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Jinki’s nose picked up a citrusy scent as he silently opened the door to Jonghyun’s bedroom, his eyes naturally searching for the source of soft sobs that had been audible even in the stairwell leading up to the other’s room.
Jonghyun lay on his bed, still dressed in the nicely tailored Oxford blue suit he had bought the other day, face pressed into his pillow, his whole body shaking from stifled, almost tantalizing sounding snivels. He wasn’t alone, Jinki noticed with a sympathetic smile as he took a step inside, Jonghyun’s little Dachshund Roo coming into view who rested next to his head on all fours, head bedded on her forepaws, whimpering heartbreakingly.
Neither of them looked up when the door clicked back into its lock, Jonghyun seemingly too occupied with sobbing into his pillow and Roo with worrying over him. Jinki pushed his keys into the pocket of his gray sweatpants, and quietly made his way over to Jonghyun’s bed on his socks to carefully sit down on the mattress, the cold foam sinking slightly under the added weight.
Moments passed before Roo lifted her small head, the pitch of her whimpers immediately turning to a darker, more urgent sounding timbre as if she wanted to let Jinki know that something was wrong with her human daddy. The wagging of her tail was subtle, and it seemed like she was wavering between being excited about Jinki visiting them and being concerned about seeing Jonghyun in his rather pitiful looking state. Her paws slid a few centimeters into his direction, her wet tongue sticking out, the movement of her tail intensifying for a brief moment before she paused, and her paws retreated, her focus going back to Jonghyun.
“You did well.”
It was a simple statement, but it was the deeper meaning behind those loosely connected three little words that Jinki was sure Jonghyun needed to hear the most right now. He stretched out his hand, patting the other’s small, round butt reassuringly, the sobs, which had filled the room until now subsiding at once. Jinki felt Jonghyun shift carefully before he turned onto his side, two swollen and reddened eyes looking over at him.
“You came.”
Jonghyun’s voice sounded hoarse and chocked, a tear rolling down his cheek, disappearing in the gap between his chapped, pink lips.
“Minho woke me up after he came back to the dorm and told me you might want to see me more than him right now,” he explained in a soothing whisper, hand gliding down to stroke Jonghyun’s thigh, the fabric of the dark blue colored pants feeling stiff beneath his touch.
“I followed the broadcast,” he added casually, watching the other stir next to him in discomfort, Jonghyun’s lips tightening as he turned onto his back and pressed his palms against his face, taking a deep, shuddering breath.
“I didn’t want to cry. I really didn’t want to, but – but then I thought about all the times I sat in that swivel chair, and about all the lovely people I met through Blue Night, the stories that were sent in, all the love – the love I received, and all of a sudden all hell broke loose, and I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I felt so embarrassed, because I really didn’t want to cry this time. I’m 28, you know. I shouldn’t be shaken by things like this so easily anymore,” he babbled with low sobs, chest heaving visibly, palms running up and down his face in a seemingly desperate attempt to forget everything for a while.
“It’s okay, Jonghyun. Everyone knows how much Blue Night means to you.”
Jonghyun nodded in response, and took another exaggerated, deep breath, staring up at the dark ceiling, his hand blindly reaching out for Jinki’s to wind their fingers together.
“Thank you for stopping by,” he uttered in a quiet voice, snuffling, his free hand wiping away tears from his reddened cheeks.
“I would have come to the show as well, you know that, right?”
Jinki leaned down to place small kisses on every knuckle of Jonghyun’s hand, smoothing the soft skin with his thumb. He had never been one to comfort well with words since he lacked the fineness and subtleness Jonghyun possessed while speaking, but he would always be there for the other, silently waiting in the background, offering long hugs, calming pats on the back, or soothing kisses if they were needed, because he knew that actions could speak so much louder than words.
“I know.”
A thankful smile appeared on Jonghyun’s face when Jinki placed his hand against his cheek, nestling his face against the small palm.
“But seeing you there would have only made me cry harder.”
“I know, that’s why I didn’t accompany Minho,” Jinki explained considerately, pressing another kiss into the palm. “Though, I’m still not entirely sure if I like the idea of Minho being able to make you stop crying, while I only make you cry harder. It shouldn’t be like this, you know? I should be the one putting a smile on your face,” he added silently, gaze lowered, teeth nibbling on the outer corner of his bottom lip.
“You never make me cry, Jinki. So there is no need for you to make me stop crying.”
Jonghyun sat up then and so did Roo. The tiny dog rose her upper body on her short forepaws a little clumsily, her black, roundish eyes not leaving her master’s face for a second, watching every tiny movement intently. Jinki thought it was cute how attentive the tiny furball was, despite Jonghyun always whining about him being only her 3rd favorite person in the house, and telling everyone that Roo at times even preferred their guests over him, it was obvious how affectionate the dog was towards him.
