Work Text:
"Hey babe it's me, I just wanted to call to tell you that
I love you so so so so much,
Just wanted to let you know that you are my princess,
You are worthy of all of the love in the world,
You are the love of my life."
My heart melted at the sound of his voice and I couldn't help but smile a little. I wiped my damp cheeks as I restarted the message, not only once, but multiple times.
That was his last voicemail to me. It'll be his last ever voicemail to me.
I shook the thought away and looked down at my phone. With a long and shaky breath, I finally dialed his phone number to call him. I could hear the soft ringing from my phone as I hesitantly brought it up to my ear. The last ring echoed through my phone and it was sent to voicemail.
"Hey, it's Justin. I'm either not available right now or just missed your call. Don't worry, I'll get back to you! So... Leave a message after the beep."
Beeep.
For some crazy reason, I expected him to answer the call. I mean, he always did before... Just reflecting on the fact that he won't answer my calls made me think back on the time when we were in our happiest moments. Those moments when my phone would blow up with text messages or calls and I just knew that they were all from him. And when we'd be with each other in person, we'd forget all about our generation's new technology that has isolated everyone apart from each other.
After a few seconds of listening to the silence on the other end of the line, I decided to speak up.
"Justin," I speak up, breathless. "I remember those times where... You'd send me these sweet, loving voicemails. I would listen to all of them and love the sound of your voice when you spoke those words. They sounded so sincere. Most of the time, they were just morning voicemails to wake me up. You knew me so well. Well enough to know that I'd always sleep through my alarm clocks." I laughed.
I spotted my alarm clock beside my bed and rolled my eyes at it. I don't even know why I haven't thrown it out yet.
"No matter what I did, I'd always sleep through it. Although, you always had my back and you'd wake me up in the morning. You were my favourite alarm clock." I smiled and looked down at my fingers. "It's funny because I would sometimes miss your morning calls most of the time. Though, after waking up, I would listen to your short messages while getting ready in the morning. And honestly, despite my inevitable cranky behaviour in the morning, you would make waking up early worth it." I confessed.
"Not only did I love your morning calls but I also loved your night messages. They would mostly be just you wishing me a good night and to have sweet dreams, but I just loved hearing them. Listening to your voice the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night soon became a routine. I'll always miss that." I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat but it wouldn't go away. I took a deep breath and stared at the blank wall in front of me. "Goodbye, Justin."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I grunted and looked around my room for a release. I just had a horrible day and I want nothing but to just relax. I sighed and took off my shirt and frowned at the stain that I split on myself today. I guess it dried throughout the day and my efforts of getting it off or camouflaging it has failed.
Amazing!
I sighed and threw it into my laundry basket. I opened my closet and searched through my clothes. Hanger after hanger, I flipped through my tops like a book but stopped until I reached a familiar hoodie. A hoodie that wasn't mine.
I froze just as I saw it and instantly knew what it was as I reached out for it and felt the soft fabric. A fake smile settled onto my face. Yes, I'm even surprised that I project insincere smiles while no one else is around me to fall for it. I don't know whether it's for myself or him.
I quickly put it on around me and was completely comforted by its warmth and closed my eyes as I inhaled his scent that was still on it. "Justin." I whispered and the dark feeling smothered me. I felt my neck tighten like usual when I thought of him along with my eyes brimming.
Instantly, I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Justin's number on speed dial. My eyes watered further and I listened in on the rings through the phone. I made myself comfortable on my bean bag in my room.
"Hey, it's Justin. I'm either not available right now or just missed your call. Don't worry, I'll get back to you! So... Leave a message after the beep."
I bit my lip. He didn't answer again. I should get used to it.
Beeep.
"Hi, Justin." I started out, wiping my eyes with the sleeve. I sighed before continuing, "I finally found your hoodie. I should've known that you hid it somewhere that's totally normal. It's unfair that I found it now that you're not here. But... I wanted to open it with you. So..."
I took a deep breath and searched the folded sleeves. Nothing. Next, the hood. Nope, nada. And finally, the actual place that I should've searched first, the pockets. I'm an idiot. The right one had nothing in it but in the left one, I felt a hard small object and pulled it out of the pocket.
I giggled, observing the colourful box with small writing on it. "Justin, what is this?" I shook my head at my silly boyfriend and flicked the minuscule lock. I slowly flipped the lid and gasped at the beautiful sight in front of me. "Oh my gosh." I whispered, not even sure if my voice could be hear in the recorded voicemail.
Inside the box, I could find a small silver ring that had many tiny diamonds on it. I also noticed a few words engraved on the inside. "This I promise you..." were the words.
"A promise ring? Justin..." I sniffed, a few tears brimming my eyes. "What's your promise?"
