Chapter Text
Makoto has always loved Haru. He didn’t know he’s been in love with Haru for quite that long, but the ground, the basis - the pure, unconditional love - has been there for as long as he can remember. In fact, Makoto doesn’t remember a time he hasn’t known Haru. They have been put together by their parents as toddlers already, and have spent so much time at each others’ houses that it almost feels like they’ve actually been living together.
Makoto has loved Haru before he knew what love was, and before he found out about the soulmarks. When he was little, things like that were trivial in his world. In some ways, he wishes the real world could be as simple as that of a child.
He was about eight when he first really noted the girls talking about soulmarks. Curious as he was, he asked, even though Haru practically implored him with his eyes not to get involved. All of them, even Aki, a girl who’s always been nice to Haru and him and who to Makoto appeared to be wise beyond her years, giggled.
“It’s marks you get after you’re an adult! They spell the name of your true love,” one of the girls explained to him, eyes wide open in seriousness.
“My mommy says it means you have a special bond with the person,” another girl intervened.
“It’s the same!”
“It’s not!”
“What if the other person has a different person as their mark?” Makoto asked, more in an attempt to prevent the beginning fight than anything else. He hadn’t even really understood what it meant to have a special bond, but he had always been the type to get along with everyone, and to try to keep tensions low.
“That’s impossible!” both girls replied at the same time, and Makoto was stunned by their insistence. It had to mean that they were right.
At that time, he didn’t know that it would haunt him years later.
He also remembers Aki, who later caught him in the door frame of the classroom. “I believe a soulmate can be a friend,” she said with her usual calm, knowing smile and gentle eyes.
“Really?”
“My mom tells me not to tell anybody, but I know you can keep secrets…” she leaned in conspiratorially, “My mom and dad aren’t soulmates, but they keep it hidden so people don’t annoy them.”
“Do parents have to be soulmates?” Makoto couldn’t remember his parents ever mentioning that and genuinely wondered.
“Mom says all people think so. But I’m sure it’s not true. I’m sure my soulmate is Miki, my best friend! We’re gonna be best friends forever!”
Makoto smiled at her, happy for his friend to have found such an important person.
“Isn’t it the same for you with Haru-chan?”
For a moment, Makoto didn’t know what to say. Was it? He knew he loved Haru very much - they have always been together, after all. But were they soulmates?
“I don’t know,” he said, shrugging. How could he possibly know that if he didn’t even really understand what a special bond was?
“Do you think you will always be together?”
“Yeah!” His answer was immediate. This was a question he definitely knew how to answer.
Aki smiled. “Then I’m sure you have a special bond.”
At that moment, Makoto believed her. And he believed for a long time. He believed so much, in fact, that it tangled with his core beliefs and became a part of him, a part of his future, because it was so sure.
Until Rin stormed into their lives and dragged back up all the ignored and disregarded issues and problems they had. When it was thanks to Rin that Haru opened up and became a better person, Makoto realized that he had been wrong all along. Because even if he thought Haru must be his soulmate, Makoto definitely, absolutely wasn’t Haru’s. And if he wasn’t Haru’s soulmate, then Haru also wasn’t his. Impossible.
Makoto is glad he got that wake-up call as early as he did. He is glad he didn’t make a fool of himself by acting on his erroneous assumptions. Now, at least, he could be friends with Haru without Haru ever finding out about the depth of his feelings.
Because if there is anything he has learned, it’s that one-sided love among friends ruins friendships. He still remembers, in tenth grade, Miki coming out of the girl’s restroom with puffy, red eyes and snot under her nose. He remembers how she and Aki suddenly never talked to each other anymore, how they were never seen together anymore, moving into different circles of friends. How Aki told him she felt terrible having to reject Miki, and how she thought it was best to keep a distance for a while, just for both of them to get over it.
That distance never closed.
