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Lyle Lupin is an important man. He works at a big firm with a mundane name. He did law at university, met Hope Howell at Cardiff university and tried his best to lead a normal life. He votes in every election. He pays his taxes and is extremely respectable. He earned enough that Hope could work as a teacher part-time and volunteer at a local charity shop. Yes, he did everything right. He gave his family a home and provided food. Lyle takes his family on holiday twice a year. In fact, their vacations are like clockwork- in January it is skiing on the Swiss border, though never actually in Switzerland. Hope likes Italy, Remus prefers France. In August it is three weeks in the Scilly isles.
Their neighbours talk about them as a nice loving family. Sadly, Hope is a rather vague person, and doesn't ever try to actually parent her only child. Lyle is little better. He gets up at six, comes home at eleven, usually smelling of scotch, and goes out on the weekends. As Remus grows up, he develops a theory that his father is having an affair. He was always a good judge of character. It goes on like this until Hope becomes pregnant. When the pregnancy fails to come to fruition, Lyle does the right thing, possibly by fluke. He strokes his wife’s fair hair as she fragments. He whispers softly in her ear that it will all be all right.
But he has never known how affection works. After that brief display, he goes to the pub and drowns his sorrows. Then he gets over it and he carries on. He doesn't miss any work. Why would he? He wasn't the one who miscarried. He does not understand her sorrow: after all, they have another child. It does not matter to him that Desdemona, or Mona for short, will never wear the dresses he bought, or that she will never stand beside her mother and make a Black Forest Gateau.
But it matters to Hope.
Remus is a bright child. He gets into a fancy school, named Hogwarts Academy of excellence. He is quiet, with a renowned collection of dreadful jumpers. He becomes firm friends with Lily Evans on his first day. He shanks a cricket ball into her face. It is quite impossible not to become friends with a person after that. She is the first person he comes out to. He also falls in with Peter Pettigrew, James Potter and Sirius Black. Lily spends seven years telling him he has crap friends. He only ever chuckles and responds, gently, “and how is Severus?”
The way Remus comes out to Lily is awkward and grating. Sitting in French class, with five minutes to go, he switches off. Half his stuff is packed away and he is thinking of the pasty he will eat at lunch. It was a good lesson this week, focusing on describing people. One quarter of Remus’ blood cells are French and so he has a good grasp on the language.
But when Madame Dodin asks, in her lilting accent, “describe your ideal partner Remus,” he is not expecting it.
Automatically, without thinking, he responds, “Il a les cheveux noirs et me fait rire. Il aime la même musique que je fais.”
“No, no Remus. Very close, good pronunciation. But next time remember to swap the Elle and Il. You got the pronoun wrong.” Madame Dodin says, as the bell rings. “ Class dismissed. Oh and Remus- an A for you today.” The last said with an imperious wave and an exotic smile. Remus is convinced his teacher used to be a dancer. His smile lasts until Lily pushes him into an alcove. French is on the top floor of the oldest building on campus. It's the nicest. It’s now lunchtime so the corridor is soon empty.
“How long have you loved Sirus?” Lily asks.
Remus splutters and tries to deny it. “Lily no-look, it's not- I mean sure he's attractive but not- just well I, you know you and I we could- oh fuck all. Fuck off. I'm not. I don't go that way, it's disgusting.”
“Mmhmm.” She casts a doubtful eye over him, appraising him.
“I'm straight. Just because I messed up a bloody French word. God get a life Lils.”
She looks a tad hurt but he ignores her and marches off, looking forward to his pasty.
He goes and sits down at Gryffindor's table. His school is fancy enough to have houses. Thankfully, Lily is in Ravenclaw. Remus is busy making love to his delicious pasty when he feels an arm loosely wrap round shoulders.
Sirius, on his right, leans in and says “Evans is giving you a funny look. You'll make Prongsy jealous.”
Remus texts Lily two words. “Plz stop.”
Sirius, reading the text, gives him a confused look, to which he replies only: “You shouldn't have skipped French class my friend.”