I poked the small pillow that the ring was laying upon and also lifting it up, finding a colourful letter under it. I rose an eyebrow and noticed the few words written on it with a purple ink.
"This I promise you... To kiss you every morning and night. I'll always love you with all my heart and treat you like you're my world" I read it out loud.
I smiled, putting the ring on. "Thank you, Justin. It's not much of a promise because you always used to treat me that way." I giggled, thinking back on our dates as I admired the ring a little more. "Well, my promise is... To always love you. I'll never forget you." I stated and kissed the ring, imagining them to be his lips instead.
I took a deep breath. "Goodbye, Justin."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I ran inside my apartment and locked the door behind me, biting my lip to try and stop my face from falling off my face because of how big my smile was. I was hurrying home because something exciting happened to me today and I couldn't wait to tell Justin.
"Hey, it's Justin. I'm either not available right now or just missed your call. Don't worry, I'll get back to you! So... Leave a message after the beep."
Beeeep
"Justin!" I squealed and took a seat on my couch. I bit my finger this time and sighed with glee. "I met someone. A boy someone." I emphasized. "He's sweet, he's cute, funny and adorable. He reminds me of you. That's probably why he caught my eye."
I smiled at the thought of how similar they are.
"We met at school. He almost spilled his coffee on me but I dodged it. He apologized and we started talking. He's something."
Suddenly, in came my roomate, looking in distress. Taylor gave me a glare and tried to fix her hair. "Really, Selena? You let that guy drop you home and you just left me stranded? I started running after his car but I never caught up. And just my luck! It started to rain and blow like crazy! Nice." She told me sarcastically after scolding me.
"Sorry, Tay." I bit my lip. Woopsy daisy.
"Ugh." She rolled her eyes at me and took off her jacket and noticed that I was on the phone. "Who are you talking to anyway?" My blonde roomate asked as she looked for a drink.
"Uhh..." Should I tell her? I mean, she is my best friend and she wouldn't judge me, right? "I'm... It's Justin."
She snorted. "What do you mean you're talking to Justin. That's impossible."
"I'm not actually calling him. I'm just talking to him through voicemail." I told her, going back to my discussion with Justin. "So anyways, he's really nice and-"
"Are you okay? Are you going crazy? Do I need to get you some help?" Her eyes widened as she realized that I was going to continue talking to him. Okay... Maybe I was wrong.
I sighed and decided to end the message. "Bye, Justin." I clicked my phone off and looked up at her. She had a confusion spread onto her face. "Listen, I know it's weird and it's not like he'll ever pick up the phone to talk to me. I know... He left me." I said sadly. She gave me a sympathetic look and put her drink down. "But... It's the only way that I can speak to him again. I feel connected to him in a weird way." She gave me a sad smile and gave me a hug. "It's also the only way I can hear his voice again. All I have now is his voicemail and the only phone message that I have left."
She smiled and shook her head. "I make such weird friends. But this is actually quite cute. And depressing." Taylor joked, kissing my forehead. "So, go along then, talk to your lover boy." She gave me another sad glance and walked away.
I smiled as she left and called him back again and started off where I left off with my message- - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Hey, it's Justin. I'm either not available right now or just missed your call. Don't worry, I'll get back to you! So... Leave a message after the beep."
Beeep
"Hey, Justin..." I sighed, laying my head on my pillow and felt the exhaustion settle into me. "So... It's been a while since I've tried to call you. Six months to be exact. I don't know if it's because I just gave up or because Stephen was distracting me from you. But whatever it was, it worked in making me forget about you. I don't know if I actually wanted to forget you but I was just really... Depressed when you left me. So, Stephen was one of the only things that kind of made me happy in life. Or so I thought..." I trailed off.
I saw Taylor pass by my door, giggling uncontrollably as she entered her room with her new curly haired boyfriend. She seemed so in love with him and I'm really happy for her. He wrapped his arms around her before closing the door with his foot. I looked away and took a deep breath before continuing.
"I love him, Justin. Or at least I thought I did. Honestly, the relationship felt so rushed. So forced. Our very first kiss was on our second date. The first time I told him that I loved him, we were only dating for a month. I knew that didn't mean it but I said it anyways. Honestly, being with him just made me miss you more. Also, I just came back from a party at Demi's and I caught him kissing another girl. Do you know how that made me feel?" I rolled my eyes at the memory. "Nothing. Not even a tiny sliver of melancholy. I felt similar whenever we kissed too. I should've known by then that it wouldn't work out with him." I admitted with a shake of my head.
In opposition, when I kissed Justin, I would feel tingles all over my body and as if fireworks were going off. It sounds totally cliche but I can't find another way of defining it. Even just the thought of being held in his arms filled me with an amazing feeling.