Makoto knows that that’s how it usually goes, has seen it happen a couple more times, has seen it happen on TV all too often, and isn’t that a reflection of life? And so he had decided then, when Rin turned his life upside down and inside out, that he would never let Haru find out. He also decides never to get his soulmark, because if he knows anything to be true, then it is that he doesn’t want anyone but Haru. And if he can’t be with Haru as soulmates, then he’ll take any relationship with him that Haru will offer. As long as they will still be in each others’ lives, Makoto is fine with it, he decides.
And now, Makoto stands in the doorway to Haru and his living room in a nice three-room flat in Tokyo, two mugs in hand, and freezes at the sight of Haru sprawled on the couch with a magazine in hand.
Only now does it catch up to Makoto that they are really living together. Despite Rin, despite Haru becoming a professional swimmer. He still chose to room with Makoto. And Makoto feels his resolve to close up and bury his feelings wane. The domesticity, the way Haru not-quite smiles at him sometimes, it’s all suddenly so overwhelming that Makoto doesn’t know how to reign in the sudden rush of giddiness bubbling under his skin.
He probably hesitates for a moment too long, because Haru looks up at him from over the backrest of the dark couch, raising a brow.
“Sorry, I thought I remembered something,” Makoto lies. Lying about this comes easy to him now.
He makes his way over to the couch and puts the mugs on the coffee table in front of it. Haru automatically pulls his feet away to make room for Makoto, but lets them fall gently onto Makoto’s lap once he’s seated.
Makoto tries to ignore that insistent voice inside his head that urges him to confess everything, but it’s so loud, he can’t focus. So he picks up the book he’s currently reading from the coffee table and opens it to the page with the bookmark. After reading the same line for the fourth time half a page later, however, he gives up and takes a sip of his green tea. It’s still hot, but has cooled enough not to burn, and it reminds him of the relaxed, calm evenings back home, when Ran and Ren were already asleep. How he and Haru sometimes just sat at the table in the living room with their mugs of green tea, doing nothing. They hadn’t felt like talking was necessary, and they still often feel that way - and there it is again, that bubbling under his skin. He itches to get rid of it, but that is only possible if he voices what he has silenced for years. He isn’t sure he even knows how to do that anymore.
When he looks up at Haru, Haru is already looking back at him, and it should be embarrassing because Makoto isn’t saying anything, isn’t planning on saying anything, and he knows it’s not normal to just stare at your best friend, but Haru seems to be doing the same thing, and Makoto feels at ease doing it, brushing it off as something they just do sometimes.
Until Haru raises his brow again. “What’s with you tonight?”
Haru actually voicing his concerns is unusual, and Makoto knows that Haru noticed something is up with him. Haru has always been perceptive, the type to observe and make conclusions all by himself. Makoto’s been lucky Haru’s never picked up on Makoto’s feelings before. He can’t help but let his eyes flicker to Haru’s blank wrist.
“Do you ever want to get your soulmark?”
As soon as he’s asked the question, his stomach flips and he feels that unique sensation of horror freezing his heart, and Haru doesn’t make it at all easier by looking at him with a thoughtful expression on his face.
“No, I don’t need it. You’re over-thinking things again.”
Makoto reigns in a sigh of relief, but still lets slip a smile. Just to reassure Haru everything’s okay, he tells himself. Then Haru’s wording sinks in, and Makoto can’t help but mull it over, even though he knows Haru is still watching him.
Haru said he doesn’t need it. But no need for something doesn’t mean he doesn’t want something like it. It could also mean that he’s already found it. And just like that, Makoto’s heart suddenly speeds up. What if Haru actually already knows and actually feels the same? Makoto doesn’t want to let himself hope, but he guesses it’s something one can’t prevent from happening.
And just like that, Makoto suddenly doubts his decision to keep this huge thing to himself. Haru has been his best friend all his life, so what if he’s in love with him? Haru will understand. Haru won’t just kick him out of his life. As long as Makoto doesn’t demand a relationship, they should be fine, right? And what if they are, after all, soulmates? What if what Haru means is actually that he doesn’t need a soulmark because he already knows it’s going to be Makoto?
