Chapter Text
Yoongi is sitting on the couch in their dorm, watching old Vines on his phone, when suddenly the front door bursts open and a somewhat disheveled-looking Namjoon stumbles in.
Yoongi looks up, vaguely surprised, though he keeps his face carefully neutral. Namjoon usually isn't one to easily lose his cool so this is a bit of a rare occurrence. His face is flushed red and he seems out of breath, as though he had run all the way from the studio, or at least up the stairs.
For a moment, Yoongi considers worrying whether something had happened. But then a big boyish grin spreads over Namjoon's face, dimpling his cheeks.
“Bang PD gave us the green light,” he says and that's how it begins.
It's an idea Namjoon has been pushing for a while now. They have always been known for overstepping the boundaries of the industry, of addressing issues that often got ignored by other artists. Some things were not openly discussed by society and certainly not by k-pop groups.
But they had gotten away with it before, had been praised and acknowledged and curiously questioned what would come next.
“Diversity,” Namjoon had said when he had explained the concept to them “Learning to love yourself, no matter what.”
Yoongi, however, had only lifted an eyebrow, somewhat skeptical.
“We already did that,” he had pointed out. “Literally the same title.”
But Namjoon, when he looked at him, had seemed strangely bright and somber at the same time.
“Not like this,” he had said, like the anticipation of thunder after lightning.
And he had been right.
The overarching theme is dear to them all, of course, and they crowd around the table in poorly concealed excitement. Bang PD has given them full artistic license. It's a kind of responsibility they've never had before, not to this extent, but they are more than ready for it.
“So,” Namjoon says decisively, clapping his hands. “Diversity. Let's brainstorm.”
“Disabilities,” Jungkook says at once. Since the promo pics for Love Yourself had come out, the imagines of him in a wheelchair had caused quite a stir; it was natural that he would want to explore it further.
“Good.” Namjoon nods as Jungkook eagerly scribbles the word down onto the big sheet of paper that is spread out on the table. “Anything in particular?”
“How about sign language?” Hoseok asks and then he is already randomly waving his hands about. “That would look cool in an MV. Or even the choreography.”
They all mull it over for a moment. They would need help with it, but that was a given. The idea itself is solid and certainly unusual, so Namjoon gives an impressed nod and Seokjin claps Hoseok on the back. Hoseok grins proudly and steals the pen from Jungkook's hand, even though he has a perfectly good one lying right there in front of him.
When Hoseok is done writing, however, a moment of silence descends onto them. It's rare for them but there is a certain shyness that comes with the topic. Discussing diversity as a vague concept was already tricky enough if they wanted to remain sensitive to other people's problems, but really talking about something that concerned them personally demanded a specific kind of bravery.
Like a true leader, Namjoon takes the first step.
“I think I'm gonna wear a dress,” he ponders. He says it casually, as though it had only just occurred to him, but it's still obvious that he must have been thinking about it for a while. “You know, different expressions of self.”
“Woah,” Taehyung makes an impressed little sound, looking at him with wide eyes. “That's so cool, hyung.”
Namjoon only winks and then pulls the paper closer to himself.
Then silence, again.
They are all aware of the elephant in the room, have been since the word 'diversity' has even been spoken.
Yoongi sighs. Seems like he would have to throw himself under the bus for this one. He opens his mouth.
“Let's do something gay,” Jimin says and all heads swivel toward him.
Jimin sits there with his hands clenched in his lap and his back very straight. The jut of his chin is determined.
“Well,” Seokjin says slowly. “Namjoon and Kook did I Know .”
“Yes,” Jimin agrees. “But that's just... one line in one song. We should incorporate it into the MV and- and the whole promo concept.”
“So, like, holding hands or-”
“Kissing,” Yoongi says, not caring how rude it is to interrupt. “There should at least be kissing.”
“Um,” Taehyung pipes up, ducking his head carefully. “Are we gonna get that through with the producers and everyone?”
But Namjoon only gives a crooked grin. “I think Bang PD knew what he was in for when he gave us permission.”
“Oh man,” Seokjin says, tilting his head back and turning his face heavenward. “This is going to be so much work.”
It is.
The bulk of the song writing, as per usual, goes to Namjoon and Yoongi.
“This is gonna be another Spring Day, huh?” Yoongi comments when he peruses Namjoon's handwritten notes.
“Yeah,” Namjoon says, bobbing his head where he is perched on his office chair. “But with more gravitas. I want the overall message to be a little less subtle and really punch people in the gut, you know?”