“You look really sexy by the way.”
There was an amused grin playing on Jonghyun’s lips now, and Jinki looked down at himself when the other pulled on the hem of his worn-out, orange T-shirt, letting his thumb run over a little hole in the fabric.
“It’s past 4am, Jong. I was far away in dreamland when Minho woke me up. I grabbed the first best thing on my way out,” Jinki tried to justify his outfit; a colorful combination consisting of gray, loose sweatpants, the orange T-shirt, and a green hoodie jacket on top, the hood covering his tousled, brownish hair.
“It’s okay. I was not judging. I don’t care what you are wearing, because you always look perfect to me anyway.”
Jinki pulled a disgruntled face that made Jonghyun laugh in return, his eyes still watery but no tears falling from them any longer.
“If it wasn’t for me trying to be a gentleman tonight, because I know you are upset, I would comment on your cringe worthy cheesiness right now,” Jinki commented with a sigh, and brushed his hood back to run a hand through his hair.
“I’m only telling the truth.”
“You are just reading way too many romance novels,” he retorted playfully, and reached out his hand to scratch Roo behind her right ear, the Dachshund immediately tilting her head, tail starting to twitch again.
“Yah, you were supposed to cheer me up and not make me feel worse about myself.”
An evident pout formed on Jonghyun’s lips, his voice sounding a little higher than usual, his hand lightly punching Jinki against his knee.
“You haven’t even hugged me yet,” he meekly added for consideration, pulling on the leg of Jinki’s sweatpants with a sulk. The older one of the two had to suppress a laugh at the sight of Jonghyun’s antics before he tackled him down onto the mattress in the next moment, Roo jumping aside with a little yelp and Jonghyun landing on his back, arms outstretched on each side, Jinki coming to rest on top of him.
“Yah, you are heavy, old man,” Jonghyun complained vocally, but made no effort in pushing Jinki away, a little strangled noise leaving his lips when Jinki slung his arms tightly around his torso and his legs around his hips, nose nuzzling into the crook of his neck.
“Aren’t you the one who is always bragging about how much he can lift at the gym?” Jinki muttered teasingly, the tip of his nose running along Jonghyun’s skin before placing a little kiss beneath his ear.
“The emphasis is on lift. It feels more like I’m buried alive right now,” Jonghyun grumbled, and Jinki started smiling when the other’s arms found their way around him, hands pushing his hoodie and T-shirt up to stroke his lower back.
They lay on Jonghyun’s bed in silence for a while, Jinki listening to Jonghyun’s steady heartbeat and enjoying the soft brush of his fingertips on his back until he heard a little plop sound next to him, and whirled his head around in surprise, watching Roo march into the direction of the little leather chair standing on the other side of Jonghyun’s room. It was one of the few items Jonghyun had bought after redecorating his room with the help of an interior designer, Jinki still remembering how the cold, smooth leather had felt against his naked skin when he and Jonghyun had inaugurated it one night. When Roo jumped onto it and curled into a donut Jinki turned back to Jonghyun again who looked up at him with puffy eyes, some strands of his neatly styled hair falling loosely into his forehead.
“You will be fine, right?” he asked in a more serious tone, one of his hands coming up to graze Jonghyun’s face gently. There was a soft nod, Jinki feeling fingertips digging into the small of his back.
“Yes, I will be. It was the right thing to do. No matter how much I love doing Blue Night, my body hates me for it,” he explained slowly as if he wanted to make sure that his words came out right.
“You’ve worked hard, and I’m very proud of you,” Jinki said, leaning down to press a peck on Jonghyun’s forehead. “But now is the time to concentrate on yourself…,” he continued before placing another kiss on the tip of Jonghyun’s nose. “…and on me,” he added with a wink, smiling when the other began to laugh.
“As always – so selfless,” Jonghyun teased, poking Jinki's side before gently pushing him off him to sit up.
“I should get changed. This suit will only wrinkle even more otherwise,” he mused, smoothing the fabric carefully, Jinki’s eyes following as his hands ran down his jacket. Lying on his side, Jinki probed himself up on one arm to look after Jonghyun when the younger one decided to get up, Jonghyun turning on the soles of his feet as he reached the door leading to his small dressing room, fingernails tapping against the door frame.
“Will you stay for the night?”
The pleading look in his eyes didn’t go unnoticed by Jinki who grabbed one of the two pillows resting against the headboard of the bed to sling his arms around it, his chin resting on the soft material.
