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She had been standing there for the past five minutes. Booted feet stood centimeters apart, never twitching as Fareeha continued to stare at the door in front of her. Her breathing was soft as she tried to clear away the lingering thoughts in her mind.
There was a jangling of keys. It all seemed like a blur as she unlocked the door, the scent of warm food greeting her with the first step inside. Fareeha smiled at the boy sitting on the floor. Falke had picked up a new habit of waiting for her to come home. Usually he’d sit near the door with a coloring book. Today he just had plain paper, a big green crayon in his hand coloring the grass in his picture.
The crayon dropped to the floor, rolling away to some forgotten place. “Fafa!” Falke was quick to get off the ground, hugging Fareeha’s legs in the next instant. “You’re back!”
Fareeha reached down, picking up the boy in one swoop. “I am back!” She twirled him around, kissing his chubby cheek when she stopped. “Is it me or has my boy gotten even more handsome since I’ve been gone?”
“Um…” Falke took the time to think over the question. He leaned back in Fareeha’s arms, trying to see his face in the mirror hanging in the hallway. “I look the same, Fafa.”
“You do?” Fareeha blinked in mock surprise. She leaned over to look in the mirror with him. “Would you look at that. You do!”
“I told you so.” Falke giggled when Fareeha ruffled his hair.
Small steps sounded from the kitchen as Angela poked her head out of the doorway. She stood quiet, just watching her family for a moment. Her lips were upturned in a sad smile. Her eyes were already damp, a tint of red framing them.
Fareeha noticed her wife right away. She spent a little more time entertaining her son, watching from the corner of her eye the way Angela tried to hold back her tears.
“I’ve got a job for you Falke.”
The boy beamed up at her, excited for the task at hand. “What is it?”
Fareeha put Falke down, smiling at the way he pouted. “Dinner smells almost ready, so I need you to go wash your hands.”
And Falke hung his head, letting out the biggest sigh his little five-year-old lungs could muster. “Do I have to?”
“Absolutely.” The sight of her son sighing again, turning around slowly to drag himself to the bathroom made Fareeha grin. It disappeared when Angela reached out for her hand, pulling her into a tight embrace. She instinctually ran her fingers through loose blond hair. It never failed to comfort her wife.
Angela released a pent-up sigh into Fareeha’s uniform, inhaling the scent of smoke in the next breath. Her hands traveled up Fareeha’s arms, stopping when fingers felt the texture of rolled up sleeves. Feeling the warm skin always calmed her down. It was a reminder that, at least for today, Fareeha was still with them. Still smiling and laughing and giving all the love she had.
“How are you?”
Blue eyes closed at the sound of Fareeha’s voice. “There’s no more meat left.” She let her hands wander, finally letting them settle again at the small of Fareeha’s back.
“I’ll get some more before I pick up Falke from my mother’s tomorrow.” A timer dinged from the kitchen. Fareeha placed her chin on top of Angela’s head, smelling the food from where they stood. “What smells so good?”
“Rice, beans and the last of the chicken.” She squeezed her arms tighter around Fareeha. “Do you think you could get some chocolate too?” It was a long stretch to ask for but Fareeha was always good with bargaining.
“Yes,” She paused, taking a deep breath. “Anything you want.”
Their little bubble burst when Angela felt little droplets of water hitting her legs. Falke was shaking his hand wildly, mischievously splashing his mother. “I was with Fafa first, Mama.” He tried to wedge his little body between the two of them.
Angela giggled at the attempt. She picked him up, laughing when he tried to reach for Fareeha. “You have to share Spätzli or else Mama will get jealous.”
Falke buried his face in Angela’s shoulder, face red with embarrassment. “Sorry, Mama.”
Angela started walking them to the kitchen, fingers already weaving through her son’s hair. “It’s okay. We both love Fafa and that’s all that matters.” She sat Falke down on one of the chairs. Fareeha was at her side in an instant, helping with setting up the table.
It wasn’t that big of a table. It was round, only having four chairs. One of the chairs was uneven. That one was Falke’s favorite because he could rock around in it.
That’s where he sat now, smiling at the sight of Fareeha leaning down to kiss Angela at the counter.
-
Fareeha worked on unrolling her sleeve, boots thumping along the uneven street as she walked. Her right fist clenched from the burning pain of the cut on her arm. For now, it was best to try and ignore it. Any show of weakness painted a target on her back. She already had enough trouble for the day.
Her steps slowed to a stop at the back of the long line for the grocery store. A few droplets of sweat fell down the side of her face as she waited. It was hot. The stinging in her arm kept trying to grab her attention, along with the blistering pain of her sore feet. But she stood there, letting the time tick by as the line moved at a maddeningly slow speed.
