Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"The love that we will never make together, is the most beautiful,
the most violent, the most pure, the most heady..."
- Lemon Incest, Serge Gainsbourg

Tomoko sits in her classroom alone, headphones blaring heavy metal to drown out the sounds of cheers and applause from the school field below. There was a soccer championship game her younger brother was in, but there was no way she could watch without being disappointed. She knows she shouldn't feel this way, she should be watching and supporting her school, and her brother playing. But it hurt, it was choking her, and she wants to run home again.

Downstairs, everyone would be cheering for him. He would smile for them, they would all take pictures with him and he'll celebrate with his team. Now, she had to turn the volume up to max, the sounds of shouts and applause exploded, it meant their school won. She knows Tomoki will be off with his friends until night. He'll go home to the congratulations of their parents, mother and father telling him they are proud of him...

Her ears hurt from the music. Swallowing down her exaggerated fear, she walked to the window to see what was going on down the field, outside. The team was already grouped together for a picture, Tomoki in the middle and holding the faux gold trophy for them winning the championship. By then, all her irrational envy disappeared as she saw that her brother was smiling, a genuine one. Tomoki rarely ever smiled, he frowned and sneered most of the time. He usually scowled and looked irritated, when he talks to her. Now, though, the grin made him look pleased. He looked different.

Somehow, Tomoko feels proud of her brother. Long ago, he used to smile at her that way too, when he was a clingy little brother who didn't want to be separated from his sister. It seemed that it had been so long since he smiled for her and her alone. But now, she can't help but smile too, because Tomoki won and he was happy. Then, he happened to look at her direction. Their eyes met. They smiled at each other for a moment. It was her way of recognizing, congratulating him. Smiling feels pleasant.

(Or did he really smile at her? Was he smiling at the sky, at everyone? That far away, maybe he can't see her at all. But since she can see him from here, that means he can also see her. But she still knows for the rest of the day she will be nothing. Tomoki was better at this high school popularity game than her. He was already up that ladder of popularity Tomoko can never reach, only hope for – and she has ceased hoping for.)

No class for the rest of the day, it was all for school games she won't watch. She hopes that no teacher or classmate will find her here, in their classroom where she was alone as everyone else was having fun watching. She'll read a book and wait until 5, to go home alone. She knows for the whole afternoon, Tomoki will have no shortage of people happy for him and their team. He would not think of her.

#

They have been going to the same high school for two years now. Tomoko observed that even her classmates talk about her younger brother, now known as that cool soccer player. She had spied on several of his girl classmates giving him various gifts, girls wanting to confess their affections to a guy who appeared not to care. Tomoko feels good that her brother doesn't actually care about them. But if he did, she thinks she might just die of envy. If her brother first gets in a relationship earlier than her, she might as well have a heart attack. If her brother brings a girl home, or if ever she learns her brother wasn't a virgin anymore, she might as well killhim.

She had thought that being the big sister of a popular boy would make her known, and they would admire her and get jealous that she's close to a well-liked person. She had imagined that they would be known as the 'cool siblings' in school. Instead, to her frustration, people didn't notice. Haven't you all noticed that we have the same surname? That we have the same damn name save for one letter? That we have the same eye baggage from lack of sleep? I know a lot about him, since he was born, and he's not that great as you all think.

Though, until now, her quest for being popular just failed. She stopped caring about it, but of course it still nags in her mind. They don't talk here in school, even if they pass by each other and pretend not to know each other. Tomoki had his friends and fangirls. Tomoko was alone, always, but it was at least better than before. In time, Kotomi was now a tolerable frenemy. Nemoto, the unremarkable classmate, was kind. There was still Yuu-chan.

Two years ago, Tomoki had planned to go to another school but didn't due to Tomoko's fault – she forgot to mail the application. Tomoki got pissed at her and gave her the silent treatment for weeks. Until now, Tomoki had imposed an agreement between them, it was a cold one – Don't ever talk to me when we're in school.What an arrogant bastard, so full of himself. She also knows she also deserves it for being an asshole to him. But, even for her, that was rather cruel. Is he so ashamed to be associated with her? Well, damn him. As if she would waste her time seeking him out in school anyway. She can still annoy him all she wants at home.

Nothing changed. They still tolerated each other with mutual enmity.

#

Even if how much she reads about sex and inducing erotic dreams, Tomoko can never do it herself. She tried lucid dreaming, but it always ended up failing. Strange things come up like bugs, animals, or too-far-out imaginary creatures. She's familiar with arousal, sure, she's felt that trembling dampness when she listens to moans from erotic CDs and she's felt excitement when watching animated copulation in games and videos... but the excitement is never fulfilled. But she tries, to do it to herself, sometimes. In some nights, she'll be gripped by a strong feeling of loneliness headier than any fantasy. She'll clench her fists against the bed sheets, tears sudden on her pillows, that she was so alone while others had lovers. Even fictional characters that start as hopeless at the beginning had people who loved them in the end.

Sometimes, in odd hours of early morning, the few fantasies that sated her were about people she knows. She'll never admit it to anybody, or to herself, even. What if... Yuu-chan, undressing, showing off her soft, generous breasts, moaning Mokochi and letting Tomoko have all the control. In her imagination, Tomoko feels so strong, what she imagines what a guy might feel about taking a girl as beautiful as her best friend. Tomoko sees: smooth white skin, a slim waist, a soft sex wet and eager for her caressing kisses.

Or sometimes, the cute senior named Megumi. Not a shy one, this girl, and this time it is Tomoko on her knees and giving in. Being the student council president, she might have done explicit favors for teachers and other students, right? One side of Tomoko thinks that it must be a dirty thing to think of about her, but maybe the girl had feelings for her, maybe...

Or even... her brother. Tall, lean, with that cold, cruel expression many girls found attractive. She tries to remember the sensations of all the times her brother touched her. That grip he uses to hurt her, what if it grasped other, more intimate places? He's kicked her. What if those strong legs were put to good use, her brother would have the endurance to go on all night long, whispering nee-chan and just going on harder faster and Tomoko breathless and wanting more, they would do it silently and very fast in the middle of night preferably because they wouldn't want to get caught.

And in that last fantasy, she comes, silent thunder flashing white beneath closed eyes and thinks, god, it's been too long since I got off this way.

But then, she forces herself out of these thoughts. As she drowns in sleep and sailed to the land of dreams, she thought that it was only imagination, which never hurt anyone. As if it will really happen in Real Life anyway. It's only because she wants to fall into sleep. It will not affect reality as long as she knows to not let the delusions control her, to always draw a clear line between fact and fancy.

(Or so she thinks.)

#

Tomoki went home that night at 11. His father isn't home, his mother sleeps early. He knows that only one other person is awake now... Tomoko, staying up late online again, since the light to her room was on. It has been a terrible day. They won a game, and he only wanted to go home and rest, but people kept bothering him. They wanted to talk to him, to ask him questions, and his cheeks now hurt from smiling for all the people who asked to take a picture with them. Normally, he'd feel at ease with his friends, but now he felt so drained and numb. He didn't like it at all but kept it inside.

What was his sister up to? He didn't see her most of the day, but when the game ended he saw her on some building's window, smiling at him. In that brief glimpse, Tomoki saw an expression he doesn't see all the time on his sister. It seemed as if she was glad for him, that they won...

He went to his room and lay in bed, thought of nothing, staring at his dreary ceiling, just waiting for sleep to drown him. If he's lucky, he'll get more than three hours of sleep. Lately, though, it's been less. A sleep-deprived mind is a sedated state, and it's been like he has been a walking zombie for days. He began to think of this insomnia as a person. Mister Insomnia is a new buddy of mine, he only comes late at night and we chat until 2 AM.

Thank fortune that they won, because tomorrow the players can be excused from class to rest. And so he and a new imaginary friend, Insomnia, kept silent for awhile. He'd go away soon, and leave him to sleep. Sometimes, he'd like to sleep forever.

Then, he remembered all the food their class gave him – ice cream sundae and strawberry chocolate cheesecake. Since he'd hate it to spoil, and he's pretty sure his sister is awake anyway, he decided to get up and invite her to eat. She likes midnight snacks, and sometimes when she wakes him up to accompany her to the bathroom they end up eating anything from the fridge. They both suffer from lack of sleep.

Tomoki opened the door to her room, and the light from the hallway outside cast a bright light to her darkened room. He caught her near sleep and half naked on her bed, a hand inside her underwear. When she saw him, she jolted in surprise and covered herself.

Well, Tomoki didn't want to see his older sister... get in touch with her inner self. At least he didn't see her in the throes of whatever it was she was doing, that would've made it worse. He pretended he didn't see it, he didn't want to make a big deal of it, and simply spoke. "There's ice-cream sundae downstairs. And cake. It won't taste good if you'll wait for tomorrow," he said, and left to go downstairs.

#

On Tomoko's part, however, she thought that it might be cosmic coincidence that made the very object of her thoughts that moment appear at her door. Of all things, she forgot to lock her door, and Tomoki didn't even bother to knock. He saw her in a rather embarrassing position, and announced that there was ice cream downstairs. If he was surprised at seeing her that way, he didn't show it. It was three in the morning, and she looked at the mirror. Some part of her, wondered if she had looked quite desirable when he saw her. Didn't some people like watching other people do it to themselves?

She looked at the mirror, then realized she looked so ugly. Her hair was in disarray, dried saliva crusted around her lips, her face looked pale and shapeless, eyebags making her look older than her seventeen years. She was only wearing her plain supermarket underwear and a loose black shirt that almost reached her knees with some rock band's logo, skeletons riding on flaming motorcycles. She didn't bother to wear more. Being caught like that shouldn't be a big deal anyway. It was only her brother, who was already used to her.

Who couldn't resist ice cream? So she went down to the kitchen, where Tomoki was taking the cake box and the plastic cups with ice cream from the fridge – vanilla drizzled in caramel syrup, chocolate chips, and candy sprinkles. She got plates and cutlery, and they both sat on the dining table, they began to eat. Tomoko ate almost all of the pink, strawberry-flavored cake. Tomoki only ate the ice cream and watched her eat. Tomoko whispered thanks to him after they were done with eating, and in silence they retreated to their own rooms to sleep.

#

February came. She didn't realize it until she saw red cut-out hearts everywhere, stores selling stuffed toys and candy packaged with Valentine greetings. Shit, another holiday that capitalists will exploit, only used by companies to sell their products and making us all materialists and wanting more money to buy things. Love hotels would be full with sluts fucking their boyfriends they'll leave for another anyway, she thought as she walked past some bulletin board in the hallway decorated with moe cupids holding cardboard bows and arrows poised to pierce paper hearts.

After the last class, there was another homeroom meeting, where she usually keeps quiet in her seat. Their smiling class president, some girl wearing glasses, was smiling and slightly clapping her hands in this trying-to-be-cute way.

"Classmates! I'm happy to announce that our first prom will be two weeks from now, on Friday night! Boys and girls are free to bring their own dates, or ask someone out in the classroom!" She announced, and the girls squealed in excitement while most of the boys grumbled and sighed.

In her seat, Tomoko was shaking. No way I'm attending that shit. I'll play sick. But then, as her classmates began to talk about plans, dates, dresses, and after-parties, she drifted off in her own world. She imagines the most beautiful version of herself, whose entrance makes everyone gape. The suited guys and gowned girls would look at her in awe and think, "Why haven't we seen that girl before?" Boys dressed like gentlemen would line up for a chance to dance with her. They would kneel and...

"Hell, why don't you invite Tomoki Kuroki-kun?" whispered one of her slut seatmates to another chick.

"Hey, that's corrupting minors!" said another, and they all giggled, and Tomoko had a sudden urge to throw her table at them. It was her damn brother again... Then the pencil she was holding was trembling from the grasp of her sweaty, shaking hands until her clenched fist broke it in two, and the girls heard it snap and they stopped laughing and looked at her.

"You alright, Kuroki-san?"

Then they looked at each other. Then Tomoko answered, trying to hide her hate, "I-I'm f-fine."

The girl looked like an imaginary light bulb lit up in her mind. "Wait, Kuroki-san, can I ask a question? Do you happen to be related to Kuroki-kun the soccer player from the second year?"

"H-He's my brother, actually," she managed to stammer an answer even if she only wanted to stab her pencil into this girl's eye. Her anger and nervousness were mixing, making her dizzy, she might have to puke in the toilet again later.

"Oh well, then we can ask you to ask him if he's available for a date! Is he single or not?" the girl asked playfully. Well, at least she was in a normal conversation with a group of girls now, but the subject happens to be not her.

"I'm not sure." That was her first straight answer without stuttering.

"Well then, tell us if he says yes!"

"I-I g-guess so..." she said, and the group's attention on her disappeared as they got engaged in another topic, about their hairstyles and make-up. Fucking bitches. Tomoko didn't imagine herself as a prom queen vixen anymore, she dreamed of burning her school with telekenesis ala Carrie.

Then, while going out of her classroom to leave for home, she saw her brother walking off alone. He might have noticed her, but he doesn't like her anyway. So she went to the mall for the afternoon, careful to avoid places her classmates might go to after class. She wandered around stores selling gowns... and on display, on a tiny mannequin for a kid girl's dress, she fell in love at first sight at the dress she saw.

It was green, made of cloth the color of emeralds and aquamarine. The upper part was silk, velvet sleeves off the shoulders and the smooth curve on the chest highlighting the hollow of the doll mannequin's collar bone. The skirt reached the floor, and it was embroidered and painted with a dense foliage design which reminds her of dark forests: vines curling and curving, growing with chartreuse-colored paisley leaves and milk-green budding roses, imaginary plants that seem alive, glittering beads and sequins against dark green silk.

It would look great with her green eyes. She looked at the tag prize, and took a picture of it on her phone before she went home.

#

That night, she dreamed. She entered a ball, in a wide open space in the middle of a forest of beautiful nightmares. Masked waiters carrying trays of food and wine nod and bow at her, and a tuxedoed host came out of nowhere and held her by the arm as if he was an old friend, leading her to the seeming endless dance floor with countless couples dipping and dancing to strange music. Up on the sky was a full moon so big and bright, like it was there for the sake of lighting up this party.

"I have to say, dear lady, that you look fabulous, and the green dress goes very well with your pretty eyes," the man said, and Tomoko looked down and saw that she was wearing that dress. Except that the designs were moving, plants shivering in a cold night wind, the flowers blooming full on the cloth as she moved, beaded dew glittering on dense dark embroidered leaves. Real vines were braceleting her arms, slithering smooth stems of leaves and tiny, dark red roses.

"Thank you," she replied, and her voice was smooth and elegant, like she was speaking through another mouth. They passed by marble fountains overflowing with drinks: one bubbling with sparkling champagne, another with blood-red wine, some spewing foaming golden beer or amber-colored rum. Small and drunken gargoyle-faced imps dance and fall around with their tiny glasses filled with drink. The host led her to a special seat, a bonsai tree-chair growing out of the ground itself and shaped like a throne. She sat, and seat of the chair adjusted itself to make her more comfortable. A similar chair was next to her, but empty of an occupant. From here, she can watch the dance. The masked couples bow and smile at her as they pass, the pairs moving around in a circle.

Here, she watches closer, at the dancing women. One was a pale girl in a white lace dress, and Tomoko looked closer and realized it was made of the most delicate spiderwebs silken against her skin, upon her white pearl-shine blonde hair were crawling silver tarantulas for ornaments, and a quartz crescent on her forehead. She disappeared among the swirling couples. Another woman had four arms and blue skin of some Hindu divinity. Her red eye-shadow and lipstick was bright against her skin color, and Tomoko realized it was fresh blood. She wore nothing except a short skirt made of leathered human skin, and a brassiere made of dismembered human hands designed to cup and cover her breasts. Tomoko had entered faerie party, but it was the women who stood out, all the men were masked and wore identical suits.

Then, the crowd in front of her began to part, and a tall masked man was walking through the path between them to her. He was wearing a black suit, and a mask made of oak leaves covering his eyes and caressing his cheeks.. The mask had two wooden branches that seem like two horns upon the young man's forehead. The mask's eye slits showed narrow eyes the color of dark green pine. His hair was black, like hers. She can see his wry, amused smile as he walked toward her. Then he bowed, knelt on one knee and offered his hand – a silent way of asking her to dance. She placed her hand on his.

She was carried to the dance floor, floating and in some miraculous way knowing the steps, with a skilful dancer carrying her along in a slow waltz.

Then, the music stopped.

The couples fell to the ground, clothes shucked off like snakes shedding skin, the men in fine suits were actually devils. Everyone drunken laughing and kissing, naked and writhing on the grass, and the party turned out to be a faerie orgy. She and her partner were the only ones standing, still in position before a tango. He led her down, and down the forest floor she fell, hypnotized by his eyes as she lay and spread her legs and opened her mouth... she took off the mask of her would-be lover for tonight, and saw the face of her brother smiling.

"What the goddamned fuck?!" She screamed, and woke up. She sat on her bed, covered her own face with her hands, feeling sort of ashamed. Now the dreams were even weirder. She guessed that her unconscious was making up strange images from her inappropriate thoughts about her brother. She told herself to stop thinking such sick shit.

She'll stop thinking sick shit.

#

The next school day, she decided to buy that gown with all her savings. She went to the store, and it fit just right. Even if she doesn't end up going to a silly school ceremony, at least she now owns a great dress. She tied her hair to a stylish bun, and liking what she saw in the mirror, she went down and showed it to her mom.

"That looks really nice!" her mom said, smiling at her while she was cooking in the kitchen.

"It's supposed to be for prom, but the problem is, I've got a gown but no one to go with me. Its next Friday. Does it really look nice?"

"You look fine! It's your first prom, it won't repeat again and you're only seventeen once. If you've got no date, that's no problem, I'll convince your brother to go with you."

"As if he'll agree." Tomoko sighed. She felt that it would only lead to nothing. She's already prepared an excuse, to act like she has a headache to prevent her from going. She's already pretty sure that her brother wouldn't agree to it anyway.

"I assure you he will."

End

(To be continued...)

Chapter Text

It's the night you'll always remember. Or wish you could forget.

"What do you think of when you masturbate?" His sister asked, never bothering to knock, just surprised him with that stupid question like what she did when she asked him to show her his dick.

"I think of income tax returns and my assignments. I think of government corruption in third-world countries, social issues... Why the hell are you asking that, just get out, and what the hell do you think of when you do it anyway? No thanks, shut up and don't answer, I actually don't want to know..." Tomoki rambled as he was sitting and writing notes, wanting to focus on his homework. He only wanted to be left alone, not disturbed by someone who went to his room every hour or so.

"I think of you," Tomoko whispered to herself, and then was suddenly shocked that she said that out loud. She totally didn't mean it.

By the next second, she was already kicked out of his room and he had thrown some of his heavy old textbooks out with her. She was lucky she dodged them.

"Creep!" Tomoki said, slamming his door close, the clicking of the lock too loud, as if he was emphasizing his point of not making her go in again.

#

"Hey Mom, have you asked Tomoki about it? What did he say?" Tomoko asked while chewing on her toast for breakfast. Her mom was watching the morning news.

"Oh, I forgot about it. Why don't you ask him yourself?" Her mother said, smiling as if the matter wasn't a big deal.

"But you know him... he doesn't like me much. He'll agree if you're the one who tells him."

"Don't let that bother you. Well, if you really can't, I'll ask him. But I think he won't bite..."

"Huh, if you only knew..." Now, with that stupid question from last night, she wondered if her brother will ever agree.

#

The surprise wasn't that her brother disagreed, but that he agreed when their mom asked him to go with her. It seemed that he found it amusing. The party theme was Mystery, so everyone was just going in with the masks of their choice. To Tomoko's shock, he was rather more interested in it than her. Of course, he didn't intend to stay for long, and even planned that they would disappear out the venue after the dinner.

"I'm gonna wear this plastic Spiderman mask," her brother said, and Tomoko snorted, since Tomoki hardly ever joked with her. They were both in his room, and he had on a ridiculous mask covering his face, something that looked like it was stolen from a kid's Halloween costume party.

"I'm gonna wear an ANBU mask," she said, pulling a thin plastic mask, white painted with red swirls with carved eyes, mouth, and pointed ears of a cat.

"So, the plan is, we just eat and run, steal some deserts, and hopefully escape teachers and guards and convince them that you're feeling sick. You have to puke to make it convincing, okay?" He said, and Tomoko nodded.

Tomoko had a photocopy of the layout of the venue, a guide for the students to know their seating arrangements. She marked their seats with a red pen and drew a route where they can exit the quickest without being noticed. After that, they'll go straight home. No fuss. That was the plan. For once, they both agreed on something.

They were wearing their best clothes, what they were supposed to wear for that night. Tomoki had on a classic black suit, and it fit on him fine. Tomoko found him quite attractive when he was dressed that way, it made him look better. (It made him look like a fine gentleman like in that freakish fairy dream, which she wanted to forget). She wore that dress, braided her hair and tried concealing her eye bags and bad skin with her mother's make-up.

Then, their mother knocked and opened the door. "It's time for lunch. Hey, you both look nice. We better take pictures! I'll go get a camera first..." she disappeared, then reappeared with a digital camera.

"Huh?" Tomoki said.

"Pose," their mother instructed, and both of them froze.

"Do you really need to do that?" Tomoki asked.

"Act like it's a photo shoot."

Then Tomoko leaned over him like she was going to kiss him, but he blocked her face with his arm in a martial-arts defense move. Flash. "Smile," their mother said, but on Tomoki it came out like a grimace, and Tomoko's face turned into a rape-face smile. Flash.

"Uh... could you pose more like normal kids? There, sit on the floor, and look dreamily into each other's eyes or something," their mother said, and they both exclaimed together, "Why the hell are we going to do that!?" Flash. Their mother smiled at the picture, both of them screaming at the camera in anger.

"Wait. This room won't look good in the pictures. Why don't we go downstairs and take pictures in the garden? The orchids are blooming, and they'd look nice."

They followed her down, and their tiny garden did look like a better setting. Her mother took a piece of black ribbon, pinned fresh blooming rose buds and some leaves on it and tied it on her wrist for a corsage. They sat in the grass, blooming pastel-colored flowers for their background. It was Tomoki who told her what to do.

"There, adjust your legs so the skirt will spread on the grass. Put your hand on my left shoulder so that the corsage can show up on the picture," he said, and placed her coil of braided hair over her chest, maybe so it can be seen in the picture.

To her surprise, Tomoki just so suddenly smiled at her in this sunny, amused way and held her hand, their fingers entwining. In that fraction of a moment, Tomoko forgot that it was for the picture and not for her at all, and it made her feel good too, and she smiled back. The illusion was destroyed with the loud click and flash of the camera. Then his smile turned to a sneer, like he was mocking himself for doing such a thing.

"Perfect!" their mom said, and showed them the result of that one fake moment. Both of them, smiling at each other like there was no tomorrow, hands clasped and the flower corsage on her wrist poised in the middle of the picture.

"Let's take another," their mother suggested.

"That's enough," Tomoki said, and was the first to stand up and go back inside.

She copied that picture from the camera and made it the desktop wallpaper of her PC. Her brother was a bastard, but it was a great picture. It was her only nice picture (the selfies she sometimes takes are just fail). If I ever have a boyfriend I want him to smile at me just like that. A real smile, please.

#

The night came. They went to the fifteenth floor of a big hotel in the city, entered the venue purposely late along with other masked students. Their cheap masks were unremarkable compared to those of others, who chose bejeweled and expensive-looking masquerade masks. They only ended up taking off theirs, and still no one seemed to care even if their faces were shown. There were also quirkier students who wore fake animal heads: does, bears, tigers, and wild animals whose species they didn't know the names of. Some had weird hats and artsy masks with all kinds of unexpected designs. They all look like they had carefully planned their looks. Tomoki and Tomoko passed by the sidelines, trying their best to camouflage to the walls. It was only both of them who looked so cheap and unprepared, like they just woke up from sleep and slipped on formal-looking clothes.

Tomoko had thought her dress was great, but then realized hers was the only old-fashioned dress. Many girls had chosen designs inspired by cyberpunk and high-tech of modern fashion line runways, some dresses made of metal, glass, plastic, and mirrors. She did her hair in a simple bun and braided with tiny plastic red roses, but it was passé compared to the stylized neon wigs worn by most of the girls. They both looked so out of place in this science-fiction prom which looked like it might as well take place in another planet. Everyone else looked alien, while they looked like they were wearing tacky 1990s and being still on Earth was totally out of fashion.

They were only rather grateful, that with everyone admiring everyone else's clothes, they were not noticed at all. There was the flash of cameras everywhere as the boys and girls got their pictures taken in the red carpet, imagining they were Hollywood superstars. It is their night, anyway, and they all wanted to make the best of it... except for Tomoki and Tomoko, who looked more like haggard kidnappers or half-assed bank robbers trying to make themselves invisible.

Tomoko was quite overwhelmed, and even she can tell that Tomoki feels weird himself. They slipped past the laughing, excited crowds and tried to find their seats. Tomoki touched her bare shoulder and whispered close to her ear since the crowd was so loud, "Look at us, looking so out of place. I haven't seen this kind of clothes before. Good thing we're gonna get out soon anyway..."

They were the only occupants in this round dinner table near the exit, wallflowers in old costumes compared to the alien glamour of everyone else. They sat in silence through the programs and students from the older years presented their dances. There was some school rock band who sang, and another who did a dance number. Lights everywhere, and music, cheers, applause.

Dinner was delivered. They moved their masks aside to eat. Everyone was excited for the dance, which will occur later. For them, though, this was the signal to get away.

The plan: she'll go first to the girl's restroom, then after awhile Tomoki will sneak out, too. They'll meet by the fire exit stairs that lead to outside of the building, open the door to fresh night air, and leave by the narrow metal stairs that lead down. They'll go home and sleep. That was at least a more pleasant option than staying here, where everyone else's fun made her feel claustrophobic. Her bed and her dreams were much more preferable.

She went out first, and waited by the restroom. When she saw Tomoki open and disappear through the fire exit door near the boys' restroom, she waited for a moment to make sure no one can see, and slipped out the door herself. She went out, to the familiar noise and lights of the city. Tomoki was already running down, and she ran too, the wind blowing through her skirt. She imagined that she was a princess from a fairy tale, running away from a cruel castle to follow her saving prince. Tomoki was looking up from time to time, going down fifteen floors using stairs was quite a run. When they both reached the ground floor, they changed their formal shoes to sneakers they bought. They'd still have to walk to reach the train station so they can go back home.

Running quiet to the gate, they saw some guards and teachers smoking. Imagining themselves to be ninjas, they stealthily timed when they weren't looking and ran fast past the gate. Their relief was broken when they saw another gate, closed and locked. Now, going back and feigning Tomoko's sickness wasn't an option. So they both climbed up the railing of the wrought iron gate, and Tomoki was the first to jump off to the ground outside.

Tomoko's skirt got caught in a loop of barned wire, then they heard the footsteps of someone coming. Tomoko hurried down, but she couldn't get her skirt off.

"Just jump! I'll catch you," Tomoki whispered, and she did as he said, closed her eyes and heard the rip when the jump down made the skirt of her dress tear. She landed safe in his arms, and then she stood and they ran out again. They both sighed in relief when they finally got out. As they walked to the direction of the train station, Tomoko stopped.

"Tomoki, I really need to pee."

"You were in the girls CR earlier. Why didn't you do that there?"

"I was in a hurry. It's gonna get out. I'm gonna do it right there," she said, ran off and squatted in some dark end of a nearby alley they passed. Tomoki just sighed and followed her, stood there so no one passing by can see her.

#

"Done. Let's go home. Wait, see that?" Tomoko pointed to a carnival in a nearby amusement park. The sign outside said, THIS IS OUR LAST NIGHT. FREE ADMISSION!

They looked at each other, and decided to go in. There were few people, most are the carnival employees already disassembling the rides. The roller coaster which was once too high was now unbuilt, only the metal pieces of the structure left, gathered in a truck. The only ones open and working are the carousel and the Ferris wheel, still decorated with lights. A few parents still stayed with their kids riding on the fake horses of the rotating carousel, and on the Ferris wheel was still a few couples riding. This was only a small travelling amusement park, nothing compared to the more extravagant, popular parks in the cities.

"Here, take a picture of me while in the carousel," Tomoko said, handed her phone to Tomoki and ran to the carousel. She chose a white horse, and tucked her long skirt and it showed her in her sneakers. It was quite difficult for Tomoki to take her picture since it was moving, so even if Tomoko was trying hard to smile over there and look cute, the pictures still looked blurred. It was only when it slowed down, when Tomoko was already asleep on the fake horse, did the pictures went alright. Her sleeping face was much more okay than the previous ones. The carousel stopped. He walked near to her and told her to wake up.

"Let's go ride the Ferris wheel then go home," so they walked in, where they can see the outside from the glass window. As they ascended, they could gradually see the whole city below them. You can no longer see stars in the sky from too much light pollution, but the city at night seemed like stars on reverse, industrial constellations upon the ground. They can see it from here, lights from the buildings, illuminated billboards and advertisements, the street lights of the long branching highways along with the moving lights of cars travelling on the faraway roads, far below them.

They decided to stay until closing time, until they weren't allowed to stay anymore. They both sat in silence, just watching the city up above while the wheel turned, until the wheel went down and they finally were asked to step out by a tired girl working there.

"Excuse me, are you the prince?" said a tiny voice as soon as they walked out, and they both looked down at a cute lost boy looking at Tomoki. Tomoki smiled and kneeled down, as if he was going to humor the kid.

"Yes. I am a Prince of the Forest Kingdom. And this," he held Tomoko's hand and bowed, and Tomoko followed suit, did a small curtsey, "...is the princess."

The kid smiled, eyes going wide. "They said the park was closing and the actors are gone!"

"We're not part of this place. We're really from faraway! But don't let anyone know, okay?" Tomoki whispered, and Tomoko thought it was quite ridiculous. To her, kids are stupid and she didn't like them. It seemed that this side of Tomoki is something she hadn't known before, that he liked kids. Soon, Tomoki was laughing and joking with him about his imaginary kingdom. Tomoko only watched.

"Hey, put my brother down!" said an angry girl's voice, and there she was, a tiny girl in pigtails pulling at Tomoki's trousers.

"Nee-chan! He's a prince don't you know! He lives in the land of the Magic Faraway Tree!" said the little boy, who was quite content with being carried in Tomoki's arms and dreaming of Neverland.

"Princes don't exist! Now put my brother down or I'll tell the police that you're a kidnapper!"

"Here, here," Tomoki said, putting the boy down. "I was just playing with your little brother, okay?" Tomoki said, ruffling the girl's hair, who glared at him and held her brother fiercely.

A woman, their mother maybe, waved at them and smiled at Tomoko and Tomoki. The boy smiled and waved goodbye before they went out the closing park.

#

"Ah. That was better than staying there at that ridiculous prom, right? Those two kids... kinda reminds me of us before..." Tomoki said, out of the blue, smiling while waving goodbye at the boy who was still looking back at them.

"Yeah. It would've been better if I had a boyfriend to spend time with instead and stayed at the prom and had more fun..." Tomoko also said without thinking, and soon Tomoki rolled his eyes. Tomoko quickly wished she hadn't said that. If she can remember correctly, what Tomoki just said was the only time he implied that he liked her company. She hated her own mouth sometimes. It seemed that every time they would come close to being sincere, something from her mouth would ruin the moment.

Then, she realized this was the only time she could remember Tomoki even mentioned something about the way they were before. Those halcyon days of their younger years, when they were each other's whole world. Then the shadow of growing up came upon them and for some inexplicable reasons they just went on separate ways and... she just misses it so much. But then, her own pride takes over, and her irritation, resentment, and envy at her brother. What exactly happened that they aren't close anymore?

But there are times, like right now, when she can't help but wonder what if. If they had still been the same way. If he had continued loving her like that, she wouldn't ever had felt the need to become popular. Both of them, without anyone else, would have been enough. She wished, deep in her heart, that Tomoki felt the same. But being back to the way they were before is impossible. It's like willing ravens to turn white, for hell to freeze over, to wish cancer away. It just would not happen. This is what she thought as they walked, Tomoki ahead of her. The silence between them now had a heaviness that made her unable to say anything.

Before going home, they passed by a convenience store to buy food, Pocky and Meiji chocolate, and there was a stall selling cotton candy. They bought big ones, teal bubblegum flavor for Tomoki, and pink strawberry for Tomoko. They went to the station and rode on an almost empty train. Tomoko fell asleep sitting next to Tomoki, resting her cheek on his shoulder. She didn't seem to be aware of it, and Tomoki didn't mind.

#

They reached home, each to their own rooms. Tomoki stripped off the blazer, trousers, the black silk necktie, and changed to his sleeping clothes. In her own room, Tomoko couldn't stand the sight of her dress anymore, and it only irritated her to see her ripped skirt, hated herself for imagining good things about this night. She'd never felt more out of place than there, she regretted ever going there and wished she stayed home instead. Even if Tomoki had gone with her, she thought that he should have at least tried and helped her, would have had the same fun as everyone else.

Now she can't get the damn gown off, the zipper at the back got stuck. In her irritation at herself, the considered using scissors to cut it off her. Trying to calm down, her only choice was to ask her brother to help her undress. Opening the door to his room without greeting, she just sat on the floor near his bed.

"Help me with the zipper, will you," she said, and he sat from his bed and unzipped the dress at the back for her. Standing up to leave, the dress suddenly snapped off and fell, and she ended up half-standing, half-kneeling, naked save for her plain underwear.

Tomoki only looked at her, from her face to her feet to her face again, as if he was only judging her. He looked at her like she was so puny, and his expression had a slight hint of disgust.

Embarrassed but somehow unable to move to get her dress again, she thought, shit, what if he thinks this was on purpose? This isn't! Instead, in an awkward attempt to cover up, she ripped off her hair ornaments to make her hair fall. She picked up the dress.

Tomoki threw a spare shirt to her face.

#

...to be continued.

Chapter Text

Seeing his own sister naked, didn't alarm or surprise him. It only made him worried, as for a girl of seventeen Tomoko's body was still like a child's. She was too thin and too pale. Her breasts were flat against ribs showing through her skin, rib bones that he could feel if he touched her. Her stomach was hollow, her hips unshapely. Objectively, most girls his age had better bodies (all young girls' bodies his friends talked about...). She was almost painful to look at, with her that thin. This near, he can almost see the veins between her small breasts, blood vessels branching in light blue-green patterns through her arms under death-pale dry skin. His sister was kneeling on the floor and facing him, upon a green pool of silk and foamy dark chiffon cloth of her now useless prom dress. She pulled the ornaments off her head and let her hair down, and it fell, covering her face. Unfallen tears, from shame, welled on her red-veined eyes.

Tomoki got a spare black shirt from his backpack on the bed, threw it to her face, and she wore it.

Tomoki laughed, and Tomoko shot him a glare while pulling down the shirt over her head. "What's funny?" she asked.

"You were trying to cover up, as if you had anything much to hide..."

Tomoko rolled her eyes. "Flat-chested jokes are too old. They don't affect me at all," she said, but looked down on her own chest and felt a pang of disappointment, why didn't it grow out yet? It only made Tomoki laugh more.

There was a long silence after that. They only looked at each other, then Tomoki lay down his own bed, his feet still on the floor. After minutes, she still stayed.

This looked like another night where Tomoko will sleep in his room. She usually sleeps on the floor. She does that sometimes, when she's scared from reading creepy stories on the net, when she wants to get infected when he gets sick, or on some rare nights where Tomoki can't figure out a reason. He allows her that, as long as she keeps quiet. It doesn't happen often, anyway.

He didn't expect what happened next. Tomoko held him by the legs, pressed her face against his knees, and whispered a request in an almost desperate, begging tone,

"Sleep with me."

"What the hell? Get your own mattress and sleep on the floor."

"I want to sleep with you."

"Don't tell me you mean..."

Hell.

On her part, she wanted something out of him. There was something else she wanted to say but couldn't express. She knows there's a good chance he'll ignore this anyway and drive her out of his room like what he always does. Now she regretted saying those silly, dumb pleadings just after the words came out of her mouth. She had wanted to feel better, to make the anxiety over this ridiculous event tonight over. Now, it was headed for worse. She was preparing herself to be kicked out from his room, but there was a tiny hope that her brother would let her...

She wasn't sure with what she wanted. Something like, I want us to be like what we were before. But she didn't want to seem that cheesy. She didn't understand her own feelings – she hated her brother's guts sometimes, but at the same time she wants to get close.

What made it worse was Tomoki, who wasn't moving or saying anything, as if he was only letting her embarrass herself in front of him. She didn't want to, and didn't intend herself to, but involuntary tears from prolonged shame fell from her eyes. She tried to tell her tears to stop, it made her look stupid. She wished for time to turn back, to take back the words to her mouth where they could stay unspoken.

#

This close, it was easy to kick her to the open door and out of his room. There was something wet on the skin of his knees. Tears? There was no handkerchief or tissue paper nearby, the only thing near he can use to wipe it off his skin was the black silk necktie from the suit he had worn earlier. It was there, a narrow shadow draped over his chair, next to his bed. He took it, and slipped it beneath her forehead pressed on him, slipped it lower to cover her eyes. On a whim, he knotted it tight, blindfolding her.

"Stop crying on me," he said to her.

Tomoko touched the necktie tied to her eyes.

"What's this? You have a blindfold fetish or something?" Her voice was trembling and weak, but he could hear there was a hint of anticipation there.

Out of nowhere: he began to feel the first stirrings of excitement; he had an inkling of attraction to what potentially could be forbidden, given that they were siblings. He shoved her face down the sheets instead, and said in an unfeeling tone,

"You said you wanted to sleep with me. Then lie down," he said, and his sister was feeling her way around his bed because of the blindfold, hands wandering over his sheets and pillows, then settled herself and lay down the middle of his bed. Tomoki felt that she looked unsure and doubtful, but she followed his words.

He didn't know until then, that those things thrilled him, the sight of someone so annoying and irritating like his sister now silent on his bed. He had wound a black silk tie on her head to cover her eyes. Her lips slightly open as if this was all a mild shock to her, like she's wondering what will happen next, but she's keeping her breath silent. She had nothing on but his shirt, and her underwear. Her legs were clamped together and he flipped one knee aside with a soft tap of his finger, and it excited him how easily her legs silently snap apart. He didn't know until then that he liked the feeling of control, and Tomoko was letting him do this of her own will. That she had allowed him this, even if she was the older of them. She had submitted to him, in her own small way, and he realized that...

He can do anything he wants. And Tomoko would want it too; she may even ask for it, he can make her beg for it.

But... he didn't know what to do with another body exactly. His own hands were shaking, he himself was unsure.

"Don't make a sound. If you say anything or make any noise, I will stop." He articulated every syllable, like a threat and warning. He faked that apathetic tone, but inside, his heart was threatening to beat its way out of his chest. He never felt this before except during soccer games, the trembling excitement that drummed through his system like a kind of high.