Lily is of course correct. When is she not? He falls in love with Sirius when he is 14 and spends the next four years staring at him. He never tells Sirius off for stroking his hair, or flirting with him. He doesn’t even tell Padfoot off when he drunkenly licks his neck. He can’t do it. And yet…if there was one person who can actually reign Sirius in, it isn’t Walburga, who bruises him, or even James, who knows him best of all. A single word from Remus is enough. But Moony never uses this power.
James eventually gets Lily’s number and that’s when everything begins to change. Like a cigarette that you protect from the wind, Prongs protects the growing bud of their relationship. Not long after that it is time to think about what lies after high school.
Remus has always been a bit of a follower, so when James and Sirius get into Oxford, using a mix of connections, intelligence and charm, he follows. He is easily clever enough. He chooses English literature. All his friends immediately dub him a wanker. Sirius barely shags any girls at all, to the astonishment of his mates.
When Remus is 17 he realizes fags, booze and the occasional pill helped him with the Sirius problem. Anything to numb the pain, even the occasional cut.
Never mind that he can't bear the thought of girls, or their wet, oddly flat genitalia. Never mind that he masturbates while thinking about Sirius twice a day and that every touch makes his insides shiver and quake. And never mind that seeing Sirius topless makes him queasy. Because he is sure he can beat it.
Coming out of English lit with Frank Longbottom, or Alice’s Frank as he was known to his friends, one afternoon in October, the weather unseasonably warm, he began craving that little pill. That relief. He wanted to get away from Sirius. Padfoot had been unusually touchy-feely lately. It was causing Remus’ concentration problems. He looked at Frank and said, carefully, “Frank...you know this town pretty well by now don't you?”
“Sure. Are you lost? What do you need?”
“Well I wouldn't mind a little stress reliever. Nothing major...just mother's little helper you know.”
“Well Mick, you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you might just get what you need.”
Remus smiled. In a house devoid of emotion, rock music had been his saviour. He had listened to the Stones and their ilk for hours. Delighted to hear Frank's understanding of his reference, Remus almost missed Frank writing down a number -07893712033- and a name -Dr. Fletcher- on a piece of paper and slipping it into his pocket.
The next week Remus goes to a bar and asks if he can play some music there. He is good enough to play at the Bullingdon, the Bookbinders and the Cellar amongst other venues. He sits with his guitar and makes a mess of the classics. His voice is what Sirius calls 'Dylanesque'. It's rough and beautiful but oh so soulful. And Remus is never sure if Sirius is complimenting him when he compares him to Bob Dylan.
This supplements the £400 quid a month he gets from his parents. One night at the Grove Village Hall, booked in for an event, he gets smashed on the cheap white piss they hand out. He finishes with a raucous rendition of REM's Man on the Moon. Somehow it goes down a treat. Later one of the local lads, there as a waiter, fills his glass for the eighth time. Well he thinks it is the eighth. It could be double or triple that. Remus feels a warm hand on his thigh, an accidental caress. He looks up at him. He looks good if a little stocky. The almost blonde hair, combined with a cheeky grin is enough. It's so much more alluring than a pair of boobs bursting out of a too-small top. Remus would never admit this out loud but he is beginning to realize he’ll never crave what ‘normal’ boys do.
Jack leads him in the back and teaches him things he knows Oxford would never. He shows Remus how a kiss can be filthy, slutty and beautiful all at once. He shows him how best to nibble at another man's neck. And when he sticks two fingers into him and crooks them just so he sees comets, he sees planets and he sees fucking Daleks. Forget seeing stars, he sees whole fucking cosmos. He comes, without any decorum, panting and grunting. He's sweaty and tired. He feels done in. Jack holds him gently and Remus lets him, lets Jack hold onto him. Jack drives Remus back into Oxford and writes his number on the back of his hand.
“If that Sirius bloke ever kisses you, let me know yeah.”
