Work Text:
It started with a post it note. A purple, square-shaped post it note that had one sentence written on it: ‘ Marry me’. Yixing stares at it in horror, feeling offended by the lack of romantic gesture. There’s a desire to crumple the paper and throw it against Kim Jongdae’s stupid face, but purple is such a pretty color, so he stuffs it inside his pocket for now. He'll throw it out once he's home.
He ignores Jongdae’s insufferable smirk and pays attention to the conversation beside him. His mom is now discussing if they should hold the wedding in Siheung or Changsha. He doesn’t care for either places. If anything, he just want this to be over already. He looks out to the window and sighs forlornly.
Fortunately, the wedding planning goes fast, because both families have been looking forward to this for a long time, possibly since Yixing was born. It started centuries ago, when Jongdae’s family gave shelter to Yixing’s great grandfather. In return, the Kim family has asked for numerous favors, and the debt seemed to never disappear. Recently, the Kims have requested a union of both families, and Yixing suspects it’s just a way for the Kims to keep a tighter rein over the Zhang family. Despite his reluctance and disgust towards the Kim family, he agrees, only for the sake of his beloved grandmother.
Their wedding would have looked beautiful if Yixing was truly in love. It was held near the ocean, where the guests could overlook a beautiful scenery. He has always loved the ocean ever since he was a child, and now , it's associated with thoughts of his marriage — another thing that the Kims have ruined for him.
He can only smile faintly at guests as they greet him, and pretend to care as they wish him congratulations. He’s too distracted in his misery that he doesn’t notice a familiar face approaching him. He’s almost stunned at the presence of his long time friend, until they finally hug and laugh over their emotions.
“I can’t believe it,” Luhan tells him with a wide smile. “The first one to marry. To be blissfully in love.”
“Right,” Yixing can only say, returning the sentiment with a pained smile.
“I always knew you’d beat me,” his friend confirms. “You won’t forget me, right? You better not cancel on me just because you’re getting some ass.”
Yixing scoffs at the idea of him getting anything out of this wedding. If anything, Yixing would be lucky if he’s allowed to continue dancing as his profession.
“Of course not,” he finally replies. “Anytime.”
***
Yixing expected the worse after their wedding. He was right, once he saw the luxurious place they'd live in. It has too many rooms, which were left without a purpose, and he can feel emptiness whenever he is alone at home. There’s no warmth or a sense of home as he walks through the hallway. He wishes that he was still living in his old apartment. It might have smelled a bit funky during hot summers, but at least he felt comfortable there.
As the weeks progress, Yixing is starting to get used to this new life, even with how bland it feels. He rarely sees Jongdae, fortunately, since the younger leaves the house quite early. He only knows that Jongdae will one day take over his father's company. They're only forced to be with each other during dinner, or the occasional business event that Yixing must attend.
He's also starting to notice the smell of cigars and lilac on Jongdae whenever the younger is gone for the night. He likes to think it doesn't bother him, that this marriage is simply a business transaction, and he has no right to feel possessive over someone who doesn't care for him. Yet, he can't help the hurt in his heart, so he swallows down the emotion before it consumes his mind. He's fine with it. Maybe this means he's allowed to have his own lover on the side.
He still counts himself lucky, despite all the new changes in his life. He's able to keep his job as a backup dancer for a well-known artist. He doesn't have to sacrifice his passion in life. In fact, he's excited at the idea of joining the artist’s tour around Asia. The only issue is, he doesn't know if he’s allowed to join without Jongdae's permission. It sounds so wrong, the idea that his decisions have to be approved by someone else. Yet, he knows this marriage made him sign his life away to the Kim family. He doesn't have the luxury to be selfish anymore.
He's surprised though, when Jongdae approached him about this topic. Apparently, the younger knew about the tour for quite some time. It shouldn't be a surprise to Yixing, that the Kims know everything , but he's still worried. They might feel angry towards him for even wanting this work experience, and that they could take this job away from him.
“We're not that cruel, despite what you believe,” Jongdae tells him one day, with an annoyed expression. “I know you want to go, even when you say otherwise.”
“So you'd let me go?” Yixing asks in disbelief.
“It's your decision. I'm not about to tell you what you can, or cannot do with your life,” he replies with a tired sigh.
“Yet, I'm still married to you,” Yixing says in spite.
