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you split, and take in every time you see a faking counterfeit
his foot tapping rhythmically, his head bobbing softly, tyler's fingers becoming the falling snow on the rooftops of the homes across his wide-spread town, hovering just above the keys of his piano, and then softly flying across its length, tapping out sounds had no control over and even less of an idea where they came from. but it sounded good, it sounded right, and it was a start.
in the mirror you appear to see fear and whisper this is it
his mouth opened to sing, but nothing but a wretched sob escaped from his lips, and his fingers wavered and stumbled off the piano and his small shoulders jerked and shook and his mind deflated in his skull and everything was gray and blue and black like the streets of his town streaked with dust and gravel and snow; the streets of his cheeks streaked with tears and gravel and snow, falling soft and tickling and mocking and sad.
in the mirror you appear to see nothing else but yourself as a face; a hollowed out space
he stared at himself in the mirror. weary eyes traveled the long lines and dark shadows of his face, and his stare became angry, and tyler's hand lashed out and punched the ugly, mocking reflection on the mirrors surface, and his hand came back with tiny shards of glass embedded in them, but he didn't notice. he didn't care.
leave me with the razor, and just in case i fall face down on the ground
on his bed, his phone vibrated, softly, and small soft ping rang out into the thick, suffocating silence. he quietly turned away from his shattered, burning reflection, and reached to his bed where the phone lay. he picked it up, gingerly, now feeling the small shards pressing into his soft skin. little red dots beaded up around them.
and somehow i found enough strength to lift my face, and make a sound
he turned his phone over. josh had posted another picture. and again, as always, it was of that girl, that girl hes been dating for a while now, that one he had moved on so quickly with.
josh.
his name rang like angry, quiet, sad bells in his head. yellow, black, gray, ugly.
and muffled though it may be, and crazy it seems, i never felt closer to you, just crying as you torture me
tyler stared hard at the picture. josh was holding the girls so protectively, wrapped up in his arms like he would tread heaven and hell to keep her safe. and they were smiling at each other, so softly, so dearly. almost, just as if they are in love. that twisted tyler's stomach, in a nauseous, envious, tired way. josh used to look at him like that. josh used to smile at him like that, with those shy, soft pink lips that always curved at the right places and made his insides melt all the right ways. they used to look at each other like that. almost as if they were in love.
tyler squeezed his eyes shut, and a tear fell down on to his tender hand, on to a little red bead, stinging a bit as it sunk into the wound, splitting the small, dark liquid apart, chasing it down either side of tylers hand.
it's time to say goodbye; to the earth and now my worthless life
his words rang in his brain, "i don't give a fuck anymore, i dont care anymore, it doesnt matter anymore." a shudder shook his shoulders again, and he hiccuped instead of releasing a new wave of fresh snow down his tainted cheeks. he lay flat on his back, staring up at the dark, empty ceiling. he hoped the next one would vibrate deep in his lungs.
"this isnt going to work anymore."
the next hiccup was more violent, and it was followed by a hot rush behind his eyelids he was disappointed when the hiccup didn't end up cutting off his breathing.
it was all the cliques fault. they had wanted this. they had fucking wanted them to be together for so fucking long. and it took so much sacrifice to get to that point. he had lost jenna, the lovely little sunshine who's smile shamed the stars in the sky. but he had fell in love with his best friend anyways and it wasn't supposed to happen but it did and tyler did not stage any of it for rhe publicity like they, the clique, started to claim once tyler made it public during that one concert in their home state, their hometown. they had fucking wanted this and now it was gone and it was all their fault.
but no.
it was his fault and his gut wrenched as he admitted it to himself. he was the one who couldn't stay strong. he was the one who couldn't get his emotions and his feelings intact, who couldn't stop caring about what wasnt important and to start caring about what was. josh was important. he was always so important, it was always josh and tyler couldn't fucking see it until it was too late. it was always josh who made him smile and laugh, it was him who made him truly happy and safe like nothing else in this world it was just always josh and no body else.
and yes, josh was still holding someone's hand, smiling into someone's eyes, looking at someone almost as if he were in love.but it wasnt with him. and it was all his fault.
"josh, this isnt going to fucking work anymore."
and tyler hated himself for it.
'cause everything i've ever made is dead now inside the grave.
the doorbell rung, just as tyler had been hastily throwing on a coat to head on his way out. he flung the door open, not bothering to shade his face from the violent snow and wind. he squinted through the mist, and as his eyes adjusted, his heart stopped beating and legs almost gave out beneath him.
josh.
tylers heart seems to stumble and forget how to function, and his eyes blinked rapidly, head reeling. he had to be seeing things. he had to be going delirious.
he wasn't actually here. not now. not like this.
josh stared at him, and similar thoughts seemed to be flashing thought his head. he opened and closed his mouth, hesitating, disbelieving. of what?
"tyler," he finally whispered, coarsely,
and with that tyler broke. his universe crumpled right behind his eyelids, crashed down, and butt him and kicked him and and slapped him and screamed at him, screaming, screaming, screaming. he wasn't thinking, he wasn't thinking correctly at all when he shoved past josh, past his shy pink lips and soft warming eyes and stumbled down the driveway, ignoring josh's alarmed shouts behind him. he rushed out into the wind, the harsh, gray snow, so black and gray and yellow and blue and red and ugly and angry, angry at him, angry at josh, angry at life and how unfair it was. why did it have to be like this? why did he show up like this?
he heard josh's footsteps thumping rapidly after him, and only then did he realize he was running. running, always running, running away from his problems, as if they didn't have legs either. he stumbled, and his hand shot out before him, instinctively to hang on to anything to keep him up, but his hand caught nothing but the angry, angry air, and tyler felt himself falling, tripping, screaming, screaming as he feel into the blinding, gray road, everything so gray, the sharp, bright lights of the speeding car on the road, screaming as he felt the moment just before the car made impact with his fragile body, screaming for josh, for his, their loss as josh's frantic, desperate scream yelled after him, carried away by the gray wind, the very, very gray wind.