There were three kids playing on the street. Two of them furiously tried to steal the ball from the other, the third running alongside them, happy to tag along. They didn’t look a day older than Falke.
Must have taken them out of school. Her eyes left the children, taking to just staring and everything and nothing. It was a small reprieve to let her mind wander.
“What’d you need today, Amari?”
Fareeha blinked out of her wandering thoughts at the question from the man at the counter. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a card. It had a couple of holes punched into it, small speckles of blood scattered along the blue material. “If you have any chicken.”
The man waved to someone in the back, signaling something. “That all?”
They weren’t hard to spot. Sitting on the behind the glass of the counter were two chocolate bars stacked on top of each other. Fareeha eyed them, fingers already reaching into another pocket. “The chocolate.”
The man crossed his arms, shaking his head. He was already moving the chocolate out of view. “You already used up your holepunch for that.”
Fareeha pulled out the pack of cigarettes her fingers were touching. Military issued. She never used them, but that didn’t stop her from coming home smelling like them. “You sure?” She slid the pack through the small window.
The man quickly pulled the chocolate bars back out, pushing them through the same window the cigarettes came from. “My mistake.” Fareeha just smiled. She gave him an appreciate nod before pocketing the chocolate.
The worker from the back came walking through a side door, handing Fareeha the meat she requested. She thanked him before heading down the street again.
-
One, two, three, four, five. Five knocks and then she waited. Fareeha busied herself with keeping her feet moving, alternating between standing on one and then the other. It might have looked a bit ridiculous but it was a good distraction from the pain.
An older woman opened the door, a pair of small eyes poking out from behind her. “Fareeha!” Ana brought her fidgeting daughter in for a hug, Falke joining her by squeezing one of her legs. “We were waiting for you.”
Fareeha didn’t get a chance to say anything before she was pulled inside. Ana had led her to the kitchen, tea already prepared on the similarly small table. Falke had detached himself from her leg the instant he saw the three tea cups, running off to the living room to avoiding drinking the stuff.
“You sure you raised that boy?” Ana picked up the tea pot, pouring a cup for Fareeha and herself. “If you even mention tea, he just runs off.”
Fareeha had learned long ago that it was a hopeless endeavor to get Falke to drink tea. She was impressed her mother still tried. “He might grow out of it.” She sat down in one of the three chairs and placed the package of chicken on the table, taking extra care not to move much when she heard the groan of aging wood. Both hands reached for the hot cup of tea, worried eyes busying themselves with looking around the kitchen as she took small sips of the drink. “How are you? Do you need any more food?”
Ana hummed, taking a sip from her cup. “I’m fine, Fareeha.”
Fareeha focused back on her mother. “They’re going to be cutting rations next week.”
“And I’ll be fine when that happens.” She put her cup down. “I don’t need to eat so much in my old age.” Ana got up from her chair. Small steps led her to the other side of the kitchen. “Which reminds me…” She opened the refrigerator, pulling out a big package. “This is for you.”
Fareeha took the package, eyes widening when she read it was labeled ‘lamb’. She tried to push it back. “I can’t take this.”
Ana just shook her head. “Please, I want you to have it. Our little Fafa has been wanting some.”
It was a deep sigh that left her lips. One filled with guilt, pain, and fatigue. “Thank you.” Shaking hands took the package, placing it next to the chicken on the table. She froze when her mother took hold of her wrists, gentle thumbs stroking the shivering away.
“I should be asking if you’re okay.” Unshed tears coated her eye.
“I…” Fareeha tried to look away, gasping when Ana yanked on her wrist to keep her gaze. “I have most of the money.” She grit her teeth, willing away the fear that kept her awake at night. “I don’t know if I’ll have enough time to get the rest.”
“You will.”
It was a struggle to stay standing straight. To show her bravest when all she wanted in that moment was to hold her mother tight and cry until she had no more tears left to give. “They’ll give me more if I go out there.”
“Fareeha…” Ana could feel the cold burning rushing through her skull. Right now, she was looking at a woman desperate to do anything to keep her family safe. And there was no power in the world that could stop her.
Falke came walking into the kitchen, a bored expression on his face. “Can we go home, Fafa?”
“Yes, yes. I’m sure Mama’s tired of waiting for us.” Fareeha gently pulled her wrists away from her mother’s grasp, noticing the lack of resistance. She gave Ana a wide smile, leaning in for quick peck on the cheek. “Stay safe.”
And she left, one hand holding onto Falke’s, her other arm carrying the meat.
They were walking by a park when Falke started to pull on her arm. He pointed with excitement towards the swings, wanting so badly to go and play.