His sister responded with a slight nod, head slowly stretching back, revealing/offering her neck. Tomoki touched it, noted the fast pulse, the blood streaming past veins. His fingers moved straight to the space above her heart, where the beats were even faster, like fast drumming sounds with no spaces in between. He slid his hand under her shirt and stroked, touched, caressed. He pressed his lips to her neck, not kissing but only feeling. For a few moments, since he was clueless, this was what he did.

Just simple touches, but it made her arch her back and push her hips up. He moved and straddled them, sat on her legs to keep her from moving, and in this silence the sound of their clothes against the bed sheets were loud. He thought, If she can react like that at little things like this, how would she react if I did more?

But his own heart was racing so fast, he felt it might outrun him.

And he decided to stop.

...and forced himself away from these feelings, since he had no clue what to do next anyway. He didn't want her to feel that he was nervous. He stopped, and instead took his sister's words for their literal meaning. He could give her this instead: to simply, sleep together for now. Then, like a gift bestowed, the promise of deep sleep overwhelmed him, and he tucked his sister's body near him, pretended she was another pillow, and held her as he slept.

#

Darkness. All sensation from her eyes to her skin. A hand flicked her knee aside, she felt like a puppet and spread her legs with no shame or question. For the first time, hands not her own slipped beneath her shirt and caressed her skin, sending tiny electric shocks through her spine and making her skin tingle. The sensations increased even more when soft, thin lips ran slowly through the delicate, sensitive skin between her neck and right shoulder, and how she wanted to cry out then for him to stop teasing her like that and get it over with and kiss her. Her skin was so starved to be touched, every caress was overwhelming torture but she wants it to overtake her.

Pleasure shot through her, inexplicably, and her body leaned towards him, wanting to touch him back in any way. Legs gave in, moving up, and she was stopped by the heavy weight of her brother sitting on her.

This was nothing like what she ever imagined. This was better than anything she could think of.

Then, as abruptly as it began, he stopped. Tomoko felt his arm pull her to him, another arm curling against her in an embrace, and her brother simply held her.

She waited. Tomoko thought that they would go so far, but now her brother was breathing deep and already asleep. She didn't take off the blindfold over her eyes yet, tied there by Tomoki. She was touched, and she's never felt anything like it before.

Tomoki stopped. She felt relief but at the same time despair – it felt like her heart was near exploding, and if Tomoki had done more than that her heart might combust or something. But then, if it had, what could've happened then? Now, he was holding her, embracing her, and it felt that it was all that mattered. The last time they had slept like this together when they were children, so many years ago.

Even then, her heart was pounding. She had forgotten how good and safe it felt. Once, even a short hug from a stranger, a mascot in a school fair – it made her whole week feel good even if she was alone. But this one wasn't some random person, this was her brother, and this will last as long as they slept in his bed and as long as he wants to. He smells so clean this near, like soap and warm water, that she felt that she was the one defiling him with her own reek of sweat. She felt... giddy and it was hard to sleep. For so long, she had wished for someone to simply holdher. But this, this amazing thing has been waiting for her all along, and all she ever had to do was ask him.

She almost squirmed in delight, but then calmed herself since Tomoki might wake and be in the mood to throw her out. So, Tomoko took off the silk cloth covering her eyes, and saw Tomoki's sleeping face, he looked so peaceful and sweet that she wanted to kiss him goodnight like how she used to when they were kids. But then again she doesn't want to do stupid things lest he'll wake and hate it or lash out and stop this. So instead she tried to remember, all the details of this moment since it might not happen again: Tomoki's breathing, his warmth, the arms around her, the feeling that nothing can hurt her. Even while she was trying to enjoy it, she already feels sad that it might as well be the last time. Then by the next night, she'll be alone in her cold bed and this safe warmth will be another memory, another fantasy.

If this keeps on going on I might just fall in love with him over something this small.

Then she remembers that there was nothing special about this at all, only that after so long they are sleeping like this again. They only stopped sleeping in the same bed when Tomoki was near ten and decided to sleep in his own room.

Flashback. She was ten, he was nine...

#

"Tomoki, if you don't clean up your own mess I'm gonna make you sleep with Mom again!" Tomoko scolded her brother, who left broken cicada shells, toy cars, crayons, and scattered paper with drawings on their bed. He was running the cars over the cicadas, and the insect skins run over by the tiny cars were crushed.

"But nee-chan, I'm tired."

"Tired from what? You've only been playing the whole afternoon."

"Nee-chan, please? You always clean it for me anyway..."

"Tch. Okay," Tomoko said, deciding to clean it and fix their bed. Tomoki was already trying to sleep. After cleaning and turning off the lights, she laid down and was attacked by Tomoki with a fierce hug.

"Hey, not so tight! I can't breathe!" she said, and Tomoki only giggled and kissed her cheek, her lips. It was how her brother kissed her goodnight, before they slept, sharing the same pillow and blanket. She was kissed again, this time his tongue shyly slipped inside her mouth. In her surprise, Tomoko pushed him away.

"Ew!" Tomoko said, and wiped her lips.

"What's wrong, nee-chan? Isn't that how people who love each other kiss?" Tomoki said, looking hurt since she pushed him away.

"Where are you getting those ideas, Tomoki?"

"Um. On TV. Nee-chan didn't like it?" he asked, and he looked like a rejected puppy.

Tomoko sighed. "That's different from us. They're, you know, maybe... boyfriend and girlfriend or married. That's different from me and you."

"Nee-chan, is there a difference? I can't understand... but I'm sorry if you didn't like it and I won't do it again."

"It's different from being a brother and sister."

"But nee-chan, there's nothing in the world I love more than you." To Tomoko, typical brother talk when he wants to flatter her. Or when she cleans up his mess. He's said it so much, for years, that she started thinking it was empty and forced.

Without thinking, Tomoko answered, "And someday you'll hate me as much as you love me now."

"Don't say that, nee-chan. Maybe you're the one who will, but I won't, not ever..." Tomoki said, now speaking slurred, eyes half-closed and near sleep.

"Goodnight, otouto," Tomoko whispered, kissed him softly on the lips, a silent apology for hurting him earlier. She wrapped her arms around him and he hugged her back, and something tells her this won't last too long.

#

The next nights, Tomoki didn't hug her or kiss her goodnight. She only thought he might be tired. Tomoki went to their room when she was already asleep, and left by the time she wakes. This continued for a week until one night, Tomoko tried to hold him, but he pushed her away.

"What's wrong?"

"Stop touching me," he said.

"What's wrong with you?"

"I'm sick of your face."

"Where did you learn to talk like that? Since you got new friends now you're so full of yourself."

"I thought for myself."

"And a few days ago you were telling me..."

"I was lying."

"Get out. Don't sleep here anymore. You're pissing me off," she said. And Tomoki willingly went out without a word or even looking back.

The door to the next room slammed close with finality. His telltale warmth on the empty space next to her, his lingering smell, made tears well on her eyes. What did she do wrong this time? She thought that it was only for that night, but Tomoki never came back for the next night. Or the night after that. Or ever again.

End of flashback.

#

Sunlight?

She opens her eyes and sees a pale, diluted green sky, the tinge of healing bruises. Light, lilac clouds streaked the sky. This was a sky of another world. She wondered if she was transported while sleeping in some mysterious way.

An arm draped over her fell to her stomach as she sat up. Her brother was sleeping beside her. They were lying on a field of crimson poppies. She recalled a foreign fairy tale she forgot the title of, something with a yellow brick road leading to an Emerald City. She saw a lone, faraway sun that was nothing more than a pinpoint radiating muted light. Far away, she could see a pair of tall animals with black fur that looked like a mixture of a wolf, a boar, and a bear, walking on its long stilty legs, grazing and chewing on the red flowers. She looks around, and beyond the endless field of red was a wilderness of black, leafless trees.

She has looked on what's in front of her that she missed the soft voices calling her name behind her. Her brother was still sleeping, and here, there is no dark under his eyes and there is no school to bother about tomorrow.

"Tomoko," said the lilting female voices. She looked back, and there were the girls from another party, in another dream. The girl, with white pearl-blonde hair, was smiling at her with canine teeth. They all looked normal, wearing plain white dresses, sitting with feet bare on the green and red ground. Another girl, the one with four arms, the blue paint of her previous costume now scoured clean, revealing her tanned skin beneath. She was carrying each on her four hands: a knife, a tray of alien fruit that looked like grey pears, a plate with a black loaf, a dish made of tongues and eyeballs. She lay it down on the ground, and there are other girls around that she didn't recognize, since they were probably masked then.

The girl with white hair grinned at her with yellow fangs, and held an apple for her to eat. It was red, a scarlet shade so rich, bulging with temptation. The fruit moved, as if it was slowly breathing. She touched it, and it beat like a heart. Blood-colored juice swelled like droplets from the skin. It looked like a promise, like it will taste like everything she ever wanted, she'll never be hungry again. She opened her mouth, and the girl grinned, eager to feed her.

She was about to close her mouth on it, about to clamp her teeth, chew, and swallow it down... then she remembers, never to eat food offered from hell, or you will never go back home again. Isn't that the rule of fairy worlds? Wonderland, Oz, all the names for Hades? Now, where did all that silly logic come from? What even is this place? That isn't how the real world works, unless she has gone mad or if this was a dream. Then this is a dream.

Dreams stop when you realize they're dreams.

This is a dream, she tells herself. Nothing to be afraid of. Wake up.

#

She woke for real, the red poppies fading to a blur of indigo, then back to the blue of her brother's bed sheets. She was alone. He has probably left for practice. She recalled a dream, a field of red flowers under a pale green sky. Her brother did something strange last night. Tomoko wondered if that was a dream too, but then draped next to her head was a black silk necktie. She recalled Tomoki used it to cover her eyes.

Damn.

Forget about the silly prom, but after that – all those things from last night.

She wants that to happen again.

#

...to be continued. Even if I'm writing I'm also asking myself 'WTF is this?'.

Chapter Text

"I think that guy likes you," Tomoko said to Kotomi, who again dismissed the greetings of one boy with auburn hair and a nice smile who kept on borrowing and returning books, asking Kotomi what's new, what to borrow, what would she recommend for him to read? Kotomi kept on showing her irritation, never smiling back. She only answered him with terse commands that he himself look at the new arrivals shelf or the library catalog on the computer.

"Well, I don't like him. I find him annoying. What do you know about liking people anyway," she said, trying to avoid talking to Tomoko before this but she had no choice but answer.

"You're even lucky to have the attention. You know you've no chance with my foolish little brother."

Kotomi grit her teeth. One time she almost choked this girl when she made fun of her crush on Tomoki. A girl she wouldn't even talk to or even look at when she wasn't Yuu's friend, or Tomoki's sister. Not to mention all the embarrassing things about Kotomi she's said when Tomoki was around. Kotomi is still bitter over that. But then she tolerates her around, if not for her she wouldn't know a thing about Tomoki, who was still a mystery to her. She believed she loved him, it was the kind of unrequited crush a girl might feel at least once in her life, and the distance and impossibility of one's object of affection only makes the infatuated hopeful. It seemed that the more painful or unattainable the love, the more it seemed to arouse the hopelessness of hopeless romantics. Well, no one ever got what they want. It was the same story all over again: Boy likes girl, but girl likes another guy who doesn't love her back.

"Goodbye and thanks, Komiyama-san!" said the guy again who was now about to leave the library. To Tomoko, he was kind of cute.

"Hn," said Kotomi, and a young woman walked in the door. She was carrying a large, packaged box and placed it on Kotomi's table.

"New books we bought," she said with a smile. "Thank you, Kotomi-chan! It's the end of your duty for now. And next time, be more kind to library users, okay? Or they won't be encouraged to come back here."

"Fine, ma'am. It's just that, that guy always wants more attention that I can't help other students," Kotomi said, and got her own bag to leave the library. "Goodbye, I'm still going to watch the football team practice."

"Bye!"

Tomoko followed her out. "Who's that?" she asked.

"She's the part-time librarian, who's also the literature teacher. I'm just a student assistant."

"Where you heading? To watch my brother again?"

Kotomi didn't answer, she only continued walking and ignored Tomoko in the hopes that she'd leave. Once outside, they sat on the bleachers near the field, together with other students watching. Kotomi chose a corner in the front seats, most were crowded on the upper benches for a better view of the practice game. Tomoko sat beside her without a word. The after-school sunlight from the setting sun was making everything look saturated, sepia-golden, yellow-orange.

There he was, who Kotomi was looking for, Tomoki. He kicked the ball and ran like hell, while the defensive team tried to block him. She always liked to look at how he ran and the expressions on his face. Right now he's got that smirk that says, even if how all of you try, none of you can outrun me. It never fails to make her heart skip a beat, and maybe that's why all the girls are watching just to watch him smile since he never does outside the game.

She never really paid attention to the game, her eyes were focused on him. She never saw anyone else or cared about the cheering students, they turned to a blur and their sounds were muted, she saw only him.

Soon, the game was over, the boys carrying Tomoki up in the air, and him laughing and what a sound that was, he looked like first prize, the champion.

Somewhere there, their pretty boy Team Captain with a tooth-paste commercial grin, spiked black hair, and tanned skin draped an arm around Tomoki's shoulders and said, "I'm lucky to have such a cute boyfriend." Out of nowhere, he kissed Tomoki in front of everyone, and the boys howled, cheered, laughed in hysterics. Girls squealed.

Kotomi can almost hear her heart shatter. They were kissing like they lived for it, and of all things... the love of her life was kissing back.

"So he isn't a siscon after all. He just likes guys," Tomoko said like it was a fact. Kotomi left her without saying goodbye.

#

After everyone has left, Tomoko still sat and watched the empty field. She didn't understand the language of football, didn't take time to learn the game's vocabulary of offensive, defensive, goal keepers, defenders, fielders, strikers. All she knows is the ball must hit the target. She didn't understand it.

She had been so nervous about watching before, scared of others, but now it was curiosity that made her watch. This was the first time she watched her brother play, and the cheers didn't bother her now. Tomoki's team won, and all the boys flocked around Tomoki like they were a pack, a tribe. Tomoki smiled, looking like he was feeling great and having the time of his life, surrounded by his team. It was a feeling foreign to Tomoko, and she can't help but feel envy.

When she saw her brother kiss another boy, she only felt mild curiosity. (To think, until now the only person she ever kissed was Tomoki. Now there he was, handing out kisses to others for free).

It was almost evening, the sky already blue. She was looking at her own shoes, and saw the long shadow of another person touch her feet. She looked up and saw her brother.

"Let's go home," Tomoki said, and she nodded. They walked, him in front of her, and there is always a distance between them. They reached the street outside school when Tomoki turned around and waved, in a gesture for her to go away.

"Hey, take a few more steps back so people won't know we're siblings," Tomoki said, and before she could answer him, Tomoki's friends flocked near him. So that's why he wanted me to go away.

"Tomoki! We're going to eat dinner somewhere. Wanna go with us?" asked one cheerful-looking guy she always sees with Tomoki in his class.

"Sorry guys, but I'm going home. I need to catch up with sleep."

"Man, whatr'e you up to? You're not going with us as much now. You have a girl to spend time with instead of us?"

"What girl? I gave Tomoki his first kiss," pretty boy Team Captain said, holding Tomoki by the shoulders in an attempt to kiss him again, but Tomoki shoved his face away.

"That wasn't my first kiss."

"Oh, there's something you haven't talked to us about! Then with who?"

"With my sister, fucker! Stop it! Don't you have a girlfriend?" Tomoki said, shoving the boy's face away from him, who was insistent about kissing him again.

"And I felt like you liked it earlier just after the game, right?" The boy winked at him.

"It was only because we won," Tomoki answered.

"Is that her?"

"Who?"

"Your sister? It's obvious, you kinda look alike. Why didn't you tell us you had a younger sister? Hello, Tomoki's little sister!"

"She's my older sister. Older than me by a year," Tomoki said without looking at his sister. Tomoko managed to smile at them (a smile that she hopes doesn't look creepy).

"Older sister? Bye then, nee-chan!" They all waved goodbye at her. Tomoki sneered, Tomoko waved back at them.

They kept quiet the rest of the way, to the train ride home, then the short walk in their village home.

"Hey Tomoki, about last night..." she said to him, as he opened the gate with his key.

"Forget it," he said without looking at her. Tomoko could hear something harsh in his dismissal, then he glanced at her with hate. His expression showed what those two words meant, Stop hoping it'll happen again or lead to something more.

Tomoko felt like she was slapped in the face.

#

After that, she wonders how she might make what she wants to happen occur again. How would she approach him? Saying "Hey, let's make out" would sound weird. What happened then was probably only caused by their exhaustion, both of them hating that event and wished they went home instead. Was he doing it because he felt he owed her a favor? Did he feel the same as her then?

Her brother's last comment, telling her to forget it all hurt her like salt rubbed on a bleeding wound. How could he? Saying forget it when she can't? How can she forget something like that? It isn't like memory is a piece of paper she can throw out her mind like trash, or a thought she can discard from her brain any time she wants.

Forget it. Two words that was so simple yet so difficult to do. Her mind was naturally obsessive and over thinking. Maybe this was only another incident when she mistook someone's feelings for her.

Like that time she thought guys wanted her when they only actually wanted to tell her that ants were crawling all over her. Wasn't at that time she also thought that Tomoki got the hots for her when she wasn't hot at all but only dirty and greasy? To think that she even thought that, Even my younger brother can't resist me! But then, it turned out that...

She's the one who had the hots for him.

No. Just no.

What had happened didn't last for more than a few minutes, but nothing had replayed in her head more. Her skin shivers at the thought of them sharing a bed, at the memory of Tomoki holding her. Her mind kept on thinking of possibilities, and kept hoping on the unlikeliest one of them all:

Did Tomoki... want her and was only denying his own feelings?

No. Yes. Maybe. No, of course not. Then why would he do that if not? But why is he acting so cold again today? Dismissing her just like that? But he went to her that afternoon after the game, they went home together, and she was unintentionally introduced to his friends.

He's said something sounding affectionate towards her – about her being his first kiss. And that triggers another run of memories of all the time they ever kissed, of every time he's said he loved her and wanted to be with her forever. She wished the barrage of thoughts would stop, but her questions lead to more questions and anxiety. In the end, anger, that he might be playing with her mind, getting his ego flattered out of her following him. Maybe he was trying on an experiment, of how far he can make her gullible.

She only followed his every word. Just tell me what you want and I will do them. I won't make a sound, I just want to feel those things again. Now, where did those thoughts come from? All this because of. Two. Damn. Words.

Forget it.

She was trying to make herself stop obsessing, stop thinking about it, but of course the results of that attempt is: she can think of nothing but it. How can something preoccupy a mind just so?

Why did he do that? Does he like her? Did he feel the same as her? Did he want her?

She tried to calm her doubts and questions, to stop her brain from obsessing. And went to a place she always goes to when her mind was full of questions no one could answer. The internet, of course. She typed 'incest' on Gaagle, and the search results made her think, what the hell makes this country so obsessed with incest? There were all sites on manga scans, all hentai stories and doujinshi that featured wish-fulfillment fantasies of brothers and sisters screwing each other, all unrealistic situations that lead to sex and even more fantastical body proportions that real women don't have. Older brothers and younger sisters. Older sisters and younger brothers. Parents and their children. Sometimes both, sometimes all.

While she's reading and criticizing the stories in her mind, she didn't realize time passing, that in one sitting she's read through ten titles in a couple of hours. Time check: 9 PM. Usually, she'll catch herself at past 12.

It's always a weird time displacement, the internet. Browse, fall into the rabbit hole and you'll never realize you've already gone too far and you've wasted hours. The stories didn't make her feel anything, only disgust at herself. Now, imagining doing all those kinds of things with her brother was enough to make her puke.

Now, she felt like a desperate loser. Most likely, that's what he's thinking about her too. She felt like slime, like a dead slug stepped over and left to dry in the sun. She was the desperate one clamoring for touch and attention, and she feels so dirty, she felt like someone so perverted and unattractive that she's asking, begging for her brother to merely touch her.

If he wants her to forget it, then why'd he do it? Maybe to plant false hopes in her heart. Last night was the first time she felt safe, loved, in his arms. Yet by today he's back to being full of himself again.

She can show him that she doesn't care.

But still. She mustered her courage, and decided to go to his room again. She figured that the only thing that can help her get rid of the thoughts is the very person who started them.

#

Thinking about last night only made him cringe. That he felt those things and acted on them. That they've slept in the same bed, him holding her. To think, he was lying on the same pillow as where his sister laid down the other night. But thoughts have a way of rising out of nowhere with no control and he had no choice in what to think. It's not like he can make a deliberate choice to stop thinking about it then it will be gone just like that.

To think that he's touched her, and that he wanted it. He felt dirty and disgusted at himself, but even throughout classes and practice games these are the things that flash through his mind: his sister's willingness, her vulnerability.

He was trying to make himself stop obsessing, stop thinking about it, but of course the results of that attempt is: he can think of nothing but it. How can something preoccupy a mind just so?

Staring at his ceiling again, he remembered that the only time he got decent sleep in years was when he slept, in his bed, together with his sister. It has been long since that happened, long before, when they were children and there was nothing wrong with bathing together. When puberty came, what was once normal for children and siblings are already awkward and in a sense, forbidden. He thought of those restrictions. When you are a child all your concerns are playing and fairy tales. Growing up is scary, and being childish is looked down upon. He recalled all the silly moments when they still shared the same room, innocent kisses and shows of affection, until he decided he was ashamed, and stopped all that, and began sleeping in his own room.

It's not like its gonna happen again anyway. His sister was his sister and nothing more.

In his lack of sleep, he already can picture Mister Insomnia in the dark corner of his room. He was standing there, like a fact of life, and he imagined that he looked just like the blank, faceless white visage of Slenderman. Shadows of tendrils seemed to coil around his frame. Tomoki blinked, and in his sleepless state it seemed that he could really see it.

He's creeped out at himself for doing those things. He cringed at the thought that he had felt want, that he had touched her. Now, the ever-present problem was that she might ask him to do it with her again. What would he answer?

Then, as if on cue, the door opened. He forgot to lock it again.

#

Though nervous, she opened the door to his room with every intention of annoying him. She could act like how she always does before. She went in and sat on the floor as usual. Tomoki pretended she wasn't there. So, it looked like he intended ignoring her existence tonight.

"So, blindfolds? What's next? Handcuffs? Spankings? Tying people up? I didn't know you had it in you, to be into all kinds of kinky shit," she said.

"If you say it like that, it won't happen again. So shut up about it. Get out. I don't want to look at you, and I can't sleep, you're making it worse."

"I won't," Tomoko said. He had said, if you say it like that, it won't happen again. So he... was also thinking of a next time all along. She still had a chance, it could happen again. His threat silenced her. She wanted it more than anything, of course, and for once she didn't argue. She felt it again, the slow excitement. Would they continue on from what they stopped from last night?

They had gone through this a thousand times. Tomoki scolds her to go away, she stays put. Now, she didn't know what to do or say, she thought it'd be easy, but its like she was faced with an impenetrable wall. Her tongue caught in her mouth, wanting to say something but she couldn't. After another long silence, Tomoki was the first to speak.

"You wanted something, right? If you want to sleep here, then get on the bed."

How could he read her mind like that?

As soon as she stepped nearer, he pulled her arms to him, to his bed.

"I'm only doing this because I slept better last night with you around."

He cradled her head in one arm, and Tomoko lay down on her side, head on his chest. Suddenly, all her thoughts tumbling about her mind disappeared. This was all it took to calm her. She smiled.

To Tomoki, all those things he thought before this made no sense anymore.

"We won't make out?," she asked. She closed her eyes, pursed her lips and leaned to him as if she was going to kiss him. Her lips met Tomoki's clenched fist, who then pushed it towards her face in a soft parody of a punch in the face. Then his fist was replaced by his lips, he still kissed her on the cheek and said, "Goodnight, nee-chan."

Tomoko blinked open at Tomoki's kissing her. But then, the damn guy was already snoring. Now what was she, a sleep aid? He slept at the expense of her sleep, because sleeping beside him the other night only made her giddy and unable to sleep at at all. But then, soon she was asleep too.

Tonight, there were no dreams. Both of them had never slept so peacefully.

to be continued

Chapter Text

He woke with a hangover. It was night. It felt like anvils are pounding through his head with resonating pain. The aftertaste of alcohol is in his mouth, though he's never been drunk in his life before, did not even have a taste of liquor. He found himself sitting between the roots of a large oak tree. He looked beyond, and saw a mass of naked bodies lying side by side in the space in the middle of the woods. Their bodies shone in the pale moonlight. He looked at the full moon, and he can't remember seeing the moon this large. He looked at the heap of people he first thought were dead bodies. He saw that some of the bodies are not human at all – he could see anthropomorphs resembling satyrs, goat-faced Baphomets, lying in post-coital bliss with other humanoid creatures.

He looked down at his own clothes, and saw that he was wearing a loden-green wool trench coat that reached his knees over the suit he wore for prom... He decided to leave before the strange people could notice him, before they could see that he was different than them, but he could not find a way out. All that surrounded him were forests.

He stood, and walked towards the dense trees. He was only guided by the light from the moon. He stepped over twigs and leaves that crunched under his shoes. In the dark, he could see the shadows of scurrying creatures – bats, squirrels, rats, whatever lurks in woods. But soon, the light faded to darkness, until all he could see was pitch black. He tried to go back the trail where he came from, but the light never came back, and it felt like he only got more lost.

He could still hear the rustle of dried leaves and grass he was stepping on, but it seemed that the dark had swallowed him whole. He tried to calm the fear in his heart. He suddenly had the urge to run but he knows running is useless here, he would only be impeded by the trees. He stopped, and closed his eyes, thought that the place might change once he opened them again. He waited, but the dark didn't change whether he closed his eyes not, it remained the same. He tried to control his panic.

He saw a faint glow on his peripheral vision. He turned, and followed the light. It was a milky, dim phosphorescence. He walked slowly, pushing away the trellis vines on his path that hung from tree branches. He could feel their thorns cut through the skin of his hands, but he soldiered on to the light. He walked for what seemed like a very long time, and was already losing hope that what he was following was merely a mirage. Then, he found the light source. It shone enough that he could see the thorned vines around the trees, dotted with red glass flowers. Then, he saw what was glowing was a creature he has not seen before.

There stood a beast standing in four legs, a white horse. A single, spiral horn of a narwhal protruded from the middle of its forehead. Its eyes were yellow and round, pupils black slits like wounds. They looked like the enlarged eyes of a python. Around the eyes were specks of jade-green scales. It was a unicorn. He felt awe, and he also felt what anyone would if they met an enchanted creature. He wanted to get near it, to touch it, tame it, love it. He wants to climb and sit astride it, to stroke it's mane. He walked nearer, and the beast looked straight into his eyes. This wasn't not the kind of wild animal that bolts and runs at the sight of a human.

A voice out of nowhere spoke, like the dark itself spoke. "Only virgins can touch unicorns," it said.

"I'm a virgin. I'm only sixteen, and I've not done that yet," he answers.

"Anyone who merely looks at a woman with lust in his heart is already guilty of sin."

"What are you talking about? Who are you? Show yourself," he said, he tried to bite back the tremble in his voice that showed his fear. "I just want to touch it," he said again, and the creature looked at him with those all-too-knowing eyes.

The voice interrupted again, "What about that night you almost took your sister?"

"Really, what the hell? It doesn't mean that way. She asked for it, and it'll not happen again anyway."

"Even now you are sleeping with her."

"And is there anything wrong with that? I am here. How can I be sleeping with... wait. This is a dream. Unicorns can't exist in the other side. Please, I just want to touch the animal before I wake up..."

"But the question is, does it want you to do so?"

"Please," he said, a request to the creature. He stooped low, knelt on one knee and held out his hand. He wanted the creature to come to him out of its own will.

The creature had walked towards him with its head down. He touched it. He's never felt anything so lush, so soft, as the fur of its mane. He caressed the horn, the bone crusted with iced white snow. The unicorn looked at him, the python eyes forgiving and telling him that he was a good boy, it told him to ignore the devils' voices. He was pure and clean, and unicorns only like virgins. He pressed his face to its cheek, and it smelled like fresh orchids and expensive Chanel perfume. With love and devotion, he touched the unicorn for the last time, and already he knew that the next moment the illusion would be gone...

#

He wakes up, and his hand was not touching unicorn fur but the bed sheets. His other arm curled around his sister's waist, and him breathing in the smell of shampoo in her hair. She was still asleep. It's been a long time since they slept together in the same bed, and he resisted the urge to kiss her awake. He thought that in a childish whim, because kissing in the mornings had been a habit for years... but those were children's kisses, and they were no longer kids. She opened her eyes, emerald-green eyes, or almost the green of Mountain Dew glass bottles. A green so lush, and he never realized all the complications of human eyes until he looked into one. Realizing they were too near, and that her eyes were open and looking at him, he was the first to let go and turn away.

"I just had a strange dream. There was a unicorn, and a creepy voice telling me unicorns only like virgins. But I did touch the unicorn and it felt so nice, it smelled so good, I'd like to have one," he said.

"So, you're a virgin," she answered, rubbing her eyes.

"Hell, you are, too. I don't ever remember my dreams like this, I always forget them by the time I open my eyes."

"I've had pretty weird dreams with you in them and some white girl, and someone who looks like Kali, but I've forgotten most of them. Some even had dances turning to orgies and sentient fruits... Snow White stuff, not sure..." she trailed words and yawned.

There is a liminal space between sleeping and waking, between the last forgotten dream and finally being awake. Two insomniacs sleeping in the same bed ended up having a strange, sleepy conversation that morning, about dreams and things they wouldn't normally talk about when they were fully awake and aware.

"Your eyes are so green. Your bangs keep on covering your left eye. Maybe you should change your hair style. Can you still see properly?" he asked.

"I see fine. Your eyes are dark green, like pine leaves, and your eyes look different from mine. Yours are narrow. Mom's eyes are green. Dad's eyes are black."

"And your eyes are big," Tomoki answered, and yawned as well. He turned his back to her, and slept again. The early sunrise was outside, and Tomoko left his bed and returned to her own room. This morning, all the thoughts of last night didn't make any sense. She decided not to do this again... for a while. Two nights were enough.

She felt something has shifted. Something has changed between them, that if ever she wanted to sleep beside him, it would be alright with him. He didn't say it or give her full permission, but it was something she was sure of. Living with someone all your life, even with mutual intolerance, can make people understand some things without speaking.

#

Things like:

"Let's go home. No more detours."

That was years ago. This happened in a bad attempt at a disguise, so her classmates won't recognize her. She met her brother on her way out. She's heard one of his classmates say, what an ugly girl. She broke into a run the moment she stepped out of that fast-food restaurant, not knowing where to go, just ran and ran until she was tired. She crouched, breath heaving, clutching her knees. She saw that she reached a familiar playground. The only space to sit was in the swings. There were no children playing at this hour. The monkey bars, slides, swings, and see-saws were once painted in pastel paint, but now there are more patches of rust than paint. They used to play here, too.

Her brother arrived, just knowing where she was even if she hadn't told him. It didn't surprise her. Some things between a brother and a sister, they just know, in their own secret, silent language.

#

She felt the subtle change in the days that passed. There seemed to be no trouble with them eating breakfast together. For the first time, they went to school together. All these done without talking or questions, all seamless. Tomoko felt that if she talked or asked something silly, he wouldn't mock her. She rather liked these comfortable silences.

She didn't sleep there again, but felt that if she ever did it would be okay with him. There was still no explanation to that blindfold incident nights ago, though. But sometimes, in the moments before she slept, she hugged a pillow and imagined it all over again. It made her sleep better, and knew that if she wanted the real thing, it was only in the next room...

#

A week later.

"Something seems to be wrong with Tomoko," said his mother, setting two cups of steaming coffee on the dining table. Tomoki proceeded loading it with sugar and heaps of dairy cream.

"She's quieter than usual. And less annoying than usual," he answered.

"You seem to be getting along better. Is she sleeping in your room?"

"Just sometimes. Only twice, I think."

"In the same bed?"

"Yeah."

Her mother's answer was only a quirk of one eyebrow.

"You know, I remember when you both were younger... you always forced Tomoko to cuddle with you, and she didn't like it, and I always had to tell you, 'Tomoki! Stop molesting your sister!'" his mom said and laughed.

Tomoki visibly cringed. "Ugh. Just stop," he said, and his mother only laughed more.

"Your father is going home tonight."

"He's away a lot I forget he exists."

"How many times do you drink coffee in a day?"

"This is my third cup..." Tomoki said, sipping it.

"Maybe you should cut the dosage. Hell, that's probably why you can't get enough sleep. Look at your eye bags."

"I can't," he said, looking at his reflection of the surface of the coffee in his cup. It could be the solution to insomnia.

"I read once in Reader's Digest that in one country they tested the sewage of one city to know the most consumed drug. Can you guess what?"

"Cocaine? Meth? Weed?"

"No. Caffeine. That's why you should think of quitting," his mother said.

The doorbell rang, and his sister went in. It was time for dinner. His sister didn't go in his room, but for some inexplicable reason she seemed more pleasant... He thought that maybe his sister has grown out from a phase.

#

One morning in school, Tomoko's math teacher was absent. She didn't want to stay and listen to all her classmate's chatter and the usual noise when there was no teacher. She decided to get out and sneak in her brother's classroom. She brought his dictionary, as an excuse to meet him to return it. She was about to walk in, but stopped when she saw that there was a teacher. It was the same woman from the library Komiyama talked about. Their lesson was about poetry – free-verse. The teacher was saying that poetry wasn't only in the form of rhymed meter and precise numbers of verses and stanzas. Some famous poems were free-form, the poet not heeding to formal rules. Tomoko sat near the door where she can see and listen. Her brother was there, looking out the window.

"Can you read the poem in the text for us, Tomoki?" the teacher asked her brother, and he stood up. The class was silent, it seemed that most of his classmates were bored and sleepy. In the classroom quiet, his was the only voice, reciting an eccentric poem.

"The King's dear daughter has heard the good news, that her fairest, youngest brother has come of age and thus will be wed to a fair daughter of another Duke's kingdom. But she is keeping a secret, a living sin, a life beginning in her womb. And her child's father, is none other than her own father's son. Sons of David, Sons of Cain, I call upon thee, there is a beast lying in wait, slouching towards the world to be born - the first abomination, the first monster, is the diabolic product of the sin of a brother and sister..."

So on and so forth. Tomoki was good at reading, like he was acting out the odd sorrow of the story of the poem. She could not understand it, she did not have a mind to decode metaphors – the poem was composed of disjointed imagery, references to beasts and myths, of ancient tales. In fact, it sounded pretentious as hell, hinting at a depth it didn't contain. Or it only seemed to her that way, she disliked poetry. The only thing she understood was in the end, the sister killed herself and her brother buried him. She waited for the teacher's explanation.

"So what can you say about it?" The teacher asked Tomoki, who finished reading the poem with a sharp, audible intake of breath.

"I think it's not very good," he answered, and for no reason everyone laughed. They all probably couldn't get it too.

"Any reaction, anyone?" she asked the rest of the class.

"So, ma'am, last week we were talking about Antigone and the Oedipus and Electra complexes in psychology, so is there a term applying to sibling complexes? Something more formal than brocon and siscon?," some girl answered with more questions.

"Well, I do love my younger sister but not that way of course, and any guy who thinks of getting near her would have to go through me first. Oh, we were talking about the poem, right? I didn't understand it but it sounded pretty hardcore," said another guy.

"The dogs at home seem to have no such qualms. Our dog has sired children through his own daughters, he even had children with his own granddaughters. Siblings give birth to siblings who also make puppies..." said another one who probably had lots of pets at home.

"They're dogs, moron!" someone interrupted, and everyone laughed again. "That's it, Miss, if you'd like us to have a discussion on the incest taboo as stated in that poem, then that's the reason. Imagine the tangled mess it would make of a family tree if closely-related people do procreate," said some geek with hipster glasses. The teacher just smiled and nodded along, letting the class banter back and forth. It has never been that way in her classes where usually, a teacher asks and the common answer will be silence, unless the teacher makes one of them speak and answer.

"Now, we better move on to the next poem... who'd like to read?"

"Wait, well, I just thought," said Tomoki, and everyone stopped to look and listen to him. Tomoko observed him, also waiting for what he might say. "Let's just suppose what if the myth of Adam and Eve is true... then all of humanity must have descended from brothers and sisters. So I think, why is it weird now? It must have been normal and expected. Oh, but then they were the first humans. Gods and creation myths are also replete with incest, like Zeus and Hera, or Osiris and Isis from Egyptian myth for example... but then, they're also gods. Okay, I don't really know what I'm talking about. Go on..." He was there, just letting his thoughts wander while he was speaking, and he himself looked unsure with what he was talking about. Tomoki was smarter than her, at least when it comes to common sense, trivia, and facts.

"Do you happen to have a sister, Tomoki?" asked the teacher, and the classroom made another collective snicker.

"Well, yeah, we're only two siblings, I have an older sister but not like hell I'm considering that..." he said, and everyone burst into laughter again. Tomoko clutched the book, unexpectedly hurt. She decided to go to the girl's comfort rooms instead, and wait until the bell rings for her next class. She can at least sit on a toilet and sleep.

#

That night, when she slips a couple of fingers inside her underwear, she thinks that she had more... references now. Before, only further imaginations on how he hurt her – that grip, that kick. Now he knew how he smelled, how he held her, his breathing, how he was in all her five senses. She stops. Imagination and fantasies were nothing compared to the real thing. She gets up instead, and takes with her the black silk neck tie fished out of the fresh laundry, the makeshift blindfold he used nights ago. She hesitated at first, and wrapped the cloth around her fist.

She slides open the door to his room. He was sitting on his bed, and looked at her as if he expected her to come. She hopes that he won't notice her hands shaking on its grip on the blindfold. Trying to make her face as serene as possible, she walked towards him. He held out his hand. Again, that feeling of her heart racing. Now, she was the one curious. She wants to know how it felt like to control someone. She held the hand offered to her. She blindfolded him. She sat on the swivel chair, and observed him. He didn't seem to complain.

He looked cute with a blindfold. This was a silent thing, like a game. You did this to me once, and now it's my turn.

She didn't know what else to do except to look at him. Her brother used to be smaller than her, and she was the one carrying him on her back, long before. She only poked him, on his arms and on his sides. It made him twitch. She tickled him, he wiggled awkwardly.

"So, whatr'e you going to do?" he asked.

"Don't make any noise. If you say anything or make any noise, I will stop," she said, only saying what he told her then.

"Oh, I know you won't stop even if I just answered you..." he answered with amusement, but kept quiet after. She pulled his shirt up over his belly a bit, and his shorts were pulled so low down his hips the band of his boxers was showing. She pulled his shorts up to cover it. She only observed him, and on a whim, pressed the lightest of kisses on his shoulder. He didn't react. He neither showed signs of accepting or denying it, of liking or disliking it. She pressed her ear to his heart. She felt Tomoki's fingers run gently through her hair. She closed her eyes, and slept on him while sitting on the chair.

#

She woke later, in the earliest hours of morning. She took the blindfold off Tomoki and headed back to her room.

