Work Text:
"feels like i'm holding you down
but you won't leave me alone
and you're holding me now
but i'm so far away from you"
shiro let out a breath he didn't realise he had been holding. it had been another hard day of training relentlessly, of struggling to create a plan to defeat zarkon, who seemed to be gaining power at an alarming rate, and of attempting to avoid his own problems in fear of facing the terrible consequences that would follow. a year under galra captivity messed him up more than he would care to admit to anyone, even himself, and even to keith. he couldn't even bring himself to talk to his best friend, his boyfriend, about what was plaguing him most and he hated himself for it.
he looked over at black, and thought about how she could be the key to defeating zarkon somehow. zarkon was still connected to her, even after 10,000 years, would it be possible to fully bond with her? was their bond unbreakable? how was zarkon able to bond and communicate with her even though he's thousands of light years away? he tried to stop himself before the endless questions consumed his thoughts but it was too late, he was haunted by questions without definitive answers. he forced himself to relax, running his hand through his hair and unclenching his jaw. it seemed that all he thought about now was zarkon and voltron and saving the universe. he didn't have time to think about himself and what he needed to do to get better and to return to who he used to be, but that shiro was long gone. there was no hope for him, he lost who he was and after that, what could he ever have? another question that had no answer. he had keith, he knew that, but keith alone wasn't enough. shiro knew that he couldn't —well shouldn't— depend on him, keith would drop everything just to be with him and take care of him. he couldn't ask him to help him, it would be too much, he was already enough of a burden.
from his flashbacks, which happened uncontrollably and at the most inconvenient times, such as in the midst of battle and training, to his self-hatred, which was more than some small issue, it ran deep and infected his veins causing shiro to barely look in the mirror anymore. all he could see when he looked were the atrocious things he did to his undeserving victims. he shivered, the images flooding into his brain. countless bodies, destroyed and barely recognizable, all of them being countless species in front of countless galra, applauding and cheering, as he ruined yet another life. his breathing became faster, he could feel himself slipping into an episode. he knew that the smallest thing could trigger him and this time he did it to himself, he allowed himself to think about what he had done. he could feel himself dissociating. "shiro," he thought he heard keith's gentle voice but he wasn't sure. "shiro," he heard a shout and knew that this time it was, in fact, keith but he couldn't bring himself to respond. "shiro!" keith's concerned voice and shallow breaths from sprinting pierced his ears.
"shiro," keith said one final time, "are you okay?"
shiro laughed bitterly at that, he was barely holding himself together, the mere thought of being okay seemed impossible by now. "yeah, never been better." he paused and his voice became quieter, more genuine. "you don't have to worry about me, i'm fine."
shiro made eye contact with keith whose eyes flashed with concern then immediately softened. he was overcome with guilt because he knew what he was doing to keith, he was lying about who he was and how he felt and keeping secrets that were going to end up wrecking him, and he knew it wasn't right but he couldn't stop now. he had been pretending to be okay for far too long and telling the truth would be difficult, keith would know what he's been dealing with for months and that terrified him. shiro began to open his mouth to say something, he didn't know what but it would be better than the silence that was pressing in on both of them.
keith spoke before he did, "shiro, it's okay to be honest with me. i'm here for you, i always am and always will be. you've got to stop thinking like that." he gently placed his hand on shiro's shoulder.
"like what?" he knew the answer but he was holding onto the minuscule chance that keith didn't know what he was going through.
"like you deserve less than what you have. like you're a monster who isn't worthy of love and support or being happy, or at least okay."
shiro remained silent, his human hand shaking. he felt keith's other hand grabbing his and he almost, almost, caved in and revealed his struggles. "you're not a monster. you deserve every good thing you have and more. just because you're the black paladin doesn't mean you can't express the negative emotions you feel. you're allowed to show vulnerability, you're allowed to talk to me about what's bothering you. it's what i'm here for," keith removed his hand and gently placed his hand onto shiro's cheek. "you're what i'm here for, and anything you need or want, i'll get it for you if i can, shiro. i mean it."
shiro leaned into the touch and embraced keith. he usually felt at home when he hugged him, the pressing issues that consumed his mind went into the background and all that mattered was keith. he usually found safety and love in keith's embrace but this time was different. his own flaws and weaknesses refused to stop racing through his mind. he froze. his unfavourable thoughts never ceased, they were nonstop. he was galaxies away, stuck in a tortuous cycle that he couldn't escape. even in keith's arms, he couldn't find the relief that he needed. if he didn't have that, what was the point in trying?
"there's no home
no home like the one i found in you
now you're running away
oh to feel like a child again..."
keith noticed something was off with him, he noticed the way shiro's jaw was always clenched and the way his shoulders seemed to carry a little too much weight. he knew shiro better than anyone else did, he was who shiro was closest to and loved the most. or at least he hoped so, his boyfriend had been refusing to tell him exactly what was bothering him. he would offer tiny glimpses of what he was experiencing, but no more and it was heartbreaking to keith. he just wanted shiro to know that he was going to be there for him, regardless of what he was forced to do when he was with the galra. he wanted him to know that he would be okay one day, it took time but there was nothing wrong or weak with trying to get better.
he knew that shiro depended on being the black paladin because it gave him a sense of self, he lost everything when he was captured by the galra so he latched onto the leadership role that was presented to him as soon as he escaped. being the black paladin allowed shiro to become almost an alternate version of himself, one that was supposedly confident and without fault, but they both knew it was a façade. he could only pretend for so long and it pained keith to admit that but it was true, he was destroying himself by imposing ridiculously high standards on himself.
