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The rain pours heavily outside, the heater inside the apartment makes the window fog up and Dongyoung's staring out at the dark streets, using the fog on the glass to draw random lines with his fingers.
A year. A whole year and yet, whenever the sky darkens and the rains starts falling, he ends up locked in his room, all gloomy and melancholic. The knock on the door goes unnoticed, his attention somewhere else.
"Dongyoung?" Taeyong carefully cracks the door open, just enough for half of his face to show up. "Why are the lights off?"
"Nothing," he says in a curt way, Taeyong already knows that his friend - and housemate - does not want to talk to him, years of knowing each other taught him that - be it in a good or bad way. He mumbles something that Dongyoung does not catch because he is way too worried with something else and the door clicks closed. "Ah, Kim Dongyoung, you need to put yourself back together," he mutters under his breath and leans his forehead on the cold glass, feeling the droplets running down his face.
In amidst the darkness, his cell phone lightens up, signalizing that a new message has arrived and Dongyoung takes everything that's inside him to walk to his desk and retrieve it. Once he checks the sender, he feels his breath getting caught on his throat and the device almost falls from his grasp. If the rain wasn't enough of a reminder of Yuta, now the devil himself has decided to send him a message after such a long time.
'If you're free, let's meet up'
He throws the phone back down on the desk, collapsing on his bed and burying his face on the pillow. No, he can't deal with this right now. Dongyoung decides that he's going to reply him in the morning, after the rain is gone and the sun has turned his sadness into a numb feeling that's pushed to the back of his mind, forgotten there until something triggers it and it resurfaces, only to be put back to place moments later. Completing then the endless cycle of never getting over Nakamoto Yuta.
The morning light licks Dongyoung face and forces him to open his eyes, turning to the side to avoid the rays of sun. His phone rests forgotten where it was left the previous night and Dongyoung tries to remember when he fell asleep but it's all a haze in his mind. Aside from the part where Yuta has messaged him so out of the blue. That's what forces him out of his comfortable bed, walking towards the desk to check if he was not just having a bad dream.
'If you're free, let's meet up'
"You've got to be kidding me," Dongyoung says and curses under his breath, something that he's used to doing whenever he thinks a little too much about the things he should have done and then things he shouldn't have done. The moments where small things remind him of Yuta and he has to put on a smile and say that he is alright, that everything's doing fine and that the dull ache in his chest is not there anymore. Still filled with hesitation, Dongyoung unlocks his phone and clicks on the message, seeing the time it was sent - 10:47 PM - and staring at those simple words.
A knock on the door startles him and he nearly drops him phone on the floor like last night, barely saving it by the corners.
"Good morning," only Taeyong's eyes are visible and Dongyoung sighs, putting his phone on top of his bed and turning to greet his friend. "How are you feeling?"
A moment of silence until Dongyoung breaks into a smile, a fake one. He's too used to putting them up and having other people believe it but, with Taeyong, it's the 'I am not alright but there's no need to worry because I can handle it' type of smile. He's glad Taeyong respects his space and doesn't probe further.
"I made some pancakes," is his response and Dongyoung nods, his smile turning into a thankful one. "I have to go to work now, you should rush and eat them while they're still warm."
"I will do that, thank you," Dongyoung says and Taeyong smiles back at him, closing the door back up and Dongyoung waits until the sound of the front door being closed reaches his ears to leave the comfort of his bedroom. With his phone in one hand, Dongyoung reaches the dining table and sits down in front of his breakfast. The pancakes look, smell and taste delicious, he really needs to thank Taeyong for making these for him when he's feeling down - not that he wants to actually mention that he's not feeling alright. While the pancakes are sweet in his mouth, the bitter taste from last night still lingers and, when he unlocks his phone again, Dongyoung feels it growing stronger when he reads over the message again and again.
He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know if he should just ignore Yuta, pretend that he never received the message.
He doesn't know if he should tell anyone about it. Taeyong would definitely tell him to delete the message and never ever associate himself with Yuta ever again. Ten would say that he should see what he wants with him. Yoonoh would tell him to do what he thinks is right and, honestly, Dongyoung doesn't know how to discern right from wrong anymore.