“Wh-” Jack interrupts, “And next time you shag a bloke don't say someone elses name. You're lucky you're cute and it was your first”
“How did you-”
Jack cuts in again, with a smile, saying “Nobody that tight could be anything but a virgin.”
In the coming days he texts Jack whenever he needs someone. James has his own commitments like training with the rugby lot. Sirius does god knows what. But when they all hang out, and of course they had to all live together in the same college, it still feels right. Yes Remus still feels lonely, still feels neglected. And sometimes he needs to talk to someone about his Sirius problem. Jack is understanding and listens attentively. He gets it.
But as the term goes on, Remus money goes a little less far, his grades fluctuate and the drug use goes up. Dr. Fletcher is a moniker for his dealer. He thinks of himself as too white to have a dealer of any kind except perhaps at a card table. But when the good doctor suggest trying heroin he baulks.
“Look my dude you know you can just smoke it to see. Here try a small joint, with some mixed in. Free of charge my man, free of charge.”
It's like Pot on a good day but he can see clearly. He is immediately chilled out. He begins to do it occasionally, injecting every now and then.
In December they go out on their usual clubbing night- Wednesday. And it is a special night because Remus is going out with them and because it is the last of their club nights this term. That is not a common occurrence. They end up in Atik like always. It is never good, always abysmal. Remus has had two spliffs, and enough bottles of beer to form a sizeable pyramid before he even got to the pre-club pub. At the pub he had a number of cheap lagers.
He is sure the night will end in him collapsing in a small lake of sick. However, he is feeling the music, he is feeling the four tequila shots he has let Sirius coerce him into having. And suddenly Black is there. His Padfoot is there. He can smell the expensive French cologne, can feel Sirius’ perfect arms. He pulls him closer and dances at him. He shows off everything. Remus has said no to club nights for so long. But if he had known Sirius would be so flirty he might have joined them more often.
He isn't sure whose tongue goes in whose mouth first, only that suddenly he and Sirius are a spectacle. It's fucking messy and they're blatantly wasted. “So fucking gone.” James mutters to his mate Kingsley ‘Royal’ Shacklebolt. “About time though” Royal says. James only laughs and goes off in search of more tequila. He's been expecting this for three years, two months and six days. Ever since he saw Sirius sketch Remus for the first time. If Remus had ever bothered to look through the sketch book he would have been able to save a lot of time and pain.
Remus is achingly hard and is trying to thrust up against his Padfoot. It's pornographic and perfect, until Lucius Malfoy, a snobby fourth year who knows all the worst people in all the best places, calls them disgusting sodomites. It's so fucking stereotypical Oxford. When James throws the first punch a drunken brawl ensues. It culminates with a lifetime ban from the club for all involved. The next morning Remus remembers very little. But after four cups of coffee, a cigarette and some bacon he is feeling restored. He goes to both his lectures and comes back to lie down in his room.
Padfoot and Prongs always chill out in his room because he isn’t messy or lacking in basic personal hygiene knowledge. Sirius tries to relax into Remus but he isn't having it and begins evasive manoeuvres. Trying desperately to ignore Sirius' hurt look, which always reminds Remus of a kicked puppy, he engages James instead.
“Hows Lily? Is she really still talking to you?”
“Yes! We’re going into London during the Christmas hols to go shopping with her. Our first real date. This time my Lilyflower will be mine”
The other two exchange a look which deserves and gets the response “oh do fuck off you pair of fairies” from James. It’s just like old times, how it used to be. It is easy. Remus loves the time he gets to spend with James and Sirius. They spend all afternoon laughing, smoking and gossiping. It’s a little island of perfection, in a sea of despond. Moony wishes it could always be like this.
When Prongs heads off to see his team for a tactics meeting, Sirius and Remus have a talk. Well Sirius tries.
“So how long have you err known...that..?”
“What? What are you talking about”
“Well last night mate you snogged me.”
“No you snogged me, I was just so drunk and…well it was nice but I can't lose you as a friend. I'm straight and our friendship is too...it's just- it's one of my bloody cornerstones you know. I never had a family and-”
“Don't try and fucking play the family card with me. You don't have a fucking clue what bad is. Have you tried talking to Regulus lately? What do you think of his fucking padded walls? Good feng shui?”
