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The early morning sun shone in through the window of the inn room the Dragonborn, also known as “Sombra”, shared with her newly wedded wife, the famous Conjurer Satya Vaswani. Sombra sighed peacefully as she watched her wife sleeping next to her, the sunlight kissing her long gorgeous mane of raven colored hair that fell down around her shoulders and...
Wait, Sombra just remembered they were in Solitude—The Winking Skeever Inn, to be exact. She didn't like the name. She hated skeevers with a passion. Too many bad experiences with the little rodents.
Anyway, Solitude. Awesome. Today, she could fulfill a personal dream of hers.
Satya finally stirred beside her.
“Babe, I want to join the Bards College!” Sombra proclaimed as soon as her wife woke from her sleep and laid her golden eyes upon her.
“Why? You can neither sing nor play a musical instrument,” Satya mumbled, still sounding sleepy.
Sombra sat up in bed and shrugged. “I don't know. Anyone can join, right? And we're here so, why not?”
Satya sighed, “You think I would be used to this by now. Chasing after these tasks with no purpose.”
“Well, think of it this way. There's probably a bunch of people in the Bards College who need help with a quest or whatever so...our purpose will be helping some of the lovely people in Solitude. Making Skyrim a better place!”
Satya smiled up at her, “Alright, Sombra. We'll go to the Bards College after breakfast.”
Sombra kissed her wife on the lips, “Thanks, Satya!”
The Bards College was a pretty cool looking building, Sombra had to admit. She knew her wife loved studying architecture so they sat together outside the College on a bench for awhile, admiring the scenery. Well, Sombra technically spent most of the time admiring Satya.
When Satya was ready, they finally entered the Bards College It was crowded with a lot of people inside talking to each other...and music. Lots of loud and really bad music. Some of the bards were still in training, it seemed. Sombra could barely hear herself think. They walked further inside the building before an elderly man greeted her.
“Name?” He yelled the question at her.
“I'm Sombra. This is Satya.” She yelled over the music and pointed at her wife standing next to her. “I'm looking to join your College here.”
“Talk to Fareeha over there,” the man pointed towards the stage on the far side of the room. Sombra followed his finger and immediately saw a woman dressed in dark plate armor playing a lute. Her style was very animated. At first, she would swing her arm high in the air each time she strummed the lute. Next, she switched to shorter strokes while hopping up and down, nodding her head rapidly. Sombra never saw anyone play a lute like that.
“You don't mean that woman jumping around like an idiot over there?” Sombra asked him, “Please tell me you don't.”
He smiled, “Yeah, that's her for sure. I think she has a quest in need of doing.”
“Great. Thanks.” Sombra leaned closer to Satya and whispered in her ear, “I have a bad feeling about this one.”
Satya laughed, “You were the one so eager to join the Bards College, remember? Oh, and you wanted to help the lovely people of Solitude.”
“Okay, I see your point. I'll give her a chance. What could possibly go wrong, really?”
They approached the woman together and stopped just a few feet before her. She didn't notice them and continued jumping around like a fool. Satya attempted to get her attention by clearing her throat. Sombra started waving both hands frantically in the air. She stopped playing her lute and looked over at them with an annoyed expression.
“Hey, are you Fareeha?” Sombra asked.
“I am. But you can call me 'Pharah'. It's my stage name,” the bard replied.
Sombra didn't understand why she picked a stage name that sounded almost like her real name. This woman was really bizarre. I guess that's to be expected from the 'artistic' types. They're usually pretty far out there.
“Okay, Pharah. I heard you were the one I needed to see about joining the Bards College.”
“Can you sing? Play an instrument?” Pharah asked.
“Well, not really but...”
Satya interrupted, “She has zero musical talent and no desire to learn to play even the simplest instrument. By allowing her to enroll in your College, she'll contribute literally nothing towards expanding your roster of bardic talent. However, she really wants to join so just go with it.”
“Okay...” Pharah still looked doubtful but it seemed Satya convinced her. “Well, I do have this quest I need help with. I'm looking for King Olaf's Verse. It's an old poem written on a scroll located in some dangerous tomb somewhere southwest of Markarth. I don't want to leave it all up to you two so I'll travel with you to aid in your quest to kill whatever is living in there...or unliving in there.”