#

When Tomoko realized that she was in love with her brother, it was one late afternoon. They went home together after classes. They were alone in the kitchen, drinking coffee. They both had to stay up late to study for exams. It only occurred as a thought rising in her mind out of nowhere. Thunder didn't strike. The earth didn't break apart. It happened inside her, but it was only like she discovered that she had loved him all along. It was like an old, golden locket buried deep inside her heart that she only unearthed now and held to the light. It was as natural as going home every afternoon. She thought that her home was her brother. You can't help who you love. She felt that default brotherly love that normal siblings have, that is still there no matter how much they bicker, fight, or ignore each other.

But there was another kind, like a slow blossoming of a flower in a space beside her heart. She's never been in love before. She only knows it in theory. It didn't feel like the love in the games or on TV. She figured that what she felt was another kind of love entirely, the first of its kind, undiscovered and undescribed anywhere in the universe.

If he wasn't her brother, she wouldn't love him that way. It wasn't in the way he usually talked to her. It was in the small things: how he tucked her hair behind her ear one morning, the way he held her that he felt like she'd die if he'd ever let go, the way he approaches her in school to go home. The only person in the world who knew her inside out was him.

The realization happened while she was pouring water into her coffee. In a moment, she didn't think about herself and realized what love is and how little she knew about it. It was unselfish and kind. She thought that she understood it now.

He was sitting there on their dining table, the sunset's orange light through the window making his skin shine, it made the dark green of his eyes look iridescent. He looked out the window, but it seemed that he was thinking of a foreign place. He must be imagining himself somewhere inside a dark forest, stroking a handsome unicorn.

To her, it wasn't wrong as long as it didn't interfere with anything anyway. It was love for no reason. It didn't ask to be loved back. It was there just because.

#

Tomoki realized he was in love with his own sister. He realized this while looking at the steam rising from his cup of coffee, and there was no sound at all except the wind outside and her pouring hot water to her coffee cup. He ripped open a package of chocolate to eat later.

No one grated on his nerves more than her. Yet, it had been there all along, the feeling... as a boy that your sister was your one and only love. He's tried to fool himself he didn't feel it but he still did.

But it wasn't the kind of love he saw in movies, it didn't seem to be the same as what he saw as a fleeting kind of love in teenagers and boys his age. It was the kind of love that he's sure will not be over in an instant. He's felt it since he was young anyway. How everyone else can go but not your family. She was his home. The way he held her close, only opened up old feelings.

He decided to let it lie. They knew this was fine, them going on the way they were. He liked the feeling of being with her (though he won't admit that to himself), even though he doesn't like showing what he felt.

He'd never admit it to her in a million years, though. She'll always be near, anyway. She'll always be annoying to him. It was love for no reason. It didn't ask to be loved back. It was there just because.

It wasn't like he fell in love. It was there all along, he only put a name on it now. You can't help who you love, and when you hold that someone in your sleep, it just happens inside you like cancer.

#

Preoccupied with their own thoughts while sitting on the same table, Tomoki didn't realize that his sister was eating the rather expensive dark chocolate he brought yesterday. He was so mesmerized with how the golden light of the sunset was gradually fading on the leaves of the tree outside. He looked down, and what was left for him was only a wrapper.

"Thanks," she said.

He answered by gripping her head in an iron claw.

Well, nothing really changed after all.

to be continued. Next chapter: the confession. (I also started a couple of short one-shots for these two... soon).

Chapter Text

It was another school day, a Friday that marks the end of a school week. After classes, Tomoki waited for Tomoko outside the school gate, and he was still wearing his football uniform and he still smelled of sweat. When she passed by, he merely walked and followed her, pretending she wasn't there. It still irritated her when he does this, and she was a little hurt. She looked back, he was texting on his phone.

"Mom texted to buy detergent and electric tape," he said without looking at her. There was another supermarket near the train station, so they might stop there.

When they arrived, as usual it was Tomoko who wandered around, looking at clothes at the department store, while Tomoki bought what they needed – now, their mother trusted him more with those things.

"You still have some change? I'd like to try that," Tomoko said when they met again, and pointed to the nearby Milk Tea shop, the logo decorated with a coffee cup with a smiling face.

"Here," he said, handing her the money. She walked in.

The place was noisy with other high school and college students. There were a lot of choices, different flavors equally enticing, but when it was her turn she stuttered and couldn't even look at the cashier guy. After awhile, she still couldn't decide and the people waiting in line scowled in annoyance, it was obvious that they wanted her to hurry. Tomoki went in and intervened.

"Let me order. It seems that you'd die from just the simple act of ordering," Tomoki said, who clicked his tongue against his teeth in irritation. He shoved her out the line and ordered quickly. She went out the store and waited for him there.

He emerged with a plastic bag with two large, plastic tumblers of the drink. They walked out, this time Tomoki ahead. On their way to the station, they passed by a park lined with trees, and now the leaves are dark shadows with the coming evening. Tomoki sat on the bench. She sat beside him. He handed her the drink, it was wintermelon flavor.

There was something familiar with the empty park they stayed in. There was a tiny net for catching insects on the concrete, narrow pathway leading inside. It was near twilight, and they could hear the scream of cicadas over the grass. She realized that this was the same place where they used to go when they were looking for bugs and cicada shells, their hobby as children. All those summers they caught beetles, caterpillars, dragonflies. They were young then, and she was a young girl in pigtails and learned multiplication by counting cicada shells and how much they would earn from it – a hundred yen for each. She taught Tomoki how to count properly. She wondered if there was still a market for it.

"What's your type of girl?" Tomoko asked out of nowhere, just to have something to talk about it. As usual, he scowled and didn't answer.

"Then what's your type of guy? I saw you kiss a boy," she asked again.

"It was a joke. We did that to make everyone confused."

"I asked what kind of girl you like."

"I like quiet, unobtrusive girls who are not annoying."

"My type of guy is cute, and I prefer big eyes and a nice smile. In other words, your complete opposite," she said.

"I didn't ask and I don't care."

"Who is Osiris? I was listening to you in that class."

"Why were you eavesdropping in my class? Didn't you have your own class?"

"The teacher wasn't there so I went to yours."

"That's a long story and I've forgot most of it. Osiris was the first pharaoh."

"And what about his sister?"

"I'll try narrating it, fine. So there was Ra and Nut, and their children were two sons, Osiris and Seth, and two daughters, Isis and Nephthys. Osiris was the god of spring and life and Seth represented the deserts and sandstorms. Osiris married Isis, and Seth married Nepthys, but Seth also wanted Isis and Nephthys once pretended to be Isis and got pregnant with the son of Osiris."

"What kind of story is that?"

"I've not even started yet. It's an old myth, of course it doesn't make sense."

"It sounds like a sibling orgy."

"Will you let me finish? Those gods can only consort with their own kind. So where was I? Seth was jealous of Osiris, but he could not get the throne while Isis was there. So he had a party, invited his brother, and made a pretty chest just the size of Osiris. Seth says that he'll give the thing as a prize to the one who can fit in perfectly. Osiris got excited and jumped in and won it. But Seth used it to kill him." Tomoki said, and paused to sip his drink.

"I'll make this quick. So Osiris died, suffocated in his coffin tossed to the Nile until it got stuck and grew with a tree. A Queen heard about that tree and made it a pillar of her castle. Isis soon knew that the body of Osiris was there. She pretended to be an ordinary woman, and became the caretaker of the prince. She became fond of the son and made a weird ritual to make the baby immortal. It involved burning the kid, so when the Queen saw that she got angry."

"Then Isis showed her true form and they became afraid. The king and queen helped her, and gave her the pillar with the coffin of Osiris. When she got the corpse, Seth again stole it and cut it to pieces which he scattered throughout the land. But Isis recovered them again, and breathed life into his corpse, she and Osiris had sex, so she got pregnant with Horus, who is half-alive and half-dead. In the meantime the spirit of Osiris governed over heaven... whatever. Read about it yourself. The ending is something like Osiris will be revived again and he'll take his faithful followers to heaven. That's why they preserved the dead that way," Tomoki rambled on. All Tomoko knew about Egyptian myth were references in Yu Gi Oh. She just wanted to hear which brother and which sister got together.

"I don't know which is worse: him marrying his sister or his sister fucking his zombie corpse."

"Look, it is not real, okay. And don't say it that way. Isis, I think, was the example of a good and faithful wife. It was normal for gods. You saying that it's disgusting is based on your preconceptions, you also have to think of the context and history."

"Why, are you still thinking that you want to marry me?" Tomoko asked, suddenly remembering Tomoko's clingy days when he said that he loved her so much, when he told her they have to get married when he grows up.

As she expected, Tomoki almost choked on his milk tea when she mentioned that. He turned rather pale. She didn't know whether to laugh or feel slightly ashamed for saying that.

Tomoki sighed. "The story does not have anything to do with that, and real brothers and sisters can't be married," he said, and Tomoko smiled because that's what she answered too, when Tomoki proposed marriage when she was five.

Time passed in silence until their drinks were empty. Tomoki crunched ice in his teeth, and the sound of cicadas and other insects have become louder.

Another person passed by the empty park. It was a tall woman with straight, white hair and wearing an old, long blood-colored robe. She was walking with a white horse, dressed in leather and a fake ivory horn on its forehead. They continued walking, and as soon as they were far enough, Tomoko said, "That looks familiar."

"Is she a cosplayer? But from what show is that?" said Tomoki.

"I don't know. It's like I've seen her before. And you told me you dreamed of a unicorn."

"Nah. Maybe it was only your imagination. I can't remember telling you a dream."

Tomoki's phone beeped, he fished it out his pocket and flipped it open. "Mom's asking where we are. Time to go home," he said.

"And I'll be away next week. The contest's in another school and we'll leave tomorrow." They took a train ride, walked home. They didn't see each other again after dinner, Tomoki slept earlier since he had to leave by morning. His exhaustion after practice made him sleep right away. It is Friday, so Tomoko stayed up late on the net and slept at 4 in the morning, the weekend was coming anyway.

#

Saturday. Tomoko woke up from the sound of her phone telling her she received a text message. A name popped up in her inbox, her only friend who she hasn't seen for a while. It was Yuu. The message said, Mokochi, I'd really like to see you. Can we meet at the cafe where I work? Is 2pm ok? :)

She replied it was fine, and her bedside clock showed 1:00 pm. She still had an hour to eat a meal (that would be both breakfast and lunch), take a shower, and change to decent clothes. Her mother wasn't there. Her father was, in the living room and reading the daily newspaper.

"Dad, where did Mom go?"

"She went grocery shopping."

"I'll go out to meet a friend later, maybe I'll go home by 5."

"Okay. So how are you, Tomoko? And Tomoki?"

"We're doing okay. You didn't see him?"

"He left earlier this morning, and I just arrived at 10."

"Oh. He said he'll be back next week."

As she ate, she thought that her father worked hard for them, but she herself rarely saw him at home. They never really spoke about other matters other than this usual small talk. When she thinks of her family, the image of her father in her mind was a shadowy figure who wasn't really present in their lives.

#

Before she went inside the coffee shop, she saw Yuu waving at her outside. When she approached, Yuu embraced her. Yuu was pressing against Tomoko who stammered a greeting and blushed. When Yuu let go, she seemed to be hyperventilating.

"Are you okay, Mokochi?"

"I'm fine," she said, wishing the hug lasted longer. Tomoko wore her usual clothes, sneakers, jeans, the thin black jacket over the red tank top, the outfit she wore when she used to fool some kids in card games before. Yuu was in her pink uniform, a short cutesy dress crammed with lace and ribbons, and she smelled good as usual. Even though she gave the same perfume to Tomoko as a gift, it seemed that there was a secret she still didn't know about smelling good. Tomoko wonders if she can ever smell like that. Maybe she should ask Yuu. Maybe there was a perfume that can make her popular.

All the tables inside and outside were occupied, either with couples dating or loud college students talking. Yuu was the one who ordered for her, and set on the table three slices of cheesecake and three frappes topped with dollops of whipped cream and chocolate syrup.

"Uh, why are there three?" Tomoko asked.

"Oh, I invited someone else to come!" Yuu said, smiling.

Tomoko didn't ask who, but she was already starting to get nervous at the prospect of meeting another stranger. Then the other person was there. It was only Kotomi. The three of them have met, and stayed, in coffee shops before. What the hell would they all talk about? Maybe Yuu will ask about anime or games...

"Yuu-chan, You were supposed to tell me about the story about how you met your boyfriend last time..." Kotomi asked, completely ignoring Tomoko. She listened, it sounded as if they were continuing a conversation they had on the phone last night. Tomoko tried to show disinterest by eating, but she was actually curious. She's never met the guy or asked Yuu, but maybe listening will give her a clue on How to Get Guys.

"He was my friend at first. He told me he liked me and that he'd want me as his girlfriend. I said yes after two weeks!"

"That fast? Do you even feel the same as him?"

"I told him I like him too. It was pretty fast, but we've lasted for two years. We argue sometimes but not too much that we'll break up."

"It seems easy to say that, huh? But there are people who can't muster the courage to say that to people they like. Fear of rejection, for example," Kotomi said.

"It is very important to say what you feel. Otherwise, we won't have enough time anymore. So while you can, you have to tell people that you love them! So who is it, Kotomi-chan, the boy you like that you talked about last night? I won't tell."

"It's my younger brother," Tomoko said, interrupting them. Kotomi's face turned red, both from anger and shame of being revealed.

"That's actually great! Er, Mokochi, can we help Kotomi-chan here?"

"What?!" Tomoko was shocked. Kotomi almost choked her when she's said that her brother was ugly, pretentious, always trying to be cool. She was his sister, of course she'll know him better than any other girl. She felt jealousy again, towards Tomoki for not trying but he's still liked by many, towards Kotomi who had no clue who she was falling for.

Tomoko didn't know if it was on purpose, but for their whole stay it was Kotomi and Yuu talking, only asking what she thought about this and that. They hardly spent an hour together when they went on separate ways, and Kotomi and Yuu were on the same road home.

#

Tomoki was gone for a week, he was in another far school for a competition. Tomoko realized how much barren and uneventful her life was without her brother at home to annoy. Her mother was busy with house work, her father isn't there, and without someone to play pranks on, her life was boring.

She tried to go inside his room to check out his things, maybe to find something there, but the door was locked. He was only a day gone and she already misses his presence, not that she'll ever admit that to the bastard's face. When he was at home, he never locked his door even if he'd told her many times to get out whenever she goes in. He never even locked his door at night or when he was asleep, and Tomoko can always go in whenever she wants to. Was that on purpose? Was it open, for her, specifically?

Or maybe she was thinking much into things again.

At nights, when she was alone in bed, all she can think of is that one, particular odd night where they did something strange. She didn't know what to name that incident. The thoughts still replayed in all their details. She can't see a thing, because her eyes were covered, but that made all those touches resonate through her all the more. She tried, touched her stomach softly, or caressed her hair like how he did the other night she slept on him, trying to replicate by herself what he did then. But that attempt only made her seem, sad and lonely, and she could not.

Maybe when he goes back she can do that again. Speak the three words that started it. Sleep. With. Me.

Maybe she could say other things instead. What Yuu said about telling people you love them. She's told her brother she loved him, but the last time was almost a decade ago. What if she says it now, then? She imagines a scenario:

"When I realized that I loved you, it was one late afternoon. It only occurred to me as a thought rising out of nowhere. It is like an old, golden locket buried deep inside my heart that I only unearthed now and held to the light. It is as natural as going home every afternoon. It is like a slow blossoming of a flower in a space beside my heart."

Well, that sounded so stupid. When did she learn to define feelings by similes and silly poetry?

"I love you just because."

Or maybe saying that isn't a good idea anyway. How will her brother react anyway? She imagines that he won't take it seriously. It sounded like all her other half-assed jokes, like,

Your sister is wearing a skirt. Aren't you getting excited? Tomoki's answer was a blatant no even before she finished the question.

She realized that if Tomoki spent high school in another place, she'll lose her only entertainment, the only person who she can talk to properly. Not even Yuu-chan, or anyone, knows the extent of her real situation.

Monday to Saturday passed in slow boredom, everyday exactly the same. Like a slow static in the back of her mind, her thoughts always wandered to Tomoki, replayed countless scenes and imagined what more could have happened. She marked the days in her calendar, wondering why time seemed dragging before Sunday again, wishing he was home.

Tomoki went back the following Sunday afternoon. He wasn't smiling, and he looked pissed. Maybe they didn't win.

"There's still the next year, Tomoki," their Mom said, trying to comfort him.

"Well yeah, it's a game and someone has to lose," he said, and proceeded to the laundry room to dump a week's worth of unwashed clothes and wash it himself. He ignored her, even if they ate dinner together.

#

Days of practice, for nothing. He's been used to winning, that losing this time was a new feeling. All the wasted energy. This only made the team more desperate for winning next time, and even planned on more rigorous training and practice. Not really good news for their school. The whole week had been practice, conditioning, a tiring break from school. A week with no Tomoko, and he's sort of already forgotten about her. She didn't care about soccer and probably didn't know much about sports anyway. He decided to open his laptop, started typing something due at the end of the month. He stared at a blinking cursor on a virtual paper, typing cursory, unconnected sentences that didn't make sense.

The sound of cicadas is the sound of silence. I'll be back to school tomorrow again. I don't know what to write. Maybe I should change the bed sheets, I already bought the new ones I'll use to replace the old one. How the hell will I start this I can't think

"So how was the game?" It was his sister asking. He didn't feel her go in.

"You don't understand it anyway. We lost. That's all," he said, without looking at her. He kept on typing.

"What's that you're writing about?"

"Shut up, I can't work if I'm speaking to you."

Without his permission, she strode to his bed and lied down on it.

"Don't sleep there, will you? I'm gonna change the bed sheets later."

"You're still working anyway," she said, turned on her PSP, and played a video game while her brother worked. "Didn't you miss me?" she asked.

Tomoki shot her an exasperated sneer. "I didn't. In fact I haven't been so glad in my life."

Tomoko started to fall asleep. Tomoki turned off the laptop, and took the folded bed sheets.

"Get off," he said, and she slid off the bed to lie down on the blue carpet instead. He removed the old sheets and replaced them with a grey sheet and blanket, still smelling of fabric conditioner. Once he straightened and stretched them in place, the first to jump in the bed was his sister.

"Hey, I said get off there," he said again.

"I'm gonna sleep here again."

"I don't want you sleeping here again."

"If I stay you can't do anything about it."

"Then I'll go to sleep downstairs than share a bed with you. I'd like decent rest alone. You want to sleep with me that much? Like last time when –"

"I'd really like 'last time' to continue," she finally said.

"You're trouble, you know that?"

He was tired, he wanted to be left alone, and his sister wasn't making it better. But he had a pent up something he wanted to release, something he couldn't explain. In a quick move, he knelt on the bed, straddled her hips, and placed two hands on either side of his pillow to watch her face. He again imagined her that night, and once settled like this it wasn't difficult for that feeling to rise in him again: the slow thrill, the satisfaction of having someone want his touch. It was much easier when he couldn't see her eyes. Now, she couldn't look straight at his face. Her head was turned to the side, watching the wall instead of him. She was blushing, her breathing sounded strangled. He pressed the palm of his right to her chest, just above her heart, and he could feel it racing beneath his touch. His hand slowly reached to her neck, to her cheek, and he brushed the hair straying to her face to the back of her ear. She closed her eyes, and he used his palm to cover them.

"I don't want you to see. Keep quiet, okay?" he whispered. She nodded and tried to make her breathing even.

#

A hand covered her closed eyes. There was a slow burning sensation on her stomach, and her brother was straddling her, his legs spread against her. It was so warm to have another body pressed against her own. This was different from last time. She felt safe, that everything will be fulfilled. She felt fingers gently pull up the hem of her shirt, a hand brushed the skin of her belly. She felt soft lips trail kisses along her jaw and the space behind her ears. She was holding her breath. Someone was actually kissing her. Her heart was hammering loud it was the only sound she could hear inside her. She bit her lip, hard enough to bleed. She felt a mouth warm against her ears.

"Someone's coming," he whispered with a hiss. Tomoki let go and got off the bed.

In her surprise, she reached for her forgotten PSP in the corner of his bed. He was on the floor and read one of his sports manga. The door opened. She stared at the blank screen and pretended to play.

"Tomoko?" It was their mother. "Oh nothing. I only noticed you weren't in your room. You should turn off the light if you're not using it," she said, and closed the door again. Both of them sighed in relief, but Tomoko felt awkward and didn't ask him again. Without a word, it was her who left his room.

#

2:36 a.m. She stayed in her bed, the light off, but she was unable to sleep. She touched her jaw, her ears, and imagined those kisses again. The light of his room was still on. He stayed awake. Their mother was asleep now. They could lock the door this time. She went to his room again. When she went in, he was still reading. He didn't look at her.

"I know someone who likes you. She asked if she can have your number or e-mail, if it's okay that I give it to them."

"Not interested."

"Me too. I didn't want to ask you, but if someone asks if I told you, at least it's true that I did. You know Kotomi? Girl with glasses in the library?"

"Then you shouldn't have asked it in the first place if you didn't want to."

"I know why you haven't got any girl yet. It's because you want your nee-chan, right?"

"Don't make me puke."

"Then what about what we just did?"

He didn't answer. He didn't seem to feel anything towards something that small.

"I know this sounds stupid. But I'll say it now. I love you. You know what I mean." She just blurted it out without thinking. After she said that, she immediately regretted it. It was probably because she hasn't slept since yesterday morning. Everything seems like a dream, unreal.

He wasn't shocked. He seemed not to hear it. He continued flipping over the manga he was reading. He scowled.

"I mean. More than I should a brother. But if you weren't my brother I wouldn't feel this. I'm not sure of my own feelings. I'd like to get rid of it if I could, but at this time I can't. I love you. I'm happy beside you. I think I'd be happy if you feel the same too. But I know life doesn't work that way. I thought I'd just let you know," she managed to say that like a robot, automatic, without thinking. Tomoki continued to ignore her.

What did she expect anyway? A glowing yes, a kiss, a happy ending for this story? Lives aren't stories with tidy plots. She realized it wasn't that easy. She should have been more realistic, and in her arrogance she didn't consider this reaction from him. She just assumed that her brother felt the same way. She now wished she had shut up, should have not followed her silly fantasies about this.

"You're kidding," he said, still without looking at her. His only answer to her almost-speech was mere two words.

"No, I'm not."

"And what does love have to do with anything?"

"Uh,yeah. It has nothing to do with anything."

"You're only saying that because you have no experience with boys except for me. Look, brothers and sisters just don't. That's just how the world is. The moon revolves around Earth. Mothers give birth, not fathers."

"What are you trying to say?"

"You're just unsure with how you feel. Maybe this is because of all the small things we did in my bed, but –"

"How can you say that? It's not like I can help this thoughts. I wouldn't feel this way if..." Her sentence was broken by an audible hitch in her throat.

"There. Don't you cry in front of me. You started this stupid thing."

She wished she didn't say it. She had no control over her feelings.

"It hurts. You're hurting me," she said. Tears streaked her face.

"Why, what did you expect me to say or do? This is confusing. Nee-chan, stop crying. You're just probably confused. Now talk," he said, trying to comfort her, pulling her down to make her sit beside him. He wasn't used to people crying. He did a half-assed attempt at making her feel better – covering her face with his blanket so she can wipe off her tears herself. She threw back the blanket to his face. He pulled it off.

"I don't know, too. You've got girls confess to you before. So this is just another one, huh? No less than your silly older sister. What do you say to them?" she asked, now she was laughing, but it was forced and bitter.

"I tell them to find a better guy."

"Then that's the advice you'd give to me, too?"

He was not sure. "Are you okay?"

"Isn't it obvious that I'm not?"

"I mean, are you okay? If you were in your right mind, you wouldn't say what you said to me. But then, when were you in the right mind? Sleep on it. Maybe you won't feel it tomorrow."

It still felt bad. She rushed to her room, slid the door close with a slam, sat on her computer table, and couldn't help herself – she cried for no reason. The more she forced herself to stop it, the more that she can't.

#

After that strange scene where Tomoko said she loved him, Tomoki was left bewildered. A barrage of feelings hit him. He felt sorry for her – it looked like her hurt her with what he said. But how else would he react, anyway? But in the end he felt bad, and even if he still was confused himself, he decided to go to her room and hopefully, make her feel better. When he went in, she was sitting on the chair, her head on the keyboard of her computer.

"Why, what do you want me to do, anyway? Love you back? How exactly does that work?"

"Do I look like I know how it works? My delusional conversations with you probably show I'm so stupid in that regard. Don't force yourself to feel what you shouldn't. Love is... supposed to make you happy. I want to be happy because that's what everyone wants?"

"I don't know anything about love. I haven't felt it, even if my classmates sure think it is important. I sure as hell don't feel the same as you do. Give me a clue and explain."

Those words, I don't feel the same as you do, hurt like a stab in the heart.

"When we were kids, you always told me you did. How come you say you haven't felt it?"

"That was different. But yeah," he said, and he knew that all he said about not loving her were lies, those were words that he wanted to feel, not what he actually felt. He stepped near her, rested both his hands on her shoulders. She looked at him with sorrow.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. And I still do, love you, nee-chan," he said, and after so many years, kissed her for the first time.

to be continued.

Chapter Text

"My life was empty, forever on a down
Until you took me, showed me around
My life is free now, my life is clear..."
- Sweet Leaf, Black Sabbath

The kiss was only a soft pressing of lips against lips, and it was Tomoko who pushed him away first.

"You scumbag. First, you say you don't, then you're just saying that?" She asked, and her fist clenched against his chest in an almost-punch. She wasn't crying anymore, she only looked angry, red in the face, mouth snarling and sneering, brow scowling. Now Tomoki wondered if saying that and doing that wasn't the right move after all. For the first time, he couldn't describe what he was feeling in words, maybe this was a new emotion that still didn't have a name. Or maybe it was only mild delirium, irritation, caused by days of insomnia and staying awake this late.

"You only did that, and said that, because you wanted me to feel better. Liar," she said, looking down on the floor, and Tomoki stood still just watching her. He couldn't see her face, covered by sharp bangs. So he stared at the floor instead, with Tomoko's clenched hand against his chest, her head barely touching his left shoulder.

They were unable to look at each other. It was one thing in their lives that they had no clue what to do or say next. Their minds were blank. But after saying those things to each other, it seemed like it would be difficult to pretend it never happened and just go back to the way things were before. Each had a turmoil of confusion inside. The prolonged silence made it hard to speak. Tomoki looked around instead, and saw the clock said 3 a.m. They still had class tomorrow. Never in his life did he imagine that they were awake this late and arguing over something like this.

"You could really do that again, you know," she said in a voice that was short of a whisper.

Not knowing what to say, they looked at each other again and it was inexplicable, that what followed was another kiss, something clumsy and inexperienced and fumbling, and all she can think of is how warm another mouth was against her own. This was different from the kiss before, or all their kisses as children, but she didn't care and lost herself in the world of that kiss, her hand softly caressing his hair and touching his scalp, his hands holding her face to his. She wasn't aware that she was closing her eyes. This was far from perfect. She had imagined her first 'real' kiss to be different – no bonked noses, no teeth clinking, just like the movies or the games... but this wasn't. It was raw and unguided.

It was all well, but Tomoko jumped in surprise when she blinked open and she caught a glimpse of their reflection in her mirror. What seemed innocent at first actually looked like something crass and vaguely pornographic. They let go. It felt like she was submerged underwater, and after the kiss was over she breathed like one saved from drowning. She wiped her lips, feeling quite dirty from it.

"This is wrong," she said.

"Why, does it feel wrong?" Tomoki asked.

"But not at all. Never in my life anything felt so fucking right," she said, and she regretted saying it. But then naughtiest, sleaziest smile lit up Tomoki's face, and now, she's so grateful she said it, amazed that she's said something that made him smile like that.

There was another kiss and this time it was perfect, nothing different from an innocent kiss they shared as children. She wondered if it were all a dream. Maybe it was. This was too good to be true, that it wasn't real at all but maybe they were only in a story being written, far away...

(And other stray thoughts, that if this was a story and not real life after all what they were doing would be called out of character, but then all thoughts blanked out in that moment where they seemed to be in a private world of their own, sharing darkness and a kiss that tasted like fruit Adam ate from Eve).

After that, it was Tomoki who said, "We better sleep now or we'll be late tomorrow. Look at the time."

He left, and turned off the light. She went to bed, and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. If this was a dream, then she'll most likely forget it by the time she wakes. They can figure it out better tomorrow.

She dreamed again, maybe a dream within a dream, and all she can see is black and all she can hear is the sound of typing.

#

When they ate breakfast together, both tired from lack of sleep, but downed enough coffee to get them through morning and the rest of the day. Neither spoke of what transpired last night. Maybe it was a dream after all. They went to school together, and that was all. Nothing changed. Classes went on as usual, she was alone. They went home together, but didn't exchange a word so neither wanted to talk about the shared kisses of the morning. It wasn't exactly something to talk about. But she can imagine that his taste lingered in her mouth, she found herself randomly licking her own lips, when she realized that, she stopped her mouth before a mannerism could start. She bit her lips as if to scold herself but the thoughts wouldn't stop.

That night, she went in his room after working on her Math assignments, she avoided her computer, and sat on the floor playing video games on her GameBoy. He didn't speak, but concentrated instead on his own homework - writing essays, probably. It took so long, and she was getting bored with the games, and she felt that if she spoke she'd be ignored anyway. She didn't hear a 'Get out' from him yet. He got up after almost an hour of writing and studying, to use the bathroom.

When he came back, he asked, "Why are you still here?"

She had turned the device off, so she was only staring at the blank screen and her hands still pressing on the buttons and pretending to play. It was better to have something to do with her hands, because facing him felt awkward.

"Can we do that again?" Tomoki only sneered. "I mean, talk for an hour each night? I've not been talking a lot with others." Sounds like a lame excuse.

Tomoki closed his eyes in a gesture of resignation. "What would you want to talk about anyway? Haven't you said enough during that year? And you're the one who said that it didn't improve anything. You even said that you don't need me anymore," said Tomoki, who rolled his eyes at the last sentence.

"You can talk this time."

"What would I say? I have nothing to talk about with you."

"Anything you feel like. About your day?"

Tomoki sighed. "Isn't it enough that I let you in here?"

Tomoko had thought that after last night, things would improve. He's even said he loves her, but maybe she was overthinking again. Maybe he meant he only loved her as a sister. Not in the way Tomoko felt about him. But that kiss... wasn't exactly brotherly. The only thing that changed tonight was he never told her to get out his room. He let her stay. He's not as irritated as before.

Tomoko kept quiet, trying to think of a topic. She finally said, "Bedtime stories?"

"Huh?"

"We did that before, right? Fairy tales and shit? You seem to know odd stories."

"Fine, I'll try."

He repeated the story of Isis and Osiris, the sister braving all enemies, searching all corners of earth, enduring all suffering just to save her husband and brother. It was the same words as before, but around five minutes into telling it Tomoko was already yawning and her eyelids closing.

"You can leave now. Looks like we need sleep since we already slept so late this morning. Or you wanna sleep over here?"

Tomoko nodded, but left his room to sleep on her own. He offered her a space in his bed. For now, that was enough for her. Last night wasn't a dream after all.

#

Tuesday. Tomoki had no practice for the afternoons, so they went home together.

"I think I need a burger right now, but I don't have enough money. Can I borrow yours? I'll pay you anyway when we go home," she said, and he only answered with a nod as they walked to the WcDonald's near their school. She saw Kotomi walk to another direction, and she glanced at them before she went on. There were also other students on the line when they reached WcDo, and Tomoki got some bills from his wallet and gave them to Tomoko.

"Tomoki, you order. I want a burger and a Coke," she said, gave back Tomoki's cash to him, and was about to walk to the farthest corner where there was a small table for two but Tomoki grabbed her by the arm.

"No. It's my money anyway, so you order. Get me a WcFloat, large fries, and a burger as well," he said.

"But you've seen me order! It makes me feel so awkward! I can't! You do it," she said.

"How can you expect to improve your stupid social skills when you can't even get a damn order straight without stuttering? Hell, you can talk to me fine. You order. It's a small start."

"But it's different with you! Don't make it harder on me," she said, but Tomoki already left to sit on their table. He got a manga from his bag and read. Tomoko had no choice but fall in line. Tomoki said was true, even talking to a cashier that most likely would forget her face made her into a blushing, stammering idiot. She tried to be cool. Like Tomoki. It was nothing. The boy in front of her in the line left with his order.

"Good afternoon!" The cashier greeted her.

"Uh, I'd like to have two regular burgers, large fries, a coke, and one WcFloat." Just one sentence, spoken clearly, but to Tomoko it was almost a miracle. Tomoki's words somehow helped her feel less nervous about so small a thing.

"Would that be regular or large Coke?"

"L-large," she said, and the girl placed all her order in the tray, which Tomoko bought to the table where Tomoki sat. He wasn't reading the manga, it was closed, on the table. He was watching her all along.

"See?" Tomoki said, with a grin. Tomoko almost dropped their order since he never smiles at her at all, but now he did. She managed to get it on the table. They ate, and for the first time she felt kind of normal now. She texted their mother that she didn't need to cook for them, since they already have eaten enough for dinner.

After going home, after showering and studying, she added up the prices of the food she ate, and took her own allowance to pay Tomoki. So she went to his room again, but this time he wasn't studying but reading manga on his bed.

"I'm paying you, so I'll just place this on your table," she said.

"Nah, it's okay, you don't have to," Tomoki said without looking up. She kept the money in her pocket instead. She sat on his chair without a word and swung the swivel chair around and around. The room spun around her. It stopped when she felt Tomoki kick the chair and steady it with his feet. "Stop that, it's distracting." The room looked like it was swaying back and forth, still spinning.

"The talk," she said.

"I'd rather much read."

"I'll wait until you're done." Is there a way to bring up the topic of Monday morning? Surely, a kiss didn't change anything. In fairy tales there was a kiss then happily ever after but this is reality so it won't work that way.

"So, stories, huh. I can't think of anything else, so I'll talk about Sodom and Gomorrah."

"From the Old Testament?" She didn't know a lot about foreign religions.

"If you know it, then we can skip it. Your turn to tell something."

"No. I've forgotten. Do you want me to talk about the plot of an otome game?" She was already enumerating all the plots, and she can't remember a good one that she can tell.

"No thanks. Those two cities were too sinful, so God burned it down. Abraham kept on bargaining, that even if there was onerighteous person then God would spare them, but there was none. But Lot, Abraham's cousin, still lived near the fertile cities despite warnings. So when God, destroyed it, they were instructed not to turn back. But Lot's wife turned back and turned into a pillar of salt. But what's weird is the next part," Tomoki said, pausing, as if thinking how to phrase it. "His two daughters decided to sleep with their father to continue their line."

"Huh? I don't think I wanna hear the rest."

"What the hell. Actually, that's all, and it's a lame story anyway."

"What I really want to talk about is last Monday when..." She didn't know where to start. What exactly did she want, anyway? She disliked it when she didn't know what to say since the longer the silence lasted it was getting more difficult.

Tomoki kissed her, his lips were so soft while hers was chapped and peeling. It was so sudden, so out of nowhere. But it didn't help her form words. At most, it made speaking stop entirely. Tomoki broke the brief kiss and sat on his bed, and looked at her like it was nothing.

She didn't speak, but only touched her lips and looked down on the floor. She didn't want to look like a fool. "I think I like a hug better than a kiss," she said instead, and Tomoki grinned again. When she stepped closer, Tomoki wrapped one arm about her shoulder and another around her waist. Their cheeks touched. He felt different from Yuu. Yuu was softer, but his arms felt safer and stronger. She felt her legs go weak. He let go. She sat on his bed, next to him.

"Better?"

"Yeah," she answered, at least a hug calms her, it doesn't make her heart race like what a kiss does. She was still unable to bring up that topic. It seemed that Tomoki didn't want to talk about it. Surely things would be 'different' now? She decided she'll only talk if she had something to say. She'd think it over. She left for her room.

#

Wednesday. After school, they went to WcDonald's again, and Tomoko ordered without feeling any problem. It was her treat this time. She still thought it over the fries, burger, and Coke, but she still didn't speak about it.

She felt like nothing ever changed much at all. This silent kind of thing between them was making her very happy, but at the same time it was frustrating, because Tomoki never said anything about it. It makes her feel that maybe she was only assuming that there's a mutual understanding between them, that maybe there was nothing to those demonstrations of affection after all.

On the way home, in the train ride, he held her hand for the first time. Tomoko noticed how long and elegant his hands were, and she wondered how it might feel holding and touching her. Her hands were small compared to his. Long ago, when they were younger, hers was bigger. She's amazed how the small act of holding someone's hands could make her calm. He only let go when they reached home.

Tomoki's story tonight was Greek tragedy. He was only summarizing a summary of what he's heard from others, from classes. The story killed time, filled up space, and he spoke while lying in bed and her playing her GameBoy while sitting on the floor. She didn't care much about the stories themselves but Tomoki's voice speaking...

"...the famous tale of Oedipus, prophesied to kill his father and marry his mother. His mother and wife, Jocasta, hanged herself when she learned that the king, her husband, was the first son she thought was dead. Oedipus stormed into their home intending to kill her but she was already dead, and he took her jewellery and pierced his own eyes with her gold brooches until he blinded himself, gouged his eyes out. His sons, who are also his brothers, exiled him and they were cursed to die with each other's blade. His daughters, who are also his sisters, guided him through blind old age until his death, but after that his daughter Antigone killed too..."

"Where did you get all those stories? Why do they all include incest?"

"Ah. The club I was in was supposed to have storytelling about the strangest, goriest tales we can find, but they decided to watch movies and play board games instead. That wasn't my intention. But yeah, I only noticed when you said it. But I know other stories too, but those were the first that popped in my head."

"I tried to make my own club once. The proposal was rejected."

"Anyone can come in our club."

"Is that an invitation?"

"Hn."

"What's the point of that story, Tomoki?"

"I don't know. Maybe a teacher can explain it better. I can only tell it, not interpret it. I can't grasp their meanings unless someone says it."

"What's wrong with incest, though? The story seemed to imply that it's one of the gravest sin man can commit, almost equal with killing people?"

"I don't know, too. They just say its 'taboo', they use words like 'forbidden' but the more I think about it, it makes me wonder, too. Why, exactly, is it wrong?"

"Heh. It's an internet thing, though. In porn. Maybe because the forbidden is exciting?"

"I've read somewhere, I forgot where, that it's because human genes need diversity, and marrying outside the family can strengthen tribal connections. But, I admit I don't really understand or remember much of it. And that inbreeding within families can cause serious genetic problems? Read that from a science site, that most of the offspring are mentally damaged. But it's not like I plan to have kids," he said.

"Uh," Tomoko said, that what was he implying, that they were... 'together' now? Maybe she was misreading his words again, but she already imagines a future with him. They can stay here at home, together, and just not have children. But she was only imagining that, though, because the likelier future would be Tomoki marrying another girl because he deserves better than her. Tomoki, unlike her, was normal and incest wasn't accepted in society. It makes her hurt inside to picture that, but it was more realistic to think of.

