Chapter Text
There had been a vicious debate about the best way to get to IKEA from the Tower. Some people had wanted to go by the water taxi to Brooklyn, others had argued about the potential literal truckloads of stuff they would be bringing back, and Tony didn’t understand why they wanted to go and refused to be a part of any of it.
Regardless of which route they took it was still going to take almost an hour to get there so the cars and trucks plan won out. Especially once the high temperatures outside were taken into account. Nobody wanted to haul stuff across New York with those temperatures.
“I still don’t understand why I’m here,” Steve said as the group made their way up the escalator to the second floor. “Or how this place works.”
“You’re the muscle,” Natasha said.
“This is a terrible map,” Thor said, frowning down at it.
“I thought I was the muscle,” Clint said.
“No, you need dishes,” Carolyn said. “Steve’s place is fine the way it is and he must experience this 21st century tradition. I mean, you also need furniture Clint, but let’s be honest. You aren’t going to buy any.”
“Are we getting food?” Jane asked.
“They have food here?” Steve asked.
“Is anybody an IKEA family member?” Jan asked.
“What does that even mean?” Steve asked. He looked thoroughly confused about the entire experience and they hadn’t even reached the furniture section yet.
“We’re good. The school’s got a number,” Carolyn said. “I could go for some meatballs though.”
“Why am I here?” Hank asked.
“So, I can pretend to listen to your input,” Jan said. “Obviously.”
“You said we don’t need anything when we moved in,” Hank said.
“Well, I changed my mind,” Jan said. “We have a whole mess of empty space.”
“Everyone has empty space,” Steve said. “Most of my space is empty.”
“This is going to be the best,” Darcy said. “Dear God, I wish I could post about this.”
“Well, the furniture needs to get put together later,” Clint said as the group reached the top of the escalator. “That’s an option. You could also just take pictures of Thor to post later.”
“Valid point,” Darcy said.
“Alright, everybody hang a left through the shortcut. It’s meatball time,” Carolyn said.
“Do we have to?” Natasha asked.
“I want meatballs,” Clint said.
“I want cake. Do you think they’ll have cake right now?” Jan asked.
“We should have come earlier for breakfast,” Clint said.
“Why do they have food? And why do they serve breakfast?” Steve asked.
“It’s super cheap and actually better than what you’d expect,” Clint said.
“Have you been to a Walmart or a Target yet?” Jane asked Steve.
“Oh, that’ll be easy compared to this,” Darcy said. “Anybody else hungry or is it just us?”
“I do not understand this place,” Steve said mostly to himself as everyone who wanted food collected it and paid.
“So, what’s our plan of attack?” Jan asked once they were all seated.
“I’ll keep track of all the item names and locations as we shop,” Carolyn said, brandishing a tablet. “I figured we’d just go section by section. I guess we can grab a bag now, but most of the stuff to pick up is on the first floor.”
“We have to go section by section?” Clint asked. “That’s going to take forever.”
“And we have Tony Stark’s credit card,” Natasha said.
“Cool. We can stay,” Clint said.
“Does anyone have a list of what they need?” Jan asked. “I do, but I’m sure that I’ll walk out with stuff I don’t need.”
“Constantly the IKEA problem,” Darcy said.
“And since I assume that nobody noted down the dimensions of their spaces, I have the blueprints on my tablet,” Carolyn said.
“I hadn’t even thought of that,” Jane said. “Good call.”
Once they’d finished eating they headed back to the starting point of the IKEA maze: living rooms.
“Does anyone actually need a couch?” Jane asked.
“Me,” Jan said. “So, Hank, we need to sit on all of them.”
“They have tiny rooms,” Thor said, peering at the different living room set ups.
“It’s to show you what goes together and give you inspiration,” Jane said.
“We should go to Home Goods, TJ Maxx, Pier One, and Target too,” Jan said.
“No,” Hank was quick to say. “That is not happening.”
“Are you really going to sit on every couch? And why do they have so many seating options? Isn’t this a bit much for just one manufacturer?” Steve asked.
