Chapter Text
Spencer Reid awoke to the buzzing of his phone at the ungodly hour of 03:45. The day before, the team had just finished up a case in Sacramento, putting two criminals behind bars and rescuing the lives of two women who were dangerously close to being murdered in the process.
The team had more cases open but Strauss insisted they head home and get as much sleep as possible. None of the agents complained; any night in their bed, in their own home, was a night well spent. Hotch and JJ were especially happy that they got to head home. The case reminded them of how important a strong, structured family is and it made them both miss their kids.
Reid, on the other hand, was probably the only one who wasn't looking forward to going home. In fact, the idea of being in his apartment brought anxiety. He tried his best to hide the feelings from his team members but they all saw through. Luckily, they all thought he was just eager to get on with the next case and get yet another criminal locked away for good.
But they were very wrong about that. The main reason Reid didn't want to go home was Sebastian, his boyfriend. He was a young Greek man that he met at the opening of a new museum in town. He was tall, tan, toned and sweet. Immediately, Spencer felt a connection with the man. Sebastian was smart; not as smart as Reid but a suitable match.
For the first two months, it was just a platonic relationship. They sent text messages, made phone calls; anything to keep in touch while Reid was away. The idea was to just see if they'd be suitable for each other and as it turned out, they were.
Sebastian eventually asked Reid out, to which he said yes. How could he not? For the first time since Maeve, he found someone he felt understood him. Albeit, it was a guy but he wasn't one to turn down a decent chance at a relationship. Spencer may have been awkward but he did appreciate love in every aspect. He loved love and being loved and being in love. Sometimes it didn't feel natural to him, but this was one of the times where it did. Where everything felt like it was aligning perfectly for him and he appreciated it.
Things were good for the longest time. Spencer truly felt like he snagged a good one. He'd always come home to presents after a particularly hard case. Usually books to read and add to his growing library. Sometimes he got figurines. He loved Star Trek and Doctor Who and he was excited by the little figurines. It was hardly anything big as far as size goes, but it was big to Spencer. Every loving gift showed his boyfriend paid great attention to his ramblings. That's all he ever really wanted anyway; someone to pay attention to him, all of him. Even the most minuscule things that nobody else would care about, that's all. He wanted someone's undivided attention and he felt like he finally had that with Sebastian.
He was so happy, so blinded by love that he failed to notice all the changes in front of him. Slowly, his loving boyfriend pulled away. He spent longer nights away from home, he grew agitated with Spencer's long hours; in fact, he grew agitated with everything Spencer did. Spencer didn't understand why. He was sure there wasn't anything in particular he did to set him off. Spencer was mostly the type to keep to himself. He was essentially a ghost in his own life and he supposed that maybe that is what the problem was; his lack of existence in his own world. in their world.
At first it was just ugly glances directed at Reid when he did or said something that bothered his boyfriend. Then it escalated to yelling; never on Reid's part. He'd never gotten angry enough to appear intimidating or raise his voice. He tried to keep a passive attitude. Naturally, his personality was too submissive for him to attempt to be dominant towards his boyfriend. But his boyfriend had a hot personality. Reid had learned that from how possessive and agitated he became if someone got too close to Spencer. But he never had turned against Reid.
Spencer just dealt with it. He figured it was a normal part of their relationship and after all the angry feelings had cleared, they'd sit down and talk about everything that was bothering them over some nice takeout. He never really had enough experience with relationships to make a valid judgement. He was book smart, and to some extent, street smart. But he wasn't smart in the aspect of relationships. He was too timid, too meek. He wasn't the type to take control of the situation and lay everything out on the table. He'd just wait until things boiled over to address them. Or at least wait until he was sure his partner was acknowledging the same problem.
His team, at first, didn't know he was seeing anybody. But after all the phone calls on the plane and at hotels, and the unmistakable smile that tugged at the corner of his lips when he read a text message. They were all profilers after all and Reid wasn't easily able to hide anything from them. They were the closest thing to family besides his mother. They never knew the exact nature of their relationship. For instance, they had no idea it was a guy he was seeing. They just assumed he found himself another girl, and finally met another match to make him happy.
They never pressed and he never indulged.
They could tell he was happy and secretly, that made them all happy, too. Spencer was the youngest and smartest team member. But he was also the shyest and anybody who could break him out of his shell was definitely a good match for him. It was becoming rare to see him smile wholeheartedly and his team were just grateful that whoever it was was able to put some light into the darkest parts of Spencer's life.
Even though he was an expert profiler, he didn't account for the turn his relationship could take.
One day, after a hard case in Miami in the middle of the summer, he came home around 02:00. Fully prepped with a bottle of wine, (that he only ever drank when he was particularly in a sour mood and never by himself) he entered his apartment, ready to settle down with his boyfriend and read his collection of Shakespeare poems that he always read to ease his nerves.