“Let’s go, Fafa!” He tried to pull Fareeha towards the park, failing miserably in the process.
Fareeha considered it. If it wasn’t for the packages she was carrying, she’d say yes. “Maybe some other time.”
“We never go anymore.” Chubby cheeks puffed out in a pout. He crossed his arms and pointedly looked away.
Of course, the little act made her feel guilty. She was always busy. Being a volunteer soldier meant that they slammed her with anything and everything everyone was too busy to do. But she put up with it, the food benefits and the fact that she actually got paid made it all worth it.
“I’ll take you with Mama tomorrow.” Tomorrow she started her night watch. They could spend the day together. She’d worry about trying to readjust her sleeping schedule later. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out one of the chocolate bars. Fareeha broke it in half, handing Falke the candy. “Here.”
Falke took a curious glance in Fareeha’s direction his face lightening up when he saw the chocolate. All was forgiven. He let Fareeha take his hand again. “Okay, tomorrow.”
When they get home, Falke’s face is a chocolate mess. He had managed to smear it on both cheeks. His little eyes lit up at the sight of Angela standing in the kitchen doorway. His little feet started in a run and he basically tried to climb his mother in his excitement.
Angela giggled at the enthusiasm and picked him up. “What this on your face?” She wet her thumb and rubbed at his cheek. “Chocolate?”
“Fafa gave it to me.”
Her eyes flickered to Fareeha still standing at the front door. What caught her attention was the chocolate bar her wife held. When Fareeha started walking towards her, she tried to reach for the chocolate only to grab nothing but air as Fareeha ducked out of the way.
“I’m holding this hostage.” Fareeha was quick to walk into the kitchen, putting the meat away in the fridge.
“What do you want for it?” Falke giggled in Angela’s arms at the exchange.
Fareeha crossed her arms, leaning against the counter. “You tell me.”
“I’ll give you one kiss for it.”
“Just one?” The chocolate bar was tossed in the air, Fareeha catching it before it could pass her hip on the way down. “I don’t like the sound of that.”
“Two.” Angela took a step closer.
“Mmm, I think you can do better than that.”
“Ten kisses!” shouted Falke. “Mama will give you ten kisses and then you will give Mama the candy.”
“You heard him, ten. Take it or leave it.”
“Guess I don’t have a choice.” Fareeha pushed off the counter, leaning in for the first of her ten kisses as she slid the chocolate bar into Angela’s hand. “Although, I would have done it for one.”
Angela gasped in mock surprise at how her wife managed to bamboozle nine more kisses out of her. “You hear that Spätzli? Fafa tricked me.”
“That’s not nice, Fafa.” Falke was giggling.
“Not nice at all.” Angela reached out a hand, resting it on Fareeha’s arm as she leaned in for the second kiss. She stopped at the look of pain on Fareeha’s face.
“Spätzli,” Angela put Falke down. “Go get cleaned up.” She wiped a thumb across his cheek to remind him of the chocolate still there. “And bring back a wet washcloth for me when you’re done.”
Falke just nodded and quickly ran off to do as he was asked.
“Show me.” Angela kept her eyes trained on Fareeha’s arm, watching as more and more of the cut was revealed. “Come on.” She extended her hand, waiting for Fareeha to take it. When rough fingers curled around her own, Angela began walking them towards the living room.
She gently coaxed Fareeha to sit on the couch, taking the cushion next to her. Careful fingers outlined the gash, eyebrows knitting at the injury. “What happened?” Soft words didn’t leave their little bubble on the couch.
And it was hard to even explain. She knew why it happened. People were desperate and soldiers always got to eat. “There was a man. He came at me with a knife.” He wanted her ration card. “He told me he hadn’t eaten in a week. That he was sorry.”
Angela started unbuttoning Fareeha’s uniform. She took special care not to irritate the cut when she began to pull it off. A shiver ran down her spine as she thought about what happened. What could have happened. It intensified when warm hands brought her fingers to rest on Fareeha’s black t-shirt, right above her heart.
“Hey.” Fareeha felt those shaking fingers clawing at her shirt, trying to feel through the material. “I’m still here.”
Little footsteps came bounding into the room, stopping short in front of the couch.
“Fafa, when did you get hurt?” Falke handed Angela the wet cloth. His little eyebrows furrowed as he tried to get a better look at the cut.
Fareeha moved one of her hands to shake through the curls of the boy’s hair. “Don’t worry about it, little Fafa.” She watched as Falke climbed into her lap, resting his head on her shoulder.
And she tried. She tried so hard to not let it show, to keep it held back. But it slipped through, the single tear dripping past her cheek as Angela wiped away the dried blood on her arm.
