Chapter Text
1.
It was an unfortunate fact of Dirk’s life that he wasn’t even surprised when the tranquilizer dart hit him in the arm.
When he woke up, who knew how long later, it was to a familiar sight: blank concrete walls, no windows, and a locked door. He felt a wave of longing for his flat in the Ridgely, even though he had barely spent any time there since acquiring it. Better yet, he longed for Todd’s flat; it was much nicer than his own, even in its current shabby state courtesy of the Rowdy Three. And it had one major advantage over Dirk’s own flat: Todd was in it. And any Todd, even an angry Todd, was better than no Todd at all.
He thought about Todd in the diner, about his crooked smile and his laughter. It was incredible to see Todd truly and honestly happy; the closest Dirk had seen to it before that moment was on their road trip out into the woods to find Patrick Spring’s machine.
Stupid universe, always ruining things just when they were getting good.
The door opening interrupted his thoughts. Two army fellows entered his little cell, followed by a woman wearing a business suit. She was holding a folder and Dirk would have tried to read what was written on it but he was far too preoccupied by the giant guns that the two guards were carrying. Really, more guns being pointed at him as just what he needed right now.
“Project Icarus.” The woman said briskly. She smiled thinly when he didn’t respond. “Dirk Gently, then. It’s been a long time.”
“Actually, if you’re referring to the last time I was locked in a cell, it really hasn’t been very long. Just this week I’ve- “
The woman cut him off. “I don’t actually care. All that matters to me is fixing this Blackwing mess. And you’re at the top of my to-do list.”
Dirk swallowed, feeling his heart start to pound. “Well, that seems unnecessarily ominous. I don’t know what Riggins told you- “
The woman cut him off again. “Riggins is no longer involved in this operation. He won’t be interfering on your behalf again.”
On his behalf? Really? That seemed…out of character, to say the least.
“Gently.” A voice snapped. Dirk refocussed on the situation at hand to find the woman glaring at him impatiently. Ah yes, scary woman, big guns, how could he forget?
Seeing that she had reclaimed his attention, the woman continued. “We’ve located Projects Incubus and Abbadon and are in the process of apprehending them. Tell me where the other Projects are.”
“The other-?” Dirk spluttered. “I don’t know! I-I don’t even know who they are! It’s not like Blackwing was some social club!”
The woman narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “I see.” Then she shrugged, as if she hadn’t a care in the world. If that was the case, then Dirk truly envied her. “Maybe some time alone in here will change your mind.”
“I told you, I don’t know! I can’t change my mind about telling you something that I don’t actually know!”
But the woman didn’t seem to be listening anymore as she turned around and exited the room, quickly followed by the two guards. The door closed behind the lot of them, locking with a loud thud.
Well, that was just wonderful. Now he was stuck in a locked cell, waiting on the return of a scary lady with a lot of firepower who wanted to know something he had no way of knowing.
He stewed on his (truly, incredibly, uncomfortable) cot for a few moments, contemplating the deep unfairness of the universe. He would have gotten up to check the room for possible escape routes or weaknesses except 1) he had no idea what to look for and 2) he wouldn’t be able to make use of a potential weakness even if he found one because Farah hadn’t taught him any escape-y skills yet (though they were doing that as soon as he got out, this was just embarrassing) and finally, 3) it didn’t feel like the right thing to do. In fact, the right thing to do felt like sitting on this cot, stewing in his own ineptitude, and waiting.
So, that’s what he did. He waited, and he waited, and he waited. And after all that waiting, he waited some more.
Waiting was awful. Sitting alone in silence gave him far too much time to think.
He just didn’t understand why this was happening. It had seemed so clear that he was meant to be in Seattle. He was meant to meet Todd (though yes, he had stacked the deck a little in his favor there, although could you blame him when all that stood between him and a best friend was one itty-bitty lie? Dirk cut that thought off before it could go any further, Todd’s anguished face appearing in his mind like some guilt provoking ghost). They were meant to work the case together and meet Farah and save Lydia Spring. The universe couldn’t have been clearer if it had written a message in the sky. So then why was he compelled to walk outside that diner, just when everything was looking up, so he could get captured by the CIA all over again?