However, it didn't quite go as planned.
As soon as he entered his apartment, he could sense something was wrong. It was too dark, too stale. It was too quiet but he knew his boyfriend was home and he knew he wasn't asleep. Spencer had parked his car right next to Sebastian's and his boyfriend had an awful habit of snoring in his sleep (which he denied on every occasion that Spencer brought it up). It was a loud type of snoring that could be heard in virtually every corner of the apartment, even through the closed bedroom door. Spencer felt worry and nausea begin to take root in the pit of his stomach, gnawing away at him quickly.
He didn't expect the blow; that surprised him. It was a slap that resonated throughout the small, eerily quiet house; a slap that'd surely leave a bruise by the morning, maybe even some swelling. Spencer wasn't used to being hit like that. In fact, he can't remember a time in his life when he ever got hit so hard that it made his head spin. His parents never even disciplined him like this as a child and that made the feeling all the more confusing as his face burned hot and tender in the darkness of the room.
"What was that for?" He asked, a hand cradling his cheek. It ached and throbbed and he felt blood begin to pool in the corner of his mouth where he was sure his lip had been split open.
The light was flipped on and he was faced with the very angry face of his boyfriend. Although, this look was different from anything Spencer had seen before. Then again, he'd never hit Spencer before either so the look in his eyes wasn't misplaced. It did, however, send bolts of fear through Spencer's body as every cell conveyed its urge to run after being presented with a sense of danger.
"Where the hell have you been?" Sebastian asked, his voice oddly vexed.
"I was working," Spencer said, his voice softer than he intended, portraying a weaker sounding man than he wanted to appear to be. He was confused and the last thing he wanted to do was show his fear but it was undeniably seeping through in his voice and facial expressions.
"Speak up when you're talking to me." His voice was strong and intimidating and Spencer shrunk back against the front door.
"I was at work," he repeated, his voice louder but still airy.
"It's been five days. No calls, no texts. You really expect me to believe you were at work the entire time?"
"It's the truth."
"Who's Jessica?"
The question surprised Spencer. He wasn't quite sure how his boyfriend knew her but it kind of unsettled him that he did.
"How do you know her?" Spencer asked quietly, realizing answering a question with a question was never a good idea but more intrigued about how this knowledge came about in the first place.
"She left you a voicemail three hours ago. She said you said she could call anytime; that you'd be there for her." Now Spencer understood why he was so angry. To anyone else, it would probably seem very suspicious getting a phone call at almost midnight from a random woman.
"She was the family of one of our victims. I was the one to give her the news about the case. I gave her my number," Spencer said, still feeling very on edge around his boyfriend. He was hoping the truth would've set him at ease but it seemed to do the opposite to him if anything.
He didn't like it. Not once in their whole relationship did he feel so afraid of his boyfriend. Not once until today. The spite was radiating off him and it was deeply affecting Spencer's ability to concentrate on the situation. His mouth felt dry and his whole body felt hot and clammy. He felt like his skin was melting off of him and he wanted so badly to disappear at that moment.
"Don't do it again. I don't want random people calling you at odd hours of the day because they need you to hold their hand," He said, backing away from Spencer slightly although never taking his hardened glare off the other man. He was doing everything to appear domineering and it was working as Spencer shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.
"I was just being friendly," Spencer said softly, not understanding why he was being so cruel.
If something happened to his family, wouldn't he want someone to be able to reach out to? Besides, Spencer truly understood what it was like to lose a close loved one. He figured he could offer some helpful insight into coping with grief. Although maybe not. Truth be told, he never really got over Maeve. Time didn't heal his wounds, it just created an irreparable distance between his heart and hers.
"You're an FBI agent; your job is to catch criminals, not deal with someone else's grief. You're not a therapist." That was his final statement before he angrily stalked off towards the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. Spencer heard the lock click in place and knew that tonight's conversation was over and that all that was left for him was the chill air hanging in the apartment and the pain that had moved its way into his heart.
"I'm sorry..." His voice was a whisper and it was said more to himself considering Sebastian was long gone.
Spencer was sorry. For what, he wasn't sure. He just knew it'd be in his best interest not to try and argue. So he backed down. Although, he was never up to begin with so he just fell further into the rabbit hole. Something in the other man's body language and voice was just giving all kinds of nasty signals to avoid any further confrontation and Spencer was so tired and dazed that tapping into his subconscious feelings at the moment just didn't take priority.
