Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Murdoc Niccals weaved himself through the thick crowd, drink in hand and curvy women surrounding him - he was in heaven. Though, today had been a rather peculiar one, he had felt as if he was being followed ever since he stepped foot outside. Murdoc had decided to brush it off, instead letting the liquor impair his judgement further, and push himself closer to a blackout. Alas his cup emptied, and Murdoc needed to retire from the rather beautiful woman he was speaking to, and refill it. Whilst the man waited for his liquor to be delivered to him, something forcefully snagged his attention. It was a high pitched, shrill scream. But not any shriek, it was a woman calling his name, “MURDOC NICCALS!”

The woman had sounded exasperated, and her appearance matched that mental image. Murdoc didn’t bother looking, instead he immediately sprung from his seat, rushing his way through the crowd fast as he possibly could to avoid the responsibility shouting for his attention, “GET BACK HERE! MURDOC!”

The woman refused to give up her endless pursuit, and soon Murdoc found himself shoving his way out the back entrance of the club. His vision slightly blurred due to the alcohol that coursed through him, he had to make a quick decision on where to go, luckily for the woman and unluckily for him - he decided on the alley that lead him straight to a dead end.

Though the aggravation at finding himself trapped between a rock and a hard place faded when his eyes focused on the woman's face. Her blonde hair was frizzy and faded, it looked matted like it hadn’t been brushed in months. Her clothes were old and worn… And he recognized her. Surprisingly enough, he even remembered her name. She looked famished, and was panting due to her desperate pursuit of the bass player, “Murdoc, please stop running… I just want to talk… Please…”

Murdoc ran a hand through his greasy black hair, leaning back against the brick wall that kept him trapped. He remembered exactly who she was, it was ten, maybe eleven years ago. She had come to him because… She wanted a kid. Apparently she was a carrier of a brutal disease, and had already lost one child due to it. But she wanted to try again, her husband wouldn’t do it. When she went to a doctor to get pregnant that way, they had denied her because it was… Just too risky. So she went to him, it was a good deal in his book. He didn’t have to ever meet the kid, or have anything to do with it if he didn’t want too, and he had fun in the process. Afterwards she had disappeared from his life as promised, and he had almost forgotten the whole ordeal all together.

But here she was, appearing seemingly from nowhere and standing before Murdoc - so many questions ran through his mind, he had no idea where to start. The woman paused to catch her breath, but tears were already welling in her eyes. She swallowed back the sorrow that caused her throat to ache with effort, her words coming out broken, “He’s dying... “

Murdoc blinked, he was having a bit of trouble processing what on Earth she was even talking about at first, finally getting the motivation to speak, “Wot are y’talkin’ ‘bout, who’s dyin’?” Murdoc’s voice came out rough and gravelly, moreso that he had intended, but confusion mixed with his drunken self soon burned into aggravation, “Just fuckin’ explain what th’ ‘ell yer talkin’ ‘bout.”

She took a breath, wiping away the tears that rolled down her cheeks, “Th-The… He’s.. Back when.. My little boy’s dying and.. I-I… I need a favour from you… One last thing please, hear me out!” She begged him, again her words took a few moments too long for Murdoc to fully process, he simply stared at her with his mouth slightly ajar and eyes wide. He blinked in order to try and reset himself, his voice taking on a more gentle quality.

“I’m… sorry bu’... I don’t really know wot I can do fer ye… I can’t exactly stop th’ kid from dyin’...” He sighed, stepping closer to the woman and rather awkwardly patting her shoulder in a vain attempt to make her feel better. The woman, however, took this as an invitation to throw her arms around his middle and hug him tightly, bursting into heavy sobs. Murdocs arms were slightly raised, he frowned gently wrapping his arms around her in a soft hug. After a few moments she regained her composure, clinging to Murdoc her voice came out as a weak rasp.

“I know… I know you can’t save him… But he… He’s always wanted to know who his dad was-” Murdoc cut her off immediately, hands on her shoulders as he shoved her arms length away, her body tensing with slight alarm and the sudden harshness of his tone.

“Oh no no no, hold on a damn second, there ain’t no way I’m haulin’ meself to a damn hospital to disappoint a dyin’ kid, I ain’t cut out for that shit. Just make up some lie as t’why I can’t go and leave it at tha’.” The woman began to shake her head, shutting her eyes and dropping her head into her hands, Murdoc sighed, forcing himself to speak more calmly with her, “Th’ kid prolly think I’m… Somethin’ else. Let ‘em die believing’ his da’ is some successful businessman dude, somethin’ he could be proud of, yeah? Alice, I ain’t cut out for it.”

Alice’s eyes flicked up to him, hugging herself, a tad bit cross with him, “Instead of just popping in for a few minutes to say hi, you’d rather me lie to my dying son?? Murdoc please, I’m BEGGING you to do this last thing for me. Then I’ll be out of your hair for real this time. You don’t have to do anything but say ‘Hi I’m your dad’! Okay? Only like two minutes, that's all I’m asking.”

“...” It took Murdoc a moment to respond, he wanted to tell her to fuck off, to leave him alone but. Guilt was slowly making his stomach churn, what was left of the man conscious was burning for him to make the correct choice. He needed time to think himself out of this, to figure a way to weasel himself out of the situation without feeling like too much of an asshole, “I’ll THINK about it, alrigh’? Gimmie yer number, I’ll call you if I decide t’do it. How much time does the twerp ‘ave left?” Hope filled the eyes of Alice, she quickly dug in her purse for a pen and a scrap of paper, using the wall as a makeshift clip board and scribbling down her number.