Maybe it was some kind of lesson. The universe giveth and the universe taketh away or something ridiculous like that. Nothing was permanent, nobody stayed, and he was always alone.
Just as Dirk finished thinking that, the door opened. He rolled his eyes. “Seriously? What does it take for a someone to be able to mope in peace around here?”
“What?”
Dirk immediately froze. He must be hallucinating or dreaming or something, as there was no Earthly way that that voice could be here, in some kind of super-secret-underground CIA bunker. If that voice was here, then that would mean –
Todd Brotzman stood in doorway, the red strobing light behind him illuminating him like some kind of demonic guardian angel. He had a giant gun cradled in his arms and ammunition strapped around his chest. His face was streaked with dirt and his eyes were wild.
In short, he was the most beautiful thing Dirk had ever seen.
“Todd?” Dirk asked, voice shaking. There was simply no way that Todd could be here. How would he have gotten in? Where did he get the gun? Why hadn’t he been stopped by any of the (presumably myriad) guards? And none of those questions even addressed how he could have possibly found this facility. Super-secret-underground CIA bunkers were notoriously difficult to find; Dirk should know.
But it felt right. It didn’t feel like a wilful hallucination, or like Dirk had somehow managed to lose his mind in the time he had been staring at the ceiling and watching dust motes float through the air. It felt right in the same way that breaking into Todd’s flat felt right, in the same way that convincing Todd to let him drive to Amanda’s house that first day felt right. The way it had felt after getting Todd’s call after their first fight, when Todd had (reluctantly, but still) asked for his help in investigating Gordon Rimmer’s house: like something vital in the universe had just been put in place, although Dirk couldn’t see how yet.
Which would mean that Todd was meant to be here, in this bunker, in this cell. And if Todd was meant to be here, then maybe that meant –
“Oh my god, Dirk!” In the blink of an eye, Todd was crashing to his knees in front of Dirk, dropping the gun in his arms. Those arms then wrapped around Dirk and pulled him towards Todd.
Dirk almost resisted, but it happened so fast that he was so caught off guard he couldn’t react until he was pressed against Todd’s chest. And then he froze up, because this was something else entirely.
Dirk had…limited experience with physical contact, to say the least. It was difficult to learn the rules of social engagement when one was being dragged around by the wrist by the universe, so he had an unfortunate habit of alienating people. And people weren’t exactly receptive to receiving touches, however innocent, from strangers. Nor were they inclined to dole them out. Dirk could barely remember the last time he’d been hugged, and it certainly hadn’t been anything like this.
Todd was more than hugging Dirk, he was clutching at him. His arms wrapped around Dirk’s body like vises and his fingers dug into Dirk’s shirt so tightly it felt like they might wrinkle it. For a wild moment, Dirk wished he wasn’t even wearing a shirt so that Todd could cling that tightly to his bare skin. Maybe then he would leave marks that Dirk could peruse later, to remind himself that this moment had been real.
Feeling slightly flustered, Dirk finally relaxed into the embrace and very tentatively brought his arms around Todd. His hands flailed for moment, unsure what to do with themselves, before settling gingerly on Todd’s shoulders. What were people even meant to do with their hands in this kind of thing? Pat? Squeeze? Stroke? Dirk tried all three. And then he continued to stroke. My, but Todd had quite nice shoulders, didn’t he?
Dirk was so distracted that he barely noticed Todd speaking.
“Thank God you’re alright,” Todd was saying, “I don’t know what I would’ve done if- “
Todd cut himself off, squeezed him tight one last time, and then let go.
Dirk missed this fact as he was a teensy bit distracted by the warm press of Todd against his chest and his continued examination of Todd’s shoulders. Then Todd huffed a laugh and put his hand on Dirk’s shoulders, pushing very gently.
