Work Text:
The first night after taking over Britannia, Lelouch led Suzaku to a secluded room, put both hands on his knight’s shoulders, and, hesitating only slightly, leaned forward to press his lips against Suzaku’s.
It took the Japanese five seconds to realize that yes, he was being kissed, and yes, the one kissing him was Lelouch. The fact that Suzaku automatically found himself kissing back didn’t escape his attention either.
Taking a step back, Suzaku tried and failed to glare at his former enemy. “What the hell are you doing?”
Something resembling hurt flickered through Lelouch’s face before his features were schooled back to normal. “I thought we were doing this properly?”
Suzaku stared at him in confusion. “Doing what?”
Lelouch shifted his weight, and Suzaku got the distinct impression that he was getting uncomfortable with this conversation. He raised his arms, motioning in Suzaku’s direction. “Well, this. Everything.”
The Japanese gave him a flat stare. Lelouch sighed in exasperation. “The knighthood thing. You know.”
Suzaku didn’t. Or at least he didn’t understand what his newly acquired knighthood had to do with Lelouch kissing him in some dark room. “I don’t know.”
Lelouch paused, staring at him for a long moment. Eventually, he turned his head, avoiding eye contact. “Oh, I see. I understand.”
Suzaku was really getting annoyed because he didn’t understand. “Can you finally explain to me what the hell is going on?”
Lelouch turned his gaze back to him, squinting his eyes and looking at Suzaku with suspicion. “I don’t know whether you’re being serious or not.”
“No, I’m not,” Suzaku said flatly. “This whole situation is ridiculous, so either you start making sense or I’m leaving.”
Something changed in Lelouch’s posture and for the first time he looked at Suzaku with uncertainty. “You and Euphie… you didn’t?”
The mere mention of that name brought a wave of anger to Suzaku’s heart but he quelled it down in favor of glaring at Lelouch. “We didn’t what?”
“…kissed.”
Suzaku felt his cheeks heating up, but he wasn’t sure whether that was out of anger or embarrassment. Embarrassment because the statement was true, and anger because it would never again be true.
If looks could kill, Lelouch would be already dead. “That’s none of your business.”
Lelouch brought a finger to his lips, adopting a thoughtful expression.
“So you did,” he said, completely ignoring Suzaku’s murderous glare. “And… perhaps more?”
Before Suzaku had a chance to lash out, Lelouch raised his hand, stopping Suzaku in his tracks.
“You don’t have to answer, I think I already know,” he gave Suzaku a knowing look and this time the embarrassment won- Suzaku had to avert his gaze not to look into those violet eyes (So similar to hers--). “What about my father?”
The question took Suzaku by surprise and he looked up in shock. Lelouch’s expression didn’t change, but there was something, something in his eyes, Suzaku didn’t know exactly what, that made him gulp. “What about your father?”
Lelouch gave him an ‘Are you stupid?’ look before rolling his eyes. “Well, did you kiss, Suzaku? That’s not a hard question.” The way he said ‘kiss’ clearly implied more.
Suzaku opened his mouth and closed it. Talking about his relationship with Euphemia was one thing, but The Emperor… That was something he hoped he’d never have to mention again. He was glad his face was already red, because at least his reaction wasn’t instantly obvious.
Or at least he thought so. Lelouch’s face told him that he already knew everything.
“I see,” he said calmly, again with that blank face. “Is that why you don’t want me?”
Suzaku stared at him dumbfounded, feeling like after all these uncomfortable questions they were back to square one.
“Lelouch, I still don’t see what me kissing,” he said the word sarcastically, “your sister and father has anything to do with you. Just because Euphy and I had something—“ something that you destroyed. “And because your father had—“ he didn’t even know what. “It doesn’t have anything to do with us.”
Lelouch blinked at him owlishly, giving Suzaku a look of utter amazement and disbelief. “You really don’t know?”
By that point, Suzaku was too tired to even snap at him. “I don’t think I want to know.”
