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The door shut quietly behind Michael. He threw his keys onto the desk and jumped onto his bed, laying on his back so he could stare at the ceiling. His eyes were red and puffy, and for the first time in a while it wasn’t because he’d been high recently. He let out a quiet sob, shutting his eyes and bringing his hands to his mouth. He hated himself for being so vulnerable, but he couldn’t help it.
He rubbed at his face as he sat up. His face was wet yet again, making him sob harder. I could have avoided this. I didn’t need to be there.
The whole scene played over in his head. The pushing, the name-calling, the crying. God, all that crying. He was so pathetic. Why didn’t I just move? What did I think was going to happen?
He pushed his back against the wall as he began crying again. Letting out sobs that shook his whole body. He curled in on himself and pulled on his headphones, blocking out the world.
It wasn’t long before he ran out of tears, two crying sessions within 2 hours of the other was intense. Especially when they were caused by the only person he trusted. He looked at the ceiling again, his body still shaking from tears that wanted to be shed.
He knew it was bound to happen. After everything, he wasn’t sure why he was surprised. Jeremy had started avoiding him at school, even transferring out of the classes they had together. He’d stopped responding to texts and calls, probably blocked him.
There was also the time where Jeremy had acknowledged him, spoken to him even, and then just looked away. He walked away and left Michael, standing there, alone. He’d been so confused at the time. Why did he just leave? No, why did I think I was good enough for him?
He threw a pillow at the wall and let another sob rip through him. I’m not good enough for him. I was never good enough for him. I will never be good enough for him!
Michael wanted to punch a wall. He wanted to do something to let out all his frustrations. He felt angry, but at the same time, he knew he wasn’t. So many emotions were running through him, anger, sadness, confusion. Hate. Hate was the strongest one by far. But his hate wasn’t directed at Jeremy, it was directed at himself.
You’re not good enough. You’ve never been good enough. He was right to leave you. You knew he was going to leave you.
The music playing on his headphones was turned up, as though Michael was trying to block out the sound of his own thoughts. He took a deep breathe and laid down, closing his eyes. Michael wasn’t going to fight himself. He couldn’t. He wasn’t strong enough to fight his own thoughts.
He wasn’t good enough for himself.