the shiro he knew now was so similar yet so different to the shiro he first knew, although both were home to him. the shiro who was captured by the galra pretended to be all the things he once was. happiness and confidence came naturally to him before kerberos but now, he had to work for both of those things and he tried to hide it from keith but he could see the way shiro struggled with seeing his self-worth, he saw the way shiro believed sendak when he called him a monster. it broke his heart to see him tearing himself apart like that.
shiro was his home, his safety, his comfort, his everything. he had never loved anyone more and he wasn't sure that he'd ever be able to. he was who he depended on, he was the first person to know his troubles and joys; shiro meant the world to him.
keith decided to check up on him so he went to black's hangar. he found shiro looking at black vacantly, concern filled him. he shouted shiro's name and didn't receive a response, he began sprinting to him, hoping it wasn't too late.
when he arrived to a stunned shiro, panic overtook him. he wondered how long he had been like this and if he was going to be okay so, he asked. the response was sarcastic and it stung a little bit but he knew that shiro meant no harm, it was how he coped and then there was a pause, and then a slightly more genuine response. he was at a loss for words, there was so much he wanted to say but he couldn't figure out how to express himself correctly. he was quiet for what was probably too long trying to figure out what to say and the silence between them was suffocating, it was peculiar. the stark, white walls of the hangar were louder than they were.
finally speaking again, keith offered words of comfort and encouragement, he was repeating himself but he figured that it might help if shiro heard it one more time. "you're not a monster. you deserve every good thing you have and more. just because you're the black paladin doesn't mean you can't express the negative emotions you feel. you're allowed to show vulnerability, you're allowed to talk to me about what's bothering you. it's what i'm here for," he touched his cheek. "you're what i'm here for, and anything you need or want, i'll get it for you if i can, shiro. i mean it."
before he could fully register what was going on, he was pulled into an embrace. with his boyfriend's arms wrapped around him, he almost forgot how worried he was. although it didn't last long—he felt shiro go stiff and pull away.
confusion presented itself on his face as shiro muttered an apology with red cheeks and began walking away, seemingly embarrassed. keith sighed and leaned against black, she was always so patient and stoic, he wondered how she did it. of course, he knew she couldn't answer but he was desperate. he would do anything to save shiro no matter how many times it took or how much it beat him down. shiro was there when no one else was and he wouldn't give up on him nor would he sit idly by while he was suffering.
"and the song he sings, he brings to life for you
it's all for you
it's all for you..."
the halls he was walking down were blurred, the doors and the walls were one in the same. he couldn't tell the difference, he didn't know, or care about, where he was going. he just knew that he had to get away; away from the black lion and away from keith and away from his thoughts. keith. he silently cursed at himself, he left the red paladin by himself in the hangar with no explanation of where he was going and why. he deserved some kind of explanation, it wasn't fair. keith willingly gave so much to shiro, he didn't know who he would be without him. he was constantly there for the black paladin and offered unconditional love and support.
shiro found himself at his bedroom door out of habit, relief filled his body when he realized he didn't end up at keith's room seeing as how he spent an equal amount of time there. he made his way over to his bed, not bothering to change for he was far too exhausted. the days were blending together, his life was battle after battle, whether it be against the galra or against himself. waking up in the morning was difficult when he already knew what the day ahead had in store for him.
his thoughts came back to keith and the multiple ways he tried to help shiro. he was why shiro was able to return to a kind of normalcy, he helped shiro become human again. when he was captive, laughter was a distant memory, as was sunlight and any kind of joy. when he escaped and reunited with him, keith taught him how to laugh again, how to feel a sun's rays on his skin and bask in the fact that he was simply alive, and he attempted to teach him how to become more than just the black paladin. that one he was still working on. it was the small things that helped, lunch with keith in the library, a date consisting of them walking around and talking on a peaceful planet they came across, bonding with the other paladins, little, humane events. the red paladin managed to make something out of nothing and bring feelings that shiro thought were long gone back. the majority of what he did he did for him and it pained him to just walk out on keith like that, but the other choice was too difficult.
"and the words he places on the page just can't admit
this song's for you
this song's for you..."
keith was left standing by himself in black's hangar, he was slightly confused but he finally, absolutely knew that shiro wasn't as fine as he was pretending to be. every muscle and bone in his body ached, it had been weeks since he had last gotten a good night's sleep and the constant battling was wearing him down even more. still, he decided to train. zarkon could show up at any time and he deemed it better to be awake and prepared than asleep, plus training offered a distraction.
the castle was huge and he had been living in it for months but the sheer size of it impressed him every time. he took one of the many shortcuts he knew to the training room and practiced until he could barely move. in the midst of battling, he didn't have time to think about anything else. his focus was on his sword and his enemy and what was going to happen next. he always felt better after sparring. the thrill of a good fight left him satisfied and made him feel as if he could do anything. even so, he headed back to his room knowing that he needed to sleep at least a little bit.
from the corner of his eye he saw something peeking out from underneath his pillow. curious, he grabbed it and unfolded it. the handwriting was shiro’s. he had no clue what it could be about, he started reading,
“the nightmares have simultaneously gotten better and worse. they aren’t as frequent but they’re far worse. they range from losing keith because of zarkon to reliving my days in the arena in front of the galra to failing team voltron. they're terrifying and extremely vivid, there seems to be no way to stop them and it worries me.