“They said he has maybe a month at best, thank you so much…” She shakily handed him the scrap of paper. Murdoc took it with a grunt, shoving it deep into his pocket. With that the two parted ways, and Murdoc started the long walk home. He had already decided to not call, but for some reason he couldn’t get the situation out of his mind, or shake the guilty feeling that stalked him. Once he stepped foot in the spirit house, bed was where Murdoc’s feet took him, collapsing on the mattress, not bothering to even take off his shoes before curling up on top of the covers.

Chapter Text

He was ten, ten years old. Already his life was misery, having endured more pain than most adults had in their entire life. Fear stalked him every time he stepped through the barrier from outside into his own personal hell. The scent ooze and cigarette smoke barraded his nostrils, never failing to cause him to scrunch up his nose with the sheer intensity of it all. But without fail, no matter how quick he was, nor how silent he tip toed through his own home, he could never escape the unprovoked wrath of either his father or brother.

Bruises littered his body constantly, and some mornings he debated if it was worth trying to move at all. He wondered constantly about what he had done to deserve this, why him? He was only ten.

That was hardly the worst of it, the worst came when he was forced to dawn lederhosen that didn’t fit him correctly, a feathered hat, and a fake wooden nose much like pinocchio's in order to get up in front of a large crowd of drunkards and embarrass himself to try and earn his father more drinking money. The memory was burned into his skull, the strong, bitter hatred that fueled his desire, his need to become bigger than his father ever thought he could.

Though, sometimes the memory twisted, into some dark nightmare-scape he couldn’t find a way out of. No matter how hard he tried, he was stuck.

Right now, he stood before the dark blurs and judgemental glares, the hot stage lights causing him to sweat profusely. ‘I’ve Got No Strings’ blasting so loudly he couldn’t hear himself think, nevertheless remember enough of the words to sing too. He’d glance over his shoulder nervously only to spot the tall, fat figure of his father, the evil money hungry grin that peeled back his lips to show off his disgusting crooked teeth. The red-eye’d glare that warned Murdoc that if he screwed up, it was over.

He didn’t have much of a choice, despite the fact he was so nervous he felt like vomiting, or that he couldn’t stop shaking… His small voice was picked up by the microphone, hardly starting the song before his voice cracked, reverberating throughout the bar. Every patron's attention was on him now, they had gotten what they wanted, he had screwed up. Everything was wrong.. The room began to spin, he was losing his grip on reality. They were laughing, laughing at him now, they were tall shadowy figures that threatened to swallow him up. Swallow everything up, the world was darkening, the laughter was so loud he couldn’t take it, he couldn’t hear himself scream over his own embarrassment. He felt like he was dying, his heart hammering in his chest, he couldn’t get a grip until-

He shot forward in bed, sweat pouring down his forehead, taking in huge gasps of hair as he struggled to calm his frightened heart. Murdoc lifted himself from his bed, shakily making his way to the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. He looked as horrid as he felt, then again Murdoc never exactly looked good. Letting out a low growl Murdoc switched on the tap, splashing cold water into his face, slowly allowing the memories from the night prior to return to his mind.

She was expecting him to call, but there was absolutely no way in hell Murdoc Niccals was going to hit some woman up in order to go talk to some kid he’s never met JUST because the thing was dying. Nope. No way, it simply was NOT happening-

“Alice? Yeh. ‘Tis Murdoc. Just. Okay. Yeah. I called, I know. Alice. Okay yeah you’re welcome. Alice. ALICE.
Thank you. Just tell me the address, and I’ll get there when I feel like it. Alright? Alright.” Murdoc hung up the phone, now incredibly cross with himself for breaking so easily. This wouldn’t be TOO difficult, right? Pop in, say hi, leave. That’s it, the kid’ll probably end up being disappointed in who his dad is and everything would end up fine.

Murdoc dressed himself in his usual attire, a black turtleneck and dark jeans, along with his signature cuban boots. He decided it would be in his favour to sneak his way out, he didn’t exactly feel creative enough to come up with some lie as to where he was going. Looking at the address he had written down as Alice rattled it off to him before, he began his journey to the Hospital.

Murdoc made his way through the halls of the hospital, running his fingers through his hair was he scanned his surroundings. The hospital was well lit, the white light practically blinded Murdoc - and the chemical scent mixed with death made him feel nauseous. He absolutely despised hospitals. His mood only worsened at hearing Alice call him, though she was rather happy he actually came - her voice was annoying.

“Murdoc! Thank you so much for coming you have no idea how much this means to me, I-I honestly didn’t think you were going to do it but, here you are!” She unexpectedly threw her arms around him, once again forcing Murdoc into the awkward situation of, ‘should I hug her back or just wait it out?’

This time, he decided to wait until she let go of him, “Yeah, yeah. Just take m’ t’ the kids room so I can get this done with, aight?” Alice stepped away from Murdoc, nodding quickly and leading the way. Though, she paused before allowing him to enter.

“Alright, just. Please remember he’s a kid and, he hasn’t started… Deteriorating yet so… Just… Don’t ACT like he’s dying… Just… He just thinks he’s sick…. And that he’ll y’know.. Be home soon?” Alice wrung her hands together, though Murdoc blinked.

“He don’t know… You ain’t gonna tell ‘em are you?” Murdoc didn’t exactly agree with that notion, then again what did he know about kids, “Just. Whatever aint my problem. Through ‘ere right?”