-
Morning light seeped through the curtain. The chirping of the birds filling the room. Fareeha had lain awake just staring at the ceiling. She didn’t know how long she was awake, only that now the sun was up.
She pulled her arm tighter around Angela’s waist, enjoying the comforting weight of her wife laying on top of her. There was a few more minutes of near silence when the door creaked open. The mattress dipped slightly from Falke’s weight.
“Mama, Fafa, wake up.” Falke had draped his body over them both, little fingers poking at Angela’s face.
A quick hand stopped him from poking his mother. “Shh. Please don’t wake up Mama. Let her sleep.” She reached over and pulled the boy to her other side.
“Sorry,” he whispered.
Fareeha took to playing with the little fingers in her hand, finally looking down after noticing that Falke had stayed quiet, not even budging once. He had fallen asleep.
It was contagious.
Next thing Fareeha knew, she was being woken up by both Angela and Falke. Apparently, she had dozed off as well.
They were out the door relatively quick, Falke being the one to make sure no one was taking their time. As they walked to the park, he laughed the whole way there. He was sitting on Fareeha’s shoulders, clinging to her neck as she tickled his legs.
Fareeha put Falke down when he saw the swings. She watched him run towards them, yelling back at her to watch him swing by himself. He had mastered the skill at school and was eager to show it off.
“He can swing all by himself now.”
“Guess that means you don’t need to push him anymore. No more, ‘Fafa, push me! Fafa, I wanna swing!’” Angela grinned at the exaggerated look of heartbreak on Fareeha’s face.
“He’s growing up too fast.”
“Mmhm. Next thing you know, he’ll want to go hang out with his friends instead of us.”
“Then I’ll just make sure he doesn’t have any.”
“Fareeha!” Angela smacked Fareeha’s in the shoulder. “You will not.”
“Okay, okay. He can have friends.”
“Mama, Fafa, what’s that?” Falke pointed a finger behind them, swing slowing to a stop as he just watched the sky.
Fareeha turned around, fear turning her blood to ice and keeping her rooted to the spot.
A dark cloud engulfed the horizon. It was followed by a deafening bang, the noise tapering off to a long rolling growl.
Her body moved on its own. Fareeha pulled Angela along with her, getting to the swings to yank Falke into her arm.
And they ran.
-
Everything was dark. The power had gone out half an hour ago, technicians scrambling about to try and restore it. Fareeha was on lookout. Desperate hands searched through drawers for a flashlight, matches, anything. There had been major cut backs due to low supplies. She’d be lucky if she even found a glow stick.
She could barely hear the careful footsteps approaching her. Fareeha saw a flicker of moon light reflecting off the shining surface, jumping out of the way just in time for the bullet to only graze her shoulder.
Her attacker was slow to comprehend the situation, thinking he’d gotten the shot. He didn’t have time to react to her movement.
Fareeha shot back. She didn’t miss.
The power kicked on a moment later. Light illuminated the dead man’s body. He looked surprised, eyes wide and staring at the ceiling. Fareeha tried not to look at his head, how the blood continued to seep into a puddle. Red fragments splattered the window. She felt like she was going to throw-up.
“Amari, what’s your status?”
Unfocused eyes tried to find the radio. It was all too blurry.
-
It was 7 am when she finally got home. Fareeha quietly opened the front door. She made her way to the kitchen, stopping still at the doorway.
Angela was home. She sat in the finicky chair at the table. Specks of blood littered her hair. She was looking at her hands, her whole-body tremoring.
Fareeha was at her side in an instant. She sat on her knees, a comforting hand placed on Angela’s thigh. “What happened?”
“They sent me h-home.” Saliva had built up at the back of her throat, making it hard to speak. “We had a burn victim. And we were low on supplies.” A laugh escaped her lips. “Who am I kidding? We don’t have any supplies.”
Her hands finally moved, cupping her eyes to try and stop the river of tears running down the tears. “One of the men that brought him in just took out his gun and shot him. He told me, ‘He was going to die anyway.’”
Fareeha felt Angela’s shaking as her wife curled up around her, tears soaking through her uniform.
“They’re getting closer.” Angela kept her eyes screwed shut, hands pulling Fareeha closer to her.
“I know.”
“I want to leave.”
“I know.”
And there wasn’t anything Fareeha could do but stay there, letting Angela cry until she had no more tears left to give.
-
Falke scrunched up his eyebrows, tongue sticking as he focused on the picture he was drawing on his math practice sheet. His teacher was sitting in the front reading a book, the radio playing in the background. He didn’t really pay much attention to it since it was just people talking. He liked it better when Fafa played her music on the radio.