That's why he replies the message with a 'Sure, I'm free now. Wanna meet up at the café in half an hour?', putting it down on the table and finishing his pancakes. He doesn't dare look at his device until he's done eating, already regretting half of his life decisions and this one claiming the top of the list already.
While he basks in his own misery, the phone lights up with the incoming message and Dongyoung shakily reaches out for it, checking that Yuta has already answered him.
'That sounds perfect ^^'
And that's all that takes Dongyoung to lose his mind, leaning his forehead on the cold glass and wondering how he's going to face Yuta in less than half an hour when he can barely function when something reminds him of his ex.
"You brought this upon yourself, Kim Dongyoung. Now you ought to face the consequences," he tells himself as he brings the used dish to the kitchen, washing it because he knows Taeyong is not going to like if he just drops it there, and drags his feet back to his room, thankful that the café is just two blocks from his apartment. Now, the question is, how is he going to dress himself up in less than twenty minutes to look decent but not decent enough to look like he put effort into looking good? That's overly complicated and it causes Dongyoung to go into a crisis that lasts a minute until he decides to dress himself normally. He grabs the first sweater he sees and looks for a shirt that matches its color, locating one on the pile of newly ironed clothes - Taeyong's courtesy - and pairs it all up with his light skinny jeans and whatever pair of sneakers he can find.
When he looks himself in the mirror, Dongyoung notices the dark circles under his eyes. He doesn't understand why they're even there when he sleeps a reasonable amount of time every day and he hasn't been worrying too much over anything ever since he dropped out of university. He also doesn't understand what forces him into applying makeup to cover it all up, checking the clock and almost dropping it all before he's rushing out of the apartment with his wallet on the back pocket of his jeans and his phone in a hand.
Although slightly late, Dongyoung does not run. Be it because he doesn't want his hair to stick to different sides, be it because he just doesn't want to look all sweaty and discomposed. Dongyoung simply takes large steps until he sights the familiar sign, taking one long and deep breath before he enters the shop. The smell of coffee greets him, followed by Yuta's voice calling his name from the far end of the place. He feels his mouth go dry when his eyes meet Yuta, not familiar with seeing that face over the past year.
"Dongyoung," Yuta waves at him when he's standing in front of him, the smile on his lips the same Dongyoung was used to. "It's been a long time. How have you been?"
Oh, this question. Dongyoung doesn't reply right away, he just puts on his 'I'm fine' smile and takes the seat across from Yuta, doing his best not to stretch his long legs too long that their knees will touch like it used to happen so often that he can't count on his fingers.
"I've been quite well," he says and feels the weight of those words on his tongue. He concludes that they sound alright, seeing that Yuta keeps the toothy smile on. "How about you?"
"I've been well too," he says and Dongyoung believes it. Of course he does, the smile on Yuta's lips is so bright that he feels like he's being exposed to the sun without sunscreen - he truthfully feels like he's being burned and that he'll soon become just a lump of ashes. "What are you up to nowadays?"
Misery and suffering Dongyoung thinks but obviously does not voice it. Instead, he pretends to be deep in thought, lips pursued and his gaze on the ceiling. In truth, he does not look thoughtful at all but Yuta's always fallen for it, so this time it's no different. "I've just been working ever since I abandoned my major."
"You should've finished it! Even I graduated," Yuta makes a face, nose wrinkled and his eyes slightly narrowed in a not judging manner. "I think you can still make it if you apply for it this year. Maybe they'll allow you to just finish it. Remember how you were the best student in class?"
I do but Dongyoung tells Yuta that he didn't really like his major. He tells him that he gave up because he was tired of playing pretend, that it wasn't for him. But he never tells him that he gave up because he wouldn't be able to bear being in the same class as him anymore. Seeing him every day with that smile that was always adorning his pretty lips, his eyes smiling along with them and stirring the urge to touch him, to kiss him. No, Dongyoung could never tell him that. So he lies. He lies and smiles and pretends that everything is fine until it's time for them to depart because Dongyoung has to rush to work and Yuta apparently has places to go.
"Dongyoung?" Taeyong calls his name when they're having dinner. The younger staring off into his bowl without moving, his chopsticks in one hand while his eyes are on the food and his mind somewhere far away. "Are you with me?"