It's getting out of hand. And Remus is annoyed because Sirius is too clever, and too good a debater. The way he slipped in that mark about Reggie, now unable to hold a basic conversation, really puts Remus’ life in perspective. Some part of Remus wants this. But he hates the idea of being gay. So he does what he has to.
“I'm not a limp-wristed faggot just because I kissed you once and my rooms neater than yours and-and I organize my sock draw. I’m not like you- I don’t- I’m not-. I’m normal OK? Fuck off. Just leave me alone.”
Sirius just looks at him and says, in a dangerous sort of tone, “Well I'll be waiting. You're worth the wait. But if you take too long you'll regret it.”
He turns to leave.
It's too much for Remus. He knows how hurt Sirius will be and it makes him feel rotten to say those things to the man he loves. He goes to his desk and scarfs a couple of pills. He washes them down with cheap gin, and throws himself on the bed.
But Sirius hadn't left yet. He just stands there, in shock. Moony feels a comforting weight lie down behind him and pull the covers up. He leans into it, his body betraying him.
“I'll always be here. I get it Remus. I get it.” Sirius breathes into his ear. "It's not- it's not easy. Just ask Reggie."
Remus doesn’t really understand this last remark but he suspects James would understand.
At Christmas he makes sure to take a whole bottle of pills with him. The only warmth in the house is the roaring fire. His mother drifts vaguely around the house, like a ghost. He wonders, occasionally, why his father hasn’t had her checked out. She sometimes calls him Mona. He begins to hate the house which feels empty, hollow. His mother never did throw out any of Mona’s old clothes or repainted the pink room. Instead she locked it and inside it she placed the baby toys, the rocking horse, the mobile and her grief.
In January Jack visits his digs. Halfway through a very dull film, with a set of stars they'd vaguely heard of, Jack's fingers find Remus' thigh. When Sirius walks in unannounced he looks vaguely surprised to find his Moony with another man. But surprise turns rapidly to confusion and then hurt before settling on anger.
“Sirius-fuck- uh it's not- I'm not. Jack's just a friend you know-”
“So this is Sirius. Well he's gorgeous. No wonder you're obsessed” Jack chimes in and it's possibly the least helpful thing anyone has ever said in the history of anything. His hands are still stroking Remus up and down.
Sirius shucks off his tee. He takes off his socks. The rest of his clothes follow. Next Padfoot goes over to the bed and cups his hands around Remus' face. He forcefully licks into Remus' mouth.
Moony finds he is now hard enough to break ice. A tongue licks along his neck, another is in his mouth. This- this isn't right. “Nnnh guys no-no this isn't. It's wrong-”
When a wet finger begins to circle his arse he stops complaining. Instead he tries to push backwards, onto that finger, to get more. When he feels Padfoot's cock nudge his lips he accepts that he's about to have a threesome.
It is a new experience, sleeping between two people. It’s warm, comforting. He likes it. He knows he shouldn’t, but he does. Remus doesn’t know how to process this. Having a threesome with a girl and a guy would be a big enough problem. But two blokes? He’d been in the middle too. In Remus’ head this makes him even more gay, if that were possible. He doesn’t know how to deal with it. Doesn’t know how to face up to that particular issue.
He expects to be alone once he gets back. But he is sorely disappointed. Sirius and Jack are both waiting. He can smell cigarettes. He can’t run now. So he hits down heavily on the bed.
“Still not gay?” Sirius asks, with a shit-eating grin.
“I can see why you talk about him all the time Rem” Jack says, looking at Sirius as if he were made out of chocolate.
“Look, guys,” Remus begins but he is cut off by Sirius saying, loudly, “Enough of this bs Moony.”
"I told Sirius you have a drug problem. I told him you've been after him for years. He knew. This whole time he knew. I just want you to be happy. I know you’re pissed...but I'll still always be here for you." Jack kisses him softly on the lips, a brief touch, and he walks out of the room.