That night he slept on the sofa with a heavy heart and a sore cheek. The next morning he went out and bought makeup, which was embarrassing for him, but he needed to cover his bruised cheek. He opted out of telling his team. He figured it was a one-time thing and it'd never happen again. That's always the thought process, isn't it? It'll never happen again; they're too good to me. Everyone has bad moments where they lose their tempers and it doesn't really mean anything, does it?
But it did happen again. Almost every day that he was home for the next two months it seemed. But he got smart. He didn't go for Spencer's face anymore. He chose places that could easily be hidden with his clothes. He always made it seem like an accident too. Bumping into Spencer forcefully in the hallway, "accidentally" elbowing him in the ribs when he passed by. But when Spencer was working Sebastian would always send him texts.
"I'm sorry."
"I didn't mean it."
"I just get so angry sometimes."
"It won't happen again."
Spencer never said anything. He couldn't. He felt trapped, physically and emotionally. He finally understood why every battered woman said they couldn't leave their abusers. He was dependent on his boyfriend. He loved him and trusted him and to throw that away over his boyfriend's unkind temper just didn't seem right. Most of all, Spencer was petrified of being alone again. He already lost someone he loved so tenderly that he would do anything, give anything, just to have some semblance of a relationship.
Even if it killed him inside, Spencer felt like he could take it. So he did.
*
He groaned in pain when he rolled over to unlock his phone. Judging from the pain, he most likely had multiple bruises on his back. Sebastian had pushed him into the bookcase last night and then forced him to stay up to put away all the books that were displaced. He slept in bed that night with his boyfriend nowhere to be seen. He left after he was sure that Spencer had cleaned up. It was evident that he hadn't come home. The bed on his side was still made and the house was completely silent except for the gentle hum of the ceiling fan in his room.
It was comforting now, the silence. Before, coming home to silence just reminded him of how lonely and isolated he was. How much he craved human contact and how even just the sound of someone else's voice would be enough to soothe his soul. Now though? Now he looked forward to being alone again. It was his only reprieve and his only chance to relax and gain a sense of normalcy and control over himself.
He sent Hotch a quick message, letting him know he'd be into work in about 30 minutes. He needed just enough time to get a shower, relax his muscles and work on hiding his new and old bruises. Then he'd practice his composure and head to work to pretend like everything was okay. Nothing was okay but nobody needed to know that. Nobody needed to know that his life was a wreck and falling apart at the seams and that waking up every day was beginning to feel like living in an awful time loop where nothing goes right. It was torture.
He walked into the bullpen, his satchel draped over him and a cup of coffee that he picked up on the way in his hand. He didn't see his team so he figured they were already being briefed on the case. He walked into the briefing room; quickly apologizing for being late and picking up the tablet to look at the crime scene photos.
"Three victims, all female and all in their early twenties. They were found dumped in an alleyway," Garcia said, pulling up the photos on the monitor.
"Any idea how long they were being held?" Rossi asked.
"No idea. All the victims were single so there was no boyfriend to report them missing. The parents have been notified but it seems that all three victims were estranged from their families," she replied, sitting down beside him.
"What about work?" JJ asked.
"Harriet Jones, the first victim, was unemployed. The second victim was a nursing assistant but recently put in for a vacation although it would appear she never made it to Panama. The third victim was a veterinarian but, surprise surprise, she was also on vacation. It appears she didn't make it either."
"What's with the marks on their backs?" Spencer asked, zooming in on the photos.
"Yes, those. All of the victims had lacerations on their backs."
"They all have a different number of cuts though. The first victim had two, the second had three and the third had five. So what do they mean?" Morgan asked.
"They look like tally marks," Spencer answered.
"Tally marks? What for? Is the Unsub numbering his victims?"
"Seems like it. But what do the numbers mean? Are we looking at the second, third, and fifth victim of this guy?" Rossi questioned.
"Unlikely. From the looks of Harriet, it was this guy's first kill," Hotch replied.
"There are also marks on the bottom of the victim's feet. Glass was found in the wounds of all the victims," Garcia stated.
"Well there are no ligature marks so how's he restraining them?" Derek inquired.
"Maybe he's not. Maybe wherever he's holding these victims there is enough space to let them roam," Rossi supplied.
"Yeah but isn't this guy afraid they'll escape?" Derek asked again.
"Maybe that's what he wants. To see if they can escape," Spencer replied, wincing when the table dug into one of his bruises. He looked up to see if anyone noticed and saw Derek giving him a strange look. Spencer quickly averted his gaze back to Garcia.
"Then maybe the marks on their backs are scores of some type." Rossi leaned back in his chair, gently tapping his fingers on the table.
"Maybe. The case is in Atlanta so we will have plenty of time on the plane to theorize; wheels up in thirty," Said Hotch, giving his usual shtick.
