Archive of Our Own ^beta

Felicity didn't think it was that big of a deal. She didn't know what all of the fuss was about. It wasn't like she was skipping EVERY dose of the cocktail. She was getting plenty of rest. She was functioning fine, great even! She and Oliver were closer than ever. The marathon had to be moved back due to inconvenient robbery attempt, but still...it was planned for the coming weekend and she already had surround sound and surprise effects set up.

She, Sara, and Roy had hit up Verdant after the robbery was squashed. They caught up with Thea, who was thrilled to see that Felicity and Sara were somehow friends despite her brother's romantic stupidity. Speaking of Thea? She and Felicity had grabbed coffee twice and enjoyed their mani/pedi girl date. Felicity felt like the younger woman was actually enjoying spending time with her and not just forcing the effort in an attempt to get closer to her still somewhat distance brother.

The point was? Life was looking up! Yes, Slade was still doing god-knows-what and they were no closer to finding him, supersoldiers were still popping up with increasing regularity, and Felicity was pretty sure Moira Queen had a Felicity Smoak voodoo doll somewhere she was sticking pins in because Oliver was still not bending on forgiving his mother...but...you know...things were looking up for Felicity personally. Did the fact that she felt that way make her a bad person? Hmm...

“FELICITY!” Digg growled. He was waving a handful of full syringes at her. A handful of full syringes that should technically be empty...because it was the end of the month and they'd just received her fresh package of cocktail for the next month from S.T.A.R. Labs. Oops.

“Uh,” Felicity cleared her throat and pursed her lips, “I don't really know what you want me to say, John.”

The big man glared down at her where she sat in her chair behind her station in the lair. “I want you to say that there's some mistake and you HAVEN'T been skipping doses of the only treatment we currently have for your condition.”

Felicity canted her head to the side. “Technically it's not really a treatment. It's more a suppressant. It's not fixing the...”

“FELICITY!”

She winced. “I don't lie to you, John.” She shrugged and looked down. “I don't know why you're getting so upset. It's not a big deal.”

“It's a huge deal, Felicity,” John lowered his voice and leaned down toward her, “and you know that. That's why you've been hiding it. If you didn't think what you were doing was wrong you wouldn't have hidden it from us.”

Okay, she wanted to argue against that. It wasn't like she'd thought 'Oh, I'll sneak around and do this behind the guys' backs'. She'd just...honestly she'd forgotten to take her dose one night. It was stupid and it was careless, but she'd been tired and her mind had been occupied with other things. Dr. Wells had specifically requested she keep the cocktail at the lair because it was extremely experimental (read not FDA approved and somewhat illegal). So, she couldn't keep it at her apartment and for just one night she'd forgotten to worry about the bizarre thing that happened any time she tried to sleep unassisted. And by the time she'd remembered the cocktail she'd been home and ready for bed and...it was such a damn hassle! Was she supposed to drive all the way back to the lair? No part of her had wanted to climb back in her car and make that drive. She'd honestly hoped the whole thing would have just gone away by now.

Except...it hadn't gone away...and she'd been so fascinated by what she'd found that she couldn't resist trying again...and you know, again. But she always made sure she got plenty of sleep on the other nights! She didn't skip every night. She wasn't trying to escape her life or anything. Life was looking up! But how did she explain that to John, and the silently disapproving Sara, without melting in mortification or making the top of their heads pop off?

“I...was...experimenting really,” Felicity started. She saw that vein in Digg's forehead start to throb and hurried on with her explanation. “We still don't know anything about what's happening to me, John, and we haven't had time to worry about it. Slade is a priority. The Mirakuru is a priority. Felicity's weird sleep astral projection? Not a priority and it shouldn't be.”

“Don't pretend we wouldn't have made time to work on this with you, Felicity,” Digg said. “Or that you couldn't have consulted S.T.A.R. Labs for further testing.” He crossed his massive arms over his chest and glared down at her. “You did this on your own because you wanted to. You knew it was dangerous and you did it anyway.”

Felicity glared up at him, but she knew the old 'my life, my choice' line wasn't going to fly with this scenario. She also knew that if she were in their shoes...yea, she'd be using her Loud Voice right now...loudly. Her anger deflated and her shoulders slumped. “I'm sorry,” she told him sincerely, “I should've come to you. I should've discussed the situation with my team. It was irresponsible and foolish.”

“Oliver's not gonna take this well,” Sara said.

Felicity's head snapped in the assassin's direction. She panicked. “Does he really need to know?”

“Felicity!” Digg growled.

The IT genius winced and buried her head in her hands. She groaned and rubbed her fingers over her forehead and temples. “I know, I know.” Oliver was going to have kittens. He didn't even like talking about Felicity's condition. Every time the subject was brought up, his eyes got wild, his shoulders tensed, and he started rubbing his fingers together in that tell he had like he wanted to reach for his bow. Oliver would not deal with this situation in a calm and rational manner. Felicity didn't know if it was the unknown, the strangeness of it all, or just that it affected her specifically and “Felicity is supposed to be safe” was his new motto. Why he'd taken up that motto? Not something the blonde could allow herself to dwell upon. They were friends...just friends. That was Felicity's motto and she was sticking to it.

