’t always give you the result you need. It’s good for kids though. Who do you think about when I say the most beautiful, cool, amazing person on Earth that you would marry if they asked?”
“Beyoncé…duh. Even though she's married already, Beyoncé is super beautiful and cool.”
“OK, not counting Beyoncé who would you say?”
Chloe sat there for a minute and her brother knew she was thinking hard about it.
“Loki!” Chloe exclaimed. “Does he count even if he doesn’t live on Earth?”
“Loki definitely counts.” Anderson nodded.
“So, am I a lesbian?”
“Clo, you have years and years to explore this stuff. You can ask questions, kiss girls, kiss boys, and get to know yourself. Don’t rush it cuz seriously you blink and your childhood is over. I cross my heart that I will do my best to always be here to help you understand your feelings. It’s in the big brother contract I signed on the day you and Krissy were born.”
“OK.” She was disappointed but tried not to show it. “As big brothers go you are pretty cool.”
“I appreciate that. You're in my top two favorite sisters.”
“You only have two.” Chloe laughed.
“Makes it easier, doesn’t it?” Anderson smiled. “Alright squirt, time to scram. I gotta finish this homework.”
“Love you, Grant.” She threw her arms around him.
“Love you too.”
“Bye.” Chloe hopped off the bed, waving as she opened the door and walked down the hall.
Anderson fell over on his bed. Oh. My. God. That had to be sign #414 that having kids of his own was a bad idea. To have been taken completely by surprise, he did alright. Hoping something like that never happened again would just be wishful thinking. This was the rest of his big brother life.
“Oh Grant, one more thing before I forget.” Chloe stuck her head in his door.
“Go ahead.” He was still lying on his pillow with his hand over his eyes.
“Am I too young to read a Stephen King book? Atiya said there are kids in it?”
“Yes.” Anderson replied. “You're too young.”
“How old do I need to be?”
“Thirteen, at the least.”
“That’s like four whole years from now.” Chloe said.
“Yep.” He nodded.
“OK, thanks Grant.”
“Mmm hmm, no problem.”
***
The bell rang over his head. Totally Tuxedo wasn’t packed but there were plenty of people there. Prom season was only a couple of months away and people were getting married too. Saturday was always a bad time but that’s all he could do with his busy schedule. At least Hotch was with him.
“I can only imagine.” His boyfriend said. “I'm glad my brother is only seven. I get stuck babysitting and all that stuff enough. I could never answer those kinds of things.”
“And Chloe has no filter…she just goes for broke. Other than calling the actual parts thingamabob and hoo-hahs she was pretty on point.”
“Which one was which?”
Anderson was about to answer when an attractive twenty something man approached them.
“How can I help you?” he asked.
“I'm looking for a prom tux.” Anderson replied.
“What is your color scheme?”
“It’s red, black, and silver. But our school is doing a rather cheesy ode to disco or whatever so I'm looking for something from your Sweet Daddy section.”
He looked at Hotch and the teen suppressed a giggle. It was the first smile Anderson had seen from him all day. Something was wrong but Hotch was trying to hide it. Anderson wouldn’t push, even if all he wanted to do was make it better. He never had to tell Hotch that he was there for him through anything. He'd shown it from the moment they became intimate.
“I have a few things over here; just follow me.” He smiled as Hotch and Anderson followed him. “What size is your waist?”
“Thirty.” Anderson replied. “I've bought a twenty eight on occasion but that’s really a hope and dream these days.”
“We’ll measure you just to be sure. I'm Ryan, have a look around, and I’ll be right back.”
“Great.”
Anderson smiled as he walked away. He whispered as he perused the racks. “Some guys are really too cute to be anything but straight. I'm not sure if everyone has the power but I can tell cute straight guys from cute gay guys.”
“You couldn’t know with me.” Hotch said.
“Well there are exceptions to every rule. Plus you're bisexual so I didn’t catch it as fast. I can say I was hoping, hoping because I really wanted you.”
Hotch didn’t respond and when Anderson looked at him, he was biting his lip. He looked distracted and worried. They would get the tuxedo and then Anderson would find out what was going on.