Yoongi snorts, sifts through the papers. He taps his fingers against the table, considers. He's not good with this, really, but if he doesn't say it now he probably won't find a good time to say it later either.
“Thanks,” he says, not quite bringing himself to look up. “For doing this.”
“It's alright,” Namjoon says easily as though it were no big deal. As though the depth of their friendship were nothing remarkable. “I know this means a lot to you.”
“Hm,” Yoongi hums in lieu of something more profound to say, grabs a pen and starts jotting down ideas.
With your bones bleached white from the unforgiving sun
Do you still remember the taste of rain?
From then on, the puzzle pieces slowly come together. It's hard work, tedious sometimes, the hours they spent sitting in the studio, arranging and rearranging the beat, tweaking split seconds until their ears ring and their eyes tear up from staring at the computer screens for so long.
When they are close to what they think will be the final version, they present a sample to the others.
Seokjin sits ramrod straight, listening attentively to anything that might feel dissonant while Hoseok is already tapping out the beat against the tabletop. Taehyung and Jungkook lean forward in their chairs, obviously enchanted already. Only Jimin has his eyes closed, bated breath and fluttering eyelashes.
It's starts out like a serenade, lofty, lovely, the part where Namjoon had gotten this intense expression in his eyes, worrying at his thumb as he explained how he wanted violins there, something to spiral everything to divine heights, with the beats coming in, heavy and deep, until the bass suddenly drops like the anticipated plummet on a roller coaster. But then the melody catches up to itself and, where the harmony will tune in with the vocal line, the whole thing gains some steadiness, some certainty, like the lead-up to an epiphany. It's heavier than Spring Day but nowhere near Not Today , and Yoongi loves it with all of his heart.
“Oh yeah,” Hoseok says, excitement clear in his voice as soon as the last note has faded. “That's perfect. I already have tons of ideas.”
He's eager for this choreography, eager to properly get to sing in on of their bigger projects because Taehyung has been begging for a chance to get to rap.
“We got most of the lyrics done,” Namjoon explains. “And I have some ideas on who does what, but we'll see. I'm gonna show the sample to Bang PD tomorrow and then we can start with the first recordings, get a feel for everything.”
“And we can start with the choreography,” Hoseok declares, jostling Jimin with his elbow. “This is gonna be awesome!”
My feet are bare upon the hot asphalt
On this playground, we used to spent our days
The following days are spent with Hoseok running around with his tablet in hand, watching YouTube tutorials on Korean Sign Language, a crease of concentration on his brow that melts away into a smile when someone asks how things are going. Jimin is already bouncing ideas off of Jungkook for a number of dance moves, the two of them sliding around in their socks and polishing the hardwood floor, while Taehyung keeps nagging Namjoon for more pointers on how to improve his rap.
Yoongi just sits bundled up in his hoodie, whittling away at the lyrics. Because Namjoon had been right. This was important to him.
He doesn't glance up when Seokjin sits down next to him but he also doesn't scoot away when he feels him peeking at his notebook. Even Yoongi has some respect for their collective hyung.
“You've made a lot of progress,” Seokjin praises, though for some reason Yoongi can't shake the feeling that he is talking about more than just their song, so he simply gives a non-committal grunt.
Seokjin, of course, is undeterred.
“Have you thought of a title yet?”
Yoongi stills, stares down at the parts of the paper that are still blank.
What follows after spring, after cold mornings woven through with frost?
The answer is more instinctive than anything else.
“White Summer,” he says and Seokjin smiles.
How did we grow up to be like this?
Sometimes, I am scared of myself
They name their comeback Hold My Hand because it's a phrase that implies both offering and needing support. There is a certain intimacy to it, a fragility, but also strength and reassurance. Seokjin had come up with it, in the wee hours of the morning, when their walls were down and they couldn't help but speak a little more truthfully.
Seokjin talks about how he imagines his role in the MV and what it means to him. From there, the ideas all pour in, between lighthearted and serious. They are taking a risk with all of this, they know, but it will be worth it.
It's also when they finally decide who's going to get the gay storyline in the MV.
“It was my idea, so I should do it,” Jimin decides primly but Yoongi only snorts and pushes his beanie out of his eyes.
“How about we let the actually queer guy take the reins here,” he butts in and a few private smiles light up across the dim room. Yoongi's never really tried to hide his preferences, especially since his desire to further his career superseded his potential interest in any sort of romantic relationship, and the members had always fully supported him.
