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His ears rang. If he was thinking straight he would've moved from where he sat, surrounded by shattered glass and broken memories; but he couldn't. Taemin's loud roars of pain and sadness became suffocating the small apartment. He pulled himself into a ball from where he sat cross legged as the words 'just give up' and 'he's not mine' flew round this insides of his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, almost as if he was trying to shut out the real world to enter his own mind, he hoped and prayed that this wasn't real. He didn't want it to be real. He opened his eyes again to let the tears fall again, his eyes trailing to the window which let in the only light in his dark apartment despite the clouded sky outside which blocked any sun.
The rain tapped lightly against his window. He watched the droplets find their way down to the bottom. He ached so much; his heart and his mind couldn't quite figure out what was going on and what to do next but he knew that what happened was real, and there was no going back. His wails of pain soon became whimpers and hiccups. Silence ran through the apartment, lonely wasn't a strong enough word to describe how he was feeling.
It was only when a strike of thunder echoed through was when Taemin was woken up from his daze, his unclear mindset which sent him on a spiral of emotions. His head flicked up as the noise rang, it being the first noise he heard for some time which wasn't him. He unfolded himself from his scrunched ball and stood up, stepping forward and not caring one bit about the broken glass from frames which glistened the floor. As the glass crunched under his shoes he headed towards what used to be the most sacred place to him; his bedroom.
He stepped inside; the floor changing from the cold wood to the softer carpet. The room normally filled him with comfort and warmth, happiness. Entering the room this time filled him with anger, regret and an aching pain of loneliness. He continued to step foreword, his eyes trailing at the no longer sanctuary of a room. He noticed the broken mirror which hanged loosely on the wall, the many ornaments and papers which had been pushed off his desk which laid scattered on the floor, the unmade bed with ripped pillows and feathers lying randomly round.
He sat down on the edge of his bed, his head hanging down and his eyes spotting a feather. Taemin picked it up; this thumb running lightly over the ends being the softest thing he had touched since what happened.
"Your are not here anymore", Taemin's voice broke as he spoke a few words with his ripped throat. "I feel like I'm chasing after images that will not disappear".
He collapsed backwards onto his bed as the feather flowed out of his hand. His head hit the mattress lightly, his arms flailing to the sides and soon finding themselves relaxing into the covers around him. He was emotionally drained yet he couldn't help himself from repeating what just happened in his head.
It could've only been less than an hour ago he was standing only a metre away from what caused him this pain. His eyes locked into the others chocolate brown orbs which couldn't look back at him; eyes he came to love but now all he can see inside of them is regret. His eyes trailed down to the others hands; he watched the long fingers fiddle between themselves. Taemin knew that he was right.
"Jongin why can't you look at me", Taemin stepped foreword as Jongin stepped back, keeping the distance the same between them.
He got no reply back.
"Talk to me please", He begged as his eyes became glassy, his heart becoming broken. His eyes watched as he saw the other tremble, his shoulders sagging and his head dropping.
"I can't do this anymore", Five words Taemin thought he would never hear echoed through the apartment. He watched as Jongin turned away from him and towards the door.
"Is it because you love Kyungsoo?"
Jongin turned around, eyes wide. Taemin looked down, heart broken.
"Just say so and I'll give up", Taemin spoke lowly, his voice cracking in heartbreak. "I can't keep trying if I know you love someone else".
Taemin looked up and their eyes finally met, his tear filled eyes meeting Jongin's own.
"I'm sorry Taemin", Jongin's whisper becoming too loud for the room, confirming to Taemin that his Jongin was no longer his.
They stared at each other for a moment until Taemin felt as if he was no longer strong enough to pretend as if it didn't hurt him. His head dropped. He heard the light footsteps heading in his direction and soon his eyes were met with a pair of scuffed shoes. Taemin eyes which were filled with tears soon changed to be filled with anger once he felt Jongin's hand on his shoulder.
"No," He almost growled. "You don't understand, you don't get to comfort me."
His eyes beamed up and shot straight to Jongin, he focused on the features he used to love but now all he feels towards that face of his is hate. Taemin found himself grabbing the others hand and removing it from his shoulder, dropping it heavily so it swung back to his side.
"I don't know what you want me to do Taemin", Jongin spoke as he stepped backwards. "All we ever did was argue and when it comes to the ending we both knew was coming I'm the bad guy?"
Both became filled with anger, Taemin looking at Jongin with disgust and Jongin wanting to leave before anything more could happen.