In one of the nightmares, i was back in the arena. i felt the coldness of the weapon i was yielding and the excitement buzzing around me. the thousands of galra surrounding me cheered, my adversary looked terrified, as they should have. they've heard the rumours, they knew that i was the champion, they knew that i was going to win. i flashed the biggest smile i could and raised my weapon in the air, the cheers were ear-shattering. the battle began and i felt the frenzy, my sword began slicing through—"
keith stopped reading. he quickly put the paper down and tried to clear his mind of shiro, his shiro, doing terrible things and enjoying them. the thought was too strange, shiro would never take pride in harming innocent creatures, or would he? the black paladin had been different since his galra captivity, which was understandable, but keith never imagined that he would be this different. his curiosity got the best of him and he continued reading after skipping a paragraph or so.
"but on another note, everything is almost too much. i'm the leader of voltron, keith and lance and hunk and pidge all depend on me to lead them. allura and coran listen to me. the universe is depending on me. the pressure is extreme but it's what i need. i have to have something to distract me from what i have done and what has been done to me. i feel as if i have to be this hero who's unable to show my weaknesses. the pressure to divulge my worst memories and fears is overwhelming. i know he doesn't mean to pressure me, but it often times feels as if he is. i will talk about things when i am ready to, i wish he would understand. i figured he would but i guess we have both changed since we last saw each other."
the last part stung and he physically couldn't continue reading. keith crumpled the paper and threw it off into a corner of his room, not really caring about where it went as long as it was away from him. he laid down, neglecting to change his clothes. he was too devastated by what he just read, he never wanted to hurt shiro or make him feel bad in any way. he laid down, wishing what had just happened was a dream.
"feels like you're holding me down
but i can't leave you alone
and i'm holding you now
but you’re so far and lost to me"
shiro awoke to the brash sound of coran's alarm that was broadcasted throughout the castle to "prevent any paladins from sleeping in too late." coran enjoyed having breakfast with the paladins and allura and tried to do everything he could to make that happen so that they all got up and made it to the dining hall on time. shiro groaned, he didn't want to get out of bed. it was so warm and cozy, the only thing missing was sunlight coming in through the window he didn't have. that was one of the many things he missed about earth. he left his room, rubbing his eyes and desperately not wanting to see keith. he was still too tired to explain why he left. he loved keith but sometimes he could come on too strong.
to his dismay and joy, somehow both, he saw keith walk into the dining hall. the red paladin looked deep in thought and almost sad. shiro immediately became worried, ready to ask him if he was okay and if he wanted to talk about it. they sat down next to each other, like usual, but it seemed as if keith hesitated before doing so. “morning love,” shiro began. “i’m sorry about last night. i was overwhelmed, i still am but i feel a little better now. i shouldn’t have done that.”
“it’s okay, shiro. but maybe next time say goodbye, i’ve been worried about you.” keith sounded sincere with his words but they seemed impersonal almost. “how’d you sleep?”
“surprisingly well, i didn’t have any dreams. how about you?”
“are you sure? i know you said you haven’t had any nightmares in a while but i’m sure one is bound to happen soon,” he tried to make the words sting, he tried to make shiro feel at least a little guilty for lying to him. “you can talk to me.”
he noticed how his boyfriend avoided the question but decided against bringing it up, if it was truly something that was bothering him he would talk about it. “i’m sure.”
the other paladins slowly trickled in and by the time everyone was there, keith and shiro were finished. shiro greeted all of them and let them know that today was a break, they wouldn’t be saving any planets or battling any galra unless the fight was brought directly to them. pidge looked relieved, she had been working nonstop on trying to find her family and she was getting closer every day. shiro hoped that they were okay, matt was one of his closest friends and commander holt was almost like a father figure to him. hunk and lance high fived and allura smiled. days of rest were far and few in between. they were all being pushed to the extreme, they were sleep deprived and homesick and shiro wished that he could do something more to help.
shiro asked if he could stop by keith's room later because he had been wanting to talk to him and keith told him to come by any time, neglecting to ask why he wanted to talk or why he was asking to come into his room, they pretty much shared their rooms. the reason was that zarkon was worrying him, he was able to find them anywhere and he needed to come up with a plan to figure out how to stop him. keith was intelligent and strategic so he figured that it would be easier to come up with a plan if he had two people working on it. he returned to his room, changed his clothes, and then left for keith’s room.
he knew the way to keith’s room as well as he knew the way to his own, they frequently slept together because it provided a sense normalcy and of course, they loved each other. on earth, they would sleep with each other, they weren't together but they found comfort and home within each other, both had lost so much. keith and shiro were the only constant thing in each other’s lives, other people would come and go but at the end of the day it was always him. their love for each other could destroy galaxies, conquer their worst enemies, and survive anything. or so he hoped.
shiro knocked gently against the crisp, white door, not wanting to disturb keith if he had ended up falling asleep again. keith answered the door, running his hands through his black, disheveled hair which was almost long enough to put into a ponytail, his deep purple eyes were bloodshot, as if he had recently been crying, and were not making contact with shiro's. he was dressed in a tattered, grey tank top and his usual black pants, but he wasn't wearing his gloves. that part puzzled shiro. his voice was ragged when he spoke, "hey shiro. you can come in, i wasn't doing anything."
shiro entered, they both sat down on the red paladin's bed, took a deep breath, and began informing keith of why he wanted to talk to him. "if you don't want to talk about this, let me know but i've been worried about zarkon. every attack leaves us exhausted, both mentally and physically. the castle can't take the damage he causes and even voltron has a limit. neither can we," keith nodded, all too aware of the extreme amount of stress all the paladins had been through. "i know we're close to defeating him, i can feel it. we just need a plan, there's always the blade of marmora but allura is wary of them and doesn't want to go to them. zarkon will continue to grow more powerful, we have to stop him before it's too late, we're the only ones who can."
