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“What have you done to me‽”
“Just relax Castiel, let your vessel do what you know deep down is the right thing.” No… this is not the right thing. How have I gone so far off?
“What have you done to me Naomi?”
“Who’s Naomi‽” Dean… it’s his voice. I didn't even realise my mind was back on earth when I muttered that out loud. He’s worried, concerned, is it for me or… what I have become.
“What have I done to you???” Oh no, accusations.
“Do you have any idea what it’s like out there? There’s blood everywhere, and it’s on your hands.” No, no no no no I know that I know. I live with the decisions I make. The decisions I keep making. I will never forgive myself, I keep messing up.
“After everything you did. To us. To heaven.” It’s not like that, I keep shaking my head and back away. She’s trying to turn me. This is wrong I know it’s wrong.
"I fixed you Castiel. I FIXED YOU!!!" No yes I don’t know what to do, angle tablet but at what price, what do we lose when doing this???
“Cas.” Dean get’s a hold of me. I look to him in horror. It’s so clear now, how can I let someone have such power over me. Why did he do this to me! How! It’s so easy. Too easy. I can end it now. Redeem myself and save heaven. The ends justify the means. How could I have forgotten? Everything is supposed to be black and white. He runs towards me and I snap his arm. However, I only hear the crashing of the tablet below me. Not his shallow cri or groans as I hit him. Again and again. I feel his surge of energy and keep hitting him, cutting up his face, his blood staining my hand. It’s easier this way, if he can’t talk. I adopt a stoic expression similar to that of our first meeting.
“You want it?” I glance at the tablet,
“Take it! But you gotta kill me first!” I stare at him, even angry he does not treat me like other monsters, there’s something else in his voice. Respect I realise.
“DO IT!” I hit him again but without the same bite. The ends justify the means, we’ve been playing that for centuries and look what that got us. Dean… my poor dean to his dying breath he is still leveling with me.
“Please” I try to reason with her. She is not listening.
“End this Castiel”
“Cas… this isn’t you. This isin’t you!” Don’t you get it Dean? I hit him again. I can’t be me. Me keeps screwing up. I can’t take this anymore.
“Bring me the tablet.” The noise in my head is deafening. I just want it to stop.
“Cas, Cas” I wish he would stop saying my name. I mean… nickname. It’s too familiar, he hates me. He needs to call me by the name he calls the monsters, chuckles or something. It would make things less painful. For both of us. He is not giving up.
“I know you can hear me. Cas its me. Were family. We need you, I need you.” Dean’s expression, after all I did and he is still trying to get through to me. He needs me, it sounds a lot like love but it doesn’t seem right to say it know under these circumstances. The noise starts to dissipate and soon all I see is and all I hear are is his deep breathing.
Dean, why dean why? What have I done to deserve you? I remember when we first started working together. You would always pray for my help, my assistance, my powers. How I wish I answered you then. But I have been now. Now you pray for me, to talk to work things though. You worry about me and I do the same about you. I would do the same for Sam as well but it’s all through you. You opened my door. I’ve only known you personally for a few short years, a blink in angel time, but I already feel closer to him, than anyone else. Something tangible real… a profound bond. Who really does this tablet belong to? The angels have not been angelic and the demons are cruel as well. But I do know who I can trust, who will do what is right.
“You have to choose Castiel, us or them.” My decision is made.
“Cas.” Dean’s voice is breathless and weak when I drop the blade. He immediately shrivels to the ground unable to hold himself still. I grab the tablet and channel its power to free myself for Naomi’s clutches, her mind manipulation.
“Cas.” Dean repeats.
“Cas no Cas!” His voice betrays his panic and he visibly cringes expecting a final blow. I vow not to make him ever feel that way again. I caress his soft features and he grips my arm with the arm I did not break, I feel a swooping guilt and plan to remedy it as soon as possible. He is not pushing me away nor pulling me closer, just gripping it. He lets it fall once he starts to heal. I suppress the urge to grab hold of it again. The pain is gone and he looks at me with an awed expression.
“What the hell just happened?” He seems concerned and disoriented, however there is no hint of anger towards me in his voice or expression. No sign of disgust or even fear. Just patience, despite his word choice. He has no idea I overpowered heavens forces for him, because of him, and thanks to him. I gaze at him again in wonderment. I was so close to loosing this. I will explain it all to him. Later, now I just sink to the floor all dusty with shattered rock and take him in my arms.
“So sorry Dean, so sorry.” I keep repeating it like a mantra as I bring him closer and closer, his head resting against my neck in exhaustion. I can’t help myself and pepper the side of his face and hairline with little kissed between apologies, I don’t know why but it seems like the natural, appropriate thing to do, I never understand these social cues but this one just makes sense. I enjoy it. Dean does not fight it, makes absolutely no acknowledgment though I do see his cheeks pink up, perhaps from stress or the cold. We keep this up for a few minutes when he finally holds onto me and sinks himself impossibly closer to me, gripping my shoulders tight. His lips are pressed against my collarbone but he makes no motion to kiss me back. He can't, not now. Finally, he lifts himself up and I stay there watching him, he isn’t making eye contact but is nervously licking his lips. Suddenly he looks towards me.
“So I take it your back and got all that voodoo crap out of your head?” Not exactly how I would phrase it but Dean does seem more at ease.
“Yes and I can explain everything." I want him to understand. "Well, all I know. I have to protect the tablet and Naomi is an…”
“Let’s talk about it in the impala, this place creeps me out.” He interrupts me. I nod and out we go, Dean leading the way and I trailing after him. I walk a little closer to Dean that usual and I know that he can tell because he keeps glancing behind himself. If it bothers him he makes no comment. He stops abruptly and hesitates for a moment, suddenly turning around and giving me what could only be described as a bone crushing hug, if I needed to breath, it may have been difficult.
“I’m so glad your back, you got us all scared.” He murmurs into my neck. The corners of my mouth perk up. While black and white was easier, I can also appreciate the color. With its ever changing beauty and demonstration of free will, I was actually able to see life the good and the bad. I could laugh and smile and learn about humanity in ways I never could by simply watching. Forming bonds based on more substance than duty. It’s not easier, I’ve screwed up and will probably do it again, but at least I am not a pawn and can create my own rules, making it up as I go. Dean lets me go, it seems like it he has it all out of his system. “Ok no more chick flick moments.” I don’t understand the reference, I tell his so and he rolls his eyes, but fondly. Dean starts speaking again.
“Anyway, who is this Naomi and how the hell can we kill her, I guessing she’s a bad guy?”