Work Text:
You admired Bucky as he sat in a corner writing in a notebook. It had become a bad habit now, to notice everything the super soldier did. You moved closer to Steve to ask him about the content of the notebooks and you couldn't help but feel a bit sad after he explained how Bucky would write everything he could remember. You imagined the awful collection of stories Bucky must have written on those pages. You left the tower still thinking about those notebooks, especially how it must be torture to read those memories. You stopped at a small store that was on the way to your apartment and bought some stationary. Pen in hand, you sat on your kitchen table and wrote “TO BUCKY” on the first blank piece of paper. Maybe it was time to give the ex-assassin something better to read.
Dearest Bucky,
I hope that it doesn't bother you that Steve told me why you keep so many notebooks. I understand the obsession with revisiting the past, especially when it was stolen, but I am afraid of the things that you may be telling yourself there so I will begin this little project with this:
YOU ARE A GOOD MAN, BUCKY.
I believe that we are not our actions, but our thoughts. You made have done horrible things before Steve found you, and you may these actions define you, let me assure you they do not. There is not one evil thought in you, Bucky. These are things that you did, not who you are, and more importantly, not who you will be. I have faith in you, my metal arm comrade. Even if sometimes I'm the only one (well, Steve will always have faith in you too, but saying I was the only one felt more dramatic)
You signed your name and decorated the letter with Captain America stickers.
You wrote him a letter every day after work, even if there wasn't anything too important or interesting to report. Most of the times your letters consisted of funny anecdotes about the team, the shows you watched, what you imagined the 40’s were like, especially the old school horror movies you loved to watch and asked Bucky if he remembers seeing the movies when they first came out.
You moron!
Yes, I am extremely furious at you, James Buchanan Barnes! When Captain America commands you stay with the group, you obey the freaking command and stay with the group!
I guess I am overreacting. You did save that kid after all. I just don't want anything to happen to you.
I care about you.
We are friends...We could be best friends if you accepted my invitations to come watch Doctor Who. I know that you're a huge nerd, so don't act like you wouldn't love the show. If I find out that you have been secretly watching it without me...Well, I can't think of a punishment bad enough right now, but I assure you it will something big and horrible!
You signed your name and drew a TARDIS on the page.
You found yourself in the middle of a Supernatural marathon when you wrote the next letter.
Dear Bucky,
Here I am watching one of the best shows on TV, another one that you refuse to watch with me, what's with you and my shows? I have excellent taste! Fine, maybe it was a mistake to ask you to watch Real Housewives with me, but but but guilty pleasure! Don't judge me!
You should dress up as Castiel for Halloween! I could be Dean and Steve can be Sam. You already have the blue eyes, dark hair and can't understand most pop culture references. Do you own a trenchcoat? Remind me to buy a trenchcoat.
Then again, Castiel has been tortured, killed, brainwashed into hurting his best friend, used as a vessel to bring monsters into the world, has lost his memories, and some other horrible things. Maybe he is not the best character for you to watch.
In his defense, he thought he was saving the world so don't be too harsh on my angel.
Let's just skip Supernatural for now and watch Doctor Who. You will say yes to me, Barnes! I already got you to sit through the eight Harry Potter movies. I don't understand why you pretend you don't love to spend time with me. I'm a joy to be around.
You signed your name and decorated the page with angel wings and symbols from Supernatural.
You were almost out of pages, meaning it was time to start thinking about how to deliver them. The letters were intended to be friendly, just you talking about random things to make him laugh, but after the third letter asking him to spend time with you, you started to realize that it was you who craved his company. After attending one of Tony's parties and spending the whole evening with Bucky, you were sure that your feelings towards him were more than just friendly. You decided to let him know through the letters.
Bucky,
I still can't believe that you laughed at that Captain America sex joke. I didn't even want to tell it! I understand why Tony loves it, but I never thought you would consider it funny. Fun fact, that was how Tony and I became friends, he heard me tell the joke to some other SHIELD agents and he asked me if I knew more Avengers jokes. We bonded over a Google search. I know you are not too fond of Tony, but he's pretty awesome once you get to know him better.
The only reason why I'm talking about Tony is that he thinks I got a crush on you.
And I'm beginning to think that he's right. I can't get the sound of your laugh out of my head and every time I think about it. It makes me immensely happy that I can make you laugh. I love seeing you happy. Would you be happy if we were together? Could I make you happy?
I just woke up from dreaming that you love me. We were in bed and you kissed the top of my head. I’m hopeful that one day it would be true. I’m dying to tell you each and every day that I love you. Why am I doing this to myself? More importantly, why am I waiting to tell you all this? How could he tell before I did? I'm thinking way too much about what Tony said.
P.S. You asked me today why I'm mad at Tony and I said because he's a jerk. Would you like to know why I said that? He knows! He absolutely knows how I feel about you so he's teasing me about it! I now see why you don’t like Tony that much. The bastard kept saying that he would be more than happy to finance the wedding. Can you believe that? He thinks I got a good chance. He even started planning the wedding! I’m not saying I hated all the ideas, but I simply refuse to walk down the aisle to the wedding march. I would like something a little less traditional. Stupid Tony! Now I’m picturing it! I don’t even have the groom. I’m going to throw something heavy at him tomorrow. Do you think Steve would lend me his shield?