"I wasn't the one who fell in love with someone else Jongin, I wasn't the one who came home late because I was with some other guy, I wasn't the one who never showed any love, I wasn't the one who fucking cheated" Taemin's voice rose as he stepped towards Jongin. He pointed at him in the chest as he spoke, "You was the one who left me alone every night, you was the one who left me to sit in restaurants alone because you 'forgot' we were meant to meet, you was the one who broke my heart."
Jongin looked down at Taemin, "your acting innocent, as if you didn't flirt with other guys in front me. You saw me hurt and you didn't do shit about it so many times. I never cheated on you either, you just don't believe me."
"Maybe because you never showed me you cared, you never showed me love and I wanted you to do something for fucking once! You just sat there and watched!", Taemin pushed him back, not meaning to really hurt him but instead he went backwards into the mirror, shattering it.
"What has happened to you Taemin! You've gone insane!", Jongin's voice laced with anger rang though the apartment as he pushed Taemin back, him falling back to sit on the bed.
"You drove me insane Jongin", Taemin barked back, watching Jongin turn towards the desk from where he sat hurt "You made me miserable for four fucking years."
"Then why did you stay?" Jongin groaned with anger as his head snapped back to face the other, banging his fist against the wooden table.
"Because I thought you loved me", Taemin stood up and faced Jong in who had turned his back towards him and placed both his hands on the desk.
"Well you thought wrong, didn't you" Jongin spoke in a low tone. "Neither of us loved each other and we fucking know it."
Taemin knew he didn't mean anything he said, he knew that if he had the chance he would take it back himself and hold Jongin tighter than he ever did before. But he couldn't. He lost his chance. He rolled himself so his head rested on Jongin's side of the bed, or what used to be Jongin's side. He found himself burrowing his head into the pillow, reminding himself of Jongin's smell; Vanilla. Taemin loved how everything Jongin's owned or wore smelt of it, cause of that stupid shower gel and shampoo he used Taemin always thought. He didn't want to be surrounded by him anymore, but he didn't want to leave it because if he did he was scared it would never come back. Taemin laid for a few moments, then finally stood up and found himself heading to another room.
The light blinded him almost, a contrast from being in darkness to this bright hurt his eyes but he didn't mind. He found himself looking in the mirror, looking at himself in disgust. His Brown eyes were bloodshot from crying, his cheeks stained red from crying, his hair messed from god knows what. He didn't like the sight.
"It seems like yesterday's still, when you were by my side" Taemin said as if he was talking to his reflection. His head dropped, he hated this feeling.
The smell of Vanilla filled the whole bathroom, which Taemin never complained about. He stood leaning on the sink, brushing his teeth and listening to Jongin singing in the shower.
"How long are you going to be in there for Nini", He giggled out. "You've been in there forever."
"What? Do you miss me?", Jongin half sung, poking his head out from the side of the curtain and making Taemin laugh more.
"I want to shower too dummy", Taemin spoke then quickly spat out the toothpaste, then pointing his tooth brush at his boyfriend. "So unless you want me in there with you-"
"I am not against that", Jongin interrupted, shooting a smirk at the other.
"If you say so," Taemin smirked back, only loosing eye contact as he slowly took off his shirt. He felt eyes on him when he was undressing, and he didn't mind one bit. Within seconds he was undressed and stepping into the shower.
"I forget how lucky I am sometimes", Jongin smiled lightly as Taemin stood in front of him. He stepped closer, pulling his boyfriend closer to him by his waist. Jongin kissed him lightly as the water hit them both just as lightly.
"I don't need anything, other than you", Taemin spoke to himself in the mirror, remembering the bittersweet words in the memory which played in his mind. He was alone again, the bathroom smelt nothing like his Jongin.
He banged his fists against the sink surface, he would've regretted it once the pain registered into his mind but he knew he deserved it, he knew that from what pain he cause a bruise on his hand wasn't even half of what he deserved. Once again he left the room and headed to another, not really sure what he was doing.
He walked through the room again, passed the broken mirror and the cleared desk. His feet trailed him to the kitchen, Taemin knew he should've started cleaning the mess he made once it ended but he kept finding himself postponing it, as if he cleared it away he took away all he had left of Jongin, apart from the memories. He stood in front of the counter, looking around at how his home and just become an apartment, not a place where he wanted to be.
"What's the sour face for?", Jongin cooed into Taemins's ear as he enveloped his arms round the other boys waist, soon after kissing him lightly on his neck.
"I'm just tired", Taemin leaned into his boyfriends hold, smiling small to himself. He felt the soft yet big hands trail to round his hips, turning him round slowly to face the direction and leaning him against the surface.
"I can put a movie on, we can cuddle on the sofa", Jongin suggested through kisses down Taemin's jaw and onto his neck.
"Only if it's a good movie", Taemin nodded slightly. "Not one of your silly ones Nini".