"i know. we should go to the blade of marmora, they have thousands of years of information and they have spies within zarkon's ranks. they're our best hope, maybe our only hope. allura will have to put her hatred of the galra aside for a day," his voice changed when he said that, it sounded almost distressed, shiro was about to interrupt but keith continued, unwavering in his borderline fierce tone. "this is war, we have a limited number of allies, we can't be picky, especially when it comes to our strongest one. the blade of marmora is our best choice. of course, it is a team decision, but there's my input on it. and as for the plan? let's wait until we make an alliance with them, there's no need to get too ahead of ourselves."
the black paladin leaned his head onto his boyfriend's shoulder, slightly burying his face into him. "thanks love, you always know what to say and how to help. now i have to figure out how to convince allura, coran, and the rest of the team to go to the blade of marmora's base."
"i believe in you, if anybody could do it, it's you. and i'm proud of you for talking to me about your worries and problems, i know it's not necessarily easy for you consider you being in the position you're in."
shiro groaned and mumbled an embarrassed "shut up", keith was too good for him. he always knew what to say, even when shiro himself couldn't find the words. he was beyond grateful for him. wrapping his arm around keith, he pulled them both down onto the bed. they stayed there like that, with shiro's head on keith's shoulder and his arm around keith's body, for a long time. they talked about anything and everything that came to their minds, it was almost as if they were back on earth at the garrison. slowly, keith started to fall asleep while shiro stayed there awake.
this all felt too familiar. memories of laying together on lazy sunday afternoons back at the garrison in shiro's dorm, talking about whatever came to their minds, laughing at the most ridiculous things, treasuring and loving each other and every moment came back to him. of the sun peeking through his curtains and shining on keith's face, making him look like a literal angel, and making shiro fall even deeper in love with him. of warmth and happiness and safety on earth. memories that were long, long gone. he lifted his head to look at his boyfriend, the only lights shining now were the turquoise ones above keith's bed, they illuminated his face in an eerie way. his eyebags were more prominent than ever, he looked older than he should at 19, but the same applied to him, he guessed. shiro was 21 but the scar across his nose and the clump of white hair he had made him look years older. he and his boyfriend were recognisable, but only barely it seemed. if only younger them could see them now, shiro almost laughed bitterly. it looked like the fact that they had each other was one of the few things that remained the same.
keith was different when he came back, which shiro expected, but he didn't anticipate that things would be the way they were. he still loved shiro but the way he expressed it was different. it was more desperate, as if he were afraid that the black paladin would vanish right before his eyes, as if he would lose him and never find him again. it didn't bother him or anything, it was just odd. keith wasn't one to speak his feelings, he let his actions show how he was truly feeling before kerberos. now, he both told shiro how he felt and acted on it. losing someone can make you realise how dear they are to you. keith wasn't as explosive now, which, again, was not a bad thing. he was different, so was shiro. people change, it's a fact of life, everyone knows that, so why couldn't he accept that fact? keith felt so far from him, but shiro still loved him. he felt far but he was close, sometimes too close. he could be too much sometimes, the pressure to be an amazing leader was intense and then adding on all that he has been through and what he has done, shiro couldn't handle it. he loved keith but they were different, maybe too different.
"there's no home
no home like the one i found in you
now i'm running away
and i feel like i child again
oh to feel like a child again..."
keith looked up at him and made eye contact, eyes twinkling and lighter than he had ever seen them. a smile stretched across his entire face, so large that shiro thought he might break. their hands were intertwined, the sun was shining on them and a breeze was causing the trees to sway. the blue sky was painted with clouds and keith pointed to one that he thought looked like a hippo, they both laughed. they were care and stress free. the world was theirs, they could do anything they wanted, anytime they wanted. shiro took his eyes off keith and looked at his arms, both human and both there. there was something in the back of his mind that was telling him it shouldn’t be like that but he ignored it, he was human, nothing else. he wondered what else he could even be, the only time he left earth was to go to kerberos and collect samples, which changed history, but that was it. the feeling was nagging but he didn’t have any more time to think about it because a voice broke his train of thought. “ shiro ?”
he smiled, he loved the way keith said his name. “yes keith ?”
“can j tell you something?” his voice was timid, he typically spoke with confidence and his change of tone left shiro confused.
“of course, anything,” shiro felt keith’s hand begin to shake, he squeezed it gently in an attempt to help him feel better. “ i’m here for you”
“you know me better than anyone, you know my weaknesses and my strengths and my pet peeves and what makes me laugh the hardest and what makes me cry and… well you get the point,” he turned his head so that his face was inches from shiro’s . “you’ve stayed with me longer than anyone else has, you’ve never given up on me, even after i kept pushing you away. you have been there for me through thick and thin,” shiro almost stopped breathing. moments where keith said how he felt were rare, being abandoned took a major toll on him. he had struggled with accepting his self-worth and letting people in for a long time but he was finally getting better. it made shiro so proud, it had been a long path full of hardships and setbacks but he did it. he took a deep breath in, “ takashi , i love you.”