"Look. When it comes to us, I don't want to hear the words guilt or wrong or forbidden, okay?"

Tomoki had said us. This was an opening for her. It meant that the new thing between them wasn't only in her imagination after all.

"Okay. What does that mean, Tomoki? That we're... ah, together? Like a couple?"

"Who said we were a couple?" Tomoki asked, his face poker, his voice with a biting edge to it.

"Oh. Of course not, I mean when you told me you... love me, when I said I did, isn't it obvious that it's the next step? But okay, if you're not thinking it that way then I won't - "

Then, Tomoki smiled, and kissed her, just to shut her up. In that moment, she wanted something to shut her up. It wasn't clumsy this time. Tomoki let go and he was smiling at her, and even just seeing that is enough to make everything okay again.

"I was kidding. Fine, if you want to put a name on it," he said.

At what he said, she could not contain the happiness that she felt inside. Now, it was official, finally. It gave her magnificent relief. But, what afterwards? Their relationship was abnormal. Unlike the others, there were no manuals or instructions or dating tips she could follow. She smiled, she's never felt this kind of fulfilment, this gladness, and it made her forget all her troubles and anxiety.

"But people might say this is wrong," she said, and the smile turned into a frown.

"Only if they find out. And let me correct you. Marriage is illegal. This is not. There are no laws against this. We're not hurting anyone, we aren't doing anything bad," Tomoki said, matter of fact.

"Why. There are a lot of things people say are wrong, but we never really thought about them and just labelled them as wrong. But what do you feel? Does this feel wrong to you?" Tomoki said, leaning closer to her ear, his voice whispering, his breath on her neck making her shiver all over again, makes her want to beg him to cover her eyes once again and take her to his bed, and do things with his hands and mouth that can make her cry, can make tears flow down her eyes because of how good it was, how good he felt.

"No. In fact, never in my life have I felt anything so fucking right," she said again, and that one sentence summarized all that she felt about this. After she said that she can't help but hold him to her and he pulled her close once again in an embrace.

"Then that's all that matters now, nee-chan."

She knows they must keep it a secret between them, but now that she had someone she loved who loved her back, she wanted to let the world know. She wanted to scream it, damn I love you, but she knows she can't. If they still acted the same as before, it would be easy to hide it and no one would suspect a thing. It's not like they're doing anything wrong. With Tomoki holding her close, even the concept of right and wrong didn't matter compared to this moment.

#

They fooled each other with whispers and unspoken promises, thinking that what they were feeling was a damn revolution against everything. They felt like they were different, sharing something only they have that cannot be explained or known by others. But young as they were, they didn't think that they were only replaying and repeating patterns of all young lovers before them. Even if they fool themselves that it was right and noble, that there was nothing wrong with it at all because nothing else ever felt right, they didn't consider what the rest of the world might think, since nothing else mattered but the world of them both. The secret, their feelings, trancended mere words.

Tomoki never said 'forever', only to live for now. They told each other false, irrational, dreams and myths as if to justify the thing they shared. As if patterning their mortal selves to celestial siblings, sibling-lovers that created the world, would change how society would see them.

This was only a temporary calm before an eventual doom, before reality finally catches up.

#

Thursday afternoon, she went with him to one of the spare classrooms where the clubs meet after classes. There was another seminar other students were attending, so when she went in there were only three other people sitting around a table, playing a game of Scrabble. She recognized one girl who visited Tomoki when he was sick some years ago, there was the guy in the library who was crushing on Kotomi, and on another seat was Kotomi herself. Kotomi blushed when she saw Tomoki.What's she doing here? Is she so much of a creep that she's also a member of Tomoki's club?, Tomoko wondered. Tomoki seemed to be oblivious about Kotomi's crush on him.

As if reading her mind, Kotomi spoke. "I've always been in this club since last year and I'm the secretary. I just don't go in here all the time because of library duty. And you, planning to join?"

"This is my older sister, Tomoko. She just wanted to see what it's like here," Tomoki introduced her to them. The other two smiled at her, Kotomi didn't. They all proceeded to clear the board and play again. Tomoko only knew of computer games, so this one was foreign to her. She only watched as they took turns forming English words on the board. Kotomi was the one keeping score in a pad, and each word had points and there were bonuses when the tiles happen to be in specific squares. Tomoko just looked. In the end the scores were a close tie between Tomoki and Kotomi, but Kotomi won.

"Here's an application form, Kuroki-san. We meet here every Thursday. You're always welcome to listen or just play games or have some tea," said the other girl she didn't know the name of. It was a small slip of paper, only asking for her name, year, section, interests, and hobbies. She wrote on it while the smiling guy got teacups poured black tea for the four of them. At least she was with real human beings and not having a pretend tea party with stuffed toys in her room. When she recalled that, she almost wanted to cry for no reason... and now she realized that she did not have to go through all that trouble of creating a club, she just didn't take time to reach out, to look for those who would welcome her.

After they've done with their drinks, Tomoko accompanied Kotomi to the science lab where there was a sink where they can wash their cups.

"Your brother took you here, huh," Kotomi said, as she was washing off the soap from the cups. Tomoko didn't answer. When they went back to that room, Tomoki and the girl were sweeping the floor, and the guy was wiping the tables and shelves. On a bulletin board, a list says he was one of the assigned cleaners for Thursday.

For tonight, she didn't go in his room. He's said that there were so many things he had to work on, and she spent all night studying.

#

Friday. Tomoko marked this week's Wednesday on her phone's calendar. It was the night Tomoki said they were now 'together'. Now she knew why couples celebrate their anniversaries, and today they've lasted for two days in all. It felt like forever was still ahead of them. It was odd, how nothing seemed to happen, but at the same time something subtle changed in her.

As they passed by each other in a school hallway that lunch time, they both stopped and he said, "I won't go home with you tonight. We'll be watching the World Cup. Just tell Mom."

"Okay," she said, and they both walked to separate directions.

After school that afternoon, she went to the library, where there was at least ten students lining up to Kotomi's desk, those who wanted to borrow books for the weekend. She wandered around the shelves again, picking up fiction books or manga, scanning them and putting them back in the shelves. She chose an old volume of Rurouni Kenshin to read. She sat on the floor between the shelves.

After a while, Tomoko heard Kotomi near, rolling a cart filled with books. She was reshelving them, and Tomoko continued reading.

"Tch. You disarranged them again, right?" Kotomi said. "You just don't put them in there in random, you know. The Dewey Decimal numbers are there for a reason. Or else no one would find the exact book they're looking for... Now I have to arrange them again."

"Sorry, I was choosing what to read," Tomoko said, closed the manga, and handed it to Kotomi who thumbed the book spines so she can read the numbers and insert it in the right place.

"I'm closing the library after this."

"Let's go home together," Tomoko said. Kotomi's eyes widened for a moment. They've been together sometimes after all, and shared bus rides on the way to meet Yuu. But they didn't meet with Yuu as often as they did before, and now they somehow regarded each other as friends. If Tomoki had his friends, she could have her own, too. It made sense that their lives won't solely revolve around each other.

So they both turned off the computers and the lights of the library, and Tomoko waited as Kotomi locked it and left the keys to the security guard. They bought Coke Zero in the vending machine together, before going to the bus stop, to spend the ride in silence. Tomoko got off first.

#

"Mom, Tomoki said he's be late."

"Yeah. He texted me."

The night went on as usual. She slept before he got home.

Tomoki arrived at around 10. Their house was dark, and the light to Tomoko's room was off. He checked on her door, it was locked, so he just proceeded to his room to sleep. As he stared again at his ceiling, he touched his lips, and imagined kisses. Amazing how things can change in a week, but this felt like it was waiting to happen all along. He wasn't sure himself with where they were going now, but he felt content. He's always the one who couldn't imagine himself in a relationship, but theirs was unconventional. This was what he would've wanted as a kid. This was what he would've wanted for him and his sister.

(But he still couldn't sleep properly, so he'll just have to wait for it).

#

In his dream, he is still kneeling and holding close a mythical animal, but the smell faded from incense and flowers to the cloying aroma of rotten flesh and old blood. The thing he held in his arms growled, it wasn't some horned white horse after all but a wolf. In a split-second he realized he was fooled, and this is what big bad hungry wolves do, pretending to be sick grandmothers to lure girls in red hoods, or this time pretending to be lovely horses to lure boys with green eyes. Primal fear and adrenaline rose in him in a sudden urge to jump free but the shark-teeth-fine canines has snapped and bit on his shoulder. Teeth sank on his throat, rows of yellow fangs dug on his back, about to swallow his shoulder whole and bite his left arm off his body. It raised his head and on its mouth was a chuck of his own flesh, muscles, and shreds of his clothes.

The wolf pinned him down, two hands nailed to the ground with its sharp claws. He has not seen a beast this big, but he saw that it was thin, patching fur tight over taut ribs showing through its scabbed skin. It's eyes held fire, and electric orange sparks from them fell on him. Such a big mouth and big teeth.

He reached to his pocket and found a knife there, which he used with his free hand and slashed through the wolf's guts with all his might. Holding the bloody left shoulder where gallons of blood were gushing, he ran but the wolf walked towards him in a limp - he ran, ran, to nowhere, until the forest gave way to an empty desert, dark with no moon, him trailing blood. He fell on the sand. The pain felt like the stabbing of a thousand spikes of ice. The animal was coming, growling, now faster and more rabid since he'd hurt it.

He wakes up with come streaking the skin of his stomach and felt disgusted that he was aroused at something so violent.

#

In her dream, the two tall beasts have gone nearer, crouching next to her and smelling her. She realized she wasn't invited for breakfast after all but she was the one to be eaten. She was lying on the middle of a round table, knives looming over her, her mouth filled with the red petals of opiate poppies, her face covered with them save for her eyes. She was lamb to the slaughter.

A knife stabbed her beneath her navel, skewering her uterus to the wood below with a resounding thud. She jolts and wakes at the same time, with pain. She looks down and there was blood on her bed sheets, but it was only menstruation after all and the pain on her crotch was the familiar ache of first-day-period dysmenorrhoea.

to be continued

Chapter Text

Tomoki woke up shaken from the nightmare. He got up, headed first to the bathroom to take a shower. He woke up earlier than usual for a weekend, at 8 in the morning. He doesn't get decent hours of sleep, but he can wake up early for class if he needed to. If there was no class or practice, he usually woke up around lunch. As he undressed and let the water rain on him, it felt like he is also washing off imaginary blood from the dream, and his shoulder still ached with phantom pain from wolf bite. He almost expected the water sloughing off him would be red on the floor tiles. Never had a dream felt so real.

After he dressed and stepped out the stall, the door opened and Tomoko rushed to the toilet. Her shorts were stained with blood.

"Did you wound yourself or something?" he asked.

Tomoko sneered at him, and said, "Menses, idiot."

"Disgusting," Tomoki commented, and Tomoko grabbed the towel from him and ran to the shower. At least he was a boy and didn't have to go through what girls do. The sight of blood on her still makes the images of the wolf and the chase come back to again, there was blood spilling to the sand... it was like a bad omen.

#

"Hey Tomoki, maybe we should start. You know, doing what other people do, like go to dates or something..." Tomoko said, she's been in his room after eating breakfast, and hours has passed since he started playing virtual soccer on his TV and playstation. She was playing too, on her video games.. It was already near lunch time, 11:30.

Somehow, to him, this 'thing' between them he still couldn't define didn't change much of anything. It seemed that the only difference was he said "Get out" less. Now that he's stopped making her go away, she was less annoying. She didn't ask questions about her stupid perspectives on love or relationships. She no longer told him fantasies about her dream boyfriends. The words 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' are strange to hear, and it didn't exactly apply to whatever they had between them.

What's even stranger are those kisses and touches that he's the one who initiates. She's never asked him for that, only that one embrace. She's tolerable. He likes it, he'll never ever admit that but it shows in his insistent actions anyway. But for now he's decided to do less of it.

"Whatever. Don't we eat together already? Does it need a name?" he asked, her question broke his focus.

"I want to talk about us again."

"What 'us'? Haven't we said enough?"

Tomoko pursed her lips and looked to the side, as if thinking of what to say. It wasn't easy when they both didn't know what to start. The topic of 'both of them' was always awkward to begin.

"You know, with Mom and Dad around, what if they'll know it?" To Tomoko, she wouldn't actually just spill it out to their parents, when they didn't have to know anyway, she only wanted to ask Tomoki in case they notice something weird going on between them. He had more sense than her, maybe he had better ideas. He always knew things she doesn't. In the first place, they were only beginning, and it seems as if both of them were clueless on where they were going.

"Isn't it a given that... we don't make them find out? They'd think it's strange, and at worst they'll try to stop it."

"What will they try to stop?"

"I mean, we're not really part of the accepted status quo, right? If you want them to know, then think of the consequences."

"What does 'status quo' even mean?"

"That means the 'normal, accepted way of things'. Like how it's considered normal for a girl and a boy to be a couple, but not for a boy and a boy or a girl and another girl. Why, do you know siblings who are together?"

"In anime and manga, there's-"

"I mean the real world," Tomoki interrupted.

"Yeah. I get what you mean. It's not like they need to know it. I mean, I was just asking what we'll do in case they find out."

"Then we don't make them find out. Things haven't changed, to me. Not like we'll have this drastic change of behavior that they'll notice."

"What about the convenience store after lunch?"

"What will we do there?"

"Walk around. And talk. It would be a date," she said, and Tomoki visibly cringed, and they heard their mother call both of them to come down to eat lunch.

#

After walking in their village, they reached the convenience store. There were no customers except the both of them. There were some tables and chairs, and Tomoki chose a seat ordered inside, and he noticed her blush when the young cashier, a boy with dyed hair, smiled at her as she paid for their Cokes, some chips, a frozen pizza warmed on a microwave. She went out and set the food on their small table, and a cat slithered on Tomoko's legs, and she let it sit on her lap.

"Why are you picking up stray cats?" he asked, while opening the box of pizza and got a slice that dripped with sticky melted cheese.

"He's my friend," Tomoko said, and the cat purred where it was sitting. "When you were away to watch the meteor shower with your friends, he was with me."

"Are you gonna eat, or are you gonna pet a stray cat? Drop it when you eat," Tomoki said, and Tomoko let the cat jump to the floor. She opened a bag of potato chips and gave the cat a handful of it. They ate until the box was empty.

"Incest sounds like a dirty word, when I hear it I think of sexual abuse, coercion, rape. We don't need a label, we don't need words to make us different from the others," Tomoki said.

"That makes sense. I've been thinking about stuff. 'Finding a right person' as they say is difficult. You have to make your choice with the millions of people in the world, and... you've no chance if you don't have the charm. I mean, you're the only convenient choice around. I know this sounds weird, but it would be even weirder for me to find someone else that is not you."

Tomoki only rolled his eyes. Even if they were together now, he was still the same. Tomoko looked at his sneering lips and recalled how he kissed. He seemed to be in a different mood when they were both alone...

"You know, I still think about what I said that night. Saying that it's because I want to be 'happy' sounds not right to me now. Why do people want to be happy anyway? When sometimes the things that are supposed to make them happy cause them the most misery. Like girls whining about heartbreak. Maybe it's the expectation that they're supposed to be happy that makes them miserable," Tomoko said.

"It's not like you have to live to be happy. It doesn't last. I don't really know. Maybe its better not to have any goals in life at all and just live," Tomoki answered.

"Okay, this is a cliché question, but what do you want to be when you grow up?" It was the same question they always talked about when they were younger. Before, Tomoko had dreams about being a weapons manufacturer, while Tomoko wanted to be an astronaut – child dreams they've already forgotten.

"I don't have grand plans or anything. After high school, I'll go to a university, be a varsity scholar, and then graduate. Work on whatever. Be a football coach, or with any luck, be a professional player. Then grow old, die, and rot," Tomoki said with a straight face.

"What a nice speculation on your future, like you're really looking forward to being worm food. My teachers are already talking about universities and college applications since we're graduating next year. Maybe I'll just take a liberal arts course, get an online job so I don't have to take a bath everyday or leave the house," she said, and Tomoki scrunched up his nose in a disgusted look.

Here they were, talking about their future, and maybe other couples are already talking about the names of their children, dream weddings, future houses, other such things that don't apply to them. If they ever stay at home together, it would all be mundane... she imagined them as adults, still bickering and annoying each other. It was okay, she could live her whole life like that. Now, she's no longer alone, and it was all that matters.

#

It was the time of the year again, the annual cultural fair celebrated for two days. The regular classes for the week before the event were shortened to make time for preparations. Monday afternoon, most of her classmates were drawing on posters and decorating the classroom with crepe paper and balloons. She felt like the invisible girl again, a grey outline amidst real people. Nemoto was working on their booth, for selling coffee, some cakes and pies. She spent the afternoon cutting paper and posters again. Tomoki was busy in his own classroom.

That afternoon, Tomoki's team had practice, but her classmates were crowding around the windows that she couldn't watch the game. She decided to go home instead of waiting for him.

The week passed without seeing him again, even at home he was barely there. He left before she ate breakfast, and arrived when she was near sleeping. She's tried going in his room, but he was sound asleep. She found herself opening her otome games and listening to yandere CDs again. It has been so long since she did that.

It was what she used to kill time before, and now they were all like childlike playthings to her, reminders of her previous escapism and improbable fantasies she retreated into to forget her loneliness. She estimated all the money she wasted on them, ten thousands of yen over the years. She should've saved them instead, but it was still an amusing remembrance of an old self. Maybe she should sell them online. She hasn't changed too much, just a subtle change in perspective. Tomoki was there and she won't need those fictional games and recorded voices anymore, she wasn't alone anymore...

#

For the first day of the school fair, Tomoko woke up late and showed up in school much later. Given a choice, she'd rather stay at home during events like these. She ate her lunch alone in the disarranged classroom, while everyone was eating in the booths outside.

The first to greet her on her way out to the girls restrooms was the PE teacher who always noticed her alone.

"Good thing to see that you're in a club now, Tomoko. Another girl told me you just joined theirs. Better than sitting around and waiting for people to notice you, huh? So how's it? Getting new friends now?"

"It's okay. They're fine, but I don't go there that much..." Tomoko said, and ever since going there with Tomoki, she hasn't even stepped in that room again.

"You should! What's a club for if you don't to talk to anyone there?"

"I'm doing other things too. I don't always have free time," she said as an excuse.

"I understand, but you should make the most of it!" the teacher said, waved goodbye and went away.

#

Come afternoon, she went in the gym where the school bands were playing. Students gave them free neon glow sticks and drinks, and she stepped in the dark venue. It was only through the dim firefly-glow of neon glow sticks and bracelets could she see the faces of other people, and more and more students came in and she found herself pushed to the farthest corner, at the far wall at the back. She fastened the neon glow sticks around her wrist. She was squeezed into the wall by the crowd. She wished that she didn't go here in the first place. The door was closed, and the lights on stage turned off. Even if the sun was blaring outside, inside was complete dark save for streaks of bright pink, orange, green, blue, yellow.

Five minutes passed in silent anticipation, then the lights of the stage turned on again and there was an all-girl band in Gothic Lolita costume and sporting electric guitars made of carved bone and metal. They strummed in the beginning chords of the song, and the pretty lead singer growled to the microphone, and the crowd started cheering. As the song went on, they were all jumping, shouting, singing along while Tomoko was alone like a trapped bug in the corner and the oppressing music only made it worse.

They were serving juice in plastic cups, dark pink fruit punch laced with alcohol. The other girl guitarists on stage were moving, dancing to the devil's beat, head-banging with their hair in the air. People are swaying and waving glow sticks in the artificial dark. It was hot, with all the human warmth, even if the air conditioning was cold. Somewhere there was her other classmates joining and losing themselves in the rhythm and the crowd.

Tomoko was about to head to the Exit, just so she can breathe fresh air and not smell everyone else's sweat. But the door was blocked with students and she could not move a step from where she was with all the people in front of her. They were all facing the stage, oblivious to her existence as always. The crowd swayed, the people in front of her were shifting, faces she can't recognize. Her head felt swimming in disorientation.

Then Tomoki was there beside her, handing her a cold cup of fruit punch. He was holding a stack of empty cups under the one he was drinking from, and in the bright strobe lights that passed by the crowd she could see his pupils dilated, all black ringed in dark green, his face flushed pink. His lips looked darker, maybe from all the ice in the drink. She's seen how drunk people act on TV, and he looked like he was nearing that. What's in the juice that he'd downed several?

She drank, and it was cold, there was more ice water than liquid, she can only taste dim flavor next to nothing. She felt Tomoki's arm around her shoulder, keeping her close so he won't get lost in the crowd, so they can stay together. He stepped backwards, until their backs were leaning against the wall. They could hardly see the band on stage anymore.

The song ended with a long guitar riff. "I wish high school would never end! I will always remember our memories together even after graduation," the singer said while wiping off black tears from all her eye make-up. It was the graduating seniors' batch getting sentimental again. Tomoko was turning eighteen soon and by next year she'll be graduating, and what she's looking forward to is to get out of here.

"Then feel free to enroll next year and don't go to college if you don't want high school to end that much!" Tomoko whispered as an answer to her. Tomoki laughed.

"I dedicate this song to all of us," the singer said, as she strummed the chords to the next song. It was a slow, languorous song. Out of nowhere, people gathered in pairs, girls and boys, boys and boys, girls and girls. They all began to do a slow dance. Their laughter echoed all around, reverberating on the walls that Tomoko could feel the sound amplifying through her uniform.

Tomoki was drinking another cup of something that was clear as water but smelled of ethyl, something most likely stronger and illegal passed around by his classmates. Only they didn't move as they watched everyone else dance. Tomoki swallowed it all in one shot and dropped the stacked cups he was holding, and ice cubes fell, clattered, and broke around their feet.

Tomoki stooped low so he can press his forehead to hers, and held her hand and placed it on his shoulder, and held the other so they can intertwine their fingers together. His other hand wrapped around her waist, and Tomoko recognized this as the position before a formal dance. It was taught in PE. Tomoki was closing his eyes and wasn't moving at all, just standing there and holding her. Tomoko didn't move, she only looked at how his long eyelids draped softly on the black circles below his eyes. It rather looked like he was sleeping, his lips were slightly open and she can smell his breathing, it was what vodka or whiskey must smell, when she opens the few bottles her father owns. He was beautiful to her, not that 'beautiful' is the right word to describe a boy... the multi-colored lights shone alternating flashes of color on his pale skin.

"You never even took me to dance last February, little brother," she said.

"Because I don't know how," he answered with his eyes still closed.

"I thought PE taught that."

"Then I suck at it. I hated it, I wished it was just soccer or baseball or tennis. Just close your eyes then imagine we're dancing."

"You sound stupid."

"What's better, a dance or a kiss?" Tomoki asked, pressing her hand to his chest, to the space near his heart. Maybe that was the alcohol talking, him courting disaster, and Tomoko didn't want to be like those vulgar couples with their irritating displays of affection. But everyone else seemed preoccupied with their own partners, with themselves too maybe, that they won't notice two of them in the farthest corner.

"I think you're better at the other thing than dancing," she said, and even before she finished her sentence she pressed his lips against hers and she could taste alcohol from his mouth. A spotlight shone on them, and Tomoko flinched and let go. But that wasn't intentional, as the light travelled fast around the crowd and back again to the stage. No one looked at them, each pair in a separate world of their own.

She felt a cold shiver in her neck, and she glanced near the exit and saw Kotomi. She'd seen them, since Tomoko can sense her shock. Her hands are shaking on its grip on her cup that juice spilled from it. Behind the glasses she wore, Tomoko saw betrayal and jealousy and not understanding in Kotomi's eyes. The door opened, a group of girls went in and Kotomi slipped out the venue.

Before, she might have felt vindicated that she's made the other girl jealous, but now what was left was only guilt, like a girl caught with a gun on her hand and a dead cat on the floor. Tomoki told her never to say those words, but all the words she could think of now that they were seen, were guilt, wrong, and forbidden.

"What's wrong, nee-chan?"

"Nothing. There's nothing wrong. Shall we go home? You don't sound fine."

"I think we're already allowed to go."

"Then let's go straight home. I want to sleep."

"Me too."

They managed to squeeze through the crowd to get out. She checked her phone, it was 3 in the afternoon. Her eyes hurt as they adjusted from dark to stark sunlight. There were still programs and another set of bands playing until night, people were already allowed to go home but everyone else seemed to be enjoying it. She couldn't see anyone leaving, only them.

#

The month wore by, and Tomoki was preoccupied with watching football and she's overheard him in school with his friends analyzing the games, but she didn't care at all. She didn't understand anything about what made the rest of the world crazy about the World Cup, but it seemed that Tomoki forgot she existed for a while. Until one Saturday night she opened the door to his room found Tomoki sitting on his table and staring at the moon. 11:11 p.m.

"Meteor shower starting anytime now. I read from the news on the net. Would the village playground have a better view? Or the park near the convenience store?"

"Either. But the playground's nearer," Tomoki said, and stood up from his chair to get out the house with her.

They sat on the swings, her on the left and him on her right. Tomoko stood furthest, then sat and flung herself on the swing seat, back and forth until the rhythm slowed down. She hasn't done that since she was a kid. The sky was bright, and the river of stars of the Milky Way shone like bright cream over the sky. There was no one around except for them. Tomoko's slippers scraped on the rough concrete ground. Tomoki contended himself with looking up the sky and softly swinging his seat. They had sat like this before, when they both played alone in here when they were kids. Their mother would leave them here, and she trusted Tomoko to bring him home by night. So odd now, to compare the before to now. They waited, but there were no falling stars.

"There aren't any? Just wake me when they show up." Tomoki rested his head on the chain handle on his side and closed his eyes. Tomoko only looked at the stars, way brighter than before. Then they fell like rain, just for a moment, streaks disappearing to nothing, drawing glowing lines on the sky.

"Hey, it's there," she said, nudging Tomoki who appeared to be sleeping. She shook him twice and slapped his arm once, and he looked at the sky. They waited some more, but it didn't appear again.

"You missed it and your chance to wish," she said.

"I don't believe in wishes."

"In school, they set up the tree with the wishes during Tanabata for Orihime and Hikoboshi, when those two stars met in the sky, didn't you wish for something? What did you write down?"

"For the team to win. Didn't come true that year."

"Mine was to lose my virginity. Didn't come true either."

Tomoki paused and stared at her for a whole minute and sneered. "What else did you expect?"

Tomoko only sighed as an answer.

"What's the deal with virginity anyway? You didn't do something yet, then let's suppose you did, do they need silly phrases? Is 'virginity' something tangible that you 'lose' it? I wonder where that concept ever came from," Tomoki said, changing the topic.

"Well if you aren't a virgin anymore you won't be able to lure unicorns to your lap and touch it like a freaking maiden lady. Unicorns only show themselves to virgins."

"Unicorns aren't real, and I dreamed of one turning to a wolf and eating me. I was the one baited like a fish to be eaten by a big bad hungry wolf."

"So what do I call you now, red riding hood?"

"But the more you keep on repeating the word virginity the more sillier it sounds. 'I haven't had sex yet' sounds better than 'I'm still a virgin'. Maybe that's just a concept made by man."

"You always want the more blunt and direct choice of words, don't you? So, what's sex for you? I can imagine you saying, 'I moved my penis and discharged semen'. Yeah, I can totally picture you saying that."

"Hey, that's way more vulgar than anything I could come up with. What a sexy way to describe it, nee-chan, really, it can turn me on," he said, rolling his eyes.

"I still wished for that now, on a falling star. I just remembered that tomorrow is my eighteenth birthday. I still wish to lose my virginity, forgive the term."

"What a wish. Hell will probably freeze over first. Let's go home," he said and stood up to walk the empty road to home.

"With you," she said, and Tomoki had a coughing fit for real. He walked fast, then ran home as if to run from her.

"Rape!" Tomoki shouted and laughed like a loon, then tried to lock her out the gate but she managed to slip in before he could close it. She attempted to choke him instead, but he kept on laughing, clutching his stomach that they both ended up sitting on the grass. Tomoki pushed her away. They ended up lying on the ground with an endless view of the stars above, millions of light years away. For a long time, they said nothing, just looked the the bright sky.

"Fuck, I love you so much but I don't know if I want to lose my purity to you yet," Tomoki tried to say in all seriousness, but he can't help but laugh silly at his own failed joke.

"Purity, my ass." It was Tomoko's turn to look at him funny. She made an odd choking sound at what Tomoki said and it was her turn to laugh and laugh at how shitty he sounded.

"It would be great to sleep here. It's cold. But the morning dew would make me sick," he said.

"We can stay awake all we want. It's my birthday anyway, it's near midnight. Let's just sleep all day to celebrate and it wouldn't matter," she said, spread her arms on the grass.

"But it wouldn't make me get enough sleep before Monday. I don't get normal sleep these days, I think my body clock is screwed. Wait, see the stars? That's probably why they called the Milky Way the Silver River. Now I think a silver river would be a better name for that flow of stars..." he said, about to close his eyes again.

"Hey, don't fall asleep on the grass. Let's get in."

"Yeah. And happy birthday."

to be continued

Chapter Text

"Don't make me puke. We've only started this thing last month," Tomoki said, as Tomoko still bothered him in his room and joked about what they talked about outside.

"But we've known each other all our lives. I think it wouldn't make a difference!"

"You aren't serious, right? Stop getting crazy ideas in your head. It would be weird. It would be wrong."

"Aren't you the one who said you didn't even want to hear the word wrong? And forbidden? Or guilt?"

"That's different."

"Since we can't get married anyway, we'll eventually do what... married people do."

"Whatever. Like, doing that would be worse than seeing your parents get it on. Oh wait. We have the same parents."

"Huh? That's odd for you to say when both of us wouldn't even exist if it weren't for our parents doing that, but I sure feel weird when I see Mom and Dad get all touchy-feely with each other when Dad's been away for so long."

"Yeah, seriously. It's like they aren't even aware that we're walking around here."

"Remember that time when dad was away for a month? I think they made out in the sofa the whole afternoon while watching movies. They're worse than teenagers."

"Yeah, I didn't go down from my room that day."

"But you've seen irritating students so into their public displays of affection. I saw one couple making out near a river and I was tempted to push them both to the water and run away. They should just keep that to themselves."

Tomoki sneered as he recalled that they both had their own share of being touchy-feely with each other, even kissing, but Tomoko never ever asked him for that - he's always the one initiating it. He hasn't done that for some time, but in those first days he couldn't get enough of touching another person.

"So, would that be your birthday gift for me?"

"Fuck off."

"Good night, then. I mean good morning," Tomoko said, glancing at the clock before closing the door to leave for her room.

#

Come sunrise, she was still awake and slouching in front of her computer, clicking on tabs but not reading anything on the browser. The morning sky was slowly waking, sunrise swathed in soft pinks and greens, but her eyes were glazed over and shining with tiny reflections of the screen. Today is her first day as eighteen years old. Not that birthdays matter at all. It only reminded her that she was older and in two years of high school, she was still more or less the same as how she started.

An eighteenth birthday was supposed to be special, a debut. Maybe others had grand balls and eighteen roses, a soiree for all the relatives, but she can count her friends on one hand and she didn't know most of their family. Today will not be like that, it will just be like all the other birthdays, celebrated as an obligation, but there will be cash and gifts from her parents so she isn't complaining. She checked her phone, and read texts from her dad and Yuu greeting her happy birthday. Yuu saying that they could meet next time since she can't go today. Her dad saying he's in another place for work but will be going home next week. Tomoko didn't feel like going out anyway. She'll celebrate by sleeping for the whole day. She turned off the computer and collapsed to her bed, slept the morning away.

Lunch time, her mother opened her door and she woke her. "Happy birthday! Go down and eat," greeted her mother.

For lunch her mom cooked her favorite dishes, and there was a chocolate cake with her name and happy 18th birthday written in white frosting. Their father wasn't around. Tomoki was already eating on the table, he didn't even greet her. He even ate more than her.

After lunch, they ate slices of cake while their mother washed the pots, pans, and dishes.

"Hey, Tomoki, have you decided your gift for me? Or will it be a surprise?" Tomoko asked.

"I have none. Hell, you don't give me anything when it's my birthday," he said, taking a bite off the slice of cake on his fork.

"Jeez. It's my eighteenth birthday. So, you agree to what I said?"

"Yeah, fine," Tomoki said, and it was Tomoko's turn to choke. She wasn't serious at all, she knows Tomoki will brush it off, but then maybe it was her brother's idea of a joke, saying yes all of a sudden.

"A-Are you serious? Is this about what I said last night?"

"You're the one who wanted it. I said okay, and now you're asking me if I'm sure? When did I mean other than what I said?" Tomoko asked, looking her straight in the eyes. She could not meet it, but she couldn't look away from it either. It felt like he could see her falter, like he could read her mind. It was a joke but a small part of her wanted it to come true, and now that Tomoki agreed she couldn't believe her luck. Tomoki didn't mince words, what he thinks he says right away. If he says he'll do it, he will. Tomoko liked that about him, but at the same time it was the worst about him... like right now.

"But when..." She stopped when Tomoki kicked her leg under the table. He looked at their mother, who was oblivious to their conversation. Their mom finished washing the plates and walked to the bathroom on the other side of their living room.

"Mom's leaving before evening. She's said she'll go to the bank to withdraw money and shop. She's leaving round six, she said she'll be meeting a friend and she'll go back by eight. So, your room or mine?" Tomoki said in a whisper as if it was nothing at all, and Tomoko choked for the second time on her Coke. She sat up straight, breathed. She almost wanted to bang her head on the table to make sure she wasn't hallucinating. This was happening too fast for her to process.

"It could be in my room," she said, finally.

"I'll just go there, then. When Mom leaves." Tomoki said, and went to the kitchen with both their empty plates and washed them on the sink. Then their mother went out the bathroom and turned on the TV. Tomoki got a throw pillow from the sofa, went outside to sleep on the wooden bench under the only tree in their garden. He lied down, and the tree's shade draped over him and he closed his eyes. Tomoko wanted to go out there too, and curl up next to him but the bench only had space for one, so she went back upstairs to sleep in her own room instead. Tomoki was outside, so he'd know if their mother will leave. She could just wait for him.

#

Tomoko was like under a mist of sleep that day, since for the previous night she stayed awake. She woke again and it was already a quarter to six in the evening. She woke alarmed, remembered that she and Tomoki had an agreement earlier. That was fast, and she still couldn't quite believe it. Was it really going to happen, today? To her? With him? Is this all a dream? To do something that was only ever possible in imagination, that the prospect of it seemed like the thought of death – remote and far away. She only entertained it in secret, something exclusive only to fantasy that the fact that it could happen any time tonight, she was getting nearer to it as the minutes passed, their mother would leave soon... it was like having a thing from a dream step out of her sleep and into their garden.

It was the subject of many jokes by blushing girls, but it only seemed to her that she would partake in a bizarre ritual, like being killed and sliced up and offered to the altar for ancient gods. Why was it so weird to her when it was the very thing that perpetuated the human species? But it wasn't 'sexy' at all to her, right now. Like her previous fantasies of being gang-raped, she felt phantom pain below her navel, maybe there will be pain like never before, like having yourself gutted and chopped and axed down. It made her think of things like dark space before planets, chaos of a time before time, of points exploding to universes. In a sense, she will soon partake in an act of creation. It wasn't sweet or romantic at all but murky, violent, like she'll be experiencing something so unreal and remote from her life it was almost mythical.

Until now she couldn't believe it and all she could think of, was it really going to happen? Any time today? With her? With him? She was pressing both her hands on her head, a puzzled look on her face.

Instead of thinking, she started to clean the clutter in her room to somehow relax all her thoughts. She gathered all scattered books, papers, unwashed clothes, and game CDs all over her room. She refolded the clothes and stashed them in a drawer near her shelf. When she opened the drawer, she found that old green dress she bought on a whim and which she never used again. Maybe she will never get a chance to wear it again. She took it out and placed it on her bed, she had forgotten the designs, and so she touched it again to examine all the details. All stunted vines and dark green designs embroidered with outlines of leaves and flowers that hinted of a night in the forest. It would have looked nicer on a better-looking girl who had the shape to fill it out. There was a tear on the side of the skirt, from jumping off a gate lined with barbed wire... when she escaped prom with Tomoki months ago.

She took off her house clothes and tried the dress on again. She examined herself in the mirror. It didn't look nice on her, and maybe she should sell it... it might be cheaper because of a tear she didn't know how to mend.

She was about to take it off again and change back to her previous clothes, but then she heard her door open.

#

Tomoki woke up, and stared at the dense leaves above him. He woke alarmed, remembered that he and Tomoko had an agreement earlier. He could hear his mother inside the house, she hasn't left yet.

He wasn't really thinking when he agreed to his sister's strange proposal, which started as a half-assed joke on her part. He himself sealed the deal and they're only waiting for their mother to leave. Sex to him was something natural, something that will eventually happen sooner or later... like death, somewhere out there but it's not in his head while he's living. They were in the age where teens were crazy with new hormones, enstranged and fascinated at the changes of their bodies. Tomoki was just like any other boy, he was curious too. It was normal, to him, everyone existed because of it, but it seemed that the whole world was making it so overrated.

As he stared at the sky, he felt cold all of a sudden and he trembled slightly with fear. He only realized now the weight of that decision. Words like copulation, penetration, ejaculation, contraception, all terms related to the act replayed in his head with intensity and disgust. Charts of human biology and drawings of internal reproductive organs flashbacked through his mind. That moment Tomoki's whole being was revolted at that idea, he couldn't imagine himself there. He cringed, grit his teeth. What the hell made him want to agree? They would be committing, the worst of all words: incest, and now it would be down-and-dirty actual.

But then he had said yes, and after all the weirdness and slight nausea he felt, was anticipation. He calmed himself by imagining him and his sister free and alone, finally confronting it, lying in afterglow. The way desire eats his heart when he knows that she is his alone, the way she melts into him when they kiss. It would be more satisfying than mere kisses or what keeps him up at night sometimes, something necessary but not that fulfilling or satisfying. Whatever inkling of desire he had the night they slept together in his bed long ago, was now going to bear fruit, and be consummated.

"Tomoki, I'm going. Is there something wrong with you? Do you feel sick? You look pale," his mother said, peering on his face.

"Nah. I'm okay," he replied.

"Treat your older sister better, okay? It's her birthday after all," she said, and opened the gate to leave.

"Yeah. In fact I'm going upstairs to–" he said but was cut off, his mother has walked out to the street.

Strong wind shut the gate closed, leaving a resounding echo on the metal. There was a sudden rustle of leaves, and dry ones fell like rain. What had he meant to say anyway? I'm going upstairs to sleep with her, Mom. It would be our first time. You really need to know.

They were now alone. The silence was deafening, and his heart started beating fast. He went in the house and ran up the stairs, told himself to get over it and just do it. He went to his room to get something from his desk drawer, a ravioli-shaped pack - contraception once handed out for free in Biology class, when they talked about reproductive health. He recalled it was an embarrassing lecture, but he can't remember the details, it was so long ago and they have been sitting in his drawer unused.