Jongdae ignores that comment and simply chooses to move on.
“I only ask for one thing while you're gone,” the younger says in a rather unsure tone. Yixing stares at him curiously, wondering what made Jongdae seem unsure.
“What?”
“I'd like to hear about your day,” Jongdae admits. “Whether it's about your show or something trivial.”
“Why?” Yixing immediately becomes suspicious.
The younger sighs at the underlying tone of his voice.
“I'm not planning something evil. I just want to know more about you . I know this situation isn't ideal for you, but I'd like to make this work. Maybe one day we can be friends, or even something more in the future.”
A part of him wanted to scoff at the idea of them becoming more than friends. He's annoyed that Jongdae is pretending that he hasn't already moved on, possibly fooling around with some pretty girl. Yet, Yixing feels guilty because Jongdae is trying, which is more than Yixing could say about himself.
“I guess that would be fine,” Yixing mutters in the end. “So, do I email you or something?”
There's a faint smile in Jongdae’s lips as the younger feels happiness in his chest.
“Or you can call me. Whichever is more comfortable for you.”
***
The first email was short, and Yixing doesn't even know if Jongdae truly liked it. Though it did sound like he liked it, since he asked multiple questions afterwards. Since that email, they started a chain of replies, some short and some too long to remember, but Yixing does remember asking if the younger is even doing his job. Jongdae would laugh at that, simply saying that talking to the elder is more important.
Yixing should have known that the younger is an expert at charming people and rendering unsuspecting people into bumbling idiots. He still can't help but blush whenever Jongdae throws a compliment at him. Whether it be his dancing or how cute he is when he's confused, Yixing feels a little overwhelmed by the amount of attention. He tries hard to hate it, even going as far as ignoring Jongdae whenever the younger starts a conversation. His plan is not working well though, especially when his friends notice the smile that Yixing would have whenever Jongdae replies back.
This week, he's in Beijing, along with the other dance members and stage staff. They're taking a break in rehearsals and it usually lasts three hours, so most people are gone for sightseeing or even dinner in some famous restaurant. Yixing would have joined them, he usually does, but he promised to call this time instead of writing an email. It's been a habit lately, to randomly want to call the other, even if Yixing pretends it means nothing.
They're starting to have real conversations now, ones where they're teasing each other and asking deeper questions than just ' How was your day ?’ He still keeps about two feet of distance between them in person, but he's starting to let the tall wall crumble and let Jongdae see his emotional side. So far, the younger isn't betraying his trust.
Yixing doesn't understand why he feels a little nervous this time to call Jongdae. It's as if he's calling someone he has a crush on. He refuses to think that he's starting to like Jongdae in that sense. They're just casual colleagues, or even casual friends. Despite that thought, he can't keep ignoring how his heart races as he waits for Jongdae to pick up the call.
He's getting a bit anxious now, since the younger usually picks up before three rings. He looks at his watch, and wonders if he got the right time zone, but it seems to be correct. Or maybe Jongdae is preoccupied with something, and he can’t pick up right now. The elder decides to shake it off, and ignores the million thoughts of insecurity. He shouldn't care this much. He's completely fine with not telling Jongdae how he messed up during the dance break, or how his team members are making fun of him for being gullible again.
He doesn't realize he keeps checking his phone for notifications, until he finds himself rushing to unlock once he hears a beep. It's just from Luhan, reminding him of their meet up tonight. He's scowling at the message before sighing at himself for being so damn needy .
He puts his phone to the side and gently bangs his head against his arms, which were laying on the table. He closes his eyes as he tries to let go of his frustration. He hates that he's starting to feel something towards their interactions. It feels like the younger has manipulated him into liking his personality and ditched him the moment that feeling turned into something more.
He huffs and pushes himself away from the table. He glares at his phone, thinking if he should turn it off in revenge. In the end, he decides to take a walk and maybe find someone to makeout with. He thinks that maybe Jongdae will find out indirectly, and he hopes that it will hurt that bastard. He knows that he sounds so childish for thinking this way.
He's checking his hair and fixing his clothes in front of the mirror when he notices the screen of his phone lighting up. His heart skips a beat at the sight of Jongdae's name flashing in the screen. The younger is finally calling back. For a moment, he wants to reject the call and give Jongdae the same misery that he felt momentarily ago. Yet, he can't find himself to be cruel, even when the younger deserves it.
