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She was surprised he had asked to see her. She was even more surprised she was allowed to stay overnight. She had the feeling Mycroft had not known the true nature of their relationship, even with all the surveillance she knew Sherlock was under, or else he would never have allowed it. But she was spending his last night in London in his arms, and there was no place else she would rather be.
Oh, they never should have started a relationship. It had all began under circumstances she would rather have had be different. Tom had known, at the reception after John and Mary’s wedding, that she wasn’t over Sherlock. He had known it so much more clearly than she did because she vehemently denied she loved Sherlock. But he had been adamant and said he wanted all of her heart and there was no way he would have it, not with Sherlock in London, not with them being friends. But he’d loved her, he did, and bowed out so her heart could have what it wanted.
But oh, she had been so angry at Sherlock. So angry at him for ruining everything, and she had gone outside to follow him, to yell, to be angry at him, and she had just taken one look at his face, looking miserable in the rain they were both caught in as he tried to have a cigarette. She stopped because the truth hit her like a ton of bricks: What she wanted was him. It had been for so long and Tom was right and she had felt awful.
And then they had kissed and...that had been all it took.
She had been free of her engagement, she knew that, but she had felt so disgusted with herself for what she had done, and even worse waking up in the morning being held close by Sherlock. Guilt had eaten at her; it wasn't cheating, not really, because she had given Tom the ring back and the engagement was over, butshe had let Sherlock slip back into her heart like a thief in the night and hurt a good man in the process. She didn’t want to see Sherlock again, not for some time, and so she left before he woke up.
Then it had been distance, not talking, and she found out later he’d started in on his case against Magnussen, cozying up to Janine. And, of course, there was the row in the labs, and the last thing she had thought was her life would be so much better if Sherlock was just gone.
Unfortunately, she almost got her wish.
It wasn’t until Mary and John’s separation that she saw him more. John was at Baker Street, Mary was at their home, and she and Sherlock shuttled between the two trying to keep friendships alive. Eventually, it just happened that her home was a safe zone, a place for the two of them to just relax. Slowly, the two of them went from friends who had become strangers to friends again to...more.
And the timing couldn’t have been worse. They had only been more for a short time before he threw it all away.
Oh, she knew he would do anything for John and Mary, and perhaps they were, in the end, more important than her. She counted, but they mattered. And all she would have was tonight before the hole in her heart would come round again, this time to never be filled.
I’m leaving
This cold world of mine
No pleading
Is gonna turn back time
She held him closer as the ghost of music on the radio slipped over them. She didn’t want him to go. She knew he wasn’t going to come back. This was a one-way trip, she had been told. His penance for his crime.
She wondered if it was worth it. If taking that horrible man’s life had been worth it. And as he stirred, looking at her with half-tired eyes, his brief rest was over, she felt it wasn’t. It would never be worth it. And when he kissed her, rolling her onto her back as he covered her, she wondered just how long she would last before her broken heart got the better of her and she joined him. How she loved this man so much, she would never know, but tonight, she almost wished she didn’t.
Because tonight would be all they really had, in the end.
Could I feel your skin on mine
Before I have to say goodbye
Could I breathe, please, one last time
You’re in my lungs before I curl up
And die
All my world is losin’ light