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Ha Sungwoon is a cloud—and clouds, they never stay at one place; they move. They are always in the move completing a full circle of the earth. May it be sunny, raining, hailstorm or even hurricane, the clouds move.
And so, does Sungwoon. He moves. He had always moved relentlessly, that is why he has such an optimistic personality. Everything that comes in his way, he just heaved and accept things the way they are—numbing hardships, stifling struggles, painful sadness—they come and go, so, it is better to just get on with it. This is the thing that let him get to where he is right now despite the numerous thing that fell on him— hotshot's inactivity, joining produce 101, being overshadowed by other Avengers' team members, getting negativity due to his connections, getting kicked out of never team, being rejected by open up team, being repeatedly rejected of center position—it stings to even think of that so he must always move, leaving the bad things behind lest that they catch up to his future.
But right now, at this moment, as he sat on the wooden bench by the river alone—after he faked a smile at taehyun and told the older boy that he needed some air— he cursed his parents for giving him a name too hard to live up to.
Right at this moment as the clouds above his head glide across the bright blue sky happily, his heavy feet were glued to the asphalt brick ground. For the first time, he felt like he is no longer a cloud.
The legs that ran so quickly forward back then seemed like it has slowed down and the heart that burns brightly back then seemed like it has been extinguished.
The clouds never stop moving, but at this moment, Sungwoon feels like he might just do.
"what are you doing?"
A sudden gentle voice snapped him out of his reverie. At first, he thought the voice was only in his head before suddenly realizing that he was in a shade of a long shadow which made him look up—squinting his eyes against the bright shine of the Sun.
Choi Junhyuk was there standing towering him with a serene face—his black hair ruffled softly by the slight breeze.
Upon the elder’s appearance, all the intrusive thoughts that gathered at his forehead earlier dispersed slowly like a deflated balloon as his lips instinctively quirks up.
"Oh, hyung," the puff of breath that pass through his lips was mixed with relief and hesitancy, "you came?"
"Eung," the elder boy affirmed before plopping down on the space beside Sungwoon. His lanky figure felt solid meters away from the younger’s one as the bench shifted in weight.
"Taehyun said you'd be here," he continued, the bench creaking as he leaned backwards, casually positioning his body towards Sungwoon.
Involuntarily, the younger boy's tongue darts out to moisten his lips. There is pitter patter in his heart—the sound that a marble usually makes before crumbling. His body is still bend forward, his bottom resting on the edge of the wooden bench and his hands were nervously playing with the loose thread of his jeans—if Junhyuk knew better, he would think the younger one is trying to slowly become one with the ground.
"Ah," he replied noddingly—his mind is void of any way of continuing the conversation upon the niggling thoughts (though has deflated) that still run amok in his head. He can feel a migraine coming as he pressed the heel of his palm to the side of his head.
The bench was a big one and both of them are sitting at the end of it, still somehow Sungwoon can feel Junhyuk's presence so close to him—rather than seeing, he could feel the elder’s lips itching to frown as he kept the casual smile there, his eyes though are soft filled with serious awareness and his insisting patience felt like a solid wall lined with soft dark roses.
Being an independent one, Sungwoon tries to never crave attention or comfort, he tries to crave nothing but to have the strength to place his foot in front of another. Back then, before meeting the hotshot members, it was too easy doing that—to detach himself from others. But now, after prolonged exposure to intimate skin-ship and being spoiled to no end, Junhyuk’s presence makes him feel like falling.
He can handle Moonkyu's smiling face filled with pitying affection, he can handle Taehyun's eyebrow quirk that tells him he doesn't believe Sungwoon's bright smile a bit but willing to play along with it, he can handle San's worried face that is hidden behind playful face goading him out of practice, he can handle Hojung's transparent face that brightens quickly once Sungwoon smiles to affirm that he is doing just fine, but he cannot in any way handle Junhyuk's whole presence sitting casually beside him—waiting him to fall back on him.