Sombra looked over at Satya, “So, what do you think? Seems simple enough.”
“I'm always willing to support the arts,” Satya replied.
Sombra smiled at Pharah, “That's a yes, then. Let's head out. It's a pretty long trip.”
“I don't know why you say that when you know I'll just portal us to Markarth,” Satya reminded her.
“Honey, I don't want everyone knowing about your spell that can instantly teleport us to any location in Skyrim as long as we've already been there,” Sombra kept her voice low so others in the room couldn't hear.
“Don't worry, I won't abuse your trust or your portals,” Pharah assured them. She reached behind the stage and picked up a large wooden bow. “Ready?”
“Wait, you're an archer?” Sombra asked.
“Yes,” Pharah answered, looking confused why someone would ask her such a stupid question.
“Yeah, but you wear heavy plate armor. That makes no sense for a stealthy archer type.”
“Why? This is made of ebony. It's some of the strongest armor you can wear. It keeps me safe from all kinds of attacks,” Pharah explained defensively.
Sombra looked incredulously at Satya who simply shrugged.
“Alright, let's get this over with.”
Sombra loved stealth. It was the only way to approach fighting her enemies throughout Skyrim, as far as she was concerned. Satya made for a great traveling companion in that regard. She was light on her feet and the creatures she summoned helped distract their enemies so Sombra could do her sneaking thing more easily.
But this Farareeah (however you say her name) woman...oh man, she was the antithesis of stealth fighting. It wasn't just the fact that she wore a full suit of plate mail. Of course, it was loud and made sneaking hard but that wasn't the worst part. When out of combat, she played her damn lute non-stop and enemies could likely hear them coming from a mile away. During combat, she stopped playing the lute but yelled shit about “justice” the whole time. But even then, this wasn't so bad. Her theatrics could pose as a distraction to the enemies allowing Sombra to sneak around and do her thing. The only problem: the bard's freaking arrows exploded on impact, usually killing most enemies in the area afterwards. Sombra's whole game of sneaking up behind an enemy to administer a swift stab in the back was pretty much shot to hell—literally. She couldn't possibly get into position behind an enemy in time, and if she did...boom, she'd be toast along with the bandits or skeletons or whatever.
It frustrated Sombra since using these exploding arrows took no skill while stealth took loads of skill. Satya didn't mind, as she was happy the fights ended quickly without placing them in much danger.
“Seriously? Come on. Will you let me kill something? I'll show you how to do it using real skill.” Sombra cried out in frustration after Pharah killed all the skeletons in the first room of the tomb they discovered near Markarth. Allegedly, this place held the scroll they searched for.
“Real skill? You speak as if your dagger doesn't hold some ridiculous enchantment that allows you to one-shot almost anything in Skyrim, minus the most powerful of dragons,” Pharah argued.
“Maybe so.” Sombra waved her ridiculously enchanted dagger in the air in front of her. “But the sneaking to get in position to one-shot takes skill. I practiced a lot, okay.”
“She's not lying. Trust me,” Satya added in her defense. That was one great thing about having a wife—she backed you up in all your stupid arguments with loud, pompous, obnoxious ass bards. You know, typical Dragonborn problems.
“Yeah, you got the skills but I get the kills,” Pharah smirked and Sombra groaned. “Let's just go into the next room. I'll even let you sneak in first.”
She better not be patronizing me. No, she totally is, Sombra thought to herself. She decided right then and there that she hated bards. Why did she want to join their damn College again?
“Okay, but no lute playing. Just don't move at all,” Sombra ordered the bard. She sheathed her dagger and crouched low to the ground, slowly sneaking into the next room. Nothing hostile in the room and a large sarcophagus sat in the middle. She reported her findings to the others.
“The scroll should be in a sarcophagus. I think we found it!” Pharah cried out in excitement. She played a song on her lute to celebrate.
“Shh...could you keep it down? We don't know if anything dangerous is lurking deeper in this tomb.”