Dirk immediately let go, withdrawing as fast as he could. This hugging business was really very difficult wasn’t it? How was one meant to know when the hug was finished? He was going to have to work on this. He hoped very desperately that he would be able to work on it with Todd as an assistant. But all thoughts of future hugging training regiments were quickly forgotten when Dirk took in Todd’s face, complete with teary eyes.
Oh no, no, no, no, this was awful. Todd wasn’t meant to cry! Todd only cried when something truly awful was happening, like that positively horrid time on the pier. He couldn’t cry now when something good (really good, positively amazing in Dirk’s opinion) was happening.
Dirk cupped Todd’s cheeks in his hands, as if he could stop any tears from falling through physical force. And then he said the only thing he could think to say.
“Aren’t you a little short for a skydiver?”
Todd’s face twisted into a frown. Well, not precisely the reaction Dirk was going for, but much better than tears, so Dirk was going to jot this one down as a win.
“What are you even saying right now?” Todd asked, that note of despairing confusion in his voice that Dirk had grown so unreasonably fond of.
“Y’know, in Star War? When Watkin rescues King Jeffrey on the Elsecube?”
Todd squinted at him for a long second before tentatively saying, “Do you mean Star Wars? Like, Luke and Princess Leia on the Deathstar?”
Now Dirk was the one confused. “No, I’m pretty sure it was Watkin and Jeffrey on the Elsecube.” Dirk let go of Todd’s face as tears no longer seemed imminent and flailed his hands, cutting the protest Todd was about to make off. “But that doesn’t matter now! What matters is…” He gesticulated at Todd’s entire person, not quite sure how to put the enormity of this situation into words, “You’re here!”
Todd’s frown shifted, gaining the determined edge Dirk remembered so well from their first case, usually seen whenever he was about to do something ridiculously brave and stupid. Brupid. Strave? Hmm.
“That’s right. I’m here now. And I’m not gonna let them take you again.” Todd stood, picking up his gun with one hand and offering the other to Dirk. “We’re getting out of here. C’mon.”
Dirk slipped his hand into Todd’s and found himself pulled to his feet in one smooth motion. That was a nice trick; Todd had a very good grip and some impressive upper body strength and – Good Lord, Dirk’s face was feeling very warm and he really should try to concentrate and – oh. Todd hadn’t let go on his hand yet. That was – yes.
When Dirk looked up from staring at their joined hands, Todd was staring intently at him.
“You gotta stay close to me, okay Dirk? Farah’s covering the hall outside and the Rowdy Three should be out by now. But there’s still a bunch of guards around so we have to be careful. You ready?”
Dirk nodded, unable to break eye contact with Todd. “Yes. I’m ready.”
Todd smiled slightly and squeezed Dirk’s hand briefly before letting go, seeming to finally notice that they were still connected. “Alright. Then let’s get out of here.”
Maybe he’d been too hasty before. After all, Todd and Farah (his friends!) were here, breaking him out of a super-secret-underground CIA bunker that they shouldn’t have even been able to find. Maybe the universe had decided to give him something good for once. Maybe, he thought, looking at Todd, this was something he got to keep.
2.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?”
Dirk blinked, turning away from the grimy bar laid out in front of them to face Todd. “Of course, it is Todd. This establishment is exactly where the case has been leading us!”
Todd frowned back at him suspiciously. Dirk struggled and failed not to find it endearing. “Dirk, we were driving around randomly for hours and then you just jumped out at a stoplight and ran in here.”
“Yes, because the universe wanted me to. And we weren’t driving randomly, we were going -” Dirk started, trying not to roll his eyes.
“– where the universe wanted us to go because nothing is random, yeah, I know.” Todd finished for him, and actually rolled his eyes. Well, that was just rude. “So, why did the universe want us to come here?”
Dirk grinned. “Absolutely no idea!”