He answers the call and hears crackling noises before it fades to silence.
“What?” he greets him, trying to sound angry, or even pissed off. Instead, his voice seems to sound sad. Ugh .
“I'm so sorry. I was ready for you, but then Junmyeon came in with some papers. The idiot had to trip and got all the papers mixed up. We had to fix that, and more people came in with their own issues,” the younger rambles on. “I wanted to kick them out, but you know, the deadline’s coming, so they're all panicking.”
Jongdae sighs heavily before taking a deep breath.
“Are you still there?”
“Maybe,” Yixing replies, biting his bottom lip. He refuses to feel some sympathy towards the younger.
“Are you upset?” the younger asks worriedly. “It’s okay if you are. I should have told them to fuck off.”
Yixing remains silent, unsure of what he should say. He was upset, but now he's feeling a bit happy? He shouldn't even associate happiness with anything related to Jongdae. He doesn't want to admit this new feeling yet, but at the same time, he doesn't want Jongdae to keep feeling guilty.
“Should I call you later?” the younger ends up asking, sounding dejected by the lack of replies.
“No,” the elder immediately replies. “I was just thinking…”
“Oh,” Jongdae says softly.
There's a moment of awkward silence as Yixing tries to figure out on how they should start their usual conversation.
“I was thinking…” Jongdae starts to say.
“Um,” Yixing says at the same time.
The elder can hear the loud chuckles on the other end before Jongdae telling him to go first.
“Oh, uh,” the elder stammers. “I guess I just wanted to tell you about today's show.”
“How was it?”
Jongdae always sounds so eager to hear about his day, even though it's the same performance for every date.
“Good, I think. It was a full house again, and Changmin was nervous, so we were all nervous,” the elder starts to ramble, while playing with a button on his shirt. “But the audience was amazing . I never thought Chinese fans would have as much energy as local fans.”
Jongdae makes a Hmm sound as he lets the elder talk more about his day. At one point, Yixing admitted the time he messed up during dance break, and how Changmin laughed at his ‘silly’ mistake. The elder also admitted that he felt disappointed in himself, especially on how he was chosen out of the others for this solo opportunity, and he just had to mess it up.
“You’re right, you could have done better,” the younger tells him. “But you're also human. I think that perfection is not always possible, even when you strive for it. You're going to make mistakes, whether it's that show or in a future show. It's inevitable.”
Yixing frowns at the younger's words. For some reason, he was expecting Jongdae to be on his side, and knowing that he isn’t, he’s feeling turned off by it.
“Fine,” he ends up saying grumpily.
“What?” the younger asks amusedly. “Did you want me to agree with you? Then coddle you like a kid?”
“ No ,” Yixing tells him. “Never mind. I’m done with my story.”
The younger has the galls to laugh at Yixing’s agony, causing him to frown even more.
“Anyway, I was going to say before,” the younger starts to say with a rather nervous tone. “I’m supposed to meet the client next week, and be there when they demonstrate the product.”
“Okay?”
“Do you still remember when I told you where she is?”
“Yeah, in….oh.” Yixing starts to realize that Jongdae will be in China too, with the distance between them being less farther.
“We don’t have to meet. I mean, I’ll see you when you return anyway.”
“Right.”
“Anyway, I just wanted to tell you. At least, this time we’ll be in the same time zone for once,” he finally jokes.
Yixing doesn’t pay attention to how the rest of their conversation went. He only remembers that Jongdae had to leave soon after that, and that the younger will call again at night, maybe after his dinner with Luhan.
He’s still thinking about Jongdae, and how he will be so close in distance. They still see each other when Yixing is back in Seoul and Jongdae was right, they don’t need to see each other so soon. They’re husbands, but they’re not in love or even missing each other like sappy couples. Still, the elder thinks that it might be nice to meet?
He knows that he shouldn’t even consider this option, since he’s supposed to hate Jongdae, though these days it seems like he ‘tolerates’ the younger. He sighs and wonders why his life is suddenly so damn complicated. Why can’t he decide without over thinking anymore?!
His internal dilemma is interrupted when he sees his phone flashing with notification.
Jongdae
I hope you’re not mad at me for disagreeing with you.