Lelouch shook his head, coming to sit on a sofa. “You never cease to amaze me, Suzaku Kururugi. I can get Euphy, but have you never stopped to wonder why would Charles zi Britannia—“ he paused, searching for the right word, and Suzaku felt the sudden urge to roll his eyes. “Sleep with one of his knights?”
“Because he was bored?” Suzaku said flatly. “Because he was the damn Emperor of The Holy Britannian Empire and no one could actually refuse him?”
“Or maybe because it was expected of a royal to have… that sort of a relationship with their knight?” Lelouch asked calmly.
It took a full minute for Suzaku’s brain to finally catch on to what Lelouch was saying.
“Wait,” he said, bringing a hand to his forehead to stop the oncoming headache. “Are you saying… are you saying that all royals have sex with their knights?”
Lelouch winced and Suzaku almost laughed at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. Lelouch was the one to bring the subject up and now he was wincing at the mere mention of sex?
“As far as I know,” he shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant . “It’s sort of an unofficial tradition. Why do you think tabloids are always talking about this or that princess sneaking around with their knight?”
“Because they’re tabloids,” Suzaku answered defensively. “They’re always looking for sensation.”
The Britannian shrugged again, averting his gaze from Suzaku.”Sometimes they get things right.”
Suzaku stood still for a moment, his mind whirling. If that was true… then it made a lot of sense. People always spoke about Cornelia and Guilford , but he always assumed they were just gossiping. Come to think of it, he didn’t remember any princess with a female knight. Was that why? Were they looking for knights with the intention of fucking them in the future? Maybe that also explained why most princes didn’t have knights. Were women too soft in their opinion to fit the role so they just skipped the part entirely? Except for The Emperor, obviously.
That revelation also brought another question. If it was traditional for royals to sleep with their knights, was that the only reason why Euphie had… God. He was such an idiot. Of course that was the only reason. Why else would she sleep with an Eleven? It was so obvious now.
“Right. Of course,” he said numbly, staring at the carpet.
Lelouch frowned, not understanding the sudden change in the atmosphere, before the realization dawned and his violet eyes widened.
“Look, I didn’t mean— I mean, I’m sure Euphie had— It wasn’t just— “ It was a rare occasion that Lelouch was at a loss for words. Suzaku would have laughed, had he not been so depressed.
“Right. And you know that how, exactly?” He stated coldly.
Lelouch pursed his lips, staring at Suzaku with determination. “I know my sister. She’d never do something like that simply out of obligation, or at least not without telling you so beforehand. And it’s not like it’s mandatory, if she didn’t want to, she could just skip the part entirely and no one would know.”
“Well, it just proves that she was a much better person than you, doesn’t it?” The words left Suzaku’s lips before he had a chance to think them through. Then again, they weren’t untrue, and some part of him rejoiced at the look of hurt on Lelouch’s face.
That look was gone as soon as it appeared, replaced by a stony mask.
“I suppose so,” Lelouch said coldly, twisting his hands in his laps. “As well as more naïve.”
“Don’t you dare—“ Suzaku hissed, taking a menacing step forward. “Don’t you dare talk about her.”
Lelouch shrugged, twirling one of his black locks between his fingers. “I was just pointing things out.”
“I’m sure you were,” Suzaku’s voice dropped with venom.
The new emperor spared him one glance before getting up from the sofa and heading for the door. “Well, I suppose our conversation is over, so—“
The turning of the lock cut the rest of his response off.
Suzaku casually leaned against the door, twirling the key between his fingers. “You were going somewhere?”
Lelouch set his jaw, glaring at the Japanese. “Move.”
“Okay,” Suzaku moved away from the door, the key still in his hands.
Lelouch didn’t look amused. “I’m serious, Suzaku. Open the door.”
“Is that an order?”
“Yes.”
Suzaku shrugged. “I’ll listen to your orders in public and as long as they suit our common goals.”
Lelouch bared his teeth, and Suazku had a feeling that the Britannian would be throwing himself at him if he ever stood a chance. Or maybe he just didn’t want to appear undignified or something.
“Great,” Lelouch said sarcastically, crossing his arms. “So is there anything else you want to talk about with me? Or is there another purpose to locking me up in here?”
