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Daniel came to terms with his feelings in an almost step by step sequence. He’ll admit- he could be a little air-headed at times and not catch onto things as fast as others, but this time, he caught on quick; painfully so.
“Can I borrow a shirt?” Jisung read the text message he had just received aloud.
“Who’s asking?”
“Your man.”
Daniel’s heart fluttered without his permission. “I do not have a man.” He said although his mind wondered why said person was asking to borrow another man’s shirt that wasn’t his own. (As if he wasn’t allowed to have friends.)
Jisung rolled his eyes. “You know who I’m talking about.”
“Why is he asking for your shirt?” Daniel tried to ask casually.
“Why? Do you want to give him your shirt instead? I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time you guys have shared things.” Jisung gave him a knowing look and Daniel felt heat rise into his cheeks. “He didn’t do laundry.”
“Oh.” That was the last he said on the subject.
Hours later he saw Sungwoon walking to class and caught up to him.
“Hey,” He said, smiling at the other.
“Hey,” Sungwoon said in return while pushing his glasses further up his nose.
“Those sleeves are pretty big on you, huh?”
Daniel did not know why he could not let the subject go. He knew it was an unnecessary comment to make and that it shouldn’t have mattered to him but it did.
Sungwoon glanced at his arms and nodded. “Yeah, just a little bit. I needed to borrow it from Jisung hyung. I forgot to do laundry.” He chuckled.
“You can borrow my clothes too. If you ever need.” Daniel scratched the back of his head.
Sungwoon peered up at him. “Won’t your clothes be even larger on me?”
“Oh. Well, yeah but,” He didn’t know why he had the sudden urge to tell him that he didn’t like it when he wore others’ clothes. “You can tuck it in… or something.” He finished uncoolly.
Thankfully, Sungwoon brushed it off with a laugh. “Well that’s good to know. Thanks.”
Daniel nodded his head instead of letting something else foolish slip from his mouth. Mystified, he slid his hands into the back pockets of his jeans and emptied his mind of all incriminating thoughts of the other wearing his clothes.
+++
Daniel wasn’t really into watching variety shows or movies, preferring to read manga and webtoons. But there was one series that Hyungseob had started watching in the living room that absolutely intrigued him. Unsurprisingly it wasn’t a Korean series that got him hooked but an American one. That particular season that Hyungseob had been watching was about a circus and all the eerie mishappenings of the carnies and townspeople.
That was three seasons ago and Daniel, having caught up will all six seasons, was awaiting the premiere of the seventh one. Since he had gotten a fair amount of people hooked on the show, he decided to host a screening event in the dorm. Amongst those invited was Sungwoon. He had brought it up casually and Sungwoon, knowing how enthusiastic the younger was about the show, decided to give it a chance and accepted the invitation.
What brought hesitancy to Daniel’s idea was that if he just invited his own group of friends plus Sungwoon, Sungwoon might look like his date. So, to dispel the rumors that were already floating around about the both of them, Daniel extended a plus one invitation to him.
“Bring one of your roommates or something, hyung. It’s going to be fun!” He had told the older with a sunny disposition.
But now watching Sungwoon fit snugly against Minhyun’s side in the recliner to the right of the tv, Daniel thought maybe it wasn’t as fun as he had planned. What he had planned was to squish next to his hyung on the long couch that fit five people so they could blend in with the others and if Sungwoon happened to get frightened or something, his strong, broad shoulder would be there for reassurance. (In a platonic way.) But when Daniel had come back from the kitchen to bring the popcorn all the seats had been taken and the only spot available was the left cushion by the arm of the long couch- across the room from Sungwoon. He had slapped a smile on when Taehyun had patted the seat next to him and shrugged it off as a minor loss. The main event of the evening was the premiere of his favorite show- not sitting next to his small, precious hyung.
The episode began amidst excited chatter and Daniel was completely absorbed in the acting. The trailer had promised talk of the politic crisis in America plus clowns. The first few scenes were so realistic they had Daniel biting his thumb nail. He was able to concentrate for all of twenty minutes before his eyes casually wandered around the room, wanting to make sure everyone was comfortable and enjoying the show, when he fixated his sight on the couches to the right. He rearranged himself in his seat and sunk back into the cushions putting his phone in his lap. He wondered if it would be too much to text Sungwoon if he was alright when he obviously sat across from him looking fine. He imagined the weird look he would receive from the older and the text message that would remain ignored and chose to train his eyes on the scene playing before him instead.
