Work Text:
Talking it Out
Aaron spent a few moments more than necessary making the tea. He had to think about what to say but he was not sure. He had a feeling though, a feeling that things would not be the same after this conversation, that things would never be the same again.
A few feet away Robert was composing himself, he knew what he wanted to say but Aaron had heard a lot of it before and it had changed nothing. He was tired now, so tired and while he did not want to give up he was willing to if there was no hope. He smiled ruefully on the inside, every thing pointed to there being no hope, after all the text earlier had shown that, yet Aaron was making tea instead of replying….
‘Here you go’
‘Thanks, you know I can go, I was being daft earlier, you might want to reply to the message’, an attempt at nonchalance was failing.
Aaron shot him a glance and noted the ring back on his finger.
‘I will later….Robert what was wrong before?’, Aaron spoke softly, a tone he had not yet used with Alex.
Robert was making a judgement call, would he brush it off or was it time to lay cards out on the table.
‘I lied’
‘Yeah and in other news’
‘I lied to Liv that day up at Home Farm. She was telling the truth, I did tell her that I still loved you and that I hated Rebecca and the baby and the whole sorry mess I created for myself, for all of us. That was the truth’
‘I know’
‘Huh?’
‘I knew that once she told me what you had said to her, I knew you were up to something up there and that her going up shouting off put everything in jeopardy. That’s why you shouted at her, made her feel like dirt and drove her to drinking brandy’
Robert looked at the fireplace as if it was the only thing in the room. Part of him badly wanted to leave but he would not.
‘I’m not trying to be harsh Rob, you lie, you cheat, you do anything’
‘Aaron…please, I’m not that…’
‘You are, when something matters to you, that is what you are. You told me that.’
Aaron raised his eyebrow and Robert remembered the conversation, he remembered virtually all their conversations. He almost smiled.
‘What was going on up there mattered to you, a lot, more than Liv, more than me, more than anything’
‘No that’s not true, nothing matters more to me than you, you and Liv’
Aaron stayed quiet. He did not want to be cruel or harsh, this was not the purpose of any of this. Slowly, very slowly it was beginning to dawn on him that the purpose of this conversation was the opposite of cruelty.
‘Robert, there are times when you would do anything for me. Those chairs there are an example, Jason going around with five grand in his arse pocket is another. I know that, I’ve always known that’
His phone lit up, a phone call, a call he had no intention of answering and he did not feel overly guilty. That may tell him all he needed to know.
‘What’s it like?’
‘Huh?’
‘With him’
‘Robert’
‘I know I have no right but he’s this perfect doctor, who saves lives while I seem to actively destroy them. A long list you know, Chrissie, Liv, you’
‘Rob, come on’
‘Well what is it like Aaron?’
‘He’s nice, he is a very nice guy and we have gotten on well so far’
‘Have you?’, he regretted it as soon as he had asked ‘no, that’s none of my business’
‘It isn’t, you are right about that.’ he took a breath, ‘we have, we did quite early, I just wanted sex, you know the line about getting under to get over’
‘Yeah, told myself that a few times in the past’
‘It’s bull’
‘Huh?’
‘Robert, I loved you, so much it frightened me witless. Then I hated you, hated you as much as you hated yourself. But still I couldn’t not love you so no, sleeping with Alex, having sex with him, did not help me get over you’
‘You’re still seeing him though, you don’t lead people on’
‘I don’t and I’m not. We are having a good time and anyway his rotation ends at Christmas and he will be moving on’.
‘Oh’, he got up and went to the fireplace running his fingertip across it.
‘You checking for dust or summat’
‘No, um all the photos of us are gone’
‘Yeah’
‘Just like us I suppose’
They allowed their eyes to meet, each trying to figure something out. Images of ripping each other’s clothes off and just going for it there whirred through both their minds. Robert shook himself first, he was not going there. This, this was something, he did not know what, but he was not going to do anything to mess it up. He turned towards the clock, Aaron saw his rear end and every sinew fought the urges he had.
‘I cried you know’
‘What?’
‘I saw him come in here that day that Liv came home from the hospital. I was outside. I hid under the gate pier and I cried’
‘I see’
‘I hated how I felt and I hated that I made you feel like that’
‘I did and all’
‘What, come on Aaron he can’t have been that bad, I mean not as good as me’
‘Cocky, Rob. No after he went, it was as if I was closing a door on something, on us and that well that upset me’
‘And now’
‘I reckoned you had closed the door when I saw you this morning without the ring, then I realised that that wasn’t the way it was when you came over’
‘And the door, is it open a bit now’
Aaron looked at him, his jaw was twitching, his hands were in his pockets, like they always were when he was nervous.
‘Yes, Robert the door is open, I never really wanted to close it’
‘You felt you had to and the reason for that still exists Aaron’
‘I know but look around us that can be ok but how do you feel about the baby’
‘The baby will exist because of one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. He will represent the fact that I broke your heart and broke us.’, Robert was almost whispering now.
‘He will still be yours though’
‘Yeah and I want to be a part of his life, she will let me’
‘Will she? What if she finds out what you were at, what you are still at’
‘I hated her, hated all of them wanted to destroy them but that was me being like a spoiled teenager blaming everybody for their own mistakes. I’m done’
‘What?’
‘When I left here today I went up there and told Laurence that I wanted to leave it. He was rather pleased, I’ve called off the investor as well’
‘You were behind that’
‘The plan was elaborate Aaron, I would have been lord of the manor eventually maybe but I’m not that person now. I might have slipped back a little but this morning someone I care about told me I was better than that’
‘Were they cute that person?’
‘Very, especially when they’re wearing Chanel Blue’
Robert moved towards the sofa and sat down.
‘Aaron, I’m not able to stop loving you and even if I could I wouldn’t want to’.
All that could be heard was the clock ticking.
‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that’
‘Rob, all this time I’ve either loved or hated you but I have never not felt something. And now, right here right now I just feel like I love you as much as I did the day I fell in love with you for the first time’.
Robert leaned in.
‘Can I?’
Aaron didn’t answer, instead he leaned towards Robert and their mouths met, tongues exploring while their hands held each other’s heads in place. They eventually just hugged.
‘You were wrong you know’
‘About what’
‘You did more than ruin my life, you saved it twice, if you hadn’t I wouldn’t have had one to ruin.’
‘What now?’
‘I need to ring Alex in the morning’
Robert jerked slightly although he tried not to.
‘I need to tell him that he and I need to call things a day and then I think we should, I don’t know go on a date or two’
‘The baby?’
‘I know, and I will be able to deal with it this time, I promise’
‘We will need to arrange how to organise things, I will be upfront’, he was interrupted by a yawn.
‘I think we need sleep, we can talk about this more in the morning’
‘Yeah’
He got up and went for his jacket.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Going home’
‘You’re exhausted, come upstairs, you can sleep in my bed’
‘You sure’
‘Sleep Robert, yes I’m sure’
‘Will you be able to resist me’
‘I’ll try but I think exhaustion will look after that, I just want to wake up next to you tomorrow’
Robert smiled and rubbed his eyes.
‘Couldn’t imagine a better place to wake up’.