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“I don’t know,” you said giving it a moment’s thought. “Love is a pretty big word.”
“Yeah, sure.” Bucky coughed back. He suppressed the urge to yell it at the top of his lungs. It would just hurt if he did. He hated both having the need to say it and never being able too.
“I just don’t know if that is the word I would use.”
“Why not? I said it, why can’t you?” Bucky asked and crossed his arms across his chest.
“Because ‘love’ is word you use when you are serious about something,” you said while waving your hands around.
“I am serious about it. And I’ll say it again, a thousand times,” he said and paused for a while. “Aren’t you serious?”
“Not serious enough to use the L-word,” you said and paced around. “If I say it, then I wouldn’t mean it. I always thought that when I said it, I would mean it. You understand, right Buck?”
“No not really. What is there not to love?”
“People are different Bucky!” you yelled at him. “Just because you do, doesn’t mean I have to.”
“What’s going on here?” Sam asked walking in. He must have heard your yells and come to check it out. You were normally a calm person, you never yelled at anyone. Certinaly not Bucky, who thought of himself as your best friend.
“(Y/N) won’t say the L-word,” Bucky answered him. Sam shot a brow and smiled amused at you.
“The big L-word, huh?”
“I can’t say it, because then it would be fake. Sam you get it, right?”
“I don’t know. I mean, personally, I kinda love it too.” He smirked and walked away, chuckling to himself.
“You too?!” You asked clearly surprised by his statement. You threw your hands up and groaned. “I’m just not ready for that.”
“When will you be ready?” Bucky asked and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I don’t know. Just give me time.”
“We don’t have time (Y/N)! The movie is on tomorrow.” Sam’s voice echoed in the halls.
“I don’t want to see it,” you said and groaned again. “I hate those movies.”
“How can you hate transformers?” Bucky asked. The same question that started the entire argument. “What is there not to love?”
“Ok, Mark Wahlberg is hot I’ll admit that but, otherwise,” you said and thought it over. “Nothing.”
“Cars transforming into robots. Autobots! (Y/N)!”
“I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Because,” you said and let out a deep sigh. “I don’t. like. Transformers. Besides, I’m busy tomorrow.”
“Say it. Say you love it,” Bucky said teasingly. “I know you do. Just admit it already.”
“I hate you.”
“You love them,” he sang. God, he was so annoying at times. How the two of you could be friends, you didn’t always understand. Ever since Steve had finally convinced him to go out more, live his life, he was always pestering you about going to the movies. He loved it. Somehow, it took him back to the 40s when he would bring a new gal every weekend and see whatever movie was playing. Sometimes he would bring Steve, or his siblings to enjoy the motion pictures.
When Steve was busy, he would ask Sam. Believe it or not. When Sam was busy, he would ask you. Even if you were knees deep in work of whatever kind, you just couldn’t say no to him. Not when he came walking with those damn puppy-eyes and a little pout.
Bucky was adorable at the movies though. It made it worth your while seeing him: wide eyes and mouth agape, muttering something to himself from what happened on screen. He was amazed of how far technology had come, how they could bring dinosaurs and mythological creatures alive.
It didn’t matter what movie was playing. It could be drama, action, thriller, romance or sci fi, Bucky would watch it all. He would always come running, all excited and bubbly to show you a new trailer. Either to the movie you were seeing that weekend, or a sequel to something you had already seen.
He was always quoting movies, whenever appropriate. (And not). He loved screaming out a random line, really just to annoy Sam. He took quizzes and trivias about movies, always spitting out facts. Behind the scenes, about the actors, the locations, you name it and Bucky would know.
Mostely, you went along with it. Even if you didn’t care much for the movie, you went with him. But this time was different. The newest Transformers movie was screening Saturday, and Bucky was dying to go see it. Problem was: you never really understood or liked those movies. And you had another really important arrangement to attend. You were not going to suffer in the movie theater for two and a half hours, you looked it up, watching some movie you didn’t like.
But Bucky being Bucky, offered to shower you with little favors in order that you went with him. Whenever you needed something, he had already fixed it. He was trying so hard, what choice did you have? You went with him, watched the move just to shut him up but, it didn’t work.
He thought it was so good, he wanted to see it a second time. And of course, he wanted you to come along again. He saw your reaction after the movie, and used it against you. A very sweaty, shirtless Mark Wahlberg was your highlight of the movie. There had been a few funny moments and comments where you had laughed, Bucky caught every single one of them. There had been some touching, sad moments where your eyes watered. Bucky caught those too.