The desks in the room shifted, pencils falling to the ground. He barely looked up when the window broke, everyone screaming at the impact.
Smoke started to funnel in, his teacher yelling for everyone to follow her. Falke grabbed his paper, wanting to show the drawing to his Mama later. He felt the paper crumple under his hand as the children from the other classes filed into the hall.
He couldn’t hear anything. Too much yelling. Too much screaming.
He dropped his paper when he went to cover his eyes. Someone yanked on his arm when he tried to pick it up.
They brought him outside. So many soldiers are running around. And there’s blood. He feels himself crying, can feel the ways his chest puffs unevenly from his frantic breathing. It’s all too much. He wants to go home. To get away from everything that’s happening.
“Mama!” Falke screamed amidst all the panic. “Fafa!”
He started to run aimlessly, avoiding anyone and everyone. “Take me home, take me home, take me home.”
But then he’s in strong arms, a loving grip that won’t ever let go.
“I’m here, I’m here.”
“I wanna go home.” Falke curled his legs around Fareeha’s waist, hands clutching to her uniform, silently begging her to hold him tighter.
A building caught fire in the distance.
Fareeha ran faster, the burning smoke filling her lungs doing nothing to slow her down.
-
They slept in Falke’s room because it has no windows. The mattresses were used to block the windows in the small apartment. The fighting had finally broke into the city, most of the gunfire blazing at night.
If she closed her eyes, Angela could imagine the bullets ricocheting off the buildings were raindrops. Heavy raindrops. But that didn’t stop the boy in her arms from crying in fear. It didn’t help the fact that her wife had been gone for nearly two weeks.
“Is Fafa alright?” A question Falke has been asking every night.
“She’ll be okay.” I don’t know.
She can’t know. All she can do is think of the worst.
And it’s terrifying.
-
The next morning, Angela was sitting at the table staring at her plate. Falke was eating beside her, happy that she made pancakes. Her head snapped up when she heard the key twisting in the lock.
Fareeha can barely get the door open before she’s tackled to the wall by Angela.
“You had me worried.” That wasn’t all she wanted to say, but it was the best she could do. Her lips trembled, fresh tears dripping past her nose. And she cried harder when Fareeha kissed her forehead.
“Fafa!” Falke ran to her side, hugging her leg tight. “You’re not going to leave again are you?”
Fareeha shakes her head. “No.” She wipes at the tears on Angela’s face. “We’re all leaving together.”
Angela pulled back in surprise. “We’re leaving?”
“Yes,” A calloused finger pushed back the wet hair from Angela’s face, “we’re leaving.”
They pack what they need. Everyone carrying just a backpack. Angela is too happy to question anything. She doesn’t question how they were going to leave. She didn’t ask where Fareeha’s been. She didn’t question the careful way Fareeha locks the door to their apartment. She didn’t even question the smile that won’t reach her wife’s eyes. And maybe she should have.
Fareeha led them to Ana’s house. Her wife didn’t even get to knock before the door was swung open. And she was smiling at how happy Falke was to see that his grandma was coming too.
Hours passed as they walked down the unused path. Falke took to holding both Angela and Fareeha’s hands. They’d lift him up in the air every now and them, keeping him happy and entertained.
They arrived at a forested area, a little clearing amidst the trees. A truck was already waiting, another family already sitting in the back.
“This is it.” Fareeha let go of Falke’s hand. “You should climb in the back. I need to talk to the driver. I’ll be there in a bit.”
Ana took Falke’s hand when Angela didn’t budge. She brought him to the truck, picking him up so he can climb in. Looking behind her, she called for Angela’s attention. “Angela!”
Angela moved slowly, eyes trained on Fareeha and another soldier talking in the distance. She focused on Ana when her name was called again.
Fareeha took her backpack off, pulling out a box. She opened it, revealing the money she had promised. “Drive safe.”
The soldier just nodded, taking the box of money. He walked to the truck and started the engine.
Angela felt the truck shake to life, worried eyes staring at Fareeha. She wasn’t moving. Her body moved on its own, trying to climb out of the truck. Trying to get to Fareeha. But there’s a pair of arms holding her back.
The truck started to move, the image of Fareeha getting smaller and smaller.
“Fareeha!” Angela was screaming into the wind, throat already hoarse from her constant shouting.
Ana didn’t say anything as Angela desperately tries to get out of the grip of the man holding her back. She just sat there holding Falke, telling him that everything will be okay.
“Fareeha!” Angela can’t even see her wife anymore.
Ana wrapped her arms around her grandson tighter. “It’ll be alright.”