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Days like this were the hardest for Yuta. Days where he just wanted to disappear. Never to be seen again.
He knew he couldn't do that though. People would be sad if he did that, and Yuta could never make anybody sad. That's why nobody knows his secrets. Nobody knows why his fingers are red or why he constantly has cuts everywhere. Why he never puts on weight. The reason why not a single soul knows the sound of his cries. Nobody knows who he really is.
Yuta is currently in a hotel room with some of the members. Laughing when they are laughing. Talking when necessary. None of it real though. Everything is done to hide his true feelings.
Yuta doesn't even know which members are in his room. He is too deep in his own thoughts to care. Too deep in his own scary world.
It isn't before the door closes and Hansol says his name he notices the rest have left. He doesn't care though. He knows he said goodbye without even trying, like he always does. Hansol says his name again and this time Yuta smiles. A huge smile. The smile everybody loves. The fake smile.
Hansol smiles back. Yuta personally likes Hansol's smile more than his own, but he never said that. If he said that people would think he doubts himself, and people can't think that. People can't come that close to the truth.
"We should sleep." Yuta says the words as if nothing is wrong. By we he means Hansol. He wants Hansol to sleep so he can do the ritual he does every night he feels like this. The ritual that makes the cuts come and the weight go away. The ritual that hurts, but feels good at the same time.
Hansol only nods at his words and walks to the bathroom. Yuta quickly follows. He knew he had to do that. He knew he had to act as he normally does. And normally he and Hansol gets ready for bed together.
They don't talk much as they stand in the bathroom. Just the normal stuff. The lies Yuta knows by heart. How wonderful his day was, how he is excited for the next. The things everybody wants to hear. The things Yuta wants to be true, but they're not.
Goodnights are exchanged as they go to bed. Yuta wants to go and cuddle with Hansol, but if he did that he would have to explain like last time. Last time he could put it on nerves, but today he can't do that. He can't get away with that again. He knew that. So instead he laid in his bed and waited for Hansol to fall asleep. Fall asleep so he could do his ritual.
Yuta knows Hansol falls asleep fast. He knows he doesn't have to wait long. So while he waits he thinks about how he would have reacted if Yuta told him everything.
If he told him about the reason behind his cuts. The reason behind his red fingers. The same reason as the rest. His depression. His deep rooted depression. He knew he would never do that. In his 2 years of having it he hasn't told anybody. Not even the doctor. He wishes he could master the courage to tell the doctor. So he could get some pills, but he would never be able to do that.
When Hansol's breath sounds calmer than normal he stands up. Getting his mind and body ready. The tears are already forming in his eyes as he looks at the sleeping body in front of him. He wished he could be asleep like him right now, but he can't. He has to do the ritual. He has to do it as every other night like this.
He slowly makes his way to the bathroom, making sure not to wake up Hansol. He doesn't turn the lights on until he has closed the door behind him. His heart beats a little faster when he notices the door doesn't have a lock. He just had to make sure not to wake anybody up then. Not to wake Hansol up.
Yuta goes over to the toilet first. He opens it up and crouches down. Ready to get it over with. He has tears streaming down his face now, but that's normal.
Something that isn't normal is for him to make sounds as he cries. He never did that when he cried like this. If he cried in front of somebody he would make sounds by will. He would make sounds so people thought he was a loud crier. So they would never suspect him sitting on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night like this.
He doesn't think much of it as he puts his fingers down his throat. Just far enough to make him gag. Not enough to make him feel better though. Not hardly enough. He does it one more time. This time even deeper. He hurriedly takes his fingers out as he feels the food from earlier come up. Does watermelon and water even count as food? Yuta thinks as he sees it in the toilet.
He does it again and again until his throat feels like it's burning. The feeling he loves and hates so much at the same time. He knows the next step of his ritual. The only problem is he didn't think he would have a day like this in a foreign country. He doesn't have anything to do it with.
Yuta quickly opens Hansol's toiletries bag to see if he has anything. He takes out his toothbrush, still wet from earlier. There is nothing of use under it. Yuta opens another pocket. He doesn't even need to look twice to see what he needs. Hansol's razor. It's perfect.