Todd sighed. “Somehow, I knew you were gonna say that. Well, I guess as long as we’re here we might as well get a couple drinks and find somewhere to sit. Preferably before we get anymore weird looks.”
Sure enough, the scattered patrons of the bar were glancing at them oddly. That may have been because Dirk had been standing in the door for about ten minutes while he waited for Todd to catch up with him. Now that he thought about it, Todd had probably been trying to find a parking space. Cars could be so inconvenient sometimes.
Todd set off for the bar, Dirk trailing behind. It didn’t take very long to get service as the bar was fairly empty. Dirk couldn’t decide if that was because the bar was so grungy or because it was barely past three in the afternoon.
“I can get two Pike IPAs, please?” Todd asked. The bartender grunted in response but dutifully poured two pints.
“Do you really think we should be drinking?” Dirk asked. Todd shrugged.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere.” He said. Dirk tilted his head to the side while he considered this.
“While that’s very true Todd, I don’t really understand what that has to do with this particular situation.”
“It means –“ Todd cut himself off and looked at him for a moment before continuing. “It’s just something people say to make themselves feel better about drinking during the day so they don’t feel like burgeoning alcoholics.”
Dirk nodded sagely. “Ah, I see.” Dirk did not see.
The bartender grunted again and pushed the two pints toward them. Todd paid, grabbed the pints, and walked over to a booth. Dirk sat down across from him and accepted one of the pints as Todd pushed it toward him.
“What’s this?”
“Beer.” Todd squinted at him. “You’ve had beer before, right?”
Dirk scoffed. “Of course, I have Todd. Really, I’m not nearly so sheltered as you think I am.”
Todd put up his hands defensively. “Alright, just checking.”
“It’s alright, Todd. I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing.” It was actually very touching. Dirk hadn’t had very many people care about how he was doing or worry about him. It was nice to feel taken care of.
Todd stared at him for a long second. “Um, okay.” Todd broke Dirk’s gaze and took a long draught of his beer.
Dirk turned to his own drink and took a sip. Which he promptly spat back out.
“Dirk? What’s wrong?” Todd asked, sounding fairly panicked. Dirk was too busy trying to wipe the taste off his tongue with his hands to answer immediately.
“Dirk!”
Dirk stopped scraping long enough to speak. He never liked it when Todd was upset, and he definitely sounded like he was warming up to being quite upset now. He’d even recently begun excusing himself when he got too worked up. Although Dirk always offered, multiple times, to accompany him or to help him in anyway he could, Todd always refused. There was nothing Dirk hated more than sitting somewhere, twiddling his thumbs, knowing that Todd was so upset that he needed to be alone (and away from Dirk who had probably made him upset in the first place although Dirk never knew how. He’d even tried asking Todd once how he could be less upsetting, but that conversation had only resulted in Todd being very confused. Maybe Dirk needed to be clearer.) So really, it was much better to just nip this in the bud.
“What on earth is that?” Dirk asked, trying to sound cool and collected and like he hadn’t just spewed beer all over the table. He suspected that he was failing, as his voice sounded much higher than it usually did.
“Uh, beer? Where you expecting something else?” Todd sounded less upset and more confused. A step in the right direction. “Wait, I thought you said you had had beer before?” Ooooh, now he sounded more angry than confused. Wrong direction, wrong direction!
“I’ve had beer before yes, and this is not beer. This is a – a travesty, that’s what this is!”
“Dirk, this beer is from The Pike Brewery, it’s one of the best beers in Seattle. It’s won awards.” Todd said, giving Dirk his ‘who-are-you-and-why-do-I-associate-with-you’ look. Now this look Dirk should definitely not find endearing, and yet.
“Well, I don’t know what kind of awards it won, but it certainly didn’t win the This Tastes Good And Is Fit For Human Consumption award.”
“Dirk – “
“If you like it so much, why don’t you drink it.” Dirk shoved his beer over to Todd’s side of the table. “I’m going to go get another drink. One that tastes nice.”
