Chapter Text
When he thought about it, Gavin really should have seen it ending this way. He knew what he was getting himself into and he still dove in head first like a goddamned idiot. Michael was already with her when it started; just a little bit on the side when they were drunk, or horny or alone together, but it soon got out of hand and was becoming an all too regular thing.
He still didn't even know if Lindsay ever found out, two years later. He assumes so, after how it ended, but maybe not. She was a very smart girl but he was a very charismatic charming liar. Michael could make you forget all his thoughts with a whisper and a smile thrown casually your way. A manipulator.
At first, it was like all new relationships, exciting, thrilling and a rush, but since this was their dirty little secret it had that extra little something. The fact that they were two seemingly straight males only added to that. It was all secret smiles, whispers and fleeting touches, practiced to be casual. Kisses hidden from view and meaningless promises breathed from panting mouths. Gavin often joked about it on camera, but he actually was trying his best to make him choose him, love him, marry him, but it was a waste of breath and a useless pipe dream that only caused him more heartache.
In the lead up to their wedding they met even more, a silent "fuck you" to their future together, in his opinion. An attempt to show him what he would be missing because although clearly his moral compass was skewed, Gavin wouldn't fool around with someone who was married. He wouldn't cross that line. He already hated himself for what they did to her but it was much too late to cry over that now. Most of the time they were even more hurried, a quick fuck to get it out of their system so he could crawl back to her in their lovely home together and Gavin would leave his lover to return to his home, alone, and steeped in regret. Every time was the last time to him but he just couldn't resist. He always knew how to get Gavin back, hook, line and sinker. A manipulator.
The last time they fucked was the night before the wedding. One last hurrah before they broke it off for good, but something shifted. Something was different. It wasn't the rough, hard fucking they'd been doing since the beginning, it was gentle, caressing and passionate. Like they loved each other. It made it so much harder to let him go. Gavin clung to him for dear life and somehow talked him into spending the night, his last night, in his bed. Clearly, he was a masochist, as having to watch his lover leave him for the last time to go marry someone else was one of the hardest things he ever had to do. He begged and pleaded for Michael to call it off, but he wouldn't cry. He was too proud for that, even still. But he never relented, and with one last lingering kiss, Michael, his lover, walked out of Gavin's life, and he had to pretend as though they had never been closer than best friends.
Everything was harder after that. It was impossible to be fine in Let's Plays when every time he glanced at Michael he could see that black wedding band mocking him. Or having to watch Lindsay get to fawn all over her husband or to hear them talk about their domestic life made him go crazy with jealousy and hatred. But he learned how to deal with his anger and to overcome it, for the sake of his own health.
Then he met Meg and for the first time he saw the light at the end of the tunnel. He saw a future with this woman that came in, fought for his attention and just enveloped him. She was everything he needed but never thought to look for and he was finally happy for the first time in months. They became the picture of domesticity too, with their beautiful house with its white picket fence, and their cat and their dog. He was at peace, in a healthy, stable and loving relationship. So obviously that's when it all went to shit.
That's how he ended up here. The day before the Jones' one year anniversary, he received a voicemail from Michael. He sounded drunk. In fact, he seemed to be at that level of drunk where Michael gets honest, and that honesty normally leads to a fight or a breakdown. He didn't want to hear either. The logical part of his brain told him to just hang up the phone, delete the message and pretend like nothing had happened. God knows he's good at pretending. But again, he's a masochist, so he listened.
"Hey, boi. It's me. I'm at our bar, just having a drink. Or well, a few drinks. I was gonna ask you to join me at work, but you're probably busy with ... Whatever."
Over the line, he heard Michael scoff, and it aggravated Gavin. How dare he act like some jealous boyfriend now. A year down the line. How dare he be angry at Gavin for trying to move on and find his own happiness.
"I miss you boi. We used to be so inseparable, and now I don't see you outside work. We should go for bevs! Or swimmies! I could wear those tiny little trunks you used to love to see me in..." Michael's voice trailed off, quiet and sad, and he could hear brief hiccups over the phone. "It's our anniversary, you know. Tonight." And at first, Gavin was confused, because it's not their anniversary til tomorrow, but then, the penny dropped. He means their last night together. Gavin's breath hitched and he still stands, frozen in place, fingers clutching the phone to his ear.
"Not that most people probably wouldn't call their breakup an anniversary date. Then again, we weren't most people. What we had was special, right Gavin? You felt it too, didn't you? You were always so much smarter than me, you should have known better than to let someone like me ruin you. You were too beautiful and too pure for someone like me to touch. And that's why I couldn't leave her for you. Deep down I knew you deserved better. And now you've got it. And I am so happy for you boi. I am. But I can't help but think what would have happened if I had just called it quits with Lindsay like you asked me to. She probably would have been happier, she knows I am not the man she fell in love with anymore. I can feel her pulling away and I don't even care. I don't care about anything without you anymore."