at that moment, shiro did stop breathing, this was the first time either one of them said that. he and keith had known each other for roughly four years but only started dating about five months ago. it was tortuous for shiro, he was in love with keith and everything he did for over a year before they started dating but he could never bring himself to admit it. he would get so close but always hesitate because he didn’t know if keith felt the same way. he was scared of being rejected but he was terrified of losing keith. who knew how he would react to his best friend having feelings for him? he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or have things become awkward. keith felt the same way, unbeknownst to shiro, and it was killing him. the only difference was that it had been even longer for keith, his feelings for shiro were immediate although he didn't exactly know what they were. he had never felt this way before for anyone, he finally found someone, besides a family member, that genuinely loved and cared about him. it amazed him that someone would willingly stay with him, his mom leaving him at a young age led to him having severe abandonment issues. keith avoided becoming close with people because he was scared of losing them. he pushed them away before they pushed him away, but with shiro it was different. shiro would stay, no matter what, and it was scary for keith but he finally found the person people spend their entire lives searching for. although, he soon realised that shiro would never reciprocate his feelings so he tried everything he could to get rid of them but they never fully went away. there was still a part of him that wanted to melt every single time shiro hugged him and when he said keith and when he showed how much he cared for him. he attempted to lock those feelings away but he didn’t succeed. after two years of failed attempts, he gave up on denying his feelings any longer. he only admitted to himself that he was completely and utterly in love with shiro. “shiro? are you there? shiro? did i make things awkward? oh god i’m so sorry—"
“ keith , i love you.” the worried look on his face vanished immediately and was replaced with a smile so big shiro thought he might break. they both laughed while he leaned over and kissed shiro . kissing him was like coming home after a long day at the garrison, which they both worked at, and it was like finding out the best news and it was like every good thing happening at once times a million. he was everything to him. then his laughter turned to silence and he did break. he was crumbling right in front of shiro as the grass hardened into concrete and the sky turned into a dark purple roof. the trees became thick poles and walls rose from the ground, enclosing shiro . he was back in the arena.
the real memories came back to him and he froze, that dream was fake. he never came back from kerberos, or at least the version that went there never returned. movement in his peripheral vision caught his attention, something was rising from keith's ashes. flinching, shiro watched as a new keith was formed. only this keith towered above him and was galra. his skin was a deep lavender while his hair became a purple so dark it was almost black. a sword with an unfamiliar symbol appeared in the galra's hands and his glowing yellow eyes met shiro's. chills ran down his back, keith looked at him with contempt as he began raising his arm while yielding the sword. he brought it down and—
shiro woke up, sweaty and barely able to move. the dream left him paralyzed, he had never had a dream like that before. sure, he dreamt of losing keith and being back in captivity but losing keith and him coming back as a galra was a first. he wondered if it meant something. the red paladin had been acting almost secretive when he talked about what was bothering him lately, he was also more interested than he should have been in "good galra" and how everyone was connected, but it was probably nothing. keith looked up from his book and saw that shiro was awake. "hey sleepyhead, how was your nap?"
shiro hesitated before he answered, a clear indication of how it truly went, and keith noticed. "you can't keep things in forever, shiro. you and i both know that. it's going to—"
"do you think i don't know that?" shiro's voice cut deep. "you can't begin to imagine what it's like, keith. i can never catch a break and i know what i'm doing is unhealthy but i can't just tell you. it's been months since i've escaped from the galra but it feels like yesterday. it's not as bad as it was when i first left but it's still horrible, i can still..." he trailed off.
"let me guess, you can still feel the thrill and dread, somehow, of being 'the champion'," his voice was dripping with bitterness. he heard shiro curse underneath his breath. "yeah, i found the paper."
there was no response.
"you could have talked to me anytime, i'm always here for you and i won't judge you. you could have told me to leave you alone or to stop pressuring you. i know you but i can't read your mind. especially since you've come back. things are different now, but i guess you've already figured that out." at the last part, he sounded defeated and shiro felt a pang of guilt. the black paladin wished things were still the same, he hated this divide between him and keith. he wanted who they used to be back.
"keith..." he was at a loss for words. "i'm sorry, i really am. but you have to see where i'm coming from, i lost everything. i didn't know if i would ever make it out, i was alone, i was terrified, i was barely alive. there was no hope, i had given up but then i remembered you. i remembered your laugh and the way we could talk about anything and the way you could light up an entire room. you gave me hope, you were the reason i continued living and fighting," he paused. keith remained silent. "i knew i had to get back to you but i didn't know how or when and i wasn't anticipating things to be like this. you're still... you sort of and me? well, you can see who i have become. every day i realise just how far gone i am, that old me is never going to come back. and you, it's my fault you're the way you are now. you should be happy and—"
"stop."
"it's true and you know it, keith."
"god, can you get out of your hole of self-loathing for one fucking second?" shiro flinched. "i'm sorry, i didn't mean that," keith rubbed his thumb, a clear indication that he was about to cry. "i'm sorry but you have to realise that the only way i got through you being gone was the fact that i was maybe going to see you again too. when you left, i fell apart but you already know that. i lost everything too, shiro, and it doesn't necessarily compare to what you've been through but i have a little bit of an idea. i lost the person i cared about most, i lost myself, for fuck's sake i lived in the desert for a year. anyway, my point is that you're not alone. i love you, you love me. what else do we need? we're different but we can learn more about each other and we can continue to grow together."
"as great as that sounds, it's a fantasy," his voice sounded like he didn't care but his face and body told the truth. his hand was shaking, tears were beginning to form in his eyes. "i'm a problem, keith. i destroy everything and i can pretend to be this amazing leader but it's all fake. i need to figure out who i am and how to get better." he heard keith whisper please no under his breath but he continued, "you know where i'm going with this, don't make me say it."
"no. you're making this decision, you need to say it," a pleading tone entered his voice, revealing his true emotions. "you don't have to be alone shiro, i'm here. don't do this."
"i have to."
"no, you don't."