“Wait, Dirk – “ But Dirk was already up and heading back to bar. Where he stood politely and waited while the bartender cleaned a pile of glasses before acknowledging him with a grunt.
“Yes, hello,” Dirk started, “I’d like to get a drink, please.” He paused. “Thank you.”
The bartender stared at him for a long moment of silence before grunting again.
“Oh! I suppose you’d like to know what I want.” Dirk laughed awkwardly. “I guess I’d like something…sweet? Ooh, could you make something that tastes like orange soda? I do like orange soda.”
The bartender stared at him for another long moment. Dirk had the feeling he was being appraised, like some kind of curious antique lamp. Then the bartender grunted again, sounding just the slightest bit less filled with ennui. Then he turned to the bar and started selecting bottles.
Soon enough, a very orange drink was placed in front of Dirk. He reached out and with one last glance at the bartender, who seemed to be leaning forward slightly in anticipation, took a hesitant sip. And grinned.
“That’s delicious! Thank you so much!” Dirk exclaimed. The bartender nodded, and possibly even cracked a smile; it was hard to tell under his beard.
Dirk paid and headed back to the table, where Todd was waiting and staring into his beer. Well, technically Dirk’s beer, as it seemed he had finished his own pint while Dirk was fetching his new drink.
Todd startled when Dirk sat across from him. “Oh, you’re back. What did you get?”
Dirk grinned. “I don’t know.”
Todd frowned. “What’s in it?”
“Haven’t the foggiest.”
Todd rubbed his hands across his eyes and then took a long drink. “Yeah, that sounds about right. So, the case? Are we just going to wait until something happens?”
“Well the universe obviously wanted us to be here, so the case is connected to something or someone here. I’m sure it’ll present itself shortly.”
Todd snorted derisively but didn’t say anything, apparently preferring to turn back to his drink.
They sat in silence for a moment, both of them sipping their drinks. Finally, Dirk set down his drink.
“What?” Todd asked.
“Oh nothing, I’m just going to get another drink.” Dirk said, starting to get up.
“But you didn’t even drink half of the one you already have.” Todd said, gesturing to the drink Dirk had just set down.
“Yes, but there’s only so much orange soda taste one can handle at once, right?”
Todd stared at him. “I’ve seen you drink an entire 2 liters of orange soda in one sitting. It wasn’t pretty, but I’ve seen you do it.”
Dirk shrugged. “Well, I don’t want the rest of it. Why don’t you have it?” And Dirk walked back over the bar, the sound of Todd’s aggravated sigh following him.
The bartender looked up from his seemingly unending pile of dirty glasses at Dirk’s approach and grunted. Dirk chose to believe that it was marginally more friendly than the previous times.
“Hello again!” Dirk leaned against the bar like he’d seen suave characters do in movies. He missed the bar with his elbow the first time but he got it the second time, so he was counting it as a win. “I was wondering if I could trouble you for another drink? I’m thinking something fruity and bubbly. Maybe effervescent. Yes, I think that would be good.”
The bartender grunted softly, as if in thought, before whirling and pulling bottles down. He poured and mixed in a whirl of motion before pushing a dark fizzing drink over to Dirk. Dirk didn’t even hesitate, he just slapped down some money, thanked the bartender, and walked back to their table.
Todd seemed to have been getting on fine without him, as he’d now finished the second beer and moved onto Dirk’s abandoned orange soda-esque drink. He made a face every time he took a sip but he kept drinking it determinedly.
“If you don’t like, why are you drinking it?” Dirk asked as he sat down.
“It’s perfectly good alcohol Dirk, I’m not just gonna waste it. This stuff costs money, and we’re not exactly rolling in it right now. That would require us getting an actual paying case.”
Dirk decided not to argue and took a sip of his drink. It was delicious, just like the last one. They were definitely going to have to come here more often. Wherever here was.
A comfortable silence fell between the two of them. Todd was looking around the room, taking a drink absentmindedly every few seconds. He was obviously studying the crowd, searching for their next clue. Dirk, who was used to the fickle nature of the universe, didn’t bother searching and mostly just looked at Todd.