“If you've been hiding this because of Ollie...” Sara started.

“I haven't,” Felicity told them and shook her head, “no more than I've been hiding it from the rest of you. I just...” she closed her eyes and slumped, “I know he's gonna be upset. He hates this. I saw his face after the sleep study at S.T.A.R. Labs. For some reason he's taking this harder than the rest of you...”

Sara snorted. “For some reason? Seriously?”

Felicity gritted her teeth and crossed her arms over her chest. “I know we're friends. I know Oliver cares about me, but every member of this team signed on for a certain degree of danger. We all face risks. My safety is no more important than anyone elses'.”

“If you really believe that, you aren't nearly as smart as you think you are,” Sara said. “Every one of us would lay down our lives to keep you safe.”

Felicity threw her hands in the air. “And I would do the same for you! What's your point?”

“It's different, Felicity,” Digg told her calmly. “You are...you're different.”

“You're innocent,” Sara said.

Felicity pushed to her feet furious. She spun on the assassin. “I am NOT innocent! You don't have any idea what I've done or what I've lived through.” She poked her finger in the other woman's chest. “Just because I don't know twenty different fighting techniques and I can't break a man's neck with my thighs, doesn't mean I'm some naive innocent little girl you have to protect!”

The assassin nodded. “You're right. I don't know what you've been through, Felicity, and I don't know your past.” She canted her head to the side. “But I do know that you're the heart of this team. You're the light and they can barely function without you. I watched him fall apart as you slowly faded away those two weeks and I don't want to see that happen again.”

“It won't!” Felicity forced.

“You can't know that,” John told her. He walked up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. “You know nothing bad has happened so far, but you can't know if one bad night, one bad time, and you might not be able to find your way back again.” He shook her slightly. “And I shouldn't be having to tell you of all people this, Smoak. You know better than this.”

Yea, okay, he had a point. She bit her lip and looked down. “Don't you at least want to know why I've been skipping doses?”

Sara gave a dry laugh. She tilted her head down, her lips quirked up at the corner and she looked up through her lashes at Felicity. “I think we can guess.”

“NO!” Felicity shook her head. “That's not it! I'm not...” she rolled her eyes and lowered her voice, “I'm not living out some fantasy life where I'm with Oliver, okay? That's what I'm trying to tell you.” She turned and looked up at John. She lifted her hands and rested them on his forearms where he still held her shoulders. “I know I shouldn't have done it...at least not without help and monitoring. It was thoughtless and careless. I know that.”

His expression was still severe, but he nodded. “Okay.”

“But there IS a silver lining guys,” Felicity told them, “because I figured something out!” She was bouncing up and down with excitement because she finally...FINALLY...got to tell someone. She'd been testing her theory and taking notes and...well she'd totally intended on sharing those notes with Caitlin and Cisco at some point, but now she could tell the team instead! They probably wouldn't be as excited as Caitlin, and they definitely wouldn't be as excited as Cisco, but still...they were her team and they deserved to know first.

“What did you figure out, Felicity?” Digg asked.

“They're alternate realities!” she burst out.

Digg blinked. “What?” Sara remained silent.

Felicity deflated and frowned at her surrogate big brother. “Not even a little excited? Not even impressed?”

Digg shrugged. “Does confused count?”

“URGH!” Felicity yelled. “I am proof that alternate realities actually exist, Digg! I am a traveler to alternate realities!” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared up at him. “Cisco would be squealing right now. He'd be super-impressed with my badassness!”

“Cisco probably knows what alternate realities are,” Sara noted. Felicity spun back to face the assassin. Sara wasn't nearly as confused as Digg. She shrugged. “I watched Buffy. The world without shrimp, right?”

“YES!” Felicity nodded relieved. “The theory of alternate realities is that any change, no matter how small, can alter the very existence of our reality. It's the theory that there are countless alternate realities out there which differ from our own because of different choices made and actions taken.” She paused and frowned, canting her head to the side. “It's loosely related to the theories on time travel really.” She focused back on Sara. “You know, like the theory that going back in the past and stepping on a roach can destroy the world...because maybe that roach should have scared a guy to death who ended up detonating a nuclear warhead and starting WWIII, but instead you stepped on it.”

“My head hurts,” Digg said.

Sara waved him off. “I've got this.” She smiled at Felicity. “And how do you know that you're visiting alternate realities, Felicity?”

“Because they're different now!” Felicity told her. “It's not always the same reality now. I've been to different ones.”

Sara frowned. “How do you know your actions haven't changed things?”