Really, he wanted to go see it again because the first time, he was too busy watching you. He didn’t catch the movie, because he was totally fixated on you. He reveled in every smile and giggle. He loved the way your eyes sparkled. How the light from the screen was the only thing illuminating your face. He wanted, so desperately, to hold your hand then but, he had never told you how he felt. Instead, he dragged you along to every movie he could find, just to spend some time with you. Just to be close to you. He did not care what movie it was, as long as he got to see you smile or laugh it was good enough.
He wanted to see it again so he could see you smile, hear you laugh. Last time, there had been this guy, seated a few rows away from you, who laughed so loud at a scene. His laugh filled the theater and you had laughed so hard because of it. Not the scene but, the guys laugh. It was the weirdest, funniest laugh you had ever heard. Bucky loved every second of it. How you held on to him, trying to muffle your laughs. How you hid your face in his shoulder. How your entire body shook from laughing, tears escaping your perfect eyes. He wanted that again. He wanted to see you laugh like that again. He just, he could never tell you that. It was almost as good as the first time he heard you laugh.
Sweaty, tired, limps aching and arms heavy, Bucky made his way from the gym. The only thing he wanted was to crash on his bed and try to sleep the rest of the day away. He didn’t want to do anything. Not go outside, spend time with the others, his so called ‘teammates’, and he certainly did not want to talk to anyone.
He was struggling. A part of him didn’t want to admit that. Admit failure, defeat. He didn’t want others to think he was weak. He didn’t want to depend on anyone. Then again, another part of him did. He knew that if he said the word, people would line up to help him.
Most days were dark. He wanted to be left alone. Not having to socialize. But he didn’t want to be… alone. No one would understand, even if he tried to explain it. That is, if he could find the words. No one could see it the way he saw it. Feel what he felt. There was no hope left in the world for him. And he couldn’t do anything but, accept it.
Halfway to his destination, no clear expression on his face, his eyes trained at the floor and feet carrying him as fast as possible, he was in his own world. That’s when he heard it. A sound so sweet, it must have been sent from heaven above. A sound so pure, it had to be angelic. A sound so real, it awoke something deep inside him. Something he hadn’t felt for years.
Turning towards the sound, he was surprised by the sight that met him. There you were, in all your glory. Laughing along with Sam, clutching the sides of your stomach, bending over in laughter. Bucky found himself laughing along with you, even if he didn’t know what was so funny.
He didn’t want to interrupt you. Fear that it would bring an end to your laugh. He just watched for a while. Mapping all the details of your face. Your laugh, which was like music to his ears. Your smile, the smile that brought back pieces of who he used to be. The real him. You brought back, if only the smallest, weakest, glimmer of hope. Bucky could feel himself falling in love with you, with every giggle and every smile.
He knew how much trouble he was causing, the fights he was responsible for. He never wanted to be the reason for your tears. He never wanted to make you angry or feel hurt. Yet, he did just that.
He wanted you to himself. He wanted you to be his, no one else’s. He wanted you to spend all your time with him. It cut him deep whenever you tried to say no, knowing that it was because him. How he didn’t want the two of you spending time together. How he didn’t want you to spend so much time with Bucky.
“Let’s just watch it one more time, please?”
“No Buck,” you said and cast your eyes to the ground. He hated seeing you like this. “I’m spending the weekend with Pietro. We haven’t gotten a lot of time together lately.”
“Oh come on. When did watching a movie ever hurt anyone?”
“How about every time?” You raised your voice. Bucky’s eyes went wide, he never expected you to lash out like that. “Every single time we go to the movie, I feel… horrible. Because I know how much it’s hurting Pietro. I don’t want to hurt the one I love.”
Anger started to flow through his veins. Did Pietro put this idea in your head? Was he trying to put you up against him? Turn you on him? He hated him for doing that to you. To the both of you. Ruining a perfect friendship like that.
“We can still go to the movies, just not so often. I have to spend some time with my boyfriend too.”
The word stung in his chest. It was bittersweet on his tongue, burned his ears. He was the one who wanted to spend every waken moment with you. Not Pietro. Bucky hated his name. Whenever it was brought up, he squirmed in his seat, his insides twisting, tears threating to spill. Where was he anyways? Bucky never saw him around, he never saw you together. He silently thanked the maker for the last one.
“Why are you with him anyways?”
“Because I love him.”
Bucky’s body seemed to shut down at your words. Words you once said echoing in his mind. ‘Love is word you use when you are serious about something’. He didn’t want to achnolege the words that just left your mouth. He was afraid that if he did, they would become real. Nothing would hurt more, than hearing those words from you, intended for someone else.