"Moony why can't we try it, we could be brilliant"
"No Sirius. I don't want to be this way, I don't want to be this way, it's not right. I can't."
"You can trust me. You can rely on me. I want to help you with your problems, with whatever you need."
"I'm not a fucking druggie. I'm not fucking helpless. I just don't want to date and I don't want you to have to be encumbered with me. I'm a burden." And he walks out. He grabs his keys and he goes. Because he knows Sirius will never leave his room unless physically removed.
In the next semester he collapses. He falls off the rails completely. It passes by in a whirl of coursework, pills and gin. He still plays music and loves it. He avoids James and Sirius. He doesn't need their negativity in his life. He doesn't go to their rooms, he doesn't even greet them in the hallways. He knows they don't recognise the person he has become but, somehow, he doesn't seem to care.
In March Sirius comes into his room, and tries to knock some sense into him. He tries to shake Remus but when Remus punches him in the face he backs away. No physical action, let alone any words, will fix Remus. He spends the summer away in the clouds, totally high. His weight drops. His skin goes pale. He begins to look gaunt. His passing grades are enough to make his absent parents leave him alone. Some weeks he is away from home three nights on the bounce. He doesn't miss the control he used to have over his life.
******************* ******************* *******************
In his comedown moments and when he is free of the drugs he thinks he may have made a mistake. But every time he starts to think too hard he reaches for the magic medicine. It does not stop him being miserable. Still he occasionally wishes Sirius was here to hold his hand.
If he makes it to lunchtime sober he considers this a victory.
It is October and Remus is playing in a bar. He knows in his more lucid moments Sirius was probably right. His parents bought him a small flat in Oxford. With nobody to watch out for him he is free to pursue all his worst cravings. Maybe fate, maybe fluke, are the reason that James and Sirius are in the audience. Sirius looks shocked to see how far his Moony has fallen, looks like he is the lady of Shalott looking upon that broken mirror.
And then something miraculous happens. During the set, Remus' brain breaks through the haze. All the wires connect. He realized he has fucked everything up. He also knows this is his last chance. He has a handful more songs to play and he knows he must make them count.
First he goes with Bob Dylan's If Not For You, a slow rendition.
If not for you winter would have no spring
This set is for Sirius. He has had enough. Enough of the fighting, the arguing and, fuck it all, he desperately misses his beautiful Padfoot.
He moves into the Rolling Stones Wild Horses next.
Then Remus launches into Sullivan Street. He puts everything he has into it.
You're nearly crawling on your knees
It's almost everything I need
I'm down on my knees
His eyes never leave Sirius'. Padfoot's eyes are burning, they're ablaze. He's trying to tell him everything he's been too scared, too afraid to. He realizes he's getting an encore. That never happens. He has always been just good enough to avoid the boos and nothing more. He has been happy with that.
He and Sirius are still connected as he plays the opening chords to help. He sings a big soulful version of it.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please, please help me?
Padfoot's eyes never leave his, even as Remus begins to cry.
As the set finishes Sirius turns to James a question in his eyes.
"Padfoot. You love each other. I've known for years. Go fix our Moony."
Sirius goes backstage and finds Remus. He holds him as he sobs. And then they're kissing.
"Pads...you know when you played with lego as a kid...you had to break things to put them together. Well fuck me. Break me. Take me apart and then fix me.”
Sirius does. He thinks Remus wants him to be careful, gentle. No. He wants him to be rough. He begs him to go harder.
Afterwards Sirius takes him home and they lie together on Moony's bed.
"No more drugs. I'm deleting that dealer's number. And if you need help you fucking call me."
"Sirius. I love you. I'll do anything...whatever it takes."
"Yeah I know you do. Who could resist me?"
"Fuck off." Remus says with a smile.
"Remus...I love you too..."