At the rate Todd was drinking, it didn’t take him long to finish his drink. When he did, Dirk pushed his over to him.
Todd just looked at the new drink that had ended up in his hands before sighing. “Getting another one?”
Dirk grinned at him. “Yes!” Todd just stared at him dumbly as he got up; Dirk could feel his eyes on him all the way to the bar.
And so, they established a pattern. Dirk would get a drink, tire of it after a few sips, and pass it onto Todd, who would finish it stoically. Their table slowly filled up with empty glasses as Todd gamely worked his way through them all. Which is how, an hour or so later, Dirk came back to the table with another glass and found Todd sprawled face down on the table surrounded by empty glasses.
Dirk slowly lowered himself into his seat, wary that he might have to get up quickly and seek help. Or a bucket. “Todd? Are you feeling alright?” Todd just moaned in response.
“Todd, I’m sorry but I don’t know what that means. Todd…Todd?” Todd didn’t answer beyond another pathetic sounding moan that trailed off into silence. After a long moment, Dirk reached out and poked Todd hesitantly on the head. No response. So, he did it again. This time, Todd made a sad sound that reminded Dirk of the stray cat who lived near the Ridgely and always wanted to be petted. So really, it wasn’t Dirk’s fault that he responded to the sound by starting to pet Todd’s hair. It was just ingrained instinct, completely automatic. It certainly wasn’t something Dirk had thought about doing before.
Todd melted under Dirk’s hand, sagging further into the table. They sat like that for awhile, Dirk petting Todd’s (surprisingly soft, he’d have to ask him what shampoo he used) hair while Todd did his best impression of a deflating balloon, complete with occasional whining squeak. Finally, Todd sat up and blearily looked at Dirk with watery eyes.
“Dirk –“ Todd started and cut himself off. His eyes widened and he looked so frightened for a second that Dirk couldn’t help but glance behind him for some kind of threat. But there was nothing there and by the time he’d turned around again Todd was pulling himself clumsily to his feet.
“Wait, Todd, where –“ Dirk stood too, reaching for Todd’s arm. Todd yanked away from him before Dirk reached him, so violently that he almost over balanced. Dirk immediately retreated, stepping back to put some space between them. Todd shot him a wild look and swallowed heavily.
“Sorry Dirk, I just gotta –“ And Todd was off, wobbling away on unsteady feet. He almost collided with another patron, swerving at the last second and disappearing into the bathroom.
Well, that had certainly been – odd. But maybe Todd was just feeling unwell. Dirk knew he hated being helped when he was feeling below the weather. Maybe it would be best to just wait for Todd here, so he wouldn’t have to deal with Dirk pestering him and his upset stomach at the same time.
Decision made, Dirk sat back down and waited. And waited. And waited. After what felt like millennia, he decided it was probably best to check on Todd, even if it made Todd upset. Better Todd upset than potentially hurt and needing Dirk’s assistance.
Dirk made his way over to the bathroom. There was only one stall occupied; after a long moment hesitating, Dirk knocked ever so gently on the door. “Todd? Are you alright?”
There was a long moment of silence before Todd responded in a strangled voice. “Yeah, I’m – ah – I’m fine Dirk, just-just gimme a second okay? I’ll be out soon.”
Dirk nodded, even though Todd couldn’t see him. “Yes, of course, I’ll just wait outside, shall I? Yes, I’ll do – yes.” Dirk retreated from the room and slumped against the wall outside.
He didn’t want to push Todd. He never wanted to push Todd beyond what he was comfortable giving (at least in terms of their friendship; the universe often didn’t care how far one was willing to go or how much one was willing to give in the name of a case). And Dirk realized that he had pushed Todd before, pushed him to take control of his life and make different choices or pushed him to be less hard on himself or be more honest with his family, but those had all turned out alright. Todd may have been frustrated or confused, but he hadn’t walked away from Dirk or cut him out of his life. Not like he had done that day on the pier. That was the one thing Dirk was truly afraid of.