“Ikea makes an ungodly variety of furniture,” Darcy said. “Isn’t there some sort of statistics about kids in Europe conceived on Ikea beds or mattresses or something?”
“There’s statistics about that?” Steve asked.
“We’ll only test the ones that match my décor plans,” Jan said. She shrugged. “But we have a lot of new spaces to fill so I don’t know.”
“Hey,” Clint called from down a few couches. “Do I need a couch?”
“You need all sorts of furniture,” Carolyn said. “But you are not going to buy anything.”
“Why would you say that?” Clint asked.
“Because we know you,” Natasha said.
“Thor? You okay?” Jane asked, looking over at Thor. He was peering curiously at the tags on the products.
“What are those names?” he asked.
“Uh, places I think,” Jane said. “But it’s Swedish regardless.”
“There’s some sort of system to it,” Hank said. “I don’t remember what it is, though.”
“Actually, Hank,” Jan said, getting up from the couch she was testing. “I don’t know if any of these are big enough. I was envisioning an L shaped couch for the living room space.”
“They’ve got a couple of bigger ones on the website,” Carolyn said. “What kind of material are you looking for?”
“I mean, I can make things bigger,” Hank suggested.
“Cool, not gonna happen,” Jan said without even looking at her soon-to-be husband.
“Is that a thing he offers to do frequently?” Jane asked. “Because he offered to shrink things when we were moving.”
“I have the ability, so why not use it?” Hank asked. “Nobody ever takes me up on it.”
“You know very well how many experiments there were to figure out what materials actually worked both ways. Some fabrics and materials don’t respond well,” Jan said.
“I kinda like this one,” Clint said, standing in front of a brightly colored monstrosity.
“Do you actually like that?” Steve asked. “It’s very…bright.”
“You get that and I’ll set it on fire,” Natasha said idly. She was wandering in and out of the showrooms.
Clint frowned in her direction. “I like it.”
Thor peered down at the tag, “Klippan,” he said.
“It’s a slipcover,” Jane said, looking at the tag as well. “And it’s $50 for just the slipcover.”
“Well I’ll definitely set that on fire,” Natasha said.
“So, we can stop looking at couches now, right?” Hank asked. “Nobody’s getting a couch so we can stop looking.”
“Well, let me see what’s on the website,” Jan said, moving over to Carolyn and the tablet.
Hank groaned and collapsed down into the nearest couch.
“Can we, like, move to the next section?” Darcy asked. “Because I do actually need bookshelves.”
“Bookshelves,” Hank said, rocketing up. “Jan, I’m going to go look at those.”
“Dark tone wood, doors with some glass, space for a 60 inch wall mounted TV if you wander into media centers,” Jan said.
Hank just stared at her for a few seconds. “Why do we need a media center? We already have one of those! And wait, our TV isn’t 60 inches.”
“Moving into the bedroom,” Jan said.
“Why do we need a TV in the bedroom? We’ve never had one of those before!”
“I did before I moved into your tiny rinky dink apartment,” Jan said. “And I want one again. I want to watch Project Runway in bed with a glass of wine for the drinking game I made up.”
“Wait, you have a Project Runway drinking game?” Carolyn asked.
“Come on,” Jane said, grabbing both Hank and Thor’s arms in her own.
As they headed through to the next section, they heard Jan say something about a viewing party with Carolyn and Pepper once it was back on the air. And then, “Ooh, I like that coffee table!”
“Oh God,” Hank groaned. “She’s going to buy an entire house’s worth of furniture. She literally just said when we moved that a new couch wasn’t a top priority.”
“It’ll all be fine,” Darcy said. “Let’s go look at bookshelves for me. And then when Jan’s done with couches she can check out the media centers on her own.”
“I’m coming with even though none of you like my couch,” Clint said, catching up with the other half of the group.
“This is a lot of bookshelves,” Steve said, trailing behind them. “Do they really need to sell this many different styles?”
“The answer is yes and that there’s a lot of everything here,” Jane said. “You got any preferences, Darce?”
“Black. Cheap.”
“Stark’s footing the bill,” Hank said. “Maybe think a bit more expensive.”