“He’s not good enough for you…” Bucky muttered mostly to himself. He wanted to be the recipient of those words. He wanted you to whisper those very words to him on a Monday morning, your bodies tangled together underneath the sheets. He desired to hear those words from you before leaving to work, and coming home from it. He would never stop repeating them. Never leaving room for doubt, never letting you go before those words were said.
“I love him; he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.” Your words cut him like a knife. Deep, deep into his soul.
“He can’t ever love you like I would,” Bucky said, finally finding the courage to tell you what had been on his chest for so long. “I love you, more than anyone ever could. Every fiber in my body aches for you (Y/N). Please tell me you love me too-“
“I love Pietro,” you said loudly. “That’s why I’m marrying him.”
“What?” Bucky whispered inaudible, his voice abandoning him. Surely he heard wrong, you couldn’t actually have said that.
“I’m marrying him,” you repeated yourself and showed Bucky the ring on your finger. How had he not noticed that before?
“Wh-when did that happen?” Bucky cleared his voice, willing the tears from falling.
“Two weeks ago.”
The air was kicked out of his lounges. He couldn’t breathe. Two weeks. You had been engaged for two weeks without him noticing.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I tried to Buck,” you said and sighed. “You interrupted me every time with your movies, and trailers. You seemed so happy… I-I didn’t want to burst your bubble.”
“You should have told me.”
“I know. Now I have.”
“I can’t… I can’t believe this.” He ran his fingers through his hair. He couldn’t breathe properly. His chest felt heavier than ever, his lungs turning inside out. Scraping with them every last bit of air.
“Can’t you just be happy for me?”
How was it that a simple question, just like that, could hurt so much? Cut so deep? The blood seemed to freeze in his veins, his anger crumbling into grief. The woman he loved, who he had loved for so long, didn’t feel the same way. The same woman who’s laugh brought the real Bucky back to the surface. Made him whole again just by her presence.
“You didn’t answer my question,” he said, instantly regretting it. Deep down, he knew what you would say. But, no matter what your answer was, it would hurt to much. If you said yes, you’d continue by saying that you couldn’t be together. You’d bring him into it, and Bucky didn’t know if he could handle that. If you said no, then months and months of pining and admiring you would be a waste. Loosing you, would be his absolute worst nightmare. Not having you there by his side, not talking to you, it would crush him completely.
“What question?”
“Do you. Love. Me too?”
“Bucky…”
He closed his eyes shut by the sound of his name. So many times he had dreamt of hearing his name coming from your lips. Both as a plea and a curse. He loved the way you said it. Like no other ever could, or had.
“Hi…”
“Bucky! Hi.”
The wide smile on your face could be heard in your voice. Reflected, like on the surface of water. You seemed generally excited to see him, that he talked to you. It was smittening. He wanted to say something else to you. Anything, something. But he didn’t seem to find the words.
“How are you?” You asked so sweetly, he thought he would have a sugar shock. There was no way that you were actually interested in hearing about his day. How he was. What he felt. Not like he could talk about that with you anyways. Or anyone.
“Good,” he said short, internally cursing himself for not saying something else. Something better. He was sure you’d turn on your heel and leave him alone in the room. But you didn’t. You were still there, beautiful as ever. Smiling at him, like no one had ever done. Not a small, polite, fake smile, no. A real smile.
“How-how are y-you?” He mentally punched himself in the face for stammering in front of you.
“I’m good,” you said and smiled even wider. “Way better now that you are here.”
Bucky thought he could pass out. Collapse right there on the spot. His cheeks felt burning hot under your gaze. He wanted to smile back at you, say something else but, he couldn’t. His mind was running a million miles per hour trying to make some sense of what you said. Were you flirting with him? Or just being nice?
“I have to go now but, it was really nice talking to you Bucko,” you said and started walking away from him. He wanted to reach out, grab you and stop you. Crash his lips to yours, hoist you up on the nearest surface and- He shook his head, he couldn’t be thinking of you in that way. Not when you were standing right in front of him.
“We should do it again sometime.”
He nodded. It was the only response he could offer you, as you disappeared out of sight. He didn’t know where you were going, or what you were doing. He thought it was odd how fast you left. You seemed to keen on talking to him, it didn’t make any sense.
Thinking no more of it, Bucky pushed it to the back of his mind. The sound your nickname for him was the only thing he could hear. A smile stretched from ear to ear.
“Just tell me. All those little moments, all the smiles and comments, did they mean nothing to you?”
“Of course they did. I never lied to you,” you said and paused. Bucky’s heartbeat quickened by the sudden silence. “I just thought you knew.”
“Knew?… knew what (Y/N)?”