"yes, i do. i don't want to but i need to. for you, for me. bye, keith. i'll see you around," he grabbed his jacket and left keith's dim room. the last thing he saw before closing the door was keith slumped against the wall with his face in his hands.
shiro felt free, like nothing or no one could hold him back. there was a part deep within him that was warning him about how he would regret this but he ignored it. he felt better than he had in months and maybe it was real or maybe it wasn't, he just knew that he had to revel in it. the castle hallways seemed a little brighter, he seemed a little lighter, and things, it seemed, were going to be a little better.
"and i'm haunted by you
i'm haunted by you
every song i sing, it brings me back to you
i'm haunted by you
i'm haunted by you
i'm haunted by you..."
"there's no home
no home like the one i found in you
now i'm running away
and i feel like i child again
oh to feel like a child again..."
keith looked up at him and made eye contact, eyes twinkling and lighter than he had ever seen them. a smile stretched across his entire face, so large that shiro thought he might break. their hands were intertwined, the sun was shining on them and a breeze was causing the trees to sway. the blue sky was painted with clouds and keith pointed to one that he thought looked like a hippo, they both laughed. they were care and stress free. the world was theirs, they could do anything they wanted, anytime they wanted. shiro took his eyes off keith and looked at his arms, both human and both there. there was something in the back of his mind that was telling him it shouldn’t be like that but he ignored it, he was human, nothing else. he wondered what else he could even be, the only time he left earth was to go to kerberos and collect samples, which changed history, but that was it. the feeling was nagging but he didn’t have any more time to think about it because a voice broke his train of thought. “ shiro ?”
he smiled, he loved the way keith said his name. “yes keith ?”
“can j tell you something?” his voice was timid, he typically spoke with confidence and his change of tone left shiro confused.
“of course, anything,” shiro felt keith’s hand begin to shake, he squeezed it gently in an attempt to help him feel better. “ i’m here for you”
“you know me better than anyone, you know my weaknesses and my strengths and my pet peeves and what makes me laugh the hardest and what makes me cry and… well you get the point,” he turned his head so that his face was inches from shiro’s . “you’ve stayed with me longer than anyone else has, you’ve never given up on me, even after i kept pushing you away. you have been there for me through thick and thin,” shiro almost stopped breathing. moments where keith said how he felt were rare, being abandoned took a major toll on him. he had struggled with accepting his self-worth and letting people in for a long time but he was finally getting better. it made shiro so proud, it had been a long path full of hardships and setbacks but he did it. he took a deep breath in, “ takashi , i love you.”
at that moment, shiro did stop breathing, this was the first time either one of them said that. he and keith had known each other for roughly four years but only started dating about five months ago. it was tortuous for shiro, he was in love with keith and everything he did for over a year before they started dating but he could never bring himself to admit it. he would get so close but always hesitate because he didn’t know if keith felt the same way. he was scared of being rejected but he was terrified of losing keith. who knew how he would react to his best friend having feelings for him? he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or have things become awkward. keith felt the same way, unbeknownst to shiro, and it was killing him. the only difference was that it had been even longer for keith, his feelings for shiro were immediate although he didn't exactly know what they were. he had never felt this way before for anyone, he finally found someone, besides a family member, that genuinely loved and cared about him. it amazed him that someone would willingly stay with him, his mom leaving him at a young age led to him having severe abandonment issues. keith avoided becoming close with people because he was scared of losing them. he pushed them away before they pushed him away, but with shiro it was different. shiro would stay, no matter what, and it was scary for keith but he finally found the person people spend their entire lives searching for. although, he soon realised that shiro would never reciprocate his feelings so he tried everything he could to get rid of them but they never fully went away. there was still a part of him that wanted to melt every single time shiro hugged him and when he said keith and when he showed how much he cared for him. he attempted to lock those feelings away but he didn’t succeed. after two years of failed attempts, he gave up on denying his feelings any longer. he only admitted to himself that he was completely and utterly in love with shiro. “shiro? are you there? shiro? did i make things awkward? oh god i’m so sorry—"
“ keith , i love you.” the worried look on his face vanished immediately and was replaced with a smile so big shiro thought he might break. they both laughed while he leaned over and kissed shiro . kissing him was like coming home after a long day at the garrison, which they both worked at, and it was like finding out the best news and it was like every good thing happening at once times a million. he was everything to him. then his laughter turned to silence and he did break. he was crumbling right in front of shiro as the grass hardened into concrete and the sky turned into a dark purple roof. the trees became thick poles and walls rose from the ground, enclosing shiro . he was back in the arena.
the real memories came back to him and he froze, that dream was fake. he never came back from kerberos, or at least the version that went there never returned. movement in his peripheral vision caught his attention, something was rising from keith's ashes. flinching, shiro watched as a new keith was formed. only this keith towered above him and was galra. his skin was a deep lavender while his hair became a purple so dark it was almost black. a sword with an unfamiliar symbol appeared in the galra's hands and his glowing yellow eyes met shiro's. chills ran down his back, keith looked at him with contempt as he began raising his arm while yielding the sword. he brought it down and—
shiro woke up, sweaty and barely able to move. the dream left him paralyzed, he had never had a dream like that before. sure, he dreamt of losing keith and being back in captivity but losing keith and him coming back as a galra was a first. he wondered if it meant something. the red paladin had been acting almost secretive when he talked about what was bothering him lately, he was also more interested than he should have been in "good galra" and how everyone was connected, but it was probably nothing. keith looked up from his book and saw that shiro was awake. "hey sleepyhead, how was your nap?"
shiro hesitated before he answered, a clear indication of how it truly went, and keith noticed. "you can't keep things in forever, shiro. you and i both know that. it's going to—"
"do you think i don't know that?" shiro's voice cut deep. "you can't begin to imagine what it's like, keith. i can never catch a break and i know what i'm doing is unhealthy but i can't just tell you. it's been months since i've escaped from the galra but it feels like yesterday. it's not as bad as it was when i first left but it's still horrible, i can still..." he trailed off.