“Well, it’s you who brought me here,” Suzaku pointed out in what he thought was a reasonable voice.
Lelouch scowled. “So?”
“Isn’t there something that you wanted to discuss with me?”
Suzaku could practically see the wheels in his head turning. He wasn’t sure what he expected Lelouch’s reaction to be, but anger probably wasn’t it.
The Britannian boy gritted his teeth, practically spitting out the next words. “Stop that. You’re not even being funny.”
“I wasn’t trying to be,” Suzaku moved from his spot by the door and towards his emperor. Lelouch took a step backwards. “Come on, Lelouch. Let’s get this over with.”
Suddenly, Lelouch threw his head back and laughed harshly, stopping Suzaku in his tracks. The next look he bestowed Suzaku with was a mixture of amusement, anger, and betrayal.
“Of course,” he chuckled darkly, putting his hands on his hips. “Because that would be such a chore for you, wouldn’t it?”
“Don’t give me that,” Suzaku growled, taking a menacing step forward. Lelouch didn’t budge. “It was you who went on and on about how it was expected of royals and knights to fuck. Now when I’m finally willing to oblige you’re chickening out?”
Suzaku wasn’t sure what exactly he was trying to achieve. Humiliate Lelouch? Burn every last bridge that stood between them? Get him to respond?
Whatever he was expecting, though, it wasn’t the resigned look on Lelouch’s face. His violet eyes suddenly became completely dull while his entire posture slackened. It made Suzaku uneasy. He wasn’t used to seeing Lelouch so… lifeless.
“I suppose you’re right,” he said, raising his hand to untie the cravat of his new suit. “I am the Emperor and you are my Knight. That’s how it’s supposed to be.”
Suzaku watched blankly as Lelouch discarded his white coat, the one he got as a replacement for his school uniform in wait for his new emperor’s robes. Only when his hands undone the buttons on the shirt underneath and exposed pale flesh did Suzaku actually start and stutter, “W-wait!”
Lelouch paused, glancing at Suzaku with questioning gaze. The Japanese gulped. “S-stop.”
The stare that the other boy sent him was so heavy that Suzaku had to actually turn his gaze. Long silence stretched between them before Lelouch finally spoke, “Suzaku…”
Suzaku raised his hand in stopping gesture and opened his mouth but words failed him. He didn’t know what he was doing. He knew he was behaving contrary, but he just didn’t…
Lelouch was acting wrong. He thought he could get him angry and vent his frustrations at him later, but he just… Lelouch just looked tired and resigned and Suzaku didn’t know how to deal with that. It was wrong.
Coming with an idea, Suzaku extended the key towards the Britanniana and said, “Here.”
Lelouch stared at the object blankly for a few moments before taking it and heading for the door. Irrationaly, Suzaku registered that his new fancy white coat still laid discarded on the floor, while the buttons of his shirt were half-undone. Lelouch didn’s seem to care. The guards would, Suzaku thought.
The Emperor didn’t say anything when he was opening the door, and Suzaku couldn’t stand the silence anymore. “Why did you do that?”
Lelouch paused but didn’t turn around. Suzaku continued. “You said it wasn’t obligatory. That no one would be the wiser. Then why did you…” he trailed off.
“Maybe I just wanted to,” Lelouch said dispassionately with his gaze still on the door. “I am The Emperor of The Holy Britannian Empire and you are my Knight of Zero. I have the right.”
“Or maybe you’re just lying like you always do.”
Lelouch turned on his hill and Suzaku saw a sardonic smile gracing his former friend’s lips. His head tilted, and Suzaku found himself relieved to once again see some kind of emotion on his face.
“Perhaps,” he said, twisting his hands behind his back. “What other reason could I have, though?”
The newly minted Knight of Zero opened his mouth to respond only to close them again. There was only one other reason Lelouch could have, but Suzaku wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it. He probably shouldn’t have pressed the issue, too. He should have accepted that it was only about sex, because the Lelouch he wanted to hate so much would have said so.
So why didn’t he leave it at that?
When Suzaku didn’t respond, Lelouch did it for him.
