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Expressing your feelings isn’t easy, although some people do have it easier, they are more eloquent and they are braver. For Jeon Wonwoo it is especially difficult, and the more he struggles, he quieter he becomes. Partly, it’s because he doesn’t know how to speak up and portray what he’s feeling, but mostly it’s because he’s afraid of what people will say, how their opinion on him will change. People will say what they think, praise him or insult him without knowing the full picture, and that is intimidating. Training to become an idol taught him to be wary of people’s opinions, he learned how comments could begin or end a career. One mistake could cost someone maybe too much.
Because he’s afraid of what could happen if he acknowledges some feelings, Wonwoo just buries them under several layers of denial and some lame justification. Those specific problematic feelings revolve only around Kwon Soonyoung.
They were really close during their trainee days, skinship was easy and natural and Wonwoo just knew Soonyoung was one of the most special people in his life. It was after debut Wonwoo started to notice that something different was happening when it came to his friend Soonyoung.
It was when he saw him on stage, so bright that he could barely look at him. Soonyoung became blinding. And it wasn’t just seeing him on stage but also backstage, working so hard, so passionately. It wasn’t just pride what he felt but another form of fascination.
Wonwoo started to worry wen he noticed how his heart raced when Soonyoung touched him, how his chest felt tight when Soonyoung smiled, when his own hands itched, desperately to reach out for Soonyoung. It was then when he realised something was different, something was happening to him.
So he did what any normal cautious person would do: Wonwoo put distance.
Not obvious distance that anyone would notice and that would become an issue, but he wasn’t as close as he used to be with Soonyoung. He wouldn’t go to the other idol as often, wouldn’t cuddle up to him out of the blue. It wasn’t hard thanks to the many other members in their group, and it was necessary. Wonwoo didn’t want his feelings to get out of hand or become something he wouldn’t know how to control. Whatever confusion would be left behind, it was just a stage or something, he told himself every time.
Not even once Wonwoo dared to name what Soonyoung made him feel, he didn’t even try to think about it and sort it out. He felt something different and turned his back on it to never look back. Honestly, he was terrified it could mean something, and if that was the case what was he going to do? What would the rest think? His family? Their fans? It could ruin his career. Fans’ love is fickle as it is, there’s no need to put it on trial.
Wonwoo denies his feelings, he avoids them, and whenever he feels something thanks to Soonyoung, he just doesn’t think about it. After years of the same, he’s an expert.
Or that Wonwoo thinks.
The way Soonyoung makes him feel sometimes hasn’t changed, even after putting distance and ignoring the problem. His heart races, his subconscious puts his friend often in his dreams, even if it’s in ridiculous situations, Soonyoung is always there. He still feels the most comfortable when he’s next to Soonyoung, the warmest. Still, Soonyoung is whom he misses the most when they are apart.
It doesn’t mean anything, Wonwoo repeats that to himself all the time.
He thinks no one has noticed his own struggle, but sometimes it seems Soonyoung is pushing, and not exactly unconsciously. Like, Wonwoo understands that if Soonyoung comes with a new choreography that’s both brilliant and exquisite, it’s not to get a reaction from Wonwoo, although that’s exactly what he gets. Or when Soonyoung does his best on stage dancing as if his body was made of music, it’s not because he knows Wonwoo is backstage, watching him, his eyes only on the other idol. But when, out of the blue, Soonyoung comes and snuggles in his bed, saying he naps better with Wonwoo by his side, it makes him think that’s a delivered attempt to push him.
Or when Soonyoung just stands in front of him, stares for a few moments until Wonwoo grows uncomfortable and flushed, asking what’s wrong just for Soonyoung to answer: “Nothing. I was just appreciating how handsome you are, that’s all.” And then proceed to turn around and leave Wonwoo with a racing heart, a blushed face and his guts twisting.