Pharah glared at Sombra but slung the lute over her shoulder. They all entered the adjacent room and Pharah slowly pulled off the lid to the sarcophagus. Sombra desperately hoped nothing jumped out at them.
Turns out, nothing jumped out at them, since there was absolutely nothing in the sarcophagus to jump out at them. No scroll...nothing.
“This makes no sense. It should be here somewhere,” Pharah frantically looked over her map. “Oh wait, oh shit...”
“I don't like the sound of that,” Satya sighed.
Pharah continued, “The scroll is in a tomb southwest of Morthal, not Markarth. Sorry, I always get them confused. They both begin with an 'M', right?” Pharah laughed nervously, trying to ease the hard feelings over her fuck up.
“I know. How dare the people of Skyrim name two towns that begin with the same letter!” Sombra replied sarcastically.
“I can have a portal ready soon so we can all travel to Morthal,” Satya suggested. She was always so helpful.
However, Sombra really didn't want to go to that particular area south of Morthal. She had a real nasty run in with an extremely powerful vampire shortly after beginning her adventuring days. Of course, she was really weak back then and now she's much more powerful and has help but...it was scary. She almost died. Luckily, she had an invisibility potion in her bag.
“Oh no, Satya, we're not going to Morthal,” Sombra replied. She turned to Pharah, “We technically completed your quest. Not our fault you mixed up your 'M' towns.”
“You're afraid to go there. You're afraid of her,” Pharah accused her. Damn, she knew somehow. “I've had a few run-ins with that vampire myself. I've hunted her for a few years...unsuccessfully. She's extremely powerful. I always have to run away from her in the end.”
Sombra laughed, “You ran away? In your heavy ass suit of armor? I'd pay to see that!”
Pharah scowled at her.
Good, Sombra thought. She loved pissing the bard off.
“Who is this 'she' you both refer to?” Satya asked.
“The former Comtesse Amélie Lacroix,” Sombra answered. “She's really ancient and powerful. Killed her husband like a thousand years ago as part of a rite to join some weird vampire cult. In my early adventuring days, I accidentally stumbled on one of her hideouts around Morthal. Let's just say I wasn't prepared for that.”
“So, you ran away from her?” Pharah smiled.
“No, I didn't actually. I used an invisibility potion. I slowly crept away from her,” Sombra clarified.
“It doesn't matter how you managed it. You still fled the fight like a coward,” Pharah argued.
Sombra ignored the taunt and changed the subject, “Why the hell were you hunting Lacroix, anyway? Do you have a death wish?”
“To avenge my mother. That accursed creature shot her eye out.”
“I'm sorry. Hey, is your mother dead?” Sombra asked. Now she kind of felt bad for laughing at Pharah earlier.
“No, she survived but she really liked that eye. Also, don't try to change the subject.”
“Why don't we discuss this business with the evil vampire and which one of you is the greater coward outside this tomb?” Satya suggested, sounding slightly irritated.
“Sorry, Satya. That's a good idea, mi amor” Sombra smiled, planting a kiss on her cheek.
Once outside, Satya prepared the portal to Morthal. Sombra double-checked with Pharah again to ensure this would lead them to the right tomb. Pharah double-assured them it would and they all entered the portal.
As to their plans on dealing with the Comtesse? Yeah, they really didn't come up with anything besides hoping she wasn't in that cave today. Plan B was running the hell out of the cave if she was in there.
In spite of their utter lack of a solid plan, Pharah felt confident that today would be the day she avenged her mother's eye. She believed the three of them could kill Lacroix together with teamwork and all that.
Sombra had doubts but would love for that to come true. The rumors say the old vampire was very wealthy and she kept her treasure nearby.
A bunch of treasure and the opportunity to join the Bard's College? What more could Sombra ask for?
To be honest, Satya actually attempted to create a plan with Pharah. Something along the lines of, luring Lacroix into a room using some of her summoned monsters, and then Pharah could rain her exploding arrows all over the trapped vampire.
It sounded like a good plan, but couldn't work. No way.