As if it's a black hole, he is afraid that he might not have the courage to climb back out again.
"Hyung," he started suddenly, wanting the stillness between them dissipates, "have you ever seen a still cloud?"
"What?" The word passed his lips in a surprised manner catching a hollow chuckle from the younger one. Straightening his back, the younger one repeated, "clouds, do they ever stop moving?" before looking up to the blue canvas.
Slightly confused, Junhyuk followed his gestures and direct his eyes to look at the sky. Despite the bright shine, the wind is picking up its pace providing small comfort against the hot summer.
The clouds too—Junhyuk noticed—seemed to be gaining speed, gliding carelessly across the sky. The whole sky whirled like a lava lamp—bright and moving, clueless to its audiences.
Comprehension fell like dominoes in his head.
All this while, this is how it feels like looking at Sungwoon at Produce 101, he thought.
"Theoretically, if there is no wind and the earth stopped moving, they would." Junhyuk muttered suddenly, surprising a single chuckle out of the younger one—what did he even expected from his walking-wiki leader.
"but in reality," the elder boy continued before trailing off to sudden silence—becoming aware of the words he is about to say.
The stilled silence felt like a slap to Sungwoon as he heaved a deep sigh.
"It won't," he said before letting his head down into his hands—the heels of his palms pressed hardly against his eyes till he sees sparks.
It is enough for a day, Sungwoon thought. The clouds move, and that is that—he has to move. Perhaps the gaping wounds would heal in the flight, that is what he had always do anyway.
Letting out an exhausted yawn, he stretched and got up—the bench whined loudly over the sudden loss of burden as Junhyuk's eyes trailed his small movement.
Instinctively, the elder boy closed his eyes from a moment to gather his strength and wit—he is the pillar of hotshot, he has to do something.
Sometimes he wonders, was it a really good idea letting them go on the show—whether he was selfish by choosing not to go. But he remembered the looks on the members faces then—while others' faces were filled with doubt, Taehyun and Sungwoon's were filled with curiousity and determination. The two troublemakers had always been competitive and he could not help but to confide in them for the fact that after years of living together, the two still manage to make him amazed with their talent and bright personality. They both having made up their mind alongside San—who claimed that if he can beat Sungwoon in Overwatch, for sure he can beat Sungwoon in this too although it was apparent he only volunteered to even out the number of people going and staying—then looked anticipatingly at him, waiting for their leader to give his agreement although his agreement was never needed.
And he knows his place is here where it had always been, the pillar of hotshot. That position or responsibility is not something he is willing to sacrifice—not for his sake but for his members' sake. Support meant more than unwilling entrance and support is vital in a competition that will make them question their worth, so, he readied his shoulders for his members and nodded.
When his eyes fluttered open, he was going to say his usual words of comfort –not even sure that it would be enough—only to be rendered speechless by the view before him.
The soft sienna haired boy dressed in his usual washed out jeans and blue striped shirt blended effortlessly with the scenery; several kids flittered about the colourful playground meters away, their thrilled shrieks slightly drowned by the peaceful swoosh of the ever-flowing river behind them, the wide pane of the blue sky is scattered with fluffy white clouds obscuring the blinding shine of the Sun—it was bright, as bright as the boy standing in it.
But when his eyes reached the younger one's figure—heavy shoulders lined with tensed anticipation and troubled face still facing the sky, the picture cracks like a shattered glass piece. Junhyuk can see those bricks he carefully stacked before slowly cracks like they are made of glass instead of rocks.
And the blundering idiot has the nerve to keep on walking without taking notice of the things that hurts him.
"Hyung," he spoke suddenly—breaking Junhyuk's muddled trance.
"let's go, it seems like it will rain soon," he finished as he shot the sky a troubled look before carefully looking at Junhyuk.
Junhyuk had to physically force his head to turn away from Sungwoon's face to the look at the farther side of the sky.