“Do you want me to?” he murmured in question, smiling when Jonghyun shyly bit his bottom lip and nodded.
“Yeah, I’d like that.”
“Then I will stay.”
There was no audible response coming from Jonghyun, but the thankful smile appearing on his full lips was reaction enough for Jinki, who put the big pillow aside after the other had disappeared so he could slip out of his sweatpants and hoodie. When he was done he neatly folded everything and got up to walk over to Roo, the small dog looking up with curiosity in her eyes as he placed his clothes on the couch next to the chair she was lying on.
“You’ve worked hard tonight, too, hm? You are such a good little girl,” he crooned fondly, kneeling down next to the chair, and caressing the dog’s small, pointed head gently whose tail immediately started moving again, snout eagerly pressing against his palm, tongue lapping at it. Jinki remembered how Jonghyun had showed up in their dorm one day, a sleepy puppy securely pressed against his chest, its size only a little bigger than his fist. He had showed her off like a proud dad, telling everyone about all the possible names he had come up with while the little dog had curiously wandered around their shared bedroom, sniffing on everything and everyone, wearing an oversized dog collar around her tiny neck. Who would have thought she would grow up to be such a feisty and lovable character with a name so far off from everything Jonghyun had come up with?
“She likes you a lot, you know.”
Jinki looked up from the dog’s dark coat of fur in front of him to meet Jonghyun’s gaze as the other leaned against the door frame, arms crossed in front of his bare chest, all his clothes gone except for a pair of black boxer briefs. Jonghyun’s body had changed so much over time; his physique going from his lanky teenager frame to a more defined one after he had discovered weight lifting, and then going from bulky to worryingly thin in a span of mere months, only to fill out again in between comebacks. A vicious circle Jonghyun had repeated over and over again in the past few years due to reasons Jinki to this day still couldn’t fully fathom.
Anxiety, public pressure, wrong diets, better self-awareness to just name a few reasons, they had talked so often about it when Jonghyun had curled up in Jinki’s arms at night because he couldn’t sleep, first back at their shared dorm and then later on in Jonghyun’s home, the older one always trying to be there for Jonghyun, even though he wasn’t always sure what he could do to make the other feel appreciated for who he was and not just for how he looked.
Other people’s opinions of him mattered too much to Jonghyun, they always had. Even though Jonghyun always emitted self-confidence in front of a camera, and pretended that he didn’t care about the public’s view, Jinki knew that all this was just an act to protect himself. An act all of them had perfected over the past nine years. Don’t let anyone see that you are hurt, they already had been told during trainee days, keep your heads up and smile, they had told them, but sometimes it was hard to keep smiling when faceless people had opinions of them that stung and made them feel vulnerable.
Jinki knew this feeling all too well.
Although Jinki loved Jonghyun no matter his weight or physical condition, to him it was comforting to see that he was doing better in maintaining his weight again, and that the hollow of his cheeks had begun to slowly fill out in the past few weeks. The six pack he had trained so hard for at the end of last year had almost completely disappeared, only a few subtle outlines indicating the previous chiseled state of Jonghyun’s stomach. But his broad shoulders, chest and arm muscles were still prominent, his pecks and biceps protruding as his arms crossed in front of his chest, Jinki swallowing subtly at the sight, reminding himself that it wasn’t the right time to let his thoughts wander to other places.
“Well, I like her a lot, too. So the feeling is mutual,” he replied finally after concentrating back on Roo, cradling the dog’s head once more before he stood up, stretching his arms out to welcome Jonghyun in his arms.
“More than you like me?” Jonghyun mumbled into the crook of his neck after he slung his arms around the slightly taller one to press their bodies together.
“Is that a trick question?” he quipped playfully, laughing when Jonghyun jabbed him with his hand.
“Already the wrong answer.”
With a frustrated sigh Jonghyun nuzzled the other’s neck, the breath ghosting over Jinki’s skin making him shiver as he let one of his hands wander through the other’s hair. It felt like Jonghyun had tried to comb it, but had only been semi-successful, some strands still clustered with products that had made his hair stay in place. Maybe he had been too tired or too lazy to take a shower tonight and Jinki couldn’t blame him since he was sure that some people had already got up again to get ready for work while the two of them still hadn’t even gone to bed yet.
“Do you need endless praise for your ego tonight or what is it?” he provoked him lightheartedly, leaning his head against Jonghyun’s, feeling the other groan against him.
“Maybe.”
The answer was so soft-spoken that Jinki had barely heard it. He tightened his grasp on Jonghyun’s waist, and leaned back a little to look the other in the eyes. A little confused Jonghyun returned his gaze, eyes as big and curious as his puppy’s, the puffy redness still visible around his lashes.