“Does he know that’s happening?” Steve asked. “I don’t think it’d be right to use his money if he’s not aware of it.”
“I know inflation’s happened considerably since you were born and that the minimum wage hasn’t risen to meet it, but Stark does indeed have so much money he won’t even notice this,” Darcy said. “Which is kind of terrifying to think of just in terms of comprehending how much money he has.” She shook her head. “Though, to be honest, I’ve just got pretty basic needs and wants when it comes to bookshelves.”
“Media center over there looks nice,” Clint said, gesturing to one set up in the fake living rooms.
Hank glanced over and frowned. “Actually,” he said and wandered over towards it.
“You really only want boring bookshelves?” Clint asked Darcy as Jane and Thor wandered off in one direction and Steve in another.
“Yup. I mean, I just need, like, five bookshelves.”
“I probably need bookshelves if I’m going to move my comic book collection to the new place rather than the storage unit it’s currently in.”
“You have a comic book collection?” Darcy asked, turning to look at him.
“Yeah. A lot. Not mint condition or anything. But I’ve got a variety of stuff. It’s been in storage for a few years now. Just haven’t had the space to bring it out.”
“Huh. I didn’t really have you pegged as a comic book guy,” Darcy said.
“What’d you have me pegged as?” Clint asked.
“Wrestling,” Darcy said after a moment. “Hm, more UFC style or MMA though.”
“Really?” Clint asked. “I don’t like any of those things. Crappy action movies, yes. UFC, no.”
“You like crappy action movies?” Darcy asked. “But everything’s inaccurate.”
“Hey, we make Phil watch bad World War II movies, Natasha gets cheerleading –”
“Why does she get those?”
“The gymnastics involved,” Clint said. “But movies are fun to yell at.”
Darcy did have to agree with that.
“Oh, good job honey,” Jan said from behind them. “I like this one. Will that fit the TV?”
“Measuring tape,” Carolyn said. Darcy turned to see Carolyn literally pull a measuring tape out of her giant bag.
“How much stuff do you have in there?” Jan asked.
“I’m the person that has anything you could need,” Carolyn said. “It’s how I cope with my anxiety. Especially since pregnant people aren’t supposed to take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication.”
“Well, then apparently you’re all set and ready for a diaper bag,” Jan said. “Which reminds me, do you have a theme for the baby nursery yet?”
“It’s so difficult to decide because you know infants—”
“Oh look, more bookshelves,” Clint said, pulling Darcy away and towards Jane and Thor. “What do you think of these?”
“I think I’m going with the basic, boring, standard ones.”
“Really?” Jane asked. “You don’t want anything else?”
“Nope. I do dig the corner style one though,” Darcy said. “Carolyn, can I see the blueprints for the dimensions to my room?”
Darcy headed over back towards Carolyn and Jan, leaving Clint with Jane and Thor. Thor crossed his arms across his chest and frowned at Clint. “Uh. Hi,” Clint said.
“Do you have ill intentions towards Darcy?” Thor asked.
“I – what?” Clint asked, taken aback.
“You and Darcy have been flirting,” Jane said. “Thor would like to know if you plan on asking her out.”
“Ah,” Clint said.
“Do you have ill intentions towards Darcy?” Thor repeated.
“What are you talking about?” Steve asked, coming around the corner. “Are you going to ask Darcy out?”
“What are you – I don’t – that’s—”
“Jane, can we make Thor help put the furniture together?” Darcy called.
“Could you say his name any louder?” Jane muttered as she headed over. “It’s not like it’s a common name or anything. And it’s not like he looks like that.”
“Oh, just calm down,” Darcy said. “There are plenty of dudes unironically named Thor.”
Jane just stared at Darcy with half of a glare.
“Fine, whatever. I’ll stop saying his name. Anyways, can we?”
“I don’t think that’s a particularly good idea. There’s already going to be enough complaining because of putting all the furniture together,” Jane said.
“An even better reason to get your boyfriend involved,” Darcy said. She frowned thoughtfully and looked over at him. “He might break the particle board though. Maybe he doesn’t get to do any hammering as ironic as that is?”