Although it is still bright, several grey clouds flittered a few meters away from above their heads. Even the white clouds are moving away quickly as if they were eager to make way for the upcoming rain. It does seem like it is going to rain soon—in fact a whole downpour is to be expected as he caught the slight rumble of thunder. Funnily, the weather forecast expected no rain today given the dry summer haze but the sky must have detected the earth missing the sweet drench of water.
"There is still a little bit of time before the rain," he muttered in reply.
Confused, the younger boy scrunched up his face. It is not raining yet but if they do not leave now, they will definitely be drenched on their way back home.
And as he was still in the competition, he had to be careful with his health.
"look at that," he said, ignoring the younger boy's evident disagreement by jerking his chin towards the parade of grey clouds earlier, "the grey clouds are moving slow."
"but—"
"Those clouds are heavy," he said, cutting off the younger one's words.
"They absorbed too much water and move slowly trying to drag the heaviness forward. But when they couldn't bear the heaviness anymore, it will rain," he said before calmly looking at Sungwoon trying to convince him that he is trying to make a point instead of just running his mouth to prove that he is a walking-wiki once more.
"In reality, it's rare for clouds to stop," he said evenly as Sungwoon dropped his head, tongue darting out once again to moisten his cracked lips—hearing it once was more than enough.
"That's why they fall instead—to gather the strength to move forward."
The younger boy heaved a deep sigh, he knows the elder one is trying to make a point with his lavish words but the longer he stands in front of him, the more he feels like falling to the ground.
"gureum-ah," the elder one called, loosely gripping the younger's one wrist.
The combination of the strong yet gentle grip around his wrist with the soothing voice calling him by his nickname just pushed the knife deeper into his heart.
"h-hyung," he stuttered, feeling a rush of sobs clawing its way up to his throat.
"I know it's hard, I know it's tiring, I know, okay? You acting like you are fine doesn't convince us at all."
"At there, you can be the independent bright A class leader Ha Sungwoon who is great at taking care of people, who is always careful of his words, who works hard to prove he deserves higher ranking but here," the elder one lightly rubs a circle with his thumb on Sungwoon's soft skin before continuing, "don't be like this."
The younger boy's eyes were filled with unshed tears as Junhyuk peeked at his face, his plump lower lips were bitten down to hold back the urge to cry.
He desperately wants the old Sungwoon back right now—he tried to be matured as he watched the show, hardships and sufferings are beneficial to a character development after all, even he could not deny the growing pride inside him when he watched the younger boy led a team on his own when he had only been the spoiled younger member in hotshot.
But as time passes, as Sungwoon grew quieter, more wary around others at the show that sometimes he forgets to strip the look off at dorms, Junhyuk felt the pride slowly crushed into dust suffocating him to the point of tears.
"Here, you are our Sungwoon," he said in a raspy voice, the congestion in his heart finally surfacing.
"If you grow tired, just lean on us."
"Lean on me."
Take all of my strength, he wanted to say but instead he let the words silently dispersed in the humid air around them as a thunder crackled—surprising both of them.
Junhyuk does not know which falls first—the droplets from the dark sky or the droplets from the younger boy’s pained eyes. It does not matter anyway, he thought, because both bring an imminent downpour—the cold rain pelting harshly against the brick road accompanied by the deafening thunder and the warm tears trickling unendingly across the younger one's cheeks accompanied by the hacked sobs passing through his trembling lips.
He got up grungily—he hates this. He hates the gloomy darkness caused by the dark clouds on their heads, he hates the harsh droplets pelting their faces, he hates the sound of Sungwoon’s painfully repressed sobs, he hates Sungwoon’s small hand pressed hard pressure on his eyes trying stop the tears, he hates the turmoil residing in his heart that sounds a lot like the harsh whooshing sound of the river accepting the rain pelts, Choi Junhyuk had always been a loving person but he hates this so much, he hates everything.
Standing up, his long arms automatically went to wrap themselves around the smaller boy's frame—his left hand around his heavy shoulder and his right behind his head—stroking the rapidly soaking hair softly as he pulled him closer to embrace him.
