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It was summer. A particularly hot one where even the trees looked defeated and broke university students like Park Jimin couldn’t sleep without a fan on. The young twenty-two years old boy had been tossing in bed for two solid hours before finally falling asleep.
The fan was too loud and barely cooled down the hot air that couldn’t be avoided even during night. The heat wave was unsupportable and the perspective of going back to his hometown in a few days and lazing around in the air conditioned house was what kept the black haired boy going through his last days of the semester.
And yet, when Jimin woke up in the middle of the night, it wasn’t because of the heat. It was an excruciating pain in his chest that made him curl up and tightly grab the fabric of his t-shirt around that area. The ache wasn’t sharp like a knife, it felt like a slow burn painfully spreading. Jimin’s mind went blank, tormented by the agony and his thoughts were a mess. His chest had an unpleasant warmth to it and breathing was difficult.
That night, Jimin couldn’t go back to sleep even long after the pain melted away.
On the next day, Jimin ditched classes to go to the hospital instead.
He and sickness were strangers and the medical scent of the waiting room felt sickening. A doctor examined him and just as he thought he’d be let off, he was ordered to conduct X-rays and blood tests.
And once again he was left in the waiting room, with his phone for only company.
That day, Jimin got admitted to the hospital for the first time.
After that, the hospital became a familiar place for him. He was transferred to one in Busan, his hometown and then a vicious circle started. A circle of getting admitted, discharged and then admitted again.
He had a surgery when the trees’ leaves were just starting to turn orange but he barely spent a week home after being discharged only to get admitted again.
Before he realized it, months had passed and his medication had increased with his decrease in appetite and consequently in weight. Jimin couldn’t really grasp what was happening. It didn’t feel like he was the young thin man with the hollow cheeks and worn out eyes looking back at him in the mirror. It was almost like it was happening to someone else and he kept looking at the degradation of his health with detached interest.
And it was with the same detached interested that he reacted when he was summoned to the hospital with his parents and the doctors had explained in a cruelly roundabout fashion that he was going to die. Jimin simply nodded while his father stayed as expressionless as he had always been and his mother sobbed loudly in her husband’s arms.
On the first snow of the year, Jimin’s blue wristband was exchanged for a white one and he was moved to a private room.
The first time Jimin met him, spring had just started. He was alone in his hospital room, glancing out of the window that doesn't open for more than fifteen centimeters, turning pages of a book he wasn't reading when the door flew open violently. It took a second for him to process what was happening and to raise his head. Before him stood a boy in a hospital pajama who looked a bit younger than him, back stuck to the door that he had closed as fast as he had opened it.
“What?”, Jimin barely articulated.
The boy wasn't even looking at him but he brought a finger to his lips whispering a ‘shhh’ to which Jimin obeyed despite his confusion. Female voices were resonating outside and from what he could hear, he understood that the young man before him had ran away from his room and nurses were looking for him.
When the voices finally got distant, the runaway patient let out a deep sigh. His eyes strayed around the room for a while before his gaze finally fell on Jimin and they properly looked at each other for the first time.
It was a strange moment that seemed to last both for a second and an eternity where their gazes never left the other and untranslatable words were sparked in Jimin's chest.
The young man was a boy. With kind doe eyes that seemed to hold the world and a cute big nose that he felt the strange urge to poke. His lips were softly parted and Jimin found himself staring at them way too much.
“You look lonely”, the boy finally said after a long moment of silence and the words resonated in Jimin's soul too loudly for words that he was hearing from a stranger he met barely a few minutes ago.
Those were words Jimin never wanted to hear.
Because for all of his life, he had been lonely. He had always been everyone's second choice; his parents', his friends' and even his one night lovers'. He was lonely to the extent where his own death didn’t seem like something he should be sad about. But he never wanted to say those words out loud; he was scared that it'd make them more real than they already were.
And yet, that stranger he met barely a few minutes ago had seen right through him and Jimin hated the feeling. He hated how real the words had sounded.
Jimin was about to say something - or that's what he wanted to believe because he couldn't say anything yet - when the boy suddenly tensed up.
“I have to go before they come back”, he simply mumbled, a cheeky smile on his lips before he went out of the room as hastily as he had entered it.
And it felt like he left a storm behind as Jimin stayed there alone with his thoughts.
