Archive of Our Own ^beta

    He had killed her. That he knew all too well. The thoughts of her invaded and continue to do so as he stands atop Wall Maria with Reiner. What he did and has done is unforgivable and the one person who who forgave him for his actions is as good as dead.

    Bertholdt had revealed himself to her unknowingly. The teenaged cadet had been looking for him, hopefully to help her with her 3DMG. What she had found was far worse. The (e/c) girl overheard the two best friends talking in great detail about the fall of the wall. Her heart clenched at their words and a gasp escaped her lips. Two sets of ears heard the sound of her breathing and immediately silenced themselves.

    The pair of titan shifters knew what they had to do. Eliminate the problem blocking their goal.

    But, the gentle giant couldn't bring himself to do it. It might have been because of Reiner's infatuation with her, or the fact that maybe someone could see them as the monsters they are but human as well. He had seen her interact with the other trainees in their class. He would never admit it, but Bertholdt has been overhearing many of her conversations about the fall, wondering why she hadn't given up their true identities.

    He remembers her giving a description of her experience of the falling wall with a cadet.

    "When the wall fell, all I could think of was why? Why did all of this happen? There has to be a reason for this, nothing like this can possibly just happen. But it had. Soon, my village was overrun with the humanoids."

    "Humanoids? They're horrible ugly beasts!"

    "How can you be so sure? Isn't it strange how they look like us? To me, on that day, they seemed so sad. As if, this isn't the life they wanted. What if there's something more to them?"

    "(F/n), those things have killed so many people!"

    "Do we know why? We need to figure out what caused them to be in such pain and agony where they have no clue of what's right and what's wrong. Someone took away their lives, their reason to live. I wouldn't want to wish that on anyone. And besides, they can't help themselves. What if that's all they know how to do?

    "We can help them."

    If only she hadn't had that talk, if only she had kept her mouth shut. Bertholdt knew exactly what she had meant. She was talking about him and Reiner. Luckily she didn't know about Annie so no one could truly suspect her. He never thought that a mere human would show him mercy. Or that a human would consider him human.
 
    If he had left her alone, and let her think whatever she thought without him interfering, he wouldn't be feeling this way. His heart wouldn't have diminished to pieces upon finding out they had taken her. And now because of him and their secrets, two people he loves dearly are paying the price.

    After he fled with his two comrades, in the distance he saw her frame being apprehended and tied down to one of the horses. He could see her (h/c) tresses blowing in the wind as she fought for her life. The ones holding her down had struck her face, tainting her (s/c) cheeks. The only reason she is in this situation is because he messed up and fell in love with her.

    She accepted him, all of them, and that's what is going to get her killed. Since he has lots of knowledge of the military, he knows of their policies on torture and treason.

    She wouldn't last a day.

    Bertholdt stands tall as he takes a hand out of his pocket to catch silent tears that fall from his eyes. He stares at his hand, watching the salty liquid move between the creases as more fall. This was the hand he used to reach out to her for her love and support and the hand that was too far away to save her.

    He couldn't help his lover.

    He knew the outcome as his gaze looks out over the horizon, studying and thinking of what the next step is for them.

    But for (f/n), there is no next step or plan of action. When he said 'I love you', he knew it was already over for her.

    And he will carry that guilt with him until his last breath.