"Yes?" he shakes his head and smiles at him, looking a little dazed and confused. "Did you say something?"
"You're so distracted tonight. Did anything happen?" Taeyong asks carefully, looking worried and Dongyoung wants to tell him that no, he is not alright, he is not alright at all. Ever since Yuta bid him goodbye, a hand on his shoulder and a smile on his lips, he can't erase his face from his mind, as though his face wasn't imprinted with permanent ink there already. Today's Yuta only substituting the rusty image Dongyoung had of him, although still as beautiful as before - even more if that were even possible.
"No, nothing happened," he smiles and Taeyong looks slightly skeptical but, as usual, he does not ask him any more questions, just stands up from the table and walks away into the kitchen to do the dishes. Dongyoung hears the water running and lets out the breath he has been holding, feeling relieved that Taeyong pretended to buy his excuse.
"If you need me, I'll be in my room," Taeyong says when he passes by the living room and shoots Dongyoung a look, one that sends shivers down his spine but Dongyoung just smiles. Once the door to Taeyong's room is closed, the smile falls. Dongyoung sighs shakily and stands up, taking more than necessary to reach the kitchen and wash the bowl he used. And when he's finally in his room, Dongyoung leans against the doorframe and sinks to the floor, hugging his legs close to his chest and hiding his face on his knees.
"Oh, Kim Dongyoung. What have you gotten yourself into?" he talks to himself because that's the only time he manages to be truthful because he wants to spare Taeyong. He wants to spare Taeyong from seeing him crumble down all over again, he doesn't want to see disappointment in his friend's eyes because he's taking steps back instead of moving forward like he had promised.
But Yuta's smiles is the only thing he can think of and maybe, just maybe, not moving forward is not so bad. It sounds so enticing that Dongyoung falls asleep while staring at his phone screen, messages opened on Yuta's chat.
'Wanna meet up again some other time next week?'
'Of course! Today was fun, I'm glad we're alright now'
It was a bad idea. Dongyoung's given the image of Yuta looking happy and cheerful the next time they meet up. Yuta's wearing one of those oversized hoodies he owns that makes him look smaller and younger than he is and Dongyoung honestly does not know how to deal with it. And on top of that, it's too late to turn around and flee because Yuta has seen him and running away now is not an option anymore.
"Oh thank God, you actually saw me," Yuta says when Dongyoung walks up to the table he's sitting. It's not the same from last time but it's not like they haven't sit on all of them before, they used to come here a lot in the past after all. "I thought you were just going to leave."
"I'm glad I saw you in time then," he jokes back and laughs, it rings too loudly in his ears and Dongyoung cringes internally, wondering if Yuta thinks that he sounds fake and that he's being too much. If Yuta actually thinks that, he does not show it because the look in his eyes do not waver and the smile on lips is still a constant.
"And how was your week? Anything new?" Yuta asks in the friendliest tone ever, not a hint of hesitation and Dongyoung gulps, feeling his mouth go dry like it always does when he's around Yuta and doesn't know what to say.
"Nothing much, my life is boring and you know that," he ends up laughing and Yuta follows suit, showcasing pearly white teeth and his eyes curving into tiny crescents, the way it makes Dongyoung's knees go weak and his breath uneven. He tries to fake that he's alright at the sight but it's a little hard so he calls the waiter, ordering something to distract himself and Yuta's looking at him when he's done. "How about you?"
"I went out with Sicheng last week an-" from there on out, Dongyoung filters it all. He doesn't know why he feels jealous of Sicheng when he knows the poor boy is just Yuta's best friend. He doesn't know many things at this point and Dongyoung just wants to stand up and call it quits because he has seen how Yuta has moved on already, chatting merrily with him about anything and everything while he still measures his words, scared that Yuta's going to notice the forlorn tone of his voice and how he misses him. Dongyoung feels inappropriate and ridiculous. When the waiter gets to the table with his espresso, he gulps it down in one go, ignoring the burning on his tongue and throat, hoping it will numb his pain.
"I have to go, Yuta. I'm sorry," is all he says when he gathers enough courage and throws money on the table to pay for his beverage, running out of the store and not looking back to see what kind of expression Yuta has on.