You signed your name and for the first time, you didn't decorate the page.
You didn't write for two weeks. The next entry was just six words:
I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU.
The feeling became evident after a date. You have met him through a friend and on paper he was everything you have ever wanted; he was tall, green eyed, and dirty blonde. How many times had you asked the universe to send you Dean Winchester? And here you were with his tie-wearing doppelganger! He turned the charm and all you do was politely smile and nod your head without really listening to his words. You threw yourself on your couch when you arrived home. You sighed. You had just told the perfect guy you weren't interested.
Bucky,
I had a date today. I don't know why I'm telling you this. The empty bottle of wine on the floor is probably to blame. He was nice, and cordial and gorgeous... And I felt nothing for him.
The thing is, he is not who I want. I tried to not to compare him to you. I wanted to give him a fighting chance because I don't know if I should let myself continue to be in love with you. But neither he nor anyone will be able to erase these feelings from my heart. I won’t be dissuaded from not loving you, not by you nor logic. I refuse to listen to reason. This idea of us won’t leave my mind, not even when it’s too painful to sustain.
Do you even want to be with someone? I know we haven't discussed it and I don't want to bring it up out of fear of you saying no or saying yes but with someone else.
You know what? I love you enough that even if you said you wanted to be with someone else, although it would break my heart, I would support you fully. I just want you to be happy, even if that means seeing you with someone else.
Stupid alcohol begs me to tell you how much I wish you were mine. I would do anything for you. Ask me to stop watching my favorite shows. Ask me to stop reading my favorite books. Ask me to quit listening to my favorite music. I don’t join them as I use to. How can I read love stories without picturing us? To tell you the truth, I wasn’t expecting this. I tried to fight it, but it is stronger than me.
I know I said I could see you with someone else, but to be honest, it would make me envious.
I would resent the hands that got to touch you.
I would resent the lips that had the privilege to touch yours.
I would resent the skin you kissed.
You would worship the fortunate girl while I let the love I have for you turn me into a bitter shell of myself because I wouldn't be able to fight for you if that meant causing you distress. I would have to seal away any plead my heart would have to confess my ardent desire for you.
I just hope you pick someone who deserves you because you are amazing! You deserve someone who sees all the great things you have to offer, comforts you when you need it and loves the painful memories away. I don’t have a clue on where you are, probably far away from here, yet, I keep imagining you knock on my door.
You fell asleep on the couch and without finishing the letter.
Bucky and Steve had been away on a mission for a month. You were currently at the zoo with Clint and Natasha since they were tired of you sulking around the tower. The penguins splashed around in front of you while you divided your attention between writing Bucky's letter and them. This was the last page of the stationary. You had brought the box with all the letters to the zoo.
You noticed Natasha reading over your shoulder.
You smiled at her, "I need a huge favor."
The redhead raised an eyebrow, "Let me guess, you want me to give the box to Bucky?"
"You're so smart, Nat. And, beautiful. Did I mention that you're my favorite person ever?" you replied.
"Just finish the letter and I'll make sure Bucky gets them," she said before walking away to let you finish writing.
Dear Bucky,
I haven’t seen you in a month. I haven’t been able to breathe for a month. Would it be a cliché to say that I feel like a zombie? You wouldn’t recognize if you saw me now. I feel as my soul is gone. I have no desire to do anything. I miss you. I implore you don’t take these kinds of missions again.
However, I had a wonderful day today hanging out with Clint and Nat. The weather is perfect and the zoo is amazing! I wish you were here.
This is my last letter and Natasha has promised to deliver these words to you. I hope the last couple of pages weren't as difficult to read as they were to write. Actually, that's a lie. I didn't have any trouble writing any of the letters. Putting how much I love you into words was the easy part; you are an excellent source of inspiration, Bucky!
Would it be wrong of me to actually let you read these words? I'm telling you right now that I have decided not to run away from these feelings. If you decide that you would like to give us a chance, but you can't right now, then I will wait for you.
Maybe it was a mistake to have let myself fall so deeply in love with you. But this fear of rejection will not stop me! I will not let the impossibility ruin me.
I have decided that I’m probably being selfish, Bucky. Nevertheless, I need you to know how I feel about you and I will deal with the consequences whatever they may be.
I Love you.
Bucky knocked on your door on your day off. You opened the door to the super soldier outside your door, holding the box you had given to Natasha before leaving the zoo.
"I didn't know you were back," you said.
"We came back yesterday," he said not looking at you. "Doll, I can't keep these. I'm sorry."
You didn't know what to say so you took the box from him, "not even the funny ones?" you tried to smile.
He shook his head, "I'm sorry. I just don't feel the same."
You took a deep breath, "that's fine, Bucky. I meant it when I said I would still be your friend."
He nodded and you closed your door without inviting him in. He stood outside your door for a few seconds before walking away. He arrived at the tower and went straight to his room. He opened the box he had hid in his closet containing the copy of all your letters. He sat on his bed and reread the letter where you confessed you loved him. Bucky knew he wasn't enough for you. It broke his heart to do, but he loved you enough to let you go. He knew you were probably hurt right now, but he was sure you will find someone who deserved you and that you will love that someone. Bucky was sure that day will break his heart all over again. At least he will always have the letters.