He paused and took a deep breath before opening the door to her room.

#

"What are you dressed up for?" Tomoki asked as he entered, Tomoko didn't face him but their eyes met in the mirror. He locked the door.

"We're getting married," she said.

"What the hell are you talking about? Brothers and sisters can't be married," he answered.

"Are you," Tomoko said, turned around and looked at him but he shifted his gaze to continue looking at the mirror behind her. "...sure about this?"

"It'll happen anyway, sooner or later as you said, right? Would it make a difference if we get over it now? But if you don't want to, then we don't have to."

"I want to, but I'm kinda nervous. Really. But it's you, so... but what do I do?" Tomoko said, almost whispering the answer to herself.

"Then just imagine we're the only people left in the world. As if this was our last night on Earth."

"I can't believe I just heard you say that."

"Whatever. You're not the only one who's not sure, you know."

"I think I hate this dress. I don't want to see it again."

"Then take it off."

She unzipped the dress at the back and let it fall to the floor. She wore nothing underneath. He looked at her from her face to her feet, but then she's not so nervous anymore, as he'd seen her naked before. Tomoki kept the light off. It was twilight, they could still see each other, but darker night was nearing. He stripped off his clothing one by one, the shirt first, then his shorts, and last, his boxers. He folded all his clothes to a neat pile on the foot of her bed.

The day ended and night dawned outside, the last streaks of orange from the sun gone faded to welcome evening, and the cicadas were screaming. The sky isn't that dark yet, but colored bottle-blue. It helped to focus on something else, as he tried to act like this was nothing, when being naked made him so self-conscious. He tried to look like he didn't feel anything. He stood straight and masked all emotions from his face, but he couldn't do that for long – he slouched, looked down the floor and blushed. He felt his hands tremble and his cheeks burn, blood ever-turning fast inside him. He swallowed spit, as if to calm himself. He closed his eyes and breathed deep to help stop it. He looked at his sister again, who was looking at him, and he felt trapped under her hesitant gaze.

#

Tomoki looked just like any lean, normal guy when he was clothed, but when he took off his clothes all she could think of was the old times when they still took baths together. Long ago, Tomoki still had baby-fat, and there was no shame in nakedness then. She was even the one who helped him bathe. Tomoki's body now had defined muscles, there was strength in his arms and his legs, a fine body for a man. Aware of her nakedness, she felt malnourished and inadequate compared to him. It was the farthest from the ideal woman's body in her head, she looked like a deformed girl with stunted growth next to Tomoki.

"Stop looking at me, will you? It makes me feel so embarrassed," Tomoki said, and only when he mentioned that did she notice she was looking at him for so long. Tomoki was always irritated and self-assured, but it was rare to see him blush like this. She had thought he'd be the one in control here, and she learned she wasn't the only one with no idea where to begin.

He sat on the bed. "Come on," Tomoki said, and she took slow, hesitant steps to sit beside him. He pulled her close, covered her face with his, and led her down.

The floor carpet dissolved to rain-damp soil and the vines grew out her dress left forgotten on the floor, filling the room with growing tendrils and smothering near their faces with roses. Their bed was rainforest floor, and the ceiling was dark and the stars were beginning to brighten. They might as well be in a forest underneath a canopy of vines and leaves, midnight flowers blooming just for them and for this.

#

Afterwards, when the illusion dreams of forests and flowers around them had faded, they'd lie still on the bed, both naked with sweat drying on skin. Tomoko was looking at the ceiling with eyes wide, as if startled. Tomoki was lying on his side with his back to her, knees drawn up his chest as if he was holding and hiding himself. He scowled and looked at the wall instead, as if puzzling over some incomprehensible shadow on the paint. The light was still off but the room was illuminated by the streetlight's glow. It wasn't what he expected, after they were done.

He had imagined a different aftermath than this: them both in blissful exhaustion, her sleeping and safe in his arms, the promise of peaceful sleep without nightmares. But during that they were both fumbling, almost ready to jump in their clothes again at any sound similar to the gate unlocking. How can a locked door induce anxiety? Now he was sure his sister thought the same thing: what the hell did we just do.

The sound of cicadas played loud like a tormenting pop song. The clock flipped by, a sound like resounding heartbeats in the dark. Then there was the sound of the gate opening, their mom was now home. It was an alarm, and in a few moments they had already slipped on their discarded clothes.

After he dressed, Tomoki unlocked the door of her room so their mother wouldn't suspect anything. He went back to sit on her bed. She resumed lying down and staring at the blank ceiling, contemplating the numbness between her legs.

"What's wrong?" she asked him.

"I don't know. How was it?"

Somewhere there, Tomoko had misgivings and they stopped half-way, immediately feeling awkward, disgusted, and turned off at what they were doing. Even if she was the one who said she wanted it, doing the actual getting down and dirty was worse. Truly, things are only perfect in fantasy and imagination. She didn't like the act, of two people rubbing on each other and the thought of sharing dirty body excretions made her shiver and feel scared. He sensed her discomfort and they stopped.

"Okay. I didn't hate it, but I didn't like it much either," Tomoko said,

"You were the one who said you wanted it. But then, it's fine if you wanted to stop."

"I think I like cuddling better."

"Whatever. How long did it happen anyway? Then we were both turned off and stopped..."

"Does it feel weird, Tomoki?"

"What feels weird?"

"That, we didn't even think that we shouldn't do this in the first place? That we're siblings. That we could go on without this. But you know, even if it wasn't that good I think the only chance I'll ever get laid is with you. And now, I won't die a virgin." Tomoko grinned and laughed at her own joke, but Tomoki didn't.

"What? I know this would sound weird too, nee-chan, but I'd rather done that with you than with anyone else I don't know. It would be stranger, if it had been with someone else other than you."

"This sounds crazy too, but I agree. Does this change anything, Tomoki?"

"Nothing at all."

"Do you want to do this again?"

"Not anytime soon."

"I'm sorry, Tomoki." Before that, she had thought she's be happier after. She didn't expect this kind of sadness, loneliness, and weariness that clung to her, and it was like she got older by decades afterwards. Now she felt guilt that she'd dirtied her brother.

"What's there to be sorry about?" Tomoki answered, but not looking at her, only the streetlight outside the window.

"That maybe, you didn't want it and only did because of my stupid birthday wish I now wish I didn't wish in the first place. Really, I feel so bad now, I'm so sorry."

"Nee-chan, I wouldn't agree if I didn't want it too, right?" He said, voice in the most gentle tone Tomoko has never heard before. "And now, we know how it's like."

"Thanks, Tomoki," she said, Tomoko nodded and covered herself with a blanket and tried to sleep. He left.

#

They both stayed in their separate rooms, both uneasy in their own beds and clothes still sticking on skin damp with sweat. At the same time, they bolted out of their beds to rush downstairs to the bathroom, intending to wash away their smell on each other. They raced through the hallway and stopped at the bathroom door. Tomoko pushed him out the door and said, "I take the shower first, it's my birthday."

Tomoki tood waiting with his back on the door. Their mother, ever oblivious, was in the living room watching the news. Tomoko went out after ten minutes and Tomoki rushed in. They didn't talk or see each other again that night.

No matter how good the previous days have been when they started being together, they didn't expect this kind of guilt to eat its way into their hearts. Tomoki was the one who said to question what society thought, but even then he felt he committed something abnormal and punishable.

The dreams they had reflected this.

In her dream, she went back to that place below the green sky. The grinning girl was still holding the fruit, a blood-red apple, which turned to a heart. Tomoko wanted to run but she can't. The girl held her by the face and forced her to eat and swallow. The meat turned into pythons in her mouth, slithering through her throat and devouring her insides. She wanted to puke it all, that what was succulent fruit were beasts eating their way and killing her from within.

In his dream, the once-gentle horned beast changed to a wolf and chased him, teeth tearing his flesh. Even with ripped open guts he managed to run, and killed the animal with his knife. He ran and ran, until the forest gave way to desert, but he lost and he was eaten until he was a bloody open skeleton dead on desert sand, all his meat devoured by the pack, the wolf inviting his entire breed to take part of him. His empty skull eyes staring, empty, and pale bones picked and licked clean until it was gleaming alabaster under the moonlight.

They couldn't even think of the other after that night without feeling love turning to disgust, regret, and longing.

#

The next school day, they tried to forget the incident and continue like yesterday never happened. Tomoko happened to see Kotomi in the girl's restroom. They were both looking the themselves in the same wide mirror. Kotomi cleaning her glasses with tissue and Tomoko washing her hands.

"I saw your brother kiss you. Pretty weird but lucky you."

"Are you sick? You're putting malice on it. And stop talking about him."

The doorbell rang, and Kotomi's mouth was open to answer, but Tomoko walked fast back to her classroom and tried not to think about her brother but then Tomoki passed by her in the hallway and they only glanced at each other without greeting.

#

When he went home, he found his sister in his room, lying on his bed. Tomoko was staring at the ceiling again.

"What are you doing here?" Tomoki asked. He recalled yesterday night, but it never mattered or changed anything at all. It appeared that Tomoko was sleeping, so he just sat on his chair and continued studying. He opened a can of Coke and drank, and got the History textbook and a neon yellow highlighter from his bag and started to study.

"Hey Tomoki, do me," she said, and did Tomoki almost puke out all that mouthful of Coke.

"I thought we agreed not to, not anytime soon," he said.

"But I'm feeling really backed right now. I think it would be better, you know, the second time. It would feel amazing. Not like yesterday."

"But. Mom might..." He glanced at the door, his lips trembled slightly.

"She's not here. Come on, she said she'll arrive late. She usually isn't away so long," she said, and tried to reach out to hold Tomoki's hand still holding his drink. Tomoki left it on the table. Tomoki closed his eyes and sighed, and in resignation walked to the door and to make sure it was locked. His sister was there on his bed, her cheeks red, her bare feet wiggling a bit. He sat on the bed. She didn't move, her eyes were shut, she held her breath.

He touched the hem of her skirt and pulled it up, no underwear. She was really looking to start something. He buried his face between her legs and tried to use his mouth. He tasted, tongue laving, imagining himself to be a rabid black wolf lapping up blood from a recent kill while his sister thrashed above him.

"Holy shit," she said, cursed in a voice thick with desire and longing, and even if they were alone here at home and she was whispering he had to clamp his left hand hard on her mouth to make her shut up. And he continued, somehow did it with no noise at all. They only ever did this once, last night, but both of them had been so silent, they didn't make a sound that even the whisper of the wind outside was louder.

#

It was this time where she did indeed die, expire, and if coming was akin to dying – as what was said of that moment, the little death – then she had died again and again in his bed. It seemed to last for so long, she wasn't aware of time, or of how many times pleasure lashed through her like wave after heavy wave of sea in the throes of a storm. Her theory was confirmed, her brother did have the strength to leave her tired and breathless. He did things with his hands, mouth, that even the smallest caress or kiss could make her die. She bit her tongue to keep herself quiet, tasting and swallowing spit and blood.

Afterwards, both of them still damp with sweat even if the air conditioning was sub-zero freezing, Tomoki back on his table writing and Tomoko smiling delirious on his bed, looking drowsy and chasing her dreams with a smile. Her knees were still shaking, and this probably what it felt like to have her brains fucked out of her.

"You're the one who got carried away," Tomoko said, whose skirt was damp with come, hers and his. Tomoki folded a piece of paper towel, wiped them off her, wrapped the used contraception in scratch paper to throw later.

"Change your clothes. They're full of sweat," Tomoko said, before drawing up the sheets to sleep. They still wore most of their uniform. Tomoki's hands shook and his handwriting was shaky, still drained from what they did. He decided to stop trying to study, he let himself fall into bed instead, pull her close for a kiss and then sleep.

This was better than the first, there was an instinct to it, to what action can provoke a specific reaction. He felt like a god, he felt whole, he hasn't felt anything like that before.

#

Their mother went upstairs to check if Tomoki was home. She tread softly, since Tomoki could be sleeping or studying. She turned the knob and it was locked, but the door slid quiet for a centimeter. Something moving on the bed, but silent and cautious. She opened the door a bit more, and her eyes widened shocked at the sight. For a moment she stayed, as if not believing what she was seeing. She seemed to freeze for a moment, unable to process it. She still closed the door as silent as she can, dumbfounded and for once not knowing how to react. She ran down to the kitchen, filled a glass with ice water and drank it all. She sat on a chair, her own hand slapped against her forehead and her eyes still unblinking and open in shock.

She sat on the kitchen chair, feeling like she should puke, or think about it because she still couldn't decide if it was a trick of the light, that maybe she had mistaken what she really saw. Her mind was totally blank against this paradox, and wondered what was wrong with her, if it was her fault, something wrong in her way of bringing them up. Sure, they grew up together rather close, but then fell out in a manner so common in siblings with years so small a gap.

She didn't expect that. She was caught in a dilemma of how to feel, her heart lurching. She was preparing the food on the table, but after that left for her room and stayed there, thinking of what to do, sat on the blank space where her husband slept. It's okay, if she doesn't go out for dinner her son would wash the dishes anyway.

Maybe she could decide, later. A long while later, she heard them go downstairs, she could hear the sound of plates, glasses, and spoons. She still had time enough to think.

#

Tomoki woke up alone in his bed, 10 that night. He hasn't eaten, so he just joined his sister downstairs for dinner. Tired as they were, they didn't speak of it again. Tomoko just yawned and left him to wash the dishes after eating. Like all that before, nothing really changed between them. He heard someone else's footsteps, and when he saw his mother approaching his first reaction was shock and guilt. He breathed, tried to calm the sudden beating rush of blood inside him.

"Where's Tomoko? Has she eaten?" she asked.

"Yes. She's now sleeping, in her room," he said, trying his best to keep his voice from shaking.

"The next time you and your sister fuck, you should probably make sure you've closed the door. You locked it, but it wasn't closed," said this mother, and Tomoki almost dropped the plate on the sink but managed to catch it before it could break and shatter. He looked at her, and it was as though this woman wasn't his mother. His mother's voice reeked with venom, a hairsbreadth away from exploding, words spoken through gritted teeth.

He's never seen her like this, her green eyes glaring at him, color made brighter by the whites now turned red, probably from crying. Maybe she had. If her teeth ground any harder, maybe they would crush. She was clenching her fists so hard that her manicured nails must already be making her palms bleed with four deep crescent wounds. All Tomoki could do was stare at her, fear in his eyes, for the first time feeling like a trapped rat. For all his talk about how they were never wrong because it felt right... he felt unmistakable doom looming over his back like a shadow of an oncoming storm. The water was still running on the faucet, soap still in his hands. He had sinned, he was caught, and now there was nothing he could do. He couldn't deny it now.

"Why?" His mother asked.

Tomoki tried to maintain a facade of indifference, trying to look more interested in the water washing off the bowl than facing his mother.

He answered, "Would it be wrong if she wanted it too?"

His mother hit him with a slap, it sounded like a gunshot that even the birds coasting in the trees outside were startled. A fast, black cloud of the flocks flew upwards and disappeared to the sky. The noise of beating wings and the loud cries of birds seemed to shake the very air. Then silence.

His face, eyes wide and tears threatening, was thrown to the side. The slap felt like it had enough force to even behead him.

Then there was only the sound of a boy weeping from the pain.

to be continued.

Chapter Text

"What? That's so easy for you to say, what's wrong if she wanted it too? What are you? Nothing better than dogs, pigs? When did this start? How long have you been doing this behind my back?" Tomoki's mother asked. He was leaning over the sink, wiping tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. His mother's slap left the skin of his cheek red. His tears fell on the metal surface of the sink, going down the drain along with the water still flowing from the faucet.

"I..." Tomoki said, and a sound hitched in his throat, a sob. "No, just... yesterday. When it was her birthday and when you went away. It's not like what you think." He was still crying. He hated himself for it, it made him look weak, but then he still reeled from the pain and the tears would not stop and he kept wiping on them with his hands. It was fine when it was a secret, and he and Tomoko fooled themselves with stupid stories that aren't real, telling themselves that they weren't wrong – he was the one who convinced his sister of all that, but now faced with this, something that he hasn't prepared himself for, he was helpless.

"Then what else would I think? If you were me, what would you think? I don't fucking know what to think," his mother said, and for all her words she still embraced him and he held her too, and he cried on her shirt.

"God, I'm sorry," Tomoki's mother said as her son still couldn't make himself stop crying.

"I never... meant to be so dramatic about this, but, what else would I do? If you were a mother? Seeing that?" his mother asked, her voice also trembling. "I was so shocked, that's all," she said as she got an ice pack kept in the fridge, pressed it to Tomoki's cheek, and held him. Tomoki only pulled away and wiped off his own tears with his shirt and pressed the cold plastic to his face.

#

As Tomoko hugged a pillow to sleep, all she could think of was that whole blissful afternoon in her brother's room. All her previous expectations have been colored by fiction and fantasies that she hasn't imagined the real thing to be so different, far from what anything she could come up with before it. What she thought yesterday as the worst thing one could experience was better now.

The terrible idea seized her when she went home from school, headed first to the bathroom, pulled down her shorts and underwear to take a piss, and then decided to do away with them altogether and ask him to do it again.

Was it possible, to feel that again? The fire in her blood, how everything else disappeared she thought of nothing else but that moment, it seemed like the rest of the world ceased existing except the both of them.

So close in her brother's arms, she felt the safest, free to act on whatever she wants, that unfathomable ease and madness at the same time, the exciting danger of letting go, like falling over a cliff and trying to remember all that she could feel... She was holding him too, he was around and within her, they moved together so softly, slowly. All the while he pressed delicate kisses on her neck, her cheeks, on her forehead, upon her lips. The dull yellow skirt of her uniform spread around her on his bed as they didn't take off most of their clothes, her feet either sliding on the bed sheets or against her brother's calves. Everything was quiet except for the sound of their clothes against each other and their breathing.

As she closed her eyes, this has lulled her into a dreamlike state between sleeping and waking, it made her think of a calm, still place – of an empty, vast, unpainted gray room with no doors. There is only one window as large as a movie screen, overlooking black rocks bordering a shoreline, the sea flat as glass with no waves stretching towards a horizon and she could not see where the sea stopped and sky started, they both seemed to blend into one.

She wondered if it was possible to feel that again. Her attempts by herself had been frustrating, and she rarely ever reached that point where everything else seems to disappear except the act of gratifying the senses. Why spoil the perfect moment with the next tries that might not achieve that? It might as well be the last time.

(She didn't know how right she was, it may only be the second and the last.)

It was far from vulgar, far from dirty, far from sin. How can it be wrong? How can it not be

pure?

There was a sound like something snapping, then all of a sudden so many birds were surprised and flew to the sky. Tomoko slept, and there were no nightmares this time.

#

Mother and son sat on the sofa in their living room. It is dark and the only light is from the television screen tuned in to a foreign channel showing a preacher speaking. Tomoki pressed an ice pack to his cheek, his mother sitting on the other end of the chair.

"I know, you and your sister should love each other, but that just wasn't right. I can forgive you this time, it isn't both your fault for being curious when you only have each other to... release all that with. What were you saying to her, what was she saying to you that you started all this foolishness?" his mother asked, her hands moving as she spoke fast. They both wore similar expressions on their faces of sadness, like despair with no hope in the end.

Tomoki bit his lip and wiped tears from the corners of his eyes. He was a boy, a man, and he thought that he isn't supposed to cry in the corner like a wimp. But the slap still stung.

"That," he said, paused to breathe and continued, "That it wasn't wrong because it felt right, we weren't hurting anyone, you say it's wrong when maybe it's wrong just because everyone thought it was wrong with no reason at all."

"You're hurting me now. Do you want to get hurt again? Imagine what your father will think. You've never seen him angry, but when he is... I'm sure he'll make it worse than a slap," said his mother.

"He isn't here all the time anyway. Sometimes I even forget he's here, like he doesn't even exist."

"You're changing the subject. I'm talking to you, because you understand. Sometimes I think you're the one older, you're more responsible, you should understand. You try to keep a secret in this house, then you forget to lock doors and accidents happened. He'll know, eventually, even if you try to keep this a secret. And if this goes on, I might have to tell him."

"What are you trying to say?"

"You both, stop this now. Whatever it is."

"I wasn't forcing her too. She didn't force me to, not ever. If you need to know something, it's that none of us forced the other. Isn't that enough? That we both wanted it? It's not like I have the only say on the matter. Ask her too," he said, speaking without thinking.

"You're running away from your fault. You did it. Fix it," she said, and the way her clenched fist shook, it was like she was resisting the urge to hurt him again in any way.

Tomoki did not know what to say anymore, so he only nodded, still slightly shaking from all that. He left his mother and headed back to his room. He could hear the preacher on TV quoting scripture, saying, treat all women kindly and with respect as you would your mothers and sisters.

#

He lay still in bed unable to sleep, and remembering all they did only made it worse. They had just started, and his mother now wants it all to be over, just because of one damn door he wasn't careful to lock properly as it was jammed. He was lying down on the same bed where his sister was, just this afternoon. He never hated himself more than how he did right now.

He could not even fight for it. He could not even repeat all those justifications he reasoned out with his sister when he decided to be with her, and suddenly all this seemed so stupid. That stupid night when she said she loved him, his stupid reaction and all that kissing, and the shitty things they did yesterday and the other day. All because of a joke on her part, only because she wanted something, and maybe if she hasn't brought up the idea in the first place he wouldn't even think about it. This wouldn't have happened. He'll figure out tomorrow how to end it. It would be easy to hate her again, to pretend all this never occurred, to go back to the way things were before this.

#

The next school day passed by as usual for Tomoko. She didn't see her brother in school, but when she got home that afternoon something was off with her mother. She didn't greet her, and there were bags under her eyes and it looked like she didn't get enough sleep last night. She just cooked their dinner in the kitchen in silence, when usually she welcomed her home with cheer. Tomoki didn't go home his usual time and she ate dinner ahead, there was probably his football practice. She decided to spend another evening online.

When she heard the door to her brother's room open, she got out and waited for awhile outside his closed door before she got in. When she slid the door open to greet him, Tomoki was sitting on his bed. When he looked at her, she was met with Tomoki's stern expression staring at her with a look she hasn't seen there before: something like hate, disgust, and pity.

"I want to end this," Tomoki said.

"What do you mean?" Tomoko asked, voice trembling.

"We can't possibly continue this anymore. I don't feel what I felt then, when this all started. I don't like it anymore. I don't like being this way with you anymore."

"Why?" Tomoko's eyes were wide, tears brimming on the corners and she scolded herself inside at her reactions, don't you cry, maybe he's in one of his dark moods again.

"It feels like you used me."

"What? Tomoki, never once did I..."

"I said I don't like it anymore. Get out. You wanted to use someone to make yourself feel better and I'm your brother, for god's sake! You can't just get some other person because you can't, and I'm the first bloody idiot nearby. Just forget this all."

"What did I do? Was this because of... I thought you said it was your choice too! And this is not because of having no one else available, I meant all that I said," she said fast, and how quick did things turn to reverse. She had thought that yesterday was heaven, and now in a day's time things have gone different.

"I said... I... dislike it now," Tomoki said, his teeth grinding, glaring at his sister with all the hate he could show. He was acting like his mother, releasing her anger at him through exploding it all on Tomoko. He was convincing himself to end this, his voice shaking, and he found himself trying to stop tears from coming again. He didn't know his own feelings, and just let words fly from his mouth without thinking and letting confusion and anger take over.

"Then I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Tomoki, forgive me. I don't want to force you. I am most terribly sorry," she kept on repeating the apology, wondering why this had been all of a sudden, her brother's outburst. She was shaking as she stepped out his room and closed the door. She ran to her room and sat on her bed, staring at her palms and wondered again on what was wrong with her. She was ashamed for all those fantasies now, of yesterday, and they had fought for no reason at all before, and maybe this was just another fight that could be resolved...

She stayed awake all night and wondered what she did wrong. Maybe there was one thing she had fucked up, or most likely it waseverything where she did wrong. And for the first time she felt a similar feeling to having her heart broken. Pseudo-broken from a pseudo-relationship, that is.

She can just imagine that that was all a long drawn-out dream, something that she will eventually forget. Like she was thrown into a story for an odd fate, something that didn't know how to end itself.

She clutched at a pillow, hands shaking. She trembled with confusion, that turned to anger. She whispered to no one in the dark, whispering through gritted teeth and saying, No, you're the one who used me, you're the one who said those things and kissed me and I believed you, you're the one who wanted to make a fool of someone and I was the first bloody idiot nearby who believed everything. I've been living in a stupid, stupid dream.

On his own bed, Tomoki touched his face, where his mother slapped him. His sister ran off, and he buried his face in his pillows and pulled at his hair with his hands. Inside, he regretted hurting her. It only made him more confused, and he added another rift with his sister along with the fight yesterday with his mother.

#

Tomoki never talked to her the next day. Her mother still didn't say a word to her.

First period for today was Math, and the teacher was writing the pointers for the final exams on the blackboard. Then she realized that the school year was near ending. Finals will be next week. There were only a couple of weeks left before her last summer vacation as a high school student. So many things have happened between her and Tomoki that time's passing and all her school requirements didn't seem to matter.

Days passed, leading to summer vacation, were silent agony for Tomoko. Tomoki never spoke to her, and even her mother wasn't her usual cheerful self. Tomoki was busy with practice and exams. She found herself doing last-minute cramming for essays and lab reports, trying to study with more effort so she wouldn't blow her final grades too much, and she had been slacking off in school. Everyone was up to their noses in books. It was easy to forget the whole mess about Tomoki, easy to forget him while she was busy in schoolwork she didn't bother to do when she had time.

For days, she hardly slept, exhausting herself until the last day of finals week.

#

Another summer vacation, and her last for high school. She was frightened at the thought of her last year… she's glad that it would be over soon, but she'd have to adjust to other changes. They would be talking about university, she'd have to decide things, and she's afraid that instead of improving, she'll only get worse. She had to accomplish something now that it's her last year. Two wasted years and she's abandoned her first goal of being popular.

Days passed by for her as usual, doing nothing. She killed time and wasted hours on the internet, games, DVDs, movies and anime series... that dread summer vacation again. She never made grand plans anymore, she knew she wouldn't do them anyway. She found herself listening again to erotic CDs with possessive guys speaking, something she had stopped in the middle of that pseudo-relationship with her brother.

Her brother stopped talking to her altogether. He pretended she didn't exist and continued like nothing ever happened between them. So much for fake promises and all the lies he said, that short time when he treated her like she was more than just a sister. He was back to the way he was before: cold, distant, uncaring. She could not even make herself talk to him or annoy him in her usual way. She wouldn't admit it ever, but missed that. He was already unapproachable, yet it felt like if she breached his barrier something bad would happen, that maybe he'd say something that can hurt her even more. She had her pride, if he wanted to end it, then maybe Tomoko can show him that she's not that crazy over him anyway…

She never even saw her brother and her mother talk lately, their house has been so silent.

She had been living in a fantasy since it all started, no less than a few weeks of bliss and ignorance. She had felt like they could go on for years, maybe their whole lives, but it was like something cut before it could even take root. It was all foolish to her now, what they said to each other. They both sounded like children clinging to dreams, trying to build an illusion.

She's the one who started this thing and she's the one to blame. She could end it, she doesn't need to tell him.

Weeks passed and it came to the point she could not look at her brother anymore without feeling ashamed of herself. She could imagine his reasons for hating her now, so suddenly. She's stolen from him a lot of thing: first love, innocence, all from her loneliness and perversity and virginal erotic frenzy. The two times they slept together didn't bring good memories, since it made her think of herself as some sort of sexual predator. Her quick suggestion and their decision to do it then also had its fast consequences, like how Tomoki ignored her now.

She could just imagine that all that had been a dream, like all the forgotten nightmares she's had when all this begun. Her brother doesn't deserve someone like her. She could just accept that and move on.

(But it still hurts, even as she tries to convince herself otherwise. She tells herself what to think, but her feelings for him hadn't changed.)

#

One day, in the middle of summer break, Tomoki brought girls along with his friends. She could hear them giggle and the guys laugh and joke in mocking voices, some movie playing on his TV they were watching. They were having fun while Tomoko listened on the other side, ear pressed to the wall with unexpected tears in her eyes. She was so alone again, here just on the other side and she's missing out on all the fun. She will never get to experience that, and she's wasted her youth and high school and all her summer vacations. She whispered to herself I'm alone but I'm happy, I'm really happy. What if she broke down here and sobbed? Would they wonder who was crying, would they rush in and ask her who she was, why was she so sad, and maybe they'd understand and love her and maybe she'll never feel this ever again.

She imagined: soon the friends will leave and her brother will be alone with a remaining girl and they would kiss and shed off their uniforms madly, piece by piece, then the girl will be getting her mind blown and will probably wonder how Tomoki got so good (he had been practicing with his sister, you see). She thought of Tomoki sharing pleasure with a beautiful girl and Tomoko will only be one of Tomoki's embarrassing memories to trash and forget.

Sure, she knew how to torture herself with remembering and imagining.

#

In his room, Tomoki sat alone on the floor. He had been presenting a false self to his classmates and inside he was glad they all went away. The movie was still playing on the screen. Trying not to think of Tomoko but unable to think of anything else. He still hasn't spoken to her, but his silence was from confusion, and not to arouse more suspicion from his mother. He didn't know what to do and this was only his resort to problems he didn't know what to solve. He hasn't even talked to his mother yet, but he knew she was watching them.

#

One night, the family had dinner together, all of them present. It is so rare to have them all together to eat as their dad always went home late. Tomoki didn't look at any of them and just ate.

"Something seems to be wrong here. Why has the house become so solemn and serious? We all used to talk. It's like you three are acting like someone died," her father said after they all ate and the table has been cleared.

"Your good son and daughter has been sleeping together," her mother said while washing their dishes on the sink.

Tomoko's hands shook on the glass of red iced tea she was holding. Her mother knew? How long had she known?

Her father just laughed. "They're always been close, right? What's wrong with that?"

Her father didn't get it.

"I meant they were not doing something as innocent as you think. But I got them to stop before deformed children could be born."

An expression of shock passed through her father's face and turned into anger. It reminded her of Tomoki's angry face and she trembled inside from it.

"No use lying, right, father, nee-chan?" Tomoki shrugged and answered. "Yeah, it was a mistake and it won't happen agai–"

He was cut off mid-sentence, his father's fist met his face with such force, made the insides of his mouth crash against his teeth until he tasted his own blood. Spit and streaks of red poured from his open mouth. He found himself knocked down kneeling on the kitchen floor. How cool he acted when he started speaking, was how undignified he looked like now. He was about to be hit the gut, but his mother restrained his father from hurting him further. Not thinking, Tomoko threw herself between them and held Tomoki. Her brother pushed her away in disgust and tried to stand up again but he fell to the floor again, what he said roused a newfound anger was in their father.

"Dad! Don't hurt him! It was all my fault!" she said, as if she could make this better, as if she could just play hero out of nowhere. She knelt beside Tomoki sitting on the floor, caressed his cheek until her brother's blood and spit was coating her hands. Tomoki didn't try to push her away from him again. It seemed to her as if he was just a boy, just a little brother all along, and Tomoko couldn't even comfort him or save him and she didn't know what to do. She was so small, so useless, for the first and only time acted like how an older sister should...

Brother, I'm sorry.

Tomoki clutched at her in an awkward way, as her mother and father argued in the background. She didn't listen to them. Tomoki spoke.

"Why'd you have to say it? You said he'd do something worse and you said it when you know. You're making things worse, I said I would stop it, this didn't have to come to this," Tomoki said to their mother. This is the first time Tomoko saw her brother talk back to her. Her father has calmed down, but his breathing was audible and tense. He looked down at both of them as if they were disgusting things. As if he would denounce them as his children. What had started as a normal family dinner changed fast into a confrontation out of some soap opera.

"Sorry, but the way you said it, gloating like that? Like you don't mean anything at all, like you're even making fun of us," his mother answered.

"Why are you talking to your mother as if I'm not here? I would be more offended if this hasn't come to my attention. You wanted me to remain an ignorant idiot while you let your mother deal with this? Even if you stopped it, I have sufficient reason to punish you. I expected better from both of you," their father said, so calm and serious now.

"Why me? You can't hit nee-chan too because she's the girl and I'm the guy then I must be at fault? Haven't you heard what she said that she'd done wrong too? Heh, even when both of us were at fault," Tomoki reasoned out. His father's hands balled into fists again as he narrowed his eyes and looked at his only daughter with pain.

"Dad. Sorry. It won't happen again," Tomoko said.

Her father only turned her back on her and headed back to the room he shared with their mother.

#

Soon, both brother and sister sat on the living room sofa. Their father has left soon after the confrontation, as there was a call for some business matter again. She didn't know exactly what her father worked on, she only knew it was in some manufacturing company. For the first time in weeks of silence, Tomoki talked to her. But after all that, it was more awkward now.

"You know what started this? I didn't check the door the second time we had sex, so Mom saw and slapped me and now Dad punched me in the face. It was your idea at first, right?" Tomoki said this all with no regard that their mother can hear them clearly, the door to her room was open and she was inside. There was no mistaking the spite in his voice at all of them, especially her. She didn't know what to answer. She only looked down at her own feet, and Tomoki was pressing a water bottle filled with ice to his bruised face.

"I-I'm sorry," was all she could say, still not looking at him. She had said the word sorry so many times now.

"Heh," Tomoki said, sneering.

"But I remember all you said to me, so those were lies?" she asked.

Tomoki let out a bitter, mocking laugh. "Doesn't apply at all here now, right? Maybe if this was a fantasy story it could be. People say things they don't mean all the time."

Tomoko buried her face on her knees. If there was a wall beside her, she'd bang her head and tell herself she had been stupid. You can't make someone a brother and a lover at the same time. Like trying to mix oil and water, it could just not be.

"Hey, let's not beat ourselves up over this. You don't have to feel bad. Even if it had to stop nothing can change the fact that you're my sister," he said. She nodded. Her mother can hear everything and… all that dawned as shameful to her now. She wished more than anything that she hadn't started this. Soon she could not stay there anymore, so she went to her room and didn't go out.

Tomoki stayed on the chair, turned on the TV, unsure of how to feel.

#

"Fix yourselves. It's one of your uncle's birthday tonight and we're invited," her mother said as she woke her that afternoon. She looked at the clock, it was four. She had slept the whole day.

They rode a cab in silence to a restaurant reserved just for the occasion. Their father was on the front seat, and on the back their mother was between her and her Tomoki. His face was still swollen and his father's punch still left a faint purple bruise on his cheek, and his right eye was halfway closed from it.

Once they arrived, their mother and father laughed and greeted her uncles, aunts, and cousins she didn't recognize anymore. They could really put on a show that there was nothing wrong with them now.

"Oh, Tomoki-niichan! What happened to your face?" asked Kii, who was dressed smartly in a lacy skirt, doll shoes, a baby-blue blouse. Tomoko only slipped on what she could find in her room, denim shorts, a shirt, an unwashed jacket and slippers. Tomoki just wore his usual shirt and shorts. The rest were dressed a bit more formal.

"Nothing worth to worry about. I got in a fight in school, some bastard punched me in the face over some petty thing about football," he lied, flashing a smile to show he was fine.

"And you won?"

"Yeah, I beat him back right. Got in trouble but he got more since he started it, just acted to defend myself," he lied some more, and Tomoko thought it was an unconvincing excuse. She cringed as she recalled that she's done it with Kii too, trying to lie and build a false impression. Kids were smarter than what she gave them credit for, that time Kii had more sense than her.

Kii's mother was calling her, so she said a quick goodbye before leaving them. Kii's look tells her she doubted what Tomoki was saying, but she didn't ask or intrude any further.

The four of them sat in their own table while food was served. Mother and father smiled, a picture-perfect family, a pretense. Night wore on after dinner. Tomoko brought her headphones and drowned out the world while Tomoki drifted to another table with other male cousins near his age.

Older men along with her father gathered in one table, laughing and passing around drinks. Tomoki drank along, sharing bottles and glasses along with the others. Tomoko thought of nothing, only wanting to leave as songs replayed. She pretended to be busy on her phone. Hours of boredom waiting. Other people are leaving, and she hoped her mother would stop talking to one of her aunts in the next table.

Tomoki walked to her, and kissed her lips in front of some of their drinking relatives. He tasted of alcohol. She didn't let go, she closed her eyes and savored him.

"Wow, great for two siblings to be so close," one nearly inebriated man remarked, and since most has left, no one seemed to see or care.

"Let's go," Tomoki said.

"Where?" she asked.

"I can't stand staying here. Just anywhere away from here."

They left, as everyone, even their parents, was busy talking and didn't notice them. They walked out to the city streets. Tall buildings and neon lights, cars hurtling by, and she only followed Tomoki going to nowhere. They transverse the back alleys and empty streets behind buildings, that all seemed to her a labyrinth. After a while, they reached an alley between two skyscrapers. There was a concrete bench under one lone streetlight. She sat beside him. There was indiscernible loud music playing, and cars passing by outside.

"Nee-chan, when I grow up, I want to marry you."

"Brothers and sisters can't be married," she said, and it was like they were replaying that recorded scene on video, a twisted version of children once playing on a rubber floor, Tomoki saying that he loved her so much...

"Why don't we get a room somewhere where we can be by ourselves? Like the second time, nee-chan, that was real great."

"We don't have money to afford a room even for an hour."

"Then here..." Tomoki said, smelling her by the neck, palm touching between her legs and her shorts wet with piss. "God I can feel it, you're so wet down there."

"It's piss, little brother, I think I pissed on myself."

"We can go away by ourselves. Go somewhere no one knows us."

"Tomoki, we can't. You know we can't. We don't know how to live. I'm the one older than you, and I can't even take responsibility for myself. I don't know how I'll get by without mother and father. I'm nearly a freaking NEET, if I'm like this how can I even live a life. I can't even do anything good for you."

"They only say it's wrong when they never even asked themselves why."

"Stop saying such things. You're driving me mad. I don't know what to think anymore, Tomoki. Maybe you don't mean such things. Just a month ago, you were saying to stop this, and you're bloody drunk, and you're driving me crazy saying those things. It'll be better. Stop this. Go to sleep. We can't go anywhere and I don't know what to do. Sleep and I'll stay awake and wait until you wake up sober. I can't sleep anyway, even if I'm here or at home."

Her brother leaned over the plants and vomited. Tomoko had to wipe his mouth with the sleeve of her jacket. It reminded her of a kid who didn't know how to clean up after himself – and wasn't she the one who scolded him for being a messy eater when they were kids and when she could still call herself a proper and responsible older sister? Ironic that she acted a lot more grown-up when she was younger, but turned to a self-centered but lonely and depressed brat over the years.

Tomoki sprawled on the concrete bench, lied down on his side with his head on her lap. Spit trickled from his mouth to her shorts. She was tired herself but willed herself to stay up until Tomoki wakes sober and in better senses. Home was the last place she wanted to go, and she's afraid that a worse punishment is waiting for them. Tomoki slept undisturbed even from all the blinding lights and blaring music.