“Oh, I'm sure they have,” Felicity agreed, “but that doesn't explain the reality where Tommy Merlyn is alive and working with us, or the one where I'm in Gotham working for Bruce Wayne and I've never even met Oliver.” She made a face. “He's married to Laurel in that reality, BTW, the wedding photos were online.”

Sara snorted. “More nightmare than fantasy.”

“Preach,” Felicity nodded. She'd spent half an hour pinching herself and trying desperately to wake up that night. When that hadn't worked she'd ended up torturing herself by looking up every photo of the happily wedded couple she could find. When she'd woken up the next morning she'd been so affected, she'd actually considered canceling the Buffy marathon and suggesting Oliver catch up with Laurel instead. Thankfully the impulse had passed.

“So,” John was obviously trying to reason this all out in his head, “when you go to sleep, your mind leaves and goes to actual different worlds?” He looked slightly ill at the possibility.

“Realities,” Felicity corrected. “They've all been on Earth...” her face scrunched in consideration, “so far at least.”

John ran his hands over his face. “Felicity, we have got to figure out what is going on with you and we have got to make it stop. This shit is dangerous and you can't control it!”

Felicity huffed. “Well, maybe if you guys would stop trying to protect me from myself then I could learn.”

Digg dropped his hands and narrowed his eyes on her. “Don't think I've forgotten or forgiven that you decided to sneak around and test these theories behind our backs, Felicity. Just skipping your cocktail is not okay!”

“WHAT?!?”

Felicity cringed and closed her eyes. She took in a deep breath and blew it out before turning to face the stairs. Of course, Oliver would show up now. Of course, he had to find out like this. Nothing could be easy, nothing could work out RIGHT for once!

Oliver's jaw was clenched tight, his hands curled into fists and shaking at his sides. He took a step toward Felicity and nailed her with a burning glare. “Tell me you didn't.” In contrast to his stance, his voice was low and soft...almost pleading.

Felicity's stomach churned and her mouth went dry. “I...I'm sorry, Oliver. You have to let me explain.”

Oliver flinched. His face jerked to the side as though he were physically in pain. His eyes flashed with betrayal. He turned and left without speaking a word.

Felicity groaned and buried her head in her hands. Hurting Oliver was the last thing she ever wanted to do. Taking in one more deep fortifying breath, she headed for the stairs. She had to make this right somehow. Even if she had to bare her soul in the process, Felicity knew she had to make Oliver understand.

She found him on the roof of Verdant. He didn't move or acknowledge her as she joined him. He stared straight ahead into the night. “I really am sorry, Oliver. I'd...I'd like to explain if you'll let me.”

Oliver shrugged. “I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be enough. I've tried...I'm trying...”

“You ARE enough,” Felicity forced. She reached out a hand to rest on his clenched forearm. He jerked slightly at the contact, but she refused to pull away. She had to fix this. “You've always been enough.”

Oliver's laugh was bitter. “Obviously not, if you would risk going back there...if you would risk losing yourself again.” He looked down. “I know I'm not him...that I can't be him, but I'm trying to be better. I thought you saw that.”

Felicity groaned. She seriously considered the situation for a moment but then she finally decided it was time to throw all her careful boundaries out the window. She couldn't let him keep doing this...keep believing he had to change and push himself so he wouldn't lose her. She leaned against Oliver and rested her head against his shoulder. “First? You are him, Oliver. He isn't a completely different person. He's you. He's just...he's willing to allow himself to be happy, and for some reason he chose to be happy with me.”

She saw Oliver's head turn in her direction, but she kept her eyes glued ahead. She couldn't face him and finish this. “Second? I have noticed you trying. I've...I'm trying really hard not to read too much into it. I'm trying not to overreact and jump to conclusions and make a complete and utter fool of myself over you. Because spending time with you? Being close to you? It makes me want things, Oliver. It makes me want very non-platonic things. And it's dangerous for me to want those things because I'm almost positive that you are still cookie dough.” She closed her eyes and shook her head against his shoulder. “Less than a month ago, you were with Sara, Oliver. You, sir, are not yet cookies.”

“Am I supposed to understand what that means?” Oliver asked.

Felicity grinned and nodded. “You will...when we finish watching Buffy.”

Oliver sighed and closed his eyes. “And you plan to be around for me to watch Buffy with?”

“Most definitely,” Felicity nodded again. “I wouldn't miss it for this world or any other.”

Some of the tension drained out of Oliver's frame. He rested his head briefly on top of hers. “I'm holding you to that.”

“Understood,” Felicity said. She sighed in relief.

“And I still expect a damn good explanation for what the hell you've been up to by skipping your cocktail,” Oliver's voice hardened.

“Yea,” Felicity agreed, “I figured.” She pursed her lips and turned to look up at him. “So...what have you heard about the theory of alternate realities?”

He frowned down at her confused. “Like the Wishverse?”

Felicity's mouth fell open and she bounced up and down in place. “I'm so proud! You really GET me!”

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