Alice nodded, and Murdoc turned to face the wooden door that separated him from… His son?... He felt as if this whole thing was moving rather quickly but, then again the kid didn’t have much time. Murdoc reached forward, letting his hand wrap around the cool metal handle.

And turned the door knob.

Chapter Text

The door opened slowly, a soft creak dispersing the silence that hung around Murdoc. What he saw… Wasn’t at all what he expected. He expected to be lied too, to see some kid hardly able to move. But instead the boy looked so… Normal. So healthy. They had said he ‘hadn’t begun to deteriorate’, yet at the same time he ‘only had a month to live’. Either someone was stretching the truth or… This was one nasty disease.

The boy himself looked strikingly a lot like Murdoc in his younger days, he had the pitch black hair, dark eyes. Yet he was missing the wonky nose that had ruined Murdocs face for most of his life. He had been staring at his hands, only to look up when he heard Murdoc step through the door - slight confusion in his eyes, “Who are you?” he questioned, not afraid to raise his voice in order to be heard more clearly.

“Names Murdoc... Er well… I guess her supposed t’call me dad? Or some shi--iz… Heh.” Murdoc felt incredibly awkward, and though he knew the kid probably knew all the cuss words in the book - the last thing he wanted was Alice freaking out over him saying ‘shit’ around the boy.

“YOU’RE my dad?” The kid held no definite expression, slowly climbing out of the hospital bed in order to investigate further. Already Murdoc had a sinking feeling that only got worse when he realized Alice had never told him the kid's name. This was going to be a complete disaster he could tell. “Are y’sure y’just not doin’ charity work?” Murdoc blinked at that second question, and the kid got awfully close, causing Murdoc to reflexively step back. Only to then realize he was trying to reach behind Murdoc and pull a magazine off of the door. Turning to a page… It was an article about Gorillaz, with a picture of Murdoc along with a Q&A he had done.

“Yeh, tha’s me.” Murdoc chuckled, scratching the back of his head, “Uuh…. Suprise?”

“My mum always played the Gorillaz whenever I asked her ‘bout my dad, she said you were him bu’... I though’ she was just lyin’ t’make me feel better or somethin’...” The boy lowered her head, “Jus’... Are you really my dad?”

“Look kid, If yer mum ‘adn’t shove me in a corner and begged m’t come I probably wouldn’t be ‘ere, only reason I did was ‘couse yer one of me own.” Murdoc folded his arms, at least he wasn’t lying, “I aint goin outta my way to see some kid ‘o Ain’t even related t’me. Tho uh.. She didn’t tell me yer name.”

The boy blinked a few times, “My dads a rockstar…” He said slowly, Murdoc blinked - was it just now processing for the boy? Surprise colored Murdocs features when the boy started bouncing around like a jumping bean, giggling and shouting, “MY DADS A ROCKSTAR!” Over and over, whilst Murdoc desperately tried to get him to quiet down.

“Alrigh- Yes I ge’ it yer excited- SHHHH---- SHUT IT YE LITTLE RUNT!” Murdoc snapped, and the boy stopped, his smile disappearing as he stared. The staredown lasted one whole, painful minute before the boy's face cracked another grin, and he started giggling mischievously. Murdoc rolled his eyes and let out a rather heavy sigh, “wot ‘ave I gotten meself into?” He whimpered quietly to himself, as the boy leaped back onto his bed, sitting cross legged. “Again, whats yer name?”

“Dustin!” He replied excitedly, “I can’t believe my dads really a freaking rockstar! You play the bass right??? That’s so cool! I wanna be a rockstar too when I grow up!” Murdoc almost physically cringed, swallowing down the unexpected pang of… Some negative emotion he hardly remembered the name of.

“Yeh… It’s alotta fun!” He feigned a child friendly happy tone. It lasted a good 3 seconds before he gave up on that, “So uh, how long ‘ave y’been in this room for?”

“”Bouta year! They said I’mma get to go home soon tho! Least that’s what mum said!”

“Oh really?” Murdoc rubbed his face, “Tha’s good… Good.. Say uh... “ He didn’t quite know what to do now, did he just leave? Was he supposed to have some heart to heart with a kid he barely knew? “Dusty… Got anythin’ on yer bucket list?” Was that too obvious? Nah… Probably not right?

“Whats a bucket list?” Dustin tilted his head at an almost 90 degree angle, his hair falling in his eyes a bit. Murdoc shoved his hands deep into his pockets.

“It’s uh… List of everythin’ y’wanna do ‘fore y’... y’know. Kick the bucket. Die.”

“Oh.” Dustin frowned, then plopped his head in his hand, letting out a thoughtful humm, “I wanna go into space! N’ become the president! Oh! Oh! Or a star football player! Go on a boat!” The list went on, with more borderline unrealistic hopes and dreams. Murdoc frowned, stepping towards the visitors chair and plopping down into it.

“Wot ‘bout somethin’ a bit more… Realistic kid? Like… Uh… I dunno drive a car or some shit.” Murdoc let it slip this time. Oops.

“Oh! I know! I wanna go on stage! Be a rockstar!”

Now this was something Murdoc could do. They were still touring right? And they were in the city for a reason. He doubted the others would even care, though he didn’t really plan on telling them… Though there was one obstacle that worried him. The boy's mother.

Murdoc stepped back out into the hallway, Alice had been pacing back and forth nervously. She paused when her eyes landed on him, “W… Well?” She sounded worried, Murdoc couldn’t blame her.