Makoto opens his mouth to finally, finally say what has been slumbering in his heart for so many years-
when the doorbell suddenly rings and Makoto jumps. Flustered, he checks the clock hanging on the wall above the TV. Ten-sixteen. Who could it be this late?
“I’ll get it,” he says and gets up, dumping Haru’s legs back on the couch.
The way to the front door is short, just through the living room door and turning to the left, so Makoto is there in a matter of seconds. He doesn’t even remember to look through the peephole and just opens it.
Only to freeze for a second time, this time including his blood.
“Rin?”
Rin is standing in front of him, shy smile on his lips. His red hair is still long, tied back with a band, and he’s only wearing a black hoodie, testimony of the much warmer weather at the moment. He rubs at his neck, obviously nervous, and that’s when Makoto notices the black lines on the inside of his wrist and his heart sinks and his stomach flips, as if gravity lifted for a brief moment, only to follow up with a sudden, strong pull. Haru-
“Hi, Makoto. I was wondering - oh hi, Haru!”
Haru has abandoned his place on the couch and actually come to the door, looking as surprised as Makoto at first, and it’s Haru’s presence that reminds Makoto of his manners.
“Right, why don’t you come in?” Makoto says and steps to the side. He hopes his steps don’t look as wobbly as he feels, and that his smile doesn’t look fake, because it feels plastic to him. He wishes the world could stop spinning so fast right now.
“Actually, Makoto, could I-”
“Sure, I’ll give you a moment-” Makoto says hurriedly and almost makes to leave the two of them alone, but the way Rin is still looking at him suggests that that is not what Rin has asked for.
“Er, I wanted to talk to you.” Rin looks nervous again. He’s fidgeting and looking back and forth between Makoto and Haru. Strangely, it calms Makoto back down a little.
“Okay?”
Rin turns fully to Haru this time when he speaks. “Could you give us a moment?” Makoto has never been more confused in his life.
Haru seems to look as bored as ever, but Makoto can see how his expression turns a little stony, a little guarded. Still, he nods briefly and trots back into the living room, closing the door behind him and leaving Makoto alone with Rin in the entryway.
With Haru gone, Makoto suddenly feels his nervousness intensify tenfold. He doesn’t know what to expect now. He was sure Rin has come to claim Haru as his soulmate. He was sure that those marks around his wrist are soulmarks. But why would Rin want to talk to him then?
“I, er, don’t know if you’ve gone and got your soulmark yet, but I have,” Rin starts, and Makoto has trouble understanding him over the sound of his rushing blood.
“And, well, judging by your reaction before, I guess you didn’t - but, uh. Well. What I’m trying to say is…”
Rin takes a deep breath, closes and opens his eyes, and smiles shyly at Makoto.
“You’re my soulmate.” He offers his wrist to Makoto.
Makoto’s standing beside himself. At least that’s what it feels like. He isn’t really sure what’s happening anymore, and he can see Rin’s mouth moving, but he isn’t really consciously taking in what he’s saying.
“- so, I guess, it’d be nice if we could, you know, do something together. To get to know each other- I mean, I know you, but… you get-”
Makoto is still staring at Rin’s soulmark, holding Rin’s wrist in place. His name isn’t very long - just three kanji, so it doesn’t take all that much space on Rin’s wrist. But it’s definitely his, Makoto’s, name. Despite Rin’s tan, it’s still very prominent.
“Uh, Makoto?”
He drops Rin’s arm as if burned and his head snaps up. As if he’s done something forbidden, or rude.
“Sorry, what was that?”
“We should hang out sometime, just…” Rin makes a small, flaily gesture with his hand, “you know.”
Makoto doesn’t know, but he finds himself smiling uneasily, hoping it looks like a normal smile.
“Yeah,” he finds himself agreeing. Because he knows it’s expected of him. Because if Rin has his name on his wrist, Makoto inevitably has Rin’s on his.
“Tomorrow evening sound good?” Rin asks, pushing his hands into the pockets on his hoodie and pushing down so it stretches.