“You are amazing, and I love you – like a lot,” Jinki stated matter-of-factly, hands rubbing up and down Jonghyun’s sides. “I believe you helped a lot of people with the things you said on the radio, and I admire you for being so open with everyone without trying to hide your true self. That’s the man I fell in love with such a long time ago, and I’m so happy to see that you were able to show that to the world,” he added, tipping his head to the side with a frown when Jonghyun poked him again, this time even softer than the previous time.
“What is it now? I thought that’s what you wanted to hear.”
“It is,” Jonghyun muttered reluctantly and stepped back, losing his hold on Jinki to grab his hand instead. He walked over to his bed then, the other trailing after him in silence, not entirely sure what was going on in the other’s head. “But you only said that, because I asked you to. You should say stuff like that to me all the time, unrequested.”
Jonghyun slipped easily beneath the covers, lifting them up for Jinki to join him, both of them soon lying on the younger one’s bed, facing each other.
“All the time? Even in the middle of you sucking me off? Like – oh god, Jonghyun – you are so amazing. I love how deep thinking you are? You look so philosophical with your lips wrapped around my cock?”
He threw his head back theatrically, closed his eyes and bit his lip for emphasis, chuckling when yet another jab hit him in the chest, Jonghyun’s bottom lip pushed forward.
“You are a big bully, Lee Jinki. Soft like tofu, my ass. I should install hidden cameras and show the world your real face!” Jonghyun ranted, poking the other repeatedly into the stomach until Jinki got a hold on his hand and wrapped his own around it.
“My real face when it’s buried between your thighs, eating you out? I’m quite sure some would get off to that to be honest.”
Jinki hadn’t originally intended to let their conversation drift into a more sexually suggestive area tonight, but the random banter seemed to work wonders on Jonghyun’s mood since instead of looking gloomy and upset the other only raised his eyebrow at him with a smirk, a long stretched pffff leaving his lips.
“Pfff? What’s that supposed to mean?” Jinki asked, dumbfounded, pulling their interlaced hands up from beneath the blanket to press a kiss onto the back of Jonghyun’s hand.
“It doesn’t mean anything. I was just voicing my disbelief about all your sex talk at five in the morning.”
“Isn’t that the best time for that kind of talk, though?”
A wriggle of his eyebrows followed, which was only answered with a roll of Jonghyun’s eyes who moved closer and snuggled up against him.
“Just shut up, you big dork. You are talking even more nonsense than usual tonight,” Jonghyun mumbled, pressing a small kiss on Jinki’s neck, his feet hooking around the other’s ankles.
“I guess you are right.”
With an affirming nod Jinki embraced Jonghyun with one arm, fingertips lazily wandering up and down his back, the other only scooting closer in the process with a deep, content sigh.
They lay there with Jinki holding Jonghyun who looked for comfort in his arms, breath slow and even, their eyes closed, and the room around them falling silent except for little snores coming from the leather chair in the corner. Jinki was about to doze off when he heard the other say something all of a sudden, his eyes snapping open, his mind feeling fuzzy and disoriented.
“Yes, what is it?” he mumbled tiredly, concerned that something bad had happened while he had nodded off. It was a regular occurrence to him that Jonghyun woke him up in the middle of the night to share his midnight thoughts with him when he stayed at his place. Ever since Jinki had met him as a trainee Jonghyun had had trouble falling asleep, often plagued by his seemingly never resting mind. He tended to overthink, overanalyze, and overdramatize everything around him, every encounter, every word, and every gesture picked to tiny pieces.
Jinki had gotten so used to Jonghyun’s insomnia that reassuring him that everything was fine had become natural to him. So it almost felt like an automatism when he pulled Jonghyun closer to his chest and started to stroke his hair soothingly, whispering words of approval and encouragement into his ear.
“I just said thank you for stopping by and cheering me up,” Jonghyun repeated eventually, moving up a little to look at Jinki’s face, a feeling of relief washing over the older one’s face, his posture relaxing. “That means a lot to me.”
“Anytime, babe – anytime.”
He returned the tired smile he was given before Jonghyun leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to his mouth, the touch subtle and almost appearing innocent in its nature. It was one of those kisses that were more than a simple act of affection, a kiss that said ‘thank you for being with me, for loving me, for putting up with me’, the gesture much deeper than it might have looked on the surface.
“I love you,” Jonghyun whispered at last, lips moving to press another kiss onto his forehead, the faintest smile becoming visible on Jinki’s lips as his fingers glided over the shell of the other’s ear.
“I love you, too.”