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jessica still haunts her thoughts.
they never really forget.
how could they? how could they, after more than a decade together. how could they, after years of smiling through the pain together. how could they, after gritting their teeth and clasping hands and continuing on.
how could they?
for tiffany, though. it’s a special kind of hell.
the girls are the last to leave the dressing room. always.
tiffany’s not sure who started it. or when all of them just took it on as a tradition.
her hand shakily clasps the one next to her. one by one, the eight of them link hands.
the dressing room is quiet.
at last, sooyoung reaches for her left hand, completing the circle.
a heartbeat of silence.
tiffany sucks in a breath.
“for jessica,” she whispers.
“for jessica,” the others echo.
hyo squeezes her right hand. in reassurance? tiffany can’t tell anymore.
after a moment, they break the circle.
long after that, the words still dance around her head.
she should’ve been here.
we should’ve done this together.
somehow, they work even harder than before after jessica’s removal.
all eight have an unspoken agreement- we won’t let her efforts be in vain.
tiffany throws herself into her work. more so than ever before, in an effort to keep busy, to not have time to think.
even so, the empty space jessica used to occupy never fails to hit her right when she least expects it.
it’s always the smallest things, tiffany smiles bitterly. always the smallest things.
it’s fine when she’s performing. she’s used to this; she can block out anything and everything when she’s performing, slipping into her stage persona.
concert tours? having to take jessica’s lines? taking her ad-libs? position swaps? replacing the space she left? sure. she can block it all out, numb herself to the point that she’s not even sure if her emotions are her emotions.
it’s the moments after that hit her the hardest.
the stage feels emptier with one less person.
the stage feels emptier without jessica throwing her arms over her.
the stage feels emptier without jessica next to her, reaching over to join hands.
the stage feels emptier without jessica.
she can’t walk around during the ‘free and easy’ parts of their concerts without thinking about all the times jessica had been right next to her, swinging their clasped hands.
she can’t go into her ending position in ‘tell me your wish’ without wanting to crane her neck up to smile at someone who won’t be there.
their dance practices, too.
the times when conversation lulls and the eight are sprawled everywhere in their comfortable clothes. silence blankets the room, and tiffany wants to scream. she wants to scream but she can’t and she’s so tired of performing and everything is so much more taxing when jessica isn’t there everything seems so much harder her heart seems to be perpetually shattered and tiffany is just so completely drained .
slumped against the wall, tiffany lets her eyes wander. she catches sunny’s eye first. the latter smiles at her grimly, I know, short hair falling into her face. tiffany just shrugs, exhaling quietly, ignoring her heart aching. sunny shakes her head, looking away.
tiffany sinks into herself, mind weary and body exhausted. not two seconds pass before sooyoung gets to her feet, clapping twice.
“yah, back to practice.”
bless you, tiffany thinks, getting to her feet amidst groans and mumblings from the girls. she stretches, hearing the satisfying pop of her shoulders.
“fany-ah, that’s so unsettling.”
“tiff! that’s so gross, stop it!”
“ohmygod. stop. i know you’re doing this on purpose.”
“yah, tiff!”
she doesn’t realize she’s staring blankly at yuri until hyo grips her arm, squeezing gently.
“come on, fany. we’re going to run through the set list a couple more times.”
tiffany nods absently, eyes glassy, mind still reeling with the fading echos of jessica’s tinkling laughter.
she found solace in sooyoung and hyoyeon after jessica’s removal.
somehow, the two just- understood her. sooyoung, content to talk about anything and everything to distract her. hyoyeon, always ready for an out of the blue interjection of honesty, or to reminisce. both of them, willing to sit in silence with her turbulent thoughts. both of them providing the support she didn’t know she needed. the presence she didn’t know she needed.
they were solid, people she could lean on people she could count on they were stable and steady when the other girls couldn’t be and tiffany had never been so thankful for her members in a long, long time.
strawberry and banana, cookies and cream- jessica and tiffany have always fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.
so what happens when you separate the two pieces?
they’re both promoting their solo albums at the same time. the irony, tiffany thinks bitterly. the irony that all they ever wanted back then was to debut together as a unit, to produce an album together, to perform together-
jessica’s talent and tiffany’s hard work, jessica’s soft, high voice with tiffany’s low, powerful one, jessica’s elegance and tiffany’s raw essence, jessica’s presence right beside her on stage jessica jessica jessica jessica jessi
the stage has always been too empty without her. more so now that she’s performing on her own, and the only thing she aches for is jessica to be right beside her, eyes twinkling and smile dazzling you’ll be great, tiff.
tiffany thinks the world likes playing cruel jokes on her.
because now she finally has the chance to put her work out there- but where’s jessica? where is her other puzzle piece to match her jagged edges? where is the calm to her hype, the smirk to her grin, the high to her low?
tiffany’s always wanted to put her own work out there- but not like this. never like this, never with a gaping hole in her heart, an empty space on stage.
the voice memos are still stored away in her phone, soundbites of duets and laughter and joy. she hasn’t dared to even look at them once; memories of messing around with lyrics and melodies and harmonizations and just thinking about it is enough to make tiffany want to break down and scream this isn’t fair.
tiffany is proud of her work, obviously. that much goes without saying. but she can’t help but think how much more it could be how much better it could have been how much less lonely this entire experience could have been if only-
if only jessica had been with her, hands intertwined holding on for dear life like the end of the world was approaching.
maybe the end of her world has already come and gone. maybe she hadn’t realized it. maybe she’d ignored because what else could she do? she had work to do duties to fulfill songs to record choreo to practice shows to film and more more more always more always more to do waiting for her-
sometimes tiffany thinks about her 14 year old self. is this what she wanted?
a small voice inside says no.
yes, but never like this.
never like this.
tiffany wonders how many more ‘ never like this’s she’ll be forced to go through.
tiffany thinks and thinks and thinks and can’t seem to stop thinking and the only thing that keeps bouncing around her mind is how her solo songs always felt like something was missing and how jessica’s songs were beautiful and soft and gentle and effortless, yes, but-
she can’t help thinking that both of their solo songs were missing the other’s presence.
she wonders if she’s being overly arrogant, thinking that she could be the contrast to jessica’s characteristically gentle, effortlessly high voice. because taeyeon’s voice has always blended well with jessica’s (tiffany remembers the ugly shifting of her gut upon that realization, that realization that that is something tiffany will never be able to achieve never be able to fulfill) but what jessica’s voice lacked when it stood on its own was contrast. what tiffany’s voice lacked when it stood on its own was the effortless high notes, yes (tiffany knows her voice sounds better low, that it’s more powerful and rounded and full that way and she’s always been proud of that characteristic that made her voice stand out from the other girls but sm apparently does not give a fuck because high notes are, of course , the only way to show that its artists are actually good and capable and talented), but more importantly: the contrast. jessica and tiffany have always been two parts of a whole, and that extends to their voices, too. one without the other will always have a distinct lacking, and though they may sound great there was just so much more that they could have been- together.
it’s snowing.
it’s snowing, tiffany realizes blankly.
out of habit, she turns her head to her side, mouth already slightly parted, but-
but nothing. but no one.
tiffany lets her head drop back and wills her eyes to re-absorb the sudden wetness.
first snow. first snow; but where’s jessi?