Or when out of the blue, Soonyoung just steps in his personal space, flustering Wonwoo and then just pulls something that got stuck on his hair or clothes, like a small fluff or a thread. “There, now you’re perfect again,” he would say after any of those situations, and Wonwoo can't even articulate.
Or when Soonyoung just decides, as they walk down halls of Pledis Entertainment, that taking his hand and entwining their fingers together is like the best decision ever, and Wonwoo can’t even argue because he just loves Soonyoung’s soft hands in his.
Seriously, how someone who dances so much can have such soft hands?
Honestly, It wouldn’t be such a problem if it only happened occasionally, but Soonyoung is acting like this constantly, as if he had realised something and is pushing Wonwoo to do the same. However, all that Soonyoung gets is making Wonwoo incredibly flustered, a mumbling mess that’s not good at thinking or anything. Later he considers that Soonyoung is doing that exactly to laugh at him, to mess with him, which makes him fear that maybe Wonwoo gives away more than he thought he did.
Everything is bearable, though, Wonwoo won’t explode or do something stupid when Soonyoung surprises him like that. Yet, Soonyoung is more dangerous when he’s comforting, when he comes to Wonwoo like knowing he isn’t feeling well, when he’s having a hard time, so the other idol offers a shoulder to rest, a warm hug and soft words that soothe him more than promises that everything will be all right. It works better when Soonyoung whispers, “I love you, Wonwoo-yah.”
Not even once Wonwoo interprets that as anything but love for a member of the group, love for a friend. Never more than that.
Thinking that always hurts a bit, but Wonwoo doesn’t deal with that.
But maybe he should deal with his feelings, once and for all, because one day he’ll just explode when Soonyoung comes at him and does something surprising, whispering ‘I love you’ in a way that makes his heart rejoice and cry out in agony at the same time.
And it seems that time comes sooner than expected, because one day he’s just making his way to the kitchen, in comfortable clothes after a long day, snuggling inside his turtleneck, just enjoying the soft texture of the fabric on his skin. It’s as soft as Soonyoung’s hands.
His Soonyoung Train of Thoughts is cut when the very idol shows up in front of him, blocking his path. The idol doesn’t say anything, just like other times, he just stares at Wonwoo in a way that makes him nervous and itchy, trying to hide deeper in his turtleneck.
“Why’re you looking at me like that?” Wonwoo asks, his voice a bit shaky but he tries to keep a calm facade. “Soonyoung?”
Instead of answering, Soonyoung steps forward, cupping Wonwoo’s face in his hands and standing on his tiptoes, doing his best to eliminate their height difference and pulling Wonwoo a bit lower. He lets himself be manhandled, confused with Soonyoung’s actions, but then the idol does something even more surprising that makes Wonwoo’s heart explode. His friend just presses his lips tenderly on his forehead, a kiss as soft as Soonyoung’s hugs, as light as a butterfly touch and as burning as the sun in a spring day.
Soonyoung pulls back, blushing a bit himself and masking it with his mumbling: “You look nice in turtlenecks and… I don’t know I just had an urge? Like… I realised that I love you so much and I know I say it almost everyday but I really do and—” Soonyoung stops, realising Wonwoo is frozen, not even blinking. “H-hey… you’re being awfully quiet.”
Wonwoo listens, but he can’t really react, he’s just trying to breathe again, feeling his whole body heating up and his head spinning. He can’t even see properly, his glasses have fogged up, which is even more embarrassing.
“Wonwoo?!” Soonyoung exclaims, probably surprised to see him so red and hot.
More embarrassed than ever, Wonwoo has to take off his glasses, while mumbling almost unintelligible: “Thank you, thank you… now I have to wipe my glasses.” He takes a handkerchief from his pocket, but his hands are shaking and he isn’t really succeeding at wiping his glasses, smudging the crystal with his fingertips and just cursing under his breath. “Damn it.”
He can hear Soonyoung snickering, which makes his hands tremble even more.
“Don’t laugh!” He screams, not looking up to see Soonyoung having a blast at his expense.