I still think, that even with the flaws, you’re an amazing dancer.
Yixing blushes at the last sentence of the text. He plays with the edge of his phone before deciding to reply.
Yixing
I’m not.
You always say that, yet you’ve never watched me dance.
Jongdae
Who says I haven’t?
Didn’t you used to say that my family is very resourceful?
Yixing
Oh, so you sent some secretary to record me.
How charming.
Jongdae
You’re right… I haven’t watched in person yet.
I’m still waiting for that personal invitation.
Otherwise, you might tell security to kick me out :(
Yixing
I wouldn’t… but I can’t guarantee I won’t kick you out of your own house :p
Jongdae
How cruel :’(
Yixing laughs at the response before finding himself with enough courage to send the next text.
Yixing
You can come next week on our Shanghai date.
If you have time, that is.
Jongdae
I’ll clear up that day :)
And maybe dinner after?
No pressure.
Yixing
Yeah, I’d like that.
***
Jongdae doesn’t know why he’s such a nervous wreck. He’s been through dinners with shady people, rejected business deals with highly important people, and even had a death scare during his trip to North Korea. Yet, tonight seems more nerve wrecking than the previous times. He’s feeling sweaty on his back, and he’s regretting choosing to wear this stylish blazer on a hot summer day. He should have gone casual and kept it simple, but nope , his brain told him to wear the hottest outfit for this weather.
Despite all this, he’s hoping that his underarms are not sweating through his shirt, and that the air conditioner will work its magic.
He knows how conflicted Yixing has been on having romantic feeling towards him. He doesn’t take offense to it, not after the hundred of times he has tried to woo the elder. He counts it as a blessing these days, whenever Yixing is willing to call him, or even when he replies to his texts. He’d rather have Yixing in his life as some type of friend, than be labeled as the ‘guy who I’m forced to be married to’.
Their friendship started from a rocky standpoint to a stable one, as they start to exchange the occasional banters. Even dinner time isn’t as awkward as it used to be months ago. He’s happy enough with this progress, so he doesn’t feel the need to make it worse with tonight’s dinner.
He picked a rather casual restaurant, one where even families can go to. He’s been waiting for a few minutes now, hoping that Yixing didn’t decide to bail on him and give a lame excuse. It’s not like he’d blame the elder for having second thoughts, but he does want to have a nice dinner in public with Yixing one day.
He’s looking through his phone, trying to keep his mind off bad thoughts, when he notices a figure approaching him. Yixing walks like he’s a runway figure in a model show, or at least that’s what Jongdae keeps imagining every time the elder is approaching. It’s his steel expression that makes Yixing to be such a natural in attracting people’s attention. He shouldn’t feel possessive whenever young girls fawn over his husband, but he thinks he should be allowed to because that’s his husband, not theirs.
Yixing gives him a cautious smile before sitting down across from him and fumbles with the cloth napkin before putting it on his lap.
“Hi,” Jongdae finally greets him with his own smile.
“Hi,” the elder replies a little too quietly. “I didn’t realize this restaurant was so popular.”
“Oh,” the younger deflates. “Did you want to go somewhere else?”
“No! I was just thinking that it’s loud.”
“Ah, well, it’ll give us the opportunity to not talk,” the younger jokes.
Yixing smiles at that lame joke, his dimple flashes momentarily. Jongdae might have temporarily blanked out for a minute.
They manage to start a conversation about their week, and how it is starting to rain a lot lately in Shanghai. Yixing is telling him on how he feels sad that he can’t walk around to sightsee the town so much, since they’re only in town for two days. The concert is tomorrow and the crew flies back to Seoul afterwards, so tonight was the only chance Yixing would have to get to do anything . Jongdae feels guilty for stealing the elder’s time, but he also feels happy that Yixing would choose this dinner over anything else. In the end, he doesn’t want Yixing to miss out on the night life, so they eat quickly.
Jongdae doesn’t know much about Shanghai, and his fluency in mandarin is limited for day to day talk. He’s glad that Yixing is able to become their guide for the night, even though they can’t do much by 10 pm.