So, he wouldn’t push Todd to let him in, to let him help. Not because he didn’t care, but because he cared too much. He’d gotten too far in, and now he didn’t know what he would do without Todd, without the family he was building at the Detective Agency. Dirk had been alone too long to want to be alone again.
Dirk slumped against the wall outside the bathroom for who knows how long. A few other patrons passed him on their way to the bathroom and threw him the occasional glance, but he was mostly ignored. Maybe this was a regular occurrence in this establishment, someone sitting despondently outside a restroom.
Eventually the bathroom door opened and there was Todd. He looked pale and clammy, his shirt sticking to his skin in odd places. His hair was sticking up all over his head, as if he had been running his fingers through it incessantly.
Todd started to walk back toward the bar, only slightly less wobbly than before. He obviously hadn’t seen Dirk, so Dirk reached out and grabbed his hand before he could wander off. Todd startled badly and whirled toward him, before seeming to realize it was only Dirk and not something threatening. Although maybe he wasn’t much better, judging by the way Todd’s expression crumpled into one of pure misery.
“Have you been sitting here the whole time?” Todd asked, voice as miserable as his face.
Feeling suddenly awkward, Dirk cleared his throat and got to his feet. “I-I didn’t know if you might need something, so I thought I should stay nearby. Just in case, you understand.”
For whatever reason, this didn’t seem to make Todd feel better. “I’m so sorry, Dirk,” he said.
Dirk scoffed, smiling gently. “For what, Todd? Feeling ill? I’d be surprised if you didn’t after so much alcohol. And if anyone’s at fault, it’s me; I kept making you drink, after all.”
Todd shook his head, blearily glaring at Dirk. “No, you didn’t make me do anything. I did this. Why do you always do that?”
“Pardon?” Dirk asked.
Todd flailed his arms, as if trying to gesture to the entire world at once. “Why do you always put everything on yourself? I make my own shitty decisions, Dirk! It’s not your fault, so don’t act like it is!”
Dirk put up his hand in surrender. “Alright, I won’t, I guess?”
Todd didn’t seem to have heard him because he was still talking. “I mean, it’s like you have this idea of who I am in your head, but it’s all wrong. You think I’m this great person, and you think I’m brave, or like some stupid knight in shining armor or something. And I’m not! And I don’t need you putting those kinds of expectations on me, Dirk!”
“I don’t think I am?” Dirk said, utterly in the dark. He didn’t think they were talking about Todd getting drunk at this point. This seemed like something else.
“I don’t need it because I can’t be those things!” Todd continued ranting. “I can’t, and y’know why? It’s because I’m a shitty person. And I’ve always been a shitty person.” Todd stopped and looked at the ground for a long moment. When he finally spoke again, he looked back up at Dirk, eyes watery.
“I thought I could be different, y’know, after I met you? I thought that this could be my chance, to turn it around and come clean about everything and just...be better. Like, just - change who I was.” Todd shrugged helplessly. “But I can’t. And I didn’t. I’m still the piece of shit that I was before.”
Dirk shook his head desperately. “No Todd, you’re not a shitty person, what are you talking about -”
Dirk cut himself off when he noticed another bar patron trying to squeeze past them into the bathroom. He was suddenly incredibly cognizant of the fact that they were in a public space and speaking rather loudly. It was entirely possible that someone had overheard their conversation and Dirk knew that Todd would be mortified if and when he realized that.
Dirk grabbed Todd’s hand again, dragging him toward the exit sign at the end of the hallway. “C’mon, we should go.”
“But Dirk, what about the case?” Todd asked, resisting Dirk’s pull.
“It doesn’t matter now. This is more important.” Dirk said, finally succeeding in pulling Todd after him and out the back door.
