Chapter Text
Youngkyun inhaled the deep musky scent of the ground beneath him. In the distance he could hear the faint sound of steps heading in the opposite direction to where he was currently having a close encounter with mother earth. His lungs ached as he tried to take a deep breath, the difficulty in doing so addressing that he had most definitely taken a hit to his diaphragm.
This situation was one Youngkyun had become way too familiar with during the past months. The slandering words from people had quickly turned into physical encounters with guys twice his size that for some reason had decided that Youngkyun was a piece of shit that deserved to be slowly broken apart.
The scrawny 15-year-old gained enough energy to get up in a seated position, brushing most of the dirt off his white blazer. His belongings were scattered around him as his backpack had been ripped apart by the bullies. He tried to pick up whatever he could hold in his arms and directed his steps towards his home.
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Youngkyun had been a bright kid from the moment that he entered this world. His grandparents were thrilled to get their first grandchild and every relative was excited to learn teach the little boy everything they knew. And luckily for them, Youngkyun was a curious child who loved to learn new things. He could count to 20 far before the other children and would happily cite his mother's favourite poems. They always said that Youngkyun would become something big one day. If only they had known that this statement would become a weight on the boy's shoulders.
Being one of the smartest kids had its perks. His kindergarten teachers would always give him the special golden stars that showed that you had learned something important. But he also knew that he was different right from the start. Sometimes when he tried to talk to the other children they gave him a weird look, like if he had spoken a completely different language. This took a toll on little Youngkyun who loved to speak to people, but couldn't get his point across to people his age.
It was in elementary school that he started dancing. Youngkyun had went to see a movie with his parents where one of the main rolls was a teenage boy who dreamed of becoming an idol and perform on stage in front of thousands of people. Youngkyun had stood up in the theatre, pointed at the screen and loudly told his parents that "he wanted to be like that when he grew up". His parents thought that it might be a good thing for their son to have a physical activity and enrolled him in the local dance studio.
Youngkyun loved dancing. He loved how he could use his charismatic side that maybe wasn't so good when it came to speaking and apply it to his performances. It also helped him to deal with his problems that he had outside of the dancing studio. His parents fought more than ever. Even though they always tried to convince Youngkyun that they were "just discussing things, not arguing", the boy had started to notice the distance that his parents seemed to hold between each other.
Elementary school had also taken a toll on Youngkyun. Even though he it seemed like people understood what he was saying, it still seemed like there was this strange gap between him and his classmates. They would call him names out of the blue, call him stupid and useless. But Youngkyun would just laugh at them. It was the only thing he could do really. Even though he knew that the words didn't hold any truth to them, it was still difficult to feel like an outsider all of the time. He didn't know how to cope without dancing.
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As the years went by, Youngkyun's family decided to move to another city as he was starting high school. What scared him the most was that there was no dance academy in the new city, which meant that he was stuck practising in his small room and accidentally hitting his limbs on every piece of furniture. But he still kept in contact with some of his fellow dance friends, even though he would more call them acquaintances than friends.
The now 14-year-old Youngkyun seemed like a shy little boy as he walked through the gates of his new school, which was understandable. His new school was much bigger than his last one, and the amount of people attending had almost increased tenfold. But Youngkyun was confident within himself. He knew that he was a good person and he was aware of his strengths and weaknesses. But he had always been intimidated by new people, especially large and loud ones.
On his first day of school he had quickly realised that he would be one of the shortest boys in his class and screamed internally for about a minute before he realised that someone had taken the seat beside him in the classroom. Luckily, the boy seemed just as scared (and small) as himself. The other nervously clutched his colourful backpack but Youngkyun still managed to get a glimpse of the motive on the front. He had never been one to initiate a conversation, "but what could go wrong?" he thought.
He poked the other's arm and pointed at the backpack once he got his attention.
"Naruto … so you like anime?" Youngkyun whispered quietly so that the others wouldn't hear.
The change in the other's expression was immediate. His eyes turned into crescent moons and he smiled widely.
"Yeah, do you also watch it?" he replied enthusiastically.
This was the beginning of a friendship between Youngkyun and his new classmate, Jungwoo. They would talk about everything and everyone. When the other boys spent the recess chasing girls or playing football, the two of them mostly enjoyed sitting by one of the big trees on the school playground. But they would also spend late nights talking on the phone, especially when Youngkyun's parents were fighting. He would cry, something that he hadn't done in years, and suddenly he opened up to the other about the things he had gone through. He told him about feeling misunderstood and alone, but having to stand up for yourself. Jongwoo always seemed to be there for him when Youngkyun needed a shoulder to cry on.
Youngkyun felt himself getting more and more depressed for each day that passed, even though he was able to put on a façade to not show everyone. He, Kim Youngkyun, would not be seen as a weak individual. But the loss of something he was passionate about, his parents constant nagging at each other and the glares from people as he walked down the corridors were too much when combined. Maybe he would have been able to deal with them once at a time, but not like this. He knew that something had to change, he just didn't know how.
On the outside life seemed to go pretty well for Youngkyun during his first year of high school. His grades were great as usual and even though he only had one person to call his real friend, he was happy about his situation. The development of the internet resulted in him meeting other dancers though his old academy, most of them from the bigger cities. They all shared the same passion for dance which excited Youngkyun more than anything else. He knew that his family had big hopes for him and expected him to get into medical school as soon as he left high school. But was this what Youngkyun really wanted? It was almost as it was expected for him, a good student, to want to become a doctor or a lawyer. But what about his passions? What about his own dreams?