“Do I fancy you, Suzaku Kururugi? Is that what you wanted to know?” Silence answered him, so Lelouch continued. “You kissed me back, you know.”
That snapped Suzaku back out of his stupor. “W-wha—“
“That was kind of a test. I wanted to know how you’d react. Were you unresponsive, I’d stop. Were you disgusted, I’d stop. But you did neither of these things. Your first reaction was to kiss me back, the anger came later,” he paused, bringing a finger to his mouth. “I think I understand.”
And the anger came back. “You understand what?”
Lelouch sighed. “I never wanted to force you to anything, Suzaku. I’m not my father. Maybe I thought…” he trailed off, focusing his gaze on the floor.
Suzaku felt a lump in his throat. “Thought what?”
Lelouch threw up his arms and Suzaku got the feeling that for the first time he felt truly lost. “I don’t even know, Suzaku. Maybe I thought you’d welcome that as an opportunity to get back at me. Maybe I thought you wanted a stress relief. Maybe I thought I’d remind you of Euphie. Maybe I thought you wanted me.”
Words failed Suzaku and he could only stare agape at his first and best friend.
“I…” Lelouch didn’t seem to know how to continue. “When I said I understand… Well, call me arrogant, but I think that on certain level you do want me. Or, maybe not me me, but the Lelouch you knew before… everything happened. You don’t want the person I’ve become.”
“You presume a lot.”
Lelouch shrugged. “Perhaps. Am I wrong?”
Suzaku was silent for a long moment. “And what about you? During the whole conversation you’ve skillfully avoided talking about your feelings.”
The Britannian gave him a rueful smile. “Do you want me to say that I love you?”
“I don’t know, Lelouch,” Suzaku snapped, finally fed up with all the questions and zero answers. “I want you to tell me something. All the reasons you listed before were about me. What I wanted. Did you ever want to do it? Or would you be forcing yourself? Was that another attempt on manipulation on your part?”
The words had a bigger impact on Lelouch than Suzaku originally thought they would. His eyes widened, while his lips parted in a silent ‘O’. That made Suzaku feel slightly guilty before he remembered all the other lies Lelouch had told and he felt his reaction was justified. That shattered with Lelouch’s next words.
“Manipulate?” Lelouch echoed, grasping one of his hands with the other. “I wasn’t trying to manipulate you, Suzaku.”
“No?” Suzaku’s voice sounded bitter in the quiet room. “Then what was it about?”
“I…” Lelouch faltred again and Suzaku thought that that would be the end. Then the Britannian seemed to gather himself and, taking a deep breath, he crossed the distance separating him and Suzaku.
“I know things can never be the same as before,” he said quietly, holding Suazku’s gaze. “But if we are to work together, we need to make it work.”
“And yet you still avoid answering the question,” Suzaku said drily.
Lelouch laughed, but it was neither joyful nor dark. It sounded more like he was laughing through tears, but his eyes remained dry.
“Fine, Suzaku,” he said finally, crossing his arms over his chest. Like he was bracing himself for what was to come. “I used this ‘ritual’ as an excuse. I’ve decided that if you did want it, for whatever reason, be it anger, sentiment, or desire, I’d go along with it. A peace offering if you might.”
“So I was right,” Suzaku said bitterly. “It was only about me. You never wanted it.”
Lelouch shook his head and Suzaku felt something in him die. Then Lelouch said, “I already have your cooperation. What I want now is your trust. Faking my feelings would be a poor way to achieve that, don’t you think?”
Then, before Suzaku had a chance to say anything, Lelouch leaned forward and pressed his lips against Suzaku’s. Instead of kissing him like before, though, he waited for the Japanese to actually let him in, to decide whether he wanted to push him away or not.
Suzaku didn’t. He wasn’t sure why- maybe it was in fact one of the reasons Lelouch gave him earlier, maybe it was something more- but pushing him away now seemed wrong. Or maybe Suzaku just felt good.
Later, when they laid together breathing heavily, Suzaku realized that Lelouch never really answered his question. Then again, neither did Suzaku.