A radio was singing, a male voice that sounded like it gargled all the sorrows of heartbroken lovers. You shut your mouth, how can you say? I go about things the wrong way, I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does, he sang amidst the riffs of electric guitars. Soon the lyrics were drowned out by rock and pop, creating a wall of white noise until all she heard was chaos. Everything made her head ache.

She waited and waited for nothing. Rain started pouring hard, and passers-by popped open umbrellas or ran to the shade, but her brother still slept. She tried to shake him awake. Then the water stopped pouring…

She looked up and saw her mother, holding a plastic transparent umbrella over them. Another cab was waiting to fetch them, their father watching from the front seat window.

"Let's go home," their mother said.

Tomoki raised himself up, shocked at finding himself wet. "I was dreaming of floating in the sea, and I wake up wet with rain," he said, and followed his mother and sister to the cab and it drove them home.

#

Time went by fast, and summer was over and soon it was the start of school again. After that incident where Tomoki got himself drunk and whispered obscene promises, he didn't talk to her like usual, like how he treated her the rest of summer break.

Another first day of school, her last first day in these premises. No classes yet, just orientations and class elections for the morning. Everyone emphasizing to let's make the most of our last year!

But as usual, she sat through the classroom meeting that took up the whole morning. She ate lunch in her usual corner, alone. She went back to an empty classroom that afternoon, as there was a football game outside and students were allowed to watch. She walked to the window to take a look, and there was her brother's team. She only went back to her chair and tried not to think about him.

Tomoko sits in her classroom alone, headphones blaring heavy metal to drown out the sounds of cheers and applause from the school field below. There was a soccer championship game her younger brother was in, but there was no way she could watch without being disappointed. She knows she shouldn't feel this way, she should be watching and supporting her school, and her brother playing. But it hurt, it was choking her, and she wants to run home again.

to be continued

Chapter Text

Tomoki woke up with a migraine that felt like his head was bludgeoned last night. He shut his eyes tight; grit his teeth from the pain searing inside. He can taste faint, stale vomit in his throat. He remembered vague images from the night before. There was his sister, in some family dinner, both of them going away, him talking nonsense, her answering in more nonsense, having mother and father fetch them, him ending up sleeping in a car that brought them home. He can't recall arriving here in his room. His father must have carried him to his bed while he slept, and the thought of that was embarrassing.

He had said some things he never meant to. He can recall that drinking alcohol with his cousins made his head feel light, like he was floating, and the feelings he tried to deny and kill seemed to go back again. He had dragged his sister out of that place and said things that confused her, told her he still felt the same even when he had said the cruelest things when he tried to break off this thing he had with her. She replied with confusion, but he couldn't remember what she said anymore. It all started with them sleeping together, and a defective door, and their parents' expected furious reactions.

He touched his face, the same side slapped by his mother, hit by his father. The purple bruise has turned fainter but it still hurt all the same. He bit the inside of his cheek, and it still retained dull pain. Didn't he see this coming? He should've gotten a clue from those silly stories he told her, of Oedipus cursed and blinded, incest leading to misfortune. They were far, far, from Osiris or Isis, not gods but only two little children play-acting in their own make-believe world. He somehow had the idea that they were special, exempted from taboos and unwritten rules of this world that didn't make sense to him. He had been careless.

Things he had said, things she had said, careless sweet nothings, careless kisses, played and replayed like a song stuck in his head.

Does this feel wrong? / They only said it is wrong, but what do you feel? / In fact, never in my life had anything felt this right.

These are thoughts that he can't help, rising out his mind out of his control. He can still picture it all clearly, like an image branded in the back of his eyelids, the way she said that with her voice whispering and hesitant, green eyes looking into his own with truth and sincerity, involuntary kisses that felt so crazy, that brief time she was both lover and sister.

What if they had stayed, forever children? When they were young, their mother and father wouldn't have protested against two little kids kissing, maybe they found it funny and heartwarming, a little brother proposing marriage to his sister... When he was a child, his sister's face was like the sun, and that girl is gone but he saw it was still her all along and that's why he loved her again. But he's not free to do that now, when the best choice was forget.

What if they find out, should we tell them / Then we don't make them know / Does this mean we're, ah, a couple now? / If you want to put a name on it…

Would that be easy? Could they go back to a semblance of what they were before this? He answered his own question, that no, they can't, maybe never again.

He looked at the clock, it was near 10 in the morning. He was already four hours late for football practice. He usually went to school before seven for warm-ups, and practice that can last a whole day. No one would mind, anyway. He was always early, he's never been absent except for today. He's always around, the reliable player, that it was them who suggests he needs a day off sometimes. He didn't need to invent any excuse, he'd just tell the truth that he slept too long (but not that it was because he drank too much last night).

He stayed in bed, still gritting his teeth from the worst headache since the last time he had a fever... it's been a long time since he was sick. He swore off alcohol and vowed to never drink again.

And there came again, an involuntary memory, of them both silently making love in this same bed. His head rested on the same pillow where she lay, and he can almost imagine feeling it again, the frisson of pleasure that runs through his spine at the mere touch of skin against skin. He can't comprehend why something like that, something that felt as pure as that, could be wrong simply because they came from the same mother's womb. He hit the empty side of his bed with a clenched fist as if to exorcise the memory out his mind.

Another summer break coming, and then another year in high school. He could forget it all instead, and focus on the game: running with no other thing on his mind except the goal, nothing else in his vision but white lines on a green field, no other sound except people cheering for him. He could do it, day after day, living from game after game. These days, it seems that he's trying to run so fast as if to even outrun himself and his thoughts, wishing he was nothing, just a body moving with the wind, running like a wild animal, running as fast as he can...

#

Tomoko began high school aware that it was ending. She found herself counting down the days before it would be over, just months away. Their confrontations with their parents have left their house quiet, and it seemed that it would be impossible to go back to what they were as a family before they knew about what her and her brother were doing. She still couldn't look at Tomoki without feeling overwhelming shame of herself. She looks down whenever they happen to pass by each other at home, hating herself and this thing she had started but ended with a confusing mess she didn't know how to solve yet.

(If she ever had the courage to look at his face for even a glimpse, he'd see his gaze avoid her too and the pain in his eyes was clear.)

Without her brother, she found herself alone again, and she can't even do that thing anymore, saunter in his room and annoy him or eat the food he owns. She missed that so much...

She tried to forget. Tried.

Her last year of high school looked like it would be a more miserable version of her first year.

#

A day just like everyday.

Her seat is once again in the middle of the classroom. The same faces are around her, though all of them now looked a little different, they were now older after all. She realized that other than Nemoto and Komiyama, she hardly knew the first names of most her classmates. Before and between classes, the classroom would be noisy, people drifting from their seats to form groups and talk. She was left alone, between all of them but remaining unnoticed and invisible. The combined chatter, laughter, shouts, made a chaos of sounds that made her head ache. Each time this happens, several times a day, she pretended to sleep. She crossed her arms over the table, buried her face in it, closed her eyes and waited for everyone to shut up. When all the noise stops, that's when she knows the teacher has arrived, and she'll again pretend to wake up from pretending to sleep.

All her hideouts, the corners where she could be alone to eat lunch, were occupied. She couldn't find any empty classrooms anymore. First year students were staying the corner between buildings where she used to eat. She ate in her classroom instead, silently suffering in the middle of everyone. Chairs, tables were moved to the side, only leaving her alone with her lunchbox in the middle of the room.

Like before, even if she tried to avoid it, she found herself passing by her brother's classroom in the floor below every break time. The girls' restrooms were on that floor anyway, so she told herself it wasn't intentional. She can see him, usually talking with the group of boys she always saw with him, and sometimes there are girls with them. They all sit around him, on chairs and their tables, as if he's saying some captivating story. Sometimes he notices her look at him, but he's the first who looks away and acted as if he didn't see her.

Whatever. Just passing by.

After class, there were review classes for university entrance exams, just another extra hour and a half on refreshing on basic subjects, test-taking and studying techniques. The others were dreaming of going to big, successful universities, in Tokyo, in other countries, but Tomoko knew her own brain so she'll just choose the school nearest to her house without any over-acting entrance requirements. Finally, at least high school would be over! The thought of university was freeing, their teacher had said that there would be more free time than actual classes, she can go home and sleep right away. That is, if she gets accepted in that school she had in mind just blocks from her house.

She'd block her brother out of her mind by cramming her head with information, if studying can at least make her mind occupied with other things so she can forget him.

(But sometimes, she looks at some equation, unable to solve it, trying not to think of Tomoki but unable to think of anything else. Her mind reminisces on its own, and she knows the thoughts wouldn't stop even if she damaged her head. It was a weird thing, to be in love, to have once felt the fall, how Tomoki who was usually rude and annoyed turned soft, gentle, sweet, almost how he was like when they were still pure, still children.

Or when his mood turns sour, a strange cast would take over his eyes, the way his mouth turns into a sneer. The same mouth that smirks, mocks, the same mouth she had kissed over and over again and wouldn't have minded if she can kiss some more. Even down to the pointless details, how he slightly nips at her lips and crushes her to him like he doesn't care what else the world would think, him telling her about strange gods and strange curses, him with his arms around her, and sure, she knew how to torture herself with these memories, damnit, when will the thoughts stop?

It's the first thoughts that wake her in the morning and haunts her before sleeping at night.

The memories of making love wasn't good to her anymore, only reminded her of her brother weak, hurt, on his knees from their father's punishment, her trying to intervene as if she had any power to save him.

Even if she hated herself for being at fault, she can't say that she regretted it. The only person she would ever do that with was him. The only person she'll ever feel that with was with him.

She still hasn't solved even one equation after several hours. This has happened so many times that if she won't pass any exam he was still partly to blame.)

#

After lunch, his friends gathered around him and chatted. He looked out the window and out the field. The only thing he's wasting time on now is school and practice. It was like he only went home to sleep and eat. Except for the brief glances or walking by each other by accident in school or at home, they hardly ever spoke to each other again. His mother never spoke of it again.

"Hey Tomoki, are you listening? Is there anything interesting outside that window that I haven't noticed?" asked his friend.

"Nothing. Yeah, I was listening."

"Hey, there's your stalker again..."

"Who?"

He saw Tomoko walking by outside their classroom door, looking at him. When she saw them notice her, she walked away faster. The girls' restrooms were on the end of the hallway. Maybe she was only passing by.

"That's my sister."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. You did say she was when we saw you both one time go home together. I've noticed her outside, looking at you few times. It can't be just an accident, it's really you she's looking at. But it's weird the way she looks at you."

"Just ignore her, then. I'm not really close to her. It's normal for her to look, I'm her brother after all."

"Ah. There seems to be..."

"I said there's nothing wrong with it whatever. Now, what you were saying –"

#

The same old routine repeats, recycles, and after months they rarely even met at home. Tomoko goes home late, and by the time she arrives Tomoki has eaten and they never ate at the same time now. Tomoki stayed in his room. Their house has been normal as of late. The incident was not mentioned since then, until one night her mother brought it up while she was eating dinner alone.

"Tomoko, I haven't talked to you about that thing with your brother since summer," she said, while washing their dishes and lunchboxes on the sink. Her eyes were focused on her work, and to Tomoko it was better that way. She can't ever look at her mother's face without feeling shame.

"U-uh? What about it?" she asked, and she could feel lips and hands tremble, her pulse starting to race fast. It was because her mother saw them that started all this.

"I guess I'm just going to get to the point. Your father and I were talking about it. When I first confronted your brother about that, he said you… started it. That you wanted it. Did you?" her mother asked, and this time she looked at her daughter.

"Yes." Tomoko buried her face in her hands.

"Since then, have you both done anything? Don't lie. I know if you're lying anyway."

"N-no, Mom. We haven't even talked since then, and it won't happen again, I don't want to see him hurt because it really was my idea in the first place," she said, confessed, looking down at the table and slouching.

"And I believe you. You'll both get over this and with time, it would all be normal again. I'm sure you can find a nice boy for yourself, you may not be thinking of those things now, but you don't have to rush when it comes to that. I know how kids always hurry, wanting to have their way, wanting to experience everything, only thinking of themselves… when in the end they'd regret it and wished they had listened to those wiser. Don't despair just yet, there's a lot of changes that can happen. I'm speaking from experience."

"Yes, Mom," was all she can answer, even she felt otherwise. Damn the world. There are things in the world that they can't change, rules that they thought they were exempted from. Now, all those simplistic reasoning they had felt like a child's fantasy. And she was still so, so confused, torn between loving, between following the invisible rules no one decided. But if Tomoki never felt the same way anymore, then it was simple, it was over. She's just have to accept it, forget her feelings, wish the best for him, her brother. She wished it could be easy, to just go back to how they were before this.

Her mom sat on the seat beside her, picked a piece of meat from a dish and ate it. She poked her stomach.

"What?"

"You don't happen to be pregnant or something?"

"No!" Her mother just made a sick joke.

"Then good," her mother said and sighed in relief, as if it wasn't really that much of a big deal even if what happened did disappoint her.

Does this feel wrong? / No, never in my life had anything felt so right / Then that's enough.

#

Here was another weekend where the students were forced to wear their uniforms and attend a sports game for 'support' to their school. She just woke early, went to the place, and only realized later that the game was football and there would be her brother playing. To make things worse, she found herself sitting beside Komiyama in the bleachers, who joined the rabid cheerers. She's be stuck for hours here, when even the sight of Tomoki triggers memories. She brought her headphones and tried to sleep on her knees so she'll see black in her vision instead of the green field, but with all the noise and cheers, she could only curse inside. She couldn't hide in the restroom, a lot of people were going in and out of there now. So she had to suffer, a girl pretending to sleep in the middle of a frantic crowd. She almost prayed for heat stroke again, anything that can block this out from her mind.

When will this be done? Patience, replay this whole album from start to end twice or more times, it will be over soon, just wait a little more, she told herself.

She had almost fallen asleep, but then their side exploded into loud cheering, howling and Tomoko's ears hurt. Somewhere, people were chanting something to the name Kuroki, maybe from her brother's batch. Her brother must have done something impressive again, leading their team to winning at the last minute like he always did. She can imagine him smiling, running fast across the field with his arms raised for victory.

She got up from dozing, and saw him down there, looking up at her. They were dragging another boy with an injury at the side of the field, and Tomoki was leaning against a metal pole holding the net, beneath thick shadows. There was no mistaking, it was her he was looking at. The shadows over him made him look grey-scale against the color of everything, only his eyes showing dark green. He broke the brief gaze and ran to the other side, and people cheered at the sight of him running, and Tomoko stopped looking. Other students were starting to leave. She slipped out the crowd quietly and out the sports stadium, to walk to the train station and go home…

#

After another game, he needed to breathe. Another guy had some foot injury, and he stood for a few moments down there in a corner where he won't be seen. People up there were cheering his name. After years of playing, he wasn't sure about what to feel about them. So he just grins back.

They waited. They usually still stay in the stadium even after everyone has left, helping with the cleaning. Since schools from all over were there, there were more food wrappers, tin cans, plastic cups. Tomoki sat on the bleachers, drinking a Coke Zero, waiting for his other teammates. The place was now empty and desolate, near sunset.

Two people he didn't see coming appeared beside him. There was a girl carrying a small laptop, a notepad and a pen, and a guy wearing glasses carrying a DSLR camera slung around his neck. "Hello, Tomoki-kun! Would you mind being interviewed for our feature?" the girl asked.

"Huh? Why don't you get Shizuka or the coach..."

"We're writing something about this game. You're the guy we'd like to write about, Tomoki-kun, if you don't mind. We'd also like to take a picture of you in the field," said the guy with the camera, smiling.

"Well... okay," he said. The girl asked questions while the guy put his camera on record mode, asking about his interests and all. He answered them without thinking much, just saying whatever come to his mind.

#

He walked in his classroom one day to find his picture taped in a corner of the whiteboard. The school paper featured him on the Sports section, and occupying a full page was a picture of him with a hand on his hip, looking fierce with one foot over a soccer ball with the sunset burning behind him. Maybe it was a trick of the light or of Photoshop that he looked more pleasant than haggard. Printed on the picture's sky was their questions about how to balance sports and studies, and his equally cliché answers.

"What the hell is this," he said, sure that his sister would say something stupid about it, or maybe get jealous again because this was proof that he'll be known, he's now what she wanted to be, popular. But then, they never talked since summer. He took it off the board. He was sure it was a prank by one of his friends.

#

Komiyama stamped the school's seal on the daily newspapers that just arrived in the library. Four copies each: two for the library, one each for the faculty room and principal's office. There was a bunch of the new issue of the quarterly school paper. The library was still empty for the morning, so she scanned it. The usual, it contained miscellanea about school news, honor students, contest winners, amateur poetry and stories, sports news about how their school teams did against other schools. She was sure there would be something about Tomoki's latest win.

And there it was, a good picture. She flailed inside quietly. But as she looked at it, she thought that she was still nursing this crush since middle school but she still hasn't spoken a word to him. It only made her think of that weird thing she saw, when she saw him with her own two eyes (and her glasses) that he kissed his sister. Damn that lucky bitch, she had thought of her almost-friend but she'd never even talked to her since last year. She doesn't know what's up with her or Yuu anymore, and maybe she should text her sometime to see how she's doing.

Komiyama was an only child, so maybe there was something about siblings she'd never understand. Maybe it was normal for them. But as she looked on the picture of her unrequited crush, she realized that she was idealizing a person she didn't know for a long time. She'd be in university soon and childhood crushes seemed so immature. After all this time, she doesn't feel as strongly for him as she did before. She closed the newspaper with a thin smile. Time to move on.

#

Days turned to weeks turned to months. Another day is just a copy of yesterday, as if she's only watching her life unfold. The only thing left to do was wait.

Tomoki turned seventeen. He went away with his friends to celebrate.

He's been away a lot lately, that he became just as distant as their father. They were never warned again and the incident was never mentioned, like something best forgotten.

#

Tomoko was startled from studying when her phone made a strange sound. A message – she hasn't heard that sound for long. It was Yuu. Tomoko's almost forgotten she still had another friend, when the better part of last school year she was with Tomoki. She was invited to the coffee shop where they used to meet for the afternoon.

Before she went inside, she could see Kotomi and Yuu talking with Yuu looking serious, eyes moist and seemed to be holding back tears. She went in and ordered her own expensive drink and approached them.

"Mokochi!" Yuu greeted her, smiling like she's glad to see her. She took the empty seat.

"It's been so long, Mokochi… how are you?"

"Ah, I'm okay. How about you? You look like something bad happened."

"Nothing at all. I'm just getting over a case of a bad breakup," and Yuu ranted about her boyfriend from first year, and Tomoko didn't want to listen – she surely can't tell them about her own, about her brother, and ten minutes to the conversation Tomoko was sick of it, stood up to leave.

"Sorry, Yuu-chan, but I couldn't care less."

"Mo-Mokochi?"

"I said I don't give a shit!" Tomoko said, and stepped towards the door just to get away. She left her unsipped coffee but she went back quickly to get it and get out the door fast.

Yuu could only stare at her in shock, her glossed lips open.

"Tomoko, what's wro – ," Kotomi interrupted, when clearly the other girl arrived with a case of bad mood but she only sounded like a bitch. Yuu invites her, then she just so suddenly says rude things and walks out?

"What, Komiyama? Will you defend my brother again? Choke me again? I know him better than you because I'm his goddamned sister! We freaking grew up together and what are you to him?" Tomoko walked fast to the exit, ran, away from them, to god knows where.

"What's wrong with her?!" Kotomi said, offended at that all, scowling in anger and clenching her fist. Just as she was forgetting about that, she brought it up again.

"Maybe she's just having a bad day and didn't really mean what she said. Let her be, maybe she'll be okay soon," Yuu said, looking outside the empty street where Tomoko ran, and she stayed there standing for a while before turning back to Kotomi and sitting again.

#

Tomoko ran. As soon as she went out the coffee shop, she immediately regretted her sudden outburst. It was out of place and embarrassing, and she just did something bad to Yuu-chan who was only kind and sincere, but Tomoko felt undeserving of it. She ran through the village streets, until she stopped at the same old playground. She sat on the swing and waited for her heart to calm down, waiting for night. No shadow of a brother came to fetch her, no sign of anyone to walk with her home.

#

After another day of class, she walked to her locker to get a book she had to study. She could hear some girls chatting and giggling about boys and school football stars. She walked out to the golden, after-school dusk that was always there after classes. She walked the empty halls and stairs alone, as everyone else remaining was in their school clubs. She did not go in Tomoki's club anymore. She walked slowly, taking in everything as she would soon leave this place she so dreaded. Funny when things are near over, did she realize she'd miss it. She could hear laughter and talking behind closed doors, the sound of drums and guitars far off. She walked to the school gate to leave.

She saw a soccer ball flying straight across the green field to her right. Far away was Tomoki, running, smiling, the sound of cheers. She walked fast to get out.

"Take care, Miss Kuroki," greeted a PE teacher as she walked past the gate. "Er, goodbye," she replied. She used to be so tensed over that.

She now made a habit of walking around after class, just so she can delay going home. She went back and forth the narrow streets, walking with the crowd of other students, haunting lonely, empty corners. Street cats scampering and disappearing when she passes by. Small birds on electric wires. Far overhead, other birds flying to go home. At this time of day, everyone goes home, even the birds.

She passed by the old building where she used to go with Yuu in middle school, when they played partners-in-crime out of some story they made up, wearing long black coats that fly in the wind, while she imagined herself to be a sort of badass. The memory made her cringe but she missed it, careless days before high school, when her best friend still wore her hair in braids and was as unremarkable as her. But she doesn't know how Yuu would feel about her going away that day in the coffee shop…

She walked up the fire exit stairs, recalling another thing from first year. She went up here alone for a good view of the fireworks display because Tomoki wouldn't go with her. Instead, she watched another kind of show with two horny middle school boys watching live action on the next building, a love hotel. Maybe she can get to watch some action again.

She reached the rooftop. The sun was low, almost red as bright blood, with a halo of gleaming a burning, golden orange against the sky. She only noticed the two same boys, now older like her, sitting on the same spot from two years ago. The curtain was open on the room they used to watch, but the boys weren't looking.

"That wasn't so nice, I told you we should have gone somewhere else," one of them said.

"Hi, nee-chan," said the other who looked at her. "We're… leaving." They both walked to the stairs to go down. Tomoko was left alone. She walked to where they were sitting and looked below.

On the window, she can see clearly, a pale, naked woman sitting on the bed, a white towel spread on her lap with splatters of blood. The woman's face and arms were covered in bruises, a face she can't see that clearly may have been pretty but it was beaten black and blue she can't recognize a face anymore. Did a man beat her up, have those two seen it? The thought made her sick. It wasn't exactly an arousing thing to witness. Then, as if sensing someone was watching her, the woman on the other side looked up. Their eyes met. She coughed, and wiped a stream of blood coating her mouth and chin. Tomoko couldn't move for a moment, the woman stood up, shaking from pain and weakness. She closed the curtain.

Tomoko was embarrassed for being found out. She walked fast back to the stairs to go down and go home.

She stayed at the playground in their village just to kill time, the same place where she and Tomoki looked at stars, where Tomoki fetched her so they could go home. Now, she just imagined the scene replaying, Tomoki saying, let's go home, no more detours. When it was dark enough, she would go home.

#

Time went by, going on like a grinding wheel forever turning. Soon, she found herself walking along with a crowd of graduating high school students in the premises of this university to take an entrance exam. She took a deep breath and prayed to whatever god to make her pass.

She went through the days feeling like a wind-up toy, feeling nothing. It was like she cranked an invisible knob on her back every morning, just enough energy to get through the day. She wasn't really living.

#

Soon, she was sitting in a ceremony for high school graduation. It was only like yesterday where she set foot here, trying to figure out how to live out high school. She had imagined that by graduation she could be a school star but she only stayed the same. There were speeches. There was getting her name called and walking to the stage to shake hands with the principal and a bunch of smiling teachers.

Some other students and long-time friends huddled and hugged with tears in their eyes, getting sentimental and she hated it. Get this over fast, why don't you? But she can't help but look down and try to stop her tears. She went in a nobody, she will go out a nobody. No one would miss her, she hasn't shared good memories with friends like the others. After the program, she found herself in the middle of everyone, standing alone as people around her talked and laughed among themselves. Here and there, students were smiling for pictures. Cameras flashing like temporary thunder making her see white for a half second.

She sat instead, closed her eyes, placed her hands over her ears. She thought that she must look mad. How many people knew her here? Can't they see her? She imagined, a warm hand touching her shoulder and saying, we weren't close and you didn't speak much in class but I'll miss you too, Kuroki-san! I wish we had gotten even a little closer. I wish we could be friends even after high school! Maybe we'll even get the chance to know each other better. She'd smile back, say the same. As if mere imagining it would make it come true.

But no one did. No one did.

She pressed her hands against her ears until she can't hear anything. Waited and waited.

A warm hand touched her shoulder. She opened her eyes and looked back.

It was only her mother. All around her were empty chairs. Everyone has left and she didn't notice.

"Let's go, Tomoko. We're just going to eat dinner in a restaurant to celebrate!" her mother said.

"Congratulations," her father said, but she thought, is this something to congratulate me for? Everyone graduates, what's so special about that? But she kept quiet and left the place. This would also be the last day that she would be wearing her uniform. Before she stepped out the school gate to follow her parents, she looked back at her high school for the last time and said a silent goodbye.

#

A year and its seasons have passed, and there was nothing better for her to do than spend a lazy afternoon sprawled on their living room sofa. The TV is on and there was a kid's show playing but it was dull, so she stared at the ceiling instead. White summer sunlight from the window was making her skin feel warm. There was a cold sensation on her shoulder, like someone's hands that just held ice. Two familiar arms from behind her crossed against her chest, pulling her close in a hug. She lets her head lie back, snug against who she felt was her brother.

"Hey," she says, and reached out one hand to touch him back. She opens her eyes but her hands only clutched air. There was no one. She had woken up, she had been dreaming.

She did nothing. Then she heard sound of the gate opening and closing, Tomoki was now home. He sat down outside to take off his shoes then went in.

"I'm home," greeted her brother, and they looked at each other for a moment. He went upstairs. There was only a wall separating them when they slept in their rooms, but never did she feel more far away from him than now.

to be continued

Chapter Text

Chapter 12: Dream On

AN: Again, not the ending yet. This contains a time skip, in the last parts of this chapter Tomoko is 22 years old and Tomoki, 21. Also this is the longest chapter with around 8k words. Enjoy & I appreciate those who continue to read on this story! Edit (Sept.22): Thanks to pastpermanentia for pointing out some wordings that could be done better!

Tomoko sits in her classroom alone. There is no music from her blue headphones but she wears them anyway, in case she finds herself in need to dissuade anyone from trying to talk to her. She is here before class as she had nothing else to do and nowhere else to go. She had a one-hour break between the three subjects scheduled for Tuesdays and Thursdays, and most of the classrooms were empty anyway so she stays there instead.

A situation similar to high school. Three months into this small college: she still didn't have anyone to call a friend. It was more bearable, though, it was easy to blend in and be a stranger. She was used to it now. There were more students in her classes than her high school classroom, and she had different classmates for each class.

It was better now, maybe because she spent more time at home than in school. She had more time at home to study, then sleep or entertain herself alone for the whole day. The house was empty save for her and her mother, no one to accompany her but a comfortable loneliness she had learned to live with, and the silence of her brother's empty room just next to hers.

The first month has been orientations everywhere, recruiters for college organizations doing their sales talk to the freshmen for them to join their groups. None of them approached or asked her, and she realized she didn't care either. Trying to join them would only cause stress again.

For this first term, she was taking general subjects for a course in the liberal arts, leaning to literature (not something she was interested in, but there was nothing else to take). She decided that before launching herself in real life, she had to rest from the four years of stress she had in high school. She took a break from thinking about her social life and instead enjoyed the freedom of having more time to herself. High school forced her to endure a hellhole for eight hours a day, now, 21 units and 7 subjects meant less time in school. She might have liked high school more if it was scheduled this way.

Three silent months passed, and soon the whole thing with her brother around a year ago was just that, a memory that never tired of replaying. But now, they were less intense... maybe time can make her forget, help her get over and move on. But every time she sees him at home, when they pass by each other in the hallway outside their rooms, there was a dread at the bottom of her heart. She can look at him now, but she still can't talk to him and the shame was still there. Like her father, he spent more time outside the house. Tomoki was going home later than usual, for practice and reviews for entrance exams, and he would be in university next year, too.

Sometimes her mind imagines on its own without her meaning to. She wondered how it would be like to touch him again, as freely as before. It had been so long ago, so brief a time, that Tomoko sometimes wonders if she dreamed up the whole thing, that maybe in her own loneliness she had become insane and made up false memories of them both. A comforting thought, but it was real, and until now she was living with its consequences.

#

She still had her habit from high school of walking and wandering to nowhere after classes. One afternoon, she went to the same WcDonald's branch near her high school out of nostalgia. She can order now without stuttering, she can go out of the place without having to disguise herself.

She sat down alone a small table for two by the entrance, with her order of burger, fries, and Coke. She wore her old cap from middle school, and she pulled it down her face to hide her eyes and to hide from anyone who might recognize her. She takes out her notes and tried to study, but she can't focus with all the noise around. She still looked down and pretended to read a book while eating the fries. The people from the next table were noisy, it was irritating. She looked back at them and saw some of her former high school classmates sitting around a row of tables, all who look overjoyed at their reunion.

Idiots. Three months out of high school and acting as if they haven't seen each other for years.

As she pretended to study, she listened. She heard them talk about their new friends, professors, gossip about what happened to who's who from high school.

"Isn't that Kuroki...?"

Tomoko heard her name, and her eyes widened for a moment, and she tried to think of the next move. Maybe she could look back, smile, wave at them. Maybe they'd invite her to their table and they would all talk like old friends. She took a deep breath, smiled to ease her nervousness, and looked back.

They weren't looking at her but to someone else going in. They didn't notice her smile at them at all, and Tomoko was half-embarrassed and half-grateful at that. Tomoko turned to look at who they were looking at.

Her brother was there, with a girl. She watched them fall in line to order.

She could hear her ex-classmates resume their talking and pretended they were not watching her brother. She continued pretending to study while her heart lurched inside. She was sure her brother didn't see her. Tomoko hated to admit to herself that it was jealousy inside, and she hated more that she felt it because it was evidence of her own feelings for her brother that she realized still remain.

She imagined herself turn transparent, pretending not to see them when she's trying to observe them through her peripheral vision. The girl was pretty. Maybe it was nothing, maybe they were only friends, and he had lots of friends anyway. Tomoki ordered and paid, then they went upstairs.

Then, instead of calming down, Tomoko found the feeling of envy getting stronger. She forgot to eat her meal, her lips shaking, her hands shaking, her teeth set in an involuntary hiss. When she realized her physical reactions, she stopped them and breathed. She wasn't only jealous because of her feelings for him, but what she just felt was the same old jealousy that he had other people while she had none. She still didn't have the courage to apologize to Yuu after last school year's incident, she still had no one to talk to at the college, while he... can walk in casually in a fast-food chain with someone of the opposite sex and Tomoko hadn't. She had before, but also with him, but then he was her brother and there was no accomplishment in that, he was just her sibling anyway.

And then it dawned on her again that he was the one, of all the people in the world, who knew her better than anyone else. They've shared a secret, bared vulnerabilities and desires, once fooled themselves they were in love, but Tomoko can't allow herself to feel such things anymore, they only make her hurt.

Another group of students went in, wearing the uniform of her high school. She recognized them as Tomoki's classmates.

"Hey, look for Tomoki and her," said one to another, who scanned the entire first floor, didn't find them, then he went upstairs. Tomoko sighed in relief. It wasn't a date, just a normal outing of a group of high school friends.

However, her vision blurred from sudden tears welling in her eyes, at the thought of all her wasted years, wasted youth, and while everyone had the time of their lives, she hadn't even had the luxury of experiencing that kind of easy-going, simple friendships other people shared, that was so difficult for her before and until now. She hadn't helped herself, she hadn't changed. She only ever went out and had friends in her fantasies.

Get over it. You can't spend your whole life moping after high school, she scolded herself inside as she pretended to wipe the sweat on her forehead with a handkerchief, when it was really to wipe away the tears.

She finished eating and went out. Her hands were about to let go of the glass door and let it close, when she felt it being pulled from the inside behind her as another person was going out.

"If you won't go anywhere else, we can go home," said Tomoki's voice behind her. She froze on the spot. After months of not talking even at home, Tomoki spoke to her. He walked a few steps ahead. Tomoko still didn't move.

"You're not going?" he asked, and looked back.

"I am." She walked behind him, all the way to the train station. The sound of his footsteps and the silence soon calmed her from the unexpected bout of sadness she had earlier. They sat beside each other in the train. She stared at the window and at everything blurring past, while he was using his phone all the way. They walked again to their house.

"We're home," Tomoki said as they went in. Their mother was in the kitchen, and Tomoko saw her surprised when she saw them going home together.

She figured that even after all those things, he was still her brother, and they still have the same home. At the end of the day, they would still go home to the same place, answer to the same mother and father. What had happened between them didn't change that. They can't stay long pretending the other doesn't exist. Even if it would be long before everything could go back to normal (if they ever will), at least things would be a bit better.

#

That whole night, Tomoko was restless and she didn't know why. She had the idea of going to her brother's room and talk to him. She wasn't sure what she hoped to gain from it, and she didn't know what to talk about anyway. The door was open, so she went in. He was lying in bed with a book in hand. He only narrowed his eyes at her and continued reading. She sat on the floor, and he still didn't say anything.

"It's been so long since I went here," she said.

"So?"

"You won't ask me about college? It's cool, you know, it's better than high school, I think. I still don't talk to anyone but soon... I know I'll be getting all the perks! I'd party, get laid, have more fun..." Tomoko stopped and began to feel awkward at all the things she just said. After a long time of silence, the first thing she said to him was so stupid.

"As if," Tomoki said. "You know what you should do? It's better to study your ass off, Dad doesn't pay your tuition just so you can do pointless things. Which you only boast about but you won't do anyway."

"I won't let what you say affect me. I'm leading a new life. Without you."

"Why are you even here?"

"Because I want to."

"Get out if it's not important," he said, and it's as if it was this easy, like this was all it took and they were back to the way they were before.

"Tomoki, I think it's time for me to ask you to explain what that was last summer."

"Haven't I said all I had to say? You ruined me for sex."

"Wh-What do you mean?!" she asked, bewildered. She didn't expect Tomoki to just say that, but he always had a blunt mouth. He was leaning on his bed and looking over at her, and he looked like he was seducing her. Or maybe it was her dirty mind again, from remembering that it had all started in his bed. Tomoko tried to suppress an unexpected feeling of excitement at remembering: being blindfolded and ending up sleeping together here, and the last and second time they did... something. But soon after she remembered that, there came again the worst of the memories of all that happened after. He glared at her.

"Because of what Mom and Dad said and did, I can't think about it without cringing. I mean, it was stupid, everything. And it was your idea in the first place and they almost wanted to kill me then."

She didn't know what to answer. She sat still. After a few moments of silence, she spoke.

"But you know what's even more stupid? You. You telling me that it wasn't wrong then, and when they found out you kept on talking as if it's was all my fault," she said.

"It's over, okay? It was good in theory, but as we'd seen, a fantasy that's better not done," he said. He remembered that first confrontation with his mother, that he said it was both of them at fault. But he didn't want to defend or justify themselves anymore, he was done with that, and thinking of what his mother and father did only made him angry at himself.

Tomoko looked down on the floor. "I had really believed you that time," she said, almost whispering.

"Do you want to start a fight? Stop digging up the past. We can't move on if you keep on bringing it up. Please, just get out, I don't want to think about it and Mom might get suspicious that you're in my room again."

"I told Mom... that I won't. Yes! I'm looking forward to the future! My ideal guy is just out there," said Tomoko, and Tomoki rolled his eyes. His sister hasn't changed, she still had a knack of turning serious conversations to stupid things, and what she said made him disgusted at himself, remembering all that he said to her and that whole farce of a 'relationship'. It was easy to keep this act of hating, for her to act stupid, because he can't take anything close to sincere. It was like they were only pretending.

"And I'm going to have better sex than with you," she said, and Tomoki lost it. He threw the book to her face and she dodged it and ran out the door and back to her room. Tomoki went after her to close and lock his door. Tomoki was left confused. They just talked again, after a long time of not even acknowledging each other's existence.

In her bed, before she slept, Tomoko imagined an alternate reality. What if, their mother didn't find out? If it had been any other way, another situation, would they have accepted it? She let her mind wander and dream. They'd be different. Maybe they would have something deeper, but she shut out the fantasies – she didn't want to give herself the bitter hope anymore. If she starts to imagine a scene, later she will have a whole story line going on in her head, but then in imagining the good things that don't happen in her life, her own loneliness became only more acute. If she lets herself fantasize, she only ends up sad that she knows it's all impossible.

#

One night, at dinner, Tomoki gave a letter he received to his mother. It was stating his acceptance to a national university in Saitama, the same area of the school he had wanted to attend for high school. It was far, but the varsity scholarship would pay for everything.

"It's great that you got this, Tomoki. You better not pass it up," their mother said.

"I won't and I've decided I'll go there. My other friends applied but only me and Suzuki got in there."

"Your same classmate from middle school?"

"Yeah, the same guy in the team with me now."

"Ah, at least you have someone you know there."

"But it's so far, though. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to go home. I need to keep up the maintaining grade and all the games and all the practice would be more demanding."

"I know you can do it! Your father will be glad to hear about this."

#

It was easy to fall into routine again, and it didn't take long for her to adjust to university. There were a few people she could talk to, casual acquaintances in classes - a girl from Intro to Philosophy named Sakura, or another quiet, foreign girl with glasses in Natural Science named Linea. They weren't her friends, just people to talk to, eat with, and chat with about classes. She knew that most likely, she wouldn't even meet or interact with them after this term is done, unless they would also be her classmates for her subjects next semester. Before she knew it, it was near summer break again, and Tomoki graduated high school. She had exams that day, she didn't attend.

Tomoko didn't know her brother was going away until the day before he was leaving. She went home one afternoon and her mother said that tomorrow, Tomoki would leave for another university in a far city.

"Tomoki will leave tomorrow at 5 in the morning to go there early."

"Summer break is just starting, why'd he have to leave so soon?"

"He's required to."

#

Tomoko couldn't sleep that night. She usually slept late, but the thought of Tomoki leaving without any sort of resolution between them disturbed her. Her brother would be gone for a year, or maybe more than that. Should she talk to him? How? About what? For a better conclusion? For closure?

She couldn't will herself to sleep, so she waited until morning, until she heard Tomoki in his room, maybe fixing things to bring. In the early morning silence, she could hear her mother cooking downstairs. Tomoko got up and went out her room, and the door to Tomoki's room was open and the light was on. She stood on the space between their doors, careful to stay in the dark and wait. She only wants to see him before he leaves.

