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There was a time when he needed to change, when he really needed a change, that he was able to choose what kind of man he was going to be beforehand. But that was the exception. That was when he needed a new face, a new name, a new everything so he could push all of the guilt and worry that was to come onto someone else. That was when he didn’t want to be the Doctor anymore.
Now it's only luck and coincidence. The same as it’d always been
He adopted things from the friends he has. He takes little quirks or mannerisms: wiser, humane, a little more fun, younger looking, Scottish, happier, sadder, lost, found. They were his influences: the last thing he thought of before he changed himself again. It was all change, and hope that it will be for better. The hope he’d he’d have better ears or eyebrows or finally be ginger. Really it was just the hope that he would be a better man.
The Doctor gave in, eventually. His former self had told him to do so. There was nothing wrong with change, he had said. And who was he to argue with himself? Both bodies wearing thinner, energy itching to take over, he stumbled back to his Tardis.
Change, he thought, thinking of last words said again for the first time since their last.
Change, he thought, picturing friends smiling and laughing and leaving and dying.
Change, he thought, hugging Bill tight, mourning for her too strongly when she was here with him.
Change, he thought, picturing string curls, a sonic screwdriver and a ghost smiling with spread arms.
Change, he said, in another body, in another time, in the same time and in the same body.
Change, and not a moment too soon….
The Doctor blinked and tried to bite down on the scream threatening to escape. It was painful, put off out of stubbornness and now the energy was ripping through, creating and destroying everything. The Doctor felt the attack eyebrows thin and mourned their loss in a hazy back corner of their mind.
The Doctor was burning. This felt worse than last time, worse than usual; but pain always feels stronger in reality than in a memory. There was fire in the veins, licking up the arms and squeezing tight, holding the Doctor frozen still, rendering them unable to do anything else but scream through the pain; wincing internally as Scottish brogue turned higher and sweeter until the pain started to tail off.
Then the Doctor blinked and tried to step forward on frail legs, at which point their fell down and hit the Tardis floor.
The Doctor woke up when the buzzing in her head started getting louder and louder until she was practically forced to wake up.
“Ugh, steady old girl, I’m awake! Just took a wee turn like Bambi there. Oh, Bambi! Wait, no, we’ve done this before! Yes? No? Ah right it was the Lion King, sorry. Wonder if I’m like him. I feel younger and ugh, oh, not brown hair. Not sticky-uppy either. Oh long hair? I’m a girl? No? No I made that mistake before. No, wait. Oh, I am! Well Missy would have a field day. How’s the tongue? Ah, ah, oh, oh, eh, aaah. Jaw’s working at least. Do you think I’m a babbler this time or if it’s just the excitement? Well big day after all and why am I on the floor? Oh right, Bambi. Not the first time I’ve been knocked unconscious after all, during all of this. Sorry for hitting you dear but I do wager it was your fault too. Oh am I am betting man this time? Always bet on black, so I’ve been told. Can’t imagine why. Best casino this side of the galaxy dies surprisingly good hot chocolate. Chocolate does sound nice about now. Is that a me thing now?
So many questions, my dear. Am I a musician? Shall I find the recorder again or burn that awful guitar? Start a diary again? Get a job? No, no job. Too boring and I just did that. What’s new what’s new, what’s new?! Oh new clothes for a start but later. Questions first. Shall I find Jamie? Jack? No, Bill? Ah that’s the right name! Oh, hello Bill, there you are. Nice of you to pop by. Shall I stick the kettle on or are you just off? No, I’m the one just off!
Planets, yes planets! I want to explore, test drive this body for a bit. I really hope this is a residual energy expulsion because i am taking an awful lot. Oh celery! No celery, too weird. Not doing celery again. Funny look that. What was I thinking? Do you think I’ll be funny this time? That’d be a laugh. Or serious like eyebrows was, grrr.
I want a scarf. No, I don’t. I want lunch. I want answers. I want adventures. So what do you say old girl, you and me again, eh? Let’s go be fantastic! Oh, nice word. Right well then I’ll be off. Goodbye, Bill, enjoy your own travels! To the future, my girl!”
The Doctor finished her ramble, stopped dancing and out her hand on the lever she needed. She grinned to herself before she pulled down on it. She was off again, the same as always. She is the Doctor, that mad impossible man who stole a box and ran away, and here she was now, some two thousand years later, still running away with the same old familiar twinkle in her eye.