They stop by The Bund when it’s close to midnight. The elder insisted that it’s more beautiful at night and he wanted to take more pictures. They walk side by side, even though Yixing is busy taking pictures on his phone, while Jongdae looks up to the sky, noticing some lone stars. He doesn’t notice the passersby, until one of them bumped into him. A fumbling girl blushes and giggles, fluttering her eyes as she apologizes. Jongdae can see her friends close by, also giggling. He reckons that it was a dare from her friends or just accidental.
He smiles gently before telling her It’s fine . He doesn’t notice Yixing during this, he’s just trying to walk away from her. At one point, she touches his arm, caressing it gently as she looks up from under her eyes. She tells him that she still feels guilty, and insists on making it up to him, probably hinting a night of drinking. Jongdae shakes his head and is about to make an exit, when he feels another hand on his other arm.
He looks to the other side and sees Yixing besides him with an angry expression. He doesn’t get a chance to make excuses, or even warn the girl to back off. Yixing is already doing it for him, in short Chinese words. He can see the shock in the girl’s expression, but he doesn’t get a chance to say a word before Yixing is pulling him to go elsewhere.
He watches the long strides that Yixing makes, and hears the heavy breaths as they storm off to the other end of The Bund. Suddenly, Yixing lets go of his arm and Jongdae can anticipate the elder’s action, so he grabs Yixing’s hand before the elder can walk away from him.
“Wait,” Jongdae tells him. “Are you okay?”
“I shouldn’t have done that,” the elder mutters, possibly to himself.
“Why? I’d have run away too,” the younger admits, before pulling Yixing to stand closer to him. “Will you look at me? I’m not mad at you.”
“You should be,” Yixing tells him before peeking at the younger.
“Well I’m not. If anything, I’m sorry that I ruined tonight. I really wanted you to enjoy your last night here.”
“I did enjoy it,” the elder tells him with a shy smile. “Thank you for dinner.”
Jongdae smiles back at him before looking down at their conjoined hands. Neither of them are making a move to let go of the other’s hand.
“I like this,” he ends up admitting, gesturing at their hands. “I’ve always wanted to hold your hand when we’re out.”
Yixing looks at him with a surprised expression.
“You have pretty hands,” Jongdae ends up saying lamely.
His brain is now yelling at him for sounding so corny.
Yixing doesn’t say anything, but he does smile. The elder thinks that Jongdae’s hand feels nice, and he likes how their hands are not too different in sizes. He thinks that he doesn’t mind if they do this again in the future.
***
Their ‘first’ kiss was supposed to be romantic and Jongdae had imagined different scenarios for it. Yet, in reality, nothing happens by plan, and Jongdae can’t help but smile when he thinks about it. It started when they were out for clubbing on a Saturday night.
Yixing was off dancing on the dance floor with the dance crew, and Jongdae refused to embarrass himself so he watched from afar. The younger isn’t the type to worry when other men and women are grinding themselves against Yixing, he thinks it’s just the mood of the club. Yet, when some guy was starting to become aggressive, Jongdae only remembers walking towards them and pushing the guy away. It’d have became a brawl if the dance crew didn’t defend him too.
The younger feels triumph for being able to protect his husband, and that feeling intensifies as Yixing pulls him closer. He knows that the elder is more drunk than him, and how affectionate he gets, but he can’t help loving the fact that Yixing is nuzzling against him.
He cups Yixing’s face, trying to see if the elder is lucid, and he seems to be a little bit drowsy. Yixing doesn’t like the full attention so he leans away before bending his head so he could lay his chin on Jongdae’s shoulder. The younger laughs before whispering to Yixing that they should leave soon. The elder whines petulantly, but allows himself to be dragged away from the dance floor.
It’s a rough walk as Jongdae tries to hold Yixing to his side while they wait for the car to arrive. Luckily, they have a driver tonight so Jongdae was able to put Yixing inside without much trouble.
Yixing seems to be in a place between drunk and sleepy as he fumbles with Jongdae’s shirt, and the mindless groping has the younger feeling excited. Jongdae doesn’t push him away, but he does move a hand away whenever it’s too close to certain body parts.
“You smell good,” Yixing mutters at one point as he noses the younger’s cheek.
“Do I?” Jongdae asks teasingly.
“You always smell good,” the elder whines before placing a hand on Jongdae’s cheek.
His thumb traces against Jongdae’s bottom lip, and his eyes focus on Jongdae’s lips, temptation playing in his mind. He moves his head in a different angle, and his lips brushes against Jongdae’s cheek. The younger closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, willing himself to not take advantage of his barely conscious husband.