His mind tells him that it's an expression of pity and probably disgust but he can't be so sure.
Dongyoung runs away. And by run away, he means ignoring phone calls and text messages. Taking a detour if he has to pass by the block where the café is at, just avoid anything that reminds him of Yuta - it's not like it's actually working but Dongyoung can at least try to fool himself, right?
He doesn't understand why Yuta keeps sending him messages but Dongyoung is definitely not seeing them nor is he replying any of them. Only deleting them without a second glance because Dongyoung does not want to keep this going. It hurts and it just makes him fall back into the hole he was slowly crawling out of. Not that he was actually being any successful, Dongyoung doesn't remember being so hung up on something - or rather someone - once it was over.
"Dongyoung?" Taeyong's voice startles him and Dongyoung jumps on his seat, dropping his phone on the table and having his friend glance over at the screen. "Are those messages from Yuta?"
His voice gives away that he is not pleased. Taeyong reaches out for the device before Dongyoung, unlocking it and opening the message - this is when Dongyoung regrets telling Taeyong his password and not changing it as soon as he could.
"Since when?" Taeyong asks, looking down from the phone and Dongyoung inhales sharply, feeling his lungs burn despite the air not being any cold, maybe it's just the tension or the guilt that's eating his from inside out. "You know this is not healthy, right? Have you checked his messages? Dongyoung, say something. Did you forget why you two even broke up?"
At this point of his life, Dongyoung doesn't also remember why Yuta and him gave up on their relationship. He really doesn't and that also bothers him. Maybe it was because he was too picky and petty despite the times Yuta let it pass with a smile, only doing what he said without complaining. Or the many times Dongyoung was infuriatingly jealous, looking back now, Dongyoung regrets being like that because he is certain it might've been a big factor on it. Maybe it's because he feels like Yuta is his total opposite. Someone so carefree and spontaneous being stuck with him. He can't even describe himself and that's just plain frustrating.
Taeyong waves his hands in front of Dongyoung's face but gets no reaction, sighing loudly when he sees his friend staring at the wall with a thoughtful look in his eyes.
"I won't say anything about this. Dongyoung," Taeyong puts a hand on his shoulder and Dongyoung snaps out of his daze, shaking his head softly and looking up at his friend. "You're an adult and you know what you do with your own life. Please, don't do anything stupid."
I don't know what I do with my life Dongyoung's face says it all but Taeyong still hands him the phone and exits the living room. For a full minute, Dongyoung remains in the same place, the palm of his hand opened with the phone resting there while he's looking at the closed door to Taeyong's bedroom. He feels his phone vibrating in his hand, when he looks down he sighs. Of course it is Yuta, who else would send him a message?
'Are you alright? Did I do something wrong? You're not answering my messages ever since we meet, it's been three days :('
The sad face makes Dongyoung sad as well. Since when was he living in a drama? Everything was supposed to be easy, he was supposed to have graduated in Economics and have a steady job, although probably boring. Dongyoung doesn't have much time to dwell further into the what ifs when his phone vibrates again.
'I don't know if you're reading this or not but if you are, meet me at the café. I'll be there. We need to talk'
"We need to talk," he repeats absent mindedly, not keen on going when he reads that and remembers that those were the exact words Yuta sent him the day it all fell apart. Dongyoung puts his phone down and sighs, looking around and seeing that the apartment is silent. It's unnerving, unsettling and it makes his skin prickle. he just doesn't know what to do. "I did not sign up for this," he whispers to himself and gets up, grabbing his phone and dashing out of the apartment. This time he runs, faster than he has ever run and his mind is filled with thoughts of Yuta. Wondering what he wants to talk to him, is it good or is it bad?
The familiar place calms him down a little, despite the messy hair and sweat rolling down the side of his face, Dongyoung looks around the empty place and catches his breath. On Sundays it has always been empty aside from the two males who would insist on showing up. After a year, the two same males are the only one in the store. Dongyoung sights Yuta with his back turned to the door, maybe not to go through the disappointment of never seeing him showing up or just because he enjoys that spot.