“I think it’s goin’... Alrigh’... But uh. Now I’ve got a favor t’ask ye.” Alices eyes narrowed slightly, what on Earth could Murdoc want from her? She wrung her hands together a bit nervously, knowing him he could just want to get laid, or something.

“I wanna take the kid on stage.” He stated simply, sticking his nose in the air like it was no big deal, though he didn’t want to see her expression.

“O-On… On stage… With you? And your… Band…. Dustin... “ she was processing, “B-But… He’s sick, what if something happens?”

“The kid just jumped around ‘is room like crazy, might as well do somethin’ with all that energy ‘fore it’s gone for good. ‘Less you want ‘im spending ‘is last couple weeks seein’ nothin’ but gray walls.” Was that last bit kind of a low blow? Yes, Murdoc supposed it was but. He didn’t really care.

“I guess but… Can’t I at least… supervise?

“Fine fine wotever, Tha’ just means I don’t gotta pick ‘em up or some dumb shit. Just gimmie a pen and paper and I’ll write the shit down for ye.” He grumbled, realizing he sounded too… Soft already. Going out of his way for some kid wasn’t exactly a Niccals thing to do. Though Alice provided a pen and a mini notebook, and Murdoc provided the date, time, and address.

It was set.

Chapter Text

The bassist quickly peaked out at the audience, what he was pulling had… Well never been done before - at least not with The Gorillaz. It was strange, feeling the flicker of nervousness he hadn’t felt since he was a child. The man found himself pacing between the backdoor he had told Alice to take Dustin through. Though, the biggest hurdle in front of him was most likely the fact he hadn’t told… Any of the band members. He hadn’t planned to either, instead just letting them catch the surprise with the crowd. After all, they couldn’t object if they didn’t know it was happening in the first place!
Before long, it was time to start the show - and Alice was nowhere to be seen. Damn that woman! Had she skipped out on him? Here he was busting his ass trying to be nice for some idiotic reason, and she was blocking him! With a irritated grumble, he ordered one of the Security guards to come get him if they saw them, giving the man her name, and a brief description. It’s all he had time for.

Alice paced the hallway outside Dustins room, it was the night of the show and she was still undecided at whether she really wanted her stick boy around so much commotion, what if something happened? But what that bastard bass player had said really stuck with her, Dustin’s time was running out. She knew this, but he still seemed so… Alive. Would it really be the worst thing for him to experience more of… Life before his was taken from him. She rubbed her eyes, utterly exhausted. She hadn’t gotten any sleep as of late, and it was surely taking it’s toll on the poor woman.
She realized they were running late due to indecisiveness, but finally peaked her head into Dustins room, “Hey sweetheart, how about we go on a little trip? Get away from this place for a few hours.”
Even afterwards, even when she looked back on this moment, the way his eyes widened… How excited he looked. She didn’t regret taking him.

It was between songs when Murdoc finally heard from that guard, immediately storming off stage and leaving the other three band members clueless.
2D immediately filled the silence by talking, “Uh… Me fink’s Murdoc ‘ad t’use the toilet… Tha’ ‘appens a lot n’stuffs.” The singer popped up onto his toes, looked around awkwardly and then commented simply, “I gotta use ‘et too so I don’t blame ‘em. I forgot t’take a piss ‘fore the show n’stuffs.”

Whilst 2D entertained the crowd, Murdoc let out a almost relieved sigh at seeing Alice with the boy, “Da-rn it woman, we already started the bloody show - what the fuck took you so long?”
Murdoc blinked at the icy cold glare Alice gave him, “Murdoc Niccals can you not at least try to censor yourself around Dus-”
Murdoc quickly cut her off, “Oh well what a

[I] darn

Shame, but the show’s already started and we gotta hurry hurry! Let’s go kid.” he grabbed the boy's arm, pulling him closer to the stage. He walked quickly, and Dustin could hardly keep up - Alice was practically jogging to see where they were headed too.
“You still wanna be a rockstar, right kid?” Murdoc grinned almost wickedly, and Dustins head tilted to the side.
“Well… Duh! It’s what I’m going to be when I grow up.” Dustin flashed a toothy grin, that was somehow contagious, because now Murdoc was grinning as well. He reached over and grabbed his beloved bass, taking a deep breath and shoving it in the boy’s arms before he could second guess this obviously horrible decision.
“Here’s whats gonna ‘appen. Yer gonna run yer little self out there and be cute and all that shi-z. Yer gonna rock this Bass Guitar and show ‘em who’s boss, go’ it??”
Dustins eyes widened, “B-Bu’ I don’t even know how to play it, and-and…”
“Oh shush it, yer a kid. They already know it’s gonna suck but yer cute so it’ll go over fine. What happened to being a rockstar yeah?” Murdoc rose his eyebrows, it wasn’t much of a pep talk but it’s all he had.

Heads turned as a small boy walked out into state in place of Murdoc Niccals, the Bass way too big for him to properly play. Russel immediately looked back to where the boy came out, only to see Murdoc mouthing the words, ‘JuSt Go WiTh It!!’ And with a exasperated sigh, gave the signal he was going to start the next song.
2D looked utterly confused, his remark, “When di’ Murdoc ge’ so youn’?” just barely caught by the microphone, though he immediately snapped back into performance mode when he heard the music start.
Noodle was the most amused by this - what had that old man gotten himself into this time?? She trotted over to the boy with a grin, he looked frozen - staring out at the huge crowed. He about jumped when she ruffled up his hair, and showed him how to actually hold the guitar and strum it.
As usual, the song came together perfectly, that was until Dustin started randomly strumming the bass guitar. The crowd was silent, but after a few moments started clapping - he was just a kid after all, they’d humor him for the most part.
That night, the Gorillaz had the worst performance they had probably… Ever had, Murdoc soon trotting out to save his poor bandmates. Carefully taking his bass guitar back, and after a quick inspection to make sure his baby was okay - took his spot on stage. That simply left Dustin to dance around, for the most part sticking to either Noodle, or Murdoc’s side.