First, the plan didn't involve Sombra, so there's no way it could work. I mean, she was the Dragonborn, after all. Second, it was naive. Lacroix would never fall for that. She was a really freaking powerful ancient vampire who probably somehow had fire resistance.
Ugh, Sombra still had a bad feeling about all of this.
The worst part, she couldn't use any of her hacks. Satya soon caught on to her little cheats to get by and she promised her wife she would stop using them and do the whole 'legit' adventuring thing.
Damn, why did she do that again?
But if Satya never saw her use them....
No, she valued their marriage and wanted to keep things honest between them...even if it meant they all got turned into a vampire by Lacroix.
There were worse fates. Who doesn't want to live forever?
As the mighty adventuring team exited the portal, they traveled south towards their destiny with the ancient vampire. Satya smiled warmly over at Sombra and reached for her hand, knowing how much her touch reassured her wife. It helped ease the dread Sombra felt as they walked towards the dark, ancient, tomb which likely housed the only enemy she failed to defeat.
Unfortunately, once they reached the tomb, that cold dread shot another hole through her heart. The outside of the tomb was uncharacteristically quiet. These things usually had a bunch of skeletons or bandits outside, partying or whatever they do for fun. But no one was around. That was a bad sign.
Lacroix had to be inside.
“Shit, this is bad,” Sombra broke the tense silence outside the entrance to the tomb.
“Scout inside and tell us if she's in there,” Pharah replied.
“By myself? You've got to be kidding?”
“You're the stealth expert, remember?”
Right, she could do this.
Satya gave her another smile and began preparing her summons.
Sombra crouched low at the door and pressed the lever near the entrance. It slowly opened, revealing a large, dust filled antechamber which led into the main tomb area. Sombra carefully crept into the room, leaving Pharah and Satya outside. She heard the bard preparing her arrows while Satya corralled her summoned dremora.
Sombra searched the first room, finding nothing but dust and a few broken urns that had fallen from their shelves. She returned to the door to inform the others the first room was clear.
Satya, her creepy-ass demony friends, and Pharah all advanced with her into the antechamber. Sombra again assumed a stealthy position and entered the long, dark, probably spider infested hallway which led into the main room. Hopefully this room contained a sarcophagus with the King Olaf's Verse scroll within and not an evil, super rich vampire.
Sombra slowly approached the doorway to the huge tomb room, stepping over and on a few spiders along the way. They made a disgusting crunch underneath her boot.
Yuck.
She kind of missed the really huge spiders she used to practice her stealth on. At least you could see those things and avoid crunching them with your feet.
When she finally peeked her head around the corner of the doorway leading into the tomb room, she wished she hadn't asked for larger spiders. That damn room was crawling with big ass spiders.
Sombra's eyes scanned the remainder of the room and discovered something far worse than a bunch of giant spiders. She found Comtesse Amélie Lacroix sitting on a towering bone throne located a few meters behind the sarcophagus in the room's center.
Great, as if the vampire wasn't difficult enough to fight on her own, now she had a literal army of spiders at her disposal.
Lacroix began speaking to her spiders in a language Sombra never heard before.
La veuve tisse sa toile.
Sombra remained in the shadows, confident nothing in the room detected her yet. Still, she felt uneasy waiting around the corner with all of that creepy, spider nonsense going on so close to her. She crept away from the door to relay her findings to the others.
“She's in there and spiders! A whole fucking room full of spiders!” Sombra managed to force out when she met up with Satya and Pharah once again.
“What?” Pharah asked, looking as stunned as Sombra felt.
“Dear, calm down and explain what you found,” Satya tried comforting her.
“Lacroix and she has spiders! Spiders!” Sombra pointed frantically towards the hallway she recently exited from.
“Okay, we get that. Spiders and Lacroix. Can you give us any details? The layout of the room?” Pharah asked.
“Sorry, I didn't really check. I was too busy pissing my pantaloons over the evil vampire and her army of big, hairy spiders with fangs and...”
Sombra's sentence remained unfinished. She heard a cry from behind her in the strange language Lacroix used to speak to her spiders.
Ah, je te vois!