A clown had popped out terrifying the main character and as Daniel startled, elbow hitting Taehyun, he looked at Sungwoon again. Minhyun was whispering something to him and Sungwoon smiled, whispering something back. It became a habit for Daniel to check on Sungwoon every time something thrilling happened. (Daniel was a bit of a scaredy cat so everything spooked him which meant that he was constantly glancing at Sungwoon.) By now, he’d lost focus on the show; more interested in watching the placement of Sungwoon’s hand on Minhyun’s knee or the way the latter relaxed his arm around Sungwoon’s shoulders. Instead of seeing it as Minhyun trying to get more comfortable on the tiny couch, his mind twisted it into Minhyun being way too friendly. Yes, he was overthinking and he tried to rid himself of those thoughts because Sungwoon wasn’t his property but his mind lacked self-control.
Now the clowns were in the neighbors’ home and Oh son of a bitch. That clown mask is ugly, Daniel thought almost jumping out of his seat. The entire room jolted, caught off guard by the scene and Daniel glanced at Sungwoon who leaned into Minhyun’s side. Disgruntled by both the show and his sudden unexplained feelings, he crossed his arms and kept his eyes glued to the tv until the episode ended.
When everyone got up to leave, Daniel reverted to his normal cheery self, thanking his friends for coming. He walked everyone to the door being the good host he was and sent them off with a “See you tomorrow!” Afterwards, he plopped onto the couch thinking how he had to re-watch the episode by himself so there were no distractions. He blamed his lack of concentration on having so many people in the room- not because he couldn’t stop observing the raven-haired guy across the room.
+++
The door opened and laughter filled the room. Daniel didn’t even need to look to know it was Sungwoon. He heard Jisung clear his throat from the kitchen table and say “Um.”
“Oh shoot! Daniel, my bad. What time is it?”
Daniel looked over his shoulder, his face setting in a straight line. “Hyung, you’re late.”
“5:25 already? Damn. Sorry, we lost track of time in the practice rooms. Gotta stay on top of our singing studies.” Sungwoon laughed with Minhyun as if they had a secret inside joke. It did not make Daniel feel any less forgotten.
Reading the atmosphere, Minhyun and Jisung shared a look before excusing themselves to their respective rooms. Sungwoon dropped his bag on the floor and sat down next to Daniel on the couch.
“Did I miss a lot?” He asked Daniel, not sensing the tense air in the room.
Five o’clock was always Fight for My Way time. There was rarely a day when they missed an episode. Sue Daniel for being upset that Sungwoon had forgotten about him the drama. He was entitled to be disappointed; especially if he was with Minhyun (who he lived with and saw every day!) Daniel had been awkwardly waiting for Sungwoon to come back with Jisung sending him pity glances occasionally from the kitchen.
Daniel’s lips set in a pout. “Not really.”
“So what happened?”
“Aera hosted an event.”
“Which event?”
“One for Dongman’s team.”
“What were they doing?”
“An event.”
“Daniel!” Sungwoon hit his shoulder with his fist. “Can you be more specific?” He eyed the younger who was leaning on his elbow on the arm of the couch. “Are you mad that I was late?”
“Yes.” Daniel answered without hesitance. Sungwoon laughed and after looking around the room pecked Daniel’s cheek.
“Don’t be mad.” He hovered close to Daniel’s face. Daniel tapped his foot three times and faced Sungwoon. He squinted his eyes at the shorter before throwing his arm around his neck and yanking him close.
“Don’t forget that five o’clock is our time.” He grumbled.
Sungwoon patted his thigh. “I know, I know. Now tell me- in detail! What happened so far?”
Daniel released his hold on Sungwoon and just like that they went back to normal. But Daniel couldn’t push away that weird nagging feeling that made him question whether Sungwoon placed as much importance on their time together as he did.
+++
Not once since Daniel had transferred to the university had he attended a vocal recital. Recitals only happened at the middle and end of the semester for dance majors whereas vocal majors were evaluated monthly. Not only did vocal majors have to dress up and sing for a mostly empty crowd (dance recitals were always packed) but they were graded on it as well. Daniel had decided to come watch for moral support. He had seen how hard Sungwoon had rehearsed and wanted to cheer him on. (Truthfully, he also was a fan of his voice.)
He had texted Sungwoon before he performed to let him know he was in the crowd and sent a “Fighting!” with a peach emoji when the older had texted back “ugh”.
The quartet Sungwoon was in had performed second and after four short songs they were bowing and exiting stage left. About five minutes later, Daniel’s phone vibrated with a message telling him to escape quietly and meet him by the practice rooms that were connected to the backstage area. He slipped out the auditorium and did as he was told, following along the corridors of the practice rooms until he found Sungwoon.