And for the most part things went smoothly after Murdoc took back the position of bass player. That was until Dustin suddenly stopped, he looked dazed. Dizzy, and his skin paled rather quickly. This was only noticed by some of the crowd members, the bandmates on stage too into what they were doing to see.
Russel’s eyes opened, listening to the beat and being sure to keep to it, though the strange swaying of the boy caught his attention.
Everyone paused when they heard the drums suddenly stop, Murdoc himself turning just in time to see Dustin land in Russels arms. He didn’t waste time scooping the boy up and getting him out from under the hot stage lights.

The show ended early, that night.

Chapter Text

Dustin was rushed back to the hospital as soon as the Ambulances came, Alice
struck into a worried frenzy. All Murdoc could do was hold onto the poor mother who wept freely until the doctors decided to come out and deliver the news. The bassist’s throat was dry, his good intentions had caused a catastrophe. He hated the feeling of guilt that decided to stab his stomach, and now all he could do was wait and twiddle his thumbs.
Eventually the doctors came out, and… Dustin would be alright. He explained
that the fainting episode was due to too much excitement and nerves, not his preexisting condition. It would have happened either way, and with that Alice’s shoulders sagged, and she let out an unsteady laugh of relief. Stress was slowly starting to tear the poor woman apart.
After this, Murdoc went home for the night, not before stopping by a children’s toy store. Oh yes, he was much out of place among the parents and children, but the green man was slowly getting attached to the young boy, and now he wanted to be nice. In a more… Safe non-fainty way. Murdoc decided to grab the boy a stuffed rabbit, and he even grabbed a story book or two before returning home. Smuggling the items too the room before the others could bombard him with questions. Murdoc was exhausted, and he was ready to drink himself into a stupor and pass out. Which, is exactly what he ended up doing.

Murdoc’s eyes opened, then immediately squinted against the bright light that flashed into his room. Letting out a groan, he quite literally rolled out of bed and spilt onto the floor, crawling to the window and dragging the curtains shut. After blinking a few times in order to clear his vision, he glanced at the clock that flashed… 6:35!? It was six am! It was unacceptable for him to wake up this early, especially with a head splitting migraine! What had gotten him all awake and anxious? Perhaps another nightmare… Though, he could usually remember most of them. Either way, the old pickle slowly crawled back into bed, attempting to catch a few more hours of sleep before returning to the Hospital. His eyes shut, and he fell back under soon after.
When it came around for take two of Murdoc’s rising, it was much later. About noon, which left Murdoc satisfied, though his Migraine still lingered. He stuffed the books and the dumb rabbit into a bag, slowly making his way down the stairs into the kitchen to snatch some painkillers and maybe a bit of breakfast before running off. Though, he could swear he felt Russel silently judging him the entire time he was there. Once it came time to go, he threw the bag into the backseat of his car and recklessly drove to the hospital, driving fast giving him the adrenaline he needed to wake up.

As always, Alice awaited him outside the boys room, reminding him of the rules and questioning what was in the bag. And then immediately making Murdoc regret his kindness by immediately melting and almost crying!
“You got him a little bunny?? Murdoc that’s so sweet! I didn’t think you had it in you to be… Nice! Y’know in a non destructive way…” Her backhanded compliment blinked, his eyes narrowing.
“Oi! Whot the bloody ‘el is tha’ supposed t’mean y’-” Alice quickly cut him off, though his
voice shooting up to a higher key made it almost impossible for her not to start giggling whilst shoving him into Dustin’s Hospital room.
“Nothing! Nothing! I promise!” she shut the door and quickly plopped down into the waiting chair just outside before he could turn around and chew her out!
Though, Dustin unknowingly saved his mum before Murdoc had a chance to turn around, by speaking up, “Dad!” The boy grinned, forcing Murdoc to pause a few moments. He’d… Never get used to it. Though, he’d never have too… The nasty thought made his stomach turn uneasily, But Murdoc quickly shook himself back to reality, grabbing a chair and pulling it up to the boys bedside.
“Uh. Hi. Don’t y’go passin’ out on me again.” He chuckled, plopping back into the chair, and making the boy laugh sheepishly.
“I-I’m not! Heh… I’m not much of a rockstar am I?” He looked crestfallen, staring down at his hands with a frown, upon realizing his mistake Murdoc quickly fumbled to fix it.
“Oi! Yer the best kinda rockstar, y’played till y’couldn’t no more. Tha’s givin it yer all yeah?”
Dustin formed a soft smile, which slowly turned into a grin at his fathers faith in him! It always surprised Murdoc, the effect he could have on the kid.
Murdoc spent the entire day with the child! And the next… The next… Though he hadn’t quite made the move of giving the boy the gifts for some reason. He was just afraid of… Caring too much it seemed. The boys time was limited, maybe he should just give him the items as a goodbye gift?
It was hard to watch, each day Dustin’s features looked more sunken, dark circles plagued his eye’s as his body was breaking down from the disease that plagued him. Finally Murdoc decided it was time he… Go for good. He couldn’t do this anymore, it was too much for the man.