“Let’s do a quick measurement.” Ryan came back with the measuring tape. “That way we can make sure you get just what you need.”
“Do you have a bathroom?” Hotch asked.
“Oh sure. Go all the way to the back of the fitting rooms. It’s the door with the green knob.”
“Thanks. I’ll be right back.”
“Stand up straight and lift your arms please.” Ryan said. “Is that your brother?”
“That’s my boyfriend.” Anderson replied. “He's usually much friendlier but he's got a lot on his mind. Do you have anything in maroon? I'm thinking maroon is a good shade for me. I know it’s not very spring but I don’t care. Also, I want a really shiny black shirt.”
“So you want the full on, big pimpin look?” Ryan asked.
“Oh yeah.” Anderson smiled. “I'm all about going big or going home.”
***
“Hmm?” Hotch looked up from the burger he was holding but not eating. Anderson's hand was on top of his.
“You’ve been in another world all day. Are you OK?”
“Yeah.” He nodded.
“No.” Anderson shook his head. “I love the fact that you're a bad liar.”
“Actually, I'm a great liar. I'm just a bad liar with you.”
“I'm OK with that too.”
“I got into Columbia.” Hotch said.
“You're going to New York, aren't you?”
“I got into Columbia, Grant.”
“This situation is not so dire that you had to use my first name.” Anderson was trying to keep the smile on his face. He felt like one of those precious angel ornaments dropped on the floor by a careless child. Once shattered, there was no way in hell of ever gluing the pieces back together. He squeezed Hotch’s hand. “At least I hope not.”
“It’s Columbia University.” Hotch’s voice sounded so far away even in his own ears. Was it possible to express how much he loved Anderson but also how he couldn’t give up this opportunity? Even if it was, would Anderson give a shit?
“It’s Ivy League…the big time. Columbia is rarely a safety school.”
“I just wasn’t sure how to tell you.”
“Blurting it out is always good.” Anderson said.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Aaron.” His voice cracked and Anderson wanted to smack himself.
That was his first instinct. His second was to get up and just run as fast as he could. His third was to forget he ever met Aaron Hotchner. None of those things were real options at the moment. This was happening; this was real.
“I know everyone frowns on the long distance thing, especially when going away to college, but I think we can do it. I'm not going to New York to sleep around. I'm going for my education.”
“You're going to be meet new people. I know there are a million kickass people in New York who want to be friends with you.”
“They're not like you.” Hotch shook his head. “They're not you.”
“Well it’s going to be tough for me to beat the thirsty ass gay boys away but…I will seriously consider it.”
“Cute.” Hotch smiled and brought out his dimples. “I've measured the distance and its four hours by car; three hours on the train. They have a train and it stops in Baltimore, Philly, and Hoboken, NJ.”
“What the hell is in Hoboken, NJ?” Anderson asked.
“I have no idea. So do you think we can do it?”
“I think we don’t have to plan everything to a T right now.” Anderson went back to his fries. His appetite was nil but he was going to stuff this food down his throat if it was the last thing he did. “We have time to work it out.”
“Are you mad at me?” Hotch asked.
“For getting into your top school, no way. I felt a bit low when Towson rejected me but I actually think that American might be a better fit. Spencer is going to stay in town to be closer to his mom so we’ll be roommates, at least freshman year. I've heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder sex is really awesome.”
“I've heard the same.”
“When?” Anderson asked.
“Um…like ten seconds ago.” Hotch smiled.
“They say you learn something new every day. I'm so happy for you, Aaron. I know that you wanted this. We talked about it when we first met. Now it’s yours.”
Hotch smiled. He looked down at his food but was sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to eat another bite. It might be weird to just sit there and not eat, especially since Anderson was stuffing his face, but he couldn’t do it. He pushed it away and sipped his iced tea.
000
Anderson pulled up in front of the Watergate East building and put on his blinkers. It was Saturday, he should be spending more time with his boyfriend, but right now he needed space. He needed a million miles, which was how far away New York felt.
“I'm good.” He nodded.
“OK.”
They both knew Anderson was lying but Hotch wasn’t going to call him on it. He’d just sprung the news on him, would give him time to let it get through his system. If he pushed, Hotch was sure Anderson would push back harder. They didn’t need to fight over it. That wouldn’t make anything better.