"let me guess, you can still feel the thrill and dread, somehow, of being 'the champion'," his voice was dripping with bitterness. he heard shiro curse underneath his breath. "yeah, i found the paper."
there was no response.
"you could have talked to me anytime, i'm always here for you and i won't judge you. you could have told me to leave you alone or to stop pressuring you. i know you but i can't read your mind. especially since you've come back. things are different now, but i guess you've already figured that out." at the last part, he sounded defeated and shiro felt a pang of guilt. the black paladin wished things were still the same, he hated this divide between him and keith. he wanted who they used to be back.
"keith..." he was at a loss for words. "i'm sorry, i really am. but you have to see where i'm coming from, i lost everything. i didn't know if i would ever make it out, i was alone, i was terrified, i was barely alive. there was no hope, i had given up but then i remembered you. i remembered your laugh and the way we could talk about anything and the way you could light up an entire room. you gave me hope, you were the reason i continued living and fighting," he paused. keith remained silent. "i knew i had to get back to you but i didn't know how or when and i wasn't anticipating things to be like this. you're still... you sort of and me? well, you can see who i have become. every day i realise just how far gone i am, that old me is never going to come back. and you, it's my fault you're the way you are now. you should be happy and—"
"stop."
"it's true and you know it, keith."
"god, can you get out of your hole of self-loathing for one fucking second?" shiro flinched. "i'm sorry, i didn't mean that," keith rubbed his thumb, a clear indication that he was about to cry. "i'm sorry but you have to realise that the only way i got through you being gone was the fact that i was maybe going to see you again too. when you left, i fell apart but you already know that. i lost everything too, shiro, and it doesn't necessarily compare to what you've been through but i have a little bit of an idea. i lost the person i cared about most, i lost myself, for fuck's sake i lived in the desert for a year. anyway, my point is that you're not alone. i love you, you love me. what else do we need? we're different but we can learn more about each other and we can continue to grow together."
"as great as that sounds, it's a fantasy," his voice sounded like he didn't care but his face and body told the truth. his hand was shaking, tears were beginning to form in his eyes. "i'm a problem, keith. i destroy everything and i can pretend to be this amazing leader but it's all fake. i need to figure out who i am and how to get better." he heard keith whisper please no under his breath but he continued, "you know where i'm going with this, don't make me say it."
"no. you're making this decision, you need to say it," a pleading tone entered his voice, revealing his true emotions. "you don't have to be alone shiro, i'm here. don't do this."
"i have to."
"no, you don't."
"yes, i do. i don't want to but i need to. for you, for me. bye, keith. i'll see you around," he grabbed his jacket and left keith's dim room. the last thing he saw before closing the door was keith slumped against the wall with his face in his hands.
shiro felt free, like nothing or no one could hold him back. there was a part deep within him that was warning him about how he would regret this but he ignored it. he felt better than he had in months and maybe it was real or maybe it wasn't, he just knew that he had to revel in it. the castle hallways seemed a little brighter, he seemed a little lighter, and things, it seemed, were going to be a little better.
"and i'm haunted by you
i'm haunted by you
every song i sing, it brings me back to you
i'm haunted by you
i'm haunted by you
i'm haunted by you..."
his decision was a mistake. he thought it would be better but it was worse knowing that keith was right there but completely inaccessible. it had been days since they had actually spoken to each other, the occasional, forced conversation didn't count. they no longer sat next to each other while eating, the red paladin's temper was nonexistent. he snapped frequently and suffered alone. the team could only speculate what happened to them, though they pieced together most of it. keith and shiro were no longer the duo they used to be and it showed when trying to form voltron, it had been getting more difficult to do so. they tried to get them to speak but the most they got were a few words that were forced and uninterested. the divide was weird, shiro was the backbone of voltron and now he was a shell of a leader. he was closed off and spent the majority of his time in his room or training.
shiro came close to talking to keith and begging for his forgiveness multiple times but he figured it wasn't fair. he was the one who did this, it wasn't okay for him to ask for keith back after hurting him like that. anyway, it was better this way. the black paladin wouldn't be a burden and the red paladin wouldn't be bothered. things would be okay, they just needed time. or at least, that's what he told himself. he didn't believe it one bit, although he didn't have any other choice. he wanted to make things better but only made them worse, and he was overflowing with regret. he shut the door to the training room and sighed. shiro spent all his time training now, he had to find something to fixate on so he didn't collapse with guilt and sadness.
he began walking to his room without truly thinking of where he was going. the door he went to open wasn't his though, it was keith's. he cursed himself, going to keith's room after training was ingrained in him because they frequently practiced together. memories came flooding back to him. drowsy conversations, lazy kisses, warm hugs, pure, undeniable love. his heart ached, he wanted nothing more than to go to keith and be with him. keith was a ghost, constantly haunting him, never leaving. he went to knock, unable to live in this hell anymore, but he heard the door preparing to open and he sprinted away. while turning the corner, he slowed down, out of breath. his heart was pounding, he wasn’t ready to confront keith yet, what was he thinking? after catching his breath, he walked to the room that was actually his. his bed was made, there wasn’t a wrinkle in his nazy sheets, years in the garrison ingrained that into him. his pillows were leaning against the wall on the floor, he never used them. the desk on the opposite side of his room was barren except for a jacket, pens and paper, and a pair of keith's gloves. there wasn't enough in his room and he would have tried to fill it but things with voltron and the war could go wrong at any time.