Murdoc pulled the soft stuffed rabbit from the bag, seeing Dustin’s eyes light up in a way they hadn’t for a few weeks now. The boy could hardly lift his head, or even reach his arms out to take it. So Murdoc rather gently tucked the bunny beneath the covers with him. And when he turned to leave, the boy’s small voice piped up, “D-Dad?”
“Uh, Yeah?” Murdoc replied, turning back to Dustin.
“Can I talk to you… ‘Bout something…” He looked nervous, hugging and burying his face into the rabbit. With a sigh, Mudz plopped back down into the chair - seeing no other choice.
“What is it?” Murdoc ran his fingers through his hair, taking a moment to study his… Son. It would be the last time he saw the boy after all..
“It’s just… I-I’m scared…” Dustins eyes welled with tears, “M-Mum thinks I dunno whats happenin’ but… I listen to her and the doctor talk when they think I’m sleepin… They keep talking ‘bout me like I’m already dead. I don’t wanna die!” The child broke down into sobs, and Murdoc clenched his jaw, swallowing hard. This is what he had wanted to avoid but, he slowly moved out of his chair, and wrapped his arms around Dustin, sliding into the bed beside him. The stuffed rabbit was squished between them, as Dustin hesitantly moved to hug Murdoc along with the bunny.
Murdoc was at a loss for words, not knowing what he could say to comfort the boy in any means. He had known this whole time, and kept up such a tough front, “I-I just don’t want her to cry anymore! But I’m cryin’! N’ she’s gonna be all alone!” The boy thought about his mother, who had been slowly withering away, breaking down due to the whole ordeal. He was just a kid, and he had grown up so fast.
Murdoc had never seen himself in anything more than he saw himself in this child, right now. This small boy going through his own hardship, growing up way too fast. Just like Murdoc, the only difference is that he wouldn’t live through it. He was going to die, Murdoc couldn’t lie to him. Couldn’t tell him that it was going to be alright, that he could protect him. Because he couldn’t, there was nothing Murdoc could do to save the boy who slowly stopped shaking. Slowly get the dread set in and wiped away his own tears.
“I-I know yer scared.. But uhm. Just know there’s somethin’ better for ya, better than this shithole of a world. Okay? Yer mum’s goin’ t’be okay. I promise?” he winced at his own words, realizing he had made forced himself into a commitment. It’s not like he was going to lie to a dying kid. But he continued despite his slip up, “Look… Whenever y’get scared jus’ hug the bunny, alright? His names Mr.Bunny and he’s a damn good Bunny. And he’s like… he’s like a gargoyle. D’ya know what gargoyles do?”
Dustin shook his head no, prompting Murdoc to explain, “Well. they’re all stone and stuff until yer in danger, then they come to life and chase all the bad shit away. That’s what Mr.Bunny’ll do, same concept yeah?”
“O-Okay…” Dustin sniffed, “Dad?... Can you read me a bedtime story?” He looked up at Murdoc, asking whilst he still had the time too. Murdoc shifted slightly, then with a shrug decided it couldn’t hurt.
“Oh alright. Big bad wolf or Goldilocks?” He asked after reaching into the bag to see what he had picked. He hadn’t exactly payed much attention at the time.
“Big bad wolf!” Dustin exclaimed with a tad bit more excitement than he had portrayed before.
“Alright so here we go.” Murdoc set the book up on his lap, Dustin snuggling up to his dad. “One upon a time there was three little pigs that were bei-” he cut himself off, flipped through the pages with a bored look, then decided to take matters into his own hands, “Screw this damn book, I can tell this damn story way better!” Dustin rose an eyebrow skeptically at his father, but allowed him to continue despite his doubt, “Alrigh so there were these three pigs, who were complete assholes to this wolf guy, yeah? Two of them were complete idiots and decided -while forcing the wolf to slowly starve - to make houses to keep ‘em out. But ‘ere’s the kicker, one made it outta straw and the other sticks. The wolf knocked that shit down ‘fore they even ‘ad a chance and they both ended up with the third brother who ‘ad t’take care of their stupid asses. He was smart, and build the thin’ outta brick or whatever-”
Dustin burst into giggles at Murdoc’s crude rendition of The Big Bag Wolf and the Three Little Pigs, “That’s now how it goes!”
“Oh what? You think you could tell it betta? This is ‘ow it goes now!” He grumbled fussily, only sparking more laughter from the small boy. “ANYWAYS. The one smart pig kept the wolf from ‘is dinner and saved ‘is two idiot brothers. Yeah? Sounds bout right.” He glanced down at Dustin, who had actually been soothed by being told that trainwreck of a story. After a few moments his eyes shut, falling asleep with his arms around Mr. Bunny. Murdoc slid from the bed, pausing before leaving. A soft smile tugged at his lips, “Night, kid.” He chuckled before leaving.
Stepping out of the hospital, he glanced over at Alice, who had fallen asleep in the waiting chair. With a sigh, he realized he couldn’t just leave her there… Again. And now with his little promise to the kid, he stepped over, gently shaking her awake, “Oi, Alice.”
“Mm… Wh.. What’s goin’ on.. Is Dustin okay?” She mumbled in a soft whisper, eyes fluttering open to meet Murdoc’s. He nodded.
“Aye ‘es fine. But yer not, C’mon. I’m takin’ ya home, alrigh?”
“Bu-... I can’t just leave him here all alone!” She sat up, a little more alarmed than she had been before, Murdoc straightening and folding his arms.
“Have you looked at yerself lately? Y’look like shit. Yer kid knows it too, e’s sittin’ there tryin’ t’stay strong fer ya so you’ll be happy, and yet every day you look worse. That ain’t too fair to ‘im now is it?” He narrowed his eyes at the woman, causing her head to lower like a scolded child.
“I-I’m just… I don’t want him to be all alone… What if he… And I’m not-” She was cut off by him.
“Ain’t no excuse, now c’mon. I’ll drag yer arse if I gotta.” Alice slowly rose to feet as his stubbornness, too tired to put up a proper argument… A bed did sound nice, compared to what she had been sleeping on… A chair.
The rest of the night was a blur for her, nodding off in Murdoc’s car as she directed him to her home. He helped her into the house, tucked her in, then left before she could even thank him. Then it was off to home for Murdoc, too.

