Work Text:
Bed was a time for distance. Neil enjoyed sleeping near Andrew, to just have him an arm’s reach away but still have the space to rest. There were moments when Neil wondered if Andrew would mind being touched in the night. They had conquered a lot of their damage but the scars left occasionally stung. Yet after they had finished for the night and both of them were lying there sweaty and out of breath Neil wanted, for a moment, to hold him close. To just wrap his arms around Andrew and feel his warm back against his chest. To keep him safe, because that was Andrew’s weakness, his most vulnerable state. And to just tell him it’s okay, that he’s okay.
It wasn’t like that though when Neil crawled into bed on that Tuesday night. Andrew was finishing getting changed and Neil was ready to sleep. Practice had been a strung out affair as Coach had been keen to make sure summer training was as hard as they came. The last summer training they’d have together Neil realised as he rested his head down. Andrew would graduate next year and the little bubble of Palmetto State and the Foxes would pop.
Andrew slipped into the bed beside him and turned to face Neil. His hand reached across touching lightly to Neil’s chest. Neil sighed under the contact and turned to face Andrew. He really was a beautiful man Neil smiled. Andrew rolled his eyes, “Don’t be dopey.”
“I’m not,” Neil snorted.
“You’re making those eyes I hate,” Andrew whispered. Neil felt his grin widen and Andrew’s lips twitched into an almost smile. Neil’s hand crossed the gap and hung above Andrew’s cheek for a moment until Andrew nodded and Neil placed it gently down.
“Andrew,” Neil started but he froze, he didn’t know what to say next. What did he want to say? So much but he couldn’t find the words for it. Andrew didn’t like emotions, they weren’t discussed. But here Neil was ready to lay his heart bare because in that moment fear had taken him. It had spread its roots fast and hard puncturing him and holding him down. Next year he would have no Andrew at his side and it was almost painful to consider it. His face must have been a picture because Andrew’s hand found Neil’s and held it.
“Go on,” Andrew said, “I can take your shit once in a while.”
“Thanks,” Neil scoffed but it was with Andrew’s blunt force the fear was shattered. Torn up in one fell swoop. He could talk about a future, because he had one. And he Andrew was going to be a part of that. “Andrew what happens next year? When you graduate and I’m still here?”
“Nothing happens,” Andrew whispered pulling himself closer to Neil, “I will always be here for you Neil. You could be anywhere in this world and you could call me. I’d be there as fast as I could. I meant it when I said I had your back. That doesn’t change, it never changes.”
“But I mean this?” Neil gestured between them ready for the rebuttal. It wasn’t a ‘this.’ Even after all this time it was never a ‘this.’
“This will go on as long as you want,” Andrew said releasing Neil’s hand to wrap it around Neil’s waist.
“What about what you want?”
“I want you,” Andrew shrugged, “That hasn’t changed and until it does I’m not bored of this.”
That was as much as Neil had ever got. It was something small but if Andrew found him interesting in anyway then he would stay. But there was more. The glimmer in his eyes that never seemed to die when he looked at Neil. The spark that kept Neil warm in the winters. The blonde man before him would stay forever if he asked but he wouldn’t have to.
“I’ll always want this,” Neil whispered bowing his head. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologise,” Andrew said his voice coming closer than Neil expected. A gentle hand tilted his head up and Andrew’s lips were inches from his. “This is nothing. But I want nothing. I’ll always want nothing.”
“Andrew?”
“Yes.”
Andrew’s lips were never soft on his but Neil didn’t want it anyway other way. He wanted to feel every tiny movement in Andrew’s lips, absorb every detail and keep it forever. Andrew’s arm around his waist pulled him closer and Neil felt every line of Andrew’s chest pressed against his. Hard lines that drew Neil’s hand to them to trace them as they had done a hundred times before. It wouldn’t take long for hands to wander and lips to follow them but neither one was in a rush. This was there nothing.
Neil laid back shaking slightly as he tried to take in a breath. Andrew’s deep inhales at his side were a reassuring constant to help Neil focus. His eyes felt ready to explode and his fingers tingling. The world was on fire but he wasn’t hot enough. Not anymore. He turned to Andrew who was still facing the ceiling and in the quietest voice he could must Neil asked, “Can I cuddle you?”
Andrew lay in silence for a long moment. So long Neil thought he had gone to sleep but then the pale body shifted on to his side. One hand reached out and pulled Neil closer. Neil wrapped his arms around Andrew and let himself burn. Andrew gripped his hand on his stomach holding him tight. Neil would never hear it from his lips but he knew that this wasn’t nothing to Andrew, like it wasn’t nothing to him. This was everything.