He also knew that it wasn't fully accepted by the people around him for a teenage boy to attend dance classes. Awful slurs would be thrown at the few guys in his school who attended any sort of creative activity. So, he kept it to himself, or rather to the people that he knew wouldn't attack him for it; the dancers from Seoul. They had been talking for a few months now and most of them had told Youngkyun to leave his crappy city and audition with them to get into a company. That could mean the start of their journey to become well-known dancers. But Youngkyun wasn't too much of a spontaneous guy, and leaving his city alone at the age of 14 seemed insane.
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You know how people say that a bad thing usually doesn't happen by itself and that it's most likely followed by more misery. Well, Youngkyun would become a first-hand experiencer of this.
He was officially done with his first year of high school. No more exams or homework for almost three months. The first morning of the summer holiday bloomed and he decided to ask Jungwoo if he wanted to go into town with him. There wasn't too much two 15-year olds could do there, but at least it was an environment change from the clammy lecture halls they had spent their last weeks in.
Youngkyun quickly sent a text to Jungwoo as he went into the kitchen to get breakfast. The two of them hadn't been able to talk to each other for about a week as they almost drowned in exams. Jungwoo had also seemed more stressed than ever, not even recognising Youngkyun the few times he had managed to shout hi to the other across the hallway. He ate a good meal, had a shower and got dressed before he remembered to check for any replies, but there was nothing. "Weird," Youngkyun thought, as Jungwoo spent most of his awake time glued to either his phone or tv.
After what seemed like hours he heard a ding from his phone and happily jumped over to it to check the reply. His eyes skimmed through the lines and he could physically feel his heart sinking down his stomach.
Jungwoo (11:23)
It's better to get straight to the point than to create misunderstandings.
I'm tired of you being sad all of the time. It brings me down all the time and worrying about you every minute of my day drains my energy down to the bottom. Until you've sorted things out, I don't want anything to do with you. This is for your own good. You can't just go around being sad all the time. I'm sorry for the harsh truth.
Youngkyun's knees wobbled and he fell down to the floor, phone falling out of his hand. Jungwoo, one of the few, if not the only person he had trusted. He had told him so many things, thinking that they would be safe in the other male's possession.
It made no sense. Jungwoo had been the one telling Youngkyun to come to him if he ever needed to talk about something. He was the one he had spent all of his time with, getting to know him and talking about their hobbies. He had trusted Jungwoo. What a fool he had been for doing so.
He felt the cold feeling of tears against his cheeks. Usually he would be able to keep his emotions within himself, but his glass of emotions was now pouring over the rim. He couldn't keep it all in anymore. Something was wrong with him, there had always been something wrong with him. How would anyone ever be able to love a ruined individual like Kim Youngkyun?
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Youngkyun spent the next few days inside of his room, not doing anything special. He didn't feel like doing anything anymore. Nothing had any purpose. It was not until his parents had enough and almost threw him out of the house to go to the library that he breathed fresh air again. The library was one of his favourite places to be, silent and filled with knowledge. But Youngkyun would never reach the library, because the person that he had called his best friends for the past ten months and a group of guys he despised stood in his way.
And this lead to the situation where a beaten up Youngkyun tried to get all of his belongings home without ruining them more than the bullies had already done. He had just taken the hits like nothing, not even trying to put up a fight. It was like his spirit was gone, his spirit to defend himself.
He opened the front door as he tried to remove the last marks from his encounter as he saw his parents sitting by the dining table, both with very serious facial expressions.
"Youngkyun, please sit down here," his mother said and made a gesture towards the wooden chair facing the adults.
He quietly sat down and looked into his parents' eyes, trying to figure out what was going on. His dad coughed and opened his mouth.
"Me and your mother have decided to get a divorce. We feel like it's the best thing for the entire family at this moment. We all need to live in a calm environment, which is something we're not in currently."
If Youngkyun had thought that his glass of emotions was filled to the brim after that text from Jungwoo, this was nothing compared to it. He stood up and screamed, tears streaming down his face. He thought he must have blacked out for a while, because the next thing he remembers is him being on the train alone with only a bag filled with his most important possessions. He's fully awakened by the voice announcing the next stop.
"Ladies and gentlemen, next stop is Sould station, which is also the last station on our route. We hope you've enjoyed travelling with us and a wish you all a great day."
He had run away from home, 15-year-old Youngkyun had packed his bag, emptied all of his money and gone to Seoul. He couldn't remember what had lead him to this specific situation. Hadn't his parents tried to stop him? Had they just watched him leave without trying to make him change his mind?
The young boy stepped down onto the platform and looked around. He was actually in Seoul, miles away from home and anyone he knew. Wow, he really hadn't thought this through. That was when an idea hit him. It was a bit insane, but it was the only thing he could do at the moment. His hands were shaking as he quickly dialled a number that he had used only once or twice before during the past years. Someone he hadn't seen in a long time answered the phone with a surprised voice.
"Youngbin," Youngkyun almost whispered as a reply, his voice sounding smaller than ever before.
"You don't happen to still own that extra bed in your apartment?"