Murdoc ended up having to pick Alice up in the morning, and take her to the Hospital’s with him as well, her car still parked in the Hospital's parking lot. Dustin had taken a turn for the worse that night, but he was still hanging on. Murdoc able to stop in and exchange a few words with the boy before having to get home, having to work on the new album he had been neglecting lately.

Little did he know that would be not only his biggest mistake, but biggest regret of his life.

It wasn’t until they next day did he get a knock on his bedroom door, he had been getting ready to go check on the boy when it happened. And with an annoyed grumble, he opened the door. Though, he was a bit surprised to see Russel. That surprise turned into shock when he saw the look on his face, along with the stuffed rabbit and letter in his hands, “I.. Didn’t read it. It was from the boys mother, she looked… Uh, it’s for you.”
Russel blinked at Murdoc’s shaky hands as they slowly took the rabbit, Murdocs brow furrowing as he read the letter. His skin paling, eyes watering. “Hey man… You… You alright?” Russel wasn’t used to Murdoc showing… Any emotion… Never the less any for some kid, “I know y’like the kid… Sorry t’he-”
“Tha’ was me boy…” Murdoc looked up at Russel helplessly, tears rolling down the man's face, dropping and sinking into the fur of the rabbit. “It ain’t fair… That was me boy… He was a damn good kid... He didn’t deserve it…” Murdocs voice had softened, pathetic and lost.
Russel had always thought Murdoc to be soulless bastard but… Right now he saw more character in him than he ever had before. But before he could move to comfort him, Murdoc immediately steeled himself. Suppressed his emotions and shoved Russel out of his way, “Gotta find the girl. Don’t like what she wrote.” He forced a growl, not allowing Russel any time to retaliate.

“I thought he’d want you to have this back, to remember him by. I’ve decided to give up, I wasn’t meant to be a mother. At least not in this world, but I look forward to seeing him in the next, very soon. Thank you for everything.

- Alice

Chapter Text

Adrenaline pumped through his veins, the slight intoxication caused hs driving to be unsteady, haphazard. Pitch black darkness enveloped the area around the road, causing his focus to remain on the dimly lit highway before him. He was speeding quite a bit, but right now he knew he couldn’t waste time.
He understood the words, knew exactly what was going through the mourning mothers head. Her son had died, the most logical step was to join him - right? He had to stop her. What Murdoc didn’t understand is how he had come to care so much, over a short period of time. Perhaps it was because of the injustice of it all, it was cruel, unfair, and partly Murdoc’s fault.
They both knew the dangers all those years ago, they both knew how horribly it could end - but with the promise of never meeting the kid… Murdoc agreed to the quick lay. He let her bring a child into the world only so he could suffer and die. Murdoc knew that story all too well, except he did everything in his power to survive. But abuse and diseases are two completely different stories.
Murdoc was woken from his thoughts as a car’s horn went off, tires screeching as he avoided rear ending the other diver by just a inch. Focus, he needed to focus. Grab the girl, check her in a Mental Institution, and finally be done with this mess once and for all. Christ, if it hadn’t been for the fact he dropped her off at home a few times - when the poor woman was too tired to drive on her own… Well. He’d be shit outta luck, then again it wouldn’t of been his problem at that point. Unluckily.
Mudz made a sharp turn into the shitty neighborhood the woman lived in, head desperate whipping from side to side until his hands landed on the house number.

409.

-----

He was gone, her little boy was gone. The one she loved, cherished, taught and watched grow from a tiny baby to a darling young boy. She’d never see that charming smile again, never encourage him to ask that girl out. Never hold him through his first heartbreak. She’d never get to see his eyes light up when he got his first car, never watch him get married, follow his dreams. Because his dreams died with him, the moment his eyes fell shut - and he took his final breath. She’d never get any of that, due to her own selfishness. Her own wants, she could have just adopted a child.
No, she wouldn’t regret having him. Meeting him, getting to watch him grow for as long as she could. But it was her fault he died, her bad genes that murdered her son. All she wanted was to see him again, and Alice had no intention of waiting. She didn’t want to suffer, though. She wanted to go out quick, painless. So there she sat, a bottle of sleeping tablets in her hand. Staring.
Well, bottoms up.