“About me and Pietro. How I was always going off to somewhere else.”
“That’s where you went? To Pie-…” He could not even say his name. It hurt to much. All of it hurt.
“I do love you Bucko. I do, believe me, I do.”
His head shot up at this. Did you really say what he thought you said? After so long, did you really say the words that he had waited for?
“I just don’t think, it’s the same way as you do…”
“Don’t…” Bucky pleaded. He didn’t want to hear the end of it. He knew that if he did, he would break. Whatever walls he had built would come crumbling down around him. You would break him. He couldn’t let that happen. Not in front of you. Not now.
“I love you I do, god I do,” your voice broke as you spoke. Tears rushing down your cheeks. Bucky could not look at you. He would start crying as well if he did. “Just not in that way.”
“Don’t say that,” he said. He heard it himself how desperate he sounded. But he couldn’t care less. He was desperate. You had to know how much he loved you. “You don’t mean it. You can’t.”
“I love you Bucko.” You paused to wipe away the tears that had spilled. “As a friend.” Bucky shook his head, the tears breaking through. “No, no, no listen,” you said and rushed to his side. He clanged to you, his head buried in your shoulder, letting it all out.
“I-I… I don’t know what to say Bucky.”
“I can’t lose you,” he said, his voice muffled by your shoulder.
“You won’t. We can still be friends.” You tried your best to soothe him, to calm him down. His body was trembling from crying, his tears staining your shirt.
“I don’t want to be your friend.”
“Bucky,” you sighed. “I can’t be more to you, I’m sorry. I am getting married to an amazing man, a man I love. I don’t want to lose him, or you!”
“I don’t care what he is, he will never love you like I can. I don’t understand how you can be with him, when I clearly is the best for you! He will NEVER love you like I can!” Bucky distanced himself from you. He had had enough. You had to understand how you were his everything. How much he needed you.
“Stop! You don’t know what you are talking about.”
“No? I have dreamt of you for so damn long (Y/N)! I know everything about you, he doesn’t! I can make all your dreams come true, I can give you everything he can’t. You want to get married? Marry me.”
“You don’t know a thing about me,” you said quietly.
“Marry me,” he repeated again. He wasn’t going to let this down so easy. This was his one chance, he would rather die than not know your answer. He could picture your life together. The kids you would have. Two girls, just like their mother, and a boy. Two dogs, a house with a white picket fence. On a calm street, where the kids could learn to ride their bikes.
“I’m marrying Pietro, because I love him,” you said and tried to keep your voice strong. “I had no idea you felt this way. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you remember all the times we had together? Everything we shared. All the times we had so much fun at the movies. Don’t you remember any of it?”
“Of course I remember it. I remember all of it. But I also remember all the times I got home to a devastated fiancé, because we didn’t get to spend any time together. Just the two of us. The way you feel about me, is exactly the way I feel about Pietro.”
“You don’t understand what you have done for me,” he said and started to cry again. There was no stopping the floodgates now. “You made me feel whole again. Just your smile and laugh made me happy again. I want everything with you. I want to go to sleep with you at night. Wake up with you to the morning sun.” He sniffled and rubbed his eyes. They were sore, red and puffy from crying so hard.
“I don’t want you to hide your heart away because of this,” you said pleadingly. “You will find all that, with someone else.”
“I don’t want someone else! I want you (Y/N)!”
“I’m so sorry,” you said and covered your mouth. You tried your best to muffle your cries but, it was no use. You ran out of the room, leaving Bucky alone with his own tears.
“I’m so sorry,” you said and laughed. Your arm was laced with Bucky’s as you walked out of the movie theatre. “I didn’t think it was going to be so… stupid!”
The movie he brought you to, was supposed to be a horror movie, scary and full of blood and death. Instead, you both ended up laughing at most of it. You were just as confused at the end of the movie, as you had been before it started.
“I didn’t mean to laugh so loud in there,” you said and chuckled at the memory of what just happened. “The scene was just so ridiculous.”
“I know,” Bucky said and laughed. He loved hearing you giggle and joke around. Your warm hand on his sleeve was the only thing he could think about. How perfectly it would fit with his, if he only had the nerve to hold it.
“Did you see when that guy’s head fell of?” You laughed loudly. Bucky loved it when you did. When you showed your real laugh. “It was so bad!”
“I know,” he said and brought you closer to himself. He could feel the heat coming off your body, how his skin tingled just from being close to you.
“You ok? You seem quiet.”
“Hmm? Oh, no I’m fine.” You quirked a brow at him. Nothing went by unnoticed with you.