“Well done, main vocal 1.” He said to Sungwoon grinning.
“Shut up.” Sungwoon said laughing lightly.
Daniel fingered the black choker around Sungwoon’s neck. “A choker for a school concert?”
“A recital.” Sungwoon corrected. “And yes. We were going for an angsty look. The second song we sang was written for a dramatic performance of a larger ensemble which was why the lights were dimmed and the spotlights were used. If I had to relate the performance to a current idol group I would say…” He hummed. “Vixx?”
Promptly cutting off Sungwoon’s descriptive summary, Daniel leaned in, kissing his neck.
“You’re really cute when you speak vocal major to me.” He said, proceeding to bite the choker softly.
“Whoa whoa, man. Don’t bite the merchandise. I actually like this choker.” Sungwoon squirmed away from Daniel, furrowing his eyebrows.
Daniel grinned. “Sorry.” He pulled Sungwoon into him again by pulling on his choker. As the necklace implied, Sungwoon choked and smacked Daniel’s hand away.
“I’m not a dog! Don’t drag me!”
“Dammit, hyung! I just want to kiss you. Will you shut up already?”
Sungwoon turned red at Daniel’s outburst. “Well,” He stuttered. “Just do it then. Stop biting my neck like a vam-”
Daniel hooked his fingers into Sungwoon’s belt loops and attached their lips. They heard voices coming down the connecting corridor and Daniel pulled away but in an odd turn of events, Sungwoon looked at him mischievously and kissed him hard. The adrenaline rush of being caught sent him reeling and when the footsteps were right around the corner Sungwoon pushed him into a practice room. It turned out to be a small piano room so Daniel was pushed onto the closed keyboard of an upright piano. Sungwoon stood between his long legs, dragging his face down to his. They separated after a few minutes, lips bruised from all the tugging and biting.
“Thanks for coming to the show.” Sungwoon told him, releasing his face and letting his hands fall down his chest. Daniel’s eyes were hooded watching Sungwoon closely. He chased Sungwoon’s lips again kissing him deeply.
He let out a sigh. “You’re welcome.”
Sungwoon kissed Daniel’s neck twice and Daniel wondered what he had done for Sungwoon to be in such a good mood.
“I’ve never had anyone come before. It’s not the most important show so I never really invite anyone, but it was…. Nice to see someone in the crowd for me.”
“Well I was also here for Jisung hyung and Yongguk to be honest.” Daniel joked, bursting Sungwoon’s bubble. The corners of Sungwoon’s mouth drooped and he looked away self-consciously.
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding! I mostly came to see you.”
Sungwoon hummed disbelieving as he folded his arms. Daniel laughed and tugged Sungwoon to him, hugging him and kissing his cheek.
“I’m hungry. Let’s get dinner.” Sungwoon said watching Daniel eye his choker again. He grabbed Daniel’s chin raising it up. “Don’t even think about it.”
Daniel made to bite the hand holding his chin and went straight for Sungwoon’s neck, planting multiple nips and kisses into the skin. Sungwoon’s giggles slipped out and Daniel let himself ponder how it would be to act like this in public.
Sungwoon moved away and fixed his clothes.
“I’ll leave first. Meet you in the cafeteria.” He told Daniel not sparing him a second glance.
Daniel sighed and dropped his head. He ran his fingers through his hair, inhaling before he followed after his source of happiness and dismay.
+++
For the fifth time that day, Daniel checked the availability of the book he wanted online.
“Yes! Still there!”
He stood just outside the library entrance, freshly showered and full of energy after his dance practice. A few more minutes and Sungwoon would show up and they would take a trip to Daniel’s preferred bookstore to pick up the newest volume of his beloved manga.
Five minutes later had Daniel checking his phone for the time and observing the face of every student that walked out the library.
Ten minutes had Daniel bouncing his leg up and down, eyebrows starting to crease.
Fifteen minutes went by and Daniel was sitting on the steps with a frown marring his typically bright features. He was late. Again. Just as he unlocked his phone a text message came in.
Smallest Hyung: can’t make it today. something came up 4:16 PM
Daniel stared at his phone. That’s it? No explanation or “sorry, Daniel. Let’s reschedule”?
Daniel: What’s up? 4:17 PM
Smallest Hyung: I just gotta help a friend 4:20 PM
Daniel: what friend? 4:20 PM
Smallest Hyung: You don’t know her 4:23 PM
Daniel: Her? 4:23 PM
Sungwoon left him on read. Sungwoon had never left him on read. Not even when he had told one too many corny jokes. He stared at the phone a little longer giving Sungwoon a few minutes to respond but nothing. He locked his phone and got up. His mood had been totally ruined. He was mad that Sungwoon canceled on him but even more mad that he was so curious about who the girl friend was.