At last, he got out and paused at his door to lock it. As he was about to turn and walk down the stairs, he stopped when he sensed Tomoko standing beside him. But he didn't look at her.

"So you're really going?" Tomoko asked.

"Yeah."

"You don't have anything to say or something?"

Tomoki closed his eyes, in resignation. Then he looked at her. There was an odd look on his face that she only remembered from the time they had been more than siblings, and it almost made her heart break. She realized that she was still in love with him. She will always be, and she couldn't do anything to change that. It was as natural as the fact that he was her brother.

His face was close to hers, and she almost wanted to lean close. Instead, Tomoki's hand gripped her head, fingers digging to her temples, what he always did when she used to annoy him before.

"Stop, that hurts!" she said, and then she felt his arm encircle her shoulders and pull her close to him. Tomoki got his hand off her face. Her arms found their way around his waist, she pressed her face against his chest, and just as she was returning the reluctant hug, Tomoki let go and walked away... leaving her alone and confused in the dark.

"Goodbye, neechan," he said, and Tomoko watched as he walked down the stairs until he was gone.

#

Tomoki arrived in the university dorm near lunch time that morning. The room was small, just a bed, a desk, a bathroom with a shower and toilet, but it was enough for him. Classes were starting weeks away and Suzuki had texted that he'll arrive tomorrow. He unpacked his things, arranged the room, and lay down on the bed.

A new life is starting. He misses his room. He recalled the parting with his sister that morning.

"What made you do that?" he asked himself.

"I don't know. It didn't mean anything," he answered his own question and went to sleep. He'd wake up later, to go around the campus and see the place for himself. He knew that the games and the subjects would be more difficult at this level, and he didn't know if he could go home anytime he wanted even if there were breaks.

(Three years later)

Tomoko's group mates for some finals project have left, and she ordered another cup of coffee to stay in the cafe a little longer. At home, it would all be the same boredom. Her brother left three years ago and never came back. She had not talked to him since then. She sees his face on the internet or television sometimes, when there is coverage on those university football games. He's semi-famous now, but Tomoko doesn't read or watch anything where he appears.

She was alone in the place where people can lounge on the floor covered in thick carpets, sitting among silk pillows and low wooden tables. She looked around and saw a couple in one corner kissing, not seeming to get enough of each other, who looked like they were devouring each other's mouths. They were on the table right beside her, and there was no other empty table to transfer to, the place was crowded. She wished she had walked out with her classmates instead of suffering beside this irritating display. No one seemed to care. Or maybe everyone noticed but chose not to care. She tried to ignore them and sip her own coffee. But after ten minutes she couldn't taste it anymore, disgusted at them so she decided to get out, still thinking, why do people have to do that in public?

But when she got home, she ended up sad on her own bed, imagining imaginary lovers. She was alone, with no one to hold unlike the couple in the coffee shop. Every night the same despair and fever visits her, clutching at nothing, touching and hurting herself but never finding satiation. Desiring and at the same time wanting to get rid of the desire, never getting any.

Then she remembers something she almost had forgotten: her brother, when they were both ignorant teenagers who thought they were in love, but that was so long ago and childish to her now. But didn't she truly feel it, then?

That was far away now. She's already forgotten by Tomoki. That caused trouble with her parents then, but even her mom has forgotten about it. She's replaying memories from four years ago. There were too many realizations, after the years she learned there was so much more to worry about the world than her self-centered worries in high school. Loneliness, wanting approval, was typical at that age and she learned that the thing about feeling alone is you think you're special, the only one feeling it. It made sense to feel that in high school, but it's just stupid to still feel the same things past twenty.

She's older, wearier now. She must do something to change, once and for all. (She had told herself that so many times now).

#

After realizing still, that she has not gotten over her brother, it's time that she do something about it. She read internet articles, on how to socialize, how to date guys, but she could not make herself do what they suggested. She browsed her mother's issues of Cosmopolitan for sex advice but she only wanted to tear up the magazine. And she did tear the magazine out of despair. In school, she ended up on the self-help shelves in the library looking for books on how to become more appealing, how to be approved, how to win at life. Surely now, armed with information, nothing can stop her.

After scanning them, she realized she wasn't the target audience. How can she apply the suggestion to 'try dating many types of guys to explore' when she still didn't even know boys outside her classes, and she didn't even talk to them except for class requirements? She wondered if there was a book here called Social Skills for the Utterly Hopeless, maybe if she read that then she can start with applying the advice in the books in front of her.

It was all so complicated, relationships. Dating was a concept as incomprehensible as calculus. It was so hard to think of, trying to decide who you want, choosing from who wants you, well no one wanted her anyway. There would be wrong choices, rejections, finding the right person... it made her mind want to explode. Her mother had said she'd find a nice boy, but where was he? 'Date many guys'? Huh, really? Her fists crumpled the book's pages, and in anger she tore it apart.

A work student called out, "That's library property, miss! Release your anger elsewhere!"

"Komiyama!?" Tomoko exclaimed. She had been in the same school with her for three years and hadn't noticed?

"You!?" Kotomi said, just as surprised as her. "Haven't you read the rules? You have to replace that or pay," she said and pointed to the shredded pieces of paper from the book Tomoko had torn in her frenzy of anger and despair.

"I'm sorry. So, how much do I have to pay?"

"I'll still check, depends on how much you've damaged," Komiyama said, collecting the torn pages and checking how many pages were gone. It didn't look like a book anymore.

"How's Yuu?" Tomoko asked.

"Honestly, we haven't even met since high school. Though I've heard she's in a women's college near the city. She hasn't texted you?"

"I had changed my number. And I haven't talked to her too," she said, recalling that the last time she talked to her was also years ago.

"How's your brother? Seems that he's famous now, I can see him in live telecasts of the university games."

"Him? Why, after all these years, you're still into him? Since starting university, he's been so busy that he hadn't come back home even during breaks."

"No. I'm just curious." Kotomi paused and added, "I have a boyfriend now."

"What!? You're lying!" To Tomoko, how can this girl bag a guy while she's still trying to learn how?

"Hm. Think what you want."

"Well, I'm not a virgin anymore!" she answered, and Kotomi's eyes widened in shock while some students on the tables around them looked at them funny, some laughed. Tomoko turned red and wished to disappear, she had almost screamed what she just said and it must have been heard all over the library. Kotomi also turned red from embarrassment for Tomoko.

"Let's go over the desk, I'll check how much this costs," Kotomi said, and they walked away. Kotomi typed something on the computer and wrote down the price on a receipt and showed it to Tomoko.

"That much? I don't have enough money to pay."

"Then pay tomorrow or some other time." Kotomi glanced at the clock. "It's time to go home. Do you still have class?"

"No. I actually just went here to the library for research."

"Researching... on how to date guys?" Kotomi asked. Tomoko, for the second time that day, wished to turn to a grasshopper for today's top embarrassing moments. They left the library and went to the train station to share a ride home together.

"I don't even talk to anyone from high school anymore," Komiyama said.

"Me neither."

"Really, Tomoko? What was that about not being a virgin anymore in the library? Can't you think of something else? Did you need to one-up me that much?"

Tomoko fell silent.

"Don't be offended, I can't imagine you losing your virginity. And with who? Your brother?" Komiyama joked and laughed.

"Who else?" Tomoko asked. No one knew about that except Tomoki and her parents.

"Don't tell me..." From the look on Tomoko's face, Kotomi knew better not to ask anymore. She recalled that kiss she saw before, so long ago. They spent the rest of the ride not talking.

#

Tomoki spent his summer break on sports practice, and he always had wanted to go home, but after three years it has always been delayed. He's now used to living on his own, and his life before seems so far away now. His mother and father only talked to him on the phone, and he hasn't heard from his sister at all, except for the few times when he calls their landline at home and she answers but he's never talked to her and he only asks for their mother.

He only calls to talk to his mother about games, his grades, exams, but Tomoki could get by. They didn't need to send him anything, the scholarship pays for all his needs. Nothing much has changed with him. He's dated two other girls introduced to him by friends, but he's always the first to break them off. He's decided things like that weren't for him, he just did them because that's what everyone else was doing.

Tomoki received a text message that weekend from high school classmates, inviting him to a reunion in a nearby bar. He went with Suzuki, who had a motorcycle. The guys have changed. Tomoki was still, more or less the same.

"What age did you have your first time?" someone asked after bottles have been drunk and there was nothing else to talk about. One person answered, then the next.

"Seventeen."

"Nineteen."

"Sixteen," Tomoki said without thinking when it was his turn, and everyone looked at him in silence and shock, then laughed in exaggerated hysterics.

"Heh, I guessed it. You were getting laid since second year? We always figured you to be the discreet, silent type who was actually screwing all the girls."

"Huh? Well, that impression is totally wrong."

"So with who? Your sister?" said Suzuki, his friend and teammate, and only when he mentioned sister did Tomoki remember... that he actually had lost his virginity to his older sister. He has not even thought about that or about her for some time, being busy with studying and playing. The other guys continued laughing over their drinks. Tomoki didn't drink, he only ordered a Coke and ate the fish and chips.

"How'd you guess?" Tomoki asked, and he didn't hide his shock. How did this guy ever guess? His friends only laughed harder. Then Tomoki realized that they were laughing because they thought he was joking. Maybe his expression, usually scowling and serious, looked funny when it suddenly turned to feigned innocence and surprise. But he meant his answer to the question. Tomoki let them, and he laughed himself along with the joke. If they knew it was true, maybe they wouldn't find it that funny anymore. It wasn't funny to him either.

"I mean, man, we always noticed your tiny sister sneaking in class sometimes just to see you - so caring, isn't she? So, by the way, how are you with Ren?"

"She's a nice girl, but I just can't stay with her."

"She really liked you! And I heard you had another girlfriend after her?"

"Ah, Mei? She wasn't my girlfriend. We just hung out for a while. Sorry, I don't want to be together with anyone, you even bothered introducing them."

"What? Tomoki, you don't know how lucky you are, I can't figure out what's in you that makes the girls like you."

"They don't like me. They only like an idea of me, and when they know I'm not that, they stop liking me. I don't know where the hell they get that impression - well, they find out I'm pretty dull and I actually have a rather shitty personality. Maybe there are people not fit for those kinds of relationships and maybe I'm one of them."

"Well, that's weird to hear but I guess it's your choice."

#

Mindlessly browsing a social networking site at 1:28 AM, Tomoko searched for the name of her brother. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw his name and his profile picture, him smiling between two other teammates, all of them in their football uniforms. A button on the right invited her to "add him as a friend" in one click. But would Tomoki accept the request? She guessed maybe not. She clicked to his profile, it was locked to friends only.

The cursor hovered over: Add Friend. Follow. Send Private Message. She clicked that and a new window popped up, a blank form appeared. A cursor line blinked at her. She was about to close it and just continue studying, but there was something she wanted to say to him, all the things she had thought of and felt the past days without him.

She started to type without thinking. After a tentative first paragraph, she felt that she had a very long thing to say, so she let go, let the feelings that have been there for a long time put them into words. She didn't think of her misspellings and wrong grammar, just got it down as fast as she can and wrote under waves of emotion and let her heart guide her hand, trusting that they know better than if she consciously thought of every word.

Tomoki, I hope you wouldn't think it weird that I'm sending this message to you. It's been a long time and there are things I don't know how to express and maybe this message will be a mess and you can ignore it. But I keep on remembering high school and you might think I'm a creep for talking to you like this and you might not even remember it, but these days my mind keeps drifting to it. I know it is childish to think of. But I've been sad and lonely lately, still unpopular, I never changed much really. Even if people and mother keep saying that 'I'll find the right person' and countless advice I don't want to hear, I realized that I don't even want that 'anyone else' that they talk about.

They don't make me feel anything. It seems that I am just drifting through life not happy or not sad either. Sometimes I walk across a bridge and think, what if I just jump into it? No one will care. But I know I'm rambling because I haven't even talked to you properly for a long time and even all that before.

I keep on remembering you and all those things you told me before. It might be foolish to you now but maybe I'm thinking that our young selves know something that we've lost now. I keep on meandering my words, I know. But when you said there was nothing wrong with it, that it felt right so even if people say it's wrong then so what? We have a right to choose how to live our lives. We can have our own rules and we don't need to ask others if it is right or wrong. We don't have to be like everyone, no one has to know what we do or what we don't do. Everything you said was right, and it wasn't childish or naive.

I hope if we had been stronger, if we had more time before Mom and Dad found out... maybe we can fight for it? That time, it was both our choice, right? Isn't that enough for it to be okay? But maybe I'm still dreaming, and I can guess what you're thinking, that I'm still living in a fantasy and you'd advice me to get over it. I keep on thinking about that because the last time I felt genuinely happy was during those times. Like I said before (you've probably forgotten this now) I admit I still feel that way and would be happy if you feel the same too. But mom and dad's reactions were still stronger than that fantasy we built for ourselves.

I feel that things and life would be easier if we were together. I imagine that everything would be alright, would not be so difficult if you're with me.

But if you don't agree or still think this is stupid, I'm not forcing you. Cliché as it may sound, I'll go with your choice, even if that choice excludes me. I wish the best for you since you are my brother but I just want to let you know that I still

love you and I miss you so much - but Tomoko didn't type it, just hit send. It wouldn't accomplish anything. She was entertaining a childish fantasy that will never happen again.

After closing the browser, she immediately regretted sending the message. She hoped that there would be a glitch that would prevent it from sending.

#

In summer breaks, he and Suzuki always drove through the coastal roads, with him on the back of his friend's motorcycle. He liked the white sunshine on hot summer days, with the wind whipping through their jackets and the air salty from seawater. They stopped in beaches and did nothing, just watched the water and the people, ate seafood in the many restaurants near the shore. He liked the zen-like calm that comes when he sat by a rock on the shoreline and watched the sea. They always stopped at somewhere to either watch the sunrise or sunset over the ocean.

After the reunion ended past midnight, they both decided to take a side trip again. The sea was a different beauty when it was the sky was darkest, when the stars were brighter than ever. They stopped by an empty beach, sat on stray driftwood, and watched the lights of the boats and ships in the far sea. After that, they left and stopped again in a convenience store, he bought bottled water and mint gum, and his friend got a pack of cigarettes. They sat on the sidewalk near their parked motorcycle and beneath a street light.

"You know what. When you said I had my first time with my sister... where did you get that idea?" Tomoki asked.

"I was only joking, of course," his friend said, lighting a cigarette and taking a long drag on it. Curlicues of smoke hovered and disappeared above them.

"I haven't told this to anyone. It wasn't a joke."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Tomoki said, and shrugged, hoping his friend would get it.

"Don't tell me that you really did! Tomoki, just... what? I mean man, I must be your true friend for you to just confess that? Fuck!"

"So, is that disgusting to you?"

"Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that, it's just... you seem to be telling the truth, Tomoki. But I don't know anyone just casually saying that! How come?"

"It was in high school. Both of us were curious, but at one time we were really fooling ourselves thinking we were... in love. Then, it ended, like, can you imagine what my parents did? Almost disowned us, so it was over."

"That's insane," his friend said.

"It wasn't. At that time it was so... natural," Tomoki said. "I know this sounds weird but I've told this to no one ever. Except you. No one knows this happened except my family. I haven't gone home since I started college. I wasn't okay with my sister after that."

His friend was silent.

"I've just been thinking about this. I look at you guys, going out with girls and breaking up, but I'm not entirely sure of what I feel with my sister, if I should just stop all this. I think it was my fault that time, because I really had been telling her something so cliché like, 'It isn't wrong because it feels right'. But then, it ended up in a mess. My mom slapped me. Dad hit me."

His friend still didn't answer and just let him talk.

"And I still think about it and I am still confused. Maybe it's best to just forget it and move on, right? But it's something that when I think about, it is like a dead end."

"Are you still in love with her, then? I don't know the whole story and I don't know much about morality or whatever, but I feel... honestly bad for you. It's sad that of all people, it was your sister. If it was another girl it wouldn't be that bad."

"That's what I mean. But, I wouldn't feel that way if she wasn't my sister. I had felt those precisely because she was my sister. And she felt the same way. Tell me, what do you think of me now that I've said that?"

"Wait. I'm still kind of shocked, that's all, I've never heard of anything like this before. The first thing I thought of is it's wrong and you should stop it, but... I haven't really taken the time to think of these things."

"Yeah. And this is what I had said to her: people only say its wrong but then, didn't really ask themselves why. But that didn't save us."

"I don't really know how to help you, Tomoki. I just think it's sad that even if your intentions were good it still won't be okay in everyone else's eyes. If I were you, I won't know what to do, too."

Something calmed in Tomoki's heart. Telling all that to his friend has lifted a burden in inside him that he didn't realize was weighing on him for years. Now, sitting on the sidewalk near a convenience store at 3 A.M., was the last place in his mind that he'd talk about this. He again remembered the worst of those times, when both his mother and father hit him for his silly, childish reasoning. Looking back, it was his fault, in a way. He started it and ended it. Until now, he realized it still wasn't over, and even if she was the most annoying human in the world to him, he missed her, too.

He hasn't talked to his sister since starting college, and he had not come back home for years. He only heard her voice when she answered the phone, and she must have changed now. He preferred to remember her as this scrawny, kind of psychotic, good-for-nothing sister who always barges in from the next room, who had cried and wailed on his bed out of jealousy because of girls visiting him while he was sick.

And the things after that... the time they were more than siblings. It only lasted for mere weeks, a month more or less, but it seemed like a tiny eternity, they were like two figures inside a glass globe unaware of consequences. Flashes, incomplete shards of memories like sunlight on broken mirrors, came back again, of the two of them: looking at stars, secret kisses, just like all their games in childhood when they were inseparable.

The stars are bright, endless. They sat in silence as Suzuki finished his cigarette, and lighted another one.

He checked his phone. They would be back to the campus again come sunrise. The store's WiFi was on, so he browsed his phone out of habit, checked e-mail, the news, and logged in Facebook. It has been a long time since he got in the site, there were a hundred notifications and messages. He checked the notifications, all for pictures of him in games, asking if he'd like to be tagged. He glanced at the messages, excerpts asking how he was doing, and more of the expected Congratulations for all the games they've won.

The latest message was from someone he didn't recognize, the picture was a purple-haired girl from some anime he didn't know about and the name was probably from an anime character too. He read the message.

Tomoki, I hope you wouldn't think it weird that I'm sending this message to you. It's been a long time and there are things I don't know how to express and maybe this message will be a mess and you can ignore it.

So he ignored it. After reading the first two sentences, he replied:

Who is this?

He checked the other messages: all generic congratulations for them winning. He typed, Sorry for this late reply but we appreciate it, so thanks! and he copied and pasted it to the replies for the rest of the messages. When it got boring, he logged out and put his phone back to his pocket.

"Let's go?"

"Yeah."

#

Tomoko stayed up until morning, her mind still agitated about the message she sent. She logged in and out of Facebook so many times until she was sick but then she still did it some more, and hours later a red notification appeared, one message received. Her heart raced and she clicked it.

The reply, in one question, said, Who is this?

The three words echoed in her mind, ominous. Of course, she was an idiot, she wasn't even using her real name in this account. Hopeless, she turned off her computer and screamed into her pillow. She was still clinging on that hope even if, probably, Tomoki never thought about it anymore. After years, she still hasn't gotten over it yet when Tomoki had moved on.

And she must also move on. Even if it is hard, she must. She can't be like this her whole life.

#

The streets were empty as the motorcycle glided through the empty stretch of road, stretching in front of them like a black ribbon that led to the very stars. They were going a hundred fifty kilometres an hour, and Tomoki kept on thinking of his sister and those days. Then, his mind drifted to that message he didn't finish reading – then there was a strong gut feeling, who else would that be? Could it be... her?

So he took out his phone again and read it. Cold wind whipped past his face, and beyond the motorcyle's single headlight, everything was so dark.

"Hey, can you slow down a little? I have a message to read," he said, and the driver complied.

He read it all. It was none other than her. He swallowed and he didn't know what to think.

"We're near school," the driver said, and they travelled faster again. They were alone on the road and the sound of the motorcycle drowned everything else as it screeched fast across the street.

Out of nowhere, there was the sound of sirens blaring and a large ten-wheeler going too fast appeared out of the shadows.

"STOP!" Tomoki screamed, but before they could halt the other vehicle's metal slammed into the motorcycle, crumpling it in a second. Tomoki was thrown with a force to the concrete roadside. He heard the snap of bone, and there was blood over his eyes and over his open mouth. The last thing he saw was the bright broken screen of his phone still showing his sister's message, meters away from his hands.

Then nothing.

to be continued

Chapter Text

I wake, and find that I am lying on grass. I know that I'm sleeping and dreaming. I see sky above me, and I raised both my hands to my face and see that they are my younger, ten-year-old hands. In a dream, I am like watching the scene but at the same time being myself. There's a soccer ball beside me. The neighborhood kids I played with have left ahead of me. I see my sister coming to fetch me, and she's walking from the road to go here. This was when we were best friends, before we changed. I hid the soccer ball inside my shirt. My sister sat beside me on the grass. We watched the red dragonflies flying overhead, and the changing color of the sky as the sun set. She said that I looked pregnant with the ball on my stomach. I touched the bump and made a joke that it was "our baby" and she laughed.

I remember light. I remember the street. I remember hitting the ground, and everything blacked out. Now here I am in this dream, with my sister. I wake, again. Perhaps I'm in a dream within a dream and maybe I'll be waking to another.

#

Tomoki woke, and saw that he was in a wide hospital room with rows of empty beds, and he found he was lying on one. He sighed, relieved that he was still alive after all. He saw Suzuki on the next bed, asleep, both his legs in casts. Tomoki's own right arm was wrapped, heavy and numb. He touched his own face with his free left hand and thick gauze covered the left side of his head. He can recall that after they were hit, he fell, and he had used his right arm to shield himself. He looked to his left, and saw his mother sitting on a chair beside the bed. Her face was now older, with fine lines on the sides of her mouth and her eyes. When she saw him awake, she held him close. He let her.

"I'm glad you're okay," she said. He tried to hug her back but the arm made it difficult.

"I can't feel my hand. What happened?" he asked.

"It's broken, but it's only a fracture. It hit the ground first when you fell from the impact. The wound on your forehead wasn't deep enough to break your skull, thank god," she said and smiled.

"How did we get here? Is he alright?"

"That truck carrying gravel malfunctioned and couldn't stop, the driver's caught and is being investigated. Some people who heard it brought you here both. They called your school, and the school called me just this morning. Your friend's fine, but they say he's in a worse condition than you... his legs are broken. Where have you been last night before it happened?"

"He was the one driving. We went to this small high school reunion nearby. How long will it be until I can use my hand again?" He looked at the sling on his broken arm. Accidents, common, but he never imagined it happening to him. His heart sank at the thought that he won't be able to use his right hand again.

"I can't say exactly when, but they said it would take six to eight weeks. You'll recover."

"But what if it gets too long?"

"Don't be so hopeless. If it gets too long, then you have to go home. You've been away for so long anyway. Why not stay at home and rest for this time? You need a break from all those games that kept you so busy you didn't have time to go back."

"Home," Tomoki said, and that made him think of Tomoko and the message he read before the crash. He looked at his mother's tired face, and remembered the mess with him and his sister way back in high school. It was so long ago, he's changed, and he's no longer that boy in a school uniform. Again, he remembered, the time of anger and tears, confusion, the months of silence afterwards. Then last night, it came back, through her message that sounded both hopeful and hopeless – when you said there was nothing wrong with it, that it felt right so even if people say it's wrong then so what? We have a right to choose how to live our lives. We can have our own rules and we don't need to ask others if it is right or wrong. We don't have to be like everyone, no one has to know what we do or what we don't do.

Maybe the crash was a premonition that this was doomed. He received it right after he talked about her with his friend, and he read it all just before the crash. He saw his phone on the bedside table, the screen broken and beyond repair. He would be going home, and he would see her again. He didn't know how to deal with it.

"By the way, Mom, how's my room?"

"I still clean it sometimes, before the semester and summer breaks when I thought you were going home. I keep it locked as you said."

"Neechan..." Tomoki said, not knowing what to say about his sister, given everything that has happened in the past.

"She's fine, not causing so much trouble like before. She goes to school but spends most of her time at home. No, she isn't going in your room or touching your things," his mother said, and with the way she looked away from him, Tomoki guessed that maybe she was also thinking of what had been between them four years ago.

"If I'm going home, then we'd have to get my things in my room, and get a leave of absence from school," he said to change the subject.

"I'll take care of that. I'm sure they'll excuse you for this accident. Suzuki's mother was here earlier and we talked, and we'll go there later. There's still two months left before this term ends, it would be summer break again anyway, I think that's enough time for you to recover and go back before the next school year starts."

#

Tomoko didn't sleep until sunrise, as since three in the morning she hadn't stopped thinking about the message she sent and how stupid it was. She woke near lunch time and found that she was alone in the house. She called out for her mother, no one answered. She saw a post-it stuck on the fridge with a note in her mother's handwriting that said: I'll be leaving to go to Tomoki, there was a car accident. Pray for your brother, I don't know when I'll be back but I'll call later. Her eyes widened as she read.

"I hope he's fine," she said to no one. She had been agonizing the whole morning over a pointless message and his reply, when around the same time, Tomoki must have been in pain. It was stupid to think about that message when Tomoki was going through so much worse. Her shame about the message was replaced by hope that he would be okay.

She headed to school for her afternoon classes and came back later around sunset to their empty house. The phone rang, it was her mother.

"Your brother's fine, but his arm is broken from a collision. We'll be coming back home tomorrow, so we'll arrive there by evening."

"Why, what happened?" she asked, her voice shaking. Her brother would be with them again, after three years of absence.

"He was driving with his friend in a motorcycle and there's this vehicle that slammed into them. But he's fine. You want to talk to him?"

"No, Mom, maybe he needs to rest... and there's an exam I'm cramming for," she said as an excuse. What would she talk about with him anyway?

"Alright. Is your allowance enough? Have you eaten dinner?"

"Yes, I bought take-out."

"Okay, goodbye. I've told your father too."

#

The next day, Tomoki waited by the gate of the hospital for his mother, who got his things from the university and was coming to fetch him so they could go home. He was discharged ahead of his friend, who needed more treatment for his worse injuries. Tomoki had his broken arm cradled on a sling, and the pain was starting to come back, a feeling like his arm was bleeding from the inside.

A cab stopped, his mother went out and helped him in. All his clothes and things were in a luggage bag beside him. They would stop at the nearest train station and the ride home would be long.

#

The whole day, Tomoko was nervous at the thought that she would see her brother again. Around twilight, Tomoko heard the gate open. She walked out her room and waited at her door. She heard the voices of her mother and brother downstairs, and her heart raced at hearing his voice again, the familiar sound that was absent in their house for at least three years. But the excitement soon turned to dread.

"Tomoko! We brought dinner," her mother called out, but she didn't move from where she was.

Then she heard the sound of footsteps going up the stairs, and soon there was her brother walking towards her. There was a sling for his broken arm. He was wearing a faded blue jacket with his university's logo, shorts, and slippers. He's taller than before, but he looked the same with the familiar annoyed expression and eye bags.

For the first time after some years, they looked at each other. Tomoki didn't say anything. He only walked past her to his room, got his key and opened his locked door. He went in and closed it. She looked at his closed door for a long time.

"Tomoko!" her mother called again.

"Y-yes!" she answered, and ran downstairs to eat.

#

When Tomoki finally went back home, he headed first to his room to rest after a long train ride. On the way, he saw Tomoko standing in the same place where he left her three years ago. It was like she didn't move from the place at all since that parting. They looked at each other and Tomoki saw that his sister has changed somewhat. She's taller, though she was still as thin as before, and her build quite resembled their mother's now. She was still pale, she still had dark circles under her eyes and the same hairstyle. She was wearing a loose white shirt that was too big for her.

He didn't speak, he didn't know what to say anyway. He went in his room and closed the door. It was the same as he had left it, everything still in the exact places: the high school textbooks lined on his table and shelves, the same white sheets on the bed, the navy blue blanket, and even the football posters on the walls remained. A lone cicada shell, still intact, stood on a corner of the desk. He lay on the bed that was now small to him.

He recalled her message. He still didn't know what to do about it. He slept instead.

#

"Tomoko, I'm going to buy food and medicine for your brother, so take care of him while I'm away in case he needs something, okay?"

"Um… yes," she said. She had no class for today, and she was in the living room watching cartoons. Tomoki had an accident, but he was lucky that he doesn't have to go to school because of it. Just as she heard her mother close the door, she heard Tomoki's footsteps going down the stairs. She ignored it and turned the TV's volume louder.

Tomoki went to the kitchen to eat breakfast. He ignored her too. After a while, she heard the sound of Tomoki moving spoons and cups.

"Neechan," he called. She didn't move. Just a simple name, but she realized it has been so long since she had heard that word again. Only Tomoki called her that, anyway.

"What?" she said, still not looking at him.

"Can you get the sugar for me? I don't know if I can open it without spilling it all over," he said, and Tomoko went to him, got the pack of sugar in the cabinet above the sink, cut it open and poured it to the container. Tomoki scooped a teaspoon of it with his left hand but instead of going inside his coffee cup, it scattered all over.

"Please," he said, and Tomoko got the sugar and stirred his coffee for him. He went back to his room without saying thank you.

The cartoon was over, and next was a talk show. Tomoko did nothing but stare at the ceiling. She jumped in surprise when the phone rang. She let it ring five more times in the hope that Tomoki might go down to answer it, but of course he didn't. She picked up the receiver.

"H-hello."

"Good morning, is this Tomoki-kun's house? I can't contact his phone but... is he there and is he alright? Can I talk to him?" a girl's worried voice said. A girl wouldn't talk like this if she wasn't someone close to him. Tomoko's hands shook on the receiver. Of course, she wasn't like him. He's probably had casual relationships. That's maybe why he answered a simple, mocking 'who's this?' to her long-winded, meaningless message. Forget it. Forget him. Forget it all. He's only your brother, don't hope anymore.

"Uh, I'll ask..." she said, dropped the phone on the table, ran upstairs and a small stream of tears escaped from her eyes. She didn't mean to, her body had its own reactions she couldn't control and she hated herself for it. When she reached his door, she wiped her eyes and knocked. He opened it.

"There's someone on the phone looking for you," she said.

Tomoki looked at her, then at his broken arm. "Tell them I'm resting and I don't want to talk," he said. She went back downstairs and told the girl on the phone.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'll just call next time but tell him it's Mei. Thank you, I hope he's fine." The call ended.

#

Tomoko was alone the next day again, her mother and brother out for a hospital appointment. She was watching TV in her room when she heard the gate's doorbell ring. She peered through the curtain to look, and there was a girl and a guy. Tomoko didn't dare answer the door. The ringing went on for some time until she also saw that her brother and mother were back.

She saw the girl give Tomoki a brief hug (he didn't return it) and the guy looked on. They all went inside their house. Tomoko opened her door to hear what they were talking about, but then closed it when she heard them going up the stairs to Tomoki's room. She could hear them talking about the school team and how everyone was worried about him. The girl's voice was the same as the one on the phone yesterday. She bit her lips and tried to suppress the jealousy, but she can't, so she only turned on her computer and put her headphones on.

Three hours since she turned on her computer, she could still hear their voices. They had stayed for lunch, and her mother must have cooked something for Tomoki's friends.

Why don't you all leave, I can't eat because you're all still here, she thought. She was grateful when she heard their goodbyes, and it was her time to go down for lunch. She found that her father was there, along with Tomoki and her mother. Her father smiled at her as she sat on the chair and began to eat.

"Your friends are really nice, Tomoki, they came all the way from your school just to visit you here. And that girl, she's pretty, isn't she? You didn't even tell me you've had girlfriends there," her mother said to her brother. It reminded Tomoko again about the message she sent – it was so stupid. She guessed that he didn't even read it. Maybe he didn't even think that it was her. She continued eating, but she no longer had any appetite and only wanted to get out of here.

"She wasn't, Mom, I mean... I haven't, my friends know friends, we were all going out together," Tomoki said while struggling with some piece of meat. He gave up trying to cut it and just picked it with his left hand and ate. He looked at her looking at him but she was the first to look away. He was having the time of life Tomoko didn't have, isn't he... all this time, she was the one who was still stuck in the past, while everyone else had moved on, even him.

"Well, I've said before that you'll also find another person for you other than –" their mother stopped and looked at Tomoko. She smiled and laughed, but it only made the silence even more awkward. It was something best left forgotten, but it was brought up again by a slip of tongue on the part of their mother.

Tomoki drank a glass of water, slammed it on the table, and went back to his room. "I..." their mother said, her eyes still following him as he ran up the stairs. She sighed, picked up Tomoki's used utensils on the table and put them in the sink.

"They told me he might be a bit angry after that accident, huh. I don't know what made me mention it anyway when that was so long ago, right?" her mother asked her, and Tomoko only nodded but she was looking down. She left the rest of her food uneaten and went back to her room without thinking. Tomoko realized that to their mother, it was all fine and buried now.

Now her brother was back and didn't say anything about it, so it was better to just take it and accept his choice. He'd recover, go away again, and spend the rest of his life in the wide world while Tomoko will be left behind. The way he slammed his glass to the table was so sudden... was he so repulsed by the past that he reacted like that? In her room, she turned on the computer again and started another otome game she had played so many times.

"Can't blame them for acting like that. They're... older now. They probably didn't want to think about it," their father said to their mother when they were both alone.

"Ah, why did I even mention it? I'm not thinking of things I say, sometimes..."

#

When they went back home from a check-up, Tomoki found his two friends waiting by their gate. Since the accident, all he did was sleep. He was lethargic most of the day, and the pain invaded his mind, he's unable to think long about anything else. He nodded along as his friends talked about what's happening in school, but he didn't really listen. They watched a movie, ate, and they left. Tomoki only wanted to be left alone. His mother mentioned the past over lunch, and that made Tomoki want to disappear. Out of nowhere, the memory of being slapped by his mother in the kitchen long ago returned and it made him feel sick.

He still hadn't really talked to his sister – he never told her that he read her message. What good would it do now, anyway? Since he came back, he only talked to her about the phone call and asked her to help him with his coffee. It was hard to do everything without his right hand, he felt so slow in everything, from eating, reading, or playing virtual football on his TV, but with only a left hand to use, it was all difficult. The only thing he can ever do well now was sleep.

Pain, like his arm was shot, was how it felt. He spent hours just sitting on his floor and trying to meditate it away. That's why he was here at home, to wait until it heals.

#

The days and weeks passed by with nothing happening. Now, Tomoko had school, Tomoki had to recover. Life went on as usual. The siblings felt that they have grown even more apart. In high school, there was a period they haven't even talked, but now, the years apart from each other made the invisible barrier between them even harder to transverse. Maybe it was the effect of growing up. Tomoko went to school, only for classes, and then went home. She's no longer sad, no longer happy either, but at least she's not embarrassing herself anymore in trying to be popular, she's even cringing when she recalls her high school days. She can talk to people now. She can get by. She can hide and not suffer and can control herself from embarrassing moments. She had learned to blend in, to keep to herself.

Tomoki stayed half-awake in recovery, he was sleeping most of the day. He didn't do anything more than read, watch TV, play games, and sometimes walk in the morning. He didn't allow visitors in. They both spent most of their time alone in their rooms, and to Tomoko, there was no difference whether he was here or he wasn't, it still felt like he was miles away. Tomoki only talked to her when he needed something and when she happened to be there. It was like they were strangers, now. They weren't the younger versions of themselves anymore. Tomoko didn't barge in his room, didn't annoy him like the way she used to be before. Her mother told her many times not to disturb him, so she didn't. How she missed it now, way back the time she didn't have those feelings for him, when they were only siblings with no other complications attached. It was her mistake, for saying those things to him in the first place. Now, look at how things got, all those incidents left them like this... just two people who live in the same house and not anything more than that.

Tomoko had decided that since Tomoki ignored her message, it was over once and for all. What would they do, anyway? Fight the system? Run away together? What had she been dreaming of, that it could really happen? She no longer hoped. She was supposed to forget it, she should have forgotten about it the moment he left all those years ago. She should have forgotten it after he ended it. Yet it was the brief embrace before he left that gave her a little hope... but she was dreaming. She decided life will not always go the way she wanted or hoped. It would be stupid to attempt again what their parents have stopped. She had written to him, if you don't agree or still think this is stupid, I'm not forcing you. I'll go with your choice, even if that choice excludes me. Tomoki did go with the choice that excludes her.

#

Nothing much happened in the one and a half month that went by, until it was once again the time of frantic cramming for another finals week. She ran down the stairs with her heavy hardbound books, when at the same time Tomoki was about to step on the stairs to go up. In her rush, the books fell from her grasp and went to Tomoki's direction. Tomoki tried to dodge but he went out of balance and ended up sliding and falling to the bottom of the stairs. It was fast, and he ended up half-lying, half-crouching on the floor. There was a faint sound, like porcelain breaking but not quite. Tomoki was shaking as he tried to stand up again, holding on to the stair's railings with his left hand.

"I'm so sorry!" she said, as she gathered the books, cursed Shakespeare and Genji and the publishers that had to make their books so heavy.

"Damn you, that hurts like a bitch," he said, glaring at her with tears on his eyes. Veins bulged against his neck, his temples, straining against some pain she couldn't imagine.

Their parents both ran to him when they heard the fall and her mother and father quickly helped him out to take him to the hospital. Tomoko scolded herself for being too clumsy. Even that look from Tomoki was enough to make her heart quake and fear. She was sure she'd get another mouthful from her mother later. She was left alone, and she fixed her bag again then walked to school with shaking steps. She headed to the library, still feeling overwhelming guilt from it. She returned the books to Komiyama, who was behind the desk.

"Hi, Tomoko, I've heard about Tomoki-kun's accident. Is he okay now?" Komiyama asked.

"How would you know about that?"

"It was in one of the local papers, about two football players from the university who were taken to the hospital after their motorcycle collided with a truck... It says the same company who owns the vehicle had other accidents this year," Komiyama pointed to an old newspaper page dated a month ago on her desk. Tomoko read it too.

"Oh. He's been home since last month. He's still recovering but Mom says he'll go back to school again after summer break," she said, and walked to an unoccupied table to study.

"Wait, Tomoko," Komiyama said, and Tomoko turned back. "Yuu-chan called me. The reason why she's been away is she was an exchange student in... I can't remember the country. But she was asking me for your number but I don't have it, she said she'd like to meet with us again. Oh, she's here! Hello, it's been a long time!"

Tomoko turned and saw Yuu, but before she could greet her Yuu was already holding her in a hug. She smelled good as usual. Tomoko almost exploded when Yuu kissed her on the cheek, and she suddenly had the crazy thought that why is she pining still for her brother when there was a gorgeous girl practically throwing herself to her? After all these years, her... hots for Yuu-chan didn't entirely go away. Yuu let go, and Tomoko had a good look at her best friend since middle school. She looked like a proper woman now. She was wearing a velvet blue long-sleeved dress. Tomoko looked at her own clothes, a shirt she just picked from the closet, unwashed jeans she had worn everyday for the past week, and cheap sneakers dirty with dry mud.