Passing through the “work” section went by painlessly as nobody needed a desk. There were more than enough desks throughout the Tower and a few might have already gone missing from the various unoccupied labs and offices. Once they reached the kitchen and dining section Clint and Natasha had to practically pry Carolyn away from everything her eyes landed on. Arguments of, “You already have your dream kitchen,” and “You sent Pepper fifteen different kitchen plans before settling on the one you have now. She will literally evict you if you change your mind again,” fell on pretty deaf ears. When the kitchen set ups faded behind them and Carolyn pouting at them all. But they sped through bedrooms and kids despite Clint’s best efforts in the latter department.
Then, of course, the first department on the first floor was the cooking and eating. All the dishes, flatware, glassware, tools, and toys for Carolyn to pour over. Natasha dragged her away to go and get a cart before she could get too invested, calling over her shoulder at Clint, “Don’t forget that you need dishes.”
“Oh, right. I forgot about that,” he said.
“That’s also the IKEA problem,” Darcy said. “You go in for one thing and come out with twenty other things that you don’t need.”
“Just wait until we get to décor. And frames,” Jan said. “I actually need a whole mess of picture frames.”
“Why do we need those?” Hank asked. “We have framed pictures already.”
“I also need those picture rail things,” Jan said. “Oh, those are cute,” she said, getting distracted by something on one of the shelves.
“This is never going to end, is it?” Hank asked. “I thought wedding plans were bad enough, but it’s never going to end. It’s just going to be one thing after another.”
“I heard that,” Jan called.
Hank grumbled under his breath and headed after his fiancée. Carolyn and Natasha arrived a minute later with two carts that had blue IKEA shopping bags hooked to them. Darcy snagged one and headed off with it. Jane and Thor made a move to follow but Thor got distracted by one of the displays. So far, he’d been fascinated by pretty much everything in IKEA. Everyone else had been fascinated by his ability to seemingly pronounce all the product names correctly.
“Have you gotten your dishes yet?” Natasha asked Clint.
“Does it look like I have any dishes?” Clint asked. “And I haven’t forgotten.
“Yes, you did,” Natasha said. “It was the discussion about your dating life that did it.”
“I missed a conversation about his lack of a dating life?” Carolyn asked, looking entirely too gleeful for Clint’s comfort. He most assuredly did not run away from his friends.
As a result, it meant that he essentially ran straight to Darcy, who was putting far too many dishware sets into the shopping bag.
“Is Thor still breaking dishes?” he asked.
“What? Oh, no we cured him of that in, like… Less than 36 hours,” Darcy said. “This is for Thor’s friends. Because if Volstagg and Fandral show up to stay we’ll need it. Also, Tony didn’t actually stock the break room for us or for you guys despite the fact that he included a dishwasher in both break rooms.”
“There’s a dishwasher in the break room?” Clint asked.
“Have you actually been to the break room for your offices?” Darcy asked.
“Not really since we moved in. And that was mostly because I dumped my stuff there before helping Carolyn and Phil,” Clint said. “Fury’s still got me at the main office most of the time.”
“But the commute to the new offices is less than five minutes,” Darcy said. “Why does he have you trucking out to,” she started to ask but paused. “I don’t actually know where you go to work.”
“There are a few locations in the city, but the main one where Carolyn’s and our old offices are is within walking distance,” Clint explained.
“I bet Carolyn’s pleased with that,” Darcy said.
“Well, the boss thinks that we can all get to the office whenever he calls us up,” Clint said. “We’ll see how that goes down once the crap winter weather starts up. And once she has the baby.”
“I’m overjoyed with my five-minute indoor commute,” Darcy said. She paused and her eyes narrowed. “Should I get coffee mugs too? For either the break rooms or for the Asgardian floor?”
“Eh, that’s --,” Clint began but was interrupted.
“Where’d Steve go?” Natasha asked.
“I’ll go find him!” Jan said.
“Hufflepuffs are very good finders!” Carolyn piped up from somewhere nearby.
“Find!” another voice, one neither Darcy nor Clint recognized, called from a little further away.