Daniel went to the bookstore by himself, remembering how he had let the other ruin his favorite show, vowing to not let it happen with his favorite manga. He stopped by a convenience store on his way back to school and picked up the largest bag of gummy bears he could find. He spent the night amongst his roommates, reading the latest installment and munching on his candy. He didn’t hear from Sungwoon again that night.
The next day Daniel was eating lunch outside on a picnic bench with Woojin when Sungwoon graced them with an appearance. He sat down next to Woojin, diagonal from Daniel, and greeted them like normal.
“Hello, hyung.” Woojin hadn’t finished bowing his head when Daniel picked up his plastic container holding his rice and chicken and got up.
“Sorry hyung, I was on my way out.” Saying nothing more, he turned and briskly walked away.
Poor Woojin who had gotten caught in the crossfire let out an “Uh…” Apologizing to the sophomore, Sungwoon chased after Daniel.
“Hey! You’re not done with your food. Where are you going?”
Daniel chose to bluntly ignore him and put his earphones in. Sungwoon, not amused with being ignored, snatched the earphones from his ears. Daniel came to a halt and sent him a dirty look.
“What the fuck? Why are you so mad?”
“Oh, now you care. Now you have time.” Daniel responded.
Sungwoon looked at him with a puzzled expression.
“You cancelled on me yesterday. And the week before. And when we hangout, half the time I have to remind you because you forget!”
“Alright, dude. I didn’t know it was that big a deal. We can go to the bookstore now. Stop being so pissy.” Sungwoon snapped.
“I already went yesterday.” He took back his headphones and continued the walk to his room. Sungwoon silently followed, annoyed because he didn’t know what to do with an irritated Daniel.
Daniel entered his dorm and although he was pissed with the guy he still let Sungwoon in; his desire to see him stronger than his common sense. The dorm was empty to his benefit. If they were to fight to their death at least no one would stop them. Seconds after the door to his room closed, Sungwoon had Daniel pinned to it, pressing his entire body to his and reaching for his lips. They avoided the problem the best way they knew how and even if Sungwoon was showing him attention with angry kisses and heated touches, Daniel thought it was still not enough.
+++
The bathroom was the perfect place for a rendezvous. House parties didn’t provide many places for private encounters seeing that nobody thought to knock on a door before they got a good view of an asscheek and/or a pair in a promiscuous position. The bathroom was a small enough room that when entered, even in the heat of the moment, could be locked in an instant if forgotten.
Sneaking into the restroom after dodging swaying bodies in the hallway, Daniel latched himself to Sungwoon. The alcohol in his system at a decent level to propel his desires without hesitation while also knowing where the limit was. He unattached himself to lock the door and in a second was back to passionately kissing the older. He lifted him up onto the sink, moving between his knees; Sungwoon scooting forward so their crotches were aligned. Daniel’s hands slipped under Sungwoon’s shirt, running his palms and fingers up and down and all around his smooth back. Sungwoon pulled his mouth away but Daniel chased it, leaning him further into the sink where his head was almost touching the mirror.
“Wait,” Sungwoon said against Daniel’s eager mouth.
He pulled back and Sungwoon dug out his phone, bringing it to his ear. Daniel took this chance to stamp wet kisses against his jaw moving down his neck. He was pulling down the zipper of Sungwoon’s pants when he was stopped.
“Daehwi called. He needs help pulling Gunhee from the keg.” He redid his button and zipper and hopped down.
“Don’t leave.” Daniel whined, pinning Sungwoon to the counter with his hips. The shorter wrapped his arms around his neck and gave him a kiss that left him wanting more- all smooth lips and soft tongue.
“We’ll continue this later.” He whispered and vanished through the door.
Daniel stood with his arms bracing the counter avoiding looking at his reflection. He took a deep breath and splashed water on his face. He shook off the water droplets and tried to calm the growing erection in his ripped skinny jeans.
The next time he found Sungwoon they were all lounging on real leather sofas around a glass coffee table with an empty soju bottle being spun around on top. The last time he had played spin the bottle was his freshman year at his old university and they were still stuck on simply kissing the person the bottle landed on. At this new university, the stakes were higher. Truth or dare with various alcoholic drinks with the penalty being the removal of clothes. Daniel had not lost yet but he couldn’t say the same for others. Besides Sungwoon, Daniel only knew Sanggyun who was a friend of Taehyun’s. Sanggyun sat relaxed with his abs on display and his left foot missing a sock. It was Sungwoon’s turn.