The young man had convinced himself that he'd never see the boy again for some reason and yet, on the next day, he came by again. A nurse had just left his room after some ‘tests’ that were nothing but a formality to make it look like the hospital was doing something for him and not just letting him die when the door opened to reveal the boy from the previous day.
He stood at the door frame for a moment, his hands behind his back and Jimin couldn't help but furrow his eyebrows. Quite frankly, he disliked how the stranger had read him like an open book and was far from being happy over his visit.
The boy seemed aware of the animosity directed toward him and a glint of hesitation sparkled in his eyes before he finally entered the room and stood next to the bed.
Jimin didn't say a word but his gaze was speaking enough for him and yet the boy looked unfazed. He fidgeted for a second before removing his hands from behind his back to give him a bouquet of pure white flowers. That’s when Jimin noticed that on the boy’s wrists there was no bracelet.
“It's for you”, he stated, looking a bit flustered.
Jimin was getting more confused by the second.
Was he pitying him?
The boy turned around and smiled at him, revealing cute bunny teeth and in his expression there wasn't a single ounce of the pity Jimin had feared seeing. His smile was nothing but sweet and his heart clenched in his chest as he accepted the bouquet.
“My name is Jeon Jeongguk”, the boy said.
“I'm Park Jimin”, he answered by reflex.
His thoughts were a mess and he couldn't understand why the boy who had barged into his room and called him lonely would come back to give him flowers. There was no pity in his expression and Jimin knew how to tell that after spending weeks in a house where his parents and younger brother looked at him with constant pity in their gazes. Then what was it that led the boy to come see him? He took a second to smell the scent of the bouquet in his hands in a vain attempt to gain time to organize his thoughts.
Jeongguk took the silence as an invitation and he sat on the edge of the bed.
“It's baby's breath”, he said, noticing Jimin's interest in the bouquet.
The name was familiar and the black haired boy raised his head.
“Why are you giving me those flowers?”
“Just felt like it”, he answered, avoiding the older boy's gaze.
The answer was far from satisfying but Jimin simply sighed. Jeongguk looked around the room for a moment.
"It's just that the room looked empty", he added as to sound more convincing.
He looked at Jimin and smiled sweetly once again and the older boy only sank deeper in confusion.
“Ah, do you know what baby's breath means in flowers' language?”
He shook his head.
“It symbolizes everlasting love. Pureness and innocence. It also means reconnecting with lost lovers.”
Jeongguk seemed strangely peaceful as he talked about the different meanings of the tiny white flowers and Jimin's questions didn't seem to matter anymore. He liked how nice his voice sounded, how softly his brown hair fell on his eyebrows and how his lips curled on words. His cheeks flushed into a pretty shade of pink when he realized he had been talking for a while.
“I'm sorry, I got carried away”, he whispered pout on his lips and Jimin couldn't help but smile.
“It's fine, really.”
And suddenly Jimin felt dumb for over thinking. He took the younger’s hand in his and smiled at him.
“Gukkie, do you want to be friends?”
He couldn't tell if it was because of the nickname or the offer but the boy smiled so widely, Jimin's chest felt warm.
“Yes!”, he enthusiastically answered while nodding.
And somehow the pure white hospital room erupted in bright colors.
Jeongguk came back the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that too. And each time, he came with a different bouquet of flower and that same sweet flustered smile that made him more of a boy than he was.
He talked about flowers and pretty things, about sneaking out of his room at tests' time and dumb stories. But never about sickness.
It was a funny thing that they were both stuck in a hospital but never talked about anything related to it. Not once did they ask about each other's disease or treatment. It almost felt like they'll forget about the white walls, the high ceiling and medical scent if they did and maybe they did a little, while laughing about trivial matters and teasing each other.
Jimin could ignore the pain in his chest that came as a reminder of his lungs decaying and that there wasn't a thing that could be done. He could forget about how his university friends' calls were getting rarer, how his parents seemed resigned whenever they came by. And that was because of Jeongguk's soft smile and giggles.
He couldn't admit it out loud but he liked Gukkie quite a lot for it to be simple feelings of friendship. He was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. From his big eyes to his soft lips, from his messy bangs to his cheek scar, from his cute nose to the mole under his mouth. There was something about everything he did that made his heart skip a beat, that made his chest warm in a way it had never been.