Sirius moves in. And he cleans the place. He puts up bright wallpaper, attempts to cook. He throws away all the pills. He slowly takes Remus off the hard liquor. It is no easy task. Sometimes Moony rings him from a party or while he's revising, telling him how much he craves the pills. Sometimes Sirius has to tell Remus to show him his wrists. James helps too. He makes sure Remus is happy, gives him attention and makes him laugh. He is always round, sometimes dragging Lily over from Imperial in London.
It does not get easier immediately. Remus still gets the sweats sometimes. Sometimes he shakes so hard that he can only lie down all day. And still he uses, still he drinks. One evening Sirius walks in on him cutting. Remus is obviously drunk. Sirius grabs his wrists.
“Why Remus?”
“I just need the release. Just let me-”
“No. You can’t. Don’t slip now. You’ve been doing so well.” Sirius looks at him, holds his hands and pauses.
“I know you haven’t slept. I know you’re struggling.”
Remus twists away. And he leaves. He doesn’t fight anymore. He doesn’t snap back at Sirius or try to resist him. He always chooses flight over fight.
Sirius sighs. He calls James. James drives over and together they track Moony down. Sirius decides to play his ace in the hole.
“Let’s go to London, take him to Lily,” Sirius says to James.
James agrees, nodding an affirmative.
But Remus is not so convinced. He knows he can reason with Sirius and he can fool James sometimes. Or he thinks he does. He knows they let him get away with more than they should. Lily is a different kettle of fish.
“OK, Ok. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. Look guys you’ve got stuff to do,” he says.
But Sirius is having none of it. “Don’t worry. We aren’t staying. Just you. Lily hasn’t seen you in ages. I think you two will have so much to discuss. “ He and James laugh as they watch Remus squirm.
They pull in at a service station near High Wycombe. Lily gets out of her car and gives James a peck on the cheek, hugs Sirius and then opens the passenger door. She takes Remus’ hand and turns back for a second, long enough to give an encouraging smile to her boys.
Over the next three days she makes Remus five different salads, gives him too much water and takes him to her yoga group. Strangely it helps. He even sleeps a bit. And when she goes to her classes she makes sure one of her friends is around to keep him company.
Remus stays at James over Christmas. And his mother is so kind that Moony is quite taken aback, and doesn’t understand what she is doing when she brings him coffee in bed. They discuss the great English authors and she says that it’s marvellous her son has such clever friends.
One evening Euphemia says “I always wanted to help you when you came round here with James and Sirius. I found it appalling the way both yours and Sirius’ parents were so neglectful towards their offspring. I...I should have stepped in but I didn’t. I am so sorry. I wish I had acted.” Remus hears the apology and doesn't know what to say.
So he takes her hand and says “It’s alright. I’ll be OK.”
And he knows he has said the right thing.
At the Potters he and Sirius can act like a real couple. He feels like he can be himself here. He can kiss Sirius whenever he likes and does. He can cuddle with him whenever he likes and does.
When they get back to Oxford, Sirius sits him down on the couch and takes his hand.
“I know you’re getting better. But there’s one more thing I want you to do with me, one more thing you need to see. We all have our demons.”
“I’ll do whatever you need me to Pads.” Remus plays with his boyfriend’s fingers and smiles lazily.
They leave Oxford at 10 on a chilly February morning. They get a train to London, go on the tube from Marylebone to Charing Cross. London fascinates Remus, he so rarely goes there. But it also makes him nervous. He grips tightly onto Sirius throughout the tube ride. Eventually they end up in Tunbridge Wells. From there a bus takes them deep into the Sussex countryside.
The bus drops them off on a nondescript country road. Soon they come to an obscenely large manor house. The sign simply says, in an elegant flowery script, ‘Heathfield.’ Remus looks at Sirius, a question in his eyes.
But Sirius shakes his head. And leads them down the driveway and up to the reception.
“Hello Mrs Weasely. I would like to see Reggie please.”
Remus can tell he must do this often, or often enough to be recognized by the receptionist.
Molly the name tag says. Remus realizes suddenly who Reggie must be.