But this is still a big leap of faith. If someone else took the role, they could brush it off as it being just that, a role, an act, an artistic choice to show support for the LGBT fans. If Yoongi did it... well. He wouldn't be able to deny it without considering himself a liar, and if he didn't deny it he would end up forever stigmatized in the eyes of the public. But it wasn't like he had ever much cared about other people's opinion.
What he had not counted on, however, was the stubborn expression on Jimin's face.
“Hyung,” he begins, shoulders pulling up in defiance. “I really think-
“How about you both do it,” Hoseok suggests cheekily, not even giving Jimin a chance to plead his case, and Namjoon coughs a laugh into his fist.
“Yeah, Suga,” he drawls. “Why don't you both do it?”
Yoongi pushes his beanie back down so his death glare doesn't accidentally kill their revered leader.
“Didn't we agree that there'd be kissing?” he asks simply.
“So?” Namjoon says. “Are you scared?”
“Of what?” Yoongi asks because, really, what would he be scared of? Of the repercussions? Of having to act his way through a kissing scene? Of their resident mochi who's... currently looking a bit more abashed than before.
“I think that's a cool idea!” Taehyung says enthusiastically. “I bet you could pull it off, Chimchim.”
“The internet is gonna explode,” Jungkook whispers with something between fear and glee. “It's gonna be crazy.”
“We should be careful, though,” Seokjin cautions. “We don't want to distract from the actual song and everything.”
“True,” Namjoon admits. “It has to be poignant and tasteful. We don't wanna get anything banned.”
“Gee, Joon, it's not like we were planning to shoot a porno,” Yoongi huffs. “A kiss or two, and that's it. We're probably not even gonna be allowed to do closeups or anything.”
He says it lackadaisically, but he knows even the mere implication of two male idols kissing for anything that wasn't explicitly meant as fan service would have some people hounding their asses. Because although they had a large fan base in the West who were more used to this kind of pop culture, there were inevitably going to be some Korean moralizers who'd blame them for warping the minds of children.
Fuck that, though. If there was even one kid who would see this video and realize that it was alright to be something other than straight, then Yoongi would gladly french all six of his friends.
He's still kinda relieved that it's only going to be Jimin.
Do you still run, do you still sing?
Do you still smile when your little sister falls asleep?
“Hey,” Yoongi says nevertheless when the morning has crept past the horizon and all of them crawl into bed for at least some hours of sleep. “Are you really okay with this?”
Jimin almost looks surprised at Yoongi's tentative tone, at the fact that he would so openly ask at all. But then he only gives a firm nod.
“I want to do this,” he says and Yoongi nods along, purses his lips.
“Even if we claim it's for the sake of art,” he points out. “There will be rumors.”
He doesn't have a problem with coming out or with people questioning his sexuality. But Jimin - who is ever so worried about proving his masculinity - might be in over his head.
“So?” Jimin asks now, and his stance is an entire challenge. He doesn't seem daunted or even spiteful. Just convinced. “There will always be rumors. Like this, we at least give everything meaning.”
“Huh,” Yoongi hums, blowing the breath out from his nose. “Guess that's true.”
He kicks open the door to his room, shuffles half inside before throwing another glance back over his shoulder. Jimin looks tiny in his oversized hoodie, and the mussed-up hair and dark circles under his eyes don't exactly help his case.
Yoongi allows himself a small grin.
“I really hope you know how to kiss, Park Jiminie,” he teases. “Because otherwise I'll have to teach you.”
He's too tired to remain standing in the threshold, too tired to await Jimin's reply.
I lost my voice to the whispers of others
I had no choice but to be someone else
Took a knife, cut away all the errors
What remained was not pretty but small
Recording is a flurry of days in which Namjoon barely emerges from the studio, though he is often enough joined by Yoongi or Hoseok. They try out some new stuff, experiment more, meaning that everything takes longer but also that everyone will be in for a surprise.
They have Seokjin sing the opening, which weaves into existence like a lullaby, until Jungkook joins in, more plaintive and desolate. Then Namjoon follows with the first rap, softer than usual, only to be interrupted by Taehyung venting his frustrations, and the two battle for a moment, before Hoseok comes in to lead the chorus. It's ironic, in a way, because in their story he doesn't have a voice, but here it comes in clear and sunny, backed up by Jin and Jungkook, the three of them almost angelic, a hymn in a cathedral.
