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“Looks like we’re hookin’ up with a chick at a music festival-”
Eggsy froze and put his hands up, stopping the man midsentence. “Hooking up? You mean like…?” Unable to form the words due to the absurdity of the thought, he could only make a pathetic whining noise. Whiskey let out a chuckle and nodded.
“Yeah. I’ll explain everything in the car.”
He shook his head and crossed his arms. “Nah, mate. Get one of your other agents. I can’t do that.”
The two older men stared at him amused and perplexed. “What do you mean you can’t do it?” Champ asked with a laugh.
“I mean I can’t do it.”
“And why not? You got a girlfriend you ain’t supposed to have?”
Shit.
Eggsy stuck his nose up matter-of-factly and straightened his back. “No.” He lied. “I just think it’s sexist and gross.”
“Oh do you?”
“Yes. Hookin’ up with a girl just to find Charlie. Hell, I could do that just by givin’ him a call on the phone and he could be here by tonight.”
Alright enough stalling, Unwin. Find a reason for all of this.
“So do you got a better plan?”
“Well, I got one that doesn’t involve me.”
If Merlin were here he’d probably tell Eggsy to shut his mouth. Smart man. He wondered what he was doing at this moment.
Probably spying on Harry and his weird ass butterfly drawings.
Harry.
“And I’m going to need to borrow Harry.”
“The lepidopterist?” Champ asked.
“Yes. Who else would I be talking about?”
“Why him? He doesn’t even know who you are.”
“Because my plan involves him. He’s not going to get hurt, I promise. I’ll keep him by my side at all times. Either you let me take him or Agent Frisky finds another partner.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing, Eggsy.” Merlin said, putting Harry’s bag into the backseat of the car. He looked down at Eggsy, frowning.
Eggsy smiled. “Of course I do. It’s gonna be fuckin’ spectacular, eh?”
Not even a giggle. He prayed to God that he never ended up like Merlin when he got older.
“Harry’s life is at stake here. He doesn’t remember any of his training, hell, he doesn’t even know how to shoot a damn gun. If someone in the Golden Circle happens to find you-”
“He’ll be under my watchful eye.”
“That’s what I’m worried about.”
Eggsy scowled and looked at Harry in the backseat. It was a bit disheartening to see him so confused and disoriented. At least he would get out of that depressing ass solitary confinement room they had him in.
He looked moderately happier seeing so many things that weren’t plain white walls with drawn on butterfly diagrams on them. It made Eggsy wonder what happened that turned him so cynical. Or maybe he wouldn’t want to know.
“Galahad!” Whiskey snapped his fingers in Eggsy’s face. “You there, buddy?”
“What?” He looked over at him, paying attention.
“I said ‘are you ready to go,’ boy?”
“Oh. Yeah. Let’s go.”
He looked back at Merlin, getting in the car. Merlin still had that same disapproving expression on his face.
“Good luck, Eggsy.”
Guests crowded the festival, making it difficult to even walk around. Thankfully they didn’t have to worry about losing Harry too much, as he was sticking to the both of them like a child to a mother’s leg. And once they had gotten to the VIP section, the crowd died down immensely and, as luck would have it, Clara was easy to spot.
“Okay your plan better be good because if I have to deal with Mr. Rogers over here any longer I might just shoot myself.” Whiskey said.
“Trust me, it is.” Eggsy grabbed Harry and pointed over to Clara. “Harry. You see that girl? I messaged her a little bit and turns out she’s a butterfly fanatic just like you.”
“I wouldn’t say fanatic-”
“She wants to go meet you. Go over and talk to her. Make a new friend. A fellow leopardologist, yeah?”
“Lepidopterist.”
“Whatever. Just go.” He gently shoved Harry in Clara’s direction.
Whiskey stared at him in disbelief. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m gettin’ you your hookup. Isn’t that what you want?”
“How is sending another man over to a girl going to get me a girl?”
“Watch and learn, old man.” He pointed over to Harry talking to Clara, who was becoming increasingly confused and uncomfortable. They both walked over and Eggsy grabbed Harry’s shoulder. “There you are. We’ve been looking all over for you.”
“But you told me to-”
“So sorry about him. He’s my father. Got early onset dementia.”
“Early what?” Harry asked, trying to argue.
“Oh. I’m so sorry to hear about that.” Clara said sympathetically.
Eggsy pulled him back and pointed over to Whiskey. “Yeah. My uncle over here helps me take care of him the best that he can. He’s the greatest. You literally could not ask for a sweeter, kinder, gentler man than him.”
Whiskey smiled, realizing what he was doing. Eggsy smiled back. He knew Harry was still useful. Even with half a brain. Once he saw the turned on smile of Clara staring down Whiskey – gross – he knew it was probably about time to wrap it up.
“I stupidly wanted to come to this festival with my dad but I guess he’s not ready to face the public yet. Anyway I’ll go put him in the car with the windows up I’ll catch up with you two later. C’mon, ‘Dad’. Time to go. ”
They got to a section clear of people and sat down. Eggsy took note of a few girls conversing excitedly about these new tattoos that had mysteriously appeared all over their bodies. People get hyped over everything, apparently. He rolled his eyes and looked at Harry. At least Tilde would get to met him now.
“You’re not really going to put me in the car with the windows rolled up, are you?” Harry asked frightfully.
“No, Harry.”
Speaking of Tilde…
Eggsy pulled out his phone and rang her up.
“Hey, babe.” He smiled, happy to see her face.
“Hey, babe. What’s wrong? You look upset.”
“Nothing. I just miss you.”
“Aw.” Tilde smiled. “I miss you, too. How’s the music festival?”
“Pretty rank, actually. I have to wait for this other guy to get done sleepin’ with a target.”
“What!? Why!?”
“It’s part of the mission.”
“How?”
“She’s part of the bad guys, there’s a tracker in the thing, it’s all very confusin’, Americans are gross, babe.”
“Well you’re not doing it are you?”
“Of course not, babe. I’d never cheat on you.”
She tilted her head in skepticism. “How many targets have you had to sleep with?”
“I’m serious. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you.”
“Is that a proposal?”
“Is that a…um…rain check on this conversation, babe.”
Eggsy hung up, seeing Whiskey walking up to them. “What are you doing here? I thought you were with Clara.”
“I was. And now I’m done.”
“Already?”
“When you’ve been in the game as long as I have, you don’t need that much time.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You were that bad, huh?”
“Shut up.” He said, despite a faint laugh in his voice. “I got the tracker in.”
“Great job, Whiskey.” Ginger’s voice said through the communicator. “Tracker activated.”
“Alright, Galahad, Butterfly Guy, let’s go.” Whiskey pulled them up and they walked back towards the exit, which Eggsy was more than happy to do.
The thought of anyone having sex with that woman was more than enough to keep him from ever coming to Glastonbury ever again.