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Hello Future Super-Villains. I am Draco Malfoy. Some of you may know me as the Slytherin King.
As part of my probation I have been tasked with writing some dreary garbage on why you shouldn't be a Super-villain. But it would be a much more exemplary idea if you did. So here is a spectacular guide on how to do it.
Rule number one. Do not under any circumstances fall in love with the hero. It can be slightly problematic to say the least. For reference see schemes 117 through 121.Some unfortunate highlights include: Attempting to start a crime syndicate, then deliberately ratting out that crime syndicate to impress your hero. This does not work (side note for anyone struggling with romantic feelings towards their hero, I would suggest reading Draco Malfoy's guide to getting the Hero of your dreams) and my personal most embarrassing moment, changing costumes in an attempt to look super sexy. (this may be less of a problem for you aspiring female super-villains out there as that won't look that weird, but I would still avoid it, undermines your reputation really)
Rule number two. See rule number one
Rule number three. Rule number one is really important.
Rule number four. If you got this far, I'm assuming you have managed to deal with the possibility of romantic inclinations towards your nemesis, so lets move on.
Branding is really important. You need people to either be very sympathetic or very scared of you. Make sure you pick one and stick with it. Just think Loki from the first Thor movie if you want sympathetic and Hannibal lector if you want scary. You need to make sure you can pull off which ever one you choose. I tried to go scary, did not pay off. I would reccomned sympathetic for anyone with an ounce of tragedy in their backstory. Its easy enough to spin. Just make sure the camera is filming your epic battle, then spout some nonsense about your tragic past. I would recommend dead or abusive parents. Or adoption. That worked really well for that Loki guy didn't it. The more smutty fan fiction people write about you, the less likely they are to be a nuisance once you take power. Fangirls are your friend.
Rule number five. So you have sympathy and only hatred for your nemesis. The next stage is important. Your nemesis must go. It seems hard, and for many of you, it will be your first time murder spree, but you have to do it. Make a simple plan and just do it. DO NOT MONOLOGUE. This is crucial. If you monologue, the hero will escape. I mean it. Don't leave the room either. You don't have anything better to do. Wait until the hero is properly dead for crying out loud. You have no idea how many times that green eyed black haired beauty that was my nemesis escaped after I left the room. Wait how do you backspace on this thing. Crap. Ignore that.
Rule number six. Probably just don't be a super-villain. Being the hero is actually a bunch more fun. You basically get to do shady evil things anyway, without some hero trying to stop you. And you get the guy, or girl. Lets be real. Even if you follow all these steps the Hero will defeat you. Every Single Time.
DAILY PROPHET
HISTORY HAS BEEN MADE:SUPERHERO AND SUPER-VILLAIN TO MARRY
Yes folks you read that right. Superhero Harry Potter a.k.a the chosen one has just publicly announced his upcoming wedding, to former super-villain Draco Malfoy, formerly the Slytherin King. When asked Mr Potter simply said, I know he has changed, and refused to give any further comment. Malfoy has not been available to comment. Is this another ploy on Malfoys behalf or has he truly changed for the better. Leave your answers and comments down below.
Rule number seven. Just being good makes that much easier.