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Sometimes my mind can be so complex. Everything having a deeper meaning, books need to have been read, papers pushed past. Other times my mind can be so simple. Sitting here with my simple mind, just reminding myself to breathe.
Having complete conversations with myself, talking about him. For weeks I said to myself, "It's okay to want him in my head, as long as nobody knows." I couldn't have been more wrong. The more time went on, the deeper it became. I couldn't turn back. I didn't want to. I couldn't help it if little emotions slipped from my grasp. I can just picture myself holding on tightly to my heart, when some unknown force pulls it away. I can see it slip from my fingers.
Like the tears slipping from my eyes. I can't make them stop, I know I can't, so why bother. Why bother do anything. Why bother holding on to my heart, why? That's when the other questions started. Why do things like this happen? Will he live? Will he die? If he dies, I know he won't go to hell, but will he go to Heaven? What is heaven? What if there is no heaven, will he be a ghost? Will he haunt me? If he does, will I be able to see him? To hear him? To touch him? I want to touch him.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
I can feel his blood on my lip. It is still wet. I tried to kiss away his pain. Everything went in slow motion. It was silent. I knelt beside him and I could feel his throbbing body beneath my fingertips. Then I heard a heartbeat. It was deafening loud. He hurt me too. I couldn't do anything, he was right there and I couldn't do anything.
My mind has become complex again. Too complex. I can't even understand what I'm thinking.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
My mind fills with bits and pieces from songs. These bits and pieces formed thier own song.
~ On my own. Pretending he's beside me. All alone, I walk with him till morning. Without him I feel his arms around me, and when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me. ~
~ You look so fine. I want to break your heart, and give you mine. ~
~ Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven. Would it be the same, If I saw you in Heaven. I must be strong, and carry on. Cause I know, I don't belong here in heaven. Would you hold my hand, If I saw you in Heaven. Would you help me stand, If I saw you in heaven. ~
~ Did you ever now that you're my hero, and everything I would like to be. I can fly higher then an eagle, you are the wind beneath my wings. ~ I want you to be free. Don't worry about me. And just like the movies, we play out our scene. ~
~ Guilt strichen sobbing with my head on the floor ~
~ now I wanna be, where you sleep, where you laugh, where you breath. And I hate to say, still I sway, Brown your eyes, gone away. ~
~ And if you only see, how beautiful you and I would be, Endlessly ~
My heart hurts. These songs remind me so much of him, and me, and us. One sticks in my mind. It is me. ~ It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. ~ It is me. Why is it me? Why? Why ask questions when there is nobody to answer. I'll go crazy if I don't get answers soon. I just know I'll lose it.
The blood is dried now. I feel dizzy. I forgot to breath.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.