he picked up keith's gloves, they were one of the few items of his that he had. there wasn't a point in owning very many material things so many of the paladins just stuck with what they had. the gloves were worn, holes were beginning to appear and the edges were fraying. nothing could last forever, not even zarkon's reign. the thought almost surprised him, he had been so preoccupied with keith recently that zarkon and the war hadn't really crossed his mind. that was yet another thing to stress about. sighing, he tried to push it out of his mind and focus on something else. he thought about what he could do but nothing sounded appealing, he was too tired to talk to anyone or he could drown in his thoughts all by himself but he deemed that too pathetic, so he tried to sleep.
the black paladin was plagued with nightmares. losing keith was a common theme in all of them and most of the time, it was shiro's fault. he would wake up expecting keith to be there but then he'd remember the harsh reality. he actually was gone and it actually was shiro's fault. he was beyond angry with himself for being selfish and harming the person he loved the most and he missed keith. he got out of bed, dressed himself, and left for keith's room in the middle of the night, determined to fix what he destroyed.
the castle's hallways were barely illuminated but it didn’t matter, he knew the path like the back of his hand. while walking there, he thought of what he was going to say. sorry wasn't the right word to describe how he felt but what other word was there? there simply wasn't one to express the amount of regret and heartbreak and devastation he was feeling. shiro arrived at keith's door, heart pounding and on his sleeve. he was ready to be as open as he could be, not having his best friend was worse than any time with the galra. he took a deep breath, knocked, and prepared himself in case something were to happen. there was no response, he knocked again. a moment passed and panic begin to fill him, it was the middle of the night there was no reason for keith to not be in his room. hurriedly he opened the door, only to find keith asleep. his face was serene and he looked like an angel, shiro stopped breathing. it was the first clear glimpse of him he had gotten in far too long and god, he missed him. the black paladin decided to risk it and laid down next to him, keith murmured and wrapped his arms around him. a smile formed on both of their faces and for a second, everything was okay.
at least it was until they both woke up. shiro dreamt of nothing, which was an upgrade from having constant nightmares. he woke up before keith and dreaded the moment when he did wake. his thoughts were racing and his worries were overwhelming and he could feel himself—
"shiro," his voice was soft. "what are you doing here?" he rubbed his eyes, almost as if he doubted that he was right in front of him.
"i'm sorry. that's not even a strong enough word, i'm beyond sorry. i was so selfish to leave like that and just because you were trying to help me get better and this past week or so has been hell," he was tripping over his words, letting his deepest feelings come to the surface. "i regretted telling you that soon after the words came out of my mouth, i thought i knew what i needed but i didn't. i need you and only you, i love you. i hope that you'll forgive me, but i understand if you won't. i'm sorry, keith. i really am, i wish i could take everything back."
keith didn’t say anything at first and with every second that passed, more worry occupied the black paladin. "of course, i forgive you and i love you too. i'm sorry for making you feel the way that you did, none of that stuff is my business."
"don't be sorry, you were showing me that you care about me and want me to get better. i've made myself into this person that doesn't show weakness and it's not healthy, you've shown me that i need to express myself and say what's bothering me. my business is your business, i'm willing to tell you how i've felt if you want."
"you don't have to."
"but i should, you deserve it," he grabbed keith's hand, craving some kind of physical interaction with him. "i've felt like i don't deserve to be a paladin, let alone the leader and the most powerful one. i've done terrible things, keith. things that, if i told you, would most likely change the way you view me. even sendak called me a monster, and you know how he is. he knows what i've done, he's seen it first-hand. and you know what? he's right, i don't deserve to be a paladin. i should go fling myself into outer space with him," shiro laughed weakly at that while keith looked at him with a frown. "sorry, that wasn't funny. but yeah, i feel like i don't belong here, like i should still be with the galra because there's no other place for a monster like me to be."
"that's not true. voltron wouldn't be voltron without you, you're our leader. you've inspired us and led better than mostly anybody else could. you're not a monster and i know you don't believe me but you aren't. that shiro is a different shiro, you've grown. you're not the same person you were when you were in galra captivity. you've changed and that's okay, that's good. change is necessary."
he quietly repeated "change is necessary" as if the sentence was groundbreaking, he was so hellbent on trying to become who he used to be that he didn't consider becoming a new version of himself. this shiro would be more emotionally vulnerable, he would love keith unconditionally and do anything to keep him safe and with him. this shiro would be the best version, he wouldn't give up, and eventually he would learn to live for himself. he would be different but it was okay because change is good, it's crucial. "you’re right, which is another thing. it wasn't fair of me to act like it was a bad thing that we have both changed. we're still similar in so many ways and as long as we have each other, that's all that matters. i'm sorry for being such an ass."
"it's okay, just don't do it again."
"i won't. the last thing i want is to lose you," he confessed. "i love you."
"i love you."
they sat there with intertwined hands and quiet smiles and infinite love and for a minute, things were okay. a warm silence settled over them as they embraced the temporary sanctuary they had. with each other, everything would be okay. sometimes you have to lose things in order to realise just how much they mean to you and that was a lesson shiro wasn't interested in learning again. keith meant too much to him, and he looked over. his boyfriend's face had a teal tint over it yet he still managed to look beautiful, his violet eyes spoke a thousand words in a language only shiro could understand, his hand was mindlessly tracing patterns into shiro's, a gesture he found entrancing and sickeningly sweet. a soft laugh escaped his lips and it was music to shiro's ears, and god, he somehow managed to look even more beautiful. shiro felt himself falling even deeper in love and he exhaled, his worries and stresses vanishing if only for an instant.