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Topjoy pressed himself into a dark corner, hugging his legs as he stared at the ground in front of him. It wasn't right, but it was, and yet it wasn't. He knew he shouldn't expect it, that it was stupid and selfish and wrong but how could he not? Of course, he was just thinking about himself again, always himself never others never about what others thought or their feelings or-
He choked out a quiet sob, a small, awkward smile slowly making its way on his face as he continued staring into nothingness. No one liked him, it was painfully obvious with the way he acted and talked and- But he could see it in their faces, in their body language and voices and he knew they tried to pretend that it wasn't true and that they liked him and that he was their friend and Topjoy knew he was stupid but not that stupid. Or maybe he was and he was just making stuff up again just like he always did. Just trying to ruin it all or...
Or he was right.
He was right. Of course. They hated him. Who didn't really? Another sob left him, tears beginning to gather in his eyes as his arms tightened around his legs. Topjoy considered leaving, he always considered it, when he laughed and his teammates frowned when he made a joke and someone commented that it was inappropriate or poorly timed or not even funny; he always considered it. Now was a good time as any to leave, to get away from all these Leaguers that clearly wanted nothing to do with him yet for some reason outright refused to tell him to leave.
The smile on his face tilted slightly, almost appearing amused despite the distant look and tears in his eyes. He was being stupid. "I... I could just leave, ne," he murmured out loud, without realizing it. "No, no, I can't though. I'll be back. Of course I'll be back, I can't stay away. I'm pathetic, ne."
He moved his visor out of the way so he could roughly wipe at his eyes. "I'm-" stupid and pathetic and useless and I get on everyone's nerves and they hate me and it's because I'm stupid and they know it and they don't think I know it but I do and I don't do anything about it and they hate me and why can't I do anything right and it's stupid I'm stupid I just mess everything up why can't "-I do anything right?"
Topjoy's eyes suddenly focused as he looked down at his arms. Maybe-
COWARD
IDIOT
USELESS
GOOD FOR NOTHING
WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT
STUPID
SELFISH
ANNOYING
WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL AROUND IS IT BECAUSE YOU'RE SELFISH AND JUST WANT TO BOTHER EVERYONE I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY TOLERATE YOU
Right. He was too much of a coward and too selfish to do that. Always too selfish always too scared and cowardly. Can't do anything right never can always ruins things everything would be better without him and Topjoy knows he shouldn't be thinking that and that it isn't true but it is true and these thoughts were always so destructive but so accurate and more truthful than his teammates ever were to him. They lied and tried to make him feel better and pretended they accepted him but Topjoy knew, he knew that they were just lying. They were just trying to be nice because that was their personalities but they could only take so much and he knew he was stretching it and that he had to stop but he couldn't stop why couldn't he stop why why why-
A small cough snapped him out of his thoughts and Topjoy quickly looked up. "Magnum," he stated more than greeted, staring blankly at the other Leaguer.
The Baseball Leaguer shifted slightly from where he stood near the door. "Topjoy, are you..." Magnum hesitated, taking a small step forward. "Are you okay?"
Topjoy knew what would happen. Magnum would shower pity on him and try to comfort and console him and tell him he was wrong and that he cared that the whole team cared and that he was perfect the way he was and that he was there for him and- "I'm fine, ne!" Topjoy said cheerfully, bouncing to his feet. "Just hiding from Windy!" He leaned closer, as if about to tell him a secret. "I think he's trying to prank me, ne."
Magnum still seemed troubled and Topjoy briefly wondered if he had seen through his lies but then Magnum chuckled slightly and shook his head. He believed him and was annoyed, if only slightly, at him for being so childish and hiding from Windy and making him have to fake being worried and Magnum shouldn't have to take time out of his day to pretend to worry about Topjoy because he could tell the pitcher was exhausted from the earlier game still. "Are you okay, ne? You look like you haven't gotten repaired yet," Topjoy said quickly, jumping forward to inspect Magnum.
The red and white Leaguer blinked at the sudden invasion of his privacy and Topjoy knew he had messed up again but he continued anyways because he couldn't stop why couldn't he stop and he knew he was just being annoying but he was trying to be selfless and help his teammate but he was doing it to distract him and he was lying to him and that made him the worst person in the world- "I was actually on my way there," Magnum explained. He glanced back at the exit before turning to face Topjoy. "You're... you're sure you're alright?"
Magnum doubted him and that was bad he might figure it out he might realize Topjoy was lying to him and that he knew that no one liked him and that wasn't good and he was taking too long to answer- "I'm better than alright! I'm happy, ne!" Topjoy grinned and that seemed to be enough for Magnum because he returned the smile before saying goodbye and leaving.
And Topjoy stood there with that small crooked smile on his face, long after Magnum had left. "I'm fine, ne. I'm fine," he whispered to himself, hugging himself as he stared down at his feet. "Can't you guys see? I'm happy, ne."