And then the fall, Icarus before the sun, a blazing white heat that rips all dreams apart. Yoongi, brittle in his helplessness but brandishing his fury as to appear stronger, Jimin harmonizing with him, not quite like in Spring Day, more a dialogue than just a backdrop, but with a sadness all of his own.
Stylistically, it's the most appealing part of the song to Yoongi, the most artistic, but still he cannot help but like the second half more. Because it ends as it opens, with Jin as its frame, but before that there is Jimin soaring up to new heights, supported by Jungkook, and Yoongi rapping how there is no bravery without the absence of fear.
It's a good song. It's a fucking brilliant beautiful bastard of a song, and when he and Namjoon, Bang PD and the rest of the team are finally done with mixing and arranging everything, Yoongi wishes they could upload it right away and show it to their fans.
It's late when he goes home, later still when he finally lets himself into the door, quietly so as not to wake anyone else, but surprised to see the lights still on.
He sticks his head into the kitchen, only to see Jimin sitting by the counter and nursing a hot drink.
“You're back late, Yoongi,” he points out the obvious but then is cut off by a huge yawn.
“You're up late,” Yoongi says just as unnecessarily and then gives a yawn of his own because it's contagious. “And that's Yoongi-hyung for you,” he adds after a beat, though it doesn't have quite the effect with how dead tired he sounds.
“You're still not done?” Jimin asks with a tilt of his head, probably in reference to how Namjoon had not returned with him.
“Nah, Namjoon stayed behind to talk to Bang PD once more,” Yoongi replies. There is still a chance that their producer would backtrack on his blanket permission to let them do what they deemed best for this comeback, but their leader wanted to make sure that they had him firmly in their corner. If anyone can convince Bang PD of this project's importance, it is RM, and he hasn't disappointed them yet.
All of a sudden, Jimin looks much more awake.
“Do you have it with you?” he asks, almost hungrily.
Yoongi is tempted to tease him a little, to shake his head and say no but, in lieu of being allowed to share their song with the world, he thinks Jimin will be the next best thing.
He doesn't hesitate then, just shuffles closer and pulls himself up onto the bar stool next to Jimin, wrangling his phone from his jacket pocket.
He had been listening to it on the way home, but he is already excited for it once more.
It's an automatic move to hold out one of the headphones, an automatic move for Jimin to take it and plug it into his right ear, and it's stupid because he's not gonna get the full experience when it's not in stereo, but then Yoongi is already tapping the phone to start the song anew and neither of them cares.
White Summer flashes up at him from his fingerprint-smudged screen and a second later the sounds trickle into his left ear as he and Jimin stick their heads close together.
And perhaps it's just because it's dark and late, perhaps it's because the song is just that fucking good, but Yoongi can tell the exact moment in the chorus when Jimin's emotions tip over. Because his breath hitches a little and, although his eyes are closed, his lids flutter a little, as if to shutter away the tears. Almost instinctively, Yoongi's fingers hook themselves into the wide sleeves of Jimin's sweater, brushing against his wrist. It's a butterfly's touch but it is immediately followed by a small smile tugging at Jimin's lips.
“Everyone did so well,” Jimin says when it is silent again, yet his eyes remain closed. “My hyungs are so talented and hard-working.”
“Not just your hyungs,” Yoongi notes. He had been pleasantly surprised by how well Taehyung had handled his rap part, how he was already developing his own particular style. That Jimin and Jungkook outdid themselves went without saying.
“I can't wait to perform this on stage,” Jimin says and it's his fingers now that seek out Yoongi's, warm and wriggling.
Yoongi snorts.
“MV first,” he reminds him. “And promo shoots and choreography and hair and costumes and practice-”
“You don't have to spoil everything, hyung” Jimin whines. “I'm excited for those things, too.”
“Even the hair dye?”
“Even the hair dye.”
“You won't be saying that once our hair falls out from all the bleach,” Yoongi grouches. “No one wants to see bald idols perform.”
“I'm sure hyung would look very handsome even when bald,” Jimin says, sugar sweet, and Yoongi pulls a face.
“I'd probably look even younger than I already do,” he says. “Like a baby. Just put me in a onesie and you'll see.”
“I'll remember the idea for our next comeback,” Jimin promises somberly.
“Please don't,” Yoongi says and pushes him off his seat.
But I'm not yet gone, I'm moving on
I got some life left inside of me
So I'm not gonna be what'd like to see
I am greater than the sum of my parts