-----

He knocked, she didn’t answer. He didn’t really expect her too. SO Murdoc did the next, most logical thing to do. He broke a window. The silence he was greeted with - was less than welcoming.
“Alice?...” His voice called out, hesitantly. Slowly poking his head into the kitchen, holy hell it was disgusting. Weeks of dishes piled up, uncared for food - the smell was almost intolerable. The Fridge didn’t seem to be on - in fact the place was lit up mostly by battery powered lanterns. There hadn’t been any storms lately - so the most likely explanation was that she had poured all her cash into Dustins treatment.
Picking up one of the lamps, he made his way to the living room - the eerie atmosphere put him on edge, but he found the messy area vacant. The hallway was next, poking his head in the bathroom - nothing. The master bedroom was empty, as well. Which really left only one option. The kids room. Swallowing, Murdoc pushed open the door - lamp going inside first. He saw her dark silhouette, blankets wrapped around her. And upon further inspection - a bottle of sleeping tablets resting neatly nearby. Shit.
Murdoc spring into action, setting the lamp side - he checked her pulse… She was still alive, he had time. Though how much, he had no idea. Next step was digging in his pocket for his cell, immediately dialing 911 and rattling out the address.
He had forgotten how quickly the police could move - getting there in no less than 10 minutes, he went through the motions of directing them to the room. And getting her sent to the hospital. It was almost funny how quickly a place could bustle with life, then immediately die out back into vacant hum.
Though, they had asked him if he’d like to ride with her - he denied the offer. Murdoc was sick and tired of hospitals, plus he’d only get in the way. Though, now that the time limit was lifted off his shoulders, he decided to snoop around a bit more, specifically around the kids room.
He snatched back up the lamp, stepping to the outer walls - only to see, well, himself. 2D, Noodle, Russ. They were all there, Dustins room was littered with posters of the band, Lego’s we’re strewn about the floor. He noted the boy liked transformers, though lacked in the stuffed animal department. Murdoc swallowed dryly, his mind flicking back to the little brown rabbit. How could he do this to himself, how could he get attached like this.
He bit down on his own lip sharply at feeling it begin to quiver - expressing his emotions had never been his strong point but… Standing alone in this room, staring at things he had never taken the time to learn about the boy filled him with regret. He silently pondered how many kids out there ended up with the same fate as Dustin, but never got those final few moments of happiness. How many lives did he ruin just by having a one nighter?
The bed springs creaked with protest as Murdoc plopped down. Running his fingers through his hair - he needed to remind himself why he existed. He existed to spite everyone else, not to pity them. He existed to make music, this is the only life he would ever be able to live. He made a mistake by trying to change that. By being the ‘better person’ he made things 100% worse.
… For himself. If he hadn’t come, Alice would be dead. Dustin wouldn’t have died happy. Murdoc heard it happened in the kids sleep. That was a good thing… Right? More bittersweet maybe? With how much medication Dustin was on, it had to have been painless… Murdoc allowed his head to fall into his free hand. It was all too much, and he hadn’t nearly enough alcohol in his system to be able to process it all. For now he needed… A break.

Over the course of the next weeks, Alice recovered from the attempted suicide. Though, planning for Dustins funeral had to go on without her, the doctors thought it would be best to keep her under watch. Help her through this tough time, and hopefully come in contact with some relatives that could possibly take care of her whilst she was unable to do so herself. Though, upon her request they decided to allow her to attend the funeral. It would be unjust to do otherwise; out of anyone there she had the right to say goodbye one last time.
Murdoc himself had planned to lock himself in his room until it was over, having no interest in going - but with the joint effort of both Russel and Noodle, they managed to… ‘persuade.’
Well… Perhaps more like break down Murdocs door and inform him that if he didn’t get in the tux, Russ would make him. For some odd reason, Murdoc just didn’t like the idea of Russ changing him. Though he took his damn sweet time - and stuffed a certain stuffed rabbit underneath his overcoat. They ended up being late due to Murdocs stalling.
To him, the ceremony was mundane and drawn out. Every heartbreaking moment felt like an eternity for the hardly put together man. It didn’t help that Noodle would occasionally squeeze his hand, 2D would flash him the most innocently pitying smile. And Russ well, for once didn’t look like he blamed Murdoc for something. Which was strange, considering anytime something bad happened it ended up being because of him - this was no different in his mind.
Though, despite his unwillingness to go… Murdoc found it impossible to move. To leave, glued to the spot. Slowly the crowd trickled out, until all that was left was the for bandmates, Alice, and her watcher.
“Go ‘head back to the car. I’ll be there in a few.” Murdoc muttered in a monotone growl.
“Are you sure Mudz? We can stay…” Noodle piped up, her voice soft and caring - setting a hand on his arm.
“Yeah… Noods. I’ll be fine.” He confirmed, rolling his eyes as extra measure. Russ seemed to understand, nodding and guiding off the guitar player before she could poke and prod more. Which left 2D, fidgeting awkwardly - as if he had something to say. “Spit it out, faceache.” Murdoc attempted to hiss, though it came out less threatening than he had intended.
Stu let out a whine, gaze flicking between the ground and Murdoc himself - before he daringly lurched forward and hugged the bassist, “M’sorry Mudz..” He quickly choked out, before scurrying off - refusing to push his luck any further. It amazed him how the singer looked more beat up about the situation - when he only knew the kid for a few minutes.

There was a tense silence between Alice and him. It took him a few moments to realize that… It wasn’t tense at all. There was nothing more to be said, nothing to be said. Just something that should be done. Reaching into his coat pocket, he pulled out the stuffed rabbit. Looking down at it - a few droplets of water landed on it, soaked into the fur. Was it raining? Murdoc didn’t feel like checking. He took a few steps forward, and placed the rabbit down in front of the grave. Where it belonged. “It’s rude to return gifts, didn’t yer mum teach ya that. Dummy.” He muttered to the cold grave. Alice burst into a new wave of sobs.
And like that, he left it. Walking away from the dead child, the grieving mother. Nothing but the clear blue sky above him. It must be raining, he felt something on his cheek.
Murdoc didn’t cry.