“I’m not!” Soonyoung protests, but his chuckles are evident.
“Soonyoung!” Wonwoo whines, this time looking up and feeling somewhat hurt that his friend is laughing when he’s so flustered and just a mess. He caused this and now he laughs. “It’s not funny, okay? Stop it.”
“I can’t help it, Wonwoo-yah,” Soonyoung singsongs. “You look just so cute.”
“Why are you doing this to me?” Finally, Soonyoung stops laughing when he realises Wonwoo is serious this time, sounding almost vulnerable. “Surprising me like this, saying you love me so casually like it was nothing and then laughing at my reaction. Why? Is it that funny for you to mess with me?”
“What?” The other idol blurts out, shocked to see Wonwoo reacting like this. “No, no, it’s not that, Wonwoo-yah. I’m not messing with you,” continues Soonyoung, taking a step closer to Wonwoo, his eyes frantic. “I just… I mean every word I say and I don’t say them casually as if they were nothing. Not at all!”
“Then why do you do it?!” Wonwoo doesn’t mean to raise his voice, but he can’t help himself.
“Because if I don’t say it you’ll never do it!” Soonyoung cries out. His own eyes widen when he realises what he’s said, his whole face and ears turning red in embarrassment. “You… you don’t feel the same way? Do you hate that I say how I feel?” Soonyoung’s voice sounds vulnerable and it makes Wonwoo feel panicked.
“I don’t hate it,” he whispers, putting on his glasses again. He hesitates, swallowing the lump in his throat, feeling anxiety choking him because he knows Soonyoung wants to know what he feels, he needs to know. “It just… throws me off and then I don’t know what to do. And if you laugh… it hurts a bit.”
“Wonwoo-yah,” Soonyoung speaks softly, reaching out to grab his hands. “I mean it when I say I love you, I really do.”
“Yeah, I know, I know,” Wonwoo breathes out, but Soonyoung is shaking his head vehemently.
“No you don’t know. You hear me saying it but you don’t listen, you don’t understand what I’m really saying. You ignore me time and time again. It’s not easy to gather the courage to say it, even if I do it all the time, it’s hard every time.” Wonwoo looks into Soonyoung’s eye, his heart beating wildly, his hands shaking so Soonyoung squeezes them tightly.
“What are you saying?” He asks in a whisper.
“I’m saying that I love you, Wonwoo-yah. Exactly that.”
Wonwoo takes a shaky breath in, his head spinning as layers and layers of denial crumble and fall apart, the neglected feelings coming out to surface to demand to be acknowledged instead of forgotten for years.
“As friends?” Wonwoo asks in a breath.
“No,” answers Soonyoung.
“As a member?” Wonwoo tries again and feels Soonyoung’s squeezing his hands.
“No,” answers Soonyoung again, looking worried.
“As… as…”
“Yes,” Soonyoung interrupts, not needing to hear the rest that Wonwoo can’t even articulate. He can’t speak because it’s been so long denying what he feels, making excuses, trying to bury the truth, lying to himself. But now Soonyoung is putting a name to his own feelings, pushing Wonwoo to do the same. But it’s just too overwhelming and too fast for him, and Soonyoung must know. “It’s okay, Wonwoo-yah. I can say it for the two of us if you need.”
Wonwoo can’t answer because he’s not brave enough yet to acknowledge out loud what his heart knows and embraced already.
Soonyoung smiles, understanding him even when Wonwoo isn’t saying anything, pulling him for a hug to give him courage and a place to pull himself together. Wonwoo clings to his friend, burying his face in his shoulder, hands grabbing Soonyoung’s shirt in tight balls, slightly trembling.
The other idol pats his back ever so lightly, comforting, holding him like he always does.
“I love you,” Soonyoung whispers in his ear, soothing as always, healing and inspiring.
“Me too,” Wonwoo replies, softer than a whisper.
Soonyoung… he only hugs him tighter.