“Yeah,” he replies again, for lack of other words. His brain still hasn’t quite caught up with the situation, and he has a feeling he doesn’t really want to ever catch up with it. “Great! We’ll text when exactly and where, okay? Well, then- I’ll just,” Rin says, walks over to the living room door and opens it to briefly say goodbye to Haru, then flashes Makoto a small smile before leaving with a “Bye! See ya tomorrow!”
When Makoto settles back down on the couch, he’s still dazed. He wants to ask Haru if this is all a dream, but he knows he won’t get the answer he wants, so he doesn’t. Haru is curled up on his side of the couch, and Makoto already misses the weight of his legs on his lap.
The next day, Makoto wakes feeling restless. He wants to deny that it has anything to do with the arranged meeting with Rin today, but he can’t stop being consciously aware of it.
“What are you burning?” Haru asks from the doorway to the kitchen, and immediately, Makoto notices the burning smell coming from the frying pan in front of him.
“Ah!” He barely manages to abort his jerky movement of his hand holding the pan, or the whole thing would have gone flying, including its contents - fried, or rather, burned eggs. He carefully moves the pan to the side, away from the heat, and only then breathes a sigh of relief. Which is very short-lived.
“Oh no…” He looks down at the black and brown waste he just produced. In no way is that salvageable.
He’s never been a great cook - that’s something Haru likes doing from time to time. But he has, over the past few years, at least learned how to make basic food - he can fry eggs and cook potatoes and prepare fish, and other basic things. So it’s frustrating when these basic things don’t work out. He hates being confronted with his past incompetence, mainly because he thought he’s past that.
Haru wordlessly comes over, takes the frying pan from Makoto’s hand and pushes Makoto towards the table, onto a chair. Then Haru proceeds to take a couple eggs out of the fridge and begins to make new fried eggs that Makoto knows will turn out perfectly fine.
The window is already open, but burning smell is persistent and always takes a while to disappear. Makoto knows from experience. They’ll have to endure that smell for now.
He hates feeling useless, when he’s supposed to be the one who helps out.
He shakes his head to shake off that thought. No. He’s grateful he can rely on Haru to help him out from time to time, and that it’s reciprocal. If he’s honest with himself, he still feels a little lost without Haru. He doesn’t know what he’d do if they weren’t still together, and he doesn’t want to think about the implications of Rin’s soulmark.
Haru finishes the eggs without further incident and serves them both the breakfast Makoto wanted to serve.
He manages a weak smile for Haru. “Thanks.”
Haru, as often, doesn’t reply, just starts eating quietly. But Makoto, who usually fills the silence with news about their friends or his plans - which Haru pretends not to care about but secretly does - doesn’t follow their usual pattern.
Haru clears his throat. It sounds out of place in their silence.
“Any news from Nagisa?”
Makoto pokes at his egg with his fork, doesn’t look up at Haru properly because he doesn’t think he can fake another cheerful smile when Haru is watching.
“Oh, the usual. He and Rei went to a cat café yesterday, apparently. They liked it a lot.”
The story had sounded like so much fun and Makoto has been fondly exasperated at their friends’ shenanigans when he read the long texts about it from Nagisa. Now, he can’t quite recall that feeling that suddenly appears so distant. He doesn’t offer any more details.
More silence passes, and Makoto is desperately aware that he’s not himself, that Haru has noticed. But he can’t quite find the words to have a normal conversation, as if he suddenly lost his ability to form sentences.
He wonders if his days with Haru are numbered now.
Throughout the morning, Haru keeps glancing at Makoto, expecting something - an explanation or apology, or maybe a confession. But Makoto looks away every time without responding.
Lunch is an even quieter affair. Haru doesn’t even try to get Makoto to talk, and Makoto desperately tries to come up with something to say, but before he knows it, they have finished eating and doing the dishes, and are on their way to the living room.
Since they haven’t planned anything for today, they would usually just relax, reading or watching something, sometimes playing games on the playstation. But Makoto feels off kilter, and feels like he’s forgotten how to act normal, so he sits down stiffly, and doesn’t really comprehend what he is reading.