Gavin didn't know whether to feel sad or relieved when the line went dead, but he didn't have too much time to fixate on it as another voicemail message came through. With shaking fingers he dialed the number again and tried to mentally prepare himself for what he would have to listen to.
"I felt like such a piece of shit after we got married. And not even because of what I was doing to her, but because of what I did to you. I could see how much you were hurting, and I asked Geoff to keep an eye on you. You were broken, depressed and looked to be seconds away from dying at any given moment. But look at you now, Gavvers. You're tippy toppers! You've got Meg fucking Turney to cuddle up to at night. But you know what, Gavvy? I bet she doesn't make you as hot under the collar as I did. I bet one look and a whisper couldn't get you hard in seconds, like with me. I bet you haven't come as hard as that in months. I know because I haven't since then either. It's just not the same, is it. They always said it would be better, having sex with the person you loved and they were right, weren't they boi? You can deny it now if you want but I know we were in love. Even before it got complicated and seedy, I think we were always in love." He could hear Michael order another 3 or 4 shots of something before taking one after the other, before returning to the phone.
"I dialed your number every night since the night I got married. Every single goddamn fucking night, and every night I was too much of a pathetic chicken shit asshole to call you. But clearly you've moved on, and I respect that. I hope you’re happy, because you deserve it, Gav. You deserve the whole world and I just fucked up my chance to give it to you. But I can say it now, not that it makes up for anything. I loved you, Gavin.
I still love you now. I'm sorry I couldn't say it when you needed it most but that's just me all over... I think I'm gonna get divorced you know. I just ruin everything I touch so it's probably good you don't let me touch you at all anymore. No hugs, or pats on the back or nothing. It hurt, at first, seeing you flinch away from me, but now I understand. I broke you, hurt you so much and you didn't deserve it. But only now I realize how much I hurt me too. I'm gonna tell Lindsay about us too. It's time to fess up, boi. She deserves to know the truth and I'll ask her to be conscientious of you and your feelings, and she probably will, cuz she is an angel. But she got to me too late, my heart was already taken by this goofy Brit who made up words. God Gavin, I am so sorry things got so fucked up. I'll probably regret these in the morning but right now it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted and I’m sorry I've just been talking about myself but you know me. Maybe we could meet up sometime, for old times sake?"
He had heard more than enough. How did Michael have that way of making everything seem like it had just happened, as though it hadn't been a long year. So much had been said he was finding it difficult to find one thing to focus on. Michael loved him. Michael was in love with him and talking about leaving his wife. Gavin had to see him.
He had his coat on and was calling a cab to take them to their favourite bar. It was far enough away from Michael's apartment and work that they never really ran the risk of being caught, and Gavin had a 30 minute car ride to overthink everything that was about to happen. What was his endgame here? Leaving Meg to be with Michael? Would they be out in the open or still, hiding their relationship in the shadows from their friends and colleagues. What would happen to Meg and Lindsay?
Suddenly the cab pulled up at his destination, and Gavin just about managed to pay the driver with sweaty shaking hands. He had half a mind to ask the cab to take him back home, but he resolved himself to see Michael, so he got out, took a deep breath and entered the bar. Fortunately for him it wasn't crowded that night and he spotted Michael almost immediately, and he didn't look great. He was half lying over the table he was sat at, hands curled around his drink, his face contorted into the most miserable look he'd seen on the man.
Gavin ordered himself a beer and a water for Michael before sitting down opposite Michael. He pushed the water towards him before Michael could even react to his presence in his drunk state.
"Gavvy! You're here. Why are you here? How did you know I was here?" He asked, confusion flitting over his features. So he didn't remember calling him then. Great.
"You left me some messages Michael, remember? You said we shout meet up, so I came. We need to talk but you're clearly not in the right state of mind for that right now. Drink your water and we can go back to my house, I doubt Lindsay would want to see you like this."
Michael scoffed and rolled his eyes, dramatically, probably due to how drunk he was. "What about Turney? I don't think she would want you bringing me home in the middle of the night, might give off the wrong impression? Or maybe the right impression, I don't know."
"Meg, is in LA with Ashley right now, remember? She's not home. Drink your damn water and let's go." Guilt wracked Gavin's mind. He was going behind his girlfriend’s back with his ex, and what made it even worse was that she didn't even know about Michael, so she wouldn't even suspect a thing. This would just look as innocent as two friends meeting up for a drink and being too drunk to go home separately. He was a terrible person and he repeated in his head that nothing was going to happen, he would take Michael and put him in a spare bedroom to sleep off the ridiculous amount of alcohol in his system.
He watched as Michael sank the pint of water in one huge gulp before he seemed to regret it, recoiling back in fear and slapping both hands over his mouth. 'Great. Just bloody perfect. Well, maybe if he bokes now he'll sober up a bit.' thought Gavin, hoping and praying that he was right.