“What the hell is a Hufflepuff?” someone else called from the same direction.
Carolyn burst into peals of laughter.
“You’re a Slytherin if you’re anything,” Natasha said.
Thor turned to Jane. “What is a Hufflepuff?” he asked her.
The rest of the first floor went by with only a fifteen minutes top in the prints and frames section so Jan could get all the picture frames and ledges she wanted. Carolyn grabbed a few frames too, but she claimed those were for the school rather than for personal use. Apparently, Xavier’s did a variety of different school pictures.
Once they all walked into the warehouse Thor’s eyes widened.
“Holy shit,” Steve said faintly as he stared up at the towering shelving units.
Clint looked at Steve in mock shock. “Such language, sir!”
“Dude, he’s from Brooklyn in the 40s, not a convent,” Darcy said, pushing past him towards yet another cart. “So, how are we going to break this up? Go in a group or divide it up and meet back up at the outdoor space section? Thor and Steve’s muscles are going to be needed the whole time.”
“I resent the implications that I can’t lift things on my own,” Natasha said dryly.
“Jan’s entertainment center is going to be over 100 pounds and I’m sure the box doesn’t have handles,” Darcy said.
“Then Thor or Steve can get that and we can split the list up,” Carolyn said. “I’ll divvy up the list and send it to everyone’s phones. I call Clint for my lifting.”
“Cool, Thor’s with me and Jane,” Darcy said.
Steve ended up going with Jan and Hank to help with the media center. Since all Darcy was getting were her bookshelves, their list included all the bookshelves, even Jan and Hank’s. All in all, it took much less time than anticipated, especially since Jan and Hank had three carts of product all their own. They ended up meeting up at bookshelves where Steve helped Thor finish up.
Once the last box was stacked onto Jan and Hank’s third cart, Steve turned and looked at the other accumulated carts of boxes and things.
“This…is a lot of stuff,” he said. “Do we really need all of this?”
“Well, it’s a little late to go putting it back,” Natasha said.
There were nine carts all together. Three were full of Jan and Hank’s furniture, one for Darcy’s bookshelves, and two more of a combination of people’s things. From their wandering through the first floor they’d accumulated three carts with bags and a stack of Jan’s picture rails before they’d even reached the warehouse. Plus at some point Natasha had gone back and grabbed a rug while nobody noticed.
“Yes,” Jan said. “All of this is necessary. So everyone grab a cart and start pushing. We don’t need to look at the outdoor section since nobody has any actual outdoor space because our floors are so high up. Straight to the registers so we can make Tony pay for all of this.”
“Who the hell is going to put all of this together?” Clint asked, staring at the mass of flat pack bookshelves.
“And why didn’t you just ask for built ins when Tony was designing the place?” Hank asked.
“Because I didn’t,” Jan said. “Let’s move.”
They got more than a few odd looks as they all headed in one group and got into just one register line. A couple of employees tried to shuffle them off to different lines, but they explained that it was all actually one order. That information got them their own line opened up.
“I think we should get more food before we go,” Jan said. “It’s been hours.”
“Steve, you hungry?” Clint asked.
“Usually am, but I can wait until we get home,” he said, shrugging. “I could go get the truck though.”
“I don’t trust you with the truck,” Natasha said. “I will go get the moving truck. Besides, you need to help get stuff into the truck.”
“Seriously, who’s putting all that together?” Darcy asked. “Because you have a ton of stuff.”
“And how are we going to tell what belongs to who?” Jane asked.
Carolyn fished into her bag to reveal a Ziplock bag of sharpies and colored dot stickers. “Choose a color to label your stuff.”
“Why don’t we have a team bonding event in my living room?” Jan asked brightly.
“Well, the medallion says that’s dumb,” Clint said.
“What does that – what are you talking about?” Jan asked.
“It’s team bonding only if we have a sing-a-long viewing,” Darcy said.
“I’m in!” Carolyn said.
“You wouldn’t be doing anything but watching us be miserable,” Clint said. “I don’t want to put any furniture together! I specifically didn’t buy anything that needed to be put together!”