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Is it really so wrong to just want him sleeping next to me?
I don’t know. I know I’m not going to make it out of here alive, and I don’t want to have any regrets. Hajime won’t fall into that category. I love everything about him. Most of all, the hope that is so clearly in his every action. It consumes me like a fire.
I slip my head under the pool’s surface, hoping for it to jolt me awake. It doesn’t work. I just want him to hold me, one time. My feet push off the wall and I spin in circles underwater. I just love feeling weightless. Free.
I float up to take a breath and through my wet hair, I see him.
“Nagito?”
I love when he says my name. He makes something worthless sound like art.
“Hi Hajime.”
“Why are you out here so late?”
“I just love swimming at night."
I swim over to him in a gentle breast stroke. I feel dazed, high. But I’m focused on his smile. Even with sleep pulling his eyes he was incredible. He chuckled shyly.
“Me too, I actually came out here to swim. Funny, you didn’t seem like the type.”
“Guess I am, huh?”
He moves to take off his shirt and I slip under the water so he wouldn’t see my red face. It looks like I really am lucky. I just can’t screw this up. Hajime… you have no idea. I felt anxiety eating away at my chest. I hear rather than see him jump into the water. Surfacing, to my surprise I hear him yelp.
“What’s wrong?” It pops out of my mouth before I know.
“Oh, nothing! It’s just cold.” He seems to blush, and I swoon internally.
“Okay then…”
I start to turn away to swim to the other side and he grabs my hand. I jerk my head around and stare, trying to memorize the feeling of my hand in his.
“Nagito, do you wanna race?”
Now that he has my attention, he lets go of my hand. I grin wildly to hide the disappointment.
“You’re on.”
I wildly swam the lap and beat him easily. I laughed and turned around to see him smiling at me. His eyes were so kind. It filled me with warmth. It filled me with hope.
“You beat me. Guess my talent isn’t swimming.”
“Um… Hajime… Do you wanna go in the hot tub?”
“Sure, it’s kinda cold anyway.”
We walked over with wet feet slapping against the tile. Even though this island was basically a prison, you had to admit, it was a beautiful nightmare. I slid into the warm water and let the jets hit my back. He stepped in, and to my surprise sat right next to me.
“Nagito… why are you like this?”
“What do you mean?”
“You must know. You’re not like everyone else.”
“Well yeah. Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.”
“Something is very wrong with you, we both know that. You act strange around other people, and you’re obsessed with sacrificing yourself for hope. Tell me why. If there even is a reason.”
“I don't know if there is just one reason. But I think it’s based on how I’m so lucky.”
“How could that be a bad thing?”
“You should know, the way my luck works is like a cycle. It balances itself out. When I was a kid, my parents and I won a free vacation on the radio. But, on the flight back, the plane crashed. I was the only survivor.”
He gasped. I’m going to regret telling him everything, but right now, I don’t give a damn.
“My entire life is based around that cycle. Good and bad luck follow me everywhere I go. I can’t control it, and it’s frustrating.”
“That’s… that’s awful, Nagito. I’m sorry. What can I do?”
My Hajime. He’s looking at me and the tears in my eyes are distorting his face. I really don’t give a damn anymore, I just want him. I don’t want to think anymore. Without another thought I kiss him straight on the mouth. I hear him gasp. Oh no…
But then he grabs my shoulders and pulls me closer. He starts stroking my hair and the tears stop, lost in the moment. I lean my head back and look at him. He looks so happy.
“That’s why you acted like that in the beginning. You… you love me…”
“Yeah… guess you could say that. Heh.”
I close my eyes and lose myself in the feeling of him holding me.
“Part of the reason is because you give me hope. Sometimes I can just look at you and for a moment I feel like everything in this fucked up world is going to be okay.”
“Nagito…”
“I need you.”
He leans in and kisses me again and I feel like I’m flying. The steam is surrounding both of us. For now, this hell has become paradise.
Hours later I just bask in the feeling of his arm around me. He’s so warm and he’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Even though he’s fast asleep, I whisper to him.
“Hajime… I love the hope sleeping inside you.”
I don’t care if I’m insane anymore, as long as I have him everything is grounded in my perception. He’s my gravity. He’s my everything, and I’ll never let him go. Even if it kills me.