"Komiyama!" Yuu greeted her, and they also shared a hug across the desk.

"Why don't we all go out again in my uncle's coffee shop?" Yuu said, and Komiyama checked the time and said yes. Instead of studying, Tomoko went with them to the same coffee shop where Yuu used to work. Not that different from the old days, Kotomi and Tomoko nodded along as Yuu did all the talking. She showed them pictures of China, Korea, Vietnam. At least the coffee was free. When they went separate ways to go home, Tomoko was trying to be ready for whatever her mother or Tomoki might say to her when she goes back home.

#

When she returned to their house, the first thing she saw after she opened the door was her brother sitting in their living room, glaring at her for the pain she'd caused him. She didn't move, and looked down so she can't see his gaze.

"If I have to stay here until next school year, it's your fault," he said.

"I'm sorry."

"Try breaking your arm." He stood and left to go upstairs.

"Tomoko, come here," her mother called from the kitchen. She was sitting on their dining table, massaging her temples with her left hand. Her eyes are closed and she's sneering.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Next time, slow down. He was pissed and it hurts me when he's in pain like that."

"I'll try not to do that again. I didn't... cause any damage?"

"No, there was this small break in the cast and they just replaced it, but there was nothing bad. His arm would be okay again in two or three weeks anyway. Wait, why are you crying?"

Tomoko swallowed and wiped her eyes. She stopped and told herself crying's for wimps. "I don't know. I just remember that since before I haven't done anything good for him and now this."

"What's happened has happened, the best we can do is move on," her mother said. Tomoko has never even talked to her mother about the past, and she can never say what she wrote in that message for Tomoki. She had suggested 'fighting for them' but when faced with her mother, she was a coward. Of course she can't just say that. She still had a long way to go before fully moving on, but at least accepting it was a start, even if it was hard.

#

That night, when she was about to sleep, she could hear Tomoki pacing in his room, ranting in anger about not staying here and how about all the games I've missed and I don't want to stay here and be useless. Each sentence was a stab to her heart. She could hear her brother punching the concrete wall with his free hand. She heard her mother open his door and say something about not hurting himself anymore. He answered with something she didn't hear.

"It hurts." She could hear him speaking, sobbing. She never heard him like that before. She hated herself for being the cause of that pain. She was the reason he was hurt by them years ago, when it should have been her. She's never done anything good for him, even until now. She didn't want him hurt and she hated herself that this time it was her fault again. He continued the slow banging on his wall, a sound like heartbeats, ominous in the dark... like a countdown waiting for something unknown. Tomoko mustered her courage and went to his room, something she has not done for so long. She opened the door with a loud slam. He was sitting on his bed, his closed fist against the wall. He still glared at her.

"Stop it, won't you? You're so noisy I can't sleep!" she screamed fast to hide her cracking voice, and what an irony it was... before, it was him who complained about all her noise. "Getting angry like that wouldn't heal your damn arm! Stop talking to yourself because it's like you are blaming me! I can hear you!"

"Damn right I am blaming you," he said out loud, matching her tone. He punched the wall again. "Try breaking your arm, I said."

"You don't have to be such a bitch about it! I said I'm sorry! You're overacting, that hardly did you damage," she said, and her voice shook in that last sorry. Tomoki stopped, probably exhausted from all his complaining, and lied down to sleep. Tomoko closed the door and went back to her room. At least he had shut up and now she can sleep.

#

"Tomoko, you only have one class today, right? Tomoki's down with a fever. I have to go with your father to a funeral. I'm afraid you have to watch out for him today, but be careful about things, okay? He was pretty pissed yesterday."

"Very pissed, I think. He'd probably drive me away again anyway," she said.

When their parents left, she went in Tomoki's room to bring food for him, reheated soup her mother had cooked and orange juice. He was lying in bed, his lips pale, eyes glazed, and looking sick. He glared at her again like how he did last night when she slammed the door open. What an ungrateful bastard, she thought, and she was tempted to pour all the boiling soup to his face. But she won't try that, his arm may be broken, but Tomoki can still kick her ass.

"Eat," she said, and Tomoki tried to sit up and took the spoon with a shaking hand.

"Leave, I can do it," he said.

"Fine."

Tomoko went in later after she came home from her class. She found him sleeping, the food was all eaten. She placed her hand on his forehead, and she flinched at how warm he was. She soaked the towel again, squeezed water out, and replaced it on his forehead. She took the used dishes to the kitchen. All this now, was so different from what she had imagined or expected. She was kind of hoping that it would all go the way she had wanted: he'd go back home, admit he still loves her that way, and no one would object. Now that he was here... nothing happened. She hated herself for still fantasizing.

#

Their mother went home and was surprised that Tomoko was washing the dishes and coffee cups Tomoki used. She wasn't used to it and water kept spilling outside the sink and Tomoko didn't look too pleased with doing it.

"How was he?"

"As I said, pissed. Didn't talk to me. All he did was sleep and eat."

"No different from what you do here. He's sick and he has an injury, so we'll just let him be and give him whatever he wants this time."

Then they heard him walk down the stairs, with slow, careful steps. His hair was in disarray and he walked past them to make coffee. His arm shook as he tried to mix a cup for himself and he merely looked at his sister. Tomoko took that as a sign that he was asking her to help him with his coffee.

"Not too much sugar," he said and Tomoko pushed the cup to him, some bits spilling over. He went back upstairs again without saying thank you.

"He hasn't forgiven me, he just expects me to do shit for him because I did something wrong yesterday."

"If he recovers, he'll go back to doing things by himself anyway. Maybe he's not used to it, that he has to ask us for help."

#

Back in the darkness of his room, Tomoki opened his laptop and browsed the net. The whole day, all he did was pretend to sleep even if his sister was there. Typing or using the mouse with only his left hand was slow. He read the messages for him, too many since he didn't log in since the accident. He had to scroll down many of them before he reached her message, it was still there. He read it again.

What could he do about it anyway? He doesn't know his own feelings. When he remembered everything that happened before, they only make him feel empty, angry.

But if you don't agree or still think this is stupid, I'm not forcing you. I'll go with your choice, even if that choice excludes me. I wish the best for you since you are my brother but I just want to let you know that I still

She didn't finish the last sentence. He turned off the computer instead and tried to sleep. He didn't mean to be a bitch to her yesterday or today, but the thing in his arm still hurt. It would be another two or more weeks before they take off the cast, and even after that he'd have to wait again for some time until his arm fully recovers.

Reading the message again brought back memories he thought he had forgotten. He was sixteen, then. He can still recall how they started it, when she told her she loved her more than a brother, then for a time they had been more than siblings... they were as happy and ignorant as when they were children. He smiled at the thought that he was the one who hurt her when he decided to end it. He was the one almost screaming and hysterical when their parents confronted them. He was finally realizing he was hurt then as much as she was. There were things he couldn't control. And now, what? It felt like he faced a dead end and he has lost the way back. Maybe it was best to just let it die, end it like this.

#

Their mother went to check Tomoki in his room, but when she opened the door, she found Tomoko still awake. She watched as her daughter replaced the cold compress on his forehead. Tomoko sat on the floor. Their mother can tell that Tomoki is only pretending to sleep, because he's not relaxed and he usually sleeps at 3 or 4 in the morning. Not that different from Tomoko, who also had the same sleeping schedule.

"Tomoko, why don't you go to sleep?" she asked. Tomoko looked up at her.

"It's okay, I can't sleep anyway and you said I should check on him, right?"

Their mother is quiet as she observed them. Since Tomoki came back, she has not seen them talk, or interact like how they used to before. The distance and separation probably did that. The way her daughter looks at her son, she can see she's hurt. Years ago, it was Tomoki who got all the trouble and not her. Their mother admitted to herself that she hasn't done a good job with that one, it ended but it was Tomoki who suffered the most even if he tried to hide it. Tomoko had a hard time then, too. It felt like it was a dirty secret swept under a rug that they all pretended to ignore, and now they all tried their best to pretend it never happened. That's why she thought it was best for Tomoki to go away, so they would forget and realize it has been for the best. She believed she was in the right then, but for the first time, she found herself questioning her own actions.

Even with all their fights before, so normal for siblings, she can see: Tomoko loves him. Tomoki loves her. In the eventuality that they would pass away, they would leave their children behind to fend for themselves, to live their own lives.

"What, Mom?"

"Nothing. It's already morning, why don't you go to sleep in your room now? It's my turn to watch out for him."

Tomoko nodded and left.

#

When their children weren't around, she and her husband always talked about them over their afternoon coffees. They talk about Tomoki and how his games went. They talk about Tomoko who did mostly nothing at home. They talk about news, relatives, work, but lately their topic is always about Tomoki and his recovery. And now, they talked about how Tomoki was always irritated about his injury, and how Tomoko watched out for him when he was sick yesterday.

"I mean, they don't get along that well, Tomoki's been away after all... but I can leave her to take care of him. He hates it. You know him, always relying on himself and he probably hates it that he needs others to help him this time."

"Did we do something wrong with that thing when they were younger?"

"That was then. But any sane parent would stop them, right? Imagine what other people would think of that, of us, if they knew something like that? People would say, what kind of parents did they have? I can't imagine that, even if it didn't get to the point of being that worse. They behaved. They were told to stop, they did. They just probably thought it was okay because no one said it wasn't."

"Tomoko... she isn't really the most social of girls. You think she had a problem before? I'm afraid that I didn't have much time to watch out for them then..."

"She never had a problem. She was just this lazy, troubling kid when she was in high school. Everyone's kinda problematic in high school, right? Maybe that was their rebel phase. I don't think they'll do that again. They've been around, saw the world, and met other people."

"Well, we aren't them. How can we know? What if they want to be together again?"

"What? I'm not even considering that because it isn't even possible. The way I see them now, they don't want it."

"I'm just thinking, we're old now and of course, we want them to be secure, to be happy. But... just consider, just an imaginary situation. Before, we didn't even talk about this. Between the choices of what we think is right or acceptable and what can make them happy, what they want?"

She sighed. "I can't imagine you saying those things. The right thing is more important than temporary happiness. It won't make them happy. They might end up miserable that way if they choose to stay together. Really, it's sick, thinking your children are… just… I don't want to even think about it. Things are okay now."

"I didn't ask you, how did you deal with them that time?"

"I'm ashamed to admit this but – I was so shocked I slapped him and talked him into stopping it."

"And I was shocked too, that I hit him. But in the end, they'd have to look for each other, right? When Tomoki was young he really looked up to his sister, right?"

"You know, it's funny. He doesn't want to remember it, when he was in high school I was replaying the video where he proposed to her when he was four, or was it five? I can't recall. He almost puked when he saw that."

"I do remember that we talked about that when they were younger, right? Oh, I do! We talked about what if, until he grows up, he'd still be like that? Do you remember? You said that..."

She blinked, trying to recall. "I said that... I'd rather have them together if that's what they really wanted. But that was when they were children, when they were still innocent and unaware of the world. We didn't even remember that when it actually happened, didn't we. You think our son has forgiven us? Realized their mistakes? Realized it was for the best?"

"They're old enough to think for themselves. We'll see."

#

Finals week was over, another summer vacation was coming. These past years, Tomoko's summer breaks didn't differ much since high school. She stayed for days at home, and this one looked no different.

"Tomoko, could you go with Tomoki to the hospital today?" asked her mother the morning of the first day of summer break.

"You're the one who always goes with him... why not you?"

"I have to clean the house. As for Tomoki, if all goes well, they're going to take the cast off today. Here's money for lunch," she said, handing her some bills.

"But did he agree..."

"I already told him. He said he could go alone, but I said it wouldn't hurt if you went with him, he might need some help, so go with him just in case."

Tomoki was already dressed to go when he went down the stairs. He only looked at her. She had just woken and still looked like a mess. Tomoki looked impatient, so she just changed to clean clothes in a hurry, used deodorant, and went out with Tomoki. They walked and rode a bus together, not speaking all the way. Tomoki kept on touching his arm. When they arrived in the place, Tomoko stayed in a coffee shop to wait while he went ahead alone to the hospital.

The wait was so long, Tomoko fell asleep on the table. A slap the back of her head woke her, and she saw that it was already late in the afternoon. She looked back with bleary eyes at Tomoki, who had used his right hand. He grinned, looking pleased that he can use his arm again.

"Let's have lunch over there, I'm starving," he said, pointing to a restaurant across the coffee shop where they were. They went there, and Tomoki ordered for both of them, expensive steaks cooked rare. His healed arm was pale and thin, and he used it to hold the knife to cut through the meat. He was still slow and careful, but Tomoko can tell that he's glad even if he doesn't say it – he's smiling while eating and Tomoko can't help but be amused. The food was good. He probably wanted something to celebrate the day with. Tomoko watched him as he ate.

He looked up. "What?" he asked while chewing.

"Nothing."

In that moment, Tomoko knew... that she could still love this person as a brother. Didn't she write that to him, too, about wanting the best for him? She couldn't even imagine that she's thinking of these things. If it had been four, five years ago, she wouldn't have realized it. They were eating, together, alone, and not in their house. Something most normal siblings do. She waited for Tomoki to finish, and they went back home.

The past was over, and it was as final as the last period of a story's last sentence, a closed book never to be opened again. There was nothing waiting for them. It wasn't as sad as she imagined it to be, letting go. In the end, it was simple... she was just his sister, and he was just her brother. Acceptance wasn't that hard, but it took her three years, and Tomoki going back, before she realized it.

#

When they both arrived home around sunset, Tomoko went straight to her room. Tomoki greeted their mother and waved at her with his right hand. His mother smiled at seeing him without the sling. She was cooking in the kitchen, and Tomoki volunteered to help. There were vegetables and meat on the cutting board still uncut, so he took the kitchen knife and started to slice.

"Wait, is it okay to use your hand?" she asked.

"Yes, they even said I have to use it to regain some strength on it. Wait, what's that cake for?" Tomoki pointed to a box on their dining table.

"That your arm is fine again."

Tomoki smiled as he cut the meat, onions, and pepper for a dish his mother was cooking for dinner. He worked slow and cautious, as his arm had lost some muscle and it would take time before he could use it normally. He missed it, using his hand.

"You know, I still think that when you were in high school, all those things... they were overacting, no?" their mother asked.

"What do you mean?" he asked, surprised that his mother talked about the past.

"That I've been thinking about things since you were away. Well, I think you're both free to make your own choices now if that's what you think can make you happy and I won't interfere."

Tomoki let out a mirthless laugh. "Are you saying that was okay? After all that?" he said with a bitter smile, thinking of every bad thing he's ever said to her and his father that time.

"Anyone would be outraged. But after all these years, I've been thinking, and I'm having a different perspective. I'd rather have my children together, and finding happiness, than trying to destroy or change their real feelings?"

Tomoki didn't expect what his mother said. He continued chopping the onions, they made his eyes sting. Tears fell on the cutting board and he wiped on them with his hand. His hands trembled while gripping the knife. Soon, it wasn't only the onions that him cry... things he didn't know he felt found its way out. He let go of the the knife and wiped his eyes.

"I'm sorry," their mother said.

"No, Mom, it's just that Neechan sent a message to me before the accident that she still... loves me."

"And do you feel the same? What did you say?" their mother asked. She realized that she only assumed their feelings when in fact she didn't know. She thought it was all over now, but found it still wasn't.

"I didn't say anything back. She didn't say anything about it and I never mentioned it. You know we don't even talk much now. I don't know my own feelings. I mean, it could be over. I decided it could be done now, but then you suddenly say that and it only makes me confused."

"That time, before, I didn't even give you time to explain because I truly believed I was right. What can you say? I'm asking you now because I didn't ask before. How did it start and how did it end?" his mother asked, also looking down. She's never seen Tomoki like this before and she wasn't used to it. She had thought it would only go away if they all ignored it.

"I'll try. Then, she told me she loved me... more than a brother and I don't know, I... felt the same and for awhile things were alright, it didn't feel wrong at all until you told me to stop it. Nothing much's changed with us during that time, we were still the same but we were... together. But seriously, Mom, we talked about then about how we didn't want kids anyway because you know, we're siblings so if you're worried about that you didn't have to..." he said, laughing at the confusing mess of what he was saying.

"When you told me to stop it I was angry so I also got angry at her and told her I only fooled her and she should just forget everything," he continued, pausing before he formed sentences. It felt like he was back to being sixteen, still clueless.

"And we... did what you saw because it started as a joke but..." Tomoki said and shrugged. "I can't believe you're saying its fine when you were really angry then. I mean I can understand why you were."

His mother covered her mouth with her hand as she listened. She can imagine that must have been so bad for Tomoko that time and for him too. Tomoki stopped talking. She started to cook, and Tomoki washed the rice before he put it in the rice cooker. Tomoki washed some dishes, and sat on the table to wait for the food. After it was done, he ate dinner alone then went back to his room.

She called for Tomoko to eat, but she didn't say anything to her about what she just talked about with Tomoki. He's the one who started and ended it long ago, and she knew that he would also find a way to fix this all somehow.

#

After dinner, Tomoko searched for games to play that night, but found that some were missing. She guessed that maybe Tomoki took some of them, so she went in his room without knocking. He just took her games without asking for permission anyway. He was on his bed, doing nothing but stare at the ceiling. She looked under his TV, and she found what she was looking for. She turned to the door to leave.

"Mom said something to me," he said. She was on her way out but she stopped.

"What?" She looked back. Tomoki still wasn't looking at her.

"I've read your message."

"And?" Tomoko cringed at that message she didn't want to remember ever again. He knew, and she suspected that he only pretended that he didn't know about it to save her from embarrassment. Of course she now expected that all was useless, she had already accepted this, she had let go and was finally starting to move on. But why was he bringing it up again when he was the one who said before to forget it all?

"She said that it's okay now, if we want to be," Tomoki paused, sat up, and looked at her this time. It was as if he couldn't phrase what he wanted to say. "Together," he said with a shrug.

"What do you mean?" she said, and she pinched her hand as if to make sure she wasn't dreaming. Or maybe she was misinterpreting, maybe he meant another thing. He never spoke of the past again since he came back, but it was something haunting them every time they talk, interact.

"I mean, all that before... she said, she wouldn't mind, that she'd rather have us 'together' than be hurt?" he said, and it didn't make anything easier. They still didn't know how this works: putting words to feelings, and Tomoki could be blunt and direct but not when it comes to this. There was hesitance in his words, he's closing his eyes and he's kind of sneering as he spoke like he's about to take back everything, like he can't believe what he's saying, like he hates speaking it all out loud. Tomoko didn't know what to feel.

"What? I can't believe she would just say that after all that before. Why, do you want to... be that way again? I mean, I said it's all up to you, right?

"No."

Tomoko felt like she was punched in stomach. He gave her a bit of hope and told her all that just to say no? She hated even more that she almost believed it when she had decided to let go and move on.

"Then why'd you have to tell me about it? That message was weeks ago. I don't feel that way anymore too." Tomoko said, almost blurted out I don't want you anymore anyway but that would be a lie, she was lying now, she had decided to move on but everything still didn't disappear completely. Now that he said that, she found that all she felt when she wrote the message came back. He hurt her again by sayingno, and it would take long before she could let this go again.

"No, I mean, I don't know. I thought maybe you have something to say. Or you can forget it, then. This could be over now," he said, and Tomoko didn't expect it... he looked so confused.

"Sure, you can forget it! But I can't," she said, contradicting what she had decided about moving on. Why does this have to be so hard and awkward? She didn't know what to say, and he didn't know what to say too anyway. Before she could blurt out anything stupid again, she stood up, turned and walked out of his room...

Tomoki grabbed her by the arm with his weaker hand, and it was trembling and damp with cold sweat. He pulled her down towards him, on his face was written confusion, uncertainty, and she was half-dragged, half-seated across his lap and their faces must have looked the same: with trembling, clueless expressions. Now that they were allowed to be free, things began to be more difficult. His hand tightened around her arm. He used his other arm and held her close, like he did before he left. Tomoko, she didn't know what it meant, but she... was so close to the body she had dreamed of and missed and wanted to hold, and it had been so long since she was touched like this, and the only one who had touched her like this was the same person holding her now. She held him too.

"You make things so difficult," he said, voice trembling.

"No, you are, you always had. Now what?" she answered with the same cracking voice

"I don't know. I... read that right before the crash," he said, and Tomoko can feel his breath on her neck as he spoke. She closed her eyes and tried to remember the last time this same moment happened and how she missed it. "I mean, you said that we can have our own rules and no one else has to know, right? What do you feel? Does it still feel wrong?" he asked.

Tomoko said something she had not said for so long.

"If it... feels like this, how can it be wrong?"

Tomoki's kiss was sudden and fierce. Tomoko was surprised, and it was clumsy, like they didn't know how to do it. When they let go, Tomoko sat beside him on the bed. They were silent for a long time. It felt like there was nothing more to say. She felt Tomoki's hand on her waist, softly pulling her close. She laid her head on his chest and breathed. This was like something that has been waiting to happen. She could stay like this forever...

They stayed like that for a long time, until she fell asleep on him and Tomoki just watched her, until he was sleepy. He just lowered himself to lie down the bed while still holding her. In her sleep, she put her arms around him. His tiredness from this exhausting day, and her warmth, lulled him to sleep.

Their father checked Tomoko's room, she wasn't there. He opened the door to Tomoki's room and saw him and his sister sleeping on the same bed and it reminded him that it's how they both slept too, when they were younger. He found that the sight of them together made him relieved. He went in, pulled the blanket over both of them, turned off the light, and closed the door.

He went down and found their mother still on the kitchen table, drinking a can of beer. She nodded to him, and looked at the drinks on the table, a silent invitation for him to join her. He took a seat beside her.

"As you said, I asked Tomoki to forgive me and he can have his choice," she said, and gulped down the drink. He opened his own can and drank.

"It isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I guess Tomoki talked to her. They're both asleep in his room. I saw them like that and I thought it's better for them to have their choice."

"You know what, I think we're crazy. But I'm... alright with it. We don't have to be like everyone, too," she said, and smiled. He laughed. They continued drinking until there were no more cans left, then went back to their room together and slept.

#

The days that followed didn't differ much from before. The same dull summer break, Tomoki was still the same even if he'd said that they could be together again. He stayed in his room, she stayed in hers. There were no overdramatic reconciliations, just things going on as normal. But if she went in his room and just sat on the bed while Tomoki played games on his TV, he didn't complain. She rather liked it this way, just something normal... like before.

#

"Mom, I just checked the school's schedule. Enrolment starts next week. I asked the dorm if I could still use my old room, they said it was okay and I could go there earlier if I want to, I can leave tomorrow," Tomoki said to their mother while they were eating dinner one night. It was only the three of them, their father wasn't around.

"How about yours, Tomoko?" her mother asked her.

"Our schedule's a little later... two weeks from now, I think," she said.

"Why don't you bring with Tomoko with you so she can visit your place?" their mother asked Tomoki.

"Huh?" they both asked at the same time.

"What would I do there?" she asked.

"You haven't gone out and had a vacation since you started college. Why don't you go together for a day or two? Help him carry all his things. But ask your father first if you decide to go."

"What am I, baggage carrier? But I guess I can, I haven't been there yet," she said, shrugged. She couldn't imagine going out alone with her brother. She couldn't believe her mother would suggest it either.

"Uh, maybe, but..." Tomoki said.

"I'm home," said the voice of their father, who just arrived and joined them on the table to eat.

#

Later that night, their father was watching basketball on TV and Tomoko waited for awhile before she decided to ask.

"Hey, Dad. Mom asked me to ask your permission if I could go with Tomoki to his school? She said I could help him with his things and she suggested it so I could go somewhere else, its summer break now anyway."

"But when will you be back?"

"Maybe the day after tomorrow? I won't be long."

"Okay, you can. Wait, Tomoko. Your mother told me she told your brother... you know. So, has he told you, did you talk?"

Tomoko turned pale. "W-was that serious? I mean, Dad, after all that I didn't think you could change your mind, that you can just forget that and allow this. It was my mistake then –"

"No more explaining," her father interrupted her. "It's already fine! I mean, we also find it weird. But just one thing."

"What?"

"Take care of your brother," he said.

She smiled, and said, "Yes." After that, she went to Tomoki's room, who was fixing things he would bring.

"So what time will we go?" she asked.

"Earlier, of course."

"But can when can I go home, then? Or if I spend the night there, where will I sleep?"

"There are guest rooms for visiting relatives. You sure you really want to go? Honestly, you have nothing to do there."

"I have nothing to do here either."

"You have a point."

#

They left at early morning before sunrise and headed to the university's town by train. They arrived in around noon. Tomoko carried the larger bag with his clothes and Tomoki carried the same white sling bag he used since middle school. They went first to his university dorm to leave his things. On the way, almost everyone who passed by them were greeting Tomoki for being back. He smiled back and thanked all of them as they walked. They reached the place where Tomoki stayed, a large building for the boy's dormitory. He left, and Tomoko waited by the lobby. He took too long fixing his things that she fell asleep. Later, he woke her again.

"Is there space in the spare rooms? My sister's spending the night here," he asked a guy behind the desk. The thought of spending the night alone in a new place and sleeping somewhere else other than her own room daunted her.

"Ah, there's no more space because freshmen's parents stay here to accompany their kids. I'll see what I can do... you can get an extra mattress and let her stay with you. Your younger sister, Tomoki? Didn't know you had siblings," the receptionist said, looking at her.

"She's older than me."

"Oh? She's so small!" he said, smiled, and turned to her. "Kuroki-san, do you have an ID? And sign your name here." She got her school ID from her bag, he handed her a log book where wrote her name. He typed something on the computer and said it was okay.

"We're going back tonight, just going round to visit," he said and they went out again. She didn't know where he was going, she only followed. Tomoki went to the football field in the middle of the school. Some people were practicing, and a stray soccer ball rolled to their direction. Tomoki ran and kicked it back to the field, and he grinned. She watched the ball as it flew in an arc through the air, and someone leaped to catch it. Tomoko had to admit to herself that he did look cool doing that.

"Tomoki!" the boys called out and ran to him. All of a sudden, people were around him and Tomoko had to walk away to give way for them. A crowd formed around him, even this white dog barked and ran to him.

"Good to see you! How have you been?" someone asked.

"Okay, I'm just okay," he said.

"Have you heard about Suzuki, Tomoki? We just visited him yesterday, and we're sad that it will take long before he could walk or play football again. But he's pretty optimistic. You're lucky it's only your arm."

"But I think I still have to wait until it heals completely before I can play with you guys again. Where'd you visit him? In the hospital?" he asked, showing them his weak arm.

"No, we went to his home. You didn't talk or something?"

"We haven't talked since the accident, actually. Well... I'm with my sister here now and we're just going round," he said and looked at her. They all paused to look at her too and she froze at their attention. "Hello!" some greeted her, and she smiled back.

"So... we're going. See you around!" he said, the others said their goodbyes and went back playing in the field.

"Now, what are we going to do? Is there somewhere you want to go? There's this mall nearby where we can eat if you're hungry," he said when they were alone.

"Okay, anywhere's fine."

They wandered around the place, Tomoki bought some groceries and school supplies, and they ate a dinner of cheap, greasy fast food in a WcDonald's branch. They played in an arcade, slaying each other's pixel monsters until they were tired. They went back to the university again by evening.

#

They went back to the dorm and to his room in the sixth floor. The halls were dark and it looked like they were the only ones here now. His room looked no different from his room at home. It was arranged the same way, the only difference was a bathroom.

"I'm afraid you have to sleep on the floor. They ran out of pillows and mattresses," he said and headed to the bathroom, but when he went out, his sister was already sprawled on his bed and sleeping. Maybe she's tired from the day. All they did was walk around. He was right, there was nothing for her here. Come to think of it, this was the first day they were both together on their own and not at home. She'd go back home tomorrow anyway.

Sometime near midnight, he turned off the lights and lay down beside her on the thin bed. Tomoko woke when she felt Tomoki's warmth and weight beside her. Her heart calmed, she was grateful that he was beside her. After she leaves tomorrow, they might not see each other again for some time. So she stayed awake, trying to remember this, a memory to think of in times she was alone.

It was still the same, the insomnia, the dull nights of just waiting for sleep. She knew Tomoki's awake too, just closing his eyes. The red glowing numbers of the digital clock on his study table said it was 11:11 pm. She didn't believe in wishes or superstitions but she said a silent wish to herself that nothing would disturb what they have now. Tomoki tossed and turned in his sleep. He faced her, opened his eyes and Tomoko looked away. She realized she had been staring at him for a long time in the dark. There was no moon, but after some time her eyes have adjusted to the dark. Everything looked grey-scale. It felt like a dream. Maybe it was.

Tomoki spoke first. They couldn't sleep and there was just nothing else to do while waiting for it to come.

"So, when will you graduate?" Tomoki asked and of all questions, Tomoko didn't expect that.

"I still have a semester left. There are math subjects I've failed that I have to take again. And you? Expecting to graduate this year?"

"I don't know. The teachers last term gave me incomplete grades and because of my leave I'd have to take the final exams to get a grade. Can't sleep?"

"When did we ever sleep like normal people?" she said, and Tomoki smiled at that.

"We haven't," he said.

"I still think I'm dreaming. I didn't expect them to just agree with this after all that before."

"Me neither. But it was a long time ago, isn't it? I think it was reasonable for her to be angry, we were younger then and maybe they had wanted to... protect us?" he said.

"I can't imagine, that you're actually saying that."

"Whatever. You'll be out my face by tomorrow anyway," he said, and turned her back to her and tried to sleep. She tried too, but couldn't.

"Do you remember the first time we did it?" she asked just to annoy him and to see how he'll react. He pressed his pillow over his ears and he made an irritated sound. He smacked her on the face with the pillow.

"Ouch," she said, and slammed the pillow back to him and he placed it under his head again.

"Go to sleep, dammit."

"I can't. You can't. I know what you're thinking. A girl and a boy alone, what else could we do?"

"Do you want me to throw you out the window? We're siblings, fucker."

Tomoko laughed so hard she almost cried at the irony.

"What made you use that word? I said so. It's what you're thinking. Come on, we aren't at home and no one's watching. Mom would approve," she said and Tomoki had a coughing fit for real, leaped out the bed, rushed to the bathroom to spit.

"You're still the same. I don't know anyone else who can say and do things that make me cringe so hard, I'm feeling sorry and embarrassed for you," he said from the bathroom.

"You don't have to be so overacting, you know? It's really simple! Like, hey, Tomoki, do me," she said, doing a parody of her own words, when they were foolish and careless all those years ago.

"You really want to, huh? Fine!" he said, slamming the bathroom door closed.

Tomoko's eyes nearly bulged out their sockets from shock. It was really like their first time, when her taunting finally made him agree. This told her this would be as worse as before. She closed her eyes, just waited but it took so long before he touched her. When he went back to bed, he only continued trying to sleep.

"You're such a troll," she said.

"I don't feel like doing it."

She signed, turned to face the wall, and then they fell asleep.

#

She dreamed. A hole that opened under her swallowed her and she was falling. She fell and fell, tumbling through the dark and empty air and something was pulling, pulling her down through hundreds of miles but it was like she was in a bottomless hole and she would fall forever. She glimpsed faces, of herself in color, of herself in black and white. She looked at her own hands but she was falling so fast that her skin looked like it was fading to nothing, gradually turning black. She hit the ground, and saw that she was in the middle of nowhere. The sky was bright white and the ground was flat grey concrete stretching in all directions. She walked and ran, but it was like she didn't move at all from where she dropped, the place didn't change and there was nothing beyond. This was a prison.

A letter appeared in the sky, a lone A. Lightning flashed, thunder followed, and the sky was soon full of letters and sentences, all dense, dark, foreboding. They wrote themselves, unrolling like ribbons in the sky and somewhere in there was something saying, the world is ending because this is the end. Then, it started to rain. It didn't rain water but black ink as the letters in the sky disintegrated. The drops became heavier now, like stones pelting her. They splattered on the ground and soon it was a storm. The ink rain began to rise and it was turning into flood, first reaching her ankles but soon reached her knees. She saw that the ink dissolved her skin like strong acid. It burned, but she could not scream or run, the thick ink formed ink-hands pulling her feet down and making her drown. She was dying. She was never real, and soon the ink reached her face and she let out a scream but found she had no mouth...

#

Tomoki slapped her and she woke up.

"What was that for?!" she said, holding her face.

"You were saying something in your sleep and you wouldn't wake up. You weren't breathing. I thought you were dying in your sleep."

"Nothing. It was a bad dream."

"About what?"

"Drowning. I don't want to sleep again," she said and saw that the time was 3:34 in the morning. He turned his back to her and slept again. She hugged him from behind and he didn't mind, or maybe he was too sleepy to mind. She was holding on to someone and something real to calm herself from the dream. She was still trembling with fear from a nightmare that threatened her sense of reality.

"It was only a dream," Tomoki said. Three years they were away from each other, and that was equivalent to a thousand days they were apart: and she still wasn't convinced that it was for real now, Tomoki was staying. It wouldn't be perfect, but of all the things that were impossible in her life the one thing she wanted was now here and she still couldn't believe it.

"Tomoki, is this for real? You really won't leave anymore? That you'll stay? You know you can leave anytime if you don't want it anymore and that will be okay with me. I've thought about it, I mean I like this, and as for me I wish this won't change but I just want you to know that if it doesn't work anyone of us can leave, but can you promise that we still won't change? That we're brother and sister –" She stopped speaking when Tomoki pushed her away, so he can face her. He kissed her, to shut her up.

"Stop it. I mean it, I'll stay," he said, looking at her right in the eyes and Tomoko scolded herself inside for even suggesting it could be over when they were only starting again. The next thing that happened was waiting to happen, it started at how they held each other, and the moment their lips met after the years they haven't, and she cried for no reason because she can feel him, it was all real, as she was trying to convince herself it was. Tomoki broke it off and asked, "Why the fuck are you crying?" and he held her face in both his hands and wiped the tears off her face with his thumbs, tracing fans of wet tears on her skin. She disliked these reactions and emotions she can't control.

"Nothing, I'm just glad it's real. Tomoki, I want –" you, all of you, don't ever go again. His hands slipped under her shirt and he stripped her bare and she didn't mind, she felt a bit ashamed when she pulled down and kicked off her own shorts but then soon she found she didn't care at all. She flinched and looked away from him as he kissed her lips, her breasts, her sex; then she heard him undressing. In the early morning dark, the color of everything seemed to be washed in midnight blue. She touched him, his shoulders, arms, trying to feel what has changed and he's more beautiful than what she can remember, that she felt ugly again as she looked down herself.

In their joining, her senses were invaded with his lips and his eyes; it was all so slow and silent because that's how they used to do this. They were still fumbling, awkward, and unsure. There was still a trace of guilt that she imagined won't entirely go away. They knew each other – better than they did anyone else. Nothing else seemed to matter as she held him close and breathed in his scent. All the words they didn't know how to say translated themselves to touch and breath, and this is what she had longed for, to be wanted, held, loved. Tomoki clutched at her hair and whispered neechan as he let go and it made her cringe and feel so dirty, but then they kissed again and it didn't matter.

Tomoki left the bed to go to the bathroom, and she dressed again. He came back to sit on the bed and put on his clothes. She still couldn't sleep, and he also couldn't. They both sat on the bed with their backs to the wall, watching the window, waiting for sunrise.

"That felt different," she said.

"How?"

"Just different. You know, I don't think we can do that at home even if it's okay with them for us to be together. I don't think we can do it here again either."

Tomoki got the pillow and slapped her on the face with it. "Is that all you think of? It won't happen again for awhile."

"What? Don't you want to do that even just sometimes?" she asked, and he smacked the pillow on her face again.

"Remember the last time?" he asked.

"Of course. I understand what you mean... just... I know we can't be like other people," she said, and saw that the life ahead would not be that easy. This was their choice, and they had to live with it. Even if this was natural to them, it was still outside what most other people perceived as right and proper. She had written before, no one has to know what we do or what we don't do, we can have our own rules. She realized it would be difficult to keep it that way. This will not be easy. But now, he was with her, and that made things not as hard as they seemed.

#

The sun rose, filling the room with warm sunlight and a bright promise of a new day. The view of the sky was beautiful from here and he realized he had almost never noticed it because he saw it before by his window every day. He was still awake, sitting on his bed, his sister softly snoring with her head under his arm. The early sun was casting soft honey-colored light to her face, and she woke up, Tomoki watching her green, green eyes glinting gold in the light. She rubbed her eyes and face, and then yawned.

"You're going home later. Fix your shit and get out," he said and left the bed. She slid down the bed to sleep again. They took turns in the shower and left the dorm to eat breakfast in a WcDonald's branch near the school. They had pancakes and coffee. Tomoko had to go before lunch, so they had a few more hours to wander around. They passed by the spot where Tomoki had his accident long ago, and then they rode the bus, wandered around the familiar beaches Tomoki has gone around with his friend. No one was swimming, the shoreline was empty except for them because the waves were violent, and the sky was gray, heavy with rain waiting to fall.

Tomoki looked at his phone and checked the time. "You have to go before the weather gets bad, if you want to reach home tonight."

They left again for the station, and Tomoki went with her. They crossed crowded streets, holding each other's hands so they could stay together amidst all the people. Students, workers, and employees each went their own way, and they were both part of the crowd, also finding their way. They finally reached the station when it started to rain. The sky went so dark as twilight even if it was noon. The rain was violent, pouring down with a loud, static-like sound. They waited for the train.

"Go straight home, okay? No more detours," he said.

"Yes. And wait for the rain to slow down before you go back, Tomoki. And will you go back home for the break? I might be graduating then," she said.

"I'll try."

The train arrived, and people started to go in. Before she went in, Tomoki pulled her close and kissed her on the forehead, to her surprise. She ran to the door before it closed. The door closed between them, her inside while Tomoki was outside. She couldn't help but smile, and he grinned back. They still looked at each other as the train started to leave. Tomoki waved goodbye, but soon the train speeded up and he was out of sight. Tomoko still smiled. She didn't feel as contented like this before.

#

"How was it, Tomoko?" her mother asked when she arrived home at sunset.

"Fine, Mom. But there was nothing to see there, the place is pretty much like any other place in this country," she answered. Her phone beeped, there was a message and she read it.

"Mom, Yuu-chan just texted, she's inviting me to go to the beach with Kotomi next week. Can I?"

"Of course. Did you ask Tomoki if he'll go home for the break?"

"He said he'll try," she said, and her mother smiled.

#

Things have not changed since Tomoki has left, but their home was much more relaxed than before. School went on as usual for Tomoko. Tomoki often called and now, they talk and laugh over the phone, in conversations only they can understand.

The first day of the school break, the doorbell rang and her mother asked Tomoko to answer it. She saw that Tomoki went home, and the first thing he did when he saw his Tomoko was grip his sister's head on his hand like the way he used to when he irritated her. She slapped his hand away, and held the arm that had been broken but is now healed. After that, they both smiled at each other, and embraced. Then they both went inside their house.

Their mother smiled too as she looked at them, she'd never seen them this happy. She found that she did not regret her choice of finally allowing them to be free.

End