"I don't know if I was trying to replace you or something... But I now know that I can never do such a thing." I sighed, laying on my bed and settling my head on my pillow. "I know you told me that I should move on. I will get to that... eventually. But I think that I shouldn't move on with the goal of replacing you. I don't think that'll ever happen."
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The next day, I woke up at one in the afternoon and looked around in confusion. Memories of last night raced back to find me.
"Oh." I snorted at myself. I spent nearly the whole night talking to Justin. I don't even remember falling asleep!
I reached for my phone and tried to open it to check if I had received any text messages or notifications but all I saw was a black screen and my own reflection through my phone's dark screen.
"Shoot. No more battery." I huffed and searched for my charger in on my shelves.
"Ah, finally! Sleeping Beauty's awake!" I heard Taylor's voice invade me in my room. I gave her a small smile before proceeding my search for my charger. I heard my best friend's footsteps come into my room and my bed quietly creak as she sat on it. "Who were you talking to last night, anyway?" She asked curiously.
I froze and my eyes widened. Oops. I looked up at her through my mirror. "You heard me?" I blushed, finally finding my charger and went to plug it in and try to get rid of the red on my cheeks.
"Yes! We both did!" Taylor told me.
I looked up at her. "Your boyfriend heard me too?" Ugh, my morning — well, afternoon — is off to a great start then.
"Yeah! We were cuddling together and we were both waiting to have our peace and quiet but your rambling went on and on for the longest time." She said with a teasing tone and giggled. "He even asked me if you were schizophrenic."
I facepalmed. "No! He didn't!" I put my hands on my face in embarrassment.
She laughed and offered me a shrug. "Who were you talking to anyway? I thought Stephen slept in early."
I took a deep breath and turned to face her. "Nope." I shook my head and looked down at the ground. "It was actually... Justin. I was talking to Justin."
She stared back at me for a while. Her blue eyes seemingly thinking that I was joking at first but she then realizing that I was in fact not. "Maybe you are schizophrenic."
I looked up at her and gave her a sad look. "I know, I know... It's crazy that I still try to reach out for him."
"Sel, it's almost been a year since you've been doing this? I thought you promised to stop!" She half yelled at me. I saw the frustration on her face and I was feeling betrayed that she would even be frustrated at my behaviour.
"Well, it's not like I can stop! You know that I've had a rough time dealing with this. You know what, come back to me when you can think of an ex that you haven't had difficulty to get over." I bit my lip to try and stop myself from getting choked up.
"I thought you were over him! Don't you have Stephen?" She asked.
"I broke up with him last night!" I huffed.
"What? Why?" Taylor gasped, sympathy replacing her previous angry expression.
"He cheated on me. And I just... I didn't love him because I'm still in love with Justin." I told her with a croaky voice.
"You see, this is why I wanted you to stop. I pretended to be okay with it at the start because I though that it would help you to get over him. But it isn't helping you at all." The blonde told me in exasperation.
"Well, either way I wouldn't succeed in getting over him! Every guy I see, meet or even speak to somehow makes me think of him. I want to get over him but I don't know how!"
"This is really unhealthy, Selena. It's only making you hurt a lot more. This is just you trying to hold on to something that's already gone." Her words hit me right in the heart. I looked at her angrily as tears began to flood my eyes. "Just stop being in denial and let this all go before it breaks you!" She gave me a sad look even though her voice sounded aggressive. "He's never coming back to you, Selena."
"St-Stop it." I breathed in a shaky breath.
"He's never coming back and just calling him like this-" She huffed, grabbing my phone and shaking it in her hand. "Will only give you false hope that he will. I honestly feel for you, Sel. I saw how happy you were with him and I also wish that he could come back to you. But that's only wishful thinking... You have to face the truth."
I shook my head at her words and hugged myself in an attempt to calm myself down. "No, I don't want to face the truth. What's wrong with living in my own little fantasy? Can't I just live in my own fairytale for a little bit longer?" I begged, getting more and more choked up by the second.
She put a hand on her waist. "It's been a year." She repeated and it seemed like she was struck with realization. "Where is his phone anyway if nobody's using it? You have it don't you?" Taylor sighed as she asked me.
My head faced to the floor in shame with tears streaming down my cheeks as I handed her Justin's phone that was hidden inside my jewelry box. She gave me a sympathetic look as she searched though it, noticing just how many voicemails I've left for him.
"H-How is it still working? Have you been paying for his phone plan this whole time." She asked in surprise.
I shrugged and wiped my cheeks as I crossed my arms tightly in front of my chest. "His voicemail was the only way I could ever hear his voice again."
Taylor took a deep breath as she gave me another sympathetic glance and wrapped her arms around me in an embrace. She rubbed my back to comfort me while I continued to cry on her shoulder.