Sombra spun around to look down the hallway. Sure enough, the vampire must have heard them. She swiftly approached from halfway down the hallway with a few spiders in tow.
“Okay, we need to run. Now!” Sombra ordered. “She's coming!”
The others didn't question her and turned to run out of the tomb. They ran out into the antechamber. They ran out the front door and continued running up the small hill that led down into the tomb.
A few of Satya's summoned creatures remained to try and stall Lacroix and her spiders. They didn't last very long. Sombra heard the vampire cut them down with ease.
Once at the top of the hill, Sombra turned around to make sure they lost the vampire. In her travels, she found that sometimes, if you just run far enough, the bad guys stop chasing you. They get tired, apparently.
But not this time. The Comtesse still gave chase. Even though she was a vampire and it was still light outside.
It didn't make sense. The vampire had to be hacking. Dammit, that's all they needed. A powerful vampire who cheated.
“We have to stop running and just fight her,” Pharah called from somewhere behind Sombra. She spun around to find the bard, who stood atop the hill with a fiery arrow nocked on her bow.
Pharah pointed the arrow towards Lacroix and her eight legged entourage and fired. The explosion from the arrow surprised the vampire, knocking her down. The spiders all lay dead beside her. The arrow, however, failed to kill Lacriox. She shot back up onto her feet, angrier than ever.
“That one was for my mother's eye!” Pharah shouted and prepared to fire another arrow.
“Yeah, I don't think that's going to work. You're just pissing her off,” Sombra added.
While this scene played out, Satya managed to summon three more powerful storm atronachs. They immediately began attacking the vampire who made quick work of the first one.
“It appears this vampire wears an item granting her strong magical protection. I don't have a spell powerful enough to break the enchantment,” Satya yelled over the din of combat. “If we could break it, one of Pharah's arrows should be powerful enough to finish her. The sunlight would even weaken her.”
Pharah shrugged, “I have nothing we could use.”
The two of them turned to Sombra.
“Well, don't look at me. I'm no mage. I don't... Wait...” Sombra suddenly remembered a Thu'um, or Dragon shout, one of the old dudes wearing grey taught her at the temple in High Hrothgar. This shout in particular was potent enough to remove even the most powerful of magics. She could give it a try, at least.
If only she remembered the proper way to say the phrase. It was in some old ass dragon language that she didn't speak well yet.
Lacroix finished off the last of the atronachs and approached them with a hellish fury written all over her face. Sombra couldn't really blame her. It must get annoying having to deal with adventurers busting into your dark, creepy, tomb all day and interrupting you while your trying to chat up a bunch of giant spiders.
Well, anyway. Here goes nothing!
Sombra went through a couple of quick breathing exercises used to help her prepare her Dragon shouts.
Slow, deep, breaths.
As Lacroix neared Sombra, with fangs bared and claws prepared to rip her to shreds, the Dragonborn set her legs in the ground and braced herself for the coming shout. Before the vampire could touch her, she released all of the dragon magic built up within her.
¡Apagando las luces!
The shout managed to knock everyone over and briefly stunned Lacroix. Soon after, a blood curdling scream escaped the vampire's lungs. The shout must have removed the magic that protected her from the direct sunlight.
“Now it's time to bring justice upon you, foul creature!” Pharah yelled as she readied an explosive arrow to finish off the now weakened vampire.
Before she could take the shot, Lacroix fired some kind of chord from under her ancient armor and used it to fling herself closer to the tomb's entrance. She quickly disappeared inside.
“We should follow and finish her off,” Pharah proclaimed.
“Nah, her magic amulet or whatever is useless now. I kind of feel bad for her. She's all alone in there, hanging out with a bunch of spiders all day. But, hey, maybe I shouldn't judge. Spiders can be great company,” Sombra replied, patting Pharah on the shoulder of her armor.
“But my mother's...”
“Your mother has her other eye, right? I bet it's even nicer than the one she lost. Let's just get the poem and get out of here.”
“I agree with Sombra,” Satya added. “At least you know this vampire can't harm anyone ever again.”
“Fine, let's go,” Pharah agreed.