But despite how easy it was to forget their situation whenever they were together, it was also easy to remember. The nurses going in and out and their white pajamas gave it all away and there were days where they both stayed silent holding hands in fear of breaking their silent agreement, the flowers on the bedside table being the only color in the cold white room.
Jimin could never tell the twenty years old boy that he loved him. Because that involved thinking about a future he couldn't have. He had been numb for months, living in a bubble of indifference but the boy had barged into his life, just like he had barged into his room that day and filled it with sunlight. Wasn’t it ironic how he loved with his whole heart for the first time when his days were counted? Wasn’t it ironic how he was feeling this alive when he was this close to death?
It almost felt like some divinity up there was mocking him and the thought was painful. He could never voice out his heart no matter how much he cherished the younger boy, no matter how much he loved him. So he kept his feelings to himself, hidden in the same chest where cancerous cells grew uncontrollably.
And then one day, Jeongguk came to Jimin's room in a wheelchair and the older boy was tempted to break the agreement as worry and fear ate him inside. He looked worn out and yet his expression was the same as usual.
It was a slap to the face, a reminder that sounded louder than any other one and for the first time, Jeongguk's smile didn't warm his chest but stabbed his heart with a dagger.
“It's nothing, Hyung”, he brushed it off with that sweet smile plastered on his soft lips and his big eyes were whispering “don’t ask”.
And as much as Jimin wanted to shake him and scream that it wasn't “nothing”, he just stared at him for long seconds before sighing and stroking his hair gently. He couldn’t bring himself to deny the boy’s wish.
“What flower is it today?”, he asked instead.
“Buckweath.”
“And what does it mean?”
“Lovers.”
Jeongguk looked at him and there was an unusual glint in his eyes that made Jimin's heart squeeze in a mix of feelings he couldn't name. And for a moment, the words ‘I love you’ were on the tip of his tongue. He wanted to let it out, to finally ease the longing in his soul and hug the boy close but the weight of the white wristband felt suddenly too heavy on his skin and he swallowed the words back where they belonged.
And yet for a split second, he could swear he saw something akin to disappointment in the boy's pretty eyes before he started talking about how hard it was to get his hands on those flowers. The boy was smiling, so Jimin simply smiled too.
And barely a week after that, Jeongguk stopped coming by.
At first Jimin thought that it was because of treatment or check-ups but a day passed, and then a second, and then a third. Jeongguk had never stayed away from his room for that long and the pretty sweet peas that he had brought during his last visit had started withering.
Maybe was he tired and couldn’t move around? Jimin wanted to convince himself that was the reason for his absence so the twenty-two years old boy decided to go see him instead of waiting.
He had never visited Jeongguk’s room before but he knew the number and after a few minutes of clumsy search, he found it. He pushed the door excited to see the surprise on Gukkie’s face only to be welcomed by an empty room.
On the bed, a pajama was neatly folded and on the top, a white wristband was shining under the sun rays. The boy’s smile completely wore off.
He silently sat on the bed trying to understand the sight before him. He took the wristband in his hands and read the name on it. It indeed belonged to Jeongguk. But what perplexed him wasn’t the bracelet but its color. It was pure white exactly like his own wristband.
It was the color of those who were bound to die.
To Jimin it didn’t make sense and he had to rub his eyes once and twice before realizing that the bracelet was white indeed, that he hadn’t dreamed it up.
He softly shook his head.
“He was probably discharged for good, that’s why his bracelet was left behind”, he mumbled out loud as if to convince himself.
The medical scent was more sickening than usual and he held into the bracelet tightly as he left the room and headed back to his own.
And for the first time since he was hospitalized, he found himself waiting impatiently for his nurse to come. And when she finally did, it felt like he had been waiting for an eternity.
“How are you doing today?”, she asked as she entered the room, her usual professional smile on her lips.
“May I ask something, Hyejin-ssi?”
Surprised by the unusual interest the boy was showing, Hyejin couldn’t help but nod.
“Go ahead.”
“What happened to the patient called Jeon Jeongguk? He was in the room 1015.”
And at the way the middle aged woman’s body tensed up, Jimin’s heart ached.
“About that, I was asked to give you this”, she said while handing him a letter.
Jimin automatically took it and for some reason, his hands were already shaking. Hyejin smiled gently an ounce of sadness in her eyes.
“You don’t seem in the state to take any tests today, I’ll just come back tomorrow.”