The younger boy rested his head in the crook of the taller boy' neck—drenching Junhyuk's favourite black and white striped shirt with his tears and his hands tightly gripping each sides of the taller boy's shirt.
Despite the harsh raindrops pelting on them, Junhyuk could feel each warm trickle of tears that passed from the younger boy's eyes wetting his exposed neck to the remainder of his shirt. Even the crackle of thunder seemed modest against Sungwoon's cluster of spasm that followed his choked sobs.
"Don't worry, hyung will be here for you," he said, resting his head on Sungwoon's.
I will hug you, whenever you grow tired lean on me.
I will hug you first you don't have to worry a bit.
Whenever you grow tired cry as much as you want.
“hyung will be beside you.”
“we will be beside you.”
“please,” the boy replied brokenly, burrowing himself deeper into the embrace.
Junhyuk nodded quickly as he hummed in reply, “always, you are not going anywhere without us.”
*
“hyung.” His word came out muffled with his raspy voice but clearer now than before.
The harsh shower ended minutes ago, now only mist-like droplet is in the air, the petrichor is sweet and fresh with the Sun's dimmed shine.
Instinctively, Junhyuk squeezed him tightly as a response.
It made the younger boy let out a muffled chuckle—it warmed him a bit—a vibration they shared together that is no longer coming from a sob or cold shiver.
“Stop it, you’re going to suffocate me,” he replied—trembling voice laced with thin amusement.
Loosening his grip on the elder's shirt, he unattached himself from Junhyuk's thin figure, “we should go home now, timo hyung is going to throw a fit.”
Slowly, Junhyuk retracted back his arms to grip the younger boy's shoulders.
The sudden move startled Sungwoon as he almost fell on his feet—he must have been leaned too forward—but Junhyuk’s strong grip on his shoulders quickly righted him on his feet.
At the look of the elder’s panicked face, he laughed again.
The elder let out a tiring sigh to reprimand the younger one but even then he could not stop his lips from breaking into a wide grin over Sungwoon’s annoying laugh. All those rain is worth of the bright sunshine, he thought.
He shook his head for a moment before retracting back his hands to his side and looked at both of their drenched clothes. Sungwoon’s light sienna hair has turned dark and water are dripping slowly from them.
There is a pool of water residing beneath them as their cold clothes drips endlessly into it. He could feel the coldness to the end of his bones as a shiver ran down his spine.
Sungwoon caught his eyes after he examined his own drenched clothes and they both broke into a laughter.
“We’re doomed.”
“You mean, I’m doomed and you’re going to get away from it, you spoiled brat.”
“Hyung, you spoil me too.”
“hm-mm,” “that’s right, I spoil you too because you are too cute,” he spoke cutely before pinching the younger’s cheeks until he squeaked out of pain.
Upon the sudden squeak, he pulled back his hands as Sungwoon's hands flew to his cheeks, rubbing them softly.
“It hurts!” Quickly, Junhyuk backed away as he laughed—the heavy rocks in his heart has crumbled, leaving only light air.
“Ah! Hyung, wait for me!”
He stalks over to the elder, his wet shoes squelching loudly.
Over there, beside the big acorn tree, under the orange sky with the humid air between them, Choi Junhyuk stood there with his idiotic smile waiting for Sungwoon.
The rain has fell and now it is time to move forward, Sungwoon thought as he reached Junhyuk.
"Ah, it hurts!" His smile fell quickly after the younger one jabbed his stomach hard.
"Who gets home first gets the shower!" The younger one yelled loudly as he quickly makes his way to the dorms. Junhyuk's legs are long but thank God, he runs faster.
The elder could only smile in reply as he tries to catch up with the younger one.
Just move forward, I will be behind you.
if you stop, i'll be right in front of you.
if you fall, i'll be right beside you.
if you move, i'll be right behind you.
I'm still here I will always be near you.