The rest of the members grabbed their stuff and headed back down to the bullpen. Spencer waited for everyone else to leave before getting up himself. He winced again when he straightened up, the bruises along his spine feeling worse than they did this morning. He was certain it would be several more days before they began to heal to the point of no pain, assuming of course, that no new bruises popped up to replace them before that happened.
"You alright, pretty boy?"
Spencer nearly jumped out of his skin, his brown eyes going wide when he realized Derek was still standing in the room.
"Uh... Y-yeah, fine." He gulped, uncomfortable with the gaze of the older agent upon him.
"You sure? That's the second time I've seen you wince today. Are you in pain?"
"You know, actually it's just sore muscles but we better get going."
"Reid," Derek said, his voice soft. He gently placed a hand on Spencer's shoulder, rubbing it soothingly. Although it wasn't very soothing for him because there were bruises there too. But Derek didn't know that; he didn't need to. That and well, being touched sparked fear in him now. Even though one person was the cause of his pain, he couldn't help but feel like everyone was out to get him.
"If there's something you wanna talk about then please do. I'll listen."
Spencer just looked at him. He looked into Derek's eyes and knew he was being truthful; being a good friend. But what was going on isn't something he wanted anyone to know about. Certainly not Derek. He already felt like he had to prove himself to the team. One for being so young and two for being so small and fragile-like.
But he always felt safest when he was with his team. They were his family and he loved them but there's always something you don't tell your family, no matter how close you are. Some things are too personal, too embarrassing. Spencer got picked on nearly all his life so it wasn't really anything new to him. But he still felt emotionally disconnected from his surroundings.
Out of all of his team, Derek was the person he was closest too. Besides JJ. But JJ was like a sister to him now. Derek was different. He felt like Derek was more than a friend but not close enough to be an older brother. Their relationship was purely platonic but sometimes it wasn't.
Spencer always wondered what all the teasing and flirting meant for the two. But over the years he realized it was just Derek's nature. Derek was bold, confident and certainly a lady's man. It wasn't uncommon for him to flirt with people. But Spencer seemed to be the only guy Derek flirted with. Between all the pet names and sly winks, Spencer didn't know where their relationship got so weird.
He didn't allow himself to think too much about it. He knew he never really had a chance with Derek. Morgan certainly didn't seem like the type of guy to dig other guys. Not to be judgmental, but he was your typical womanizer. Even if Morgan was interested, it was unlikely it'd go anywhere. In all the time Spencer had known him, he hadn't seen Morgan with the same girl twice. Spencer wasn't the kind of person to accept just one night with someone. He wanted the rest of his life.
He respected Derek but he couldn't deny the fact that it upset him. Derek was strong and courageous, everything Reid wasn't. He had to admit that Derek would most likely be a very fascinating lover. Both in and out of bed. Nevertheless, it wasn't really any of his business, now was it?
Spencer shook his head, trying to get the image of a half-naked Morgan out of his mind. It wasn't very easy, having an excellent memory and all.
He sighed, wondering if maybe keeping this a secret wasn't such a good idea. Spencer had dealt with cases regarding abuse. He'd read many things about domestic abuse and none of them were good. He knew the longer this played out, the worse for him it'd get. His boyfriend would only get angrier and Spencer would be his outlet.
He didn't want to live in fear of his boyfriend, he truly didn't. But he'd gotten so emotionally attached that he was afraid to give that up. He felt like maybe if he'd tried a little harder with his relationship that his boyfriend wouldn't be so volatile now. Maybe if he was home more, maybe if he was more loving and attentive this wouldn't be happening. So many maybes and what-ifs that it drove him mad.
The physical and emotional abuse was all that was present now but Spencer knew that as the relationship progresses, it could escalate into sexual abuse or threats on his life. He didn't want it to escalate but letting it continue was the only way of latching on to the good parts of the relationship. Isn't that what relationships are all about? For better or worse? This was certainly the worse part but just how much worse can it get? How much worse will he let it get, was really the question.
He knew the situation was awful but he loved his boyfriend and if power and control made him happy, then who was Spencer to deny him that? He could get what he wanted and Spencer would still have someone to go home to, even if it wasn't exactly the situation he imagined. He wouldn't have to be completely alone and that mattered to him more than it should have.
Spencer was so caught up in his thoughts and feelings that he failed to notice his colleague patiently waiting beside him, praying for some kind of response from his friend. Spencer was too tired from arguing with himself so he just walked away from Derek in silence, his mind weighing him down. He needed to focus more on this case than his relationship. But he couldn't help but feel completely depressed and hopeless at that moment. In all honesty, he felt like crying his eyes out and apologizing for nothing. That seems to be a common theme as of late: crying and apologizing where nothing is to be apologized for.
Even though he tried his hardest to drive his thoughts away from despair, he felt himself falling further and further out of reach.