"I'm going to help you." I heard her soft voice whisper.
"H-How?" I mumbled into her shoulder.
"I think all you need is closure." My best friend stated as she pulled back from the hug, holding me by shoulders and looking at me straight in the eye. "I mean, it's pretty obvious that you just refused to believe in the truth for a very long time. You had no closure whatsoever. No goodbye..." She gave me a sad smile and seemed hesitant with asking her next question. "Did you even go to his funeral?"
I choked up again, the word sending a dark, cold and heartwrenching feeling inside me. "No..."
I just couldn't be there that day. I couldn't. Me attending the event would just signify that I accepted the fact that he was gone. And I obviously wasn't. I just couldn't believe it, that he left us. That he left me. That he was... Dead.
My neck began to tighten and I tried to swallow hard to resist from breaking down. I knew that if I started, I wouldn't stop crying.
"I'll help you. Starting tomorrow. We're going to get rid of this phone and give you some closure." Taylor's voice invaded my train of depressing thoughts and I nodded even though I was barely paying attention.
"Thank you." I gave her a weak appreciative smile.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Are you sure you don't want us to come with you?" Taylor asked as she parked her small vehicle in from of the cemetery.
It only took us half an hour for us to get here but it felt like hours for me. I feel like I'm going to meet my fate somehow, which is weird. I'm just doing something that I should've done a long time ago, not walking up to my own death.
I shook my head in response as I looked up at all the tombstones that made my stomach churn. "I'm fine." I told them but my voice betrayed me. I sighed, shutting my eyes and leaning back on my chair.
"Are you sure? You don't look fine." Taylor fretted.
"No, I'm fine. I just... I need a little more time to prepare myself." I confessed, breathing in deeply.
"You can do it. Everything's gonna be alright." Taylor's silvery voice encouraged.
I nodded and unbuckled my seat belt slowly. But before I could open the door, I felt a light tap on my shoulder.
"Wait. Here." Harry's husky voice spoke out to me.
I turned to face him as he handed me an unopened tissue box. I gave him a small smile. "Thanks."
"Good luck." They both told me with encouraging smiles.
I took a deep breath and slowly walked past the various tombs that surrounded me. As odd as it sounds, cemeteries always make me feel sad rather than scared. I wouldn't think of zombies or ghosts wandering around in these types of places, which most people would. I would just think of the souls of each and every person that used to have a body, which was burried underneath the ground. I would always wonder what their life was like; if they were happy, if they were sad, have they ever been in love? I glanced over to the section with tiny graves for the people who've died way too early. And what about the young lives of those who didn't even get the chance to live? What happened to them? What happened to those who loved them.
Soon enough, I found my way to Justin's grave. I was a mile away but I just knew it was his. I froze in place but took cautious steps towards it as I felt myself start to choke up. You can do this, Selena. You can do this.
I finally reached his grave and felt even more emotional that I thought I would ever be on this day as I looked at his grave. I never thought that a simple object and simple words could cause me so much pain.
"Justin Drew Bieber
March 1, 1994 - April 8, 2015
Beloved.
His last words: Please tell her that I love her."
I fell to my knees on the floor as the tears streamed down my face. "I'm so sorry I didn't go to your funeral. I really should've been there." I cried, sitting down on the floor as I wiped my face. "But I love you too." I whispered, kissing my fingers and then touching my fingers on the tomb.
"Honestly, I love you and I always will. I've been trying to hold onto you for so long but I know that you're gone now." I sighed, staring at the ground in front of his tomb. I knew that he was under the ground at that moment so I layed my palm on the floor as I continued to speak. "I've finally accepted it even though I really don't want to. I wish that we can both live forever so we could be together. I miss your smiles, you kisses, your hugs... I just want you back." I sobbed, tears continuing to slip down my cheeks."But... It's time for me to let you go." I spoke the dreadful words.
I took a deep breath and stood up, taking more tissues to wipe my face and took out the special object from my pocket. "Maybe when I die, I might see you again. I hope I do. But this is goodbye... For now." I sighed and looked at Justin's cell phone in my hand, the screen reflecting the sun's rays. I squeezed it in my hand one last time before setting it down on the ground right in front of his grave.
"Goodbye, Justin." I said, putting my hands in my pockets and turning away. With every step I took, I just wanted to go back, to have him beside me. All the old memories were flashing through my mind as I continued to walk away and I just couldn't stop crying.
If I could just talk to him one more time, I would tell him everything I didn't say. I would tell him that I love him.
I grabbed my cell phone in a rush and dialed his number, turning to face his tomb which I can hardly see because my eyes were blurred by tears. For a second, I thought I heard him pick up but I should've known that it wasn't him.
"We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again."