They entered the tomb again, with the vampire nowhere in sight. Sombra assumed she went to hide in her own coffin deep within the bowels of the structure. The only problem that remained was the room full of spiders. Luckily, it seemed they all left during the commotion. The large room with the sarcophagus was devoid of life when they entered.
Well, only one more thing to do before finally ending this damn quest and getting admitted to the Bard's College. Sombra strode over to the sarcophagus and lifted the lid off. She yelled when she peered inside.
“What is it? What's in there?” Pharah cried out and joined her. The bard looked into the sarcophagus and reacted in a similar fashion to Sombra.
“What's wrong, you two?” Satya called from behind them.
“It's bugs. It's just full of bugs!” Sombra replied, waving her hands in the air.
“Spiders?”
“No, just a bunch of...random bugs.”
“Is the scroll in there at least?”
Pharah answered Satya's question this time, “No. No scroll. It should be here but instead we have bugs.”
“Wonderful,” Satya replied.
“Wait, so no poem. But I got you here, right? Come on, Pharah. That counts for something? You still got to let me into the College.”
“No. No scroll. No entrance.”
“Hey, it's not my fault the coffin's full of bugs.”
“You're an explorer. You still might come across it in your travels. Until I have it, I can't let you in. Sorry.”
“That's...ugh, fine. I'll show you. I'll find the damn scroll. I don't even know if I want in your damn Bard's College anymore. I don't particularly like the first bard I've met.”
Pharah smirked, “You mean old man Darlo, the one you met at the door? What do you have against him? He's a really nice guy.”
Sombra shot the cheeky bard an icy glare.
“You know, dear, these are the kinds of things that will keep occurring if you don't come up with a plan or any sensible reason for your actions before you run off on a quest,” Satya remarked dryly from behind the spell book she was reading.
“I mean, she's not wrong,” Pharah added with a chuckle.
Okay, that was it. Sombra was officially done with bards and wanted nothing to do with their stupid 'College'. What did they even learn there besides how to make a lot of obnoxious noises?
Wait, no. She had a plan.
Pharah might be laughing now but Sombra would have the last laugh.
Bard's College, Solitude. Two days later.
“Hey, Fareeha. How was your quest with the Dragonborn? Did you find the King's verse?” Lúcio asked as he entered her office at the Bard's College wearing a silly feathered hat with a cape over his clothing.
“Hey, man. You can call me 'Pharah' while I'm on duty.”
“Ah yeah, forgot. Stage name,” Lúcio smiled at her warmly. “So, Pharah, how did the mission go?”
“Awful. We didn't find the poem and I missed the chance to avenge my mother's eye. But I'm not sure I want to anymore. I've moved on.”
“Well, that's great news at least,” Lúcio replied and sat down on the other side of her desk. He placed a large, leather bound book in front of her. “I just wanted to congratulate you on bringing the Dragonborn into our College. Her presence here will inspire...”
“Wait, hold on. I didn't admit her to the College. As I said, we never found the poem.”
Lúcio looked at her as if she spoke in dragon language. He then opened the book to a page that contained the names of all the current Bard's College members. Sure enough, the name Sombra appeared at the bottom of the list.
“Well, who added her then?” Lúcio asked.
“I don't know. It's not my handwriting.”
“It's not mine either. And we're the only ones with access to the magical ink to write in the name of a new member.”
“That's just...can you try to remove it?” Pharah asked. She reached into the desk and pulled out a solution of magical anti-ink used to remove inked in names from their roster book.
She handed the solution to Lúcio. He dabbed a few drops over Sombra's name. The page near her name turned wet from the solution but the ink remained.
Sombra. Forever etched onto their roster book.
Pharah sighed, “Damn, what did she do to it? Wait, what if we create another book and burn this one?”
Lúcio laughed, “Or we could just leave it. Her being a member doesn't hurt us. Plus, I have a feeling she'd find a way to add her name to the new one.”
Pharah slammed the book shut, “I know you're right. But it's the principle of the whole thing. Plus, she made fun of my armor.”
Lúcio grinned, “Pharah, man...everyone makes fun of your armor. You never take it off."