"Yuta," Dongyoung says once he's about half a meter away from him. Yuta turns his head to fast his hair falls down on his eyes and he has to brush them away as Dongyoung takes the seat right in front of him. Surprisingly, Dongyoung looks composed, much different from the emotional turmoil he's on the inside right now. "Did you want to talk to me?"
"You never replied my messages," Yuta states and Dongyoung sighs, looking down at the table and widening his eyes in surprise when the waiter places something in front of him. It's a slice of their carrot cake and Dongyoung has just arrived, he doesn't recall ordering anything - he's not that crazy yet. "I ordered that."
"And what would you do if I didn't show up?" Dongyoung questions and reluctantly gets hold of the fork, looking at it and weighting it on his hands to distract himself.
"We can't live based on speculations for the rest of our lives, Dongyoung," Yuta says and keeps the fork of his own cake on his lips, looking at him with wide eyes. "That's why asked to meet up with you."
"And what do you mean by that?" Dongyoung finally eats a piece of the cake and munches on it slowly, to occupy himself with something.
"I mean that, I wanted to try something. You don't know how much courage it took me to send you that message," Yuta says in a low voice, reaching out for the glass filled with iced tea and gulping half of it down.
"I wasn't all that easy to reply to it either, if that makes you feel better," Dongyoung stuffs more cake inside his mouth and almost chokes when he sees Yuta smiling at him.
"I can only imagine," he says and covers half of his face with the napkin he's using to wipe his lips, holding them right in front of his face. "I was always wondering if you were well. Is Dongyoung eating well? Is Dongyoung sleeping well? Is he happy? I was tired of just trying to guess if you were doing alright. To the point where Sicheng literally forced me into sending you a message, actually, he didn't force me but he kept bugging me about it and I did it. Don't get me wrong, I did on my own free will, I just needed a little push."
"I don't understand," Dongyoung says, already overthinking it all. Not wanting to deceive himself for jumping to conclusions before hearing the whole thing.
"For someone as intelligent as you, sometimes you can be really dumb," Yuta says seriously, putting the napkin down and sighing. "I miss you. I miss you every single day ever since we broke up. I regret it the moment those words left my mouth and you catered to my words. I regret not trying harder to keep out relationship in one piece. I regret taking so long to take action, I'm sorry. I just wanted to meet up with you to see if you were doing alright. You looked as though you had moved on but I'm so selfish and I just kept indulging myself on seeing you more and more."
"Me? Moved on?" Dongyoung gapes and even lets out a laugh, glad that no other customers are around because he senses that the volume of their voices is only going up. "Yuta, I did so many things ever since we broke up but moving on is probably the only thing that didn't happen. I feel so sorry for Taeyong who has to deal with me being like this, I don't even know what moving on means."
"I thought you had- The smiling, you sounded and looked so happy," Dongyoung laughs even harder at that, maybe he's really a good actor and should pursue a career in acting.
"You looked like your life was a path filled with rose petals," Dongyoung points out and Yuta even places a hand on his chest, opening his mouth to say something but Dongyoung smiles and he sees the way Yuta stares at him without knowing what to say or how to breath. "It was hard to smile when I kept having flashbacks whenever you were in front of me."
A silence falls upon them and neither Yuta nor Dongyoung dare say anything anymore. Each of them finish their cakes without a spoken word coming out of their mouths and, by the time they reach the cashier, Yuta offers to pay for it.
"I guess it's go-"
"I honestly wish we could start all over again," Yuta says and surprises Dongyoung who was about to bid him farewell. "I regret many things but I don't regret meeting you and I am sure I will regret if I don't try to fix things between us. And no, I do not mean to start all over again by being friends because I can't live like that."
"I-I guess we can do that," Dongyoung replies after a moment and gives him a small smile.
"So, I was wondering," Yuta takes a step closer to him and Dongyoung eyes him warily, holding himself not to back away from him. "What do you think about next Saturday? You and I, movies and then dinner?"
"That sounds quite alright," Dongyoung breathes out, not meeting Yuta's eyes and shoving his hands inside the pockets of his jeans.
"It's a date then," Yuta says and Dongyoung feels him patting his shoulder once before he's walking the opposite side. He turns to his direction once and Dongyoung observes as Yuta's back become smaller but his hopes grow and he walks back to his apartment with light steps and a mind filled with possibilities.