She promptly excused herself and despite his inability to express it, the boy was thankful to her.
He took a deep breath before opening the envelope and unfolding the paper. The writing was messy in a strangely orderly way and doodles filled the margin. The older boy’s felt a spark of affection in his chest at the realization that it was very Jeongguk like.
“Jimin Hyung,
It feels weird to write you a letter when we were together not too long ago. I never texted you before let alone doing something as old fashioned as writing a letter but I felt like I owed you this. I felt like I had to write to you.
I bet you’re really confused on what’s happening. I somehow can picture your expression right now as I’m writing this; your eyebrows furrowed and your teeth biting on your lower lip. And I’m sorry I’m making you go through something like this, I really am. It’s fine if you want to stop reading right now, you can stop and throw this letter away. I won’t hold a grudge if you decide to forget about me, you already did enough for me.
As long as I could remember, I had always been in a hospital. I was born with a weak heart and I needed constant surveillance of my state and countless examinations and check-ups. I missed school all the time and per consequent didn’t have friends. And as soon as I finished middle school, I started getting hospitalized more often and often, each hospitalization longer than the previous one and in the end, I never got the chance to wear a high school uniform.
And when I turned 19, my wristband turned white.
It wasn’t difficult to realize that I didn’t have much time left. I wasn’t that naïve or stupid.
So instead of helplessly crying, I decided to do all the things I wanted to do. I got piercings, I ran away from my room so much the nurses lost hope and went wherever I wanted, I got my driving license even though I wouldn’t need it and even though I had no future, I read so much about flowers.
But there was one last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to fall in love.
Hyung, do you remember the first words I told you when we met? I told you that you looked lonely. The truth is I was lonely too. And the other part of the truth is that what struck me first wasn’t your loneliness, it was how beautiful you were. My intention isn't to burden you with my feelings but I really need you to know how thankful I am to you.
For being my friend, thank you. For letting me fall in love for the first time, thank you. For erasing my loneliness thank you. For making me feel all kind of emotions and showing me all kind of colors, thank you.
Hyung, ever since the day we met I loved you. And I'm sure I did until I took my last breath.
And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hiding my wristband all this time; I wanted to be a happy presence to you. I’m sorry for not telling you that sweet peas meant farewell; I was scared of seeing your sad face.
I hope that I was just a tiny bit as important to you as you were to me. And more than anything, I hope that you’d keep that beautiful smile of yours until the end too.”
Jimin didn't know his body held this many tears until he started crying. His vision had been flooded with tears for a while but as soon as he finished the letter he couldn't close the floodgates that had opened.
He couldn't grasp let alone understand what was going through his mind.
It was way beyond him that Jeongguk had been all this time waiting for his death just like Jimin was. It was way beyond him that the boy he loved wasn't part of this world anymore. And it was even more beyond him that the boy had loved him too.
He was the one who was saved by Jeongguk and not the opposite. Jeongguk was the one who had made every one of his days brighter than the previous one and not the opposite. He was the one who was thankful to him and he hated the fact that he never got to tell him.
The knot in his chest was nowhere close to the physical pain he usually felt during his attacks. It was more painful, more raw, sharper. Sobs racked his body and breathing felt like inhaling burning air in his decaying lungs.
And there was something about the way every inch of his being was shaking in devastation that felt new and yet like an open old wound.
That's when he realized that not even once since that summer did he cry.
Everything had felt unreal like it didn't concern him and he hadn't shed a single tear. And maybe was it the reason why no matter how hard he rubbed his eyes tears wouldn't stop. Maybe had he been holding tears the whole time, for three long seasons?
Jimin didn’t know how many seasons he had left but he didn’t want them to turn into regrets. He wanted to live every single day he had left. He wasn’t as brave as Jeongguk but he wanted to try.
And when he finally fell in the arms of Morpheus, Jimin was holding the boy’s letter close to his heart with the promise of bringing him flowers for every day he had left.
When the next morning came, it was raining, just as if the sky was mourning too.
Jimin took a few steps his umbrella protecting him from the downpour.
He stopped for a moment to look at the sky and he couldn't help but wonder if Jeongguk was looking down at him, with that sweet smile of his he had fallen in love with.
“Until we meet again", he whispered to himself like a prayer.
And with every dying cell of his, he believed that Jeongguk could hear his voice up there.