Jongin leaned up from his neck, looking at Taemin and smiling lightly, "Okay, but only this time."
"Okay, let's stop talking", Taemin spoke a whisper as he linked his arms over Jongin's shoulders, bringing himself closer to his soulmate until finally their lips touch. A place that has felt like home since they became one. A pair of lips Taemin had become used to, lips that became familiar and peaceful. Taemin liked how plump they were; more space to kiss he always said to his Nini.
Jongin was happy enough to 'stop talking', he kissed back lightly as he pulled the other closer to himself by the hips and lacing his arms round him. He held him close, like he was afraid he was going to loose him. And he didn't want to ever do that.
"I love you Taemin", Jongin broke the kiss to whisp the those words the both of them took for granted.
"I love you too Jongin", He replied.
He felt himself be lifted up, Jongin's hands grabbing the behinds of his thighs lifting him to round his waist. Taemin found himself wrapping his legs around the boy, his arms round his neck again. He kissed his nose; just a little peck before he buried his head in the crook of his neck. The gentle thuds on the floor and the slight bounce as they walked told Taemin they were walking somewhere.
"Anything you want to watch?" Jongin in spoke as he placed him on the sofa, handing Taemin a blanket which they always kept near by.
"I don't mind, pick anything." Taemin wrapped himself in the blanket and smiled to him.
Within seconds Jongin was by his side, the TV playing a random movie which Taemin who he wouldn't be paying attention to. He leant on the others side, Jongin wrapping his arm around Taemin in return. He thought to himself how he felt warm inside and out, his hand linked with Jongin and he smiled.
"I miss your smile", He once again spoke to himself. The room felt dark; it felt cold. He missed the presence by his side, the arms which enveloped round his waist and the eye which smiled on their own. He thought that without Jongin's presence he was a bit lost, without Jongin's warmth around him he was cold. Inside and out. In the dark room he looked back down to his hands once again, this time he noticed the cuts he guessed he got from the glass, and the bruises that were forming on his knuckles. God he hated himself right now, he couldn't stop thinking that maybe this was all his fault.
The thunder echoed through his apartment again, lighting the room for a small second then sending it back to darkness. His eyes had adjusted to this darkness, but his heart hadn't. Maybe he was thinking too deep into the situation but he couldn't help but think it felt darker than usual because his Jongin wasn't around. He held his hands together and left the kitchen, walking through the hallway which connected all the room together.
"Taemin I told you I can't do this anymore", Jongin's anger showed in his voice, his sadness showed in his eyes as they became glassy. "I can't live like this anymore."
Taemin followed behind as Jongin stormed through the hallway towards the apartment door.
"Leave then", Taemin stopped walking, watching Jongin power on and grab his coat from the stand.
"Oh, I am." Jongin snapped his head round once both his arms were through the jacket holes.
"Good."
Jongin's hand reach for the door, and Taemin thought 'Is he really going to do this?'. Then his hand met the metal, turning it and opening the door. Their eyes met one last time, It was as if both were looking for a sign of hope but neither got what they were searching for. Neither found any sign which told Jongin to stay, or Taemin to make him stay. The door shut and with that, Jongin was gone.
It was as if his life was flashing in front of his eyes, but it was his own. It was theirs. He was left standing looking at the closed door again, standing parallel to it. Maybe he was waiting for Jongin to come through the door and say he forgave him for all the shit he had done. Maybe he was waiting for the pain to go away.
"In those days, I was pretending not to notice your tears." Taemin sunk to his knees, a thud following his words. "I thought I could make you love me again, I never treated you well."
His hand brought itself to his eyes, wiping away the tears that were falling again. "I fucked it all up Jongin, I really did."
The tears continued to fall. Dripping and falling down his cheeks, running down his jaw. He nose was running and Taemin knew he was a mess, he knew he looked like a mess too. He didn't care though, he didn't care about much at this current time except from the fact he didn't have Jongin anymore.
"I'm Trying", Taemin's raw throat croaked out, the back of his hand meeting the bottom of his nose to wipe it. "I'm Trying, To forget you".
He stayed there, kneeling towards the door. The apartment stayed dark, he did not bother to move to turn the lights on. He did not bother to do anything but watch the door handle, waiting for it to twist and show him it was all just a mistake. The lights stayed off because this house was no longer are home, but a battle ground, the frames that held precious memories became daggers which laid scattered on the floor. Pillows and duvets which Jongin and Taemin used to share together were ripped with anger. A mirror which Taemin used to look through to see Jongin behind him, smashed with anger from an argument which both knew was coming.
The door handle stayed still, and so did Taemin.