He puts down the toilet lid again and sits on it. He knows he has to wait with flushing until he is done or he might wake somebody up. If he wakes somebody up they will wonder, why he takes so long and they will check on him.
One line at a time he goes in. Some of them he does in areas he always does, and some completely new. It isn't painful. Yuta knows that. He has done it too many times for it to be painful. His tears are still streaming even though he doesn't feel any pain. That's normal. That happens every time.
He only does ten lines today. Scared he will have too much blood loss and pass out. Scared Hansol will find him in the bathroom with blood everywhere. He doesn't want to burden Hansol like that.
When Yuta is about to flush the toilet he hears footsteps. That isn't normal. His heart starts to beat again. He is still bleeding and can definitely not make it stop before the person walking outside comes into the bathroom. He knows who the person is of course. It's his best friend. Hansol. The worst person to see him like this.
Yuta hurries around the bathroom to clean up his mess. He wipes the floor clean of the irony red liquid. He throws the paper in the toilet. He cleans the bloody razor. Hansol's razor and puts it back in his bag. He washes his cuts with water. Blood and water blending together as it runs down his arm. Each cut stinging, but he doesn't care. The tears disappearing with the blood. All he cares about is the footsteps have stopped now and he knows why. The person is outside the bathroom.
When he finally stopped bleeding he flushes the toilet and pulls his sweater arm down again. Like nothing happened. He knows that if Hansol is to touch the arm it will bleed again. As if it never stopped.
Hansol knocks on the door. Asking if Yuta is okay. He wants to say no, but he says a yes. He would have gotten away with it if it weren't for his voice breaking. Hansol sighed outside the door. Not saying a word as he opens it.
"Don't lie." It's the first time Yuta has ever been accused of lying. He feels weird. He wants to fall to his knees and cry to Hansol, but he knows he can't. He can never do that.
"I'm not lying. I'm completely fine." Yuta smiles his big smile again. It even reaches his eyes, but this time Hansol doesn't smile back. He looks Yuta straight in the eyes and steps towards him. Getting rid of any space between them.
"I'm not stupid Yuta. You have blood red eyes. Your hand is still wet and your fingers are redder than before. I know your secrets Yuta." He doesn't believe him. Yuta can't believe him. How could he have known. He has hidden it from everybody for years. Nobody can know.
This time Yuta doesn't stop himself. He breaks down crying. Hansol takes him into a hug and say sweet nothings into his ears. It doesn't help him stop crying. It only makes him cry more. He had worked so hard for Hansol not to know and here he is and knows everything. He failed.
"I failed." Hansol stops talking at Yuta's words. He doesn't pull away his body, but his head. He looks at Yuta for a long time. Yuta doesn't need to explain. He can see it in Hansol's eyes that he knows what he means.
"You haven't. When I went through what you are going through I didn't tell anyone, and it broke me. I was in the hospital for a month because I overdosed." Hansol went through the same as him? He was depressed too? Yuta doesn't want it to be true, but he knows it is, because Hansol would never lie. "The day I met you, you were happy. Your eyes were sparkling and you pulled me back completely. I guess you got my depression. I noticed it from the beginning. You would answer the same thing all the time. You would laugh when everybody else did. You were too normal. Too perfect." Yuta doesn't know what to do. His perfect plan was too perfect.
"I didn't know you knew. I'm sorry." His voice breaks multiple times during his sentence, but he makes it through. Hansol only shakes his head at his words.
"Don't be sorry Yuta. I knew and I tried to help quietly. I took away your razors sometimes. Took them out of your luggage whenever we were travelling. I fed you my food whenever your fingers were red. I just didn't do enough, but from now on I'm going to do enough." Yuta smiles a real smile for the first time in forever. He had somebody that cared for him. He had somebody to talk to and that's what he did. He told Hansol everything. It wasn't before 5 in the morning that they went to bed. This time really best friends, not just fake ones. Not just friends that watch TV together, but friends that talk together.
Yuta cuddled with Hansol this time. He warned Hansol that he would do that often. Every night actually. Hansol laughed at that. Saying it was a dream come true.
When Yuta fell asleep that night he knew he had started a way to recovery. A way to a better life. All because of the most lovable person he had ever met. Ji Hansol.