“C'mere, give me a kiss.” Anderson put his hands on Hotch’s face. “I love you.”
“Love you too. Can I call you later?”
“Yeah.”
“OK.”
There was nothing left to say so after another kiss, Hotch got out of the car. Anderson watched him go inside of the building. For a while he just sat there, not giving a shit about the people having to go around him on a busy street. He put his hands on his chest, as if he could push all the fragmented pieces back together and be whole again. A noise came from his body and Anderson was powerless to stop it.
Suddenly his forehead was on the steering wheel; he was bawling his eyes out. He wanted to stop. He wanted to stop so badly but knew he had to let it go. When his cell phone rang, it scared the hell out of him. Anderson sniffled and wiped his face; tried to get himself together.
“Yeah.”
“Hey, hey, you wanna do movie night at Penelope’s tonight?” Elle sounded cheerful. “We’re gonna get some Arbor Mist. She hasn’t decided if she wants to watch something really good or really bad. We’ll probably meet up there at like eight.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Are you OK? You sound like hell, babe…are you coming down with something?”
“Aaron’s going to Columbia.” Anderson was crying again.
“Aww, goddammit.”
“And I'm crying in my fuckin car like I'm Meg Ryan or something. I CANNOT BE MEG RYAN RIGHT NOW!”
“If there's any time to be Meg Ryan, and I'm not sure that there is, it'd probably be now.” Elle said. “Did he break up with you?”
“No. He’s adamant about staying together and loving me and all that stuff. I mean not adamant like it’s not going to happen but adamant like it is. It’s totally not going to work out. That’s total bullshit. He's going to break my heart, isn’t he?”
“As awesome as I am, I'm really the last person on earth to give love advice. But here goes…Aaron Hotchner loves you. Hold onto him until your fingers go numb. Let the rest be the rest.”
“That’s all you got?” Anderson asked. He was wiping his face again.
“Who I do look like, Dear Abby?” Elle asked. “I know it seems like the worse thing ever but I've known you for a while and you're the rational kind. You and Aaron are going to make it. Maybe not forever ever but for now. You’ve been doing this on your own terms since the start.”
“He was my dream guy, Elle. Maybe it’s time for me to wake up.”
“If you give this up cuz you're scared or some bullshit, I will kill you. Come out tonight. Come out and have some fun and don’t let this ruin everything.”
“I already said I would.” Anderson said.
“You could stand to have a little more enthusiasm about it. That’s all I'm saying.”
“I'm hanging up on you now.”
“Seriously, are you going to be OK?” Elle asked.
“I’ll contemplate walking into traffic for a few minutes, go home and listen to Alison Moyet and possibly cry some more, and then get over myself.”
“That doesn’t even begin to answer my question.”
“I’ll see you later, Elle.”
“Bye.”
Taking a few deep breaths, Anderson got himself together. He couldn’t sit there all day crying and wasting gas. That wasn’t going to stop Hotch from going away in August. Elle was right in a way. It wasn’t as if Hotch broke up with him.
He wanted to do the long distance thing. He wanted to go to his dream school and have the guy he loved. This wasn’t about leaving Anderson, this was about finding something else. Anderson would never try to stop him from doing that.
That had probably been the whole point of not getting so deep in the first place. Except that deep was exactly where they both were. Two blocks away from the Watergate, Anderson pulled over again. He took his phone from the console and opened his address book.
“Hey.” Hotch answered.
“Do you want to hang out at Penelope’s tonight? She’s doing movie night with Arbor Mist.”
“That sounds like fun.”
“You can come and pick me up.” Anderson said.
“What time should I be there?”
“Seven thirty is good. It’s the weekend, Aaron, we’re supposed to be together.”
“Yeah we are…I wanna be.”
“OK, see you at seven thirty.”
Anderson felt some of the tension leave his shoulders as his made his way home. The black cloud was still there but he didn’t know when that would go away. There was a lot to work out in his mind and figure out what was next. Hotch wasn’t leaving tomorrow though so Anderson didn’t plan to waste any time they might still have together.
***