When you talk to Sirius Black there is one cardinal rule. Do not talk about his family. Do not mention them. Do not ask about them. And especially do not ask about his brother. Only James can do that. Even Remus would not dare.
They find the youngest member of the Black family in the hedge maze. There are bandages around his wrists and he looks very thin, but you can tell he and Sirius are related. The hair, cheekbones and manner are the giveaway. But where Sirius has confidence, a bright smile and is bold, his brother seems tired and listless.
“Reggie! How are you?”
“Oh Sirius. You’re here. You don’t have to visit you know.”
“Yes I do. Of course I do. Because you have to meet someone. This- this is my boyfriend Remus Lupin.”
Regulus Black stands and looks Remus up and down. Then he looks at Sirius and says, rather deliberately, “I approve.”
Sirius smiles then, one of the big ones, that makes Remus’ heart flutter. “Thanks Reg. I hear you’re getting better.”
“Yes...but Sirius I don’t want to leave. I...I’m not ready yet...n-n-not just yet.”
Padfoot moves instinctively to steady his brother with a gentle hand to the shoulder.
They spend the afternoon together until visiting hours are over. Remus sees how hard Sirius finds it. At times Reggie is fine but at others...at one point in the conversation he turns to his brother and says, in a whisper, “I keep thinking I see them. Can they get in Siri?”
Sirius always knows how to calm him down.
Molly waves at them as they walk back to the bus. Remus gets the sense that Sirius talks to her a lot.
On the train Sirius explains about his traditional family. They disowned him at 15, when he told them he might be bisexual. The pressure they heaped on Regulus as a consequence has left Sirius feeling guilty. Had he been a better first son Reggie might be alright. Remus guesses that he is the only person allowed to refer to Regulus by that moniker. All the balls and fancy events Walburga and Orion made their spare attend wore him down. He had to be perfect the whole time, nothing was ever good enough.
He became bulimic, he began to cut and was always close to tears. He was desperately lonely and was never allowed to become acquaintances with those deemed to be ‘unworthy’.
Worst of all was that one of their butlers, Mr. Kreacher, became obsessed with Regulus.
Sirius recounts all this with a bitter look on his face. Remus is silent through, but keeps his eyes trained on Sirius’. He doesn’t interrupt until Sirius pauses and says, in a miserable tone,
“I shouldn’t have run away. I shouldn’t have-”
“Fuck off.” Remus cuts in. “Your parents didn’t stop their child from being molested in their own house. It’s not your fault.”
Despite the fact the train is half-full he grabs his boyfriend's hand and holds it, stroking his palm. He understands now that everyone has their demons.
Sirius continued in the same empty, bitter tone, “One day Regulus tried to hang himself. He was always a traditionalist. Our parents made him undergo therapy but never fucking bothered to get to know him. To them he was just an asset, like our house in the Dordogne. When he tried a second time Walburga shipped him off to a private institution. He’s paid up for life. He’ll stay there now. His life’s gone down the drain. They tell their friends he’s at an exclusive boarding school. They never talk about me. The faggot and the loon. Reggie and I make quite the pair. “
He looks up at Remus, their hands still together. “I can’t lose you to the drugs Moony. I love three people in my life. And two of them are broken. Please. I know how hard it is.”
Remus looks at him. “I think at last we understand one another, Frodo Baggins.” He knows, like he did with Mrs Potter, that this is the right thing to say.
After that it gets easier. It doesn't matter what Remus needs or when. Sirius finds a way to get to him. Padfoot has rescued him from benders and gone to him at all hours of the night. He is always there for his Moony. Remus slowly stops using. But he knows he can always ring his white knight.
One night in August, eight weeks since he last took anything, Remus asks Sirius why he has always forgiven him, why he has stuck around. Sirius pauses, gulps the last of his beer, and looks at him with a funny smile.
"Well it's the friends you can call up at 4am that really matter. And to me just being the one you needed, the one that mattered, was enough. “
Remus laughs and realizes that he is happy. He snuggles into Sirius and gently falls asleep, tucked in between Sirius and the couch.