“I dare you,” A pause. “To do a sexy dance using that post right there.”
Sungwoon pursed his lips, a smirk following afterwards. “Easy.” He said to a crowd of cheers.
Daniel’s eyes traced his silhouette taking in the well-fitted collarless black button up to his thigh-hugging dark wash jeans to his middle parted wavy hair and gray contacts. One of the girls started playing Jay Park’s ‘You Know’.
Sungwoon gripped the post high with his right hand, weaving his head around as he lip-synced the “oh oh ohs” of the song. He stepped away, hand never moving from its position and viewed the crowd with a lustful glance before diving into a body wave against the post, lips almost touching the metal as if it were a person he was about to sinfully kiss as he mouthed the lyrics to the chorus. Turning his head to the watching eyes, he ran his other hand down the post slowly, making eye contact with some of his spectators through his lashes.
If Daniel had thought that performance was solely for him he was greatly mistaken- not once did Sungwoon look at him. He watched as several of the guys (a few girls also) licked their lips and smirked as Sungwoon sat back down again. Anger getting the best of him, Daniel excused himself to deaf ears and fled the room.
Two soju bombs and two shots of tequila seemed appropriate enough to chase away his feelings of desperation. He poured himself his drinks and walked into one of the rooms with an entire bottle of soju in his hand. He sat on the arm of a chair that was surprisingly vacant and surveyed the room. The more he moved his eyes around the hazier his vision became. He was certain, however, that he saw Sungwoon resting against a wall to his left with some guy he did or didn’t recognize. He removed his gaze, hunting instead for someone who could entertain him and be a sight for sore eyes. He made eye contact with two girls that were watching him and raised his eyebrows in a “come talk to me” way. Succeeding, they walked over to him as he took a sip from the bottle.
Now Daniel knew he was a good-looking guy. He could charm any man or woman with his looks alone but he usually chose to win them over with his warm friendliness instead. What he didn’t understand was why neither his looks, charm nor warm personality seemed to matter to that one person that had become the most important to him.
“Drinking alone at a party? That’s kind of sad.” Daniel peered up at the girl imitating the lusty look Sungwoon had executed before. She blushed. Hmph. He knows what he’s doing after all, Daniel thought.
“What brings you girls here?”
“Oh, you know. Find someone new for the night.” She eyed Daniel openly. “Get our minds off of certain people.” He caught onto what the girl was saying but still ended up looking across the room. Miraculously, he caught Sungwoon’s eye but broke contact shortly after. He realized talking to these girls was pointless. He could tell they were probably freshmen and he didn’t want anything from them. Feeling bad for leading them on he replied “Me too. Be careful of the upperclassmen. They’re real assholes.” And walked back into the kitchen. He found Seongwoo munching on crackers.
“Yo!” Seongwoo raised a cracker in the air. “What’s up, man? You look a little wound up.”
Daniel smiled. “Nah, I’m just fine.” He said and reached for the crackers.
Daniel hadn’t always felt this way. At first, he had forged a friendship with Sungwoon out of curiosity for the other. He was smaller than a lot of guys their age, yet very handsome. He was friendly and knew a lot of people, yet was shy and stubborn around strangers. He seemed very serious at times, but knew how to crack jokes. Viewing his interactions with Jisung, Daniel concluded that Sungwoon had a lot more to offer than what he put on display. Daniel found him an interesting person and wanted to get to know him better. His curiosity for the shorter guy was nothing romantic; not like at first sight, not love at first sight.
Then, that day, Daniel had kissed him and their friendship had snowballed into something more than just friends but less than lovers. Sungwoon had turned to him one day and said they should keep it between themselves. He was a private person and wasn't fond of others meddling in his business. He also said it was just the two of them messing around in their free time so it was no big deal. No relationship, no strings attached. Daniel had agreed not because he also was a private person but because that's what Sungwoon wanted. To him, it didn't matter if everyone knew or not, but he went along with it.
In the end, Daniel didn't know how to stay emotionally unattached. He learned through his jealousy fits that without trying, he had grown to have more than just platonic feelings for Sungwoon. He discovered that a large part of himself already considered Sungwoon and he a couple- just without labels. He was not interested in meeting other people- emotionally or physically; he was content with Sungwoon. The problem lied in the fact that Daniel was almost always willing to follow Sungwoon's wishes; never bothering to ask for more.