Suddenly Michael jumped up and bolted towards the bathrooms, and Gavin rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone to keep him busy in the meantime. About fifteen minutes later Michael emerged, red faced and on shaking legs, looking thoroughly worse for wear. He watched as Gavin got up and put an arm around his shoulders, ushering him out of the bar and called for an uber.
Michael was swaying against Gavin and going in and out of sleep, even while standing, so it only felt like a few minutes before he was being belted into a car. He let his eyes slip shut and enjoyed the small nap he got during their journey to Gavin's house.
Gavin had calmed down somewhat since Michael hadn't mentioned any of the things he'd said on the voicemail. He didn't want to have a huge argument, or think about their past together. It had taken him so long to get over Michael the first time around, he wasn't so sure he could do it again. He was in a good place with Meg. He couldn't risk ruining that to be Michael's bit on the side.
The car journey was filled with a tense, awkward introspective silence that was rare from the two men. The silence continued from when they made it to Gavin's house until they were in the kitchen and clutching two coffees. Michael had sobered up somewhat, due to the vomiting, nap and possibly the small sips of coffee he'd had, and he was beginning to look embarrassed.
"Look, Gavin. I'm sorry okay. I know I shouldn't have called. Its not fair to you, or Meg, or Lindsay even. I don't know why I let this get so fucked up. I just miss you so much. Even just as a best friend. We were so close and then I let it all get out of control. And Lindsay is going to leave me. I can tell. She's pulling away from me bit by bit and I don't blame her, and I can't bring myself to fight for her because I know it was my fault to begin with." Michael was starting to fight off tears, rubbing his palms into his eyes roughly, and coughing to cover up his erratic breathing.
"Michael..." Gavin started, reaching a hand out to him to settle his friend down.
"No. Gavin. Don't. Don't touch me okay! I ruin everything I fucking touch. I should never have gotten with Lindsay. I always knew that something wasn't right, something was missing. You always had my heart, and she just couldn't get it no matter how hard she tried. It wasn't hers to keep. And I don't think we'll get back together when we break up Gavin. I know you've got it all and more with Meg. And what's more is she knows how lucky she is to have you, doesn't taken it for granted, like I did."
Enough was enough for Gavin. He couldn't take any more of Michael's apologizing or his manipulating words, poisoning Gavin's mind. Not again. He dumped the remainder of his coffee down the sink and threw his mug down violently.
"Shut up Michael. Just shut up okay? You don't get to come in here one year later and say the things I begged you to tell me. I don't care if you always loved me. I don't care because I don't love you anymore. You broke my heart and got to walk away and play happy families while I tried to pick myself up and get over the fact I had to watch the love of my life marry someone else. So don't come now with your perfect words. I don't want to hear them now. It's too late." He curled his arms around himself as a defense mechanism and waited for the fallout from his outburst.
"Yeah, you're clearly broken." Michael sneered, sarcasm dripping off every word. "Look around you Gavin, you've got the house and the perfect gorgeous model girlfriend. It doesn't look like you broke your heart for too long. You got over me damn quick. Always the victim. Fuck you Gavin." He banged his fist against the counter he was sat at, furious at how Gavin spoke to him. "Do you really think I don't know it's too little too late? Come on Gav. I didn't expect anything from you tonight. I didn't even expect to hear from you. I thought you would just ignore me like usual. I just had to get those thoughts off my chest before they smothered me. I'm done talking about this now. I'm gonna go to bed. I'll leave first thing tomorrow." He kept his head bent low to avoid Gavin's gaze as he stumbled from the kitchen to the guest bedroom furthest away from Gavin's master. They would both benefit from the privacy that night.
After he heard Michael's door shut Gavin finally let out the breath he'd been holding. How did they become these fucked up people? They loved each other once, as best friends, as colleagues, as lovers. Now they could barely stand to look at each other, without dragging back up the sad bitter memories of their awful breakup. Maybe it was because it didn't end suddenly, so they had no closure? But Gavin doubted that, greatly. They both let what they wanted slip through their fingers and now they were paying the price. It was much too late for tears.
Gavin eventually trudged his way to bed himself, and as he curled up alone he found himself wishing he still lived with Geoff and Griffon. He always felt safe, protected and loved at their house, and they always knew what to say to cheer him up or steer him in the right direction. They were the only people to know about him and Michael and although they made it clear they didn't approve, they always had his back and helped him pick up the thousands of pieces he'd been broken into. He wanted them to coddle him and tell him everything would be okay, because if they said it it had to be true. He also wished Meg was here, curled up into him for warmth in their bed. He always felt reassured when she was with him, she loved so openly and freely that you couldn't help but return it. She wore her heart on her sleeve and it was just a breath of fresh air for Gavin.
But although Gavin would never admit it, Michael was right. They just didn't have the same sexual chemistry and Michael and Gavin did. It was nice, but it lacked that something extra. It was just nice. Gavin had been spoiled with mind blowing, world changing, passionate sex and he did miss it. In fact, he craved it. But he would get over it. He wouldn't let himself be able to be hurt again.