They stumbled out into an alleyway that ran behind the bar. Todd followed Dirk for a few steps and then gracelessly slumped against a wall, sliding to sit on the ground. At least he wasn’t sitting directly in a pile of garbage, Dirk noted, and sat down beside him. Todd’s crisis of conscience was more important than a clean pair of trousers.
“Todd,” Dirk said softly. Todd didn’t seem to hear him, or was trying to ignore him, so Dirk tugged at his sleeve until Todd glanced over. “You’re not a shitty person. You’ve made some bad decisions, but everyone has. That doesn’t mean you’re bad. And it’s -” Dirk stopped for a moment, trying to speak around the growing lump in his throat and desperately trying not to cry. He promised himself he would do less crying, especially in front on Todd. “- it’s awful, just awful, to hear you say those things about yourself. To know that you think that way. Because you’re good, Todd. You’re so good. And I-” Dirk stopped that sentence where it was and changed tracks. “- you’re my best friend.”
“I shouldn’t be.” Todd said viciously, his mouth drawing back in a sneer.
Dirk felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. “P-pardon?”
“I shouldn’t be your best friend.” Todd continued, loathing in his eyes. “You’re always talking about how you’ve never had a friend before. You deserved someone better for your first friend. Someone...less me.”
Oh, he had said that because of Todd’s continued self-loathing and angst, not because Todd wanted Dirk out of his life. Thank goodness.
And Dirk had the perfect rebuttal for this one. “Well, I wouldn’t choose any differently. And even if I did, it wouldn’t matter, don’t you see Todd?” From the confused look on Todd’s miserable face, it was clear he didn’t. Dirk sighed in frustration. “Don’t you remember when we first met?”
“When you broke into my apartment after future-you told you to?” Todd asked skeptically.
“Well, alright, you have a point. But what I meant was... Todd, if we weren’t meant to be friends, we never would have met.”
“How do you figure?” Todd asked, his brow crinkled in that way Dirk found so endearing.
“The universe wouldn’t have allowed it. If we weren’t meant to meet, it wouldn’t have mattered what future-me told me, I never would have been able to find you. Or I wouldn’t have been able to talk to you or...something! Or for that matter, future-you probably wouldn’t have even been there with future-me, so past-me wouldn’t have know to even look for past-you.” Todd was looking even more confused, so Dirk decided to simplify it. “The point of the matter is, the universe wanted us to meet. I may have stacked the deck a little, but even if I hadn’t, we were always going to meet. Always.”
Dirk tugged on Todd’s sleeve again. “We were always meant to be friends, Todd. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Don’t you get it? You were the first good thing the universe ever gave me. After years of cases, and the CIA, and people leaving, and then the universe said ‘here, I think you’ve had enough, why don’t you have Todd Brotzman.’ And you know what?”
Todd was staring at him, seeming to hang on every word. “What?”
Dirk smiled. “It was so worth it.”
They just sat there for a few long moments before Todd finally nodded. Dirk didn’t know if he fully believed him, but Todd seemed to be in less of a crisis. Mostly, he just looked tired.
“Okay,” Todd said, seemingly to himself. “Okay.” Then he slumped slowly into Dirk, and gently laid his head on Dirk’s shoulder.
“You’re my best friend too.” Todd said softly, nuzzling his face in Dirk’s jacket.
Dirk laughed, uncaring that a few tears spilled out. Todd couldn’t see from this angle and it wasn’t so bad to cry when they were happy tears.
Todd seemed to be comfortable where he was, so Dirk slipped his arm around his shoulder, pulling him close. Todd murmured indistinctly and resettled, his hand coming up to curl in Dirk’s jacket.
Dirk was more than content to sit there and soak it all in: the wet pavement soaking into his trousers, the rank scent of garbage permeating the alleyway, and the heat of Todd’s body pressed against his side. It was a good moment; Dirk knew that he would cherish it. And whatever had brought on Todd’s emotional crisis, Dirk knew they would work it out. Because they were friends, best friends. The universe said so, and who was Dirk not to listen?