“I’m fine I promise,” he said and looked down at you. You looked so perfect tucked to his side. “I just, I love spending time with you.”
“Aww, Bucko,” you said and playfully punched his side. “I love spending time with you too.”
“Really?”
“Yes, of course. You are kinda fun to be around,” you said and smiled up at him. God, how he wanted to kiss you in that moment. Claim you as his, in front of everyone on the street.
“Thanks,” he muttered, forcing himself to look away from you. He had to stop himself from doing something stupid. “Same time next weekend?”
“Eh,” you said hesitatingly. “I don’t know. I really should spend some time with-“
“Come on! They are showing Star Wars next!” He decided to ignore the slight hesitation in your voice. “You know how much of a space nerd I am.”
“I do,” you said and giggled. “Damn it I can’t say no to you.”
“So you’ll go with me?”
“Yes,” you said and bit your lip. “I’ll go with you.”
“Hurray!”
He hid in his room for several days after. Afraid that he would run into you, not knowing what he would say or do if he did. Steve came by every day, trying to get him up and out. He never left the room. He couldn’t face all the sympathetic looks.
“Can’t we do something else than watch a movie for once?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know… go for a walk?”
“That’s a lame suggestion (Y/N).” Bucky laughed slightly at you. You whipped around to face him, a smirk on your lips.
“’Lame’? Tell me grandpa, when did you get so hip?”
“’Hip’?” Bucky was confused by your choice of words. “I’ve always been ‘hip’, as you kids call it.”
You laughed so warmly at this, Bucky thought his heart would explode.
“You know, when I were young, we didn’t have close access to movie theatres.”
“Oh, when you were young?” You questioned playfully. “So what, 200 years ago?”
“100,” Bucky corrected you with a wink. “We had to walk five miles if we wanted to see a movie.”
You giggled at him, he was such a goof sometimes. He loved that he was able to make you laugh like that. That he was the reason for it.
“Uphill both ways!”
You broke out laughing even harder at this. You held on to your seat, trying to control the laugh that escaped you.
“In the snow!”
You thought you were going to pee yourself, you laughed so hard. Bucky mimicked wiping sweat away from his forehead, a wide smile was tugging on his lips.
“And we were grateful!”
“Stop… ah, stop… please,” you said in between laughs. He started to walk out of the room. You had just calmed down when he turned around and yelled back at you.
“If you don’t hurry, you’re going to make me late for bingo!”
There you go again, falling to the floor laughing. Your laugh and pleas filled the halls, and Bucky stood at the other side of the wall, smiling widely in success.
He never found someone else. He couldn’t even look at another girl. You were the only one for him. Years after, he still blamed himself for not talking to you sooner, telling you how he felt.
“Give me another,” you said and downed the shot that came your way.
“I don’t think so,” Bucky laughed at your drunken form. You decided to hit the bar one late afternoon after a mission gone wrong. You had to drown your sorrows some way.
“I love you,” you said, your words slurred from the alcohol. Bucky’s eyes went wide, before he realized just how drunk you were.
“Thank you, I lo-“ He couldn’t finish the sentence. He always thought you’d both be sober when he told you those words.
“No,” you said and put your arm around his neck. “I love you so much Bucko.”
Before he could protest or say anything else, your lips attached to his. He was shocked at first, debating whether or not to stop you. He lost control, and kissed you back. Putting everything, he had into the kiss.
“Mhm, your… place…” you said in between kisses. Whatever doubt he had before, was gone now. All control was lost as he followed you out the door and back home.
Next thing he knew, he was on top of you, kissing you all the way from your neck to your toes. He knew it was wrong, you were drunk. He really didn’t want to take advantage of you but, he couldn’t stop himself.
Your soft moans and pleas encouraged him to go on. He was just about to rid himself of his shirt, when he noticed you had stopped moving. You were sound asleep beneath him.
Sighing, he rubbed his face. Lowering himself, he kissed your forehead and started to walk out the door. He could find somewhere else to sleep that night.
“Goodnight, doll.”
He couldn’t move on from you. Even if you moved forward. Last thing he heard from you, you and Pietro were happily married with a child on the way. That was five years ago. You visited from time to time, Bucky made sure not to be home that day.
He knew he couldn’t avoid you forever but, he could certainly try. The sun never rose for Bucky. There was no tomorrow for him, no better day.
He sat on his bed, your Christmas card from last year in his hand. You had a wide smile on your face, you were laughing. Just like you used to around Bucky. Pietro had his arm lovingly around you, smiling at you and your daughter, Luna.
Bucky couldn’t help but think, that could have been him. If he only said something earlier.