Only around three in the afternoon does Makoto begin to relax again, his body too exhausted from his constant tension. Haru seems to pick up on it - he sends Makoto less of those worriedly expectant glances and more just expectant ones. Though what he is expecting, Makoto doesn’t know.
At around four Makoto has calmed down so much he lets Haru rest against his shoulder. It feels familiar and grounding, and Makoto wishes they could stay like that forever.
His mobile buzzes and immediately, his calm evaporates again. His heart feels heavy and his stomach lurches.
He bends forward to pick up his phone from the table, and it causes Haru to move away from him.
It’s a message from Rin. Of course it’s from Rin. He’d said he’d message Makoto. And yet, it’s still like someone emptied a bucket full of icy water over his head.
Rin is suggesting meeting around six at the Shinjuku station, and although Makoto’s got nothing left but to agree, he stares entirely too long at the screen before he actually does so.
When he leans back again, he glances over at Haru, who’s curled up in his corner again, like yesterday, looking back at him with something in his eyes Makoto can’t quite decipher.
It looks a lot like disappointment.
When Makoto arrives about twenty minutes early, a relatively strong wind has picked up, and he is grateful for it after standing in a packed train and collectively sweating with all fellow passengers. He doesn’t think Rin is already there, but then he spots the familiar redhead near the exit, leaning against the wall and looking down on his phone.
The first thing Makoto notices is how Rin is wearing his long, dark-olive cotton pants, and he wonders if being in Australia for so long and so frequently gives you heat resistance. For a brief moment, it distracts him from his nerves and he squeezes through the crowd until he reaches Rin.
“Hi.”
Rin immediately snaps his head up and puts his phone into stand-by. He grins up at Makoto, his sharp teeth showing. “Hey, Makoto. You’re early.” He doesn’t really sound surprised. “You too.” Makoto tries to smile back as good as he can, even though it feels like he’s failing in that task.
Rin laughs and rubs at his neck. “Yeah, my train arrives at this time.”
Makoto doubts he couldn’t have taken a later train and still be in time, but he can’t really judge when he’s early himself, now, can he?
“Yeah… Did you have a plan, or are we deciding on the fly what we’re doing?” Makoto asks, pushing his hands into the pockets of his shorts, so they are occupied.
“Ah! Right, I do have a plan! I thought, so we can talk better, we could start with going somewhere to eat, so I thought we’d grab a seat at Manzoku.”
“Okay.”
They smile nervously at each other before they both start walking nearly at the same time. The walk to the restaurant is a little awkward, with Rin trying to make small talk - he even comments on the weather once. Though when Makoto asks about Gou and Rin’s mother, the conversation starts flowing a lot easier. Thankfully, the walk to the restaurant isn’t all that long and before they know it, they’re already there and seated.
It’s not a fancy restaurant and rather small, but they are lucky to get a small table at the window. Makoto tries to stall for time by going through the menu thoroughly, and Rin doesn’t seem to notice much because he’s also still perusing the menu. It’s almost like Rin is as nervous and without plan as Makoto is.
They finally order two soups.
“So… how’s university life? How’s Haru?” Rin asks, pushing the hair that escaped his band behind his ear. Of course it would be about Haru. Makoto feels like Haru is all they have in common. Still, he replies without any real hesitation.
“It’s going pretty well, though it can be hard at university. There’s a lot to learn and study, and exam period is hell, but it’s totally worth it in the end. As for Haru… well, you know Haru. He’s still doing his best at swimming and his trainer, Maeda-sensei, is very dedicated. It wouldn’t surprise me if his training regime gets stepped up to six days a week any time soon.”
Makoto replies without any real hesitation because he finds it easy to talk about Haru. He can probably always talk about Haru, and he will never run out of things to say about him. Sometimes he fears he’s a little too obsessed, too narrowed on Haru. But he can’t help it - Haru has been such a big part of his life for as long as he can remember.