It seems his prayer worked since the driver stops the car a moment after, and Yixing would’ve fallen down onto his flat ass if Jongdae wasn’t holding onto his waist.
The walk to Yixing’s room seems long and painful as the elder decides to whine at every step. He’s even childishly refusing to change his clothes, only reluctantly doing it once Jongdae bribes him with a good night kiss.
“A real kiss, not the fake kind to the cheek,” the elder argues before struggling to take his jeans off.
“Okay, okay,” the younger says in an amused tone.
He helps the elder out of his pants, and slowly forces him to lie down on his back with the blanket over him. He chuckles once he sees Yixing’s eyes becoming heavy with sleep. It won’t take long for the elder to finally rest.
He’s about to leave, slowly rising and tip toeing towards the door, when Yixing grabs his wrist and pulls him back. He sighs, knowing exactly what the elder wants.
To his surprise, Yixing mumbles a Thank you and Jongdae is left speechless, standing near the bed.
A part of him regretted not taking the kiss while Yixing wanted him to, while a large part of him was glad that it didn’t happen in the worst situation. This way, Yixing wouldn’t regret anything in the morning, and Jongdae wouldn’t feel guilty for taking advantage of the elder.
At least, that’s what he keeps repeating to himself until the morning comes.
The next day, he helps Yixing get over his hangover, and they spend the afternoon watching crappy movies on the sofa. At one point, the elder decides to cuddle against him and he’d feel the warmth seeping between them. He tries to ignore it and tries harder to pay attention to the movie, wondering if that character is the killer. His distraction is working well until he feels Yixing’s fingers on his chin. He looks to the side and sees the elder staring him with an intense gaze. He wanted to ask if everything was okay, but instead he’s staring at Yixing’s lips while wondering what it’d be like if they finally kiss.
He thinks they’re just waiting for the other to make the first move, and it doesn’t seem like either of them will lean in first, so Jongdae looks away. It’s only then that Jongdae notices the sudden movement, and the next thing he feels is Yixing’s lips on the corner of his lips.
The elder blushes furiously at his mistake, and Jongdae knows he’ll probably run away in embarrassment, so he gently grabs the elder’s face and leans in to kiss him gently on the lips. They momentarily break apart, as if Jongdae is testing the ground, before he leans in again. This time, Yixing kisses back, and not for the first time, Jongdae wishes that this can last forever.
***
It’s their one year anniversary. Most couples spend it on vacation, or reminiscing their wedding. For theirs, Jongdae still had to go to work and Yixing wasn’t upset about it, because they made plans for later on. Neither of them wanted to do something extravagant. Yixing always imagined his future to have a lot of cuddling and stupid fights with his loved one, meanwhile, Jongdae was okay with anything, as long as it’s just the two of them. So, they decided to go to the family cabin, away from civilization, and enjoy the long weekend with just both of them.
On that morning, Yixing wakes up to the sight of his sleeping husband, who somehow always manage to hog the blanket. The elder smiles blearily before dragging his body closer to Jongdae’s side, trying to steal the warmth. He stares at the peaceful expression and how Jongdae is able to sleep through anything, even when Yixing decided to give him a surprise blow job. He thinks it’s endearing, all of the younger’s qualities. Even the bad ones, like how Jongdae takes advantage of Yixing’s scared nature.
He watches as the younger slowly wakes up from his slumber. It’s like a routine now. First, Jongdae would stretch his legs, before grabbing the nearest thing, usually Yixing, and uses that person as his new pillow. It’s not surprising when Yixing sees the hands coming after him, or that Jongdae buries his face into Yixing’s chest.
“Hm, my pillow,” the younger tells him in a raspy tone.
Yixing doesn’t sarcastically reply this time, he’s too preoccupied with one single thought.
Wow .. .I can’t believe how much I really love him -- he admits to himself.
“Baby?” the younger asks worriedly.
“Huh? Oh, of course. I’m your pillow,” the elder finally replies.
Jongdae raises an eyebrow, as if he’s expecting an explanation.
For now, Yixing can only silently say these three words, because even after everything, he still gets insecure. Maybe one day, he’ll be able to say it outloud.
One thing he
does
know is how amazing this journey has been.