“So you’re still pursuing the teacher career, huh? Haru and me aren’t the only dedicated ones, it seems.” Rin grins again, this time looking a lot less shy and nervous than at the station. “I guess I need to step up my game as well, if I want to compete with Haru!”
It gets a little quiet again, and Rin probably notices too that they haven’t really talked about what they should be talking about. Not that Makoto is very inclined to talk about it, but even if he’s afraid and reluctant, he knows it has to be done. And he knows he has to tell Rin the truth, even if it’s his most guarded secret. That much, he feels, he owes Rin.
It’s just that he doesn’t know how to begin.
Fortunately, Rin has always been blunt and direct. Even though today, he hasn’t really shown that quality of his yet. Until now.
“Makoto,” he starts and pauses as if collecting his thoughts, “I think we should talk about the soulmark.”
Makoto hasn’t forgotten. He’s just been trying not to look at Rin’s arm. But now that Rin mentions it, Makoto’s eyes immediately find the black characters against Rin’s tan skin. They still spell out Tachibana Makoto very clearly and unequivocally.
“Right.”
It’s then that they are interrupted by a waiter bringing their soups. However, it doesn’t derail Rin from his intention. Once the waiter is gone, he starts again.
“I… I don’t know how to tell you this.” Rin starts fiddling with his fingers and looking down at them. “But when I went to get my soulmark, I really wasn’t expecting it to be you.”
This time, Makoto is smiling in earnest, because that’s something he agrees with. He would have never thought that Rin and him might be soulmates. They have got on well with each other, but still, Rin is so different. Makoto has always thought that Haru couldn’t possibly be bis soulmate because he was sure Haru’s soulmate was Rin and Rin’s Haru. But now that Rin’s soulmate isn’t Haru, Makoto feels betrayed. Not by Rin or Haru, but by fate. So many of the people he knows that got their soulmarks have got predictable matches. It’s almost always someone already in their lives. A minority, of course not too small, matched with people they hadn’t met yet. But even those matches were often explainable.
But Makoto can’t explain this.
“I can’t fault you, I wouldn’t have thought that either.”
Rin grins at him. “To be honest, I wasn’t really thinking about anyone when I got my mark, or at least I thought I wasn’t expecting anyone. But when your name was revealed, I was very surprised. I thought you and Haru, you know.”
Makoto can feel his smile freeze, though he hopes Rin won’t notice.
“But…” To Makoto, Rin looks like he’s closing in for the final kill. “Even though I was surprised, I think it’s actually a good thing, and I’d like to try this.”
“Right.”
Makoto doesn’t know what to reply to that. He knows he needs to tell Rin the truth, but now that Rin looks so hopeful, Makoto also doesn’t want to upset him. Impossible, rings in his head, said in unison in the voice of little school girls.
Rin is raising his brows. “You don’t look very happy. Is something wrong?”
Makoto tries to unfreeze his smile by making it brighter. “I’m fine, it’s fine.”
Rin still looks doubtful, but he proceeds to take a slurp of his soop. “Have you decided when to get your soulmark yet?”
“I have to tell you the truth.” Makoto can’t help it, it just pours out of him. He isn’t sure if it’s because he feels cornered, or because he thinks it’s wrong not to tell him in this situation. Or maybe because he doesn’t want to be pushed into this by force. Because if he’s learned something, it’s that he has to make his decisions on his own terms.
“I’m in love with Haru.”
Rin blinks at him. Then blinks some more. “You…”
“I’ve been for a long time, okay, but I always thought there’s no way we’d be soulmates, so I never- I don’t want to get my soulmark. I want to be with Haru any way I can.”
Makoto sees the irritation in Rin’s frown before Rin replies. “Wow, that’s just- That’s mad. And now you know you’re my soulmate and you still- what’s wrong with you?!”
Makoto actually flinches at Rin’s rising tone and flinches again when Rin abruptly stands.
Rin breathes out heavily before continuing in a much calmer voice. “I can’t- I need to go.”
And with that Rin storms out of the restaurant, leaving Makoto with their cooling soups.